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TGT as quotes from other Door Monster Videos

Noam: I have a good feeling about this one! There’s only so many ways a rocket can explode... before taking off

Scott: Not having a table is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy 

Katie: I’m not in it for the cash, just for the fame. Take that haters.

Emma: Alright peasant. You are going to give me all the information I need and nothing else. No humorous an I’m anecdotes, no monologues I can’t skip through, and no side quests.

Meyer: Go round the block? You know what will happen if I go round the block? The economy will plummet! Stocks will drop! Jobs will be lost!

Richie: The blaze will start small, deterring your attempts to locate the source until it rages out of control. You will immediately regret your decision to prank call the fire department as they will not come to your aid.

Messier: Death isn’t real and I’m basically god.

Amicus: Whether she’s angry or bored, this probably ends in your death

Artemis: I am SO RICH

News anchor: Breaking news! Everything is fine

Lincoln: All I’m saying is that if we need money, I got it covered. So just ask

Paul: I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know where I am.

Sylvia: My painful over ambition started early

Jenny: I don’t know why I’m dealing with this. I don’t get paid by the hour

Tedd: My feeble mind is fine, thank you very much 

Shawn: He’s an unremarkable hero in a world of insanity 

Harold: *proudly* I took a Spanish class in high school!

#source: door monster #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by anonymous

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Richie, texting Noam: Noam! Help I’m being kidnapped Noam: Where are you? Richie: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help. Noam: I’ll call Scott. Scott, answering their cell: Y’ello? Noam: Where’s Richie? They texted me that they were being kidnapped. Scott: Richie? Whaddya mean, they’re right next to me- Scott: Scott: I’ll call you back. *hangs up* Scott THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD! Richie: WHO ARE YOU?!

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt richie #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Katie: Must be hard not being able to laugh Noam: I do have a sense of humor you know Katie: I’ve never heard you laugh before Noam: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt katie #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Artemis Cossling: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt artemis cossling #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Katie: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life Noam: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Katie: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Richie: edible

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt richie #tgt katie #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Paul: So, is the new project going forward?

Messier: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!

*both laugh*

Messier: I mean, kill you even sooner.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt messier #tgt paul #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Noam: Are either of you good at making annoying noises?

Katie: My time has come.

#source: gravity falls #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt katie #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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The Guards Themselves as John Mulaney

Noam: I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.

Scott: It is a 100 percent easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them- especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Lincoln: I quit drinking because I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told.

Richie: You know how I’m filled with rage?

Messier: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.

Katie: I yelled “fuck da police!”

Paul: What? Huh? What? HUH? WHAT? When?! What?!

Garrett Meyer: It’s like walking around with someone who is running for mayor of nothing.

Artemis Cossling: *chugs entire bottle* It’s perfume

Sylvia Crowe: I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die

Tedd Gunn: He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled “scatter!”

Jenny: No one cared what I thought

Amicus: I’m new in town and it gets worse.

Emma: Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street smarts!

Just all of it: This is an on fire garbage can

#source: john mulaney #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

[incorrect-tgt-quotes]

The Guards Themselves as crap my friends have said

Noam: We should genetically modify our bones to be hollow 

Scott: Hair should not be chunky

Lincoln: Sitting is just standing but sitting

Richie: “Which do you like more? Skittles or flaying?

Messier: Oh good! Another thing to shoot!

Katie: *in response to their significant other saying they love them for the first time* ditto

Paul: I don’t think getting attacked by a bear would hurt

Garret Meyer: I’ve already accepted I’m going to hell. At this point I’m just hoping that whatever circle I end up in keeps my feet warm

Artemis Cossling: I’m dying at the hands of aesthetics

Sylvia Crowe: Now is not the time for jazz hands!

Tedd Gunn: If people aren’t smoking weed at my funeral, I will be very disappointed

Jenny: The future is meaningless but the pasta is now

Amicus Curie: But when the relationship is going good, that’s when the swords come out

Emma: In this essay I will *screams*

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

[incorrect-tgt-quotes]

Katie: The moment my brother died, I felt a searing pain in my heart.

Lincoln: I’m so sorry,

Messier: Was it instant or was there a speed-of-light delay?

Noam: If it was instant, with the right arrangement of moving reference frames, we could use this to send signals back in time and violate causality! How many remaining siblings do you have?

Katie:…

Scott:…which we could try to use to somehow save your original brother!

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt messier #tgt katie #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

[incorrect-tgt-quotes]

Noam talking to a Meyer guard: But if you’re worried about bombs, why are you letting me keep my laptop batteries? If I overvolted them and breached the cells, it would make a sizable explosion.

Lincoln: Oh god.

Noam: It’s fine. In a moment, he’ll realize I have a good point and return my water.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt lincoln #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Lincoln’s computer: -Email Account Setup- To verify your identity, we need to ask you a question no one else could answer. Q: Where is the Anarchist’s bunker?

Lincoln typing: Behind the

Lincoln: ….

Lincoln typing: Nice try

Meyer behind his computer: Damn

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt lincoln #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Lincoln: I used to think correlation implied causation. Then I took a statistics class. Now I don’t.

Amicus: Sounds like the class helped.

Lincoln: Well, maybe.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt lincoln #tgt amicus curiae #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Artemis: Okay, got the blood off the walls.

Jenny: I finished the floor.

Artemis: Good, she’ll be home any- Oh crap! We forgot to clean the ceiling!

Jenny: There’s no time!

Artemis: Wait. I’ll handle it.

*Sylvia walks in*

Artemis: Hi. Did you know “gullible” is written on your ceiling?

Sylvia: Hah. Yeah, right.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt jenny #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

[incorrect-tgt-quotes]

*Noam is sitting outside the bunker*

Amicus: Should I ask?

Noam: I’m locked out, and trying to get Scott to let me in. 

Noam: First I tried his cell phone. Then, I tried IRC, but he’s not online.

Noam: I couldn’t find anything to throw at his window, so I ssh’d into the Mac Mini in the living room and got the speech synth to yell to him for me.

Noam: But I think I left the volume way down, so I’m reading the OS X Docs to learn to set the volume via command line.

Amicus: Ah… I take it the doorbell doesn’t work.

Noam:…

Amicus:…

Noam: I’m an idiot.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt amicus curiae #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Shaun: Now and then, I announce “I know you’re listening” to empty rooms.

Shaun: If I’m wrong, no one knows. And if I’m right, maybe I just freaked the hell out of some secret organization.

#source: xkcd #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt shawn #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

[incorrect-tgt-quotes]

Noam: Did you ever figure out those mysterious wood chips?

Katie: The ones in the hallway? No.

Noam: You didn’t suspect that they matched the timber used in 1861 to build the “ghost ship” Mary Celeste, prompting you to send them to a lab for analysis, the results of which raised new and stranger questions?

Katie: No, I threw them out. Why?

*Later*

Scott: Hey, Noam. What’s wrong?

Noam: My hoaxes need to get a lot less subtle.

#source: xkcd #tgt #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt katie #the guards themselves #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy