#<- kinda? it's supposed to be more about buck and his realization but tommy is a big part of that lol
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I can finally breathe
7x04 coda, Buck's pov, 756 words
posted the beginning of it for fif, but I wrote more so here's the whole thing lol
[also on Ao3]
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Oh. Oh. Oooh. So that’s- that’s what it was. Huh.
That’s the first thing going through his mind as Tommy kisses him. It’s like- it’s like a piece of the puzzle finally sliding into place, after years and years of searching, looking for something to fill that space with, that feeling of something being missing. It’s almost weird, really, how easy it feels, how he’s more relieved than freaked out. Because this- oh, this makes so much sense. He’s into guys. He’s been into guys. And right now, at this moment, he’s into Tommy.
Holy shit, he’s into Tommy.
Buck’s mind has been a whirlwind of chaos and confusion and frustration for days, but now, when Tommy kisses him, it all silences. Just to start anew as they part, butterflies in his stomach so intense he feels like he might float, as a slow smile spreads across his face when Tommy pulls away.
This is the part of himself he’s been looking for, he’s been denying himself, he’s been silencing for so long. He doesn’t know why now, why Tommy, what it all means and where it’s leading. But he knows that now he feels almost… complete, feels like himself, feels at ease. Feels like Buck.
He feels giddy with excitement when Tommy asks him out, and finds that as soon as the door closes behind him, Buck already can’t wait to see him again. Jesus, he has a crush. He’s a grown man in his thirties, just now finding out he’s into guys, and he has a goddamn crush on a guy, and that’s why he’s been acting like a teenager. It makes so much sense now, and Buck feels- well, he’s embarrassed because of his idiotic behavior, and guilty for maiming his best friend, but most of all he just feels relieved. Because he knows now, knows why he’s been so bent out of shape about this whole situation, and can put a name to those feelings. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest, that he didn’t even know was there.
He’s going on a first date on Saturday. With a guy. With Tommy. The thought makes a happy and a little dazed chuckle bubble out of his chest as he stands there in his kitchen, thinking about that kiss, his stomach doing flips. It was a nice kiss. A very nice kiss. He really wants to kiss him again. He wants to go on a date and kiss and hold hands, and do it all with a man he’s attracted to, and, god, he can’t wait. He’s also very grateful no one can see him or read his thoughts, because this crush deal is, frankly, embarrassing. He feels so silly, but he doesn’t even care, because he also feels over the fucking moon right now.
His face is burning and he can’t stop smiling as he goes about the rest of his evening, feeling weirdly light and relieved, like never before. He knows he doesn’t have it all figured out just yet, but at least he found out this one thing about himself, and it feels… it feels life-changing, in a way. It kind of is. This realization he just had, it’s- it’s huge, but instead of throwing him into more confusion, it settles him, tilts his askew world upright. Things are finally starting to make sense.
He’s into dudes. But he knows for a fact he’s into girls, too. So, what does that make him? Bisexual? Maybe? He already knows he’s going to overthink that and have to do some research to figure out what fits, what it all means, and reevaluate some of his past behavior in this new light. But for now- for now he’s just going on a date. He can take it one step at a time, both his sexuality and this new thing with Tommy, and figure it out at his own pace, and he hopes Tommy will be patient with him while he does that. Because- because he really likes the guy, and he wants the date to go well, and maybe, hopefully, it’ll lead to something more. He thinks he’d really, really like that.
Whatever the future brings, as of right now Buck just feels like something finally clicked and things started making sense for once in his life. He’s not as lost anymore. He feels like he can finally breathe. He found the missing piece of him, and he’s honestly excited, if just a little anxious, to explore that further.
#911 spoilers#7x04 coda#evan buckley#bi buck#bucktommy#<- kinda? it's supposed to be more about buck and his realization but tommy is a big part of that lol#wikiangela writes#911 fic#ficlet#bi buck fic#my writing#911 abc#the title took me longer than writing this and i don't like it but also can't come up with anything else and i don't care anymore lol
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Kinda just going to share some things that are going through my mind.
"""I do think Eddiebhas been acting OOC but my problem is I can't tell if its lazy writing to make Buck act put or if it will be addressed in a way.""""
I have to see if i can find it, but someone on tumblr had a great theory that it wasn't just 7:04 that we see things from Bucks point of view, but that most of the "buddies moments" this season have all been from Buck's point of view. They had some great insight on how they detailed the scenes and how they came to that conclusion. I found it interesting but darn if I didn't remember to save it. Maybe someone else who knows more about how to search Tumblr would be able to find it. All I remember is they had Eddie and Buck in their profile pic and that isn't a lot to go on to find it again.
Another thing that keeps crossing my mind is... while I doubt it is going to happen, people keep mentioning that if there ends up being a buddie kiss in the next epi, that It would be just like buck and lucy kissing and cheating. Yet... Tommy isn't Buck's bf at this point. So it wouldn't be. They had one partial date, and they met for coffee. That isn't bfs. Heck, they are barely seeing each other at this point. (now Eddie would be a different story) I'm just confused about how people have gone from one failed date and one coffee date to BOOM. They are bfs, and they are endgame. like what?? My friends would think I was insane if I went out with someone once and said we were in a relationship. We don't even know if they will even get to the point of an official relationship. For all we know, exploring his bisexuality means that Buck and Tommy go out on a few dates and things fizzle. We honestly don't know at this point. I just mean there are levels to dating here and they are definitely not at the bf/bf stage at this point.
