#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo )

[lgcseojin]

✱ SEOJIN'S JOURNAL ( 2006 - current )

This journal is property of Park Seojin. It contains sensitive topics and precious thoughts. If you find this, don't open it or else he'll come find you and take you to Suplex City! Go away.

Septembur September, 2006 The therapy lady said if I pretend I'm talking to God then I can write eeeasier. I dunno. Don't wanna talk to you right now buddy. Cuz somtymes sometimes I kinda wish you didn't make me so I'm upset at you. And I hate cake and I don't wanna blow out anymore stupid candelsles. It just makes me feel real mad. Speshully Especially when Miss Heejung tries to give me hugs. I don't want none of that I just wanna go back to my friends somtimes.

November 30th, 2006 Mr Dongwoo Dad said that the baby is gonna come any day now. I'm gonna be mad if the kid is born on my birthday no way am I gonna share. It's my day!! I want somethin that's mine.

December 25th, 2006 Didn't write in this thing cuz I forgot. Anyway. Christmas is real fun. I got an RC racer thing!!!!! It goes so fast hahahah!!

January 15th, 2007 The baby was really late. They called her Dahye. She looked at me kinda funny but she didn't cry when I hugged her.

September 3rd, 2007 I got moved to a different class and stuff. I wanna throw books cuz now I'm not with my friends. But the teach said we were dissruptin class or whatever. I get to sit next to a girl now and she stuck her tongue out at me so I stuck out my middle finger. Her name is Boram.

March 14th, 2008 Girls are weird. I gave Boram my chocolates cuz she gave me some and then she said she was gonna throw em in the toilet. Whatever. I didn't like her anyways.

May 21st, 2009 Hahahah!!! Jaehyuk hyung came to school today and brought a real lizard. Yep it was real I checked and everything. Haesung said we should dissect it but we were like no way. I wanna make it my pet. It looks so sick! Not sick sick but cool

June 17th, 2009 I bought a guitar!!!

November 27th, 2009 A weird lady said hi to me when I was walking home. She had really long hair and a funny smile. She looked real sick (the real kind) and said my name. Maybe she's one of them no homes people or a ghost or somethin

November 29th, 2009 The weird lady tried to give me a bag of chips and grab my hand. Did she think I was 5 years old or somethin. That shit don't work on 11 year olds. So I ran away real fast. Skinned my knee. It fuckin hurt.

December 1st, 2009 Stuff sucks real bad right now. I'm real sorry God. I don't wanna go back no more. I just wanna stay here now. I'm sorry.

December 1st, 2010 She called again. I can't have one day.

December 1st, 2011 Sorry I keep ignoring you. Lotsa shit is happening lately. That lady hasn't even read this since like 2 years ago. Why do I even bother? How did I do it again? Hi, God? Haha. I'm good, I guess. Bored right now. Eating some kinda bread dad bought in Japan. Way too sweet but whatever. Birthday went okay. They gave me a party and it wasn't anything special I guess.

January 20th, 2013 Got nothing else to do so I'm gonna write in this again. Fuck this city. Fuck everything. I don't wanna move and leave everyone behind. This sucks so fucking much. Seoul seems like it sucks anyway. But at least Jaehyuk is there... Ugh nevermind. It makes feel sick to write while the car's moving all over the place, and Dahye won't stop pinching me. I'm gonna give this kid a headlock.

April 30th, 2013 Some kid almost ran me over with his bike so I grabbed it and he fell on me. Buncha stolen shit fell outta his jacket and everything. Hahaha. He begged me not to tell anyone. I think he's a grade below me even though he said he's like 13 I think. Seems real smart. Name is Cheol... something. I guess he's ok when we started to talk but if he runs me over again I'm gonna pummel him for sure.

August 2nd, 2013 Mom had the baby today. The kid is real cute and she grabbed my finger super tight. I'm gonna be honest. I kinda felt like crying and stuff. She's real cute, Dasom. I wanna protect her.

October 12th, 2013 Jaehyuk wants to start a band or whatever. Know I never mentioned it before but I kinda like to sing and I know how to play guitar. I'll give it a shot. He introduced me to some guy named Taewoo from another school and I asked Cheol if he wanted to join, too. Here goes nothing I guess.

February 23rd, 2015 I asked Minkyung out. I know you don't know who that is yet, God. Sorry about that. I was being an idiot just being in my head instead. She's in the same class as me. She's got short hair like to her neck kinda length. It's really funny. The class was playing soccer and she kicked the ball at my head. She seemed real scared about it and she came over to check on me and grabbed my face. That's what it's like to fall in love right??

July 9th, 2016 Long time no see, huh? Lots of good news happened so far. Well, kinda. First, I'm still going out with Minkyung. :) Second, I entered a singing contest and I got 3rd place, so a guy with a card came up to us and all. He was from a company... entertainment company. Legacy or something. Well, I auditioned and made it. Cool, right? Weird, though... Didn't think this could be a thing for me. Well, I'm gonna mooch these vocal lessons and see what happens I guess. Taewoo won't stop calling me a fucking sell-out though. Bastard. Anyway... the next news is awkward kinda. Mom and dad decided to foster this kid. He's like 12 or 13 or something and he's already getting on my nerves... Feel bad for him though. I know what it's like.

June 14th, 2017 Shit sucks. What a joke. See if those fuckers mess with Hyunseung again. I'd kick their asses all over again until they leave him alone.

December 2nd, 2017 She called me again. I don't get why she just won't leave me the hell alone. I can't do this shit. I don't care if I'm her "real son". Why did she have to find me? You left me there for like almost 7 years and now you wanna keep trying.

March 1st, 2018 I decided to start over. It's for the best, probably. Dim is over. I left the company. Me and Minkyung decided it would be better if we broke up. I couldn't even look at her anymore after I went off the deep end and didn't wanna be around anybody for a while. It was like shit was falling apart and I didn't wanna be like that and hurt her. Then have to leave her. And the guys. I feel like shit. I don't even know if this is the right choice. I'm taking you with me. There's still a lot of space to fill.

March 28th, 2018 It's the fifth day of basics. A week in and I've got some smart idea to start a journal. Apparently it's supposed to be "good" for me as an outlet but like... For all I know, some guy will take it, read it, and make fun of me. Whatever. This is stupid. The food sucks.

March 30th, 2018 Guy named Jung Woobin joined today. Kind of a nerd, but he's in my temporary unit and the bed next to mine. Might as well make friends. He keeps talking about random shit. Maybe I can see if he likes Slam Dunk. Well, I'm not here to make friends anyways, am I? Nothing else interesting happened. Entries are gonna be short till something interesting happens.

April 5th, 2018 Week two. Not hype. Hate waking up fucking early. This sucks ass. Some guy lost his shit and ran off in some random direction. They labeled him as a deserter. Feel kinda bad for him. Just glad he wasn't in my unit.

April 8th, 2018 New recruits came. There was overflow in bunking so they stuck a guy with us. I get a chaebol smell off of him but he seems alright so far. Let's see how he does during the first week.

April 21st, 2018 I'm tired of this Kang dude. Nearly kicked his ass before we got stopped. What a prick. He snores when he sleeps, too. I'm gonna plug his nostrils.

May 1st, 2018 Transfer to marines unit today. Off to Pohang. Wish me luck.

July 30th, 2018 Finally got time to sit down and write. Shit's been intense. The C.O. is no fucking stickler. He makes our squad wake up up to an hour earlier than the others. Set our alarms as the wake up song that blasts outside. Today, I swear we got to bed at midnight and got up at 3:30am. Wanted us to get our rounds done early so we can get a head start into the MMA training so we're in top shape. Tomorrow, our platoon is supposed to meet with the American marines that are stationed here, too.

October 10th, 2018 My English isn't that great but I kinda talked to this guy and we became friends. Tall, wavy hair, super ripped. Said his name is Andreas like the fault line but I dunno what that means, really. I can just call him Andy, he calls me Jin. His Korean is pretty good, actually. Hahaha.

October 11th, 2018 We sat by the river when everything is done and he and his friend taught me how to skin a rabbit. Then, the guy said he was gonna go rock fishing ( I think, I couldn't get his accent but I think he was from Australia or something ) and pulled a catfish with his bare hands. I'm serious! Wish I coulda taken a picture...

October 14th, 2018 It's the last day of the collab camp thing. Andy gave me a book. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths. I guess I should get better at English... But he said he's staying in Seoul after this. And his dad's got a boxing gym or something. Once I'm out, I'll check it out.

December 1st, 2018 They remembered my birthday. Never thought I'd get a Chocopie with a candle sticking out of it. Whatever works. I don't like sweets anyway and it's cold as balls.

February 13th, 2019 I'm on break for seollal! Came back home for a bit to see everyone. I know I saw them in between but still... This is nice. Chan must've gotten real tall over the summer. Dasom ran up to me and hugged me real tight. As for Dahye, she shook my hand. What a weird kid. I missed them so much. Gonna go spend time with them now. I won't forget you at home. Promise.

March 26th, 2019 A new guy joined us today. Real jumpy, that one. Said he got transferred to our unit for some reason he won't say. Rumor is that he tried to kill some guy and he's in a gang back in Daejeon. I don't believe it for a second. What a stupid story.

April 3rd, 2019 Caught Lcpl. Shin creeping around the place after dark not in his bunk. I got up to take a piss and he almost scared it right outta me. This is like the 2nd time this happened. Since our ranks are the same there's not much I can do. Should I tell the C.O.? Shit, why am I asking you? I don't think you would know what to do either.

April 17th, 2019 Fuck it, we finally ratted on the guy. The hell is he doing lurking around the latrines all the time... Must be some kinda weirdo. I guess that's why he was transferred. Shoulda kicked him out instead. Woobin said he saw him with a knife when he got out so I dunno what to think anymore. Lt said it isn't a big deal. That the guy's gotta be touched in the head, whatever that means.

April 22nd, 2019 Something or some dipshit keeps knocking on the barracks again. Can't fucking sleep. Shit sucks.

May 24th, 2019 Things were quiet for a while. There was a weird smell coming from the latrines and it wasn't cause of the crap they serves us. Found a dead bird strung up with shoelaces. Can't eat tonight.

May 28th, 2019 Can't sleep. Knocking again. The alarms went off. Glitch, I guess.

May 31st, 2019 Some shit went down. Two of the guys started wailing on each other outta nowhere. Screaming real loud about something. I didn't really bother trying to figure it out when we got them off each other. They were reprimanded. Only 9 of us, so this shit really stirred things up. Must have been some kinda disagreement. But everyone's fucking tired. Climbing drills are tomorrow.

June 1st, 2019 The ropes were cut. Or frayed. Or old, or something. It's my fault, isn't it? If I didn't pull so hard then Hwang wouldn't have fallen. Everything's okay. He said it wasn't cause of me. They took him out for a short medical leave. Hope he's okay. But I'm still shaking. I'd only tell you this kinda stuff, God.

June 5th, 2019 There's only 6 of us right now in the unit right now until the others get back. Feels real quiet right about now. No one really wanted to talk. Least, not to me. I still got Woobin but he seems like something's real wrong. Shin's got the world under his feet, though, the way he's strutting everywhere. Kept trying to show me his rabbit pelt. Freak.

July 7th, 2019 That fucking knocking again. A slam. Piss off so I can sleep already.

July 19th, 2019 It's raining. Real hard. Had to go fix something and found Shin out there doing... something. Whatever it is, he didn't like that I caught him and fuck I don't know what to do. It can't have been something bad, right? I didn't really see. It was dark.

July 23rd, 2019 I'm gonna kill that piece of shit. What kinda asshole takes a picture of my mom and just. He's dead. Next week. Mark my words, God. I'm confessing ahead of time if something happens. I'm kicking his ass when he comes around.

