mychaoticdiary

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 25th (but actually 26st), 2021

Dear Diary,

Everything worked out with the landlord, the ass kissing worked and I got the closest thing to an apology from her I’ll ever get which was ‘but even in these trying times we get frustrated’ which translates to a ‘I overreacted’ which like I said is the best I’ll get.  Talking to my therapist helped, she wanted to try a more focused session and we talked about how getting stuck in anger is often a loop and happens more often when we’re tired or lack energy and the reason we can’t get it back is because the energy we make is burned up by being angry. And it’s incredibly true. She also hit on the fact she thought I was right to be upset and angry and that it’s not that those emotions aren’t important but it’s important at a point to accept that you’ve done what you can and now you need to try and let go of that emotion. She also hit on doing physical things because no matter how distracted you make yourself with movies, music or hobbies eventually your mind will wander back and that often times physically getting it out can help. So I’m gonna try it.  Talking to one of my friends about a Sci-fi comic idea has been fun, I love sci-fi, I love space and the ever expanding limitless horizon. We decided on an almost Western style Sci-Fi. My love letter to Firefly will be in the details.  This friend is also finally having some luck an apartment and job are on their way to her, my fingers are crossed and my heart is hopeful.  I have to borrow 200 for rent, I’m determined to pay it on time after that issue with the Landlord and the person I thought I’d be able to borrow it from gave me the bullshit excuse that because of the lockdown they can’t. I wanna be clear, I know people are struggling with money through lockdown but her? I know her pockets are deep as she takes advantage of everyone she can to cut corners and grow her wealth.  Luckily my best friend agreed to lend me the money, it’s a relief.  I ended up renting Prometheus on Youtube and that process was surprisingly painless. The movie? So-so. It had some interesting ideas, some actors clearly giving it their best to spite the script and some generally cool space stuff. The plot should be a good one but it’s...just...meh, I don’t feel the drama I think I’m supposed to feel. However oogling Michael Fassbender helped the end result and it was good enough I’ll likely watch Alien Covenant.  I just got done cutting my hair...again. I really wanna go for that Queenie look from Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them and I think I’ve managed. I’ll have to see in the morning, the back is always so hard considering I don’t really have a mirror to check with but I think I did good and if not curly hair is a gift that hides many sins.  To spite missing many days this is a pretty short journal entry but I’m just not focused enough to write more but I wanted to write some stuff that happened so I can look back.  So here’s looking at you, kid. 

#Dear Diary #diary entry #my diary #january 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 21st, 2021

Dear Diary,

I mean to write in you more but even on my good days I find myself unfocused and unable, I’m merely writing in you now in hopes some day I’ll look back on this and be unable to imagine how horrible I’m feeling.  On the 18th I decided to face some of my biggest anxieties and call the school I’d like to go to, explain to my OW worker what’s been going on in my life and even call my doctor for a referral so I can get some medication for my audio hallucinations and for whatever reason when I finished doing all that I suddenly started to sob. Out of the blue it just happened. I’m still unsure why.  Today was so good until it wasn’t.  Me and my mother went for a wonderful long drive getting lost in a hilarious loop, we were even supposed to get our temporary stove after it’d been cleaned by our Super only it was still filthy and greasy. I didn’t want my mother to have to clean it so I messaged our Landlord asking for it to be professionally cleaned and telling her it makes me uncomfortable because of the possibility of bugs since we had a cockroach infestation for 5 years. I should’ve known better than to try to stand up for us. I was given an email that infuriated me, saying we were being ridiculous and overly hard to please but since she’s so accommodating she’ll give us 20 dollars off our rent and supplies to clean it ourselves. Oh, and since my language concerned her so much she concerned her paralegal about it. I don’t even know what that means, have I doomed us? Is it my fault something terrible could happen?  I wrote back an incredibly angry but professional email back but erased it all, it would only cause more trouble even if I’m right...so instead I apologized over and over and kissed her feet for helping us during this Lockdown.  I’ve been crying for hours over it, I feel so hopeless, I feel so stupid, I hate everything I do. I got upset with my mother and insisted we pay rent on time this month even if it means we have to cut corners because I think I’ll have a mental break if I get a notice of eviction. Our landlord usually doesn’t mind if we split rent up between a few days but I just know she’ll use it against us if we do and I just can’t handle that. I didn’t mean to upset my mother with it but it’s true, we need to pay rent on time.  I feel like an asshole, who am I to tell my mother we need to pay rent on time when I contribute nothing? All I do all day long is write stories, desperate to escape my own head and this life. I wonder if I’d be better on dead some days. It feels like it’d be easier and I find myself more and more often thinking about that option. I just want to lay down and die. I’m so emotionally exhausted.  I feel like we’ll forever be stuck at the bottom of the barrel, like we’ll never catch a break, we’ll always just be on our hands and knees scraping to get by.  Writing this it feels like my head is starting to split. It’s not all the way yet but it feels like the crack is forming that will soon tear down my face and open my skull up. My stomach feels like I’ve eaten rocks.  On the plus side Michael Fassbender is hot, I’ll probably write some stories with his characters so I don’t feel so trapped. Isn’t that pathetic? Or are we just taught it’s pathetic? Either way I’m gonna do it and I don’t have it in me to ponder what we’re taught. 

