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shitmoviesonshitwifi · 6 years

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Rodeo and Juliet

Here is my play by play reaction to this movie.

1. So there is a girl named Juliet and she is moving to her grandfather’s ranch with her mom after his death.

2. She is pissed that she has to move, but then she meets this horse, Rodeo, apparently she had riding lessons in NYC but can’t saddle a horse.

3. Seriously, she just like throws it in the air with the strength of a 9 month old infant.

4. She makes friends with Nan, like who the fuck names their kid Nan? Anyway, she is the only black person in the whole town so far.

5. Nan takes her to a barn dance and introduces her little brother, so two black people so far. (this movie does not seem to accurately represent the beautiful diversity of our nation)

6. Some mean girls approach Nan and Juliet. They claim that Juliet’s outfit looks like, “a clearance rack at Chicos”.

7. Juliet is wearing like a black leather jacket and black jeans and black heels, I mean they aren’t Prada but the outfit isn’t bad.

8. Anyway, Juliet comes back with “I’ll let Lana del Rey know you said that next time I’m backstage at one of her concerts like last weekend” and, “Oh my mom’s friend Calvin designed this outfit, Calvin Klein.”

9. Super cringey so far and way too detailed for a comeback.

10. Some country boy approaches Juliet and she dips out of the way for another cowboy and pretends he is her date, this movie is so cliche so obviously they fall for each other. Not actually sure what his name is.

11. Meanwhile, Mom is at judge’s office looking for a will or statement entitling her to the ranch meanwhile some Billy Ray knock off comes in saying he has paper that entitles him to half of the ranch. Judge said it was never official.

12. We find out his name is Hugh and he was the grandpa’s right hand man.

13. A lot has happened and I cannot really follow but I guess the mom is now employed at the Judge’s office and is helping look for a will.

14. Juliet’s mom says to stay away from Loverboy since he is Hugh’s nephew and therefore the enemy.

15. Oh and btw Mom tells Juliet they have to sell the horse.

16. Juliet throws a fit and then learns of a barrel racing competition and thinks that if she and Rodeo win that she can’t sell him or the ranch.

17. Loverboy offers to teach her and says that she knows he’ll do anything for her, so their relationship is going hella fast, like it has only been 2 days.

18. Since Juliet is supposed to stay away from them she convinces her mom to let her ride Rodeo at Nan’s ranch

19. I suspect she’ll be riding Loverboy too, if ya catch my drift ;)

20. Training montage and searching for document montage begins.

21. Hugh and Loverboy have the same haircut and hat, little freaky.

22. Loverboy has a really pointy chin

23. Also horse is pretty little/scrawny for being a barrel racing horse

24. I have been informed by Ari (roommate) that Loverboy’s name is Monty.

25. So Juliet has been practicing for like 2 days and she’s already a god at the game

26. Definitely a hallmark movie due to the nature and quick, hard to follow plot and lack of diversity.

27. Wait! There are two more black people, a receptionist at the county clerks office and a dude in line. Ari: “still no asian people!”

28. Everyone drives really big, really shiny trucks

29. So some random dude with a weird beard shows up while mom is sweeping the driveway.

30. His name is bill Atterbury and he is looking for the grandpa, mom says he is not here and fails to mention that he is dead.

31. Okay now she mentions it all dramatic like.

32. Anyway, homeboy wants to buy the horse.

33. Oh and apparently mom is trying to get him to buy the land too.

34. This convo is going down like the opening to a cheesy 80′s porno (at least I am assuming so)

35. Ooh she invited him in for some lemonade..... and probably some sex too.

36. JK it is just really cheesy to invite a stranger in for lemonade.

37. The low visual quality and cheesy movie tropes make me honestly question if this is a hallmark movie or a bad 80′s porn.

38. Juliet is wearing some black off the shoulder shirt with big white lettering that says NYC with neon paint splatters.

39. It looks like it was purchased anywhere but NY, probably the juniors section of a SEARS department store.

40. Her hair keeps changing colors from dark brown to auburn, now she has a blonde streak in it.

41. Okay mom is now explaining her childhood in this small town.

42. Her mom died when she was 10 and her dad attached to her really hard, which seems normal since she is his only family left.

43. She was once in love with Hugh, engaged even, she liked the idea of being a rancher’s wife.

44. Then she fell in love with writing and ran off to New York, her dad and Hugh obviously did not approve.

45. Whatever she had with Hugh ended when she left and then she met Juliet’s dad and so on.

46. She admits that she really loved Hugh. Something tells me she still does and that they may get together again.

47. This entire movie I thought that Juliet took WRITING lessons in NYC but she was taking RIDING lessons in NYC, and apparently her grandpa paid for them.

48. This explains why she is so good at barrel racing, doesn’t explain why she can’t put a saddle on a horse.

49. Another off the shoulder top, what is up with this chick?!

50. Nan is always wearing a Canadian tuxedo ( Denim Jeans, Denim shirt, and Denim jacket)

51. Nan and Juliet are having girl talk and Nan is teasing Juliet for having a crush on Monty but like she’s already been on a date with him and kissed him so this shouldn’t really be a shock for Nan.

