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Dating with anxiety - Day 1

I started writing this piece in my journal when I realized that there might be other people who relate to this and so I thought I would share a tiny piece of it.

“ (…) Looking back I didn’t{t want anyone to see my weakness: My mom didn’t{t have time for me, She was focused on her goals, being a single mom with a junkie ex husband must have been hard on her.

She had something to prove to herself and to everyone else in my family, and prove them she did.

Her concept of ´being there for me ´ was for school functions, public appearances, so that ´I wouldn’t feel left out;´ she ´sacrificied´ herself for me, putting me through school and providing for the both us, while paying for a brand new house and a brand new car every single day of my childhood, she gave me everything that money could buy and more, (poor little rich girl, that´s what yoúre all thinking huh?).

I never complained, and trust me, I am not complaining now.

Now I am a hyper independent woman, who’s does not need anyone to validate her worth, I do not trust anyone to the work better than I can, so I take crazy amounts of responsibility and give it all to myself; I sacrifice my feelings and happiness so that you can feel comfortable around me and I do not bring the mood down at a party; I am a team player and go the extra mile without anyone asking me to.

I am reliable, you can always count on me to help you do your job better, while getting overlooked for a promotion or even my own job performance is at stake.

I understand if you leave me on read, I am cool with you ignoring me, that´s fine, you are probably too busy to read a text and take 1 minute to reply.

I understand if you were to ghost me, because it is likely to be my fault we could not keep a conversation going, I was probably being too basic or boring for your taste and I respect that. You were also just trying to be polite and did not want to hurt my feelings, which is why the easies way to let me down easy was ghosting me. TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND!

But, YAY!!!! You are back now, so now what I will do in order to not be intense when replying to your text messages is that I will wait the appropriate time, since replying back immediately or within a couple minutes does not seem to be your style, I will send a good morning text, without any hope of getting a reply, that way I can really focus on my work and i will not be staring at my phone the whole time, Also that way way you will not think I am too intense by showing interest in keeping the conversation going.

This is what I think it´s considered appropriate texting editing, now that you have ghosted me before:

- You will send a “Good morning” text, I will reply with “good morning! How was your sleep?.

- Then I will pretend to be busy all day long while ignoring everyone else who is online, just so that you can really feel I was busy and do not think I was ignoring you this whole time, I will reply with “Sorry, busy day, my job is insane today! *mind blown emoji”

- You will reply, “I understand my job is driving me crazy too, then you will ask if had a lunch, to which I will not reply, because i think me eating food is really not that interesting, and you do not wanna hear about how it was awful because of my last call, and because my job does overwhelm me, i tend to eat in silence, while watching a Netflix show.

- At night, right after bedtime, around midnight ish or so, I will reply with: “Sorry! Felt asleep as soon as I got off from work, I hope you have had a great day and if not, get some sleep tomorrow will be better! *wink kiss emoji”

You will still reply on time for me to react but my iPhone is already on sleep mode and it will take me at least 30 minutes for my sleeping medication to kick in, so i will not see the message until the next day in the morning, right before my shift starts.

This is dating with anxiety, I hope some people out there can relate and if you can not relate that´s fine… I will not sweat it.

But this is me, this is my life, I guess in a way I am hoping to feel less lonely by having other people and total a transfer on the internet laughing at myself because why wouldn’t you?

#om! shall we date #anxeity #real talk #reality #the real deal #comedy #tragic #lol #viralpost #viral