July 29th, 2019 The fucker still lives. Unfortunately. Opened my eyes and saw him hovering over my bunk. I swear. I saw it. How long was he standing there? How many days? Shouldn't think too much of it...

August 2nd, 2019 I looked over and he was just sitting up in bed like that. Awake. I don't think he ever sleeps, come to think of it. Woobin said the same thing. I started to keep my knife with my under my pillow.

September 6th, 2019 We woke up and Shin was gone from his bed. Nothing from the usual. C.O. came in and told us the military officers came and got him. Said what happened stays with us. They're making Woobin testify but he won't tell me what happened. Guess I'll never really find out. Gotta keep an eye on the news maybe later. Feel like I need to take 8 showers though. Maybe 10. Hopefully there won't be too much to write about now.

September 30th, 2019 Holy shit. Just a little bit longer and I'll be outta here. Sgt. Park speaking. Cool, right? I should have something positive here after all that. Everything seems like it's okay again. I think. I guess I thought about it a little more... All sorta guys come through here and you never know who's gonna end up being totally insane. I left out some details but, God, I'm sure you saw what happened anyways.

October 15th, 2019 One more month! I get to lead new recruits today. I asked Woobin to help and he still almost passed out running with us. Guess some guys really don't get that fit here, haha. Here's hoping we can still be friends when we leave. He's outta here next week... Gonna miss him something awful.

November 10th, 2019 I'm free!!! Gonna stay with the family again for a bit until we get my place figured out. Don't really plan on going to school or anything, but dad helped me find a job at some restaurant. I gotta go to Gangnam for it since it's all ritzy but it pays well. I'm kinda excited. Really feels like I started over again... Also, went to the bar still in my fatigues ( yeah, I know, I was lazy ). Craziest thing, the people you meet again. Some guy in uniform, another in a sparkly jacket. Funny where we end up.

December 2nd, 2019 Saw the guys yesterday. We got super smashed and they said I climbed a tree. Wait. Why am I still writing? Nothing interesting is going on. Let's not make this a habit.

January 8th, 2020 Nevermind. Something kinda crazy happened. Went to Vampire Den for the open mic night again. Just to sing. I got that card again. This shiny one. I guess I must have been outta my mind and had it in me to go for an audition. It was worth a shot. I'm almost at the limit they accept trainees. Fuck what am I doing? Shit.

January 9th, 2020 The call came. I made it. They said I gotta move into the dorms now. At least I got a couple months to myself.

January 20th, 2020 Shit man. So many kids around... This kid ( had a real unique name ) I'm roommates with said that he's graduating high school soon. Crazy... I think I'm in way over my head if this is how things are gonna be, but fuck it, right? At least I can still keep my job. Guess I'll just start making some friends around here. There's plenty of guys my age. Yushin's even here, too. Well, anyway. I don't gotta keep writing in this right now so see you later.

July 24th, 2020 Hey guess who's gonna be in a band again? Well kinda. It's still a bunch of practicing. We'll see what happens but I'm feeling optimistic, I think.

April 21st, 2021 This just in for another episode of Shit Sucks... They pulled the band stuff. I guess there weren't gonna be enough resources for it. Dunno what to do now. Feels like everything's crumbling apart around me. I can just hide away in my room for the rest of the year, right? Just not sure what they're gonna do with me now. Gotta get better at dancing. I'll do it later.

May 23rd, 2021 Shit just keeps happening. I saw her with someone else. I don't want an explanation. I'm tired of this push and pull shit. Going here and there without saying much. She lit my heart on fire and put it out with her fucking shoe. I loved her. At least, I think I did. I guess that doesn't matter now. Nothing should have come from that day and why did I even bother going through with it. Over and over again. Wasted my own heart. Nothing matters anymore, does it? Fuck it all. I should go somewhere. Don't look now, God.

August 17th, 2021 I guess some okay things can happen. But these blind dates the guys keep trying to set me up on are a waste of time. Better to not put in effort like that. Anyway, dad's heart thing has gotten better, too. He wanted me to start picking up his new medicine after practice every day.

September 19th, 2021 It's hard to want to sing again. Or want to do much of anything again. Maybe I'll get better by next year.

September 25th, 2021 Met this girl. Well, already did. Sometimes, she'd be at the pharmacy when I picked things up. There's dimples in her cheeks when she smiles at me. I mentioned I was interested in producing music and she asked me for some pointers. We're meeting next week so I can help her, I guess. Worth a shot. Come to think of it, I think we went to the same high school.

October 18th, 2021 She's cute. Fuck, I'm so screwed. I remember now. I sneezed on her in the hallway once. She said it was two times, but I don't remember the first one. We already talked a lot. It's weird. Something dangerous about her. I'll watch my step...

October 31st, 2021 I feel drunk even though I'm not. She said she liked me and I wanted to run. I think I already like her, too. I just can't be what she needs right now. I shouldn't be writing this stuff down. I'll save it for songs. My own head. See you.

December 5th, 2021 She said there's a beauty in being impulsive. She is coy and bold. She wants to kiss my cheek because something compels her to. She yearns to see me. I can't forget anything she says. She speaks in poetry and laughs in music. I don't flinch when she reaches out to touch me. So.. What now...? I kissed her on the shores of some snowy Sokcho beach. When she says now that there's nothing innocent about the way I kiss her with that smirk of hers. When she said she's looking for someone to break her heart because she's just being realistic. Not to feel burdened because I make her happy. She'll be patient for me. I think I might be going a little crazy. Emotionally, spiritually. She makes me want to sing again.

December 1st, 2022 Aside from one good thing, this year was kind of a bust. Hoping for a better one next year. Fuck, I'm getting old. Did they forget about me?

March 20th, 2023 Finally got a project! With actual songs. Not sure what it's gonna entail but ... here goes nothing, as usual. :)

March 30th, 2023 And when it comes to spring, I learned that it's made of heartbreak and not love.

August 12th, 2023 Fuck, what am I doing with my life? It's so close I can taste it but I can't help but feel like there's so much missing.

October 30th, 2023 What am I doing? Part two. Everything is all jumbled up. There's nowhere to put that anger brewing in my head. I almost messed up my hand because of it and ruined everything for myself. Might start writing some songs again...

December 1st, 2023 The first birthday I really felt like I deserved. I guess I made it this far, huh? And there are people who care about me, love me. It's still really overwhelming to think about, but looking back, this is what I always needed. And I should have been more grateful for what I have around me in the form of other people.

January 1st, 2024 I think it's gonna be a great year. Love is real.

January 14th, 2024 Oh. Fuck.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo )

[seojinws]

TRACK 008.

✱ A snippet of the past : 2014 ㅡ In which the image of a sixteen year old Seojin and his concept of friendship and family is reminisced upon.

A loud, familiar voice calling his name cut through the muffled drone of the television in the other room. Variety shows with the same humdrum games and manufactured laughter and repeating edits. A sliver of hope that his family didn’t hear the ruckus outside lingered in Seojin’s chest. 

It was a telltale indication that, within the next few minutes, he would be sneaking out to answer the call.

As far as his mother was concerned, he had currently locked himself in his bedroom to study like the ideal son she and his father aimed for him to be. Anything but the rambunctious class clown he thought unavoidable. ( He, in fact, heard one of the ladies in his mother’s book club in their old town blather on about the risks of adopting a child so late, especially one with “blatant anger issues”. ) It was ingrained in his skull that he was and always would be a misfit in the seemingly average home. He only belonged in every legal sense of the term.

Home was a vagabond for Seojin. Park Seojin. He constantly reminded himself he was part of a real family now; even if it had been a full eight years by now. He would come to acknowledge their hard work eventually, but as a freshly turned sixteen-year-old, its due date was far off. Ungrateful was still an understatement.

The voice he chose to ignore in favor of browsing through a music magazine came back with full force. It was almost as if neglect made them come back stronger. An annoying trait only one person he knew could have.

“PARK! SEO! JIN!”

A disgruntled expression dressed over his face, he opened his window and thrust the upper half of his body through. He was fully prepared to yell in response until recognized the teen standing below. That toothy smile of his glowing in the dim moonlight.

“What light through yonder window breaks?”

“Oh Cheolsu! You idiot. Keep it down! You’re supposed to be discreet when you do this kinda shit. You want me to come down there and kick your ass?”

That Friday night was now like any other. At least for those two. He was well aware most kids his age didn’t sneak out of the house with the intent to commit petty crimes. Well, Seojin only ever kept watch, but it was a means of survival for his, at the time, best friend. While he told his father his friend was being paid for handy work by a neighbor was some glimpse of the truth, the true extent of reality was less than savory.

Cheolsu was what the average person would consider a good kid. From his thick spectacles to his awkward demeanor, he seemed nothing more than an unassuming nerd. That was until Seojin discovered he knew how to hotwire cars and snuck around to smoke cigarettes. Their initial meeting was a dramatic one. He often teased his friend for watching too many cheesy dramas that gave him a false sense of heroism. It certainly played out like a scene from a movie.

At the time, Seojin was in his second year of middle school. He was just as daring and rowdy back then, if not more so. On a dare from one of his classmates, he stole a high schooler’s high-end bicycle ㅡ one he was unaware was notorious for a violent temper and tendency to bully. It was this total lack of self-preservation that got him into trouble in the end. Cheolsu, who had been walking home from baseball practice, ran in with reckless abandon, his aluminum bat raised above his head.

Seojin wound up with a couple of broken fingers and a bloody nose and Cheolsu with a pair of broken glasses and a black eye. It was fortunate enough a kind-hearted teacher played off the former’s actions as an honest mix-up. ( Had their bicycles not been the same color, maybe he wouldn’t have ended up so lucky. )

They managed to laugh it off in the emergency room. It quickly became one of Seojin’s fondest memories. And Cheolsu, one of his closest friends.

Seojin descended the thin metal stairs of the fire escape with purpose, running as soon as his feet kissed the ground. There was no hesitation on his part to give the other teen a jab to the side and a playful threat of a kick to the shin. He was met with defensive hands and boisterous laughter.

“Whoa! Juliet is a lot more feisty than I thought she was… That raggedy hair should’ve told me. An untamed spirit.” “Shut it. It’s way too expensive to get it cut by a pro right now.” Any amount of won he could save his parents was an effort well spent. His appearance be damned. “Want me to do it? You know I’m good with my hands.” Seojin scoffed. “Is that the kinda lines you use on people these days? No wonder you’re hopeless…” “That’s beside the point. What do you wanna do?” “You’re asking me? You’re the one who harassed me into coming down to meet you. Seriously… You’re really lucky no one knows my name yet around here.”

Outside looking in, one would not be able to tell their friendship started merely a year prior. As far as anyone was concerned, they had known each other their entire lives. ( It certainly felt like it. ) Seojin threw an arm around his friend’s shoulder, eyes examining the nuances of his profile. The occasional street light reflected off the surface of his glasses, casting circular shadows on his cheeks.

“I think today, we should sneak into my old man’s booze stash and then go to the Han River! Chase some birds, snag some noodles.” Cheolsu gave a cheeky grin alongside his suggestion. Seojin merely raised a brow in response. “You told me you hate hanging out there, though.” “Whatever. You really like that sort of vibe, so…” “You serious?” “Why not? It’s fine if it’s with you.”

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #just a random old subject i had been working on rewriting #some random character backstory mumbo jumbo u -u

[ktaebwi]

‘WINGS’ Concept Book - Full Translation

Photo Reference © floofyjimin, iamlifeproof KRN - ENG © ktaebwi Do not use for commercial purpose. Credit properly when reposting & re-translating.

