feedthepigeons

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this was funnier in my head ngl dkfksfdks

#disco elysium

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I never told my wife I had an ex-fiancee 

One thing I never told my wife is that I had a fiancee before her. It’s a long story, so buckle up.

It was the year after I graduated college. I was dating my girlfriend, Stephanie, for a couple years and things were getting serious. At the time, I had my roommate, Joey, but he was a Craigslist roommate. We didn’t know each other very well. If you asked me how I knew him aside from Craigslist, the answer is I didn’t. He wouldn’t even tell me where he grew up.

Now, no shit, on the day I was going to propose, tragedy struck. I adorned our apartment with candles and even set up a nice glass display with framed pictures of me and Steph on top. Before Steph came in, Joey walked in and tripped. He actually shattered the glass display and got some in his face. Steph came in a few minutes later as I was on the phone with 911. Fortunately, Steph is a nurse, so she was able to patch him up as the three of us went to the hospital together.

Joey would recover, but he had some issues with glass on his face. He needed some cotton gauze inside his eye, which fortunately the doctors were able to save.

Clearly, I put off my proposal for the time being, but Steph and I agreed to get married. Our engagement was hush hush. Steph’s hours were wonky so she took care of Joey when I wasn’t around. And I should’ve seen the red flags, but I ignored them. They’d hang out together with and without me. They’d be in Joey’s room and lock the door.

One day, I came home and all of Joey’s stuff was gone. He moved out. Steph wrote a note. The note said, “We fell in love and we’re leaving together. Don’t try to find us.”

I didn’t listen and I searched, but true to the note, I couldn’t find them. I’ll never know what happened.

Suffice to say,

if it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe

I’d have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

#this is one of my all time favourite jokes #funny

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What makes the farmer of Stardew Valley so... different?

What made the Junimos believe this twenty-something loser could be their saviour?

Why does everyone accept their behaviour, and choose to believe they're a friend when their behaviour is almost stalkerish?

Why did Mr Qi believe they were interesting enough to meet?

When anyone else visits the old community centre, they find an abondened building with rotted wood beams and plants growing through the floor, but when the Farmer explores, the spirits of a different world greet them at the door.

Everyone knows of these legendary fish, rumoured, but never seen. The Farmer can find them all with unnatural ease. Willy has worked in the fishing industry for his whole life and he only knew of their existence, and has not once been able to find one.

The explosive force of several kilos of dynamite should be enough to shred a person to pieces, but, it just knocks them around a little.

Aliens crash landed on his property. The witch cursed his farm, the skeletons cursed his luck. The fairies gave him blessings in return.

Why is it that when anyone else looks down, they see dirt, but when the Farmer looks, they find an ancient fossil of unknown origin? Why does regular food and drink change them at the atomic level?

Is it a blessing or a curse to be at the centre of the vortex, forever forced to play out century-old vendettas and be the change in a thousand lives? Wherever the farmer goes, the world moves with them, twisting itself around to curse and appease them as much as possible. Is the Farmer drawn to the supernatural, or is it the supernatural that finds the farmer so alluring?

And everywhere they go, Mr Qi watches, and waits.

#jesus christ #jesus chartoom #stardew valley

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what in the sound of silence is the sound of silence for a song. ans the people bowed and praid to the neon gods they madee AND THE WORDS OF PROPHETS ARE WRITTEN ON THE SUBWAY WALLS EKDKMCKDOSOSPS i cant

#simon and garfunkel #sound of silence #what in the

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the mysterious casino manager who keeps asking me to do his stupid quests

#in love #stardew valley

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i accidentally napped and had a dream (nightmare?) where a new update for stardew valley released where everything was the same except on a random day in year 3 Evelyn would just straight up die. There was a whole cutscene that started in her house where she collapsed, and then transitioned over to the hospital where Harvey gave George and Alex the worst news of their lives. However, they got to speak to her where she said something along the lines of "Yoba will protect me, and I am sure he will let me watch over you."

Alex and George would not talk to the player for more than a few words for a full season after this event. George would spend most of his time in the bedroom, so if you had less than 2 hearts with him, you could barely ever speak to him.

And Alex... oh my god, poor Alex. If you were married to him during this event, he just stayed in bed all day. Otherwise, if single, he would just stand on the beach most of the time, staring off into the ocean. If you tried to interact with him, it would just say "Alex is grieving... Better leave him be."

There was also other NPC dialogue like mayor Lewis saying "I haven't seen the community in this state of mourning since your grandfather passed..."

there was also a glitch where you could make Evelyn live forever and there were entire guides for the "immortal Evelyn glitch" that got patched out in the next update. If you tried to perform the glitch after the patch, mr. Qi would tell you that "hey, it happens to all of us. We can't prevent it, and neither can you, no matter how hard you try."

#jesus chartoom #jesus christus #ok i tried writing jesus christ but i am very high rn #who the fuck is jesus chartoom #i want jesus #no we have jesus at home #jesus at home: #jesus fucking chartoom #ok anyway this is insane #stardew valley

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“I loved you, always.”

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day 3: your life is mine ♡

(femslashfeb prompt list)

#aaaaaaaaaaaaaah #unholy screeching

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So, a funny thing happened on trigun twitter

(amazon link where its 50% off as of May 8th: https://www.amazon.com/This-How-You-Lose-Time/dp/1534430997/)

(more up to date version here because holy fuck did this escalate)

#i have read a book #and it was good #very good #you could say it was great #but that would be an understatement #maybe if youre reading this you should read it too

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Am I getting a good grade in tumblr mutual?

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y'ever get haunted by the fear you will never write anything as beautiful as the US Steel Pipe Works Slag Dump Youtube Comment cuz hoo boy i sure do:

shoutout to you, youtube user mrc109, wherever you may be today

#jesus christ #beautiful

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enough fighting;

#i don't think the regular pigeon likes hugging that much #but feel free to correct me if i'm wrong

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Wheat fields are more mystical than fields of other crops. You are 7,000 times more likely to meet an old god or see a portent of doom in a wheat field than in a field of like… soybeans.

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Two idiots decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. 

"What's Logic?" the first idiot asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."

"Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!"

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The idoit is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"

The idiot, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" he replies.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" he asked.

"No," his friend replied.

"Gay."

[feedthepigeons]

This animation without the filter because it fucked with the framerate for some reason (this isn't the intended look otherwise, but bleh)

#ah yes godzilla content #beautiful #stunning #amazing #insane

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#his face made me laugh #hazbin hotel