soupsandsandwiches

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You have to laugh 😂

Sure everything is twice as expensive as 3 years ago but at least we also didn't beat covid

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It’s that time of the year again!

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My heart

#beanie #riggle

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Hard lessons

I think one of the worst things about growing into adulthood is learning the difficult lesson of how much to put into a friendship before you decide it’s no longer serving you.

I honestly don’t buy in to the whole, ‘if your friend isn’t matching you at 100%, it means they don’t care about/for you,’ idea. I think friendships eb and flow and depending on the time and situation, one friend may be putting in 90% while the other is just bobbing to keep the friendship alive. I think these are the most beautiful types of friendship because they show mutual support and thoughtfulness over time. In my life, I’ve found these are friendships commonly formed during more formative years - when things were easy but also connection just had a easier foundation (at least in my case).

What I find difficult as an adult is those ‘friendships’ where you’re putting in all of the effort for making plans, for reaching out, for checking in. They’re hard for me because in the presence of these specific types of relationships, everything is lovely and the friendship feels authentic. It’s in the in-between times when I feel like I’m making all the effort that it feels like, ‘hey wait, would this person even notice or care if I stopped trying?’ And I just think that sucks, because friendships as a grown ass adult are hard, and this makes them feel even harder.

I reconnected with a guy I went to college with last week. We went to undergrad together and become friends freshman year, and he transferred after sophomore year. I went to his wedding about 8 years ago and then life happened and we sort of lost touch. He texted me the other day and then we spent almost 2 hours on the phone that night talking about life and everything we’ve missed in each others lives and it was just so damn EASY and that is the connection I mean when I say it’s young and it’s just founded in a shared experience and maybe that’s what makes it so special. I don’t even know, but I know I miss those types friendships a whole lot.

Being an adult is hard, but being an adult and trying to make friends and not feel isolated is even harder. Sigh.

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I spent 3 hours with a patient today, trying to help her transition to hospice. She’s young; a bit younger than my parents. She’s sick.. honestly, she’s sick as fuck. She’s dying. Oncology won’t even offer palliative chemo anymore bc her cancerous mass is incredibly necrotic and despite throwing all the antibiotics at her that we can.. we can’t fix her. I spoke to every family member on the phone today. She wants hospice, but she’s scared. Her family is scared. Everyone knows how much this fucking blows.

She’s mad as hell at life and the system and her insurance and how unfair all of this is. She told me today that ‘what I’ve done to her’ is nothing she’d wish on her worst enemy, and she’s furious.

But she still asked me to come back, over and over again. She still trusted me to discuss hospice with her son. She still trusted me to arrange outpatient hospice care. She’s mad, but I’ve got to believe that she also needed me today, and she knew how much i wanted to help, and it’s why she kept calling me back.

I’m exhausted. I’m spent. I can’t spend 3 hours with one patient because i have so many other patients to care for.

But she asked for me. And she needed me. And i know i must be doing something right. Even when i honestly just don’t have the emotional bandwidth anymore. I must be doing something right.

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I mean honestly yes, but also this just made me chuckle 🥰

Is your dad Ron Swanson? (via blooper2112)

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He reached out a few days later after I checked in, saying he just couldn’t think about dating right now and wouldn’t be able to give me the time and energy i deserve ‘right now.’ Asked if I was okay to stay friends, ‘for now,’ and i obliged: said I’d be happy to go get a beer with him this week. I’m sure I won’t hear from him, but it feels like the ball is on his court. It’s all just so unfair.

About a month and a half ago, I met a guy on bumble. We really connected and hit it off, and when we finally went out had a marathon date that was just wonderful. Great chemistry, lots of opened and honest conversations about what we’re both looking for.. we talked politics, religion, all of it. We ended the night then actually ended up texting for just one more beer bc we both still wanted to spend time together.

