pointless-letters

[pointless-letters]

PEAK TELEGRAPH: “I don’t think that I should be receiving these things from the state - which, of course, I accept - when I don’t need them. I also think that people who do need them shouldn’t get them either.”

#Daily Telegraph #Benefits #Handouts #Which of course I accept #GIMME GIMME GIMME #But I’m angry about being given these things #Which again #To be clear #Of course I accept #But I’m also angry #That other people who do need them get them too #The scrounging BASTARDS #Peak Telegraph

[pointless-letters]

REASONS WHY BRITAIN IS TOTALLY RUINED THESE DAYS, NUMBER 33,596: “Beards.”

#Daily Mail #Remember when #BEARDS #That most recent of modern scourges #Facial hair #Never used to have that #Men #Clean shaven #Why today stinks #Britain #Totally ruined

[pointless-letters]

You could take the total area of the inside of 10,000 Dyson spheres, multiply that by 20 every minute of every day for 500 years, and still not come close to half of the sheer amount of square footage that Meghan Markle occupies, entirely rent free, in the brains of these absolute headbangers.

#Daily Mail #Meghan Markle #The Royal Family #Absolute fucking headbangers #The universe #Scientists #Centre of the universe #Dyson Spheres #Rent free #Cosmic

[pointless-letters]

“I agree with Maggie.” said Mrs Bunty Twelvetrees (81) today. “Whenever I go somewhere and offer an innocent comment on the rights of British natives and indigenous people, I’m made to feel unwelcome. What happened to free speech, eh?”

“I blame the coloureds.” she added later.

#Daily Express #Racism #The real victims #Little old ladies #Indigenous #Native people #Now if this story is true #And not just dogwhistle bullshit #You’d think at some point along the way #Even if only for a moment #Maggie would wonder why all these separate interactions were going so badly #And maybe #Just maybe #Consider if there was some common element #Something present in all of them #Hmmmm #It’s a head scratcher #Bunty Twelvetrees

[pointless-letters]

“Multi culteral”

#Daily Star #English #Multicultural #Sorry #Multi culteral #SPEEK ENGLISH #SPEEK R LANGWICH #So proud of being English #You can’t even be bothered to spell things correctly #One great country #Finished #Ruined forever #Because of the FOREIGNS

[pointless-letters]

Happy eighth anniversary to this absolute classic

“…but he’s right there, Vera!”

“JUST HURRY UP BRIAN!”

#The Guardian #GREG YOU’VE ABSOLUTELY FUCKED IT #Rhinos

[pointless-letters]

“It’s Morris Dancing, not Doris Dancing!”

#Daily Express #Morris Dancing #Yep #That’s right #The newest front in the Culture Wars #Women #Non-binary #Dancers #WOMEN WITH BEARDS #That’s where it will end up #BEARDS #FAKE BEARDS #Wokery #So how’s yer da handling the divorce

[pointless-letters]

It’s a privilege to watch minds like this at work, it really is…

#Daily Star #Not a professor #Or a brain box #Agreed #On both counts #Minds of the future folks #Surely #Island #Water #Just keep everything damp #And no fires #HEY PRESTO #SUCK IT FIREFIGHTERS #Genius #More water than land #That’s just logic

[pointless-letters]

Absolutely not in any way weird, at all

#Daily Mail #Weirdo #I mean really #Absolute weirdo #Ron from Dorset #And his firm views on pregnant women #And what they wear #And how they stand #And how they touch their own bodies #Ant McPartlin #Whoever he is #W E I R D O

[pointless-letters]

“And then the two young men backflipped into a gold Ferrari, shouted ‘So long, losers!’ and flipped the bird at a picture of Churchill.”

#Daily Mail #Things that totally happened #Lunch #Lovely village #France #Two young men #Who totally existed #Tunisia #Immigrants #Expensive watches #And phones #That also totally existed #Because all of this is real #Just so we’re all clear here #This all happened #Britain #Least racist #Errrrr #Speechless #Reply

[pointless-letters]

Finally, someone standing up to those arrogant bastards working for the minimum wage in a precarious industry who have to bring us our food. They’ve had it all their own way for too long, but no more.

#Daily Telegraph #Restaurants #Hospitality #Eating out #Waiter #Service charge #Now #Disagree with service charges all you like #But it’s not your waiter’s fault #They don’t set that policy #They’re just in a job #That is physically demanding #And doesn’t pay hugely well #It’s an imperfect system #In an imperfect world #So if you’re able to afford swanky restaurants in London #TIP YOUR WAITER

[pointless-letters]

Can’t think why your great-grandson wouldn’t want to talk to you, you seem delightful…

#Daily Mail #Zombies #Children #Mobile phones #Christmas #Fingering his comfort dummy #Well we’ve all been there #Kills half an hour doesn’t it #Can’t think why he didn’t want to talk to you #You seem delightful #And not at all a judgmental nightmare

[pointless-letters]

Imagine being this terrified all the time. Being this scared of people you’ll never meet, who mean you no harm and who have done nothing wrong. Talking yourself into the utter conviction that they’re going to bring down your entire civilisation.

Fuck, it must be exhausting.

#Daily Express #Immigration #Immigrants #Asylum seekers #Terror #Imagine being this scared #All the time #24/7 #Being this absolutely paranoid #About people you’ll never meet #Ever #Who have done nothing wrong #Imagine the energy that sort of brain rot takes up #Must be exhausting

[pointless-letters]

LEGAL GENIUS: “The two words are close enough. Simples.”

#Daily Mail #Legal genius #Steve has sat down #And had himself a big think #Prisoners #Why #WHY OH WHY #Microchipped #Good enough for felines #Good enough for felons #Well #It’s hard to argue with that sort of logic

[pointless-letters]

That’s it John, keep it light!

Happy New Year, everyone!

(not you, John)

#Happy New Year #2024 #Fucks sake John #Keep it light #Have a Baileys

[pointless-letters]

HAPPY NEW YEAR: In an astonishing case of parallel development, thanks to Brexit the entire country’s now as fucked as Ron’s arteries.

‪“I agree with Ron.” said Mrs. Bunty Twelvetrees, 84. “For too long now we British have lived in abject terror of hearing the jackbooted steps of the Dripping Police on our doorsteps. Too many of our young have been carted off to Dripping Re-education Camps. Finally, freedom beckons.”

#Daily Express #New Year #Ron #Beef dripping #The EU #Did they ever stop it being eaten? #No #No they fucking didn’t #Twat

[pointless-letters]

Ending 2023 on a real thrill ride. BRACE YOURSELVES.

#Daily Telegraph #Cheese #Waitrose #Shop #Gruyère #Croque monsieur #Frittata #Gripping stuff #It really is #Thrills #Spills #Ups #Downs #Emotional rollercoaster