@asundered / nick.
Wives say this to their husbands.
Realistically, I know that this line is not the beginning of the horror movie reveal sequence that it feels like it is, but there's something about the way that Amy sits there so primly and properly on the edge of the bed with her hands folded and looks up at me with her hair still pulled tight in that immaculate ponytail that really makes me feel like my stomach is going to drop out of my asshole.
( Maybe it has nothing to do with the way that she is sitting, or the way that she is looking. Maybe it has something to do with the way I've only just stepped out of the shower after washing the Andie off my body. The way I came home and slunk up the staircase and like a coward avoided the kiss Amy tried to give me with one of those unbearably awkward side - hug - head - kiss movements because I knew, I feared, that she would somehow still taste Andie's cunt on my tongue, even though I'd haphazardly scrubbed my teeth with her own toothbrush before I'd left. Maybe it has something to do with that. )
I stand there for a moment in the doorway of the bathroom, barefoot and buck ass naked because I didn't bring in a change of clothes in my haste. Because I thought she'd have put herself to bed the way she sometimes does, quiet and oppressive and malicious in the meekness of the action, like she's daring me to ask What's Wrong? As if I would.
Like I said. Coward.
"You're not tired?"
Rest assured, readers. I am not the doting, blind, useless bitch wife that my dear, sweet, salt-of-the-earth husband thinks I am. I am the fucking lion he doesnāt want to face. I am the thorns on the inside of his wedding ring. See, Nick spends all his time working. Oh, my darling husband... he works so hard just to keep us afloat, in that big office, with his big projects so delicately placed under his thumb. (Iāve wondered for a while now, if projects under his thumbĀ translates to three fingers and the deep red fuck me nowĀ lipstick I found on his shirt collar.)
I can smell hot cunt on him. Oh, how horrible. How terrible. My husband! I am forlorn! Spare the shit, Nick. We both know where you spend your evenings ā tucked between a twenty year oldās thighs like the useless fucking coward that we both know you are. I wonder how youāll react to this ā do you want to have sex?Ā when you stink so boldly of cheap perfume and another womanās cunt. But youāre just about as stupid as the miserable bitch you think I am. And all I have to say is how fucking dareĀ he.
āNo, I ā missed you.ā I wantĀ him to hurt. I wantĀ him to stare at the ground and want it to swallow him fucking whole, because thatās what he likes, right? Deep-throated, nose-to-navel, ball-slapping swallowing. She doesnāt have a gag reflex, because that was trained out of her at the fresh, young age of eighteen, and she swallows every pathetic load he gives her like a good fucking girl. Cry me a fucking river, Nick.
āI feel like Iāve barely seen you recently.ā Iāll play along. Iāll playĀ the dumb bitch wife, as long as it cuts him each and every fucking time he looks my way. Boo fucking hoo. You play, you lose. You donāt play, your world comes crashing down anyway. I fucking win.
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Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks 1964-1980
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lucifer sentence starters
ā³ episode 1 ā 3
i like to punish people too.
are you trying to bribe me?
itās only money
.you break the law sometimes, donāt you?
it feels good to get away with something, doesnāt it?
go on, take it. buy yourself something pretty.
you little devil.
shouldnāt you be spending your valuable time doing something more significant?
donāt know. donāt care. not my problem.
he will not be merciful for much longer.
youāre famous, arenāt you?
did i sell my soul to the devil?
with all the good came a hell of a lot of bad.
so the devil made you do it, did he?
i suggested you work with him, not sleep with him.
oh god, iām a mess.
what happens now ā thatās up to you.
what did you do?!
why did you end her life?!
thereās gonna be a lot of attention on this one.
do you know the shooter?
like to play cop, do you?
i just like to play in general.
now, donāt you think thatās interesting?
immortality. of course. you spell that with one or two Mās? i always forget.
what will your corrupt little organisation do about this?
will you find the person responsible? will they be punished?
youāve got some balls on you, pal.
i could swear iāve seen you naked. have we had sex?
someone out there needs to be punished!
what is this, a wedding or a kidnapping?
itās hard to be rejected, isnāt it?
iād kill someone if they denied me. not that thatās possible.
did you want her dead?
i am not playing that mind game with you.
i really donāt want to have sex with him tonight.
i have narcotics for him.
can someone please turn down this god-awful music!
without the blues, thereād be no devilās music whatsoever.
youāre being clear alright. if youāre looking to get yourself killed.
i didnāt kill her!
people sometimes kill people with whom theyāre in love. the heartās mysterious.
girl made me crazy!
welcome to the party!
i have far too many bullets in this thing for you to still be talking.
what do you desire more than anything else in this life?
youāre not like ā a jedi or something, are you?
i know something you donāt know.
well, theyāre threatened. youāre clearly smart and have notable instincts.
i donāt think youāre allowed to smoke in here.
thatās a hookerās name.
