idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

I had this dream last night of riding a bike near a park with fresh green grass and an endless blue sky in the afternoon. There were kids playing at a little playground, some people having a picnic, and a birthday party near a barbecue grill. I was filled with this huge rush of happiness, just to be alive and to look around me.

I started to pull my phone out, because a part of me worried that I would forget what I had seen, and I wanted to remember it forever. As I opened my camera app, however, I suddenly gained lucidity. Of course I wouldn’t remember, it was a dream. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep any photos.

But even with tears streaming down my face I was grinning, and I took dozens of pictures before deciding to just look instead, desperately trying to burn everything into my mind. The streaks of white clouds, the endless pale blue expanse above me, the trees nearby as wind blew through their leaves.

I definitely don’t have those photos I took on my phone, but I have them in my mind now. It’s given me just a little something to look forward to.

#:] #dreams #I’ve been struggling for a while to find something to look forward to. #some reason #some future event or goal to aim for #then this little dream came along #I can’t properly describe just how happy I was #even when crying #acknowledging my future loss #I couldn’t stop the way my heart raced #the way I wanted to toss my bike to the grass and just run and run and wave at everyone and just yell for the sake of it #And even now I can’t find it in me to be sad for having woken up #I Hope to someday feel just as alive as I felt in that dream. #And I know I will. I have no doubt about it. #words #life #bittersweet #salty tears and wet grins #bare teeth and a sunset.

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

John Steinbeck, Journal of a Novel: The East of Eden Letters

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style, is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do i still care?" "why am i not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "i don't feel fear but i also don't feel this intense need for them, do i even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs/feelings that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, so when you don't have that need, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The truth is, that feeling you are holding onto is just a comfort zone for you and keeps you from letting that one part of you that you hide, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you. This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

December 14 2023

I’ve gotten myself in a LDR situation and I’m not sure i like it. Having experienced a relationship with more than a thousand miles between us once before, I knew what to expect. I knew there would be moments when the distance felt too great, and how the realization of living two separate lives can feel lonely. All too familiar with the loneliness and insecurities that come with being apart, I sort of made a decision to not do that again. But alas, a handful of years later, here I am. again.

Aside from the distance, there’s really no other complaints. He’s kind to me, makes efforts, takes time to write and send letters, the sex is great, and we are well-matched with our kinks.

When we’re together, it really does feel like no time has passed. There’s no awkwardness of the many weeks without touch and affection. It feels good and natural, and I’m comfortable in his presence.

But those moments are for a weekend, and when those few days are over, and we say our farewells and until next time, the passing weeks begin to feel lonely. The realities of being apart creeps back in.

I like him, and I like him when we’re together. But I don’t like who I become when we are apart—I’ll often wrest between my heart thoughts and head thoughts, shifting between logic and nonsense.

Despite wanting to feel him close, I look for and find reasons to keep myself at a safe distance. It’s difficult to cozy up to hopes and ideas; or rely on imagining what it could be. But at the same time, it’s those same hopes and ideas that keep me from falling completely out of reach.

Being vulnerable is hard enough, but add to that distance and doubt, and well, it just feels damn near impossible.

So yeah. I’m in a long distant relationship with someone I really like, but I don’t think like it.

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

It's a strange thing

Saying goodbye to

Something that

Never existed

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

Can't get close enough

Kept behind the digital

Wall between us

Your ghost in Technicolor

(A) haunting smile I'll never

Touch

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

The duality of wanting someone to fight to have me, and of knowing the pain of desperately yearning for a love that’s never given freely.

#thoughts #words #spilled ink #wonder if anyone relates

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

I'll run until I can't, until I can pretend the burning need for oxygen in my lungs could distract me from the ache of contrition.

Grieving for something not lost, I've but myself to blame.

#a little thing I wrote a while ago #words #I always slide back into this #the same cycle #have you ever experienced that feeling when you run #really fast #and everything burns #and then it stops #then.. freedom #or smth like that #what am I talking about anyways #spilled ink

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

i keep fucking up please how do i stop i’m so tired

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

Megan Chance, The Spiritualist // Edith Eger, The Choice (Google search results) // Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe // Holly Black // Ariesa Ra // Andrea Bartz, We Were Never Here // J. U. Scribe, Roman Identity // Hannah Harrington

[Requested by @lynnimal]

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

Are you ok?

No but I’m funny

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

“But why so extreme??” My life is not a story to tell, I am not here to lay out a clear line of my slow descent into madness. I do not care about extremities.

#words #thoughts #spilled ink #I guess? #ik there’s no context #I would apologize for that #but why #if I’m not going to change it?

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

You called me lazy without knowing I was busy trying to keep myself alive

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

Which one would you pick?

#super mario #halo #of course #and gta #all fairly nostalgic games

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

something sacred. 8/19/21.

taglist + image id under the cut <3

taglist: @lovelament @herodiaz @loveyouforl000years @falseprophetgf @uncannyparrish @stardstgf @xuanyuu @prophetbf @bakaree @becomingicarus @maharanis @arthuriankings @dazeythescout @kugisakigf @boysaints @only2love @viilettis @rorygilmoregf

[id: black text on a white background. a poem that reads:

something sacred

when i was a kid i always envied the boys who were so easily friends with each other, as if it took almost no effort at all. i wondered what it was to drape an arm across your friends shoulders or knock your ankles together with dirt smeared knees and know that nothing in the world could change what you have, because you're laughing and the sun is warming your skin. there is something so sacred about being friends with someone and never feeling the need to change.

there is something sacred about a boy who is best friends with another boy.

i see a group of boys skateboarding as i take my dog by the park and avert my eyes, as if I'm witnessing something private in the way they fall in a heap after failing a trick. i come home and imagine myself carving a place among them with my long hair and jeans, carving a place in one of them and stealing their place in their body and making it mine. maybe then i will sleep at night maybe then the world will right itself maybe then i won't feel the need to duck past every mirror i see.

there is something sacred about a boy who is best friends with another boy and i worship that every week.

end id.]

#hurts #why is this so real though

[idontlikemarshmallowsthatmuch]

With every bird a fly, love

And every bush a tree

Then all the world is mine, love

And all my heart, complete

#this randomly popped into my head #lyrics?