I don't dislike Tommy (outside of the fact that there was nothing about his behaviors of the past); however, it is highly doubtful that he is endgame, and I'm kind of stunned that so many are acting like Buddie is all overbased off of some upcoming dating between the two. I mean even with him having been on the show before, we knew more about Ali and Taylor at this point than we do of Tommy. (we only know more about tommy compared to marisol because he was on the show before) Tommy is just a way for Buck to explore in a healthy manner. Im cool with that.
I do find it interesting that we are getting more and more information about things such as They tried to have Bi buck seasons before. Bucks story arc now was meant for Eddie. Heck it seems like almost every interview at some point mentions Buddie in some way shape or form. Its just different than before. And they had to know people would go crazy overhearing that Bi Buck was already supposed to happen. They had to know people would go insane over the Tommy/eddie. And I Still maintain that it makes no sense to literally sell Tommy as a duplicate Eddie without a reason. Especially when you realize that the Episode was from Bucks's point of view, which means his subconscious knows, even if he himself hasn't figured it out yet. Right now, Tommy is safe, and there isn't any extra drama with him. so it's easy to convince yourself that THAT is who you were trying to attract.
I do think it is ridiculous that people are trying to curb peoples comments for buddie or for tommy/Buck (yeah I get it for the really toxic bad comments but I mean even if someone just says we are still waiting for buddie, really? is that something to attack them about? Or if someone post Tommy/Buck are so cute, is that really something to lose it over?
Share what you enjoy and keep it moving folks.
Wow. Great rant anon. I love reading these long asks. Thanks for saying all those things. I agree with all of it.
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Gateway Drug | Part Fifty-Seven
A/N: this is kinda raunchy. I'm not sorry.
Word count: 4K
Warning(s): explicit language, explicit sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse
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1981
"...Shh." Nikki chuckles out in a smile, his hand over my mouth as he comes up for a second so I can calm down. "If your parents hear you, I'm fucked."
"I'm sorry, you've been going down on me the past hour, I'm really sensetive right now, and I thought you didn't care." I whisper, quoting him from something he's said before.
He just smirks.
"I thought about it and decided if we get caught, I won't be able to do this..." He tugs my nipple with his teeth for a moment, causing me to gasp out. "...or this..." he pushes two fingers into my slick cunt and I arch my back, the delicious friction causing my body to crave more. "...or this." He goes back to where he was, his tongue working at my swollen clit.
I take in a sharp breath, trying to keep from moaning too loud as he devours me and every last drop of sticky-sweet running out of me.
"Oh, fuck, daddy." I whine out, my hips bucking up, grinding against his feasting mouth, only causing him to move his tongue faster and more deliberately.
He hums at the sound, his dark eyes glancing up at me, his hands keeping my thighs spread wide open as he sucks at my clit, making my eyes roll back, my toes curl, and a wanton moan leaves my lips as my pussy tenses and relaxes repeatedly, wanting to be filled and abused.
Nikki finishes licking the cum from between my legs, before laying beside me as my exhausted body tries to wind down.
"You don't want me to do anything for you?" I ask him, taking deep breaths, blinking slowly at him.
He shakes his head, giving me a little smile, before pulling the covers up to my chin so I don't have to.
"No, Viv, getting to eat you for over an hour straight is repayment enough." He chuckles and my face burns red.
"Quit saying it like that." I cover my face with my hands.
"That's what I was doing, was it not?"
"I guess, but you don't have to be so..." I wrinkle my nose for a second. "...I don't know."
"Oh, so you can call me 'daddy' but when I call it 'eating', it's the end of the world?" He looks at me and I narrow my eyes at him.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I deny his accusation and he raises his brows.
"Oh, please, Viv, you scream it out like a bitch in heat almost everytime we fuck around."
"Fine, then, I'll stop." I shrug and he snaps his attention to me.
"I didn't say I didn't like it, it's just amusing to hear it from you, of all people, Saint Viv."
"Shut up, Devil Spawn." I shove at his arm.
"Ow." He complains, rubbing his hand over where I hit him, pretending to be hurt.
I roll my eyes and he mocks me, causing me to shove at his arm again.
"Do it again, see what happens." He threatens and I, spitefully, do it again.
I don't have time to react before he's snatching me onto him, grasping my wrists in his hands as he tickles at my stomach, causing me to double over and try to keep from waking my parents.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I whisper yell and he stops, allowing me to catch my breath and he laughs arrogantly, his rough palms rubbing up and down my thighs, calmly, his smile slowly starting fade as he looks up at me.
"What is it?" I ask him, self-consciously pulling the covers back around me to cover my chest.
"You're beautiful." He says lowly, his hand coming up to brush my red hair from my face.
"Don't be weird." I say in regards to whatever the hell is happening between us.
We've only messed around a handful of times and I've been trying not to get attached because there's no point. I don't need him bullshitting me just for the hell of it.
"I'm being honest, Viv. You are."
"So is every other girl you have fun with. We're already fooling around anytime either of us wants it, you can stop trying to tell me nice stuff so I'll let you between my legs, Nikki." I laugh it off, but the sting of the truth strikes through my body.
"The other girls are nice to look at, but are grade-A hangers-on. They could give less of a fuck as long they're getting boned by a rockstar, they don't care." He replies.
Apparently the look I give him is one of doubt.
"I'm always right." He states sarcastically with a toothy grin. "So if I say you--despite being a pain in the ass--are beautiful, then there's no arguing about it." He adds and I try not to make my overjoyed smile obvious, instead leaning down, pressing my lips to his.