#dear diary #diary entry #january 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 10th, 2021

Dear Diary,

So I’ve already done a bad job at writing every day, didn’t even make it a full week. Sick. Love that. Fucking Christ.  My days have blurred together, my poor dear friend has gotten into a car accident and while she’s not currently hurt I worry as much as I can but...I feel like I’ve hit an emotional wall. Not in the way where I can only feel one emotion but in the way where I can see emotions building a wall around me but they haven’t yet touched me so I can see sorrow but I don’t feel it, I can see anger but I can’t embrace it. It’s odd to say in the least.  Today I celebrated my birthday with my mom, it’s the day before but she’s got today off so we celebrated today. We got things together and made brownies from scratch apparently Tasty says it’s The Best Brownies I’ll Ever Have, they’re okay, I like them well enough, they aren’t revolutionary but tasty enough. But maybe they would be if I could find flakey salt but I’ve been to 3 stores and not a single one of them has flakey salt. Fuck.  We made them before we go to pick up my pizza from the place my best friend works at. We see around 5 ambulances on the way, none of them doing much, one even pulls into a long fast food lineup, hope someone doesn’t die because they needed to get a Big Mac.  I did my makeup inspired by a instagramer called Meicrosoft, it’s a bright lavender butterfly eye, it’s very fun and the first makeup I’ve done in about a month.  It’s nice to see my friend, she’s thankful for the brownies, she always covers my dipping sauce because I always forget to order them but she knows I like them. She’s good to me like that. I can’t remember our exact conversation but we have a good giggle over ‘Exotic Butters’ from Markipliers FNAF video, God that video is old now isn’t it? I remember when it came out.  The pizza smells so good me and my mom end up pulling into a parking lot and having a slice or two before taking the long way home.  We aren’t there long as I decide to also go give some of my brownies to my other good friend, the drive is quick, she doesn’t live far. I drop them off on her porch and walk away, her family waves at me from the window and I wave back from across the street. I think they want me to leave before they feel safe to get the brownies but I want to make sure they get them so I stay and eventually they get them. We drive off and I receive a text ‘Holy Fuck, these are so good’ Maybe these are better than okay.  I get an email from Amazon, they have suspended my account for ‘suspicious activity’ and cancelled all transactions. Looks like my plan to take the underground by storm with one milk frother and a plant light has been dashed. I tell my friend because I want to make sure she gets her money back but only manage to make her lose more money, I feel like hot trash or at least I know I should but I can’t even experience that fully.  The rest of the day is spent relaxing, my mom really likes the brownies and ends up making herself a little sick on the sugar, she’s been farting for hours, it’s insane if not a little funny.  I saw myself in the mirror and noticed how nice one strand of hair looked in front of my face and wondered if it would look better if the hair around it was shorter to highlight that. I take the razor and start cutting my hair with no signs of stopping. I stand before another emotional wall. I know this isn’t just me cutting my hair, I know there’s a reason why but my mind denies me entry to the feelings that will tell me why. I feel little to nothing as I chop my hair. It takes a little less than 40 minutes to get done with it and it’s by no means bad, it reminds me of Queenies hair from Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. I take a shower and the noise wakes my mom, we talk and she asks why I’m taking a shower so late and I tell her the entire truth, I tell her about my emotional wall and that I’ve cut my hair. She’s not upset and she’s not sure of what advice to give me besides the fact she loves me and that advice is good enough for me.  We ended up watching Kubo before she headed to bed, it’s a good movie and funny enough it makes me cry. That’s what makes me cry? Alright emotions, sure I guess.  I’m ending my night listening to a Corpse Husband livestream, a Drunk Among Us lobby and I’ve come to the conclusion that anyone who had a crush on Billy Loomis from Scream probably likes Corpse’s music. That’s my hottake of the night. 