A few days later, after great communication, he texted me to tell me he had gone to his best friend’s house to check on him bc he had not heard from him, and found him in bed, and he’d passed away. We initially continued texting for the next several days- those who are long time followers might remember that my best friend died at 32 weeks pregnant four years ago this week.

The last I heard from him, he told me he would be ‘back to his usual and chatty self,’ after the funeral weekend. I knew this wouldn’t be the case because I remember how incredibly raw I felt after Quinn. I remember how impossible it was to fake it, and I can’t imagine I would have wanted to be around a near stranger. I texted him this morning to check in on him, and haven’t heard back. I’m incredibly heart broken for him and this tragedy, and selfishly heart broken for me, as this was the first bumble date I have been on (i think ever?) where I felt such an instant and strong connection. I know that it was mutual, and it just doesn’t matter. It just.. sucks all around. And I don’t know how much space to give him. When he first told me, I told him I’d be there however I could, and if he didn’t ask for things I’d eventually just start showing up. He said he’d appreciate that and would take me up on it. But now.. now I’ve just not heard a word. Ugh, I’m sad for him and sad for me. It’s not fair.

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About a month and a half ago, I met a guy on bumble. We really connected and hit it off, and when we finally went out had a marathon date that was just wonderful. Great chemistry, lots of opened and honest conversations about what we’re both looking for.. we talked politics, religion, all of it. We ended the night then actually ended up texting for just one more beer bc we both still wanted to spend time together.

A few days later, after great communication, he texted me to tell me he had gone to his best friend’s house to check on him bc he had not heard from him, and found him in bed, and he’d passed away. We initially continued texting for the next several days- those who are long time followers might remember that my best friend died at 32 weeks pregnant four years ago this week.

The last I heard from him, he told me he would be ‘back to his usual and chatty self,’ after the funeral weekend. I knew this wouldn’t be the case because I remember how incredibly raw I felt after Quinn. I remember how impossible it was to fake it, and I can’t imagine I would have wanted to be around a near stranger. I texted him this morning to check in on him, and haven’t heard back. I’m incredibly heart broken for him and this tragedy, and selfishly heart broken for me, as this was the first bumble date I have been on (i think ever?) where I felt such an instant and strong connection. I know that it was mutual, and it just doesn’t matter. It just.. sucks all around. And I don’t know how much space to give him. When he first told me, I told him I’d be there however I could, and if he didn’t ask for things I’d eventually just start showing up. He said he’d appreciate that and would take me up on it. But now.. now I’ve just not heard a word. Ugh, I’m sad for him and sad for me. It’s not fair.

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Anyone else in health care being gaslit by the government, society, and their institution into feeling survivor’s guilt because even if things are crappy for you, they’re crappier for somebody else?

Really feeling for my primary care/family medicine, critical care, emergency/urgent/acute care, and mental health colleagues at the moment. This pandemic has been going on way too long, and no one seems to care about the fact that even when things were reopening, you were all still being worked into the ground (and through the crust of the earth into its molten core) by all the ripple effects of this pandemic uncovering the systemic inequities and BS that was just lurking in the shadows before 2019… All the stuff that health care workers, in general, managed to barely keep at bay from their sense of altruism and dedication (now obligation?) to their patients. If I’ve learned anything from COVID-19, it is that everyone will do their best to take advantage of you, and short of doing your job well, you actually don’t owe them anything.

You really do gotta take care of you first, otherwise this system will beat you down to nothing before you even realize it. “Resilience” is great and all, but it’s really just the system shifting all responsibility for surviving its BS onto its victims.

This system has been sick for a very, very long time. It’s gonna need a lot more than a bandaid and some yoga to rehabilitate it.

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Today at work, my attending was blasting Ricky Martin, BSB, Destiny’s Child, NSYNC, etc in the office spare shared by the APPs and docs while we all did our morning chat review. After I manually disimpacted a patient in dire need, he found me in the hallway and elbow bumped a congrats and was legitimately grateful to me for helping.