i donāt know whether to laugh or to shoot you.
are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?
i wouldnāt recommend it. iām like walking heroin.
i tend to appeal to the dark, mischievous hearts in all of you.
you seem oddly immune to my charms.
truth be told, i find you repulsive.
did you roofie her?
my word is my bond.
whatās your deepest, darkest desire?
you wouldnāt want any nasty secrets screwing that up for you though, would you?
god, you are a terrible liar.
despite your proclaimed revulsion, you canāt deny that thereās a connection between us.
i made her, and she ruined me.
iām gonna punish you.
back off, you freak!
he needs to pay! he needs to suffer! he needs to feel the pain, not escape it!
i donāt want to die.
why arenāt you more dead?
youāre having a very hard time with the immortal thing, arenāt you?
iām pretty sure iād be dead if you hadnāt helped me, so thank you.
you know, youāre far too interesting to let die.
i think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
iād stay for the family reunion, but itās giving me terrible IBS.
you scared iām turning my back on the dark side?
you wouldnāt want to start a war.
i look forward to eating your heart one day.
have you seen the face of the devil?
iām willing to work within your metaphor.
iād kick a puppy if one waltzed by. iām joking. puppies donāt waltz.
iām gonna figure out your secret.
i guess we both have our mysteries.
iāll show you mine if you show me yours.
if i donāt affect you, iām curious as to what does.
if you desire something, just take it.
youāre not gonna get away with this. iām gonna make sure of it.
what are you hiding?
are you really gonna try and prove his innocence?
sorry, do you want a hit?
itās āpuff, puff, passā, not 'puff, puff, stomp angrily.ā
you brought pot to a crime scene?
iām sure thereās some stragglers we could get into trouble with, huh?
itās called a devilās threesome for a reason.
if youāve come to lecture me, can you just save it for later? iām annoyingly sober right now.
you must have done something salacious in your youth.
iām not gonna tell you anything.
i donāt want to know about the case, so you can keep your dirty little secrets.
iāve seen the hatred in her eyes when she looks at you.
i just did everything i could to keep others from making the same mistakes i did.
who are you protecting?
i was hoping for sexy, salacious details, and i instead i got taken on a trip down depression lane.
donāt you dare disrespect me.
you will not speak to me this way!
am i interrupting some creepy foreplay you two have?
we all know what the road to hell is paved with, donāt we?
they donāt give out pulitzers for nip-slips.
if itās any consolation, you look really good in it.
you donāt decide who gets punished and how.
letās go deliver some punishment.
youāre a necessary evil.
iāll kill you, you crazy bitch!
you both get a gun. letās see who shoots first.
whatās to stop us from shooting you?
youāre interrupting my punishment.
youāre lucky i figured out your insane, ironic punishment before anyone got killed.
you tried to do some good. to help someone. donāt throw it all away.
i thought iād use you to remedy a situation that iāve mishandled and annoy you in the process.
you know exactly what iām asking you.
didnāt mean to hurt you.
i hope the guy who hurt you got in lots of trouble.
iām so very used to being in control of everything.
i doubt heāll be able to string two words together right now, much less have a conversation.
what happened to you?
i canāt get away from him!
whatās the worst that can happen?
you could learn a thing or two from this guy.
you are in desperate need of my help.
i mean ā you are like a four-leaf clover and a unicorn made a baby.
iāve met your type before. so desperate to control their lives that they forget to enjoy it.
this is the fantasy life of a postmenopausal housewife.
i want to get laid so damn bad.
i very much beg your pardon?
iām freaking out, okay?
i need that favour.
thanks for being super-cryptic in a really unhelpful way.
weāve got a murder on our hands.
you forget that my expertise is finding the right people to punish.
so thereās a bona fide killer on the loose that needs to be punished.
havenāt i proven myself extremely useful at detectiving?
i donāt want to be stuck out here with these miscreants.
you call watching porn on your phone useful?
i wish iād never met you.
the person responsible is still out there.
i just want to make sure that youāre punishing the right person.
this place is built on lies where nothing is authentic or genuine.
iām gonna tear him limb from limb.
your anger toward this minor inconvenience feels a little disproportionate.
we need to ask you a few questions.
i donāt think the plan was to kill you.
i think they wanted to scare you.
youāre like two pathetic peas in a pod.
someone mustāve hired her for this.
if your problemās that stick up your ass, iām afraid thereās no one strong enough to pull that out.
am i up for encouraging someone to commit a nefarious act? put me in, coach.
your professional reputation has taken a bit of a dive. as has your sexual one, iām afraid.
just sit tight and weāll all get what we want.
you know who youāre messing with?
youāve certainly been a busy bee, havenāt you?
it seems youāre a bit of a two-pump chump.
please donāt hurt me ā please.
iām not gonna hurt you. iām going to destroy you.
see, thatās why i donāt lie. itās so hard to keep track of who knows what.
i still donāt understand.
if he left me, i would be ruined.
she didnāt want to go through with it.
iām finally focusing my anger where it belongs.
but you know what? you, uh ā you stayed good to your word.
you are crazy. but youāre my crazy, you hear me?
are you too egotistical to acknowledge my help?
i think thatās why youāre here. to reinvent yourself.
i told you, iām good at punishing people ā nay, iām the best at punishing people.
