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The Beginning Of The End
so I told you about my first time, but like I said that kid wasn't an addict. I think someone gave it to him so he decided to do it that night. now I wanna talk about the place where everything REALLY went down. I really really want to keep this anonymous so im gonna change some names. A lot of this time of my life is a blur. my memory has snapshots and parts of what happened. some of it I may never remember, but that's okay because there was a lot of trauma that came with this. I sat with one of the very few high school/middle school friends that ended up using with me. before I start, I want to say this is not his fault, he's always been a great friend, and when you're on drugs, it feels like your doing someone a huge favor by sharing. well call him S. S liked uppers more, but we always would hangout and usually end up sharing with each other. I was breaking off a tiny piece of my perc while he smoked a rock. this was over a year after the D situation happened and I had slowly begun taking "perc 30s" (oxy 30s) that were actually fentanyl. I don't remember weather or not I knew, I think I did. I had been around a guy that would do 4/5 a day. at first I said no, but it didn't take more than two nights of being there for me to give in to what I already knew would make me feel amazing. but that's a story for a different day. The point is, I already was doing fentanyl and I knew It deep down. S told me he could get me some more if I wanted, of course I wanted. he did the exchange and left me in the car a few times while he ran in and got it for me. he didn't want me to meet the dealer, and I knew why. im not perfect, but for a junkie I look pretty good, im only 22. I didn't take long before the dealer opened his door and waved me to come in. I was so happy, I knew S wasn't but I was gonna get these percs for much cheaper. I knew he made money off me but I don't care because I did the same to him. I sat pretty quiet. I remember S giving me a look when the dealer (J) walked out of the room. he was laughing but slightly annoyed, but like I said we've been close since age 12 so it wasn't a big deal. J walked back in the room , he looked at me and smiled "are you sure you want to get these hun? they're the same thing as the brown I have they're just more expensive, you're doing fentanyl either way". wow... I had never had a dealer help me out like that before. its sad that that's my first thought, which just confirms my theory that normal people don't do heroin, you kinda have to be pretty fucked up to do something that you know could kill you just so you can have an escape for a short time. "0h, yeah Id rather be able to get more, you can just give me whatever you can for 60" did I really just say that?? did I just buy heroin? he weighed it out and handed me a bag full of tons of brown powder. I did a small bump and was immediately in heaven. I know people say once you feel heroin, nothing will every be the same. while I agree, I almost feel bad for the people who haven't experienced it. I know that's weird, and I would never offer or push anyone to do heroin, however it is so amazing. will spend the rest of my life hoping to go out in the hospital with a fentanyl drip. I keep having strange dreams about it, god my body wants to be high so fucking bad. if someone walked up to me with dope in their hand, I would grab it and run away to my closet, lock the door and wait for paradise. I love that song. anyways, im gonna keep writing unless the craving becomes unbareable, as fun as it is to reminisce, I miss it so bad and I don't want to slip. at least my brain doesn't want to. my heart says where's the dope. anyways, J slipped me his phone when S wasn't looking, he had the new contact screen open. I can't go any further right now, ill finish this tomorrow
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First Time
I struggled with opiate addiction through high school. I was prescribed 9 oxycodone a day due to a small bulging disk and a shitty doctor. I was also on Vyvanse (which I sold or traded, ew to uppers.) and 2 mg Xanax a day. god I miss that script. I had finally gotten off the opiates at 17/18, but I was never planning on ditching the benzos. my addiction seemed to get better, but really my tolerance was just building so I wasting slurring my words or nodding out anymore. Xanax actually made me wake up. I have such bad anxiety that taking benzos makes it possible for me to function. even now, on Suboxone, I would give up all my meds just to keep my pins. but that's a different story, today were going to talk about heroin. love of my life. I had been asked out by one of my ex boyfriends friends and I thought he was the greatest guy ever. I had never even seen heroin, I don't even think I had ever taken anything other than real oxy 5s at the time. We were talking behind Shaws in his car, I don't remember why. all of a sudden a cop pulled up and started questioning us. I pretended we were having an argument and my ability to cry on command helped I sure. Once the cops pulled away, the guy I was with (lets call him D) let out a huge sigh of relief, "I have heroin in my boot"... "what?" my heart started to beat faster as it always did when I was around drugs. this was different though, this guy wasn't an addict that used everyday, but this was HEROIN. I couldn't tell if I was more scared or excited. I didn't say much and we drove to his house. He pulled a baggy with some brown powder out of his shoe. he played himself out a line and asked me if I wanted one. I had never said no to drugs before, and I certainly wasn't gonna stop now. "sure" my mouth said as my brain screamed no. some small piece of me knew I was never going back the second I felt it. it was so beautiful. just like people describe, a warm blanket on a cold day. numbness. nothingness. writing this now all I want Is to get high. im stuck at home without anything. I laid back on his bed. I was floating and I knew I would never be the same again. once your brain feels heroin, all the normal things in life become so unimportant. If I have heroin, ill feel good forever.
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what's your friends name?