Download PDF: MF | Dropbox

List: 1. THE BEGINNING 2. SHORT FILM 3. COMEBACK TRAILER 4. PHOTOGRAPHY 5. BLOOD, SWEAT & TEARS ㅡ INTERVIEW 7. THE WINGS TOUR IN SEOUL

1. THE BEGINNING

DAY Boy (youth) Peaceful, dependent, ideal, moral ↑ EVIL Tempter Dream, secret desire, primitive impulse ↓ NIGHT Evil in reality Bellicose, independent, individual

The concept of <WINGS> was decided then. The ending of “Fire” music video, ‘BOY MEETS WHAT’. The blinking cursor behind the phrase ‘BOY MEETS’ at the ending of “SAVE ME” music video. The story of BTS had already been written then. What the boy will meet is ‘BOY MEETS EVIL’ of <WINGS>, or in other words, the fissures and temptation of the world. Somewhere in the middle of the ‘Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ series, the planning for <WINGS> started as BTS looked back on what they felt passing what could be called their best moment in life. After that, producer Bang Shihyuk met the manga <Spiral: The Bonds Of Reasoning> and constructed the outline, though vague it was. <Spiral: The Bonds Of Reasoning> may seem like a simple mystery series, but the protagonist eventually fell into the end, end, end of despair, no, into a much deeper darkness. Despite that, he said it was okay, because all the agony came from his own choice. It was time for BTS to talk about the suffering and the choices a boy has to face in the process of advancing forward and growing up.

The hint gained from this manga - overlapped with the story BTS had been telling - was expanded to the conception of adult and antiadult, nonadult. ‘Antiadults’ believe the realm of adults is full of evil, they refuse to grow up and declare the intention to stay as Peter Pan. On the other hand, ‘nonadults’ have soon known that life is dirty and nasty, but they can’t stop on the path of becoming adults as if someone is pushing them forward. In the end, they can’t become complete adults, and this was also the conception that met BTS who sang ‘Forever We Are Young’ as they wrapped up the ‘Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ series.

Looking back, from the start of 'school trilogy' in 2013 to <WINGS>, BTS’ history was the story of why, by what and how the boy lives, and also a great journey to come to that conclusion. In 'school trilogy', BTS were teenagers who aren’t tamed by the rules of the world. They shouted “Hey, what’s your dream?” to peers who don’t have much worry about the future, to the school that forces the same old way of thinking, the same old goals, and to all the adults. Their debut album <2 Cool 4 Skool> and <O!RUL8,2?> (Oh! Are You Late, Too?) were the voice of boys who are young but determined to decide their own life path. That teenage energy passed through <Skool Luv Affair> and <DARK&WILD>, adding the face of the vigorous, red-blooded youth who fight for love recklessly. Dream, happiness, love. They were what teenagers wanted to hear about more than anything, what no one had talked about for a long time, but BTS bared them all out truthfully through 'school trilogy'.

The boys who dashed forward with a spirit as if to destroy the world, at some point, became the wandering youth. The ‘Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ days lasted only for a moment, they were dazzingly beautiful and shining more beautifully than ever, but they were also restless, there was nothing they could know. In “I NEED U”, they were obsessed with love, clung to love knowing they would be wounded; in “RUN”, they sang that they wouldn’t stop loving despite sensing they would get hurt. The seven of BTS dashing forward together were the image of the youth willing to face anxiety and suffering itself. Inside the fence called school, inside the world they had set foot in, the boys questioned the world, stepped out of the box and in the end, chose suffering.

And finally, <Demian> and <WINGS>. From ‘Two Realms’ to ‘The Bird Fights Its Way Out Of The Egg’, ‘Jacob Wrestling’, the stories in the book showed the world BTS has created so far and the journey to manhood. Dream, secret desire, those temptations (Evil) left marks on the once peaceful, dependent and moral youth; the boys realized the evil in reality. Experiencing the evil, witnessing their torn-apart egos and eventually coming to self-awareness. It’s the reason the main theme of <WINGS> is temptation and conflict. Like how they rejected the rules set by school and adults in 'school trilogy', like how they ran forward knowing they would get hurt in ‘Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ series, BTS once again knew the danger yet still opened the door to meet the evil. From the question of ‘Boy meets what’, the story of <WINGS> began.

SHORT FILM #1 BEGIN Like a nightmare, Suga’s portrait and easel go up in flames. A flock of birds flying casts shadow upon the blazing scene. The drawing in his hands turns into Demian’s drawing of bird. A big pair of wings rises from Jungkook’s silhouette.

SHORT FILM #2 LIE “Tell me the way, stop me, let me breath.” Jimin eats an apple in the all-gray room. His innocent expression spreads into a wicked smile.

SHORT FILM #3 STIGMA V continues to scratch the table legs even in the middle of interrogation. He runs in the dark, gets hit by something invisible and falls down. Moving onto the single room scene.

SHORT FILM #4 FIRST LOVE Continuous whistle, intense light and the sound effect of an accident. Bloodstain and tire tracks left in the road Suga is standing on.

SHORT FILM #5 REFLECTION The telephone continues to ring, the booth is locked in chains. Rap Monster tries to open the door in agony. The telephone stops ringing and he sinks down. The word ‘Liar’ is carved on the floor.

SHORT FILM #6 MAMA J-hope takes a pill and the isolation unit changes like a hallucination. The image of Eva appears.

SHORT FILM #7 AWAKE A shape akin to flame shows up in Jin’s pupils. He lies on the bed and the room is distorted. The curtains flap and the bird flies outside the window.

2. SHORT FILM

The piano burns, the window shatters with a sharp screech. Paint leaks and drips from the portrait. Jungkook watches all of these with fear in his eyes. V recalls his unhappy past, Suga trespasses somewhere and plays the piano, Rap Monster sits in the pitch darkness and tattoos his wrist. They are once again in the position of the restless boys.

They shouted in "EPILOGUE: Young Forever". "I want the me of today to last eternally, I want to be young forever." Living and being hounded ceaselessly by the incitement of the world, they were young forever, wanted to be young forever. To those boys, the short films of <WINGS> where the symbols of <Demian> and the images of 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' series co-exist are the record linking the end of an era with the next one and at the same time, showed that they shall remain boys as ever. Starting with concerns about problems they face at school in debut days, to spending the time of youth and wandering in 'school trilogy', BTS met the temptation from a bigger realm, a more complex outer world in <WINGS>. Jungkook's silhouette spreads its wings unknowingly. Jimin bites the apple with an ambiguous smile. A perplexed J-hope in a paint-scattered room. And finally, Jin drops the apple, burns the lilies, silently touches and stands in front of the rippling mirror. He leaves the photos of all those symbols and goes somewhere. Various traces of 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' remain in the short films, at the same time, the different sides of the members compared to the past implies the transition of BTS. This is the farewell to 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa', the most melancholy era to both BTS and every fans, it also means despite that, the story of the boys will continue. They witnessed the fissures of the world, which soon lead to the awakening of their egos. It's time to step into the world of decadence and temptation. The boys remain as restless as ever. In "I NEED U", they were in pain, they fought, they suffered so bad that they drowned themselves in medicine, yet they still played with fireworks and laughed so innocently; in "Run", they ran and screamed as though they would destroy the whole world if they have to. The pain made the moment even more beautiful. The youth BTS spent in 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' was the faces of the insecure boys who fell out of the fence of the world, a world in which grades, parents and school were their everything. Through <WINGS> short films, though still scared, they had started to come into the arms of the evil, the adult world they must step into. Breaking out of the solid world, experiencing and awaking to the evil, this is what one has to go through to become a man.

“In the scene where I had to shed tears, I cried for real. First of all, if they play songs at the set it’ll create a mood. I’m quite sensitive to images or sounds so I was able to cry easily when filming.” - Jungkook

“It’s hard to explain what images I thought of. I just listened to my solo song “Lie” and left it to my body. It would be more difficult to portray it if I think too much.” - Jimin

“It was an extension of my character in ‘Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ so I didn’t have any difficulty portraying it. Besides I was with a cute obedient puppy so I had a great time filming.” - V

“The scene where I threw the rock and broke the window was hard to be re-shoot. I entered the set with tension after practicing several times, and luckily I nailed it in one go.” - Suga

“The telephone booth was set to not open but it strangely did and fell so I almost destroyed it. I wasn’t supposed to rip apart the chains as well but I did. It was left with a lot of regrets but I think I did my best.” - Rap Monster

“Since I was young, I was already familiar with a form of musical performance called ‘Dance-cal’. So I had no pressure about filming the short film alone, I focused and acted for the video to come out in the best quality.” - J-hope

“I talked with the director on the set and adjusted the character. I was in a position where I was the only one left and watching over the others, so I tried to portray the sadness and loneliness.” - Jin

3. COMEBACK TRAILER

In 2013, Rap Monster's voice filled the debut trailer signaling the start of 'school trilogy'. In 2015, the star of <Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa PT.2> trailer was Suga, who shouted fiercely "whatever thorny path it is, run" like in <Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa PT.1>. And in 2016, there was no doubt that J-hope will be the guide, the gatekeeper to the world of <WINGS>. Producer Bang Shihyuk said, "j-hope is an unique member in the group. He's the best at dancing and able to pull off rapping as well. I think if he can express his self-composed song through dancing well, he couldn't be cooler beyond that." True to his words, J-hope has prepared with his blood, sweat and tears for one year, and played an excellent role of being the portal to the new path of BTS. Through a choreographer designated by himself, he perfected the performance fusing old school style and krump with a hint of modern dance. The trailer of <WINGS>, "Boy Meets Evil", is the invitation ticket sent from BTS. J-hope is the guide to the new world. Between the short films and music video, the trailer served as the guide to enter the world of <WINGS> solely through dance without any further explanation. In less than 3 minutes, J-hope accomplished it with his performance. He was in pain, but he danced like he couldn't stop. In the midst of the void with nothing but dust, J-hope dances as the crimson smoke rises and the floor cracks as if foreshadowing the entry to a strange new world. He sways between the glamorous world of temptation scattered with colorful paints and his ego. As if he can't control his desire, as if he's calling for redemption, his movement turns the void into a place overlaid with colors and put on a sensual vibe. Like the saying in <Demian>, "The evil held me in his clutches, the enemy was behind me", J-hope portrayed the anxiety of the youth through a thrilling dynamic performance. Just like the lyrics written by J-hope, "Too Bad It's Too Sweet." this trailer is another test of the temptation, in which viewers can't keep their eyes until the end. As J-hope said, "This love is another name for the evil" ("Boy Meets Evil"), you can't help but be drawn into <WINGS> as if being possessed.