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fakedsciencesā.
āIāve heard that once or twice.ā
Kieran hears a lot of compliments. He does not have a journal or diary or blog in which to keep them all straight. And then there is the matter of his own inner dialogue, his own self-directed affirmations that are so grandiose as to only be half true. Itās scary, that he actually believes the things that come out of his mouth.Ā
Brave, though ā Kieran wonders if he is brave. Many would consider him a coward. He hides behind his land and his girls and other peopleās money. He creates his own social structure to avoid one he finds distasteful (ā but didnāt he choose this, America? I digress.)
But Kieran does feel brave. He knows he is certainly not meek; therefore, he must be the opposite, right? He thinks about Cain back in the apartment, waiting to press play on their Tarantino-or-something-adjacent, boysā night flick. He isnāt sure why heās thinking about that right now. He should probably stop. There is a beautiful woman right here, and maybe she will wait for him, too.Ā
āKieran. Kieran Glass.ā He likes being called an artist. He feels like one, sometimes ā like he is the architect and mastermind behind some great, fictitious world youād only see in maps and books.Ā
She asked for my name. She wants me. I hate to be reductive, but deep down, this is what it all comes down to. This is how he thinks. This is what he knows.Ā
āLook, I hate to look like some kind of creep coming up to you because youāre by yourself. But the nose thing was really compelling. Also, itās not every day you see a beautiful woman drinking rosĆ© at ā well, this is practically a dive bar. Part of me, a masochistic part of me, wanted to see just how far out of my league you really are.āĀ
Youāre probably thinking that this is... beneath me. In that patronising little oh, Amy...Ā way when you thinkĀ you know whatās going on, but really, it falls outside the remit of what we talk about when I write to you. I implore you, dear reader. Donāt turn on me too. See, the world boils down to two things: those who fit, and those who donāt. Those who squeeze themselves into Macyās tracksuits and tuck their lopping bellies in under the grateful stretch of velour fabric, and those who watch them. I donāt fit here. And no, Iām not comparing myself to the Cheeto-fingered, sleep-apnoeaād, beer-drinking slobs that mill about town because theyāve got nothing better to do than wank into an empty sock and collect every last cent that the government strings them up with. Thatās Carthage. My bones donāt fit.
Iāve never been a dive-bar gal. Nick used to bring me to them ā way back when I was still playing his perfect woman. I was game. I drank beer from the bottle and ordered jalapeƱo poppers and ate them with my fingers like the perfect date would. I watched the fucking football games, all three dreary hours of sweaty meat slabs running up and down a field. But I neverĀ fit. Redneck country, as much as my dear husband hates me calling it, is about as lawless as it was three hundred years ago.
You can tell a lot about a man by the way they ask for your name. Or, in this case, donāt. I know you clocked that too.Ā
Hey, arenāt you Amazing Amy?Ā Thatās the usual response: my parentsā vapid childrenās books that taught their sweet cherubs how to brush their teeth and strive for greatness.
āI think the word youāre looking for is... incredibly.ā Iām teasing! Iām flirting ā god forbid! Someone call the police ā someone call my husband!Ā I am That Woman, and I have nothing more to say about it. I think the worst thing about Nick is that heās driven me from one side of the country to the other with little more than a can of beans and some motel mints to stave off the total fucking boredomĀ heās left me with. My life is inconsequential at this point. My life is in the leftover trashcan in the corner of our apartment.
āMaybe I just appreciate a sticky bar and someone elseās lipstick on my glass.ā
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@batfall: you really donāt like him.
My face is a wax mould. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can picture it ā someone going in, latex gloves and resin, and smushing it into a pulp and starting again. Rubber hands push three fingers up and make my left eyelid too droopy, and pull one smile too crooked. I can see my lips being prised from my teeth and finely, and formidably, being pulled over the base of my chin. Sometimes, I think Iām a wick away from a melting candle.
Imagery aside, my face is mouldable. It lights up. It giggles. It frowns. It cries. But you stare at it for too long, and all thatās underneath is a puddle of liquid wax. Dear Diary, I can be anyone I decide to be. Anyone I needĀ to be ā thatās the real skill here, not the hmming and ohming of pathetic fawning giddy girls that stalwartly place themselves at the bottom of the food chain. No way, baby. Iām what eats the fucking lion.