When you are made to feel not enough as a young girl, it will never leave you. while I suppose that's likely true for any gender, the pain you experience as the "ugly friend" or the "fat friend" will stay with you long after you have outgrown the insecurities themselves. Because they don't warn us. they tell us it will get better as we grow older, but they never tell us WHY. I have a theory that the majority of girls who are labelled "sluts" or "hyper-sexual" are former "ugly friends". When I reached 15, I started to receive attention! Maybe I had finally grown into myself and I was now pretty and desirable. They don't teach us the harsh reality that every man will want to be with you, but few will want more than that. Maybe if we weren't so superficial as humans, as girls, maybe how others see us wouldn't hold as much weight. because it never truly leaves you. Why do we place so much value on something no one can control. if it's human nature for men to want to fuck anything that walks, then how are we monogamous?
Why do the same boys that picked on me in high school try to sleep with me now? because it never was about you. it wasn't that you were ugly, but your friends were perceived as prettier. if you shuffled up the class, grade, whatever, there's a good chance you wouldn't be in the same place. and while beauty is subjective, desirability is not.
so what does that mean? it means FUCK EVERYONE. not literally, and if you're like me that's an important distinction.
our looks change, people change, but the FEELINGS we are left with can come back to royally screw us over. I have long passed the age where any man would be rude enough to tell me im ugly. However 100 years could pass and I could still tell you exactly how it feels. exactly the pain and embarrassment and disappointment in yourself makes you want to crawl under a rock and die. Because hundreds of years will pass, beauty standards will change, trends will come and go. I think your appearance determines a lot of your life, and I think there will always be little girls who get excited to see a boy approach them, only to be let down with a laugh and a simple question that speaks a thousand words about your childhood experience.
"your friend is really pretty, what's her name?"
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Welcome to my slice of heroin induced hell
well, I wish it were heroin fueled instead, but I seem to have found myself in the worst possible place for someone who wants to self destruct and get high; my mothers house. I went to bed wanting to use, and woke up in the same mindset. I decided maybe if I remind myself how bad I was, it would help the craving go away. I really should know better by now. I opened the "reddit" app, if you want a bunch of ex drug addicts to praise you for just barely surviving the day/week/year/decade, its a great place to go. I pulled up my go to "before" picture of me in the mirror of my gross apartment bathroom. I had taken the picture about two years prior one morning after doing lines of dope all night. I wanted to see if I looked sober enough for work.. of course I did! pinned, red eyes paired with a skinny sunken face and birkins under my eyes, who would ever know!
okay enough with the sarcasm cause this shit does get dark and I like to deflect. I typed out the typical "thankful for a year sober" which is SUCH a reach. I guess my post was honest, I just left out the part where I slept with a disgusting man twice my age in the recent past. I think the worst part of it all was he didn't even force or pressure me. I completely willingly slept with this disgusting man because I was so freaking happy that he had brought me dope. I don't know why but my trauma only seems to make me want to cause myself more. 3 months ago I took alittle too much Xanax. Benzos were the only thing keeping me off opiates, and I was prescribed a small dose of klonopin so I didn't have to worry about drug screens. Well one night I took an un regulated, pressed Xanax bar and my inhibitions disappeared and were replaced by a slight floaty, happy feeling, along with slight leg cramps that always seem to come with my benzo high (has anyone else experienced this?). Everything was going okay, good even. I was high, had found a new boy/dealer to hangout with (lets call him W), and on top of it all I seemed to actually be functioning.. maybe I could just be a functional user. the ridiculousness of that statement, while apparent, will absolutely not stop me from trying. I could tell the third day when I woke up at Ws house that he was sick of me. im usually painfully self aware, however without any inhibitions, that's a hard act to keep up. I had taken more bars than I could count and drank a few glasses of wine. If I was with my normal breed of scumbag, it wouldn't have mattered. W, however, was the most functioning addict I had ever met. I know he took me somewhere nice, and I know I embarrassed myself as usual, but I was thankful my brain had decided I didn't need to know exactly how. I didn't push myself to stay the night, he seemed to want me to. I didn't have sex with him though, I had been trying to be less trashy. maybe the reason nothing was working out for me was because I was sleeping with them too soon... it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I preferred to live in a state of numb, ignorant drug induced bliss.
W was over me and It was obvious. nothing like the look of someone regretting being with you to make you feel like shit. I had seen this too many times before. He drove me home as soon as he could without being rude, at this point I just wanted to get away from the awkward tension and when he said "bye", I knew I had screwed it up. Maybe that was a trigger for me, its funny how the most obvious concepts usually take the longest for me to grasp. I immediately knew who id call; someone so infatuated with me that I couldn't possibly feel unwanted, plus, he was one of my few remaining friends who I knew would bring me heroin. I texted him and asked him to get a ride over, I wasn't worried about my mom finding out. I had snuck W over a few nights prior, and I was sure I had it down.
In order to finish this, im going to cry alittle.alot of this is very traumatic for me. I have BPD as well as severe anxiety and possible cptsd im not going to do that right now because my audience is 0. on the off chance someone comes across this, thank you for reading. this is as honest an account of heroin addiction that you can find. trying to heal means admitting this stuff.
everything in this post is ALLEGED
#drug blog#drugs tw#drug abuse#iv drugs#dope#addiction#drug stories#perscription#love and other drugs
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