“This trailer was the chance that won’t come to me a second time. If I mess this up because I don’t practice enough, I would regret for the rest of my life, so I bit the bullet. I hate living with regrets.” - J-hope

“When I first received the theme ‘Boy Meets Evil’, I thought of my past and was extremely immersed in it. That’s why I could write the song with a sincere attitude and danced as well.” - J-hope

4. PHOTOGRAPHY

From 'school trilogy' to 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' series, BTS' concept photos always conveyed their stories and characters visually. With 'school trilogy', they dressed up in rumpled uniform look, while in 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' series, they appeared in Mod style outfits, which were popular in England during the 60s. It explained the image and growth of BTS - the rebellious boys, the wandering youth - through a visual aspect. But the process of visualizing the theme of <WINGS>, of becoming adults and dealing with temptation on the way, can be a little more complicated. Like Producer Bang Shihyuk said, as the direction of <WINGS> was inspired by <Demian>, the topic of consensus between good and evil, temptation and ego, is an abstract conception. Excluding explanation and expressing clearly what the new concept means to say in a few photos without straying too far away from the stories BTS has told so far is undoubtedly difficult. Hence, <WINGS> concept photos were more abstract than before. Jimin looks at the camera with apples scattered around, Jungkook lies down on heaps of feathers, Rap Monster sits in front of layers of mirrors. The mirrors cast Rap Monster's reflection in many directions. This intensifies the abstract and multivalent images shown in the short films. In the short films, Jimin bit the apple with an ambiguous expression, a pair of wings formed from feathers soared from Jungkook's shoulders. and like the title "reflection", Rap Monster was perplexed by his reflection in the mirrors. Starting from the <Demian> hint, the story of <WINGS> was slowly unraveled from individual short films, the trailer to concept photos for that reason. The detailed motive of <WINGS> was embedded in the short films, and each individual symbol, imprinted on the viewers' minds through the short films, was once again fused into the concept photos. To make this storytelling possible, the details of the sets were invested in 5 times more than normal photoshoot sets. The process of visualizing 'temptation' and adding in erotic elements was especially needed in order to portray an abstract world like <WINGS>. The face expressions and poses of BTS members looked weary but mysterious at the same time, while their outfits used glam look, the recent trending pajama look and bare look with partial exposure to maximize the sexy and glamorous image. Able to add the eroticism without going too explicitly, bare look and glam look were the most suitable option to represent the concept of <WINGS>. "Man muss noch Chaos in sich haben, um einen tanzenden Stern gebären zu können." This phrase was written in V's concept photos. It means "you must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star", a quote from <Thus Spoke Zarathustra> by Friedrich Nietzsche. What the props, the outfits and even the quote never forget to speak up for a moment, is the concept of <WINGS> itself.

5. BLOOD, SWEAT & TEARS

BTS tends to be recognized as a boyband with a global fandom rather than a K-pop band. The first testing of this was "Fire", an electro trap song. The experiment Producer Bang Shihyuk did with "Fire" proved to be a success. True to its title, "Fire" lighted the fans all over the world on fire, and BTS' strategy of making the winning move with the kind of music that is currently trending in the world, not just in Korea only, wasn't wrong. Korean idol groups' music has started to create a sensation in the West as well. The game's rules have changed. With "Blood, Sweat & Tears", they took another step forward. It doesn't follow the grammar and the genre of idols' pop songs where being catchy and easy to sing along is typical. Using moombahton - a globally rising genre - as the base, the melody started with "Blood, Sweat & Tears" from the beginning intuitively suggests the theme of temptation and lets the dark and subverse energy seep through. This formation that presents a foreign vibe from the start leading to the climax was new but astonishing at the same time. Foreign, and sensual. "Blood, Sweat & Tears" music video was foreign and obscure to viewers than ever and full of abstract images for that reason. From 6 months before the release, Producer Bang Shihyuk and music video director Lumpens had researched about mise-en-scène, and had come to a decision to distribute the information so it wouldn't stay fixed in "Blood, Sweat & Tears", unlike the dramatized music videos with stories in 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' stories. Through the change of verticle or horizontal composition, each scene was born as a different painting, and the music video becomes a kind of gallery with multiple objets d'art. Meanwhile, the choreography acts as another splendid mise-en-scène. With Suga covering Jimin's eyes as the first movement of the performance, the music video for "Blood, Sweat & Tears" officially started. In addition, "Blood, Sweat & Tears" contains the story and symbols based on <Demian>. The <WINGS> album - including "Blood, Sweat & Tears" - conceptualized the growth of BTS before moving onto the next phase with the help from classics and mythology. The story of having to go through agony in order to grow up, rather than describing the specific situation, created the vibe they want to show and explained the conception of temptation, decadence and growth. While Jin was gazing at "The Fall of the Rebel Angels", playing in the background was a music piece by Bach, seeking forgiveness from God, but the BTS of "Blood, Sweat & Tears" said there's no such thing as God, that our fate has been decided like this since long ago. From the youth portrayed by the green candy, green smoke, monotonous colors, they went out into a more complicated, more glamorous and chaotic world. Like how Rap Monster gave the melted candle wax to Jungkook, like how Suga took Jimin's hands and led him somewhere outside, the ones who have grown up first in the 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' series urged the kids who haven't awaken from the dream to wake up. Like that, the story of BTS and <WINGS> was completed.

SCENE BY SCENE

Scene 1: Jin is looking at ‘The Fall of the Rebel Angels’ by Pieter Bruegel. Although the painting depicts the angels who rebelled against God being forced down to Hell, in the music video, it was used with the meaning that for a person to realize about themselves and grow up, they must stand against God.

Scene 2: Behind the members is ‘The Lament for Icarus’ by Herbert James Draper. In the myth of Icarus, he fell while flying close to the sun when his wings made from bees wax melted. It holds the meaning that he rejected the fate given by God and chose to follow his own path.

Scene 3: The scene of Suga covering Jimin’s eyes resembles the last scene of <Demian>. Demian tells Sinclair who has his eyes closed “I’m giving you a kiss from Frau Eva”, which means he will soon merge with his ego.

Scene 4: The alcohol Rap Monster is drinking is Absinthe, a favorite drink of Romanticism artists like Vincent van Gogh and Romanticism writer Arthurt Rimbaud. It was used to symbolize the will of humans to fight against God and fate.

Scene 5: There are two contrast conceptions called ‘Monotonous’ and ‘Colored’. Here, ‘Colored’ doesn’t only mean having colors, but also being glamorous and diverse. From the monotonous world of youth, BTS learned about the various situations of the colored real world.

Scene 6: The water under J-hope’s chair is melted chocolate. In <Demian>, when Sinclair was suffering because of his lies, his mother gave him a piece of chocolate. Michelangelo, Pietà, 1498-1499, St. Peter’s Basilica (Vatican City)

Scene 7: The scene of Rap Monster feeding candle wax to Jungkook appears in <Demian> too. It’s an analogy to when Demian received a drawing of bird from Sinclair, and also means to urge him to awake to the fact that he can’t be young forever.

Scene 8: J-hope shooting an arrow towards V is not that he’s killing V, he’s helping him to realize himself. It means the death of youth and growth, this shows in the photo of V with paint splatters after getting shot with the arrow.

Scene 9: The background image is ‘Landscape with the Fall of Icarus’ by Pieter Bruegel. Amid the peaceful scenery, Icarus fell down to where the eyes can’t reach. This work portrays the intrinsic agony of humans. V jumping down symbolizes the death of youth and entry to the next phase.

Scene 10: The song Suga is playing is ‘Passacaglia’. In <Demian>, if youth is symbolized by ‘Matthäus-Passion’, then after realizing the evil, it’s changed into ‘Passacaglia’. In the music video, the drama is changed after playing this music piece.

7. THE WINGS TOUR IN SEOUL

"The boy moves forward." At the ending of the concert at Gocheok Sky Dome, Mokdong, Seoul, the concert that wrapped up the promotion of <WINGS> and <WINGS: YOU NEVER WALK ALONE> as well as began <BTS Live Trilogy Episode III: THE WINGS TOUR>, on the big screen covering the entire stage, were videos and text showing the past of BTS. Starting with "How many roads must a boy walk before he can become a man," to "A boy with seven hearts" and "What is the boy looking for with closed eyes," it ended with "The boy moves forward." The journey of seven boys who walk on the path that not even they themselves can know, and move forward. From 'school trilogy' to 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' and <WINGS>, BTS built their own story inside their albums. The boys who worried about their dreams at school, who experienced their first love at school, met the temptation awaiting them on the path of adulthood in <WINGS>. BTS in reality moved forward as well. The group that held their debut showcase at a small venue now sold out a 2-day dome concert in just 4 years. They also improved musically, with each of the members making a solo song in <WINGS>, and got their name on the main charts of Billboard and iTunes. Whether in the story of 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' or in reality, BTS faced many difficulties and worries, yet they became one and came this far. The huge venue, the fans who filled up that venue. And the seven boys who show the path they walked on. This concert wasn't just a mere concert, it was also the first stop on that path of theirs. The VCRs organized the stories BTS included in previous albums and unfolded the stories between 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa' series and <WINGS>, completing the stories of BTS in the albums as a whole. Meanwhile on stage, BTS' songs which each carry an individual concept were merged and separated. Their title songs from "No More Dream" to "Run" were connected into one performance, on the other hand, the solo songs of each member in <WINGS> took an important place as the center of the concert. Each of the individual performances were carried out in different methods depending on what they want to deliver, like J-hope's "MAMA" which turns into a large-scale performance towards the latter half of the song, or Suga's "First Love" that was like his own monologue. On top of that, the VCRs also portrayed each member with symbolic images. This concert didn't just merely show the well-loved songs by BTS on stage, it was the annotation and the finish of the stories in the previous 9 albums of BTS. If <WINGS: YOU NEVER WALK ALONE> is the story taking place somewhere between 'Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa’ and <WINGS> which wasn't revealed in <WINGS>, the concert VCRs offer a deeper look into the story of the members in <WINGS>. <WINGS> didn't expand the world of BTS through just the story only. The theme of <WINGS> - the growth of the boys who met the evil - was portrayed not only through the songs and music video, but also the individual short films and performances with every single movement carries a meaning. <BTS Live Trilogy Episode III: THE WINGS TOUR> also showed the story of <WINGS> on a large-scale stage. The world of BTS is no longer just depicted through music videos or images only, it's now depicted through a big concert stage. The advance of the boys has become the expansion of their world. Starting the concert was "Not Today" from <WINGS: YOU NEVER WALK ALONE>, and the ending act was the title song "Spring Day" of the same album. In "Not Today" music video, they remained unmoved despite being shot. We're bulletproof. It's what BTS is. The idols who show powerful performances. The group that called themselves "bulletproof" in their debut album has now become a group that sings about consolation and hope in spring days after 9 albums. A group that says "I miss you" to those they can't meet and hopes for the spring day to come someday. As much as the songs have changed, BTS changed and grew up too. The idol group that sang "No More Dream" went through "I NEED YOU" and "Blood, Sweat & Tears" and reached "Spring Day". But as they grow, BTS still maintains the 'bulletproof' side of them like in "Not Today". They have come a long way from "No More Dream", but they still remain idols and boys. Starting with "Not Today" and ending with "Spring Day", the concert showed the changing history of BTS as well as their unchanged identity. Compared to debut days, the scale of the venues has grown unbelievably large. They now perform in not only Korea but also Asia and the West. Despite that, they are still the BTS that block out bullets for someone else. Their rehearsals now take several days like the real concert, but they still work themselves into a sweat just like the time at the small venue. The concert venue filled with so many fans. The proof to what BTS has done so far is that they can tell those who couldn't be with them, tell their peers that "I miss you". Like the phrases in the concert, they 'shut the sky of youth away in broken drawers', 'search for a sea nowhere to be seen', 'in a world of swaying temptation', 'always alone in the moment of decision', but still, they moved forward ceaselessly. Like the man in the myth that wished to fly eternally, the journey of BTS is going out looking for a bigger world, bigger ideals and at the same time, sharing the worries with the youth of their generation, finding the answer and realizing about themselves. And after so many stories, <BTS Live Trilogy Episode III: THE WINGS TOUR> announced the end and the beginning of the story. The boy moved forward. And he shall continue to move forward, along the path called the never-ending question of the youth.

