questions-im-scared-to-ask

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

I've found that I have some regrets.

I regret telling you how i felt, because those words can't be unsaid. Because those words lead to a flirtatious attitude between us. One that was fueled by years of my pent up desire. And those words lead to the actions that followed.

I regret that I let you kiss me, not a small soft kind kiss, but a longing passionate one. One that stole my breath and the strength in my knees. And the kisses that followed were just as full, but more steady each time as the nervousness left us and we forgot the world.

I regret that i held you, because now I can never forget that feeling. Your head cradled to my chest, the content sigh as you relaxed. Feeling something you've wanted. Hopefully it was everything you hoped.

I regret our meetings, those moments stolen when no one was there. In the car, in your bed. The look in your eyes as I kept you from pushing your boundaries, it made me ache.

I regret not being more careful.

Because now my heart is bruised again.

It will heal, and I will be fine. We'll be as we ever were. But these regrets linger because every part of us was taken from me too soon.

I knew going in that I would never be the one, that i was just something to distract in the moment. That I would never be what you really wanted. And that's okay. I set myself up for that, and I knew it going in.

But the worst part in all this is that I now know just how much i love you. Though those words and more you will never hear. Because I refuse to use your guilt to sway your heart. So instead I leave them here. Because I don't know what else to do with them.

Where should I say that I love the way you laugh, that it's infectious and always makes me smile. That I like the creases at your eyes when you smile, or get that intense frustrated look when you're working. That your voice makes me feel safe, among other things, but it always brings me peace. You calm the storm in me that others created and make it easier for me to center myself and move forward. Just the touch of your hand as it holds mine is enough to send me to tears. I've never felt someone as gentle as you, and I only wish I could have been better at saying it.

You don't fix my problems. Nor could I ever expect or ask that of you. But you give me support in solving them myself.

I know I am broken, and those jagged edges of me are what keeps us apart in the end. But they're the parts I can't fix, though I've spent my life trying.

And it hurts.

But my pain is not your burden. It's mine.

So as I cary it, i will stay as your friend. As i always have been. Happy for your success, and there to be at your side when you fall.

I'll stay with you for as long as you will allow me.

#i feel awful for feeling like this #my emotions are complicated

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

Gods I am not okay. Being where I am now I can see just how unhappy I have been. How neglected and abuse. How much I have settled for something comfortable but never truly loving.

I don't need someone who wants to give me the world, or extravagance. I just need someone who finds beauty and love in the mundane. Who loves the curves and flaws of me, who makes me feel beautiful in skin I've spent so long trying to rip off. Who sees the the wonder in the dark parts and supports me while I carefully stitch together the shredded flesh to find myself again.

I don't need to be someone's everything, but just something. Someone they want to touch, to hold, to hear, to listen. Who meets me with a smile, and speaks to me with respect. Never hurtful, negging, or condescending. Never treating me like I'm stupid. Never talking down, but open and communicating.

I don't need much. I don't want much. I just want to feel loved. Safe. Happy. Seen. Considered. In the ways I've been doing for everyone else my entire life. I want someone to see the pain behind the kindness and make the choice to be kind in turn.

I'm broken, and my pieces may cut. Fear and lashing out, but it's always followed by regret. I thrive in darkness, but I will never be the monster they made me again. I am better, I am changing, and I want someone who wants to be there beside me.

To support me, especially when I cannot support myself.

I don't need money, or gifts, or anything transactional. But support, love, understanding, patience. I need those like air.

I am not a token, or a prize. Not a trophy to be marked and flaunted. Only touched when there's fear of losing me. I am not a trope or a fetish to be treated like a toy. I am a person. Broken and healing. With simple desires. Simple needs.

Nothing more.

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

It's an odd feeling, loving someone but knowing that their behavior is making you slowly fall out of love. Like, I still love you, but I can't stay like this anymore.

#i feel awful for feeling like this #I'll love you the same as i did all those years ago #even when i can no longer stay with you

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

I have an uncomfortable confession. Context and information below the cut. I'm keeping things somewhat vague for privacy.

This is incredibly personal, but I don't know where else to put these thoughts. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone involved about it. Honestly I'm scared of ever actually saying it.

But, I think I'm falling out of love with my partner.

See, we've been together for six years. Living together for four of them. And it's just been getting worse. They aren't physically abusive, but we have some major issues that are becoming harder and harder to work through.

See, our first two years were great. Healthy communication, dates, cuddles, healthy physical connection. Everything was good. We never fought or argued. And it was frankly the best relationship I've ever had.

Then we moved in together. Everything dead stopped. We had hour commutes to work so I thought for a while it was just stress. But after two years of hardly any affection, no intimacy, and being treated more like a roommate. I was severely depressed. Things eventually started to get better as we talked and worked on it. But then I lost a loved one and my depression got worse. I was a wreck, gained weight, and just practically shut down. They did their best to be there, and I appreciate them for that.