#dear diary #diary #diary entry #January 2021 #fuck amazon

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 7th, 2021

Dear Diary, 

Another day, another edible and I’m very tired so I don’t know how accurate I’ll be but future me you better be thankful, you fuck.  When I’m woken up I can’t remember what day it is, what’s happening and I’m reminded. Today’s the day we surrender Cali. I wish I never woke up.  There’s about an hour before it happens and she’ll be gone out of our lives forever...I don’t cry but I certainly can’t be soothed. Cali is walking around and I stop to pat her for a few minutes, I don’t think she’ll remember me in a few days but today is gonna be hard for her too and I just wanna give her all the love she allows me too.  We put her in the cage and start driving, she’s silent the entire time, no crying like my other cat. I put my fingers through the cage door to try and bring her comfort even if she’s not meowing she might still be scared.  We arrive, we can’t find their number so mom goes up to the front. It takes a while for things to get done. There’s a woman walking one of the dogs around, he’s some sort of shaggy mutt, he’s very cute and looks incredibly friendly as he walks by and I just try to remind myself that maybe he came here like my sweet senior girl and they helped him to become a healthy happy dog again. I have to believe that.  Suddenly it’s all happening at once, I get out of the car and drop off the cage, because of Covid they’ll take her in and put her in a room and then bring back the cage...the goodbye feels so quick.  The air out here smells awful like sulfur. It’s in the middle of factory land because it’s cheap here but the smell of rotten eggs is so bad it hurts my asthma or maybe that was my approaching panic attack. I couldn’t tell you.  We get in the car and pull away...my mom is silent, she can’t talk or she’s afraid she’ll cry. I try to hold back my tears for her sake, I point out dumb things like: That’s a nice yellow car, that’s a nice house, what an ugly dude in that car, can you believe that idiot driver? Eventually it works, we’re both talking as we got on a long drive. It’s a nice drive, a couple of hours, it helps both our heads. I keep playing Melancholy Kaleidoscope by All Time Low over and over it’s just a song that seems to soothe me right now, my mom doesn’t mind. When we get back we decide to clean under the bed where my sweet senior girl liked to spend a lot of her time. It’s filthy, there’s so much stuff underneath here that we’ve kept for years. We throw out almost all of it and deep clean the floors, it feels good to be productive.  My mom leaves so I can have some privacy for my therapy appointment, eventually she calls and I almost wish I was as emotionally distraught as I have been all week as I tell her everything that’s happened but I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I almost feel robbed of my emotions at the moment, I know I have them but someone inside is holding them hostage and won’t let me talk to them. My therapist mainly lets out soft ‘yeahs’ a lot, she mainly listens, offering sparing advice here or there, she validates how I feel and tries to expand on my emotions for me. She says I should check out The Artist Way by Julia Cameron and Why We Sleep by Mathew Walker, she often gives me books to read and I mean too read them but I haven’t read any yet. Maybe this year I will, maybe this year I won’t, I’m not sure.  I tell her about my audio hallucinations and ask if she knows where I should go to help with that, she points me in the right direction but I know she has to be careful with her words for legal reasons.  When we finish the phone call I find my mom outside cleaning out the back of the van, I help her finish. We come inside and I decide it’s time to put together the shelf we’ve had for nearly 3 years now as it’s the only thing left under her bed and so we do. We’re proud and I decide there’s no time like the present to fill it. I go to the next daunting task: cleaning out our massive collection of DVD’s. I don’t have OCD but I like my movies to be organized by genre and series. It takes me 2 hours to do but I manage to whittle down our collection to fit on the shelf and I feel very proud, my mom is too. We throw everything we don’t need out. Now there’s nothing to do and to spite the fact my body is tired my mind is restless, it’s still restless. I pace in the house going back and forth between my room and my moms, not really saying much but saying something every time I go into the room. I decide to get the DVD player for her going too, might as well right? It’s what she’s currently watching and I feel good that she can just relax with some movies now.  And here we are. I popped an edible before this post about an hour ago and it’s taken it’s effect enough. My sweet girl is laying down beside me after a big play time, she’s eaten 5 tablespoons of food today and gone to the bathroom. I’m happy she’s okay and just hope things will stay that way.  I know to spite the fact it’s not a mental choice my mind has done distraction after distraction in reaction of what’s happened today. The emotions of surrendering my sweet senior girl have not yet fully hit me and I know it...I’m scared for when it will but I know I can’t run from grief, I must simply let it happen.  My friend’s have messaged me online but all day I just haven’t been able to open any of it, I know I should, I don’t want them to feel like I’m abandoning them but I just don’t think I could take a single ‘sorry’ right now. I’ll have to get back to them tomorrow and just hope they understand.  It’s early but I’m heading to bed after writing this or if I’m honest probably in an hour.  I don’t have the mental capacity at the moment to check this for grammar and mistakes so figure it out future me. 

#diary #diary entry #my diary #January 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 6th, 2021