You see a handsome man from across the room, but when he thinks no-oneās looking, he attempts to grab a tight fistful of the waitressās ass ā misses, thanks to the whiskey ā and slips his number on a monogrammed business card into her breast pocket. Do you A) approach with caution ā predators in the wild and all that, B) tell someone! Donāt let women suffer in silence! C) Watch. Plan. Men like that walk blindly, happily, following the promise of blowjobs and perky tits, into the sharpened maw of the beast.
Of course you watch. The wax slips. Before you know it, the rouge gloss of your lipstick curls up with your grimacing mouth, and your eyes roll.Ā
āWas I being obvious?ā From across the room, picking at the peeling sticker from the base of the wine glass? Shoddy work, really. I pride myself on being better. So I straighten my back, mould my cheeks, and tug each corner up with my rubber mitts into a sorry fucking smile.
āIām just watching ā some people really canāt handle their drink.ā
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@battlehoodā / nathaniel:Ā you mind if we look around?Ā
By all means, look. Dig, and dig. Truffle pig to truffle pig.
I donāt care what they find, because thereās nothing toĀ be found ā Carthage is a ghosttown. A real Midwest character that coaxes out the tumbleweeds and the clink of spurs on each boot from the very cowboys that say they donāt rule this neighbourhood.
Let me explain. I insisted that we didnāt buy. I donāt want anything tethering me to the Huck Finn slapstick hillbilly asshole-of-America that is North Carthage. The only rentals are puckered amongst the run-down estate of foreclosures and boarded up windows that is our neighbourhood. Our. I say it like itās just a totally blasĆ© way of meaning mine. But Nickās dragged me here, kicking, screaming, humming and... well. Iād like to say I didnāt kick up a fuss. Nickās mom had cancer. Sheās gone now, and he seems to have dug his heels deeper and deeper into the woodloused, rotting foundations of the McMansion weād found ourselves in.
Itās been two years. I miss the city. I miss New York, with its New York traits and its New York lights. I miss the rats that scuttle along the subway, and the piss that streams itself up the side of each wall under the cityscape. Thatās how much I hate it here. Iād rather be pissed on by the homeless drunk that camps out outside each bodega and his clinking bucket of change.
āBy all means.ā Look around. See what you find. Because Iām telling you, one New Yorker to... whatever the fuck breed that finds himself at my door, you wonāt find anything. This house is empty of Amy. Itās all Nick. Here, Iām nothing but the wisp on the wind. Here, Iām The Dunnes. Iām an empty bottle of perfume and two quarts of half-and-half away from being a total fucking stranger to this place. Nick has The Bar. I have Bleecker and a total, irrefutable claim to something better. I donāt want this life. God, will someone just fucking pull me from its grasp before I start saying shit like yāall, and darling.
I open the door ā it doesnāt take much convincing. Figure out what it is you want and go on your merry way. Nick thinks Iām making too big a deal of this. I have my journals ā what I squirrel away in light of a better day, and a carton of New York memories that look as obsolete as I feel here.
āAnything youāre looking for in particular?ā I donāt mention the garage. Or Goās woodshed. That stays between friends, remember? Donāt fuck this up for me.
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@asundered: do you want to play a game?
Itās like summer camp all over again. We were never the Christian Crusader types ā Rand and Marybeth made it compellingly clear that our extracurriculars would enforce the secular teachings of the Amazing Amy series without too much of a blip. Tennis camp, mostly. We were real country club magnates.
Did you expect anything less? I play tennis, she beats her coach with three games to one. I pass grade three cello and give it up because the strings keep sticking to my fingers and the practice in cold, empty halls was beginning to get on my nerves, and Amazing Amy first-chairs a fucking orchestra.
āThat depends.āĀ
I know her like I know the back of my hands. Every freckle, every crease, every scar through the knuckle that every boyfriend has ever asked about ā that oneās from being pushed down the stairs by a best friend and that oneās from catching her palm on the hob (catching, like it isnāt a calculated nod to getting exactly what she wants. I know the games ā I play them too. Sweet, but stupid.)
āWhat do I win?ā Because, reader, if youāve been keeping up, youāll know one thing. I donāt lose. Iām not that type of woman. Itās like some ridiculous playback of Annie Get Your Gun. Anything you can do, I can do better. So we play. And we play. And we play. Itās a tussle for control, revenge for the hair-pulling and shin-kicking, and when allās said and done, it keeps us sane. Cute, right? Itās the kind of sisterly relationship Rand and Marybeth always purported ā one day, we wonāt be here, and youāll only have each other. One day, youāll be best friends. One day, youāll lean on one another.
Iād rather fucking die than lean.