1987
"Another vehicle, Nikki, are you kidding me?!" I scream as he simultaneously says, "don't fucking start, Viv!"
He can't be serious.
"Do you not remember that notice we got about the $5,000 a day in heroin being spent, Nikki, or did that just fly over your head? We have bills, we have have things that we need to prioritize and what do you do?! Buy another car!"
He just ignores me, grabbing a paper bag from the fridge.
I give up on fighting, tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks as I grab my car keys to just get the hell out of here.
He had gotten a brand new Mercedes Benz after I had asked him to wait until we got more money from the album and the tour. He decided we had enough money and went for it.
I angrily wrap packing tape around the cardboard box packed full of Steven's things, seeing him flinch each time the tape let out a squeak from me manhandling it.
"You good, Viv?" He asks me cautiously and I glare at him.
"I married a junkie who's mission is to damn near give me a heart attack anyway he possibly can whether it's with his drug abuse or simply spending money we don't necessarily have." I state. "So, no, Stevie. I could be better."
"Oh...I'm sorry." He mumbles.
"It's called D-I-V-O-R-C-E. They're perfect in situations such as your's and could really benefit you and him." Izzy sarcastically let's out, raising his brows and I slowly turn to look at him with a death glare. "Or suffer, that's a good option, too." He shrugs.
"We don't want that." I state as Duff comes in the living room from the kitchen.
"Not what I've heard." Izzy scoffs back. "Sixx talks when he's smacked out."
"And what exactly does 'Sixx' say?" I ask, raising my brows.
I can feel Steven making motions to Izzy from behind me, and I turn to look at him only to see him pretending to rub the bottom of his jaw with his knuckles.
It's obvious he was just running his hand against his neck in a "stop" motion to Izzy.
"Uh, n-nothing." Duff puts in as an unsettling tension settles in, like the three of them are on a level of understanding that I'm not aware of.
"Guys, seriously, what does he say?" I ask.
"It's not really what he says as much as what he does." Izzy let's out carefully and Duff glares at him.
"What does he do?"
"Cries." Duff states.
"Yeah." Steven adds.
"Like a little bitch." Izzy sighs.
I look at them for a moment before deciding to not ask anything else.
"Okay, Steven, here." I finish taping his box of stuff.
"Thanks, Viv." He replies, picking the box up, and suddenly every nude magazine he owns is spilling onto the floor from the bottom of the box.
"Aw, dude, that wasn't suppose to happen." Steven states and I hand the tape to Duff when he offers to retape it, before plopping down beside Izzy.
The difference in Fred, Mick, Duff, Steven, Izzy, Slash and Axl keeping the Vanity situation from me, and Tommy, Vince, Doc, and Tansy, keeping it from me was that Vince, Doc, Tommy and Tansy were protecting Nikki.
Everyone else thought they were protecting me, instead they would constantly down Nikki about it, trying to get him to stop his shit.
It would have been nice for someone to tell me instead of having me looking like an absolute dumbass in front of God and everyone.
But I can see why they would think I couldn't handle that information at that time.
"Baby, c'mon, Tommy and I leave in a couple hours." Nikki pleads with me over the phone.
"Okay, so just days ago I was a 'psycho cunt' and you bought a brand new car a couple days ago just to spite me, and now I'm 'baby' again?" I question him.
"We fucked last night, Viv." He states and I sigh.
"We have sex because we're horny, Nikki, not because either of us are sorry for whatever we fight about." I point out and he groans.
"Just get down here and tell me 'bye', please?" He asks and I let out a breath.
"Fine, I'll be down there in a few minutes." I tell him, rolling my eyes.
How Nikki's logic worked:
Sex = apology.
I had accepted that, but a few months into '87, I realized sex didn't fix anything. It just swept it under the rug and allowed the both of us to pretend nothing was wrong.
The rug was starting to have so much dirt swept under it, it wasn't even laying flat on the floor anymore.
I shut the door of my car, Nikki waiting for me outside in his sunglasses, despite it being night out, his cocky smirk plastered on his lips at the fact that I came when he snapped his fingers, like always.
He holds a cassette out to me and I raise a brow, unamused.
"An apology for being an asshole." He tells me.
On the label reads "You're All I Need."
"Remember that song I wanted to write for you?" He asks and I nod, not necessarily knowing how to feel.
"I'll see you when you get back." I let out, giving a tight smile, opening my car door but he shuts it quickly, turning me to face him.
"That's it? No 'thank you', no 'goodbye' kiss, no nothing?" He questions me.
"I'm still upset over our fight Nikki."
"We always have bullshit fights, Viv. We say shit we don't mean all the time."
"Okay, but we're getting too comfortable saying hurtful things to each other, are we not?" I point out, and he sighs, shaking his head a little.
"We tried therapy, it didn't work, so. I don't know what to tell you."
"We went to a handful of sessions, Nikki, before you refused to go after Nona passed away." I remind him.
"Because we were both miserable in those sessions."
"Well, it's nearly one year later and we're still miserable." I state and he furrows his brows.
"Being married to me makes you miserable?" He hisses out.
"I didn't mean it like that, I just mean--"
"--Great, well, I'll see you in five days." He cuts me short, hurt over what I said, stepping to the door.
"That's not what I meant, Nikki." I follow after him and grasp at his wrist. "I meant the both of us are getting more and more unhappy."
"I'm fine." He pipes. "I'm sorry if you're antidepressant stopped working or something but I'm fantastic, Viv."
"You're fantastic?"
