mawkabre

[mawkabre]

me: *overthinks, tortures myself with responsibility, etc*

them: *makes a decision every day about interacting w/ me*

me: ... but it's my fault right

#a relationship needs more than one person. #more than one person vague-ing bc they have so many feelings.

[mawkabre]

am i being unfair? and to whom? bc i could also argue that not doing something is unfair to myself. or that my standards are too high? that i'm demanding? idk i have to look out for me i guess. it's really the only option? i cant be objective about myself and yeah i still feel immense love BUT i think i have. done enough. and dont have to feel guilty about it.

#trying to leave changed?lost? relationships behind in 2019

[mawkabre]

i don't think i should go back. it won't be different this time

[mawkabre]

idk how to get closure for this one specific part

[mawkabre]

well that's probably depression

[mawkabre]

"just talk to your friends about it"

#let's not even begin to get into all the baggage that entails

[mawkabre]

okay now i guess!

gotta deep cry at some point but no time is opportune…

[mawkabre]

gotta deep cry at some point but no time is opportune...

[mawkabre]

...

#it's ok to cry #it's ok #someday it won't hurt anymore #someday it will be over and i won't remember #jk things are gonna get harder and harder #the family thing is gonna fly off the handle and i will have to deal with it alone #gr8 news! #completely ignorant and common sense-lacking fucking adult can't even hold down an irl friendship #doesn't know shit #is completely helpless #and so pathetic as to not be worth the effort of thinking about #i'm so scared #i'm scared for my family #and i'm scared for me

[mawkabre]

no response is a response

#i want to be done with feeling like this

[mawkabre]

yeah i’m hella bitter about it

#but ! #i guess! #this is as clear a signal as i could hope for #although it would be nice to have someone tell me to fuck off

[mawkabre]

it’s really awkward i guess but honestly i need to do this anyway. move on. accept it.

[mawkabre]

ah..... goodbye then

#see u whenever #i'm gonna try to be done

[mawkabre]

i will never learn i think until i can finally internalize that i don't matter enough can't rely on things i thought i could

maybe it is time to cut my losses and move on

[mawkabre]

maybe it is time to cut my losses and move on

#been thinking abt it for years... #hard to not assign blame to anyone but it just isn't working #i don't think it's anyone's fault really..... #it's also not mine #i guess #i have to trust what others say and do i suppose...

[mawkabre]

i feel pathetic

#negative #that's the word my dad uses! well! finally! i've fucking risen to your expectations

[mawkabre]

of course i’m reaching out again bc i never learn that people just don’t care and ! better yet! aren’t interested in caring

#negative