Dear Diary,

I’ve taken an edible so I can’t remember what happened first thing this morning. But my sweet senior girl looks worse than ever, her eyes are sunk in, she can’t stand for long, her meows get the attention of my other cat even though they never had in the past...I think she’s crying for help. My mom comes to me to tell me what I already know, we need to put her down. I agree, it breaks my heart. She calls the vet to get an exact quote on how much it’ll cost we were told around $200 the other night by the vet but now we’re greeted with a new number $446. My stomach falls, that’s just too high. We decline and we both just try not to cry. We call around all the quotes are $350 and up, it would leave us with no money for my other cat in case she also needs to be put down. What a nightmare. We call the Humane Society where we adopted her and just hope maybe they’ll have an answer on where to go, it turns out they do what they call ‘End Of Life Services’ it’s only $50 and we could get her ashes and a paw print for $150, it’s a life saver.  How Ironic. I still hate Alanis Morissette. But they offer something else they hear our story out and offer instead for us to surrender her, they have a vet on board that can give her all the treatment she needs, they’ve got staff to keep her company, they’ve got everything. But everything that’s too good to be true has a catch. We don’t get to know what happens, we surrender her and sign a contract that says we won’t attempt to seek her out in the future and we understand that we can never adopt her again. We both cry as we agree.  We both feel like failures but we know it’s the best option for our sweet senior girl, she could still have a few more years of life in her if she receives the right treatment, she could turn back into that happy purr machine I love so much...but I’ll never know. I’ll never be allowed to know. A selfish part of me wants her to just end with me so I can know but I shove that ugly part deep, deep down. She deserves a life if she can get one...even if I’m not in it.  It happens tomorrow, we can’t chance waiting too much longer even till tomorrow seems risky.  Me and my mom talk in circles, repeating the same words: This is the right thing to do. We’re making the right choice. This is the best option.  It seems like we’re hoping if we say it enough we can beat down the ugly part of our minds that tell us we’re failures.  She heads to work early, she needs to distract herself, I wish I had a job to do that with.  Me and my friend talk, today seems to be filled with circles. We say the same things to each other: Sorry I can’t do anything to help. I love you. Your feelings are valid. I’m here no matter what. I love you.  We both cry, we’re both so emotionally high strung, our minds can’t form any more words but we’re there for each other and we know it. We’ll make it. We always do. We have too. My good friend messages me, she’s had enough of heart break from her best friend of over a decade, she’s done with feeling ignored and pushed aside, she sends me what she wants to send her and asks me what I think. It’s angry and I see a lot of my own anger I’ve got at my own best friend in her words. It’s solid, it’s honest, it’s angry but it’s fair so I tell her to remove the swear words so her friend can’t write her off as ‘overly emotional’ and send it, she thanks me and does.  My best friend messages me, she’s ready for the phone call that’ll explain everything that’s been happening. Part of me wants to say to her what my other friend has said to her best friend, I’m ready to be angry...but I just don’t want to be, I don’t want that to be us. I call her and it starts clunky, there’s tears as I explain what’s going on and I offer her a chance to say goodbye to my sweet senior cat. She helped take care of her when I worked nights, she’d come and feed her, play with her, it only seems fair though I mainly expect to hear a ‘no’ she says ‘I’m on my way’ and it feels like the best friend I once knew.  I decide to shower, I smell and this is a good a reason as any to actually do something about that. I get in and start it only to hear a tiny thunk behind me I look over and see my senior cat, she has been in the bathtub recently for reasons unknown, I wonder if she just wants to be close and doesn’t notice that the shower is running but she walks over to the pooling water. Maybe she’s that thirsty? But she doesn’t lick up any water. I don’t want her to get wet and then get cold and get even sicker so I gently coo at her as I lift her up and out of the tub and try to start my shower again. Another soft thunk and she’s right back where she was before so I just watch and she comes back over to the pooling water and to my shock sits down and goes to lay down but I just can’t let her get that wet. I pick her back up and put her back out of the tub, I move the shower curtains to the outside to try and discourage her but it’s to no avail. I have to take her out of the bathroom and close the door, my heart breaks as I listen to her cry outside of the bathroom she just doesn’t understand but none of my soap is pet friendly and I just don’t want her to get any more hurt than she already is. The second I open the door back up she’s back in the tub, I lay down a towel and let her be, if it makes her content and comfortable I don’t want to argue with it. My best friend arrives, sometimes I forget she has a key to my apartment. Again the hello is a little clunky, we’re both a little off. But it’s good to see her none the less. We talk about the obvious and a mirage of sorry’s leave