"Yep."
People who are doing "fantastic" don't self-medicate but okay.
"I'll do better." He says to me, smiling down at me reassuringly. "Alright?"
I nod, and he looks me up and down for a moment before catching my lips with his.
His Jack flavored tongue meets mine, eliciting a soft hum from me as his hands hold at my waist, my fingers lacing in his hair.
We take a few steps back and I feel my legs hit the front of my Corvette. I drop the tape to push his jacket off his shoulders when he nudges for me to sit back on the hood of my car, already knowing where this is going.
His lips trail down my neck, his teeth nipping at my hardened nipples through my dress, causing me to giggle and moan simultaneously, my fingers running through his teased hair.
He stands up straight to unbuckle his belt, the sight of his prick desperate to get out of his pants has a wave of pleasure sweeping up my back, my hand pulling my dress up to run over the soft fabric of my panties, the toe of my heel gently traveling up the inside of his leather covered thigh.
He stops me just before I can trace over the bulge in his pants, his hand gripping my ankle, his fingers of his other hand untying the lace of his pants.
I sit up, reaching my hand out to free his cock, but he grabs at my jaw, forcing me to look at him.
"No, no." He wags his finger at me with a slick smile and my mouth waters when he pulls himself from his pants, precum already beading at his tip.
He sees me eyeing it, purposely wrapping his fist around his shaft to jerk of a couple of times, causing even more of the liquid to leak from him.
"Go ahead have a taste because every last drop is going in that pretty pussy so you remember who's you are while I'm gone."
My core tenses up, evidence of my arousal wetting my panties at his words and I don't hesitate to swipe my thumb across his tip, enjoying his jaw tensing at the contact, before making a show of sucking my thumb into my mouth to lick it off.
He stares at me and I blink up at him, taking my thumb from my mouth, waiting for him to make the next move.
And oh, does he.
He's impatiently pushing my dress to my hips and yanking my panties off, holding at one of my legs as his fingers trail between my legs to my clit.
I let out a harsh breath when he lightly runs the pad of his thumb over the sensitive nerves, watching my face.
I have to bite my lip in order to keep from cursing at him teasing me, and he licks his lips before taking his dick in his hand, rubbing the head against my clit, watching as my eyes close and a whimper leaves my lips.
I feel my pulse in my core, and the ache of utter need has me giving him my best "fuck me" eyes I can muster up.
"Does my little slut wanna be fucked?" He asks and I nod, looking at him with my eyes half-open.
I shudder when he drags his tip to my hungry cunt, slowly, agonizingly, sliding into me.
My back arches as he gives me the time to feel his girth stretching me, and he grins, his head falling back, his hands pushing my thighs against the hood of the car.
"I will never get over how fucking tight you are." He tells me in an almost moan, pulling back out again and slowly sliding back in, time looking down to see himself thrusting in and out of me.
"So good." I let out softly, my hands pinching at my nipples through my dress and he starts to pick up the pace, causing me to gasp and moan with every thrust as he goes deep into me, hitting my cervix.
I remember where we're at and I put my hand over my mouth to keep from drawing attention from the street incase anyone can hear me.
Nikki doesn't like that.
"Keep your fucking hand down." He orders, pulling my hand from my mouth. "I want them to know you're getting fucked, I want them to know who's fucking cock you're taking inch for fucking inch." He states, and I moan quietly at his words, still not wanting to draw attention.
My walls tighten and loosen around him as he continues to drive into me, my sounds of pleasure getting louder and louder with my loss of control and Nikki's determination.
His fingers quickly go back and fort against my clit, causing me to let out an unexpected cry, my hand holding at his wrist to try to get him to stop but he won't.
"Good girl." He praises me for not trying to hide my pleasure, grunting at the feeling of my pussy tightening around him.
The wet sound of him moving in and out of me mixed with my cries and he cursing fills my ears.
"Harder, Nikki, please." I beg, a masochistic part of me not wanting to walk right for a couple days.
I don't have to ask twice, his hand's around my throat, his fingers roughly stimulating my clit while his prick mercilessly starts pounding into my weeping cunt, only causing me to moan the best that I can with him choking me.
The two of us look at each other in pure ecstacy and I smugly grin before opening my mouth, sticking my tongue out.
His hand grasps at my throat a little tighter as he leans forward and spits in my mouth, only letting his grip loosen briefly so I can swallow it.
Our bodies are now drenched in sweat and I'm growing closer and closer, squeezing around him so tightly I think he's having to force himself not to finish before I do.
I'm probably looking up at him like he's a god, mesmerized by the sheen of sweat covering his chest, his thumb of his hand around my throat softly swiping the skin of my neck, sweetly contradicting his roughness.
"Oh, daddy, I'm gonna come." I gasp out. It's been a while since I've called him that in bed and it's only motivating him to go harder. "Fuck!" I mewl, squeezing my eyes shut as I tighten around him even more before my orgasm hits and my pussy's spasming in hopes of getting every last bit of his load.
He groans from the sensation before I feel him push back into me, forcing himself against my cervix, hot cum coating the inside of me.
"What the fuck?!" Tommy screams in a high pitch, and Nikki and I startle, looking in the direction of the door to see Tommy and Vince standing there, just walking out, but being met with Nikki inside me, with his hand around my throat and me moaning.
I'm horrified, Tommy's traumatized, Vince is probably wishing he had his camera, and Nikki's...well...
