shiftysarah
Shifty Sarah
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April 25, 2024:
We had an argument that broached the topic of me not getting enough sleep, and how badly he treats everyone in the middle of the night. I reminded him that he is not the only one who is affected by not getting enough sleep, and that just because I’m not lashing out at anyone does not mean I’m not suffering. He was so pushy, that I ended up bawling and reminding him that he PROMISED to stop talking so badly about the kids and that it had been an ultimatum, and he still didn’t stop. In saying this, I was not trying to say “I’m going to hold you to this ultimatum.” I only said it because he would stop pushing me to say what I was upset about. But after I said it, he started talking about a possible divorce. He kept asking if that was what I wanted. It IS what I want, but I’m not ready yet and I’m scared. So I kept trying to avoid answering that question, or saying “I’m still trying”
That night he made sure to put the kids to bed so that I could get enough sleep. I still got up with them in the night, but it was fine because I had gone to bed early and had plenty of sleep.
April 26, 2024:
I got up with the kids in the morning, got them ready for school, and took them to school. By the time I got home, he was still in bed so I went to wake him up so that he could try to shower and start his work day. He was very cold and passive aggressive and didn’t want to speak to me at all. I tried to give him some space, but a friend of mine asked me to come over for a bit, so I had to speak to him to let him know that I was going somewhere. He eventually got up and showered, and we were even both in the office working for about 1 hour before I left. The whole time I kept trying to to talk and be normal, but he was giving me the cold shoulder. I did go to my friends house for a bit. As soon as I left he texted me and told me that he had gone back to bed because he was too depressed to work. When it was time, I went and picked up both kids from school and brought them home. Here was another chance for us to talk. He told me he was upset that I would “just leave” to go to a friends house. (This friend has been trying to get me to come over for weeks and he knows this. It had nothing to do with him. Which he KNOWS) He said he was hurt because we had just had a fight the day before and we obviously needed to talk. But I had TRIED talking to him and he wouldn’t speak to me.
Again he kept bringing up divorce. I was trying to not say anything that would indicate that I want that. But THEN he kind of hit me up it’s his own ultimatum, saying that I need to decide because either I get a job, and get out, or we stay together and file for bankruptcy. And he even said “if we file for bankruptcy, and you want to leave, that would really screw you over”
I was honestly so confused trying to decipher if this was a threat or not. Of course I don’t want to be involved in his bankruptcy! My car is paid off and in my name. This made me feel nervous like I’m going to have to get out sooner than I wanted.
Later that night we talking again and he apologized a lot and made promises about changing his behavior and going back on his medication. (We’ll see)
April 27, 2024:
Today we are just acting normal for the most part. It’s a little awkward, but he’s not drilling me with questions, so that’s good. I know I probably can’t wait until December like I had originally hoped, but I would love to wait until after Girl’s birthday party, and after I get an new job?
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When he stress cleans, it’s because he’s angry, and then he can say “I did all of this and what have you even done?”
When I stress clean, it’s because I feel like I’m going to get in trouble, so I need to clean as much as possible so that there’s nothing that noticeably still needs to get done.
Neither of these things are right. They are both trauma responses from our own fucked up childhoods. But they are also not the same, and his makes mine worse.
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April 23, 2024:
Here I am again, up with boy at 4:20am, even though I also had the midnight shift, even though I was also the one to put the kids to bed in the first place at 8:30. Even though I’m the one with an alarm set for 6:30am to get the kids ready for school. Boy is wide awake and has no intention of going back to sleep, so I guess I don’t get to either.
6:30pm - Man asks if it’s ok if he hangs out in his office and of course I say that’s fine, because why not? Nothing has happened yet.
8:30pm - He doesn’t come out to help put the kids to bed but that’s fine because Girl passed out on the couch so I just have to carry her to bed and then hang out with Boy until he does the same.
12:00am - We are both still awake, but I was trying to sleep, and Man wasn’t. He was just like playing a game or something. Boy wakes up. I suggest that Man be the one to take care of him since I’m already trying to sleep. He says, “I’d really prefer if you take this one because he’s gonna say he just wants mommy.” This is frustrating because Boy was not fussy or crying, and those are the times when he just wants Mommy. Man could easily have taken this shift.