her mouth. I tell her about my friend and how she feels about her best friend, I open up and instead of approaching it angrily I simply tell her that I feel like we’re been drifting apart like that and I desperately don’t ever want to feel that way, I don’t ever want to write her an angry letter saying my heart is broken because of her and I don’t want her to write me one either. For the first time in months we open up. Both of us have been bottling things up this past year, trying not to bother the other, trying to keep things light during a heavy year. We talk about how the past month has just beaten us down and sat on us, we’re unable to get up as life laughs like a school yard bully. She had a pregnancy scare, her cyst got so bad she couldn’t go to work, two of her mice suddenly died both unfortunately violently, her boyfriends nana and cousin died days apart from each other, her bank account was empty. In short depression had eaten us both alive but we didn’t want to tell one another because we both just wanted things to be ‘good’ so bad when we saw each other. This talk feels like us. This talk is open and no guards are up. I try to find a speckle of sunshine from the darkness that is my cat leaving, at least it brought this up, at least I don’t have to lose my best friend too. I don’t like saying that but I have to find a positive in all this negative and this is a positive.  Some things are going better for her, she finally got her vacation pay after 3 years, I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s been ripped off and it wouldn’t serve a purpose so I tell her I’m just glad she got it instead of scrutinizing the amount. She says it’s okay to ask for money if I need and I ask for a $100, she’s my best friend and money has never been weird between us, she knows I’d never ask for that much if I didn’t feel like I needed it. There’s no guilt she just agrees.  She brought some art supplies for us to play with, it’s water colour brush pens. I’ve never been good at water colours but I love watching her, I make sure to shower her in praise, art should always be praised. I give it a shot after she encourages me. It’s fun and for once this is exactly what I want, this is how water colouring should be. I draw a jellyfish, a bumble bee and a koi fish. I’m going to buy myself this and I let her know, I don’t want to lie to her about where her money might go. She’s happy I like it so much and is okay with seeing her money go somewhere that makes me happy.  The visit is good, surprisingly light hearted even with the important talks, nothing gets heated it’s all just soft sincere words of love. This is what I want for this year and I tell her that, she agrees. We’ll work together on being more open with one another again. She heads home and my chest feels tight, my asthma decides it time to act up even though everything went well. I’d rip out my lungs if I could, I hate my asthma.  The rest of the night is much like the last, my heart breaks watching my senior cat struggle and I have to remind myself I’m making the best choice for her tomorrow. It’s hard to find a way to bond with her when I want to the most right now, she’s distant and usually I’d give her treats to make her happy but right now she can’t eat not even chicken can get her body to try. I settle with pats, her purrs are no longer boisterous and loud but quiet and eventually she leaves to visit her new found love of the bathtub.  My mom gets home late, I know she’s having a hard time but I still try to talk to her to help her unwind she tells me she got so mad at work she threw things and then went on break, I feel horrible, I wish she didn’t feel like she had to bottle it up and I tell her that but it’s just the way she deals with death. It’s hard on her. There’s been so much death lately. Her longtime boyfriend died 3 years ago, our neighbors wife died a few months ago, her niece and my cousin hung herself less than three months ago, her friend had a miscarriage. It’s a lot.  I do the only thing I can and just tell her I love her and that I think her best is more than good enough, I tell her I’m thankful for her. I mention my best friend’s sister gave her edibles to give to me as a sorry for everything that’s happening. I always offer her some but she never has any but tonight she says okay, it’s a small dose only 25 but I bite off 90% of it and give her 10 since she’s not used to it, she’s in bed within minutes. I want to be in bed but I told myself I’d do this so here I am at 2 AM...less then 12 hours away from handing over my sweet senior girl...this sucks but it’s the right thing to do. I realize after talking with my best friend and mom that I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations, I’ve always had them a little bit just when I’m trying to sleep. I sometimes think I heard a band or footsteps but I never paid much attention I just thought it was weird brain activity but the past 4 months have been more intense and this past week has been almost constant. I think I hear my mom call my name, I hear footsteps, I hear my cats meowing, I hear the tinking of their metal bowls, I hear noises beside my bed it always shocks me awake only to find out that the noises were never there. I’m going to ask my therapist if she knows what this is called and if she can point me in the right direction to get medicine for it.  God, so much happens tomorrow...today now...I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know how I’ll react. I don’t feel much typing this but a small sinking feeling in my chest. Maybe I’ll take another edible.