"Hahaha!" Nikki let's out, pulling my dress down my legs so I don't flash Tommy or Vince. "Sorry." He says next, tucking himself back into his pants, picking his jacket up off the ground as I scramble to get off the car, wincing at the feeling Nikki's cum about to start running out of me.
My face is bright red and Tommy looks like he's about to cry.
"I came out here to tell you 'bye' and-and..." he can't finish speaking, disgust on his face.
"Nikki was telling you 'bye', too." Vince laughs out and I glare at him.
"I'm sorry we fool around, T-bone, jeez." Nikki chuckles.
"'Fooling around' is a blowjob. This," he grabs his own throat and pulls his own hair. "Is something I don't want to see Viv in."
"She's the one who's into it." Nikki argues and my eyes bug as I feel even more embarrassed.
"Nikki, what the hell?!" I ask him as Tommy looks even more worried.
"Aww, man, this is great." Vince sighs out, grinning.
"Viv, I love you, I'll see you in a few days." Tommy let's out, avoiding eye contact with me.
I don't want to face him at the moment either.
"Love you, Tommy, bye." I reply as he heads to their car that just pulled up.
I grab the tape from the ground and my panties, and Nikki takes the skimpy undergarment from my hand and puts it in his jacket pocket.
I just look at him.
"What?" He asks. "It's a token of your affection to remind me of you when I miss you on those cold, lonely nights."
"You'll be gone less than a week, Nikki."
"You want me to think of you or not?" He points out and I can't hide my smile, chuckling at his bullshit.
His eyes shift to the tape in my hand, and his face falls for a second as if he regrets giving it to me.
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah, um...just...don't take lyrics too seriously." He tells me and I raise my brows.
"What?"
The car honks the horn and he looks at them as Tommy's standing out of the sunroof.
"Dude, c'mon, we're gonna miss the flight!" He tells Nikki.
Nikki turns back to me, giving me a little smile, kissing me sweetly.
"I'll call you when we get to the hotel." He assures me, kissing me again.
"Okay, be careful." I say.
"I'm sorry, Viv, alright?" He says next, and I think he's apologizing for the "Wild Side" ordeal and buying a new car we could barely afford.
I'm about to say "I am, too" but he cuts me off, kissing me yet again.
"See ya, Sixx." He whispers, smirking to me.
"See ya, Sixx." I reply in the same tone.
With one last kiss, he's telling Vince 'bye' and making his way to the car.
I rub my lips together, noticing Vince has this amused look on his face as I step to my car.
"What, Vince?" I ask.
"Nothing. Enjoy the song." He tells me before walking to his bike.
I go home, clean myself up, change and head to the Franklin Plaza where Duff, Axl, Izzy, Slash and Steven are staying currently.
The second Steven opens the door, I'm waving the tape.
"He doesn't hate me!" I exclaim, handing the tape to Axl--who bet $50 that Nikki and I would divorce this year--as he's smoking his cigarette.
"'You're All I Need'." He reads the title, looking at Duff and Izzy who're on one of the suits' couches. "What, is it an ode to heroin?" He asks and I cut my eyes at him.
"Seriously, man?" Slash questions him, unamused.
"No, Axl, it's not." I state.
"Well, let's listen to it." Stevie excitedly says.
Soon enough we have it playing, hearing a beautiful piano ballad backed with Mick's guitar, Nikki's bass and Tommy's drums.
"The blade of my knife
Faced away from your heart
Those last few nights
It turned and sliced you apart
This love that I tell
Now feels lonely as hell
From this padded prison cell"
The lyrics of the first verse sound as with each passing second, everyone's looking more and more confused, glancing at each other while I try to make sense of whatever metaphor he's using.
"So many times I said
You'd only be mine
I gave my blood and my tears
And loved you cyanide
When you took my lips
I took your breath
Sometimes love's better off dead"
He can't be saying what it sounds like he's saying.
"You're all I need make you only mine
I love you so I set you free
I had to take your life
You're all I need, you're all I need
And I loved you but you didn't love me."
"Umm...Viv...I don't think this is about how much he loves you." Izzy speaks out.
"Laid out cold
Now we're both alone
But killing you helped me keep you home."
"I-Is he singing about killing me?!" I ask, nearly at a loss for words.
"I guess it was bad
Cause love can be sad
But we finally make the news."
"This bastard is singing about killing me!"
"Dude, didn't he actually try to kill you?" Steven asks me and I raise my brows.
"Tied up smiling
I thought you were happy
Never opened you--"
Duff stops the tape, snatching it from the player before tossing it on the floor and stomping it to pieces with his cowboy boot.
There's a long, long silence between all of us, and I force myself not to cry in front of all of them.
"I guess that fifty bucks is still on the table, then?" Axl shatters the silence.
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Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
This is another treasure from the dollar bin at Wal-Mart, and unlike some movies I have acquired thus (Samson vs the Vampire Women comes to mind) it was actually worth spending a buck on. It’s bizarre and hilarious and put me in mind of MST3K even before it became a Rifftrack – and the Rifftrack is great. It gets off to a very strong start with Mike laughing out loud and going, “no seriously, what’s the real title?”
Abraxas is a Finder, one of ‘the cops of the universe’. His partner Secudus has gone rogue and is out to create a being called the Comator, who will solve the Anti-Life Equation. What does that mean? I have no fucking idea but it’s definitely bad, so Abraxas is sent to stop him. Secundus is eventually captured, but not before he impregnates a woman named Sonya, who promptly (and I do mean promptly) gives birth to her son Tommy. Abraxas is ordered to kill Sonya and Tommy both, but spares them – which just means that six years later, Secundus can escape from prison again and returns to Earth to claim his son. This is all set to music that sounds like a Kenny G. Christmas album.