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GONE GIRL RP PROMPT.
from the film.
when i think of my wife, i always think of her head.
the primal questions of a marriage: what are you thinking? how are you feeling?
what have we done to each other?
pour me a bourbon, would you?
whatās up, jitters?
itās a bad day.
iām so crazy, stupid happy!
whose beer am i drinking?
whatās your type?
iĀ prefer men who are funny, not āfunnyā.
thatās code for āi hate strong womenā.
what type are you?
so tell me. who are you?
you know i have to kiss you now.
i would be a fool to let you walk through a sugar storm unkissed.
go home, fuck her brains out, then smack her with your penis: some wood for you, bitch!
you are way too into that cat.
we understand there are concerns about your wife/husband/partner?
iām not someone who hits the panic button but ā itās weird, right?
you mind if we look around?
itās our anniversary.
i remember these books.
now you can say you came. and in 10 minutes, weāll leave.
perfect. time for a quick tour of all my failings.
i love your parents, but they can be assholes.
people want to hear from you.
i thought thatād be embarrassing.
i love having strangers pick at my scabs.
i am here in a strictly journalistic capacity.
you challenge me.
and ā fun fact for our readers ā you have a world class vagina.
my colleagues inform me that as yet, you are not married. isnāt it time we fixed that?
heās just playing with his phone. playing, likeā¦ tetris.
if this girl doesnāt show upā¦ this could get out of hand.
letās stay on our toes.
given the scene in the house and given our spike in violent crime of late, weāre going to take this very, very seriously.
sorry. i felt like i was in a law and order episode for a second. bum-BUM.
is she kindaā¦ standoffish?ā¦ ivy league?
i have zero reception.
sir, donāt take that tone with me.
stupid, dumb bitch.
heās always been a misogynist asshole.
everyone told us ā and told us, and told us ā marriage is hard work.
abandon all hope, ye who enter.
technically, weāre supposed to fuck at the next stop.
weāve never fucked in a bookstore.
i dragged you into the ladiesā room on our second date.
books, sex, bourbon. life is good.
sometimes i want to punch us in the face, weāre so cute.
i donāt need a lawyer.
everyone knows ācomplicatedā is code for bitch.
just because i donāt love her, doesnāt mean i donāt care about her. iām really scared.
you want to look like youāve been up all night.
thatās a weird thing to say.
when youāre upset, you bottle it up. you can seemā¦ angryā¦ like ā
great. iāll try to balance on the exact edge of your emotional razor.
i knew you shouldnāt have moved back here.
we care about her. we love her, and we want her back.
we filed a restraining order.
itāll help us track her movements before she disappeared - where she went, who she mightāve seenā¦
maybe iāll teach you a thing or two.
i think iāve done a pretty good job.
letās swear we will never be like them.
we have each other ā everything else is background noise.
this is where you say 'everything else is background noiseā.
i come by once a week, make sure the place hasnāt burnt down.
picture me: iām a girl who is very bad. i need to be punished, and by punished, i mean had.
open the door, and look alive.
want to test your marriage for weak spots? add one recession. subtract two jobs.
i felt like i needed to shoot something.
right, i forgot. you can give your parents $879,000 without asking me, but god forbid i buy legend of zelda without your permission.
thatās the basic tenet of a prenup, right?
why are you throwing that in my face again?
i donāt know how to not have a job.
now, iām beholden to you.
suddenly, i knew everything was about to get worse.
oh look, heās being a good guy so we can all see him be a good guy.
you really donāt like him.
you have to keep up your strength.
iām asking you nicely - please delete that photo.
you canāt share that with anyone.
it looked like you were having fun.
this place literally smells like faeces.
iām going to go benadryl myself to sleep.
i feel like i could disappear.
iāve been so worried about you.
you gotta pick up when i call you ā where the hell have you been?!
can you at least say you love me?
i love you. but, sweetheart, we have to be real careful right now.
you told me i needed to have my own life.
iĀ need you. now. touch me.
did you leave a pair of red panties in my office? lacy?
iāll have to check my red-panty inventory.
you told me you were going to get a divorce.
never say that out loud again.
i donāt want to fight. i just want to be with you.
he uses me for sex when he wants. otherwise, i donāt exist.
last night, i went from desperate to pathetic.
do our code: no bullshit.
a child is not a hobby.
we could have had this fight four hours ago.
youāre really going to walk out now?! youāre such a coward!
someone should burn this place.
you fucking asshole. you liar. you fucking lied to my fucking face.
youāve been lying to me for over a year.
god, itās so fucking small. youāre a liar and a cheat.
i thought writers hated cliches.
wah, boohoo, i got laid off. guess iāll fuck a 20-year-old.
i canāt figure out what the fuck they mean.
are they supertwatās?
weāre dealing with a 20-year-old who isnāt sure where she leaves her undies.
free spirit is code for stupid.
just because the guy isnāt weeping, doesnāt mean heās not hurting.
the hallmark of a sociopath is lack of empathy.
are you trying to tell me that this photo is remotely in the realm of acceptable behaviour?
a picture is worth a thousand words. ever heard that phrase?
iām so sick of being picked apart by women.
for valentineās day, i thought iād buy a gun.