#my diary #diary entry #diary #January 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 5th, 2021

Dear Diary,

Last night didn’t end well but not for the reasons I thought it wouldn’t. I prepare to tell my best friend the bad news, I give her the option to opt out of the conversation before it starts I text her that it’s very bad news and that if she can’t handle it now I won’t hold it against her, times are hard, there’s death everywhere and I can understand if bad news right now is just too much. She reassures me she’s here for me and wants to talk, so I ask her if we should do a phone call or a facetime and then 30 minutes go by before she texts back, her brother came by for a visit she can’t do a phone call right now. I seethe with anger. Not only is it lockdown from Covid so he shouldn’t be visiting in the first place but her house is large, her brother visits often, as my best friend of a decade I have trouble understanding why can’t just tell her brother to step out for a few minutes so when she says ‘I’m anxious could you just tell me what’s going on?’ I let my anger get the better of me and instead of gently telling her I type out ‘my cats are dying.’ It’s blunter than I’d usually be with her, she cries easily and I know it but I can’t will myself to care. I’ve done nothing but cry. I wish I could be more surprised but I’m not we’ve drifted apart this past year. There was a time where I said I was sick and she walked in a snow storm to see me to give me honey and lemons. There’s been many times we’ve been there for each other like no other but the past year and so that seems to have vanished. I need to do something, anything. I recently watched Julien Solimita make a lentil loaf, I have lentils. I get up and start cooking, cutting up vegetables before they go bad in my fridge. I don’t have onions but I’m crying.  As things cook I see my cat go to the litter in the bathroom, I don’t dare even move to make a noise that might scare her off, the oven is about to hit temperature and beep loudly to let me know, I unplug it before it has a chance. I desperately try to hear something, anything but it’s silent and she leaves. I get ready to be disappointed as I go over to the litter and grab the scooper to check but there’s something in here.  I know I should be happy but my bodies been so dragged down to the ground it takes me an hour before I can even begin to hope that maybe things are going to be okay, during this confusing time I put the lentil loaf together and shove it into the oven.  My sweet girl seems a little better, she wants to play and rolls onto her back to let me tease and pat her tummy. My mom gets home after a long day of work and I tell her that I think she pooped. As the words come out of my mouth they get faster and faster, I’m talking over myself, interrupting my own words to get out about poop.  I have the sudden need to go for a drive, I want fresh air, I want to go get myself a soda from a gas station, I later realize I want my normal routine because my cat pooped and that was normal.  She indulges my need to drive and we go out, I feel like I’m filled with air, not quite emotions but air, I don’t feel extremely happy, I don’t feel extremely sad, I don’t feel numb but I feel full like I’ve taken the deepest breath I can and it stays in my chest.  We talk about the fact this is a good thing but our expectations do need to be reasonable, we’re not out of the woods yet but it’s nice to see a small clearing in them. The talk includes many things, many sad but still I don’t feel sad but I feel like I’m deflating which isn’t bad. It feels like she’s helping me let out the air in my chest, I thank her many times on our drive, I love my mom, she’s the best mom for me.  When we get home I go to bed and for the first time in the New Year I sleep and I sleep in late, until 11 instead of the 6 AM I have been stuck with.  I’m greeted with the news my mom thinks she’s pooped again in the liter, cat poop has never been such good news.  I give the cats food and though I sigh as I don’t see them race to eat it I relax a little as later on my sweet girl takes a few bites, that’s more than before and that’s a start. My senior cat isn’t eating now though so we call the vet and get the same medicine for her as we did for my other cat.  My senior cat is no stranger to medicine, when we first got her she was so sick we had to foster her first just to afford all the medicine she needed so she takes the syringe of antibiotics like a champ.  The day feels good and I feel less angry so I text my best friend back, she’s sent me a few texts about condolences and saying I’m a good cat mom and I’ve been ignoring them. I know she doesn’t mean to be hurtful at all so I swallow my anger down and text her back that we should talk on one of her days off, that she’s my best friend and I love her, we’ll see how this talk goes tomorrow.  Me and my mom are cautiously happy, we both know better than to get ahead of ourselves with happiness, we’ve both had the rug pulled out from under us before, we’re well aware either or both of our cats could die regardless of this turn towards the better. But we both notice the perk in my cats steps as she moves around the house more once again and goes back to her playful ways.  We go for another drive, my period has reared it’s ugly head and I need midol so we stop in a Walmart. We don’t often go shopping due to Covid but this one is in the middle of no where so it’s not very busy. We wander the isles looking for anti rust paint for our van and midol, I stop and look at the yarn section, my mother encourages me to buy some. I don’t think I should, the only money I have is donated for the cats but she tells me I’m allowed to treat myself after things have been so rough and it’s not very expensive so I do. She’s right, it feels nice.  When she heads to work I don’t feel as stuck with doom and gloom as the previous days, I don’t feel like I’m waiting for my cats to drop dead at any minute things just feel normal for a little.  Corpse Husband streams and it’s a nice way to eat up my time, I’m really excited for his song with Machine Gun Kelly, I secretly hope he’ll do something with YungBlud too.  The day continues, I put out another spoonful of food for the cats, they still don’t eat right away but I have to remind myself that one is just starting to get better and the other just started medicine to get better today.  My dear friend who got me gifts yesterday messages me crying, her mother is terrible, she feels jammed into a corner with no escape and I feel horrific over the fact I don’t know how to help. I offer my best advice and it’s not very good. I talk to my mom, to see if she knows anyone but we don’t know anyone where she lives, she’s disgusted at the way my friends mom is treating her. We both just wish there was something we could do. I message my friend again, with maybe my worst best advice to take money from her monstrous mother and run to Austin, I don’t know if it’s good advice but it’s all I can come up with. That and that I love her so dearly, I want her to know I want nothing but the best for her and I’ll always be here but those words feel so tiny next to her problem, still I let her know. She hasn’t messaged me back, all I can do is hope for the best and be ready to talk when she needs. I love her.  I’m writing this at midnight now, my senior cat is struggling not painfully she is struggling. I worry for her because she’s so old. Where she was once my chubbiest dumpling I can see she’s now waning, her frame is getting bony and it has been for a while now. I’d remarked on it last year but since she had such an appetite and a diet approved by a vet I didn’t think much of it but now as she wanders around the house I worry. More than anything she’s changing than from who she normally is, usually if I put my hand down and motion for her she runs across the room to get pats already purring by the time she’s arrived but now a foot from me she merely stares at my outstretched hand. As I write this I try not to get too in my head, she’s sick right now just like my other sweet girl was but we’ve got medicine the way she’s acting right now doesn’t mean she’ll die...she could still make it and I need to remember that. It’s hard to do though.  She’s drinking from my other cats water and I try to be thankful as I dump it out afterwards, trying to stop any cross contamination.  I sit on the toilet and my sweet girl joins me, I now see her poop. It’s official in my mind. My senior cat comes in and sits in the tub, I can only hope that in a few days that the next time she comes in with me too it’s also to poop.  