This entire movie is just one big what. You can usually tell what they’re going for but the execution is always weird, starting with the title. Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe sounds like a shitty 80’s cartoon created to advertise a line of cheap action figures. What the film actually is, is a ripoff of Terminator II: Judgment Day, and nobody much bothers to try to hide that. There’s a precocious little boy with a very important destiny, his independent and protective mother, and two equally threatening burly dudes, one of whom is trying to kill him and one of whom is trying to protect him. A family dynamic forms between good Burly Dude and the mother and son, while bad Burly Dude pursues them implacably until the final showdown between good and evil.
Because the makers of Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe couldn’t afford to be sued by James Cameron, they have of course made a number of changes to the story, most notably using aliens instead of robots from the future, but the script gives the impression of having been written in too much of a hurry to get these changes right. For example, one of the rules of the Terminator universe is that you can’t take anything with you back in time, so nobody has any weapons or even any clothing from the future. Abraxas doesn’t need to keep this rule, but it does anyway, by ‘crossing the teleportation streams’ or something so that both Abraxas and Secundus lose their weaponry (but not, thank god, their clothes) on their way to Earth. There’s no reason for this, it’s only there because it was there in the Terminator movies.
Occasionally the movie tries to be funny. It rarely works – the only bit that actually got a snicker out of me on purpose was when a waitress presented Secundus with his bill and he ate it. The rest of the jokes just fall flat. There’s a scene in which one alien snippily informs another that “parsecs are not an appropriate Earth time unit!”, and it’s obvious what they’re referencing but that’s not the same as being funny. Another really bizarre moment has Abraxas telling some campers that the artificial intelligence implanted in his wrist, his ‘Answer Box’, can find Secundus by detecting his vibrational frequency, and what he actually says is “my Box has V.D.” Was that a joke? If so, was Ventura in on it? Or did somebody just think it would be really funny to trick him into saying that his vagina has an STI? What?
On a similar note, there’s a bit where Abraxas, sitting in bed with no shirt on, tells Tommy he’s going to tell him a story ‘about two men who were partners’. I’m at least pretty sure that wasn’t an intentional innuendo but man, it’s an icky thing for a large hairy man to say to a six-year-old boy.
The main thing people who’ve seen this movie remember about it is the soundtrack, which is entirely inexplicable. There’s one little strain that really does sound like the opening to I’ll be Home for Christmas on alto saxophone, and the fact that the whole movie happens in the winter only heightens the effect. This is the entire score, too – Sonya contemplates killing her child, then decides against it, to saxophone music. Abraxas and Secundus pursue each other through the woods to saxophone music. The one major exception is the song that plays over the final showdown and that’s equally out of place. What were they thinking?
Performances and casting are weird. Ventura and Sven-Ole Thorsen mostly come across as robotic, which is okay for nigh-immortal defenders of the cosmos but quickly crumbles when they’re supposed to display emotion, as when Secundus proudly addresses Tommy as ‘my son’ or when Abraxas starts to develop feelings for Sonya. I have no idea how old Sonya is supposed to be – an early scene with her parents suggests that she’s a teenager but Marjorie Bransfield (Jim Belushi’s wife, if you’re interested) is clearly thirty-odd and nobody tries to make her look younger. Everybody else is kinda low-level bad with one rather stunning exception, and that’s Francis Mitchell as Tommy.
Tommy never speaks throughout the movie, until he finally gets two words in voiceover at the end – this means that his entire character arc must be communicated non-verbally. We see that Tommy loves his mother, that he knows he has strange powers and is afraid of them and the harm he could do with them, and that he’s terrified of Secundus but doesn’t know if he should trust Abraxas either. Mitchell isn’t a brilliant child actor but he’s good enough in a movie where very little even rises to that level, and that’s fairly impressive.
If this movie has a point, it’s that there is no destiny – Tommy can be the Comator and bring about the end of the universe, but he doesn’t have to be if he doesn’t want to. He can choose how he uses his powers. This is the same thing Kyle Reese tells Sarah Connor in The Terminator: the future isn’t written yet, and our choices are important. In this one instance, Abraxas actually manages to make its point a bit better than Terminator did, because it doesn’t have the time travel. The story of Terminator was a closed loop: John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to meet Sarah so that John can be born. All this must happen because in a sense it already did. Abraxas is not chained to its own ending in this way, and so Tommy’s destiny is entirely his own without requiring a sequel to make it so.
This is also, as the summary implies, a film about rape, and the way the topic is treated ties in with the idea of our destiny being based on our choices. When Secundus kidnaps Sonya, he tells her I need your body, and makes it clear that he will use it with or without her consent. When she comes home with an infant, her father throws her out, accusing her of being sexually irresponsible. Sonya herself is tempted to do violence to the child who will always remind her of this traumatic evening.
But Sonya is actually a pretty tough cookie. She defends herself to her father, telling him she has nothing to be ashamed of. When she finds herself out in the cold, she picks herself up and builds a life for herself and her child, and she never lets the awful circumstances of Tommy’s conception colour how she treats him. Because Sonya raises him with love and support, Tommy is able to understand that his destiny does not have to be destruction. He can at last allow himself to speak, knowing his words will harm no one unless he chooses.
