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The Magic’s Disappearing Act

It’s draft night, and I can’t wait to see who my beloved Orlando Magic choose with the fifth draft pick. It’s always exciting to see who the next guy to leave Orlando once he gets good will be. 

Shaq: left for money and to engage in more of this type of artistic brilliance

Tracy Mcgrady: Was not drafted by the team, but is one of the franchise’s(and the NBA’S) all-time greats, and he understandably became disenchanted with the franchise because not only was the team financially handcuffed for several years by having to constantly replace the papier maiche in Grant Hill’s ankle, but they also surrounded him with Electric Can Opener Repair School intramural players, Patrick Ewing with the total of 1/4 of a good knee, and a 76 year old, Shawn Kemp, whose former gift of flight...

....had been reduced to such a degree that he couldn’t jump over a thin-sliced Fruit Rollup.

Also, during the T-Mac era, to bring the malaise to a comically painful degree, they hired a GM, John Weisbrod, who knew nothing about basketball, only had hockey experience, and apparently, he took too many pucks to the head because even with the T-Mac trade situation looming large, he said that his first priority was signing Stacey Augmon

And who can forget Fran Vasquez? No seriously....anyone who has forgotten about him, let me know your secret because I’ve been trying and can’t seem to shake the blatant rumpcustard of that situation from my overworked, underproductive brain. For those who don’t know, Fran, owns the distinction of having fled Orlando....before ever coming to Orlando. The Magic drafted him in 2005, and he declined their advances, opting to stay in the Spanish League, without so much as a cup of froyo and a half-hearted “It’s not you, it’s me.” However, as a bonus prize, in recent years, he has used the threat of actually playing for the Magic as a means to leverage better contracts in the Spanish league, in other words, he had no intention of ever coming to Orlando. That’s like getting mad at the love of your life for buying the wrong brand of neapolitan, and threatening to leave her for some funnel cake kiosk worker who gave you a reacharound during a Sister Hazel concert.

But cheer up, Magic fans, at least Vasquez didn’t agree to play with the team, then “Lolz, just trolling, pimpin” his way out of it AKA, at least he didn’t PULL A BILLY MOTHERCRUSTING DONOVAN

Then, of course, as everyone knows to a nauseating degree, Dwight Howard, whined his way out of town so that he could begin shuffling throughout the league to show everyone that it’s ok for men to cry...constantly...and that you are less likely to hurt yourself when wiping the tears with your fingers, if while doing so, you’re not wearing any championship rings.

Ok, so, in all fairness, I like the young, exuberant team that the Magic have put together, and am excited to see who they choose to add to the mix. However, all long-term Magic fans know the same cycle that constantly repeats itself always begins on draft night, so it is not uncommon for us Magic faithful to experience at least a moderate degree of DNSD(Draft Night Stress Disorder)

#Orlando Magic #NBA #NBA Draft #Basketball #Orlando #Magic #Florida #Dwight Howard #D12 #Tracy Mcgrady #Shaquille Oneal

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Bron Bron Juice: Migratory Refreshment

Has everyone seen this product?

I heard that it’s really good, but the store clerks are having trouble keeping it stocked properly because every time it doesn’t like the products that it is stocked next to, it relocates to a different shelf. 

Also, make sure you keep it refrigerated and in an air conditioned area because when it is in a non climate-controlled situation, it goes totally flat

#Lebron #Lebron James #Miami Heat #Cleveland Cavaliers #NBA #NBA Playoffs #NBA Finals #Sprite #Sports #Humor #Basketball #Golden State Warriors

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When I’m kayaking, and I see a beer can floating in the water

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Go Bolts #Be The Thunder #Hockey #NHL

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Their Sorrow is My Blissfit

Those announcers after the Lightning scored the winning goal

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Go Bolts #Be The Thunder #NHL #Hockey #Tampa #Tampa Bay

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When someone asks me for a Mentos, and the next one in the roll isn’t strawberry.

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Go Bolts #Be The Thunder #Tampa #Tampa Bay #NHL #Hockey

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When I wake up and remember that I have leftover pizza

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Tampa #Tampa Bay #Be The Thunder #NHL #Hockey

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Tear Duct Torrents

The announcers of the Lightning/Rangers game after the Lightning won and the broadcast went to commercial

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Tampa #Tampa Bay #Be The Thunder #Go Bolts

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Horrifically Flexible

That one night when it was pitch black outside and I walked into a spiderweb

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Tampa #Hockey Bay #Be The Thunder #NHL #Hockey

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Unleashing My Undearneathables

When I’m half a box of wine down, and am wearing my Adidas breakaway pants with the side-snaps

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Tampa #Tampa Bay #Bolts #Hockey #NHL #Be The Thunder

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Blissfully Boltful

When I think the food is finished, then find the fries that fell into the bottom of the bag

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Tampa #Tampa Bay #Be The Thunder #Hockey #NHL

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Tiptoe Through The Toemiss

When I get drunk and try to kick my flip flops off my feet

#Tampa Bay Rays #Rays Up #MLB

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Hush Your Habsmanship!

If the announcer from tonight’s game is going to cheer any harder for Montreal, he might as well grow an orange full head-beard just like Montreal’s out-of-work dunking booth repairman looking mascot

#Tampa Bay Lightning #Go Bolts #NHL #Be The Thunder #Tampa

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When the car in front of you slows down to let another car pull onto the road from a parking lot, then, they both make it through the red light but you don’t

#Tampa Bay Rays #Rays Up #MLB #Baseball #Traffic

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And on that day...his jorts were jostled

Many of you have heard of this story, and for those who haven’t, the man is going to be ok. Now that the obligatory humanitarian fluff is out of the way, the question is, how do you get your face in such close proximity to the only dangerous part of a snake?

Well...here’s a more detailed headline of what occurred

If only there were warning signs though, we could’ve stopped this from happening, right? If only his behavior would have indicated that he would venture so far into the realm of “Dude..hold my beer,” this could have been avoided. Well...I’m of the belief that if people would’ve been paying attention, they’d have seen a crystal-clear message that his life was leading toward this pathway to ridiculum. 

I rest my case.

#Snake #Hold My Beer #Jorts #SEC #NCAA #College Football #Florida #Florida Gators #FSU #FSU Seminoles #Georgia Bulldogs #UGA #Alabama Crimson Tide #Miami Hurricanes #USF Bulls #Gators Wear Jean Shorts

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Montreolly Folly

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#tampa bay lightning #Bolts #Be The Thunder #NHL #Hockey #Tampa #Tampa Bay

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#MLB #ESPN #Tampa Bay Rays #Rays Up #Baseball #Sports #Tampa Bay #Tropicana Field

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Pulling Double-Duty

How is Shahid Khan the owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars, and not my Tampa Bay Bucs?

I mean....C’mon son

Looking like this, how can he pass-up the opportunity to serve as both the Bucs owner, and the mascot? Another added bonus of him setting up shop in Tampa rocking this stellar look, is that he would be Gasparilla-ready 24/7/365. 

The fact that this will never happen, is one of the reasons why there is not enough joy in the world.

Hell, even before I thought of this synergy of stachedom, I was putting a BucKhaneer vibe out into the universe

#Tampa Bay Bucs #NFL #Tampa Bay #Football #Mustache #Handlebar Mustache #Shad Khan #Jacksonville Jaguars