#My Diary #diary entry #January 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 4th, 2021

Dear Diary, 

My head aches. It feels like it’s splitting in two, like someone has shot me straight through, the sides of my skull throb like they’ve been displaced and I need to press down as hard as I can to stop my head from splitting open.  My mom peeks her head in and the throbbing seems to go down. The breaks are being fixed, that’s good. We’re both up early, it seems like we can’t sleep in if we tried. We talk, watch some Try Guys - Without A Recipe and laugh, for a moment the world turns.  But the tinging of a metal bowl moving brings us back, my sweet girl stares into her bowl, she’s hungry but her body won’t let her eat, the world continues to turn but now I wish it would stop, I wish it would go back.  My other cat isn’t eating now either and the topic we’ve been avoiding since last night comes up, whatever this is it’s contagious and now my sweet senior cat can’t eat either. She stares at her bowl and meows at it, she howls at her treats, she doesn’t understand why her body won’t let her eat food when she loves it so much.  We try and bring them comfort, pay attention to them, mutter soft sorry’s into their fur. They aren’t in pain but they just don’t understand.  We decided we want to try and get their foot prints, we got my dogs from the vet, it’s on a little gold plaque that leans against his jar of ashes. It was expensive and we don’t have the money so we try it ourselves. I know see why it’s expensive. We plan to try again tomorrow with beet root juice, something that can’t hurt them if they lick it. I hope it works, I want it to work.  My mom leaves to get the car and I sit in our quiet apartment, there’s no noise of playing...I think they’re starting to get tired, I think the lack of food in their system is starting to make them reserved. I wish my cat would howl like she usually does, I hate the noise but now I miss it. Ironic. I hate Alanis Morissette.  Hours seem to drag even when my mom gets back, we talk honestly about the options, about the money we have left. We could run more tests and chance not having the money to put them down if they begin to feel pain or we can try and wait this out and make sure if they do become painful we can stop that. The latter is our choice. I can’t let them be in pain. That’s too much pain for such little bodies.  They are so little. Even though their full grown their bodies are just so little. My sweet girls head fits in the palm of my hand, she lets the weight of her face rest against it as I give her tiny nose skritches and chin pets. She gives me tiny kisses, even her tongue is tiny.  My sweet senior cat is a little less tiny but compared to the world she is small, she puts a small paw to my stomach and I lean back dropping my phone and conversation to let her crawl on top and get comfortable for a bit, as she sits on my chest loud purrs make their way out of her tiny mouth and big eyes happily look at me.  For a moment I forget she’s dying and instead it’s just like any day, we’re sitting and I think when she gets off I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t eat the other cats food on the way out...I’d give anything right now to have her steal the other cats food.  My headache is back. A friend reaches out, she’s unable to send money but wants to get me something, she wants to help. I say no because I want her to start a new life and that requires money she tells me yes and now I have two gifts for my birthday. I’m thankful to be wrong.  She tells me to pick whatever I want, I think of the cat trees I’ve been trying to get my cats for months now but reality looms, they probably won’t live to see it and when it arrives all that will sit on it is my grief, still I try to convince myself of maybe’s, maybe they’ll live to see it, maybe it’ll get here in time, I could always take off the carpet and make it a place to put plants. Everyone softly tells me no, my mom, my friend and even myself softly utter no. I’m getting a milk foamer and a plant light, those are things I’ve wanted for a long time. This is good.  I wish good feelings would last. I wish I could feel thankful longer but sadness eats me up with a ravenous hunger I wish my cats had.  My mom asked me to eat some apples before she left, I haven’t had it in me to eat much, I’ve been living on energy drinks, Mr. Noodles and the little bit of alcohol left over from New Years. Everything that makes me feel full without having to eat. But she asked so I get a few from the fridge and I cut them up, I stare at the knife and my hand and wonder if it would hurt worse to to stab myself than my headache does right now. My headache is pulsing it’s way down my neck, my entire face hurts, my skull buzzes like static in my skin. Suddenly I’m crying I don’t know if its from the pain or my mind has broken but I sob and I’m able to stop. My mind is blank and I can barely ask myself what exactly I’m crying about, I can’t make myself stop so I bring my apples and sit and eat them. I think about the scene in End Game where people laughed for Natasha eating a peanut butter sandwich while crying, they said it’s unrealistic. I agree she should’ve been eating apples, clearly.  I don’t know when my sobbing stops but I’ve finished my apples, they were nice. I grab a tissue and brace myself for the pain of blowing your nose when you have a headache but when I blow there’s no pain, my headache is gone. For a moment I’m relieved and I laugh, it makes sense my bodies mad I haven’t eaten any quality food and then my heart drops...do my cats feel like this? I’m crying again.  Dinner time comes and there are two full bowls staring up at me, mocking me. I empty them none the less and get out a can of fresh food, they deserve fresh food, they wait at my feet excited and I even pop in tiny treats to try and encourage them to eat. They rush over to their dishes to eat and my heart breaks to watch their tails fall because they can’t.  I think I figured out how my senior cat got sick...it’s my fault. My senior cat is a vacuum of a cat so to save on pet food whatever my other cat didn’t eat I’d put into her bowl, I just wanted to save a little money on food because of the expensive vet bills and now I might’ve doomed my cat to death. I wonder if the saliva from my other cat that might’ve gotten in when she tried to eat made my other cat sick.  I don’t want to tell my mom, I don’t want her to feel like it’s her fault, this feels awful, she doesn’t deserve to feel awful.  I find myself sitting next to myself having a conversation with friends. I’m telling my estranged sister about makeup, I’m joking with my good friend but the words don’t feel like they’ve come from my mouth, they’re my words but I haven’t said them, it’s my voice but I’m not making the noises.  My mom called my best friend earlier to tell her to text me, she doesn’t know what’s been going on, we’re going to have a call soon...I don’t know if she’ll really be talking to me.  I feel like I’m playing a waiting game with Death, they look at me and they tell me their coming but they won’t give me the time, they tell me they have a key to my door so no lock will stop them. I know I can’t bargain but I beg, please don’t make it hurt, they’re too little to hurt like that. I think I wanna die. Man, is my therapist gonna have a bag of Hell to deal with when she gets back from vacation. 

#disociation #dear diary #diary entry #diary #January 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 3rd, 2021