4:00am - Boy wakes up again. At first he’s not fussy at all. But when I remind Man that it is his turn, he just lays in bed huffing and puffing and waiting until Boy gets upset at being ignored and is eventually whining that he only wants Mommy (because he hears me repeatedly asking Man to get up) Eventually Boy gets realizes he has to pee, and announces it, and runs to the bathroom, but on his way he sneezed. He had a lot of snot from the sneeze and asked for help. I nudged and said “Man..” he cut me off and throwing the covers back angrily and saying “God Damn it, of COURSE, he would fucking sneeze!” He angrily gets up and goes to wipe Boy’s nose and then help him go potty. Then instead of taking Boy to the living room or his room to get him back to bed, he brings him back to our room and has him climb in bed with me. Man takes this as a win because he gets to immediately go back to sleep. But Boy is climbing on me, taking up my pillow and blanket, and talking at full volume, because he’s fully awake. He won’t let me go back to sleep, and is just going to keep asking questions. So I give up and take him out to the living room. And here is we are. No idea if he will go back to sleep. So far it doesn’t seem like it. It would be nice if I could eventually trade off with Man so I could get some sleep, but at this point he is just going to huff and puff and cuss and throw things if I ask again. Because in his mind, he has been woken up too many times already. The only thing he actually did was wipe a face and a butt.
*Update from the morning*
Me “im really frustrated with how last night went. Can I go over a timeline with you of what all happened, without you getting defensive so that we can talk about how we can do things differently next time?”
Him “No I already know what you’re going to say. I need to help more”
And then went on to complain about how HE didn’t get enough sleep because he worked all day yesterday and needs sleep.
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Things he hates, and so expects me to give up completely:
Dogs
The beach
Outdoor activities in general
Airplanes
Boats
Sports
Cold meal foods (sandwiches, salads, etc)
Soup
Leftovers
Any music or background noise during sleep, or sex.
Roller coasters/ amusement park rides
Tap water (including for brewing coffee?!)
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*wind knocks over an empty trash can*
Him “I fucking hate it here so much. This stupid fucking wind. It’s because there are no trees on our block. We HAVE to move!”
Him “Why was the heat on?”
Me “Oh it actually got down to 35 degrees last night”
Him “I hate this fucking place. This is why we need to move!!! I’m so fucking sick of this shit!”
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He works from home, and he makes it almost impossible for me to leave the house. It’s clear that he doesn’t want me to be around anyone, including my friends, without him there to supervise.
Sometimes on the weekends he will go out to hang out with friends. I enjoy those breaks. But sometimes he decides not to go out. If I encourage him to go out and have a good time, he will immediately get accusatory and say “Why are you trying to get me to leave the house? Are you having someone over when I’m not home?!?”
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April 16, 2024:
The first time Boy woke up for the night, I was the one to get up and get him back down to sleep, so they second time he woke up, it was Man’s turn. Apparently about an hour went by (I was asleep so I’m not sure if that’s an exaggeration) and then I woke up to hearing Boy screaming. (1:00AM)
Before I could even get out of bed, Man swung the bedroom door open dramatically and stomped into the bathroom to grab a towel, and then angrily stormed back out to the living room. I got went out there as well to see what was happening.
Boy was stripped down and Man was frantically wiping him down with wet wipes. Man started to explain what was going on while wiping Boy and not acknowledging Boy’s emotions at all. Apparently Man has gotten up to get Boy’s cup of orange juice, but tripped on a blanket and spilled the juice into Boy and the couch.
He was freaking out as if the juice was going to destroy everything. I picked up Boy to take him to the other couch, to comfort him and get him out of Man’s way. He stopped crying because I talked to him in a calm voice and gave him a hug. Man was so pissed and was like “of COURSE he’s fine now, because it’s YOU!” Then he started stripping the cushions off of the couch, removing the covers super angrily, and throwing things.
He kept saying it was “soaked” but I could see that it wasn’t. He had also already removed the blanket that was on Boy when it happened, saying it was “soaked” and all of Boy’s clothes. Given that the cup in question can only hole like a max of one cup of fluid, most of the juice would have been on the blanket, and not then couch itself, making it not actually that hard to clean.
But Man had all the lights on and was angrily cleaning. After stripping the cushions, he got out the vacuum and started vacuuming the inside of the couch, and then got out the scrubby carpet cleaner stuff and started frantically cleaning the inside of the couch as well. All the while stomping around and speed walking and exclaiming how mad he was at himself, and how mad he was at Boy for being calm with me.
Once he was done cleaning he sat down on the unaffected couch with Boy and I and started in with “What?! Are you mad at me?!?” And then going on and on complaining about how he was just trying to help me by getting up with Boy, basically trying to covertly hype himself up like him taking an turn in the night is some huge act of chivalry and I should be grateful that he even tries. He was saying something like “I did this for YOU so YOU could get some sleep. It’s not fair to you that Boy only wants you. There’s nothing I can do about that”
Yes there is. Actually comfort him instead of being openly furious at him for being awake. Typically when it’s Man’s turn to get up with Boy, if Boy is crying Man is slamming things, stomping, grabs Boy very angrily, and will take him to the couch and put his whole hand over Boy’s face and say “stop crying!!” That’s scary for him! So of course he doesn’t feel good about Man being the one to get up with him.
