#tgt garrett meyer

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TGT as quotes from other Door Monster Videos

Noam: I have a good feeling about this one! There’s only so many ways a rocket can explode... before taking off

Scott: Not having a table is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy 

Katie: I’m not in it for the cash, just for the fame. Take that haters.

Emma: Alright peasant. You are going to give me all the information I need and nothing else. No humorous an I’m anecdotes, no monologues I can’t skip through, and no side quests.

Meyer: Go round the block? You know what will happen if I go round the block? The economy will plummet! Stocks will drop! Jobs will be lost!

Richie: The blaze will start small, deterring your attempts to locate the source until it rages out of control. You will immediately regret your decision to prank call the fire department as they will not come to your aid.

Messier: Death isn’t real and I’m basically god.

Amicus: Whether she’s angry or bored, this probably ends in your death

Artemis: I am SO RICH

News anchor: Breaking news! Everything is fine

Lincoln: All I’m saying is that if we need money, I got it covered. So just ask

Paul: I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know where I am.

Sylvia: My painful over ambition started early

Jenny: I don’t know why I’m dealing with this. I don’t get paid by the hour

Tedd: My feeble mind is fine, thank you very much 

Shawn: He’s an unremarkable hero in a world of insanity 

Harold: *proudly* I took a Spanish class in high school!

#source: door monster #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by anonymous

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The Guards Themselves as John Mulaney

Noam: I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.

Scott: It is a 100 percent easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them- especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Lincoln: I quit drinking because I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told.

Richie: You know how I’m filled with rage?

Messier: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.

Katie: I yelled “fuck da police!”

Paul: What? Huh? What? HUH? WHAT? When?! What?!

Garrett Meyer: It’s like walking around with someone who is running for mayor of nothing.

Artemis Cossling: *chugs entire bottle* It’s perfume

Sylvia Crowe: I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die

Tedd Gunn: He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled “scatter!”

Jenny: No one cared what I thought

Amicus: I’m new in town and it gets worse.

Emma: Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street smarts!

Just all of it: This is an on fire garbage can

#source: john mulaney #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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The Guards Themselves as crap my friends have said

Noam: We should genetically modify our bones to be hollow 

Scott: Hair should not be chunky

Lincoln: Sitting is just standing but sitting

Richie: “Which do you like more? Skittles or flaying?

Messier: Oh good! Another thing to shoot!

Katie: *in response to their significant other saying they love them for the first time* ditto

Paul: I don’t think getting attacked by a bear would hurt

Garret Meyer: I’ve already accepted I’m going to hell. At this point I’m just hoping that whatever circle I end up in keeps my feet warm

Artemis Cossling: I’m dying at the hands of aesthetics

Sylvia Crowe: Now is not the time for jazz hands!

Tedd Gunn: If people aren’t smoking weed at my funeral, I will be very disappointed

Jenny: The future is meaningless but the pasta is now

Amicus Curie: But when the relationship is going good, that’s when the swords come out

Emma: In this essay I will *screams*

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Artemis, sighing: Well, murder wasn’t exactly on my agenda today.

Meyer: Murder isn’t usually on anyone’s agenda.

Artemis: No, it’s on mine, just not until next Thursday.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt artemis cossling #tgt garrett meyer #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: Why are you listed as an assassin for hire on the dark web?

Artemis: I can expla- wait, why are you looking for assassins on the dark web?

Meyer: They’re hard to find on google.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Richie: Welcome to Democracy, where we bring the freedom to you.

Meyer: That’s a flamethrower.

Richie: You mispronounced freedomthrower.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt richie #tgt garrett meyer #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: You’re late.

Artemis: Don't even start, I wasn't even going to come.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: Artemis is at that very special age where he only has one thing on his mind.

Sylvia: Money?

Meyer: Homicide.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: You can’t possibly be this stupid.

Scott: Don’t underestimate me.

#source: deadpool #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt scott #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Tedd: I agree with Meyer.

Meyer: Shut up, Tedd. You agreeing with me makes me question if I’m even right.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt tedd gunn #tgt garrett meyer #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: The gods literally condemned you to die, how are you still alive?

Messier: Bold of you to assume that any god is stronger than my spite.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt messier #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: You’re pretty stupid.

Scott: Thanks!

Meyer: …Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you.

Scott: All I heard was “You’re pretty” and I’m focusing on the positives in life.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt scott #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Every TGT character as an Onion headline

Noam: Area man expected to work with these incompetents Scott: Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who gives a shit about rich luxurious hair Lincoln: Protest march passing right outside close enough for man to say he participated Richie: Fire hot Messier: FBI psychological profilers say ritualistic murders suggest serial killer totally bananas Paul: Somebody’s got to save this country from certain doom and let’s face it, that person is me Amicus: Woman knows exactly which knife she’d grab out of cutlery drawer in event of home invasion Katie: Woman’s guilty pleasure just sitting on couch with pint of ice cream and watching man shackled to radiator plead for mercy Meyer: Officer points is to unarmed white man he once killed to prove he’s not racist Artemis: Man withholding judgement on shooting until hearing gun’s side of story Sylvia: Annoying coworker insists on existing right in visual range Jenny: Sight of coworker’s fucking face endured yet again Tedd: Bro, you’re a god among bros Emma: Totally hot chick also way psycho Meyer’s Assistant: Employee wishes she had enough job security to voice opinion News Anchor: ‘No way to prevent this’ says only nation where this happens regularly Shawn: Area man pronounced dead on the inside Harold: It’s kind of sweet CEO thinks he doing good job All of them: Entire precinct Made up of loose cannons

#source: the onion #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt noam #tgt scott #tgt lincoln #tgt richie #tgt messier #tgt katie #tgt paul #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #tgt sylvia crowe #tgt tedd gunn #tgt jenny #tgt amicus curiae #tgt emma #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #submission #submitted by lucy

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Meyer: What’s a way to be nice to people?

Artemis: Not killing them?

Meyer: Setting the bar low, but I’ll allow it.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt artemis cossling #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Artemis: Someone offered me grapes but I had to decline.

Meyer: Why?

Artemis: I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt artemis cossling #tgt garrett meyer #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis

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Meyer: I have the media. I have the army. I have the government!

Noam: I have six kids with weapons and a problem with authority.

#source: unknown #tgt #the guards themselves #tgt garrett meyer #tgt noam #incorrect quotes #incorrect tgt quotes #admin artemis