⬖⬖⬖

How many roads must a boy walk before he can become a man? School and home, alleys and the sea Shutting the sky of youth away in broken drawers At the dead end of the road is the entrance to the maze. Smeared blood on the palm, like a stigma. This pain riding up shoulder blades Is the dream of soaring wings. In search of a sea nowhere to be seen The boy walks. The boy with seven hearts. Seven beats and one move forward Upturned view and one is seven. To run is to fall without doubt. And to turn away is to meet the cliff. In a world of swaying temptation What is the boy looking for with closed eyes? Open the curtains and smash the mirror There will lie a road in the fragments. Outside is inside, inside is outside. An entangled world. The crossroad of everything. The two worlds, back to back, Relentlessly merge into one. Now the boy is seven on that road. Seven but one. Seven boys with one heart. One boy with seven hearts. One and seven, the reflection of each other. How many roads must a boy walk before he can become a man? Roads are another name for the world. Day and night, crossroads and tunnels. The roads take endless forks And always alone in the moment of decision. In meeting and separation, there is nothing new. If he turns around that corner, can he meet a day of his crimson youth? (If he turns around that corner, will the crimson flowers of youth still be in full bloom?) Where is this dream leading to? Fear is another name for hope. Tears are another name for smile. The boy smiles. He can smile because they are together. The boy moves forward. The boy grows up.

#bts #bangtan #ot7 #concept book #cncptbook #fucking finally. i finally did it. #this whole freaking book was 15k words #i can't believe i fucking translated 15k words

[smileyanie]

[TRANS] SNSD 'W' INTERVIEW ㅡ A DECADE TO REMEMBER, credit ch0sshi -TAEYEON Q: What did you think about the most while working on this album? TAEYEON: First of all, it felt difficult trying to show a [focus] point within our short parts. I think it could be because of my solo activities. Because, until recently, I lead a full song doing this and that by myself. Q: If you can melt in your charm into short parts that are shared by many others, wouldn't that make you a veteran? TAEYEON: I don't have a unique voice color. So it's not easy trying to express it in a short part with much impact. I thought a lot about how I could fit the flow of the members while recording. Q: You were the first to start solo activities out of your members. Your first solo 'I' was good, and the reaction was hot every time you released a song. What's an asset you gained through solo activities? TAEYEON: I learned that you have to be more detailed. Because they're all looking at me. As a Girls' Generation member, even without deciding it, everyone naturally took over certain roles and had their charms, but I had to show all of that alone. Q: If you had thirst for musical leadership, it must be relieved a bit now. TAEYEON: I actually put down any leadership and try my best to follow along and accept things. During solo activities, I could express myself well when I was comfortable. Because I can't be comfortable alone as a group, I try my best to get along with things. But, in general, rather than trying to give my opinions, I feel comfortable and like having specialists in certain areas help and hearing their thoughts. This time too, I liked hearing them talk about how they think Girls' Generation's 10th anniversary is like. Q: What kind of opinions did staff, who worked on the album, give for Girls' Generation's 10th anniversary? TAEYEON: Rather than giving strength, that we should go with a feeling of celebrating and congratulating the long time we've come with fans, like an anniversary. Q: You've once said that you don't write lyrics because it's difficult for you to express your feelings. That was kind of surprising because the longer you're active as an artist, you usually start to want to express yourself more. TAEYEON: I also thought about why I'm like that. More than anything, I think I also think about that with lyrics because I'm mindful of the misunderstandings people have, so I put up a kind of defense. Lots of people take the same words and interpret them differently. Even if I imagine something and write a story, someone could think of it as a real-life story. 'Be honest', I'm kind of afraid of situations like that, too. Q: Then what kind of appearance will you show? TAEYEON: Um, I think that there's a time for everything. I'm honestly careful about saying this too because people may interpret it like, 'Taeyeon, will not write lyrics'. It's just that right now just isn't the right time for me to actively write lyrics. There's no telling if there will be some chance or influence that will make me start writing away one day.

#taeyeon #girls generation #snsd #w magazine #w korea #a decade to remember #magazine #ch0sshi

[lgcseojin]

✱  BSIDE 004

⸻ disorganized lamentions of a scattered mind

Life is full of temporary moments of happiness.

Seojin can list off many too easily. Five minutes on stage, the push of metal strings against calloused fingers, his sisters calling him first, people who laugh at his jokes, sizzling strips of samgyeopsal, an intense soccer game, a look of passion from the one he loves. Everything he derives joy from is so fleeting—life is fleeting. So fragile, so precious.

He knows not to waste it. His worries over things culminate like the little frivolous blessings. They escalate from small to moment altering; day ruining. Needing to wake up on time, tentative diet and gym management, training, more training, growing older each year, regrets of interpersonal relationships, the hunger to debut. The more he thinks about one, the further his mind spirals. Seojin had never been one to linger on anxieties or what-ifs, but the fears ( irrational as they are ) take him down these unfamiliar roads, and they are lined with far too many unaddressed issues.

He meets eyes with anger, then complacency, abandonment. Even a tiger recoils in fear when faced with such beasts.

His head — he's in his head too much. There are no answers to his hundreds of burning questions. Not even God can help him when he asks for the hundredth day in a row for answers in prayers, staring into the darkness as he lay in bed. ( The one on the metal frame that squeaks with every adjustment. )

There are days in which he feels like a child again. His memories overtake his mind. Infancy to formative childhood; those years in which he was never chosen. The faces pass by to pick the calm infant, not offering the unruly child gripping a broken toy car a second glance. When he would pray, also, each night for it to change—so hopeful in his innocence. I want someone to finally choose me.

On others, he dreams of the days when he threw himself into the army. Driven by impulse, by sorrow and rage. His mind wanders to the camp in Pohang, when he lay awake at night with his combat knife gripped in his hand. He still hears the floor creak underneath cautious steps, the taunting eyes staring at him in the darkness, the sound of the alarm one hour early.

He wonders if all of this is punishment for hoping too much. For holding on to too many of those little moments of happiness.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #just a random solo about Seojin's mind lately #despite all outward appearances #i also wanna write more about his time in pohang

[lgcseojin]

✱ TRACK 012

— TEAM UNKNOWN: solo evaluation 파랗게 ( Love Me Harder ) ⸻ WOODZ ( performed by Park Seojin )

The last week of these evaluations cannot come soon enough. His mind is still reeling from his vocal performance of Miracles In December, and how it has already been two weeks back since each trainee was put out on their own. He still is prone to wonder if he did well; if his abilities would be adequate enough for the coaches.

The tenth and final week is the moment of truth, however. Anticipation leaves his stomach churning and his nerves raw. A week is more than enough time, he tells himself—reminds again that he is more than ready. The sore muscles and try after try during late nights had to amount to something.

But how much longer will I have to prove myself?

Seojin doesn't dress himself up in any particular way. He is under the assumption that anything would do just fine for an evaluation. Of course, he remains presentable—the freshly dyed ( and cut ) auburn red hair sitting on his head has been carefully combed through after a careful wash. He leaves it to part carefully over his brows. An impulsive change from the style he'd been sporting for so long now. The black jeans and simply white t-shirt he wears are for comfort; the leather jacket for part of his performance. Unconsciously, he has matched himself to the performing artist. ( He can laugh about that later. )

He gulps, fearing his throat may grow raw if he allows himself to ponder upon these things much longer. He can no longer sit in silent anticipation. His name has been called by now.

"Hello," He bows in greeting as he enters the room, standing in the center with his hands clasped in front of his lap. "My name is Park Seojin. I will be performing for you today. Please grade me well. I'm gonna do my best." He shoots finger guns and a smirk in the direction of the coaches before turning around into his starting pose, setting the leather jacket on the ground.

The beginning whistle tune plays and he spins around, timing his movements to the sound of a lighter. He sings atop the music with his strong voice, carrying the story of the song and concept. Halfway through, when there is a shift into the next verse, Seojin grabs the leather jacket on the ground and flings it over his shoulder while he struts around. When he puts it on and does the lazy walk in the choreography, he steps toward the female coach and procures a blue rose, aligning it with the soft phrase "she got deep blue". Perhaps it is obvious he has rehearsed quite a bit.

By the time he goes back into the performance, it is clear he has been fully immersed in the character of the song ( So much so, he doesn’t even notice his shoe comes untied. ) It is cheeky, daring, fun—so essentially him. In his mind, he is on stage, backup dancers behind him working in tandem and the audience in front of him. He even includes a wink or two before he is done.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:teamunknownmission #phew... #no pictures bc im nervous #but hes changing his hair next month

[lgcseojin]

✱ TRACK 013

— TEAM UNKNOWN: final meeting

Everything has come to a close now. The intensive training, his evaluations side-by-side with Akio, as well as those on his own. Odd—the usual energetic Park Seojin seems exhausted. He settles into his seat across from a coach rather calmly, hands clasped in his lap, legs planted firmly on the floor so he does not begin to shake them.

He finds himself at odds with the situation. His birthday has already passed. Twenty-two days into his twenty-fifth year. Five in total of which he has given to Legacy Entertainment, and nearly two in mandatory service to his country. As he sits in wait for the coach to speak, he cannot help but wonder if this had all been a waste of time. Did he throw his entire youth away? For what? Some pipe dream of making it big as a singer, only to be met with so many road bumps along the way.

Sometimes, he wonders if it would be better to throw it all away, rekindle his employment at the restaurant, run off somewhere and get married, and start a new life far away from his idealistic songbird aspirations.

Seojin convinces himself of much that he cannot grapple with. He thinks of opportunities slipping through his fingertips, sending him back to square one all over again. He hangs up his guitar for re-honing his dance skills, falls out with people, fades into the background to find his head again. In the meantime, he sits on the sidelines, watching friends made throughout the years make their debut and settle into anniversaries, accolades, accomplishments. ( And oh, how embarrassing he found it to be practicing their songs for his evaluation. ) His promise to his parents that he will make it big enough to buy them a new house passes through year after year. He assured that their risks would not be in vain. That he would not become a victim of circumstance. Did he fail them?

But the another question breaks the air—one in reality. The coach clears his throat. Seojin unconsciously mirrors him. "Alright. So, what did you find most difficult during the last ten weeks?"

"Well, dancing will always be difficult. I'm getting better, though!" A lot damn better. "It's like this... I think I can ride the beat and feel the music; considering I like it so much. It's all the other stuff that's hard. Flexibility is pretty important and the energy you have to divide between singing and dancing. I already had to do that a lot this year but I... wasn't really think so hard about it til now."

"And the easiest?"

"Singing... always. It's what I think I do best, y'know? It's what I'm the most comfortable with. Was hoping I could do more of it. I think I enjoyed practicing for my vocal evaluation the most. For me... singing is like breathing," But why is it so hard to breathe lately? He offers a bittersweet smile—lopsided as it is. "I hope it's always this easy."

"Did you learn anything about yourself during this time?"

"I learned a lot about myself. A lot more than I expected. Or maybe... some things were kinda reinforced, too? I wanna fight real hard against this need to give up. I feel like it would be really easy to, if anyone else were in my shoes? It's not like I'm feeling sorry for myself… but— considering everything... it's been difficult to think about it, y'know? I'm learning I can try to get past it. I can shout over those voices."

"Mostly, I found that even though I have this drive to lead the charge, if I wanna do that, too, then I also have to put my trust into others to care about me in return. I think leading is all about trust and teamwork. It's the only way it works well," Wow, Park Seojin. What a cerebral take. He nearly rolls his eyes at himself for stating the obvious. "The time one on one with Akio really helped me learn that. His attitude really helped me get by. He's also so amazing at dancing that I couldn't help but learn from him, too, and I wanna become better. But, uh... I'll be honest, I'm pretty tired after everything. Thinking... I might sit in a massage chair for three days after this."

The coach chuckles. Seojin mirrors him again without realizing. "Last one and you can go do just that," after nodding, he continues, "What do you wish to accomplish from here on, Seojin?"

He has to wonder if his confidence is dwindling—that roaring tiger within him reduced to a kitten. No, it is not so severe, but that tiger still dwells inside a cage. "A lot. Maybe too much?" The bars have plenty of rust. The weary tiger smirks a bit. Or is it a smile of utter complacency? "To put it simply: I want to debut. To no longer be a trainee. I have a hunger for it that I can't shake off no matter what. I want to be on the stage... I want to lead my own group. I want to do something new like...— Well, the senior I look up to the most is DBSD. Their energy, abilities, how great they are at entertaining and lighting up the stage. I've also really come to admire Shin sunbaenim... if one day, I can end up like them, no matter how old I am, I would be happy. Having those sorts of accomplishments would be... pretty cool," his eyes are a bit dewy—albeit bright—as they glance back up at the coach. "Is that wishful thinking?"