iām being paranoid. crazy. iād just sleep better with a gun.
if someone were staging a crime scene, why mop up blood?
a pool of blood and no body suggests homicide.
why have you kept this stuff? itās like a little box of hate.
you know how hard it is to make a murder case without a body? itās incredibly difficult. so i want one last thingā¦ i want a body.
sometimes, the way he looks at me? this man of mine may kill me.
iām so much happier now that iām dead.
he took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money.
he took and took from me until i no longer existed. thatās murder. let the punishment fit the crime.
to fake a convincing murder, you have to have discipline.
america loves pregnant women. as if itās so hard to spread your legs.
you know what is hard? faking a pregnancy.
you need to bleed. you need to clean.
men always use 'cool girlā as the defining compliment, donāt they?
go ahead! cum on me! i donāt mind, iām cool girl.
i waited years for the pendulum to swing the other way ā for men to read jane austen and make out while we leer.
i will admit: for someone who likes to win, itās tempting to be the girl every guy wants.
for him, i was willing to try.
i wax-stripped my pussy raw and blew him regularly.
i forged the man of my dreams.
he actually expected me to love him unconditionally.
he doesnāt get to fucking win.
grown-ups work for things. grown-ups pay. grown-ups suffer consequences.
fucking crazy bitch.
sheās framing me for her murder.
you are married to a psychopath.
your problem is just beginning.
does missouri have the death penalty?
as long as you donāt own a python and blast death metal at 4am, weāre gonna be best friends.
thatās the most disgusting thing iāve ever heard.
are you laughing me out of your building?
this is why i have a $100,000 retainer ā because i win unwinnable cases.
so far, this is a he-said-she-said.
i havenāt had a date in almost a decade because if a girl googles me? bye-bye.
if i could make up a girl, this would be the fucking girl.s
he framed you with the ties you wouldnāt wear.
can you imagine being almost 30 years old and never having had anything go wrong for you?
iām serious. i will not say a word against that girl.
i canāt imagine what sheās got in store for you.
thatās life, baby.
the whole thing just feelsā¦ easy. like finding an envelope marked CLUE.
ever heard that phrase - the simplest answer is often correct?
whatever the hell they found, we have to assume itās very bad.
heās nice because he wants to fuck you.
iām not sad. iām angry.
iĀ was going to kill myself. can you believe that?
why should i die? iām not the asshole.
itās a ticking time bomb. you gotta throw yourself on it.
a guy admitting heās a giant asshole? people love that stuff.
looks like youāve done a good job.
whereās the money, sweetheart?
youāve hiding. i donāt know why, and i donāt care.
i donāt think youāve ever really been hit.
next place, be more careful, okay? lot of people out there worse than us.
every time you look smug or annoyed or tense, iām going to hit you with a jellybean.
why are you so good to me?
why is it that when i need someone to save me, i always think of you?
oh my god. you little slut.
sheās the girl with the giant cum-on-me tits.
come. youāre staring at ghosts.
seriously, i canāt believe how fucking good you were.
you are so good to me. and i am so exhausted.
youāll be very safe. i wonāt let you get away again.
you scared me. donāt do that. i need to feel safe.
you were never under my thumb.
you are the best person i have ever known.
they disliked me, they liked me, they hated me, and now they love me.
whenever you said something stupid, i thought 'maybe heās just stupidā. i was wrong.
none of this is mine - none of this was put here by me.
i need some time to think.
thatās the last thing you need.
iām not going to force myself on you.
i just want you to be you again.
my defence is the truth.
want to play a little true or false?
you thought quinoa was a fish?
you fucking bitch.
itās an insane story.
donāt blame yourself.
you mustāve bled quite a bit there.
howād she get the box cutter if she was always tied up?
stop pretending.
i just said what you wanted to hear.
thatās how well you know me! you know me in your marrow.
take off your clothes.
youāre a murderer.
iām a fighter. i fought my way back to you.
you begged for me to save your life. and i obliged.
the media will destroy you.
give it the night. sleep on it.
was there ever a baby?
if two people love each other and canāt make it work, thatās the real tragedy.
kiss my cheek. now.
you canāt live in the same house as that spider.
mess with it, theyāll come looking for blood.
we had the national spotlight on us, and we stained the rug.
i swear to god, you two are the most fucked-up people iāve ever known. and i specialise in fucked up.
iām the definition of 'at riskā.
remember: donāt turn your back.
iād never hurt you. i do need you to participate though. thatās fair, right?
tell the truth and shame the devil.
fuck it. let everyone take sides.
i love tests.
we are toxic. we complete each other in the sickest possible way.
you think you could ever be with a nice, normal woman?
i complete you. iām the only one who can.
stay with me and i will make you happy. you know i can. iāve killed for you.
youāre breaking my heart.
what have we done to each other? what will we do?
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fakedsciencesā.
