fuckinorangecat

[fuckinorangecat]

sigh

[fuckinorangecat]

zoinks

[fuckinorangecat]

I've never had anxiety until I came to Japan. It's soul-crushing. I'm happy I finally get to understand my friends but how the fuck do you function like this???? I barely coping. It's so dumb. I've been feeling suicidal so often recently and I'm so sick of it.

Nothing makes me happy. CRAZY. I'm going mental.

My heart feels heavy, like its being crushed by a massive weight.

fuck off man

[fuckinorangecat]

I feel sick of existing.

It's just too difficult to enjoy anything nowadays.

I always just fucking think I have to be doing something else, because I do. Papers, afterschool, during school. I just hate working. Call me spoiled I don't care.

I'm so tired of it all. I wish life was enjoyable. Like when I used to look forward to being awake before anyone else just to watch something. When I used to look forward to the weekend. To anything.

#diary #thoughts #txt #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

???¿??¿??????¿?????¿??

[fuckinorangecat]

time is going so quickly man.

#diary #thoughts #txt #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

i can safely say I've never suffered from anxiety until now

now i have constant cold sweats

my sweat has never smelled bad before, until now

crazy body development at age 25

i wonder if this is forever

at least i can say i don't have stage fright anymore?

life of an english teacher

#diary #txt #thoughts #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

breathe

[fuckinorangecat]

it's really hard

[fuckinorangecat]

gotta keep going

[fuckinorangecat]

my brain can't rest

It's just constant thoughts

Man I just want to run away again.

I just want to be free, man

[fuckinorangecat]

my new years resolutions are:

- being kinder

- being stronger

I should be kinder to myself though

I should also be more truthful but that will take a long long time

on a side note, I came on the jet programme to run away from my existence in london but I've come to understand that I'm connected to the same people no matter where I am

I just want to be alone (yes I know I say this a lot, shush this is my personal diary I can say anything I want)

#diary #txt #thoughts #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

I've been making some effort to hang out with people since I've joined the jet programme but I find myself wanting to be alone more and more

I find people tiring to be around

After I went to Tokyo I've realised I'm not really much of a tourist and I love home so much

Home is my everything

I love being alone so much

A lot of people in this programme are quite outgoing compared to me

I think what I enjoy are small little moments, just going out to the restaurant or having a nice walk is enough for me

Sometimes with these feelings I wonder if my friends grow tired of me lol

My London friends are used to me but I don't think the people around me are lol

Which is fine, people have different expectations of friendship

Not everyone can be compatible

A lot of people want to hang out with me and I do try to oblige sometimes

I went to Disney land with a jet that's been asking me to hang since August lol he was very happy but now wants to hang out more because we always have a great time

I just want to sleeeeeeepppppppppp

uwaaaaah

am I selfish? Probably

I'm grateful people like me

But I love being alone so much

#diary #txt #thoughts #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

I would do anything to hold my cat rn

[fuckinorangecat]

I hope all yellowfever people die man

I've never been so uncomfortable in my life

What is wrong with people

fuckin weirdos

#diary #txt #thoughts #personal

[fuckinorangecat]

rambling

It feels like forever since I had a day to myself. I feel rested and happy. Although I haven't really been productive today, I'm still happy. I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, been brainstorming decor and have been playing an old game all day. I found new music to listen to and I've been singing all day. I wish I had a good voice lol, it feels so good to hit high notes, like a rhythm game. I'm also rereading vagabond for the 58th time, that manga really is my life. It's my barbie... There's just something with stories about people journeying through life that just resonates with me. I love being alone so much, I could be alone forever. Of course, with the addition of friends and family. I don't really care about relationships. Speaking of which, I had an uncanny encounter with another ALT the other day. It was my second time meeting her but yeah... She flirted with me? Confusion. I don't really do that stuff. Flirting is fine, but calling me a boytoy when I'm in a car alone with you is not lol. I will never understand people. Also, I'm not a boy, or a man, I'm just a normal human. She also definitely has yellow fever, which is extremely gross lol. I went silent and she continued so I guess she isn't the best at social cues? Idk. If she didn't flirt with me that way or had a clear case of yellowfever, everything would've been fine, I would at least try to be her friend. She complains about being lonely which is valid. I wouldn't wish loneliness on anyone. However, she seems desperate for a relationship which is something I'll never understand. Anyway, I'd write more but it's midnight and I'm tired.

love

#personal #diary #txt #thoughts

[fuckinorangecat]

I've been able to breathe more recently.

It's been some time since the English speech contest failure and I feel a lot better now. My student, despite what happened, still found the time to give me a gift, thanking me for the past month. Whilst in the mean time, I was just moping around, still depressed about the whole thing. She gave me a whole bottle of orange juice, fresh from her grandfather's farm. I felt the strangest mix of happiness but also guilt. I couldn't help but smile. She's so, so kind. I'm starting to really appreciate this gift-giving culture in Japan, it really does mean a lot. As soon as I found the bottle on my desk, I rushed to the local bakery and bought her a selection of cakes and other things. I wrote her a letter saying, despite results, she was one of the most talented people I've ever met. I meant that genuinely. Every session we had together she consistently improved. People like that have no limit and I know she will achieve her dream one day. She wants to be pharmacist/chemist, I pray she gets closer and closer to her dream everyday.

#text #diary #personal