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melandrama · 3 months

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mosquito

There's a mosquito bite on my heel That I'll scratch until it bleeds. I can't stop once it feels good, I cater to my needs. I'm begged to stop for my own good, But my nails aren't trimmed, and it feels hardly blunt. I could catch a bus into a foreign town, Just to feel a caring slap on my inflamed wrist.

#July 2021 #July #2021 #poetry #free verse #melandrama

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melandrama · 3 months

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I'm not sure how to feel about you.

The way you make my lips bleed, Bites from the flesh of my lower lip, Hot crimson spilling over my chin

My rage spills over and my body heats up, A dizzy delirium behind my eyes, across my skin

My teeth are sticky with sugar, Crystals of caramel crunched between them like a hopeless addiction to what could’ve-might’ve been

That never will be.

A debilitating buzz at the back of my mind- Begging, aching to be plucked from the forefront

You flourish, and my my hand falls from where you’re involuntarily, unconsciously drawn in the margins, Dotted with hearts like the scrawlings of a crazy person

I feel insane.

I’ve felt it before, the tell tale signs, A pressure in my chest and a self-serving self-sacrificial spree

Not hatred, but love; Not love, but infatuation; Not infatuation, but obsession; A clawing rot at the forefront of my priorities

I don’t know who I am, if not for you.

But not you, her; All flesh and blood, tangible beneath my fingers The eager splintering of a control bar strung over my core-irreplaceable

The intimacy of it twists, spoils; But not with you, your gloves omnipresent Gold burning crescent rays into the backs of my eyes- The organ chortling in the distance

We’re the same, you and I.

I suppose it’s good, then That you can’t tell me what to do No more than any other soul Slipping themselves into a nose-bloodied figment

The idea of a you that isn’t (enter stage left), And the clockwork tick of mechanisms ratcheting round and round and round and round and round and round and round

I hate to love you; I love to hate you.

#February 4 2024 #February 2024 #February #2023 #poetry #free verse #melandrama #work i'm particularly proud of

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melandrama · 6 months

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Is it normal to feel this way?

My life flickers in and out of meaning. I’m myself, but I’m not me at all- in passing waves my memories, my interests, my relationships mean nothing.

I get trapped in the mirror, in eyes that aren’t mine.

They don’t feel wrong, in fact they don’t feel real at all, it’s like I’ve been dropped into someone else’s life, puppeting a character. She’s attractive, she’s interesting, she cares about these people, they care about her.

Her eyes are hypnotic, and I can’t tear myself away. Hours and hours of brushing my hair, her hair, why is it permed? Why? I understand her motivations in the same way I do a character from a piece of media.

Am I doing anything because I like it? Have I ever felt human connection outside of on and off obsession? She likes these characters; she likes this music. It feels like I’m watching another person’s life; I’m shocked into my existence from time to time to time. Ah, I exist, and this is me, and this is my life I'm reminded- like a poor cutscene recap upon relaunch after relaunch of a game.

Every past trauma, every gross event, every mistake- it's like they don’t belong to me. I’m apathetic. I’m apathetic, but my feelings are intact, like the feelings belong to me and the experiences don’t.

My body isn’t mine. I don’t feel like i'm female. I don’t feel like I’d rather feel be male. I’m completely apathetic to the whole thing. It feels wrong, but it feels like there’s no solution. I don’t feel human, but I don’t feel like something else, or that I’d rather be something else, or that anything is even Wrong just that it isn’t mine.

I remind myself when I think of my family of who they are and what they mean to me. I’m terrified none of this exists and that I’m upsetting reality for it- that realizing this will cause my dog’s neck to snap at me, to attack me in the way only something eldritch can. That I’m entertaining something much greater than I can ever understand.

My life is interesting. My past is interesting. This only serves to make it all feel more uncanny. I’m scared of nothing. I need to go to sleep, I think, but I'm scared of the dark. I'm getting way too paranoid. I'll wake up and be normal again. I'll be me again. Am I not me? I feel like myself is typing this, but then it's as though a great camera has panned out and I'm in fact not me, and this is a scene which I, ever the fool, am unwillingly starring in. Every piece of media I consume is a meta joke for the overall one- isn't it meta to mention this? A parody of a parody of a parody

I'm beyond exhausted, I think

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melandrama · 9 months

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Idk how to

do it but I'll bs it

until it looks right

#August 2 2023 #August #2023 #August 2023 #poetry #melandrama #haiku #haiku poetry #haiku poem #original haiku

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melandrama · 10 months

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i truly do not fret over my own aging, nor the issue of my inevitable death. the passage of time scares me, keeps me up at night, not for myself, but for others. my family will all die before me. my pets. my friends will come and go. life is beautiful in its constant offering of new faces and new experiences, but i'm too sentimental to accept it. my walls are plastered in every little bit of everyone i've ever known, even little scraps of paper. my memory is gone in places and i'm terrified i'll lose places, people, and memories that mean the world to me. i'm afraid i'll end up a hoarder. i don't want to be one. there's a fine line between comfy maximalist surroundings and an unhealthy obsession with not giving up the past.

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melandrama · 11 months

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frigid hair on burnt skin tear-stained mitts pick at chapped lips like a swarm of heat waves and a chilly breeze over sunshine isles

you burn your name into april may june may's skies

#May 23 2023 #May #2023 #May 2023 #poetry #free verse #melandrama

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melandrama · 1 year

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i want to talk i always want to talk. i miss you

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melandrama · 1 year