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In a loop

Have you ever had to write something and you have all these ideas and stories but as soon as you sit in front of your computer you just hit a blank? I've been staring at my screen the whole day and came up with nothing. I want to update this blog, but I honestly don’t know what to write anymore. I feel stuck these days, everyday is another repetition of the one before it, the same untold words, the same step, the same routine, it’s like I have a key out but I don’t know which door to open. I sit here waiting. What am I expecting? What am I waiting for? I don't even know. 

#personal

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I originally reinstalled snapchat again to do a face swap with my dogs, but I unexpectedly captured this (very) rare cute photo of Hershey. 

#photodump

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Where will my money go?

Not that anybody cares, but ever since this pandemic happened, I’m currently living with my parents while working from home. Soooo I’ve been saving mad money and I have quite a bit to spare (of course the no privacy is taking a toll on my mental health, but y’know whatever that is not the point). Before this year ends, I want to (hopefully) buy the following:

(1) Yesterday, my boyfriend finally convinced me to make the jump and buy the parts I need to build a PC. It will be a budget gaming PC because I don’t really mind running low to medium graphics. I just want to play The Sims 3 and DLCs. That’s all. (2) We’ve been pretty much planning to buy a car since last year so hopefully we’ll be able to do that by December. I know that it’s going to be a stressful end-year plan because of the crap ton of paperwork and driver’s license processing. (3) Dog stuff! Of course, do I still need to explain this? I love my girls so much I would literally die for them, and I want to spoil them like I would an actual child.

Does anyone else get genuine crippling anxiety over money especially when it comes to your own money and dealing it with whether it be a small purchase or a big purchase? I’m already getting anxious about the big purchases I gotta make soon. My wallet is already crying.

#personal

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no death is wasted

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Before Work Week | 03

Not that anyone really cares about it, but I noticed that I have been posting negative and rant entries here and fully neglecting the wins I encounter every day. It's a struggle for sure. I'd focus too much on them, even if most of the time the positive ones far outweighed the negative.

Highlight of this week

A few weeks ago I left my job because it wasn’t for me and I finally had the courage to let it go. I received an offer for a higher salary, at a company more geared towards my interests. Finally, I just got my first pay-out from them and I couldn’t be happier. Honestly, the first pay slip at a new company is always the scariest because it’s a validation that you actually entered your bank details in correctly and confirmation that you are actually working there. Anyways... new company, same field, higher title, bigger salary. Here’s to new beginnings!

I hope in the near future I can celebrate wins easily and ignore the negativity around me. When we focus on the negative we only see the negative things that happen in our daily lives, whether they be big or small. When we focus on the positive, we see all the blessings we have and we create more opportunities for positive things to happen. I’m figuring these out as I go. I’m sure I’ll get there.

#personal

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Park Jae-eon + hair down – NEVERTHELESS (2021), dir. Joo Sa Hyun

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Life Lately

'Sup, safe space? It has been quite a while since I have posted, life has just been rather busy because of pre-employment requirements processing, work, and Maymay's medication. Sooo here's my latest offering–

(1) I already processed most of the pre-employment requirements beforehand, but the only thing that made me really disappointed is updating my employer for PhilHealth. Last week, it took me 5 hours to process and update my PhilHealth Member's Data record. Waited for 4 hours in line for the process to start; less than 5 minutes to complete the transaction. We waste so many hours of our lives traveling to and waiting in line at the government agencies. Imagine how much of society’s collective time could be saved if a concerted effort was made to move every single one of those services online. I'm constantly reminded how shitty (pardon my French) this country is!

(2) I started a new job which in every way is amazing, but I’m so used to being shit (again, pardon my French) on by life that I’m anxious and paranoid that bad thing(s) is/are going to happen. To sum it up, my anxiety is out of control and I don’t know what to do. 

(3) Maymay was diagnosed with Canine Distemper despite being vaccinated. Her immune system was compromised because of her previous illness (Ehrlichiosis) and was easily infected by distemper. The first week after her diagnosis was pretty traumatic. I’ve been up crying literally all night long and haven’t slept more than 5 hours in the past 3 days combined. There is no cure for distemper and the only thing we could do was just give her IgD for 3 consecutive days and supplements to boost her immune system. Fortunately, after 2 weeks of medication and force-feeding, Maymay is doing okay now. We’re continuously monitoring her closely and keeping her on somewhat of a normal routine. Well, there's some good news at least.

These past two weeks I have noticed I’m having a really hard time forming sentences or I find myself stumbling over simple words or flipping sayings around. Turns out that when you get to a point where you are stressed, anxious, and sleep-deprived your brain tends to get words messed up, can switch them around. Anxiety for me isn't something that just leaves. It just gets easier to handle at times. I fight every day for happiness, but sometimes you just need to cry and let it all out. And that’s okay.