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April 9, 2024:
After just about one week since I made him promise to stop saying he hates Boy, he’s already back to saying it.
The last couple of nights have been rough, with Boy not sleeping much and waking up in the night a lot, which is not abnormal for us. It’s been a pattern that I’m one the who has to do bed time because “it’s easier” for me, but also whenever it’s the first time he gets up in the night, Man gets mad if I ask him to be the one to get up with him first. He goes out to the living room with him for a minute, then gives up quickly and says that he won’t settle because it’s not mommy, so then I have to be the one to go be with him, for sometimes about 2 hours in the middle of the night. And then if there’s another time he wakes up after that, and I ask Man to take a turn, he claims he took the last turn, even tho he gave up and made me take over.
So knowing that it’s been bad the last 3 nights, Man was like “oh hey let’s go back to where we split the night into two big shifts. I’ll go to bed early. Like right now” and it was like 6pm. So that already meant I would have to take care of the kids by myself when they’re being super wild and fighting, and put them both to bed, and then stay up with Boy for however long. So then at 8:30 Man texted me from the bedroom saying he was gonna take a viagra and wanted to have sex after Boy went to bed. Which I agreed to, but then he just kept texting me complaining how long it was taking, while I was trying my hardest to get Boy calm and get him to sleep, and Mans just laying in bed in our room relaxing. I finally got Boy to sleep at 10:30. Man and I did have sex, and then I wanted to go straight to bed in hopes of trying to get enough sleep. Of course he was annoyed that I didn’t want to stay up and watch tiktoks with him, because he went to bed at 6pm and was already feeling well rested.
At 1:00am Boy woke up crying. I reminded Man that it was his turn, per our agreement, and as usual the just threw the blankets off himself dramatically and said “I fucking hate Boy. I hate him. I’m so fucking sick of this. He won’t fucking let us sleep. I hate him”
Man went out to the living from with Boy, and gave up and came back after about ten minutes saying nothing works, and he can’t get him to calm down, and that he’s just the worst, and he’s just being an asshole. So I had to trade off already. I went to Boy and tried comforting him and asked him what was wrong. He immediately told me that his legs are hurting (I think growing pains) but I know Man didn’t think to actually ASK Boy what was wrong. He just needed some love and compassion. It’s not that hard. All I do is hold him or rub him back while telling him I know that it’s frustrating that his legs hurt, and I’m here for him. So he feels safe and comfortable. Meanwhile I’m sure all Man did when he was out here was tell him to stop crying. Boy is fine now, and I’m still out here with him just helping him try to go back to sleep. But so much for splitting the night.
We literally had a whole conversation where I told him, that he HAS to stop saying hateful things about the kids. And that if he hates having kids so much, my only solution would be for me to leave and take them. He said he would take it seriously and promised to stop immediately. But here we are. He hasn’t been able to make it the week without calling Girl a bitch either.
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Lack of patience/ need for immediate reaction
He will say something that doesn’t necessarily require a response, and (without pause) say “you aren’t even going to say anything?!”
If he asks me a question, and I stop to think of the answer, he will get angry and say “HELLO?!?” as if I have ignored him, even though it’s been less than 2 seconds.
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He thinks he’s such a good parent, because he doesn’t believe in spanking.
But he DOES grab the kids too hard in anger. Squeeze them too hard, in anger. Shake them, in anger. “Thump” them, in anger. Not to mention the way he covers our son’s face with his whole hand, when he’s tired of hearing him cry.
This is NOT what gentle parenting is.
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Tell me your man has an unhealthy relationship with sex, without telling me. I’ll go first.
Him after sex if he was on top:
“All you did was lay there. You don’t do any of the work!”
Him after sex if I was on top:
“You just use me as something to grind on, like it doesn’t really even matter than I’m there!”
Side note: he only has these complaints if I had an orgasm. If I don’t come, he mysteriously has no complaints.
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He’s so obsessed with women’s weight.
My weight, his exes, celebrities…
I’m so tired of hearing about it.
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How you treat your loved ones when you’re having a bad day says a lot to me
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Boy math is when you let them sleep in and they’re mad that the whole day is wasted, even though they’re 100% capable of setting an alarm.
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