I am so fucking happy in the job it’s unreal. I had NO IDEA that the work place could be fucking FUN. FUN. He also loves to teach and taught me something every dang day. And on Wednesday we did a lunch and learn about ACS.

I just. It was all worth it 😭😭

#pablr #pac #hospitalistpa #internal medicine #attending

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Merry everything

Just another quick check in from your’s truly. I’ve been at my new job for a little over a month, and I love it. The culture is so different from our main campus. It really does feel like a little family, everyone knows each other, I work with close to 15 APPs (from my previous 1 + myself), and the attendings are varied in their time working (decades to right out of residency) which is so nice. They are always doing things to thank us for our service (scones every Thursday for Thankful Thursday? An embroidered fleece as an annual celebration? Lunches on Wednesday? A LOUNGE? WITH COFFEE? AND SNACKS??? WILD.)

Outside of work, things are good! I actually had to have my gallbladder out earlier this week (I’ve been having stomach pains for years, much much worse after having Covid last year, turns out I had many many stones). I’m five days post op and feeling pretty okay. My dad flew in from out of town to help take care of me, which has been nice. My new boss is incredibly understanding and gave me the time off without question. Feels pretty wild to me. I’m recovering well. Hoping to be back to work by early next week.

Our hospital is more full of Covid patients than it ever has been. As a hospitalist, my exposure to positive patients is much more frequent. Like, multiple folks daily. I’m obviously boosted, but fearful we’ll never get past this. I read about a year in that the average pandemic lasts 4 years. Initially that seemed insane, but now…

Merry merry, happy happy.

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Long time, no update.

I think the last time I sat and wrote in this little corner of the world must’ve been this summer. Just some quick updates… the house reappraised and I made up the difference and moved in end of June. As you may remember (or not 😂), I was unable to leave my job until 9/3. I began applying for positions in mid August and immediately got three offers. Deciding which was the best fit was a challenge, but next Tuesday I start my new job as a hospitalist! I am going to one of the satellites from our big system, which I think will be a good fit. This is actually where I did my rotation as a student, so I’m hopeful. It’s my understanding they’ve had some growing pains (honestly, who DIDN’T during covid!) but they were pretty upfront during the interview about changes. It’s also a nice little raise, significantly better schedule, better commute, etc. I’m extremely hopeful it will be a good fit, but I do welcome positive vibes.

Also, i joined orange theory, and I freaking love it. It’s so fun and challenging and I just think it’s going to continue to help my (wildly deteriorated) mental health. I also found a therapist to see. We’re making moves, folks.

#pac #pablr #therapy #mental health #new job #hospitalistpa

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The job was a bust- totally misrepresented and not what I’m looking for.

The inspection on the house was incredible. The inspector was so impressed with the house for being a 1940 house. Then it appraised.. for 20k less than houses in the neighborhood, and 30k less than i offered. I don’t have that kind of money to make up, so I’m going to contest it but ultimately will probably have to walk away. I’m just so fucking sad.

Long time, no real updates. Today I finished up day 7 out of 10 in a row, and our service is outrageous right now. I work on a TPN team (sole weekend provider) and this weekend I ran with 55 patients on my list. 55 orders to write and care too coordinate and patients to see. My attendings simply don’t care, and the support is virtually nil.

I can either wait until 9/3 to internally transfer (we don’t sign a contract here, but they don’t tell you that you cannot transfer until after 24 months, and my hospital is the big hospital system here so I have very few choices to move outside of my system), or I can find a job at the other hospital system here. I am trying very hard to be selective, because I don’t want to get to my next job and hate it. I took this job because I was a new grad and needed a job, and didn’t realize I’d have to stay for 24 months (it was previously 12). I didn’t expect to like it, but I certainly didn’t expect to hate it. 😔

Starting Thursday, I am on a 10 day vacation to the beach. My mom is selling the beach house (belonged to gparents) at the end of this summer, and I am squeezing in as many visits as I can. However, I got an e-mail last week that I was offered an interview for a dream job. It is smack dab in the middle of my vacation. I wrote back and agreed to come back early, but asked if there was any flexibility on dates. I heard back tonight that they can fit me in this Tuesday before I leave! Please send all the positive vibes. On paper, this is THE job. I am excited to meet the team.