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:teamunknownmission #i also need to lay down for 3 days bc of this #these are his sincere thoughts and feelings #finally made new gif icons too

[lgcseojin]

✱  BSIDE 003

— DATED 10.06.2023 Helios Boxing Gym

Sometimes, life was a daydream — droning on endless with a subtle hint of sweetness. Like a long sip of lukewarm green tea or a spoonful of peanut butter.

The other times felt vaguely like a lucid state of being entrenched in fantasy. Anything you could have ever wanted. Saccharine flakes let behind on your lips for another reminder later on. It tugs on the ankles, lithe fingers circled around in a grip not too tight, but enough to entice to take another step forward.

But Seojin had never quite been fond of sweets. His tongue searched for something sour — sometimes, bitter. Life would give him what he asks for.

It is then that the image of a nightmare overtakes his mind. A voice scratches in the back of it, a permanent mark left with fangs and claws. The overflowing tastes blend together and make him sick, make his throat stick together so tightly that he cannot even expel the toxic bile that climbs its way out. And so, he swallows it down. Each time is a false triumph he takes over it to bottle it away in the pit of his stomach.

But it brews and brews, not content to settle. A fire in its infancy. The sparks ricochet off the inside, and burrows into the visceral fabric of his insides until it is time to take true form. It burns so violently, and he ignores it again to spite the pain.

Park Seojin is a hypocrite. He knows and he doesn't.

He speaks words of caution so many times — to not end up like him. Only he can handle such a heavy burden he puts himself through. Without suppression, without his role as a pillar, those around him would surely fall ... and yet, they do anyway. He watches, helpless, as those he holds dear slip away into the depths. No matter how he reaches out with strength, their grip on his fingertips is weak.

Failure, fucking failure. You failed them and you can't even help yourself.

The voice reappears. It speaks coupled with a laugh that mocks him while it chews at his organs with teeth that inject a decaying poison that he can no longer ignore.

He calls out to a guiding light, only to reject it when it tells him all the things that he wants to hear — all the things that he wants to badly not to be true. No, not that his life is extraordinary, nor that he is supposed to be strong all the time. That it is okay to feel like he is floundering, that he must accept the feelings to overcome them.

Leave me the fuck alone.

His hand rubs at the core of his chest, fingers digging into his sternum to massage away the tightness. They press down so hard that it leaves his skin sore and red. He pays no mind, not even as he stares himself down in the mirror. He sighs. His reflection glowers.

"What are you looking at?" Who is he, anyway? What is he even saying? This isn't a movie scene, nor is it real life.

Seojin backs away from the sink to step back into the main area of the boxing gym he often haunted. The frequency of his visits increased in accordance to his mood — something he had not quite realized, but the man at the check in certainly did. It becomes obvious with how intensely he swats at the bags with his fists; even more so when he abandons the hand wraps. ( Just to feel something. )

The crests of his knuckles sting after he washes his hands, each of them rubbed raw until red. He does not notice the crimson liquid that appears from some. Even as he approaches the horribly abused bag he had been attending to that entire evening. ( It helps him forget the soreness in his legs and the throbbing behind his ribcage. ) He grabs for his hand wraps, coiling them around his hands until he feels the edges dig into his skin.

Your temper is too short. Calm down. You can’t just take out your feelings this way. There’s a healthier way to let out your emotions, Seojin.

It's familiar, the phrases that flow into his ears from a voice over the shoulder his brain barely registers. Not until burly, callused fingers wrap around his own to cease his attempts at pummeling the bag once again. He turns his head toward the man, settling on the familiar face looking back at him with eyes that hold empathy.

He knew him from back then — the period of drills during his service in the marines done with the American soldiers. In those few months, Seojin took quite the liking to the older man's warm nature, initially drawn to his grandiose stories of his own service and tendency to show off. ( Indeed, the same man he spoke of to this day who caught fish with his bare hands. ) He contacted Seojin when he was discharged for a life-changing injury, urging him to come see him when his own service ended at his father's boxing gym.

"Don't look at me like that, Andy." Seojin snaps, teeth bared as they press into his lips. "Like what?" The man forces his hands to lower. "You're cut off for the day, kid. Go home." "Cut off," he scoffs. "What is this, a bar?" "No, but you're going too far. Can't have you start bleeding all over the bags." "It's not that bad. I've had worse." "I'm sure you have," Andreas easily puts himself in between Seojin and the bag, hands gripping his shoulders. His tone is calm and steady against the younger's need to bite. "You can come back later. It's getting late, anyway. Go home, okay?"

Seojin's face is painted with a scowl as he backs away and stumbles toward the exit, bag draped over his back. Fortunately, the little thing that lurks inside him is content to drift back down. The aim is to self-destruct — at least for now.

The nightmare has only just begun.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #this has... definitely been brewing since july help #i knew there was something wrong with him when i couldn't get the words out until now #he'll be fine and he's not hurt he's just an angy guy rn

[lgcseojin]

✱  TRACK 011

— TRAINEE MISSION: reflection vlog

Admittedly, Seojin did not get into the rhythm of relaxation until well into the trip. It was difficult to mitigate his workaholic tendencies and move past the many people he missed back home. ( Not to mention the lull in his work out routine and the separation from his beloved container of protein powder and vitamin packs. ) On the eighth day, he finally learned what it means to relax, dipping into vacation mode a bit too late. So here he is, on the seventh, finally feeling the tendrils of having a "good time".

He flicks on the camera while everyone else is busy wandering around the ship with a calming view of the sea. He tucks something onto the chair while he readjusts his stiff body. It appears to be some sort of small cutout of a person.

Letting out a loud groan with a stretch, he waves before giving a casual greeting in that Gyeongsang dialect of his he is unable to push down. "Hey, it's Park Seojin." Midway through his greeting, he glares playfully off camera to an unseen trainee pestering him off frame from the doorway. "Now that there's a moment of peace, I finally have my thoughts together. Maybe it's the sea air." Sarcastic, given his propensity toward motion sickness.

He finally settles onto a chair, clumsily readjusting when he nearly falls backwards. It's familiar, he thinks; a similar feeling to when he shot the reflection for Spring Boys earlier that year. Next time, he wishes for something he is permitted to be more dynamic in.

"So, I'm not really big on the whole Disneyland thing we did yesterday and I just spent time getting souvenirs for my sisters but... the other places outside, I really liked. You can play around or just sit around calmly. Glad we went to a bunch of nice looking parks. Next time, I definitely wanna go bungee jumping or do something daring like that sky walk in... Europe? I don't remember where it is. Anyway," a smile begins to form.

"My parents are probably relieved I finally got to relax even though it took me a while to kinda... get used to not being on the go all the time. It's been hard to focus. My younger brother enlisted in the military right before the trip so it's been tough actually calming down. My mind's still reeling and I'm all over the place." He sighs, desperate to drift from the painful topic he brought up himself. "Learning to sit and chill... It's underrated, for sure. I'm glad they gave us a chance to do something like this. Oh, and I did like the workshops where we got to cook, especially. I got to show off my skills to the instructors." He sends an intentionally awkward wink to the camera.

Seojin suddenly reaches behind him to grab for the cutout he placed on the chair earlier. He presents it to the camera. It is the size of a standard piece of paper, the image of his good friend Baek Byeongkwan printed out on it. Laminated, of course, with a nice pair of plastic sunglasses that he places on it with tape. He places his own down over his eyes.

"Also, since Kwannie couldn't be here, I decided to bring this along and take pictures to show him while we're floating along." After detailing more of his various adventures, he stands and shows the cutout to the camera, holding a peace sign with his fingers in front of it.

"Well, I gotta go do my work out. It's leg day." He waves to the camera, and on the way out nearly trips over the chair. He scurried to the camera to turn it off midway into a curse from the pain in his shin under his breath. ( Hopefully to be edited out. )

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:traineemission #he's insufferable #really it's the sea air

[lgcseojin]

✱  BSIDE 002

— DATED 7.13.2023

Seojin sends his younger brother off

The room is silent save for the occasional sniffle and whimper. Tears streaming down his younger brother's face cascade down his cheeks and neck — a waterfall of regret and fear. Seojin keeps his back turned, closed fist pressed against his mouth. In his other hand, he grips an electric shaver. The five round heads look up at him; gaze cold and steely.

"... I don't wanna go..." The young man sniffles. "Please don't make me go. I messed up. I really fucked up!"

"Chanhyeok... You gotta go... and don't even try to think about running away when you're there. Someone would come and get you." The sigh that falls from Seojin's lips is a heavy one — brimming with reluctance. However, he makes no ado about the process, running the trimmer through his locks bit by bit. Large chunks of black hair fall at his feet. "You're lucky I'm doing it here. When I went, the guys pulled my hair and cut my head."

"Hyung..." His little brother chokes out a whimper, hands moving to grab his neatly trimmed head. Seojin places his palm to the back and hums curiously in response. "I'm sorry..."

"Huh? For what?"

"E...— Everything. For... for causin' you trouble, bein' a pain in your ass the past seven years... mom and dad's, too. Dahye prolly hates my guts and Dasom doesn't even wanna do stuff do with me anymore... I'm sorry. I'm real sorry." The apology becomes mangled amidst hoarse sobs. "Wh—When I get done, I'm gonna get you a new guitar and take Sommie to Everland... a—and..."

The plea for forgiveness tugs at Seojin's heart strings. A solid lump pulls at the back of his throat. He looks upward to mitigate the stinging in his eyes. The most he can choke out in response is a strangled chuckle and shake of his head. He hands him the small bag of belongings he is able to keep after slipping a letter inside.

"Let's go. Everyone's waiting."

Dear Park Chanhyeok little bro, It's really funny. You're going at about the same age I did, and dad, too. All of us outta nowhere. I guess it doesn't matter that we aren't blood related at all cause it's true that these Park boys are a bit crazy, huh? Anyway, it's better to get it out of the way. I know what your goals are. You have people waiting for you to come back so do it quickly, got it? When you're there, do as they say. Don't cause any trouble, don't talk back. Don't showboat. Strive to just be average or you'll end up like me. Eat your meals. All of it. Even if it tastes like shit. Drink any water you can get. If a guy pressures you to smoke, sneak out, or pull a prank on a higher up, don't do it. Be on your best behavior and keep your mouth shut. You might end up in fights. Don't punch back. Keep on standing straight. Find some kinda hobby. Make friends with good guys. If you end up causing shit, everyone gets punished. I know they let you have your phone but don't use it too much. Give it up when they ask you to. Keep it and film something if any hazing goes down. Call me, or mom and dad if anything happens but go to your superior first. I'm sure stuff has changed since I've been there. I heard things are getting better or so I hope... If you wanna make it to the other side, you have to listen to me. You know how serious this is and I don't want you to have a hard time. Since you joined our family seven years ago, I knew there would be a lot to handle but you are my brother now. I care about you. You know I'm not great with words and might think I'm overbearing but it's for your best interest. I've watched you grow up from a teenager into an adult and I know you have a good heart in spite of everything that you've been through. You're scared but I know you can get through this. I'm rooting for you. Love you, Your one and only hyung

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #a bit in my feelings so i wrote this out #sometimes a little cry helps

[lgcseojin]

✱  BSIDE 001

FLASHBACK — APRIL 2018 : KATC IN NONSAN

A brief look into Seojin's time in basic training. ( CONTAINS: bullying, violence )

It was expected Seojin's stint in the military would be no walk in the park. His father warned him plenty of the hardships men would endure within — to which the overly confident nineteen year old assured him would be a 'piece of cake'. He could not bear to look at his mother during the induction ceremony, too focused on the guilt weighing him down and the final feeling of fingers through his overgrown hair before he loses it all.