That’s honestly a really powerful arc for a movie, but Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe doesn’t use it effectively. The acting is way too bad and the situations far too silly for it to have an impact, and the ending focuses on Abraxas and Secundus fighting when it should be about Tommy’s internal struggle. Admittedly, external fistfights are way easier to film, but Sonya and Tommy are the emotional crux of this story, and after the arcs they’ve been through they deserve better than to be spectators at the end.
At some point in the writing process for this movie somebody seems to have realized that if Abraxas is going to be the main character he needs to learn something or evolve somehow, so that’s what they try to do. How do they do that? They have him learn emotions. Yes, it’s really corny. Yes, it involves falling in love with Sonya and deciding to retire and stay on Earth. I wonder… if they have more children, will they do it the human way, or will Abraxas hold a hand over her stomach while his Answer Box announces reproduction commenced? The other way they show us Abraxas learning emotion is having him argue with his Answer Box and eventually tell it to shut up, signifying that he’s becoming less of a machine, himself. The movie seems to think this is really funny but it’s not.
After two pages of complaining I need to reiterate that Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe is not annoying-bad, it’s hilarious-bad. In true B-movie style, its entertainment value lies in the disconnect between what the film-makers were going for and the result they produced. It’s much like Space Mutiny that way, trying so hard to be epic and falling comically short, and it would have made for similarly classic MST3K.
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200 Questions
No one asked me to do it but I made @sharpiewashere do it so it’s only fair I suffer through, too.
200: My crush’s name is: Zach because husband but also... Tommy motherfuckin’ Flanagan
199: I was born in: New Hampshire
198: I am really: horny and annoyed
197: My cellphone company is: Verizon
196: My eye color is: Brown
195: My shoe size is: like 10.5W I think.
194: My ring size is: I think it’s a 9.
193: My height is: 5’ 3”
192: I am allergic to: cats and crop dust
191: My 1st car was: old ass shitty Jeep Grand Cherokee
190: My 1st job was: at a stand in a city mall where we had an inflatable slide and two bounces houses and served sno cones, smoothies, and novelty ice creams
189: Last book you read: Fangs by Sarah Andersen
188: My bed is: fuckin’ broken and uncomfortable and clearly not big enough for myself and my bedhog husband.
187: My pet: 1 old black cat.
186: My best friend: Yuki (that bitch is my best best best friend and I miss her to pieces)
185: My favorite shampoo is: Garnier Whole Blends: Honey Treasures
184: Xbox or ps3: Fuck both. Switch.
183: Piggy banks are: cute
182: In my pockets: nada at the moment
181: On my calendar: is scribbles from my kid
180: Marriage is: Don’t marry a redneck!
179: Spongebob can: stop. Give me the early Bob but that’s it.
178: My mom: loves Unicorns
177: The last three songs I bought were? Wap metal version, Room with a Zoo, Shoop
176: Last YouTube video watched: GabSmolders playing Control
175: How many cousins do you have? technically only 2 by blood and actual familial connections. 6 if you count some others. 9 if you count step-cousins.
174: Do you have any siblings? 1 big Seester!
173: Are your parents divorced? Yeah
172: Are you taller than your mom? Maybe? IDK, we’re both shorties
171: Do you play an instrument? sadly, no.
170: What did you do yesterday? Slept and worked
[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: yes
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yes
166: Yourself: HA, you’re funny.
165: Aliens: no
164: Heaven: these are...
163: Hell: ... kinda loaded...
162: God: ... questions
161: Horoscopes: maybe
160: Soul mates: yes
159: Ghosts: yes
158: Gay Marriage: yes
157: War: yes
156: Orbs: yes
155: Magic: yes
[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs
153: Drunk or High: unfortunately neither.
152: Phone or Online: online
151: Red heads or Black haired: black
150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunette
149: Hot or cold: cold
148: Summer or winter: winter
147: Autumn or Spring: autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
145: Night or Day: night
144: Oranges or Apples: apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: straight
142: McDonalds or Burger King: McD’s outta these choices but I’d take Steak’N’Shake over either.
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk and Dark.
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Zach can be sweet (he certainly isn’t ugly to look at) and we’re definitely on the poor side.
137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi (anybody remember Pepsi Twist? That was the best!)
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama
135: Buried or cremated: Buried I guess. Though, if I’m cremated, my ashes need to be spread in one place and no separating them.
134: Singing or Dancing: singing
133: Coach or Chanel: I am a redneck, these things don’t mean anything to me.
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who?
131: Small town or Big city: small town
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Either? I shop Wal-Mart all the time out of convenience but I do like Target
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I am overall not a fan of either barring a select couple movies (like Heavyweights and Little Nicky)
128: Manicure or Pedicure: no thanks.
127: East Coast or West Coast: east coast
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas
125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: Can I go to a Zoo instead?
123: Yankees or Red Sox: I’ll say Sox because New England but I don’t particularly care for baseball.
[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: there’s a time and place
121: George Bush: he’s an idiot?
120: Gay Marriage: yay!
119: The presidential election: tearing families apart because people are stupid and vote for Trump
118: Abortion: this is a bit of a grey area for me. While I firmly believe in “my body, my choice”, I do not accept that argument if you are constantly getting them as if it is a form of birth control. Use proper contraceptives you slut.
117: MySpace: does that even exist anymore?
116: Reality TV: certain ones can assume me.
115: Parents: love them even when you don’t like them.
114: Back stabbers: pussies.
113: Ebay: never used it
112: Facebook: is reserved for pictures of kids, pets, funny videos and memes, and gifs.
111: Work: shitty... literally
110: My Neighbors: I’m just glad they aren’t the cousin-fuckers or the Methicans anymore.