In additional anxiety provoking events, I have put offers on four houses, and finally had an offer accepted last week! My inspection is 12 hours after my interview, on Wednesday morning. I really love this house, so what I’d really like is positive vibes for THAT over the job! 😂

Could be a pretty wild month here. Or could be really sad and full of let downs. The house hunt is so very exhausting. I’m lucky to be in a rental and not forced to move, but I am so beyond ready to not live in this rental any more.

I guess that’s about it! I’ve sadly realized over the last several months that my two attendings at work are honestly abusive. They gaslight me regularly, they speak down to me, they use intimidation factors, and they just don’t give a shit about me. What’s interesting is we just had turnover of half of our service and replaced docs with APPs, so they act as though I’m the leader, dumping extra shit on me. They cannot keep me here past September because I’m free to depart at that point. I am positive the department will take a GIANT hit when I leave. My heart breaks for the patients we care for, but I can’t keep doing this. I didn’t spend 28 months in the hell of PA school just to hate my job. I’m too young for this.

Welp, I guess that’ll do it. I’ll be back with updates. I hope you’re all well. I so enjoy following along in your lives.

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Long time, no real updates. Today I finished up day 7 out of 10 in a row, and our service is outrageous right now. I work on a TPN team (sole weekend provider) and this weekend I ran with 55 patients on my list. 55 orders to write and care too coordinate and patients to see. My attendings simply don’t care, and the support is virtually nil.

I can either wait until 9/3 to internally transfer (we don’t sign a contract here, but they don’t tell you that you cannot transfer until after 24 months, and my hospital is the big hospital system here so I have very few choices to move outside of my system), or I can find a job at the other hospital system here. I am trying very hard to be selective, because I don’t want to get to my next job and hate it. I took this job because I was a new grad and needed a job, and didn’t realize I’d have to stay for 24 months (it was previously 12). I didn’t expect to like it, but I certainly didn’t expect to hate it. 😔

Starting Thursday, I am on a 10 day vacation to the beach. My mom is selling the beach house (belonged to gparents) at the end of this summer, and I am squeezing in as many visits as I can. However, I got an e-mail last week that I was offered an interview for a dream job. It is smack dab in the middle of my vacation. I wrote back and agreed to come back early, but asked if there was any flexibility on dates. I heard back tonight that they can fit me in this Tuesday before I leave! Please send all the positive vibes. On paper, this is THE job. I am excited to meet the team.

In additional anxiety provoking events, I have put offers on four houses, and finally had an offer accepted last week! My inspection is 12 hours after my interview, on Wednesday morning. I really love this house, so what I’d really like is positive vibes for THAT over the job! 😂

Could be a pretty wild month here. Or could be really sad and full of let downs. The house hunt is so very exhausting. I’m lucky to be in a rental and not forced to move, but I am so beyond ready to not live in this rental any more.

I guess that’s about it! I’ve sadly realized over the last several months that my two attendings at work are honestly abusive. They gaslight me regularly, they speak down to me, they use intimidation factors, and they just don’t give a shit about me. What’s interesting is we just had turnover of half of our service and replaced docs with APPs, so they act as though I’m the leader, dumping extra shit on me. They cannot keep me here past September because I’m free to depart at that point. I am positive the department will take a GIANT hit when I leave. My heart breaks for the patients we care for, but I can’t keep doing this. I didn’t spend 28 months in the hell of PA school just to hate my job. I’m too young for this.

Welp, I guess that’ll do it. I’ll be back with updates. I hope you’re all well. I so enjoy following along in your lives.

#pablr #pa #pac #job hunt #houses