Three weeks into basic training and it still did not feel real. The true gravity of the situation had not quite settled. Park Seojin still floated above the clouds, far above the other young men in his unit. They turned their heads away, concealing meek expressions and darting eyes. He, on the other hand, lounged about on his bed, feet propped up, music magazine held above his head as he nonchalantly flipped through the pages.

"...hey."

The opening of a door nor the sharp tone of a voice registered enough for a passing glance. ( Or perhaps he willfully ignored it. ) A melodic 'ooh' escaped his parted lips. "Gibson SG Special in cherry red satin? Damn, not for—" The printed images departed from his hands at full force. Above him lingered another trainee soldier, eyebrows curled like the devil horns of the guitar he had just been ogling. "Hey, asshole. I was readin' that!"

He had little more time to protest before hands gripped into his shirt and pulled him onto the floor.

"Sit up. I said sit up, kid! Are you fucking listening to me?!" "Yessir..." The response was laden with an exasperated sarcasm. "Louder! Tell me your name!" "Uh... YES! PARK. SEO. JIN." The flesh of his face and neck ignited in bright red, the blood rushing to the surface. "Does this look like a public bathhouse to you?" "No, sir."

"Did I give you permission to speak?" The other recruit clicked his tongue loudly. He raised his hand, pushing down against the back of Seojin's head. A resounding thud echoed against his skull. If he didn't know any better, he would have sworn his brain bounced around inside.

"Quit cuttin' me off! Last time I checked, we a—"

A loud grunt forced its way from Seojin's throat. How could his body have resisted the visceral reaction? Getting a shoe stuck in the ribs happened to be far too painful to ignore. He keeled over in his spot, forehead colliding with the floor. A fair amount of drool spilled from the corners of his mouth.

"I ask you fuckers to do my chores and our little roommate said you told him not to do them. You want to look down on a higher rank like that still? Fucking punk. You do what you're told." He dug in his heel. The feeling is familiar, painful against the healing bruise in the same spot. "I'm tired of your shit and your damn backtalk."

Seojin growled out a scream and raised to his feet, stumbling forward until his head collided with the other's abdomen to bring him down. Unfortunately, he caught his footing enough to resist and push Seojin into the nearest wall. The cabinets shook violently and the other new recruits retreated back onto their beds or closer to the door.

It did not take long for punches to begin flying. A throw against a jaw, the dull sound of a tooth cracking against a sharp knuckle. Seojin pulled his hand away, the skin on the surface bloodied and scraped. A fist collided with his cheek before he had time to duck. He bites into the delicate skin of his own lip. Informal boxing lessons could only get him so far. He had been in several real fights before, typically against those his own age, his own size, back in high school. This was different. The man attempting to pummel him into the ground was of taller stature, slightly overweight, and older than him. The fire only quelled when the unit commander stormed into the room. All broke into silence.

"What do you think you two are doing, huh? You think this place is a schoolyard?"

"Commander Choi, sir!" Seojin straightened his posture and gave a salute from his temple. "This crazy as— This soldier thinks he can push us around just because he's got a few weeks start on us, sir! Someone had to show him, sir!"

The commander removed his helmet, simmering anger clear on his scar-flecked face. "You both are still ignorant trainees. If you can't make it through basic without killing each other, how will you manage in your assigned units? You want to die here?"

Both young men shook their heads, chins now tucked against their chests.

"Trainee Kang, you are several years older than Park. You should know better and I will not tolerate abuse of power on virtue of days trained. You think because you have already been assigned that you can abuse power the day before you leave Nonsan?"

Seojin shot a glare in the other soldier's direction. "If only you knew, sir."

"Can it, Park... Before your mouth gets you in more trouble." The older man scoffed. "I want you to run 7 miles around the barracks and clean the toilets until they're spotless. The rest of your unit will do the same."

The other recruit unleashed a reaction he was unable to mitigate, protesting. "Shit, we're fucking dead!"

"What do you expect? All be punished for your screw up. They were obviously too incompetent to prevent you both from fighting. Now, out of my sight. CBR training is tomorrow." He placed his helmet back on, brushing past them. "And brush up on your etiquette, you worms."

"CBR? The hell is that?" Seojin waited until the coast was clear to mutter underneath his breath.

ㅡㅡㅡ

Commander Choi paced along the new soldiers, inspecting their posture and line of sight. "Chemical! Biological! Radiological! Today, you will be given a gas mask. Once you get inside that room, a gas will be released and you will remove your masks and endure! It will not harm you but it will be incredibly painful for those moments."

The booming voice carried, each loud inflection causing the man to Seojin's right to jolt and fidget about. He reached behind to give his wrist a light pinch. He would know what it meant.

They shuffled in a neat line into the crowded concrete room, nervous hands placing the gas masks over their heads. They were instructed to take a seat along the wall as the commander laid down some sort of device that immediately billowed with a yellow gas.

"Remove them." Silence. Stillness. "Remove your gas masks!" He commanded again — to which none immediately obliged. Not for thirty seconds or so. Several of the young men exclaimed with apprehension, hands kept firmly in their laps. They glanced around the room, making fleeting eye contact with one another.

"Fuck's sake..." Seojin reluctantly placed his fingers underneath the material, lifting it over his head.

To say the gas simply burned would do the pain no justice. It seeped into his eyes and mouth, scalding the open cut on his lip that was soon overrun with drool and tears he could not stop. He managed to keep his eyes pried open enough to see no one else with their masks off. Was he too impulsive?

Commander Choi's tone was understandably displeased. "I said take them off!" His eyes focused on Seojin, who simply stared forward with bloodshot eyes. "No one will leave here until everyone has removed them!"

He took in the silence; though, every second felt closer to a minute until the pain made him helplessly numb. He did not quite remember when the rest of the unit removed their masks, a few frantically running to the locked door in an attempt to save themselves.

Humans were hopelessly selfish, Seojin knew that well by now. How many times would he willingly make a martyr out of himself? Turn himself into Icarus time and time again?

( Isn't that giving someone like me too much credit? )

The primitive human condition displayed itself clear as day when the gas dissipated and the doors finally opened. The recruits frantically poured out, leaving himself and the nervous young man sitting next to him, Trainee Jung. He brought himself to his feet despite his sore legs, calmly reaching down to grab and pull him out of the concrete room. Jung leaned against him, coughing violently.

It was not until they made their exit that Seojin threw his head back and exhaled a strangled scream.

ㅡㅡㅡ

END OF PART 1.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #read at your own discretion #i started to write this last month but i am in my feelings rn #thought i might as well post it and finish the rest later when the inspo comes to me

[lgcseojin]

✱  TRACK 010

— LGC SPRING BOYS: reflection

When it came down to offering a reflection, Seojin's tendency to joke, speak casually, and inability to take much seriously shifted completely. Even that strong Gyeongsang dialect of his retreated into something more formal and concise. He recalled Hyuncheol's words. The company dedicated a large amount of time and resources into this project and any trainee ( or debuted actor and model ) would be a fool to take it for granted. Perhaps the addition of a number of stressful situations in his personal life piled on top of his career choice finally culminated and nearly managed to crush him. When not among the other trainees, he simmered down in this formal setting.

"I wannaㅡ I want to start by commenting that I'm seriously thankful for being granted with the role of subleader. It's a huge responsibility, and I definitely didn't take it for granted. It did a lot to help me keep my head on my shoulders, and make sure the other members could do the same. I commented before, I want to be someone reliable... someone that the younger trainees can look up to and come to for advice or help without hesitation or feeling scared to speak up. When Akio and Baekhyun came to me for advice or Byeongkwan needed to regain focus, it's when I really felt like 'oh, so this is real'. It was a great opportunity for me to explore and I liked it a lot, especially seeing everyone do so well afterwards. It wasn't easy. It never is dealing with other people, different views and working methods. But that conflict or those confrontations of where we could just strive to be better are necessary for us to work as a cohesive unit. A team... and the result just makes me beam with pride. It made me think that I could continue in a role like this. So, for that, I'm incredibly grateful that I got to do so... and I hope I did well helping Sanghyun out with his own larger role overall. I think we worked well together and he looked after me, too, when things were getting tough. There's still a lot I can improve and learn from."

He continued on with his reflection; albeit it was now teetering on a ramble. "I really enjoyed getting to know more of the guys and there were a lot of opportunities to. It got a little chaotic there but nothing I can't handle, right? I was also glad to see Jaesun and Yeonwoo but this time as celebrities. Having known them both for a while, it was kinda surreal to see them on a show like this." A smile bloomed on his face. He found the classroom setting especially fun, a good practice for when he goes on Knowing Brothers someday. Whenever that could be. "I just wish I could have teased all of the hosts a bit more. I was having fun, even if I was getting the wrong answers but going to Everland is a pretty good deal. Oh, and Alex needs to work on his rock paper scissors skills." He shot a playful gesture of finger guns.

"The thing is, I'm very competitive, in the end. It probably came through during the most during laser tag." Seojin laughed, seemingly amused by his own actions during the activity. He certainly treated it with passion. "I really wanted to win and there's this huge part of me that is super satisfied that we did. I hope Tee is thankful that the team brought honor to his name. Corporal Park made a reappearance on the battlefield." He gave a firm salute at his temple. "Plus, the bamboo festival was really fun and I enjoyed catching fish. It was really beautiful. Also, I'm into carving lately... so I paid for some to take home to practice on."

"And. Ah... The performances, though. I can't forget to talk about that." He glanced off to the side, slowly breaking into a bashful grin. He clapped his hands together. "The songs! I think that they fit the theme of spring well. Upbeat and refreshing. I'm... Well, my image isn't exactly a 'fresh' one, to put it lightly. I had a hard time adapting to it, like usual. I guess I've got more of a tsundere image, as it's called? Something sharp and playful... but I was able to show that I'm not just restricted to one box and that I have the ability to be more versatile." He chuckled, and grimaced at the replay of his own image in his head. "Usually I'm not into such bright songs, though, since I feel I don't particularly fit them... I actually really liked Do It Like This. It looked really fun and I'd love to do a concept like that. My good friend Noeul was in that song, so I'm a bit jealous. That song and LO$ER=LO♡ER were by far my favorites despite not being in those units."

Seojin hummed in contemplation. He was uncertain whether or not he should be completely honest or if a more diplomatic wording would be proper route. "The only thing is, I wish I could have gotten to show my vocal skills more... I feel I haven't yet had the chance to display that to the public yet. That's the only thing that felt disappointing for me. So I can only hope to do so more in the future and show myself as a capable vocalist." He spoke with a gentle certainty, a sincere glint simmers in his eye and small upturn of his lips brighten his face. The assertive and animated Seojin had taken a break to calmly explain his perspective on something he possessed so much passion for.

"I'll end this off by saying... I know because of how many other members there are, it would be difficult to organize and schedule everything but the fans and company will be satisfied with the result. I'm just happy to be able to be here. I'm so grateful to have even been given the chance. Seriously."

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:springboys #seojin rambling #mentioned a bunch of peeps!! #wrote this like a week ago but got too shy to post it until now... #sob

[lgcseojin]

✱  TRACK 009

— TRAINEE MISSION: project origin audition

Seojin would fully admit that he consulted his youngest sister for ideas. He was under the assumption that it would prove a decent starting point. If he laid out the details and sat her down with markers and a piece of paper, surely the nine-year-olds overactive imagination would come into play. He enveloped it in an excuse to see his family after an additional week of him moping around. They would revitalize his energy back to what it used to be.

