diaryofsecrecy
Dear diary;
If it wasn't in writing, did it really happen?
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At the edge of the forest, Mazovia
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A bit over 6 months ago, I got the cloest to ending my life than I ever had before.
What got me there doesnt really matter in hindsight, nor in the moment. As sadness seems to strike everyone at any given time, for no rhyme or reason. It is so easy to allow ones thought to wonder into despair. & for a person whom has a tendency to wonder in general, it has been especially difficult to stay grounded both physically and mentally.
Lot has gone on since then.. ended the life I had presently, Closed it all out completely. Ended 5 years of a relationship I felt I would need all my life.
Found a New home, of my own. It small, it temporary, but.. it feels so freeing. When I go out I have this comfort knowing I can do or say anything without anyone to wonder why I choose whom I consern myself with, and when I get home it all feels so comfortable to my individuality.
Went to school, got a New job. First adult job really, with all the benefits and what haves. Amazing to think that a bit of selfish passion in a career direction can be so rewarding. Has it been easy, absolutely fucking not. Am I greatful of all the new paths I can see myself leading, yes. Greatful doesnt cover it and I am glad I allowed life to do me justice rather than robbing it of the chance.
I've lost over 200lbs, staying busy, watching what I eat and focusing on the end goal.
Who do I want to be remembered as? Well, for starters, my next door neighbor sure set the bar high. A women of God, recklessly loving, force to be reckoned with. She stayed herself no matter the trials she had to face for many of her last years. If I could be half the women she was, that alone would encompasses so many lives in big and small ways. That's who I've always been called to be, and with intentional moves, I belive I can be a women she would have been proud of.
Firm. Strong. Determine. Compassionate. Loving. Empathetic. I have that, just need to channel it toward positivity on my behalf as well as others l, rather than emptying myself to refill those around me.
One step at a time and I hope to never look at myself again as I once did.
When I get life more figured out I am keeping faith that the right people, places and things will open my life up to opportunities I would have never imagined for myself.
Sidenote, I still think about him multiple times a day. Much like an addiction I feel tainted even with his absolute absence. I wonder more than anything else if it was ever real. The passion. Familiarity, soul connection I felt or more of a make-believe coping mechanism for us to carry on though own life darker chapters. Feels As if he has left a part of himself inside my head. Every song I hear differently. When i speak with new people and we are bantering back and fourth, even in a flirtatious way, i so often compare it to our first encounter that didnt feel like a first at all. Sigh. I wish he understood how deeply I care but as he told me before;
"Somethings are just better left unsaid until it is time to conquer what you need to help you through all things in life."
It's a run on sentence and I'm in love with the way i can still him the way his lips would say it, with kind eyes and his crooked guestered smile.
As much as I want these next few months to be not pleasurable for him. I want nothing but for him to have peace. Even if this was real for him, which I have a deep feeling it wasn't, I want him to wake up each morning truly happy. To fall asleep fufilled and to feel that warmth of comfort when his restless mind is drifting. To be pampered and appreciated and to have someone that listens to all of his fast, fast thought processes, to slow him gently enough yet never hold him back from exploring all he ever desires. Even if it is not to my benefit in any way shape or form.
In the meantime, I want to fix me completely, because should I ever find someone i feel this intimate about.. I want to be a women that he can not go on living the same without. I dont want to be the girl he talked to and thought highly of. I deserve it to myself to be the Women he firmly had to stand beside because he didnt want to miss another moment an amazing Journey with a life partner.
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“I wish I wasn’t such a dreamer. I’ve ruined this life for myself.”
— N.M. Sanchez
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“You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
— John Green; The Fault in Our Stars
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Today is July 13th. My 25th Birthday. I awoke this morning alone & my first thought was you. I layed there for 30 min with my eyes still closed, leg around my body pillow, imagining you pressing yourself against me while you pull me into you, pressing your lips against my breasts. It felt good to allow myself to imagine it, carefree, no secretcy, just mutual morning loving. I was thinking about it so much so I could feel my body longing for you as my sheets lightly dampened without me even touching myself.
As my day progressed, I found myself thinking of you consistently. Knowing all you're juggling right now, my heart aches to be there for you.
When you wrote me asking to keep ansage distance for the next three weeks in order to get your life together, it made sense, but it still hurts not to even hear your voice today.
Not yet, I tell myself. Not your place Nicole, however, as much as I want to ghost the whole thing, I have an intuitional feeling that perhaps one day, it may just happen.
Already, just to know that you're someone who works hard, plays hard, shares spiritually, love, passion needs and the never dying exploration of living life fully..... all I've ever wanted or needed.... it feels too right to be wrong? right?
Too many ways we have been drawn toward one another for it not to mean Something? right?
I realized today that during the time you were in high school, living with your sister, I was drawing blue prints of the house you were living in? haha sounds silly but, I was in geometry when they told us to create our dream home layout. I hadnt been to their home in at least 3 years, and I drew it all from memory without hesitation. I was the only one that didnt make a dream mansion, but I was just thinking of their house and I remember it being a specific thing that was odd in the moment. Much like my last minute decision of going to Caly's gradualtion. No intentions to go, but just felt like I needed to.
Random, and maybe I'm just too stoned and tired, but that feels like an unexplainable pull. I am so drawn to you, I swear to god I've known you before and it scares me shitless.
My brain keeps telling me youre not seriously explaining your feelings, definitely getting it elsewhere and telling me what I need to hear because you're just a kind guy who gets off on building women up.... but that's my brain, the same one that tells me to stay with Brent forever despite happiness.
My heart says, You're a deep thinker, and a talker as he is, surly he wouldnt say those things if he truly wasn't feeling what I am...this feeling of nostalgia?
This horrible feeling of youre It. I say horrible because if that IS the case, I may never get a chance to actually be with you for a long, long, long time.
When you get divorced, your friends and everyone are going to tell you to not settle down for a long time, which I totally understand, respect and think is normal. However, Fuccccckkk.
I want you day in and day out. If we could pause life and switch out characters, I can easily, so easily see me fitting into your life so seamlessly. id do my remote work thing, taking every opportunity to travel along side you.
Some nights youd be exhaustted, so I'd have a meal ready, and give you head before bed. Feeling spontaneous? We'd could go into the cities and roll our faces off, come back to our room, and redefine what empty hotel rooms are for, opportunity of lustful, purified Love making.
sigh.
if only.
Anyway, I am officially 25& I have no idea what I want in life, but I do know that you're something I want in it for a long time.
-nicole
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Though there is much to be concerned about, there is far, far more for which to be thankful. Though life's goodness can at times be overshadowed, it is never outweighed.
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It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...
Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea. Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER. They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...
Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖
The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.
To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years, And on drugs. She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out. We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.
Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.
Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.
(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)
We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.
At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.
I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.
After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..
Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.
Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)
Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.
At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."
A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.
I am the problem..?
When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...
Rewind 1 week before house sitting;
1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.
We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.
God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.
Then, he was there, at our table?
He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.
He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.
This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?
When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world, Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?
Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.
I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.
My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.
I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.
I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.
I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.
That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.
It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.
The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....
But that is because he doesnt See Me.
My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.
If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.
He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.
Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..
He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.
I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.
He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?
Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....
Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.
As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.
I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.
Ugh.
So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.
Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.
I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?
Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?
Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?
Suppose time will tell.
Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.
I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔
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