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head in the clouds

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My dearest Bambi,

My darling little love... It has been a little over 24 hours since I said goodbye and there are so many things that I’m still feeling and trying to deal with...

Boba is so curious and involved with everything I do… It feels like he is trying to fill your place of being next to me constantly. I’m not upset about it, I know he needs me too… You were such a little light and joy to my life and I’m sure his. Of course, he can’t possibly understand or comprehend anything besides you’re gone. You can never be replaced, my little angel.

I wanted to write to thank you… You were such a blessing that I didn’t know I needed and you have been and will be sorely missed. When I was going through the loss of Buggsy, I just felt an empty hollow space where she had been for so long. Quickly after adopting you, you made a new place in my heart and filled me with such joy and happiness. I don’t know how it was that you attached yourself to me so willingly and so devotedly, but I will be forever grateful.

You were exactly what I needed when going through so many different things in these past couple months. I didn’t realize how much I had gone through until reflecting on how much your love has helped me cope… After Buggsy passed, you were the breath of fresh air and new light in my life. When I was struggling with the abuse and contemplating leaving Shane, you were the love I felt I never would have. When I tried my best to advance in my career, you were the comfort late at night while I studied and stressed and planned. When I finally broke it off with Shane, you were my joy through the mess that had become my life. When I was promoted and moved to a new store, you were the constant and reassurance that I was still me… and even when you were diagnosed and our time was put on a countdown, your presence and unconditional love was enough.

My angel… Your personality and whole being oozed sweetness. In your last moments of consciousness, when we were waiting for the vet, you were scared but still your sweet self… mewing and nudging against me, as if asking me if I was the one who was okay. I will never understand how it was that your love was so unconditional. I will never know what I did to deserve your love, but know I am so so so grateful.

And now in this time of hurt and change, I wish you were here to be with me. When I finally realized how much I relied on your reassurance that everything is okay… you’re the change I’m struggling with.

I know your pain was slowly deteriorating you, and that your end would have come soon if I didn’t make the decision to help you peacefully pass on. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to do anything to help you feel better. I’m so sorry that all I could do was give you all my love and affection… I wish that our time was longer and that I could’ve eased your pain another way. In the short time that we were together, you have left such an impression on my soul and my heart. I will always be longing for the affection and love that you gave to me. I will always be searching for something that even slightly resembles the way I felt about you.

I miss everything about you… but what I miss most is your purrs and meows. The apartment feels so empty and quiet without your constant purrs in my ear and your meows to keep me company. It hurts so much to be here without you and I can’t do anything but feel that time will move on with or without me. I feel so lost and depressed and joyless. I miss you so much. I feel so helpless.

I know you’re in a better place, without pain and suffering. You no longer have to feel pain and you can finally rest. It was so reassuring to see your body no longer struggling and fighting just to function. I don’t think I really fully realized how hard you were fighting until you were peacefully sleeping in my arms. I feel guilty that I let you suffer for so long. I feel guilty for wanting to hold you longer. I feel guilty for not being able to take care of you like you took care of me. I’m so sorry, my little love.

And now I feel alone. I am forced to go back to normal and face the day as if you were never here. Time goes on and I still have to be an adult and do everything as I normally do. The constant in my life is missing, yet I still have to push forward.

I feel moody and emotional and like no one understands. I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need and that’s because no one took care of me like you. I feel pissed off and pushed to my limits and like I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to listen.

I miss you, little one. And the only thing I can say now is…

I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. So very much that it hurts. The pain in my chest has not been eased. I miss you and your fur and your meows. I miss your snuggles, and waking up to you. I miss your sassy demands and your sweet nudges. I can only promise that I try to move forward. I promise to keep pushing forward and do my best to heal from this. I will never forget you, my girl.

  Rest peacefully.

I love you.

#bambi #loss #death #grief #dear diary #a letter to loss

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On the tip of my tongue

And at the forefront of my mind

Words I want to say

You’re the best

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I feel so broken

What did I do to deserve

This kind of pain and heartbreak

Just when I felt that I was healing

I have to go through this pain again

In a way it feels

Just like the pain never left

And I’m becoming numb to good emotion

My little angel

Who helped me heal

Is now leaving too

I don’t understand

This isn’t fair

And there’s nothing I can do

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Friendship

Henry David Thoreau

I think awhile of Love, and while I think,

Love is to me a world,

Sole meat and sweetest drink,

And close connecting link

Tween heaven and earth.