Kieran usually likes them young.Ā
He likes when they still care what their parents think ā or, better yet, when their parents are gone or dead. He likes when they talk about what they learned in undergrad and how their friends make them feel. He doesnāt like divorcees, and marriage usually requires a certain age, a certain something. Leaving it ā a certain something else. But he doesnāt mind when theyāre already taken. He doesnāt mind that at all.
But he also likes them pathetic, desperate, forlorn. He likes Amyās lipstick, likes how itās smudged a little bit over the actual edge of her lips. He likes the soft look in her eye (heās yet to see it occasionally sharpen). He likes when their goals arenāt attainable or when theyāve already been slighted, just a little, by life. Optimism and naivety arenāt bad, but itās easier when somethingās already been a little broken in by someone else.Ā
Kieran doesnāt really think like this so explicitly. God, he doesnāt fancy himself a fucking monster. He is just a nice man from Ireland, with a nice Irish accent, who likes a nice drink at a half-decent bar. He likes making friends and surrounding himself with likeminded people (who will fuck him whenever the mood strikes).Ā
āWhat gives? Has something got to give, now?ā His accent works with women no matter their age. He plays it up on first meetings, likes when people ask him questions about where heās from. He is good at playing vague and creating a reality you want to know more about, want to be apart of.
āI just thought Iād like to talk to you a bit. And I was deeply, deeply concerned that no one had ever complimented you before on your nose. Which is adorable, and perfect, and cute, as I have said already. If I could paint your picture, I would have asked already. So, there.ā
At risk of this sounding like just another journal entry in just another womanās pathetic, dry-hump life, dear diary. Today I got hit on by a nice man in a shitty bar. Okay, I canāt even pretend. I wonāt make you sit through reading that. Itās hard to fake ā the simper, the lip-bite, the giggling, giddy glee that pushes your tits out and sends out the fuck-me-pheremones, but itās easier than the ghost Iāve become of late.
Jesus, I sound fucking pathetic. Average. Dumb. I hate that word. Average. Like Iāve been slapped with a C+ and a could do betterĀ in red ink. Nick and I had another fight. It sounds so banal, to even think about ā Nick didnāt empty the trash again. Nick left his socks on the floor in the bedroom again. Nick left beard hair clogging up the drain again. Iāve become someone that I had no hand in becoming ā Average Amy. Not quite the same ring to it.
āHas anyone ever told you, you are a very brave man?āĀ
My parents would umm and aah about my next moves. I think they miss me, deep down ā deep down in a way that can be smothered with tennis in the Hamptons and cocktails by the beach. In debt my fucking ass.
I have spent years giving parts of myself away. Amazing Amy, one step ahead. Naughty Nick... eh. Disappointing. Here I am, world! I am officially the stupid, hormonal, empty fucking husk that you see before you! Doesnāt it make you sick? Iām a fucking sock that my Darling Husband pumps his cum into once every month and thinks I canāt smell whatever whore heās fucking on the side each time he stumbles into bed past midnight.
āSo... does the brave, bad artist have a name?ā I think, deep down, I know this makes me a hypocrite. But Nick leaves panties hanging out of his jeans (which he leaves on the floor, might I remind you) and Iām playing house. Fuck him. He doesnāt get to have it all.
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ItŹ¼s rather extreme, framing your husband for your murder. I want you to know I know that.
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CHARACTER FLAWS
BOLDĀ Ā ā Ā character trait.
ITALIC Ā ā Ā situational.
absent-minded | abusive | addict | adrenaline junkie |Ā aggressiveĀ | aimless | alcoholic | anxiousĀ |Ā arrogantĀ |Ā audaciousĀ | bad liar | bigmouth | bigot | blindly loyal |Ā bluntĀ |Ā callousĀ |Ā childish | chronic heroism | cheater | clingy | clumsy | cocky | codependent |Ā competitive | corrupt | cowardly |Ā cruelĀ | cynicalĀ | delinquent | delusionalĀ | dependent |Ā depressed | derangedĀ | disloyal | ditzy |Ā egotisticalĀ | envious | erraticĀ | fickleĀ | finickyĀ |Ā fixatedĀ | flaky | frail |Ā fraudulentĀ | foul mouthed | guilt complex | gloomy | gluttonous | gossiper | gruff | GRUDGE-HOLDING | gullible | hedonistic | humorlessĀ | hypochondriac |Ā hypocriticalĀ | idealist | idiotic | ignorant | immature | impatientĀ | incompetent | indecisive |Ā insecureĀ |Ā insensitiveĀ | lazy | lewd | liarĀ | lustful | Ā manipulativeĀ | masochistic | meddlesome |Ā melodramatic | money-loving | moodyĀ | naive | nervousĀ | nosy | orneryĀ | overprotective | overly sensitive | paranoid | passive-aggressive | perfectionistĀ | pessimist | pettyĀ | power-hungry |Ā proudĀ | possessiveĀ | pushover | recklessĀ | reclusiveĀ | remorseless | rigorous | sadistic |Ā sarcasticĀ | senile | selfishĀ | self-destructiveĀ | shallow | sociopathic |Ā sore loserĀ | spineless |Ā spitefulĀ | spoiled |Ā stubbornĀ | suspiciousĀ | tactless | temperamental | timid | thief | tone-deaf |Ā traitorousĀ | unathletic | ungracious | unlucky | unsophisticated |Ā untrustworthyĀ | vain |Ā withdrawn | workaholic.