After about a year I started to come out of it. But they went on a trip without me, and got hurt. That spiraled into them thinking that I would leave them for a friend. One we were both close with that I was never attracted to. This ended with them going through my phone, without my permission. Had they asked this would be different. And going through all of my messages with all of my friends. They hurt themselves, ran off in the middle of the night, tried to isolate me, gave me ultimatums. Everything they could to try and cut me off from my friends.

I put my foot down, I wasn't going to be controlled over something that never happened. I wasn't even messaging that friend in any inappropriate way, I was just venting. And those messages were held over my head for a year.

Now we've moved back home. And we're mostly comfortable and safe, our previous town was not. And I'm to the point now where I just can't ignore it anymore.

For two years I wasn't touched, barely given anything affection wise. And for the past two, I've been blamed for something that never actually happened, isolated, and pushed away.

I have to ask for affection, and it's treated like an inconvenience. I ask for help in our home and I get attitude. And when I bring these things up I'm promised change that never lasts.

It's a cycle.

And I'm tired of it.

I no longer get the sweet kisses, the hugs from behind. Silly little teasing. Showers together. Glances at my body. No excitement for dates, or sex, or anything. I find myself back where I was when I was single. Sunk in fanfiction. Talking to people who genuinely want to be there for me, but keeping a distance now because of the way everything has been. I can't be open around my friends because they see it as a threat. Just playing my character in DND the way I wrote her is met with accusations.

I won't be cheat. I've been cheated on and I refuse to do that to anyone. But I find myself wanting to leave.

Talking hasn't worked. No real change has been made. And every day I just realize how unhappy I am.

My friend wrote me poetry, because I was feeling insecure, and I nearly cried. He gave me hugs and encouragement, and I found myself thinking that I would be so happy with him. And the worst part is, I know those feelings aren't real. I don't love that friend like that. But being shown real love, even platonic, hit me hard.

My partner sees me as an object, an inconvenience in my own home. Even if they don't realize it. They treat me like a tv housewife, and I never wanted to be that.

Soon things will get to a point where I can financially leave.

And I really think I will.

Because this life isn't what I want for myself.

I don't want to feel insecure, rejected, inconvenient, or anything they make me feel.

I want a partner who smiles seeing me in the morning. Who comes up to kiss me, wrap their arms around me while I'm cooking or working. Who stares when I'm naked, and gives me their attention when I talk.

I don't need much. I don't want extravagant gifts, or expensive dates. I just want to feel like they really love me.

And right now, I don't.

I deserve better. Even if accepting that hurts.

#i feel awful for feeling like this #i'm just so tired #i want to be loved #I'm sorry

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

So, if you have a character going through their transition MtF, and they go through basically everything up to surgery, but they get a chance to alter their body without surgery for story reasons. Does that diminish their personal journey?

Like I'm talking years of going through hrt, social and family stuff, and basically getting an option right before going through surgery, to just overhaul their body. Like face, chest, bits, all of it. But this change only being possible because of the hormones and therapy work they've already done.

Is that wish fulfilment, or is that like erasure? Because they still went through everything, but it sorta feels like an instant fix, even though the process takes several months?

(Context and poll below)

For context a character I'm working on went through a nearly full transition (she's still in early writing so I'm trying to figure out if I need to adjust) and a few days before she was going in for bottom surgery she got hit by an alien parasite. A few weird days go by, and she misses her appointment. In a moment of panic she explains why she's upset, and the parasite mentions that it can help adjust her body to better match her hormones.

So instead of surgery it's a few awkward months of body changes, face shape, voice box, down to bittles. And she slowly feels more and more comfortable and confident with her body. And during this time you get to see her as she connects with the people around her and feel how she feels as things change.

Skip ahead a few years and something rips the parasite out, so she goes through a sort of self reflection panic where she worries about her body shifting back. But it doesn't because that's what she is now. And when she gets the parasite back they have a stronger relationship realizing they're together by choice and not because they have to be.

Like, she still goes through a full transition, I just thought that may offer more character specific moments than a surgery does. Also I don't know how to write medical stuff, and I'm worried I'd mess it up trying to get into it, and I don't want to just gloss over it. Especially since it's a very important moment in her story. Basically I just want to shift the framing device of the transition to both match the story, and give me familiar territory to write with more focus on characters than the process. It provides some moments in story where she can explore the feelings she has with the people around her. Coupled with the fear of her body reverting back, and getting some good moments with her father. He doesn't have a problem with her transitioning he just doesn't understand the concept well. He's similar to the dad in turning red.

But all that aside, I don't want to accidentally make people feel like I'm glossing past the issue. I am cis, I don't have any personal experience with the transition process, so I'm going off what I can gather from the trans friends I have as well as testimonials online. I really want to make sure I do this right and be respectful. And I'm not so attached to this idea that I'd let it ruin my character work. So please, tell me what you think.

If I've said anything that sounds rude or offensive please let me know and I will absolutely fix it. I'm not very familiar with a story this in depth on transitioning and I'm trying to learn so I can be a better more inclusive writer. Thank you!

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing help #tumblr polls #hyper specific poll #oc help #transgender #transgender oc