sickjournal

[sickjournal]

everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves everyone leaves

[sickjournal]

There you are, then gone again. A quick hello and nothing else. You need space. The infinite expanse beyond the sky is still too close. I wish I could tell you that your messages make me want to tear out my own teeth. I wish I could claw my way through these satellite connections and show you my open wounds. I never could even if I could fit through my screen because then you'd get angry and leave me for good. Maybe I never should have let myself need you. You warned me that you were a stray, prone to leaving for extended periods of time. But you made me feel special, like you'd never abandon me. We've always walked in parallel. We were meant to meet and become friends. But I'm clawing for someone to cling to, I can't get a breath, and you're gone. I need help, I miss you, and you're gone. I'm drowning. By the time you come looking for me, I may be gone too.

#Depression vent #loneliness #No one cares

[sickjournal]

[sickjournal]

someone please care about me

[sickjournal]

Everyone always leaves. It's inevitable. I always end up so attached to someone only to lose them. So high then so low. So loved then so alone. I can feel it happening again. I shouldn't have gotten so attached in the first place. I'm so stupid and hollow and sick. I just want to be loved but I cling too hard. It always ends, and after each one I'm more broken.

[sickjournal]

I am worthless in every sense of the word

[sickjournal]

I hope the people dealing with my disability case know that just because I haven’t been to the hospital lately doesn’t mean I’m better. It just means that I refuse to go. I will RUN AWAY. I will scream and bite and kick. You’ll have to knock me out.

[sickjournal]

Being suicidal gives you this radical sense of freedom that you can’t really get anywhere else. Not in a good way, but like? Nothing matters anymore! Anything I do is still better than killing myself. Spending all my money? Skipping class? Quitting my job? Being bluntly honest? Who cares?! I stood out in the cold staring at the river for three hours. I stuck my hands into the snow until they stung. Now I’m having a shitton of food delivered. Maybe this is the mindset people get in before they do crimes.

[sickjournal]

OCD is hell every fucking day. I can't do anything without immediate psychic punishment. I'm so so tired. I'm discouraged that anything will ever get better and I can't talk to anyone because I've been going to them for help constantly these days. I don't want to push anyone else away with this. There's nothing I can do but lay here.

#ocd #vent #help

[sickjournal]

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#hate Hate HATE being yelled at #I'M SO ANGRY #The anger has nowhere to go #I have things to do #I don't have time to fume like this!

[sickjournal]

It’s something like a fever. It’s like nausea that got lost and is now stuck in the skull. It’s like I’ve been hanging upside down for too long. My mouth tastes like tin foil. Hot water keeps building up and I keep having to swallow. I see horrors like flashbacks over and over. I blink, and I’m here, and I blink, and I’m being trepanned with drill. The floor sways. They would have trepanned me long ago, wouldn’t they? Maybe I should be grateful that I’m here in 2023 even if I have to watch all of this in vivid detail.

#OCD #HOCD #actually ocd

[sickjournal]

GODS YOU’RE ANNOYING. WHY AM I SO ATTACHED? YOU’RE RUDE AND SOCIALLY INEPT.

[sickjournal]

I accidentally stumbled across old posts where we used to interact. I followed the links and they’re still active. I knew they were still out there, but the reminder stings. I hope they think of me and hurt.

#vent

[sickjournal]

My boss is being very kind. I wonder if she knows I want to die.

[sickjournal]

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#I just want this chapter to be over #I'm sick sick sick #dizzy #it hurts #I'll be sick on the other side but it all can scab over #why does it hurt? #I don't want to die but I do want to sleep #I want to curl in a ball and bury myself in the earth #I want months to pass #I want it all to go away so that it's safe when I emerge

[sickjournal]

I want to hurt myself. I keep seeing their faces every night I go to sleep. I've had so many close friendships shatter that it hurts to keep trying. I'm so lonely. Maybe I'm meant to be. Maybe I deserve it.

[sickjournal]

What’s the point of me? What’s the point in trying? It all just crumbles. I crumble. I’m not like them. I can’t keep up. The migraines can’t be escaped through sleep anymore. They become nightmares, and when you wake up and the panic finally dies, the world is still wrong. I can’t think and I can’t stop thinking, and there’s no in between. My brain is screaming at me to hurt myself, kill myself, end it. When there isn’t blood, it’s humming like a bell. How did I expect to do anything useful? How did I expect to amount to anything? There’s no one I can turn to who has any sympathy left. Even if it isn’t your fault, they still get sick of it after a while. The ones who understand cannot help you. No one can. I don’t want do die, but I want it to end.