TAGGED BY: @jokethurā.
TAGGING: no one. do it anyway x
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@fakedsciencesā / kieran:Ā you have a very pretty nose.Ā
Well, Iāll be damned. A housewife walks into a bar... well, I havenāt quite come up with the punchline yet. But the point still stands. (God, is that all I am now? A housewife?)Ā The recessionās been tough (!), I canāt find the work (!). For a while, I didnāt have to, with a fat trust fund and two phD parents to fall back on, until that rug was pulled out from under me. And now, Iām lamenting over a glass of eight-dollar rosĆ© with one ice cube and the remains of a lipstick stain on its side. Whore red is not my shade.
Iāve become everything I fucking despise.
āAnd you are very charming.ā Does this make me a cougar? Donāt look at me like that. Iām not my husband. But I amĀ bored. (Looking like me, youāre used to this kind of attention. Itās more nice tits, or whatās a girl like you doing in a place like this, but the creativity is appreciated.Ā
āSo what gives?ā He reminds me of Nick, five years ago. Ambitious. Clever. Cool. God, my husband was so fucking cool. And I wanted to be that for him! I wanted to be cool, like thatās the best thing in the world. I wanted him to look at me and think, yeah. Thatās my cool wife. She doesnāt moan. She doesnāt nag. She loves me, and I love her, and thatās all we need in the world. The world has a way of getting in the middle of that, and a U-haul and three hours of unpacking later, and. Well. I think I left my heart in New York.
Thatās a saying, right? I left my heart in [fill in the blank].Ā Itās like a bad tourist gimmick sold on the side of the street. Itās a New York delicacy, next to pastrami and rye, and right behind the I HEART NYC t-shirts made from polyester and child labour.
But, in the most eloquent of terms, I mean this: Every ounce of adoration, love, and respect I once felt for Nick is still wrapped in packing tape in the corner of our NY apartment.
So why not?
A housewife walks into a bar...Ā (Have you noticed that all wife jokes include sandwiches, cleaning, or kitchens?)
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@asundered / nick:Ā [ coat ]Ā your muse holds mineās coat out for them while they put it on.
This is a straitjacket. I feel like Iām being tossed out like a piece of old furniture. Half of meās still in the apartment, overlooking the city in the bowels of a cold, empty bedroom. Heās taken me, trussed up like a Christmas ham, away from the very lifeblood Iāve lived and loved all my life, and packed me off like some fucking UPS man. Slap a stamp on it, and watch it get crushed and crumpled from one end of America to the other. You might think Iām dramatic ā of course weāll move to the armpit of the country and support your family though this time.Ā Iām game. I was always game. He didnāt even have to say the word, and I was packing up my trinkets. (Trinkets, because thatās all I have now. A box in the corner of a U-haul that the rest of my soul can die in. Hm. I take your point. Dramatic.) But itās not like that.
He barely looks at me as we leave. I canāt tell if itās guilt, or donāt look at me like that, Amy.Ā He defrauds the entire fucking idea by pretending itās our next big adventure. The rest is background noise. But when you start fading into the background along with the linens I donāt think he everĀ liked... thatās the breaking point. Thatās the thin line between husband and wife and... master and his bitch.
He wraps me up, calm, cool, and barely leaves me standing there, in the midst of our entire lives being plucked up, each string at a time, from our New York lives. Heās going to make me a fucking hillbilly.Ā
Nick Dunne has broken my heart.
Iām trying not to be a bitch. I am. But Iām no Georgia Peach. (Heād correct me there ā ah ah ah, Amy. Weāre not going to the south. Itās the Midwest, asĀ he likes to remind me of how my geographical inconsistencies are one of the otherĀ things heād like to leave behind in Manhattan. Itās not The South with a capital S, but itās damn near close enough. I Google Mapped it before we came outside. Middle-of-fucking-nowhere America. Crime rates are crawling up like the spider up my neck and circling like the goddamn horseflies. Yee-fucking-haw.)
āAre you ready?ā I love my husband, I love my husband, I love my husband. I will support him through anything. I will feed him, and cherish him, and fuck him til he canāt stand up, and Iāll put on my best smile and take my deepest breath and march my way down to the firing squad.
āItās not forever, right?ā
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ItŹ¼s rather extreme, framing your husband for your murder. I want you to know I know that.
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