109: Gas Prices: it takes like 20 bucks to fill my tiny car gas tank so whatever.
108: Designer Clothes: never fit me
107: College: didn’t go.
106: Sports: HA. My fat ass play sports? Maybe Badminton or Tetherball but that’s it.
105: My family: lives too far away.
104: The future: needs to be better than now.
[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: like 20 mins ago when my kid was trying to suck up to me to get a sip of my frappe.
102: Last time you ate: two hours ago.
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Zane’s first day of school this year. Miss Angie came over to see him off in the morning.
100: Cried in front of someone: probably a few weeks ago.
99: Went to a movie theater: Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2.
98: Took a vacation: three years ago.
97: Swam in a pool: probably close to 8 or more years ago.
96: Changed a diaper: 4-5 yrs ago.
95: Got my nails done: professionally? never. By Zane? last weekend.
94: Went to a wedding: three years ago.
93: Broke a bone: never. dislocated shit though.
92: Got a piercing: over a decade
91: Broke the law: probably frequently without realizing it.
90: Texted: couple mins ago.
[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: oh I’m a funny bitch
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: nothing? fuck this house. fuck this town. fuck this state. I wanna go HOME home.
87: The last movie I saw: Smokin’ Aces 2
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: my nephew’s birth and the vacation we plan to take to see him!
85: The thing i’m not looking forward to: the travel for the vacation stated above.
84: People call me: a lot of things. most of them true.
83: The most difficult thing to do is: wake up
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope
81: My zodiac sign is: Taurus
80: The first person i talked to today was: my husband
79: First time you had a crush: I had a massive crush on Shawn Micheals as a kid.
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my Seester
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: probably someone in the Flanaclan Chapel
76: Right now I am talking to: the Flanaclan on and off
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I’m supposed to grow up?
74: I have/will get a job: yes
73: Tomorrow: is Halloween
72: Today: I’m horny and annoyed
71: Next Summer: is a long time away
70: Next Weekend: work
69: I have these pets: already answered
68: The worst sound in the world: right now I’d have to say it’s Zane clucking his tongue.
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself? or more specifically my anxiety brain.
66: People that make you happy: my Flanaclan friends, my bff, my sister.
65: Last time I cried: a few weeks ago
64: My friends are: on the internet and/or mostly too far away
63: My computer is: a hunk of shit laptop
62: My School: never going ever again.
61: My Car: looks like the car emoji.
60: I lose all respect for people who: beat animals
59: The movie I cried at was: recently? Up
58: Your hair color is: brown
57: TV shows you watch: SOA, SVU, SWAT, wrestling, Wynonna Earp, Van Helsing, Supernatural
56: Favorite web site: tumblr and youtube
55: Your dream vacation: Scotland, Ireland, Wales, England, all that.
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: dislocating my knee
53: How do you like your steak cooked: med rare
52: My room is: some boring off-white
51: My favorite celebrity is: Tommy Flanagan
50: Where would you like to be: New Hampshire
49: Do you want children: I have 1 and that’s 1 too many.
48: Ever been in love: yup
47: Who’s your best friend: didn’t I already answer this?
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls nowadays. guys around here suck.
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: reading Chibs fics, staring at Flanagan
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Flanagan
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: hell no
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no
41: Have you pre-named your children: I did not.
40: Last person I got mad at: me
39: I would like to move to: for the millionth time, New Hampshire
38: I wish I was a professional: dog sitter/walker
[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Sour Patch Watermelons
36: Vehicle: 90′s Ford Ranger, Jeep Renegade, Jeep Wrangler, Jeep Gladiator, Ford Shelby GT350R
35: President: certainly not the fuckin’ current one.
34: State visited: Massachusetts
33: Cellphone provider: Verizon
32: Athlete: Aleister Black, Drew McIntyre, Luchasaurus, Sonny Kiss (and fuck you if you try to tell me they aren’t athletes)
31: Actor: Tommy Flanagan
30: Actress: Millie Bobby Brown
29: Singer: Ville Valo
28: Band: HIM
27: Clothing store: don’t care.
26: Grocery store: don’t care.
25: TV show: Law & Order: SVU (as much as I’d love to say SOA, Law & Order was my first real love)
24: Movie: 10 Things I Hate About You
23: Website: tumblr, youtube
22: Animal: dogs, wolves
21: Theme park: Zoos
20: Holiday: Halloween
19: Sport to watch: professional wrestling, football, hockey
18: Sport to play: nothing that requires that much energy
17: Magazine: don’t read them much
16: Book: the House Of Night series and sequel series by P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast (I don’t care that I’m probably too old for them now, I love them)
15: Day of the week: Saturday
14: Beach: Hampton Beach, NH
13: Concert attended: 69 Eyes headlined (opening with Night Kills The Day, then Fair To Midland which were fine but also Wednesday 13!!!!!)
12: Thing to cook: fajitas
11: Food: apple fritters/apple cider donuts
10: Restaurant: Panda Express I suppose.
9: Radio station: WGFA
8: Yankee candle scent: Midsummers Night
7: Perfume: don’t wear perfume so much as body spray and it’s usually something like cucumber melon or some baked goods scent.
6: Flower: Tiger Lillies
5: Color: Green- specifically Forest/Hunter
4: Talk show host: idk I used to watch Maury all the time, does that count?
3: Comedian: George Carlin
2: Dog breed: Pittie mixes, mutts, labs, medium to big short haired breeds
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Yes I did.
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