I only know it is, not how or why,

My greatest happiness;

However hard I try,

Not if I were to die,

Can I explain.

I fain would ask my friend how it can be,

But when the time arrives,

Then Love is more lovely

Than anything to me,

And so I'm dumb.

For if the truth were known, Love cannot speak,

But only thinks and does;

Though surely out 'twill leak

Without the help of Greek,

Or any tongue.

A man may love the truth and practise it,

Beauty he may admire,

And goodness not omit,

As much as may befit

To reverence.

But only when these three together meet,

As they always incline,

And make one soul the seat,

And favorite retreat,

Of loveliness;

When under kindred shape, like loves and hates

And a kindred nature,

Proclaim us to be mates,

Exposed to equal fates

Eternally;

And each may other help, and service do,

Drawing Love's bands more tight,

Service he ne'er shall rue

While one and one make two,

And two are one;

In such case only doth man fully prove

Fully as man can do,

What power there is in Love

His inmost soul to move

Resistlessly.

Two sturdy oaks I mean, which side by side,

Withstand the winter's storm,

And spite of wind and tide,

Grow up the meadow's pride,

For both are strong

Above they barely touch, but undermined

Down to their deepest source,

Admiring you shall find

Their roots are intertwined

Insep'rably.

#poetry #history #henry david thoreau #poet #friendship

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I’m exhausted of

My insecurities haunting

My dreams

His voice and hurtful words

Cloud my weakest moments

Shadows of doubt and distrust

Peak in my mind at the first

Sign of avoidance

I’m sorry

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My head is filled with the buzzing

of constant thought and decision making

Few things here

Slow and quiet the chaos into a lull

When I’m with you

I feel the buzzing subside

Into a faint whisper of unimportance

Quiet like the sweet

Whispers of your lips next to mine

And when the buzzing returns

I always miss you

#poetry #current #constant

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these feelings terrify me

these thoughts haunt me

I feel so right but

feel like I’m not deserving

of this understanding or

compassion

feeling broken and caught off guard

so messed up that

I’m wondering what

the motive is behind

all these whispered words

#poetry #tt

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Dear Unknown

Written: March 3, 2010

Posted: May 28, 2019

Dear Unknown,

There’s nothing I can do

To change the way that I feel about you.

Always and forever,

All the way through,

I will never forget about you.

Watching the sunset,

Feeling the breeze,

Sitting next to you with such ease.

I’m always left to wonder what was going through our minds

During those moments.

Together forever?

Maybe not,

But I know in my mind,

There will always be those moments that last forever

#unknown #letters unsent #unsent letters #history #poetry

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Blankness

Written: March 28, 2011

Posted: May 28, 2019

I remember a time when the words

Would flow through my mind,

Down to my finger tips,

And create themselves on the screen.

It seems like now a days,

I’ve lost

My inspiration

My muse

My sense of making feelings known.

I wonder where they’ve gone,

Those thoughts and emotions.

I feel dull and blank,

Like I’m walking through a dream of nothingness.

I wish I was numb too, however.

Because no matter how far I walk in this dream,

People, places, emotions, and thoughts

Are constantly be thrown out to me.

I think that I’ve lost some part of me along

This blankness.

Or…

I’ve become part of the blankness.

And I cant seem to find the way back to the way things used to be.

#blank #teenage angst #history

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Alone & Asleep

Written: November 3, 2010

Posted: May 28, 2019

Alone and asleep,

The little child cries.

Alone and asleep,

With no one to say goodnight.

Alone and asleep,

Your love seems to have died.

Alone and asleep,

He dreams of terror and fright.

Alone and asleep,

Nothing ever seems right.

Alone and asleep,

This is not a good night.

Alone and asleep,

Nothing left.

Alone and asleep,

#alone #asleep #poetry #teenage angst #history

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May 27 (28th) 2019

I miss the way I used to write. 

So here’s a history.

And maybe something a little current too....

dated.

#may27