Dear Diary,

The trip to the vet was pretty fruitless. He didn’t have many answers since we couldn’t afford any tests. He gave us some antibiotics that I’ve gotta give to my cat morning and night. It smells exactly like the banana medicine I had as a kid, if it wasn’t for the fact it could save her life, I’d taste it. She takes it well, she’s never thrilled but she doesn’t hiss or claw she just slinks away for a minute or two.  We needed blood tests, $254 dollars worth to be exact. I have no money in my account. I never have money in my account anymore. My mom’s money? It’s low and what’s left needs to be put to the squealing breaks she’s getting tomorrow. I borrowed that money from my friend for her.  I am bitter.  When she gets home from the vet with no blood tests but useless medication we don’t fight but we’re not happy with each other. I’m not happy she chose to spend the money there instead of saving it to put towards blood tests, she’s not happy with me for being upset with her when she’s just trying her best. She leaves to go for a drive. I sleep and cry. When she gets back the house is quiet. I don’t mean to be upset, I just feel lost, like I’m on a street with no lamps at night. I say I’m sorry and that I love her, the lamps on the street flicker, she’s sorry too and she loves me too. We go for a drive on the street with flickering lights, hoping they’ll somehow stay on.  I put a post on my social media, swallowing my pride because my pride can’t help my cat, what I’ve been taught all my life about asking for help can’t save my cat. Money can save my cat. I tell everyone that my pride is sore but I need to help my kitty, I say to call it belated Christmas money, maybe early birthday money, charity if they want, I just need them to quantify it enough to give me some.  The street I was in has lights that now float by, they shed light long enough for me to get to the next block. I’ve got donations. From my best friend, not the one I’ve had for a decade but the one that I’ve had for 4 years, she gives me what she can, she’s the same one who gave me money for breaks, she’s not rich but she’s a good soul.  The next from my estranged eldest sister, someone I haven’t talked to in 5 years, someone I once idolized, someone that once said I needed to be put into a mental ward, said I needed to be put in prison to save me from myself, she called me a yellowing human being. I stare at her message, she’s asking how much I need offering to pay for all of it and my pride tells me not to answer but the cat beside me continues to purr and I shove aside my pride. I now have more money. We talk, it’s light, it’s around the edges of our past, small talk about how we’ve been. Once we’re vaccinated we’ve planned a picnic lunch. I don’t know how I feel, it’s like after eating too much starch.  People I haven’t talked to since high school pitch in five dollars here and there along with apologies, I’m reminded I once had the money to buy these classmates lunches.  People I’ve worked with come in next, people I’ve glamourized for photoshoots and photographers. We’re all struggling for work and they apologize for the amount. I’m reminded that I’m a good worker and I’m good at what I do, good enough that even when struggling others offer because I once did the same, because I work hard and do extra work at shoots, because I stay behind to clean, because I’ll help with shots. I am good. We make an appointment for Blood work in 6 hours. Time stretches, grains of sand refuse to fall. Nothing can keep my attention, nothing can help me force the grains through the slit of the hour glass.  No matter the stubbornness time continues to force itself to move. We sit in the car and wait as they take my cat away. It’s cold. We have an old cargo van, it can’t keep it’s own heat, there’s holes in the floor, I often wonder when I’ll fall through.  I can’t tell if I’m shaking because I’m cold or because I’m spiraling, I don’t wanna say anything, I’m scared I’ll pass out.  It’s an hour before anyone comes out to tell us the news. She’s fine, nothing in her blood indicates anything's wrong other than an ever so slightly high white blood cell level and barely low kidney level.  I want to be relieved, I want to believe she’s okay. She’s not. she’s not eating, she’s not going to the bathroom, she’ll die and I’ll never know why. We talk about what it would cost to put her to sleep if she begins to experience pain. She’s just so little, I can’t put her through pain, that’s too much pain for such a little body.  We agree to watch her throughout the week and see what happens. We agree to give her a hydration shot to make sure she’s at least hydrated even though she’s not drinking. It’s a shot that sits in the skin and then disperses throughout 12 hours. They put the shot to her chest, she now has a rocking pair of tits.  600 dollars down the drain for no information. I can’t help but feel hopeless and angry. I feel ungrateful, I feel like my friends money should be going somewhere better. I have wonderful help from wonderful people but there are no wonderful results. We get home and feed the cats, even offering some treats, she’s interested but only has one. I put some out for my other cat, she loves food, she’ll eat till she gets sick and then eat again.  She doesn’t eat, she doesn’t eat more than a few bites from her food dish either.  All the flickering street lights go out. Please, I can’t lose them both. 

#dear diary #january #diary #diary entry #cat #I'm lost #January 2021

[mychaoticdiary]

January, 2nd, 2021

Dear Diary,

The beginning of the year started great, I had a some drinks with my mom, went to bed early and didn’t even have a hangover when I woke up. I managed to get my art juices flowing and I’m in the middle of an actual fun drawing for the first time in probably 3 years.  Fucking Rad.  But now it’s the 2nd and I noticed my cat’s not eating...she’s not drinking either. I thought maybe she just had a stomach ache or something but now that I think of it she hasn’t eaten since New Years Ever Morning. She’s still got a peppy attitude, no painful meowing, still playful, not seeking solitude, I tried to check her gums only to have fate laugh at me as their black so I can’t tell if their pale and if she’s anemic or not. I know it’s not good when cats not eating, it’s one of the first telltale signs that somethings wrong so I just can’t stop crying. I don’t wanna lose another pet so close to Christmas and my birthday. I had to put my dog down 5 years ago just a few days before Christmas. Fuck Christmas, fuck my birthday, I don’t want any of it. I just wanna wake up and have my cat be okay. I get told to try wet food but her entire diet is wet food, I switch the food, I switch the brand, I get dry food, I wet the dry food, I get her favourite treats, I wet her favourite treats. Nothing. Nothing but a dumb little happy face staring up at me. Her trip to the vet is tomorrow morning and I know I should try and hope for the best that maybe it’s just a swollen tooth I somehow missed, maybe it’s just some gas, a one time medication. I just hope beyond hope it’s not the same thing that killed my dog so many years ago.  Cancer.  I’ve been crying all day, every trip to the store I try not to cry because it’s a scary time for fluid right now in the world, I lie and say it’s allergies. My mask is disgusting.  I tried taking a bath but the bathtub is so small, the emergency drain is so low that the waterline doesn’t reach up past my sides so I turn on the showerhead as well and just sit. I put some music on shuffle, Machine Gun Kelly Feature YungBlud - I Think I’m Okay. How ironic. I hate irony.  I dump my entire bottle of Snow Fairy by Lush into my bath because I hate it now too. My friend gifted me money and while I put most of it to bills I spent $100 at Lush and Davids Tea. I thought I deserved something nice so close to my birthday and now I wish I’d never bought it because reality looms.  If something complicated is wrong with her I can never afford to fix it.  My sweet girl will die because I’m currently all the way in my Over Draft in every single account I’ve got. Just to afford to send her to the vet my rent’s going to be paid in two parts.  I think I’ll draw how dystopian I feel to kill the time.

Happy New Years, my cat is dying. 

#dear diary #diary entry #Happy New Years #January 2021