Isn't it poetic how I desperately need to be alone on my own doing absolutely nothing for like 3 days to recharge from the past weeks and everything else?

Give me a break, universe.

#personal

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Not my social anxiety and awkwardness acting up on social media and discord server with friends. 💀 Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

#personal

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ISEKAI'D

The sexual tension between me and an isekai manhwa about a villainess turned good with a vengeful and enemies (killer) to lover plot. LOL. I only started reading manhwa last year and I can't believe I turned a blind eye to that genre for years. I've read over 50+ isekai villainess/empress/princess manhwa and I’m still not tired of this genre. SERIOUSLY, THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THEM THAT IS SO ADDICTING. I have 300+ manga or manhwa in my library and I don't know anymore to read because I keep on adding when I have unfinished ones (most of them are still ongoing). Amidst this pandemic, I fully realize how reading these gems helped me in keeping me sane and relieving my anxiety.

Here are my all-time favorite manhwas so far (A-Z):

A Royal Princess With Black Hair

A Villainess for the Tyrant

Daisy: How to Become the Duke's Fiancée

Flirting with the Villain's Dad

I Don't Love You Anymore

I'll Be the Matriarch in This Life

I'll Just Live on as a Villainess

Kill the Villainess

The Beloved Little Princess

The Great Wish

The Villainess Turns the Hourglass

Untouchable Lady

The point of this post: Reading isekai stuff makes me want to be transported to another world.

#personal

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aria ❤️

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Been a while since I took a mirror selfie. Not the best photo, but I still want to post this. Hehe.

#photodump

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Re: Maymay & Work (again)

I’ve had a terrible week so far, a lot of middling irritating thing has happened that have all built up. Announced my resignation from work last week because my new job was finalized. The last few days were some of the stressful days I've experienced. At first, conversations about training and retention bond were brought up and my current employer won't let me leave until I paid them what I "owed". I couldn't sleep at night for two days because they threatened me that they will sue me for breach of contract. Fortunately, my manager from Singapore convinced them not to cause any problems and let me go. (Thanks, Bala.) How can I be motivated if this company is providing us a low salary and bare minimum benefits? I have raised complaints so many times but I am constantly gaslighted and nothing changes. Don't say you are an inclusive company if you don't put measures in place to support and care about the welfare of your employees.

It’s bittersweet to leave a company that I’ve been with for the past year and gave me opportunities to lead, but onto another exciting opportunity!

Also, Maymay is healthy now. Thanks to the dedication and around-the-clock care from us, and her fighting personality, she's now a healthy, happy doggo!

#personal

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Re: Maymay & Work

Maymay Our lil cinnamon roll may finally be healthy again! We just got back from the vet and her CBC results were back to normal! Normal platelet count in dogs is 175k - 500k and at her diagnosis, she was at 56k, but now it’s 300k! Well done, baby! She'll need to stay on prednisone therapy for the next 10 days and continue the rest of her medication. All we can do is manage it and give her timely medical treatment when required. Treatment is expensive (of course), which is okay as long as she recovers.

Honestly, I’ve been so stressed out lately because of her health, but I’m really glad that she’s kind of OK now. I hope she’ll fully recover soon.

Work Work has been a little more stressful than usual lately. When a colleague of mine went AWOL, his tasks were handed over to me and I thought things couldn't get any worse. The client made a lot of additional and last-minute changes to our project. Despite the changes, our deadline remained the same. I didn't like how my boss handled this situation. He accepted all this work with such a tight deadline! On top of that, the colleague of mine who went AWOL is all over the place, very unprofessional, and never finishes his tasks.

How can I be motivated if this company is providing us a low salary and bare minimum benefits? I will definitely resign soon and move to another company. I have now had a couple interviews and am expecting an offer. I don't know if I'll accept but wouldn't have even come this close if I hadn't felt disrespected in my current role.

Bottom line: Had a load of bad news these few past weeks so I’m fully expecting a piece of good news next week. Please give this to me, universe!

#personal

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#stargirl #disney #figuring out #screenie #movie quote #movie #quote #book adaptation

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Listless, dejected, and unmotivated.

I’m in a hole right now. My motivation is less than zero and my ability to recognize my mistakes are at an all time low. I feel like I’m no where near the level I can get to. Fuck. Someone please tell me where you get your motivation from because I'm getting really frustrated that I have all these ideas in my head that I want to code and build a website, but I can never just focus long enough or have the energy to do it. I'm over it.

Me, but overthinking: What if all the doors are closed? And you try and try the whole year and get NOTHING. Where can I get motivation for another year?

#personal