52. Monty takes Juliet to a tree grove on their horses and claims he has never taken anyone there before.

53. They kiss on horseback, as if this movie weren’t cliche enough

54. Why is Juliet always whispering in the horse’s ear like it understands english, it doesn’t.

55. WTF Nan is eating out of a feed bag with her hands, I don’t think it’s feed but that is still weird.

56. Mom shows up while everyone is practicing and Monty hides in the worst hiding spot imaginable, I expect nothing less from this movie.

57. Apparently it’s Christmas time??!?!?!?!

58. Nan pulls the whole flattery trope with the Mom to distract her and of course it works because this movie is cliche AF

59. Hugh drops off a wreath for someone.

60. Ohhh is it the mom, I wonder if he still has feels for her.

61. Ari : “It’s for Juliet” me: ewww gross.

62. Okay mom appears outside wearing some sort of hoodie/jean jacket that 2011 Justin Bieber would wear.

63. I was right. Hugh says some BS about how he always hoped she would come back.

64. Now he tries to convince her that the grandpa always wanted them to share the ranch.

65. Now they are calling each other out on their issues.

66. Alright back to Juliet and Rodeo, just brushing.

67. Mom has decorated a small office tree that doesn’t light up on top.

68. Oh mom has found a will saying that Mom and Hugh have to split the land. Something tells me she won’t mind as much.

69. Wait, mom finds out about Juliet and Monty and now she says she has to withdrawal from the competition because she lied. daughter says she lied too, about her past in this town.

70. Uh oh mom is selling the horse to Hugh.

71. obviously this isn’t the end of Juliet’s racing career.

72. Oh shoot Hugh is ranting about how the ranch and horse should go to someone who loves it as much as the grandpa did.

73. Mom spills the beans about the will.

74. Now they feel guilty for dragging the kids in when really they were just confused about themselves but really it isn’t that hard because they found the document so move on already.

75. Whoa, Hugh confesses that he went to NYC to find the mom when he heard she was getting married.

76. Cue the “ I never stopped loving you cliche”

77. They both talk about memories rushing back and all that jazz.

78. Of course, Hugh tips his hat back and they start making out.

79. EW! If they get married that would make Monty and Juliet Step-cousins that make-out.

80. Okay so it is competition day and mom and Hugh show up.

81. I don’t know why she is competing anymore because mom is probably not going to sell Rodeo and the ranch now that she and Hugh are together.

82. Monty and Juliet apologize for sneaking around but mom supports the relationship which is gross if they end up being step-cousins.

83. Wait, apparently the current champion is back when they thought she wasn’t competing.

84. Juliet rocks the first round. Cue competition montage. The announcer has a wicked mustache and then Juliet progresses to the finals. This horse is wildin’ and going fast now.

85. Nan is walking away and some slow-mo scene makes me think something bad is about to happen.

86. OMG! OMG! WAIT! I just noticed Monty is Hugh’s nephew, Monty-Hugh. Like Montague and then Juliet! Just like the Montague and Capulet family rivalry in Verona. I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T NOTICE THIS SOONER!!!

87. I forget that the mom is a writer, she apparently knows what to write about now. Ari: “so she’s going to write about a fucking horse girl?!?”

88. She sets the record. Wait! she doesn’t win. she loses by .2 seconds against the resident champion.

89. I mean she still is keeping the horse and they do not need money for the ranch anymore since Hugh and mom are a thing, so nothing is at stake anymore.

90. Okay so Bill Atterbury from earlier comes up and offers Juliet and Rodeo $4000 and wants them to ride pro and wants Monty as a pro circuit trainer.

91. “ Y’all have a Merry Christmas”

92. All of a sudden it cuts to the ranch house where the mom is typing her paper in some bouji heels while Hugh attempts to light a fire.

93. The Judge has randomly shows up and asks if they have come to an agreement about the ranch.

94. They tell him they have, an agreement to be husband and wife.

95. I CALLED IT!!!

96. This relationship escalated really fast over the course of like 3 days

97. Monty and Juliet are back at the grove, which isn’t really a grove because there are only like 2 scrawny trees, but they just call it a grove.

98. Ewwww they are step-cousins now.

99. Now they are racing their horses at sunset.

100. Ari thinks the movie will fade out..... oh! oh! she is exactly right!

Overall, pretty odd movie. It was definitely a Hallmark movie. It was very hard to follow and a lot happened really fast. I’m still not sure if the central plot was the land dispute, horse racing, or forbidden love. The commentary that Ari and I provided was highly entertaining though.

#humor #funny #satire #review #movie #movie review #horse movie #horse girl #forbidden love #cheesy movies #cliche #cliche movie #hallmark movie #romeo and juliet #Rodeo and Juliet

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