Dasom blinked up at him above her small art table ( of which Seojin was persuaded to sit at as well ). "Persona? Ain't that a show Dahye likes?"

"Yeah, but it also means, like, how your character is viewed by others. As a noun. Also, isn't. Dont start talkin' like me." He interjected with a chuckle.

"I know what nouns are, geez!" She continued to scribble on the paper, picking the particular colors of black, red, orange, and blue. He observed silently until she finally scraped the paper up with her tiny fingers, holding the drawing up to her brother's face. It was, indeed, a picture of a knight. He was large and posturing ( as intimidating as a child's drawing could be ), posed with a giant sword and and dark armor.

"Okay. He is a super big and strong knight! He looks kinda scary because he likes to wear black and has glowy eyes but he's actually real nice and loves his family a whole lot! His power is super strength and he can punch through any rock he wants and punch super fast!" She thrust he hand forward in a punching motion. "The coolest part is that he just came back from the dead! But he wasn't actually dead. The bad guys tricked everyone cause he... um... Ca... Cammunded?"

"Commanded."

"Yeah, he commanded the other knight guys so the bad guys didn’t like it very much cause it's what they wanted to do and they were mad that they were being defeated. But now he's back to save the country and defeat all the villains so the good guys can finally win and the world is safe."

"Wow, look at that. Y'know, you're actually pretty good at drawing and coming up with stories, Dasom..." Expression softened, he leaned forward and brushed some of the hair falling in her vision.

"I know!" She giggled mischievously, only stopping when Seojin's fingers clamp playfully on her cheek.

———

The odd sense of deja vu did not hit Seojin until he stepped into the hallway. It crashed over him like an angry wave, threatening to take him through the inescapable motions to the bottom of the sea. It's happening again, his mind agonized over the thought, spiraling out of control into a web of self-doubt. Is this what anxiety feels like? What's with the nerves? Park Seojin doesn't get nervous.

He gulped down a large breath of air and stepped into the room, hand draped across his chest to rub at the upper left spot. He bent at the waist several times in a bow to each of the staff members inside. They met him with expectant gazes, their eyes silently examining his posture. He adjusted his posture to express his confidence, voice its usual self-assured timbre.

"Hello, my name is Park Seojin. I'm going to present my audition to you today."

After the initial audition of him displaying the skills learned during the workshop, he fished the piece of paper with his sister's drawing out of his pocket and pinned it to his chest on the spot, using his body ( and black t-shirt ) as an impromptu frame.

"My knight's main trait is that he strives to be a protector of all. A strong and steady pillar of support who can lead the charge against evil. He came from a land where family means everything; looking after one another is how you survive and it provides energy that can be used for powers. In the hilt of his sword, there is a gemstone crafted by his family that holds this energy. His power is superhuman strength, which is how he can carry around such a large sword, and his punches are quickfire like a boxer. It also means he can take a lot of hits without wavering. His appearance is intimidating and a lot of people find him scary at first, not wanting to get too close... but underneath the dark armor rests a lot of light and vulnerability... and also delicious snacks."

"Speaking of his armor, it's been damaged over time. Battle after battle... none of which he's managed to escape from unscathed because he will throw himself in front of the other knights to protect them. He is persistent and was even thought to be dead for a time but has returned with great strength honed from his banishment to a no man's land to separate him from the troop he used to command. Now he's managed to crawl his way back, wearing a fireproof armor, ready to serve. However, the knight is uncertain of his steps these days... he feels it will be his last chance to prove himself as a capable warrior if he can't manage to protect the knights from evil forces. Thank you."

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:projectorigin002 #extra emo bc i didn't get to do this for the first one #posting faster than usual bc i got hit with that 3am inspo truck

[lgcseojin]

✱  TRACK 009

— CASTING CALL 012: acting audition

A few years passed before Seojin could truly grasp the importance of acting in conjunction to his career of choice. He warmed up to the idea of taking a few improv classes and working on his facial expressions. Idols were meant to act on stage, and although music videos simply involved them looking nice, there was a fair amount beyond that. He eventually talked himself into going for the recent casting call. It was one of his core tenants that one misses every shot they don't take.

Camera in hand, he took a deep breath before conceptualizing his idea for a scene. He might as well type-caste himself, left to his own devices when it came to props, setting, and the like. His hands grabbed for the old leather jacket in his closet, topping off his simple choice of a white t-shirt and dark jeans. Under his arm, he securely held a helmet, the dark colors matching that of his motorcycle. ( Much to his mother's chagrin. )

Somehow, Seojin managed to find a park bench near the street and settled the camera on the back of his bag to imitate the view of a person. Only for a minute. It would only be a minute.

He drove his motorcycle into frame, stopping when the 'first love' was in view on the bench. He pulled off the helmet and ran a hand through his hair ( that was in obvious need of a haircut by now ). "Didn't make you wait for too long, did I?" His voice called out, Gyeongsang dialect heavy on his tongue. He took casual steps toward the bench, bending over slightly to make curious eye contact with the camera.

"You mad? Don't be mad. Promise there's a good reason." A mischievous smirk played on his lips. He stepped back to remove his leather jacket, 'wrapping' it around the camera after he pulls the imaginary first love to his eye level and toward the motorcycle. "It gets windy when you're riding, even on the back. I can't have you getting cold on me if I'm gonna take you for a ride with me like you said you wanted."

He twisted his arm to give the illusion of him helping someone onto the back part of the seat. To finish the scene off, he grabbed his helmet and put it over the camera.

With the filming over, his arms flopped to his side and he released a short yell, his hands curling into fists as they grasped the back of his neck. He grimaced and fell into a squat, nearly dying of cringe.

#✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #lgc:castingcall012 #avert your eyes #and then he died of cringe #as did i

[lgcseojin]

—  LGC CAFE: ✱  TRACK 007  ( TRACKLIST & SOLO )

Please Don’t... — K.Will Cry For Love — Shin A Story Sadder Than Sorrow — Kim Bumsoo (More Than Blue OST) I Will Go To You Like The First Snow — Woohee (Goblin OST) Back in time — Lyn (Moon Embracing the Sun OST)

Seojin had no true intention of weaving a story into the tracks chosen for his performance. The progression of the songs and the emotions and lyrical workings they contained was entirely unintentional. Something innate or subconscious congruent to his current dilemma involving matters of the heart. It told every bit of a roller coaster of emotions experienced by an individual perhaps too foolish to see the true answers right in front of him.

Coach Jeong fluttered over the titles with a quirk of a brow in the trainee’s direction. Whether from genuine concern or sheer curiosity, one could not be overly certain. ( He initially expected something with a bit more of a rock tone but Seojin rarely could be described as predictable. ) Seojin had been endlessly pleased with himself for getting his selection and run-throughs of the performance approved, even if it meant repeatedly singing songs rife with a sense of sorrow. More aptly — a broken heart.

Perhaps it was his own dramatic tendencies speaking, exaggerating the situation at hand into something it was not. Regardless, he would be pouring his heart and soul into the songs, no matter if his circumstances improved or not. Acting the part and properly conveying the lyrics was a rather important skill for any singer to have, after all. Without it, he would be reduced to a technically nice voice with none of the impact.

He stepped onto the stage, a large gulp of water poured down his throat before he introduced himself. Clearly, it was not his first time addressing a crowd in this manner.

“Hello, my name is Park Seojin. I’m glad to see everyone who decided to come out here today. Without even meaning to... my setlist kinda has a theme. When you desperately long for someone and want them to come back into your life and stay there. I think this will hit anyone who has been feeling this way, and I hope my voice can provide you with comfort.” He was getting ahead of himself.

“The entire set will be from singers that I look up to and respect a lot. Hopefully, I’ll do them justice.” He shot the audience a smile before standing by the stool positioned in front of the microphone, his left hand wrapping around the stem.

A familiar drum beat and guitar rhythm filled the room and a few of the audience members let out a knowing ‘oo’ when they recognized the famous K.Will song. Unexpectedly, his expression changed throughout his singing, matching the feeling of the music and lyrics. Even the occasional gesture with his hand  He became fully immersed, projecting every nuance as if it were he who had written them.

A stop between the first two songs and the next three did little to set him back into reality. His eyes remained downcast, collecting the words that tumbled at his feet. He waited until the tepid clapping stopped to proceed with his commentary.

“For the rest of the tracks— “ He cleared his throat and reached for the water bottle once more. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea to pick these. Everything just makes me think of you... “I will be singing OSTs from some dramas. I’m sure you all will know them well. Especially the last one. Feel free to sing along quietly if you know the words.” His eyes flicked upward, then scanned over the audience, shooting them another nod and smile — though far more subdued.

He sat this time, backing away from the microphone stand as the tender piano music began and he would sing out a few starting runs alongside it. Due to the fairly long introduction, Seojin took it upon himself to speak briefly. “Sunbaenims, I respect you.” It earned a handful of laughs and a moment of levity in between the sorrowful theme.

For a moment, he assumed he could set his heavy heart to the wayside but the relatable lyrics from Woohee’s emotional and touching I Will Go To You Like The First Snow proved enough to reel him back in. His throat tightened on the edge of the words, one or two of which he was forced to skip in a bid to compose himself. Park Seojin would be damned if he got choked up in public, in front of a crowd of strangers, no less.

I started to become greedy I wanted to live with you, grow old with you Hold your wrinkled hands And say how warm my life was

The final line of the final song, perhaps, acted as a sort of reassurance to himself. He did not plan it, only viewing Back in Time to be a gentle and less vocally demanding tie up. “I will be okay.” Not a question, nor an uncertain statement. An affirmation that would come to pass.

#lgc:cafeperformances #sorry... dangit... #sorry. dangit... sorry #i messed up!!!!! #575 posts #✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo ) #✱ ㅡ blueprint. ( edit )

[lgcseojin]

✱  TRACK 004

ㅡ    TEACHER WEEK: english is easy

Never approach a man with his back turned and his guard down.

A hand tapped Seojin on the shoulder — a tender, attention-seeking touch that should have been innocent enough. Unfortunately, the day of October 24th had seen the trainee paranoid, functioning on less than a few hours of decent sleep. His senses were simultaneously dulled and heightened, each in different areas. Stuffed nose, tingling fingers, louder sounds, dulled taste and fuzzy vision. 

Understandably, this put him on edge. He flipped around, releasing a noise of shock that sounded more akin to a war cry — what with his hands suddenly poised in a boxer's stance. A swear nearly fell from his lips until he laid eyes on the camera lens pointing toward him. 

The startled teacher wore a weary smile and turned toward it, then back to him, speaking clearly in English. Seojin's brain failed to capture and process it at first, blurring out an exclamation of confusion in Korean. 

The teacher waved her hand, "You have been chosen for today's mission!" She spoke in English yet again, making her voice a bit louder. "Please, introduce yourself and tell us your specialty and a TMI for today~"

He blinked, lightly rubbing the slight blur from his eyes. "Oh, right," He lifted his hand to casually wave to the camera, beginning to speak in the limited English he knew. In addition to his Korean accent overlaid a slight British one, something he unconsciously picked up from being around one of his friends. 

"Hello, my name is Park Seojin, I'm 23 years old... My specialty is singing and being funny." His eyes drift to the corner, trying to recall the proper verbiage and nouns for his next answer. "My TMI is..." Be proper. Be proper. "Today, I drank five apple juice and now I have to go to the bathroom." Blew it. 

His ears exploded in a red shade, teeth clenching as he gestured with his eyes that he was desperate to make his departure. He promptly bowed to the teacher and camera man when it seemed he completed the mission well and sprinted in the opposite direction.

#dishonorable #✱ ㅡ alone with my thoughts. ( solo )