#At this point I'm kind or scared that something did abuse/assault me and I've just suppressed it so well I have no idea | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spurgie-cousin · 1 year

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ok i couldn't resist i had to read the Jinger NYT article immediately:

(CW: sexual assault and r*pe mention)

they almost exclusively refer to Jinger as Mrs. Vuolo which for some reason makes me feel feral. it's just clunky and I don't like it.

the Jill Dillard erasure!!!!!! another article claiming Jinger is the 'first' to question her parent's religion when that is just 1000% not true and like, what kind of fact checkers would not investigate if any of her siblings were up to something similar?

and on that note, why won't Jinger herself acknowledge Jill???? purely to sell more books as the 'first' to break away, bc that's pretty irritating

i learned from this article that Bill Gothard never married which is just fucking hilarious to me. all these rules about how to live as a married couple and this bitch really had no experience or idea what he was talking about (another example of how men really do just be saying any old thing and getting away with it)

Jinger makes a point to the interviewer that the reason she is trying to avoid the term 'deconstruction' is because she doesn't want to scare off readers who might currently be involved with IBLP or similar structures, to which I say, fair. she says that of all the people who'd possibly read the book those people are her intended audience (although I'm sure she's not mad at being an NYT bestseller right now).

the interviewer notes that the book is very generous to Jim Bob in Michelle, which I know I've talked about a lot before, just noting it again.

apparently she talks about Josh a bit, says they haven't spoken in 2 years, calls him a hypocrite and compares him to Gothard so. at least there's some kind of shit talking.

Bill Gothard is still alive and has started a new organization, apparently. Jinger adds in the book that she believes the women who have accused him of harassment and r*pe.

here's what they include about MacArthur's church, which I think is important for people to know:

"Mrs. Vuolo characterizes her current church in Southern California as very different than the environment she was raised in. The church, Grace Community Church, is led by John MacArthur, a popular pastor known for his rigorous preaching style, his opposition to “superstitious” charismatic theology and, more recently, his resistance to keeping his church closed in the early stages of the coronavirus pandemic.

The church is conservative on issues like homosexuality, gender, and women in church leadership. Christianity Today reported this week that leaders at the church repeatedly advised women to avoid reporting their abusive husbands and fathers to authorities, and instead to forgive and submit to them. ..... The church plays a large role in Mrs. Vuolo’s family’s life. Her husband leads a Bible study group for college students and is employed by a seminary affiliated with the church, the Master’s Seminary, where he is working on a doctorate of ministry. “Becoming Free Indeed” credits a ghostwriter named Corey Williams who is the seminary’s chief communication officer. “This is what people won’t like about this story,” said Austin Duncan, director of the seminary’s MacArthur Center for Expository Preaching, who knows the Vuolos well. “They still have a standard of authority that’s outside of themselves.”"

To which I just have to say, nobody's issue with Jinger's religious affiliation is that she still "has a standard of authority outside" herself 🙄🙄🙄 or at least not people who are coming at the story in good faith.

The issue is listed clearly in the paragraph above that one: it's a church that still promotes misogyny and homophobia, and is anti-science and intellectualism. As did Bill Gothard, he just added a bunch of stupid extra rules on top of it.

#this article at least hints at the MacArthur church being not great unlike others #which i think is important for people who are interested in this story and the topic of deconstruction to know #sometimes unlearning doesnt make you a completely different person #sometimes unlearning just looks like a transference of anxiety from one authority to a less scary authority and sometimes that's also #the extent of it.#jinger vuolo #religion #becoming free indeed

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 11 months

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tw: csa and cocsa, mentions of mental illness and derealisation/depersonalisation, it may be considered a vent too so be aware

hi, i'm immensely grateful for having a place to say this, or to talk about it with anyone, so if any of the mods decides to answer this ask, please know that the time and effort you put into it is greatly appreciated and i hope the best for you. <3

so, i'm not sure where i'm going with this so i'll make sure to proof read it when i'm finished and i'll try to keep things the least graphic i can. i would say i'm looking for advice or help, but really, it's not like other people can dig in my mind and memories for me. so maybe just reassurance, because i really really need to speak to someone who understands and has gone through my struggles as well, and going through this without even remembering properly is frustrating.

so. i've been sexually assaulted or molested as a child. this is what i suspect at least. the signs have always been there, but i've also experienced other trauma and i have other mental illnesses and issues, so they could have been caused by other things as well. i also have an awful, terrible memory and a dissociative disorder (i experience both depersonalisation and derealisation, to the point of psychosis sometimes), so my grasp on reality and memories is not good at all.

two years and a half ago, more or less, a very old memory from my childhood, of which i remember basically nothing, came back up while rewatching banana fish, an anime in which some major themes are rape and the sexual abuse of children. at that moment i felt very scared and very confused, and i didnt know what to do of it. i think i also kind of forgot or repressed it again.

almost two years later (last october) it all came back up again and this time i actually processed what had happened. i still didnt know what to do of it, and i partially still dont know now, but it's been troubling me. this memory is of me being touched in a sexual manner when i was still a child (i estimated that it's probably from ages 5 to 9, but who can be sure). i wish i could remember clearly, and more, because i'm uncertain about the real perpetrator (i dont know whether it is the person i remember, or if i just replace the person in my memories) and whether it really happened, and even if it was only this time or others (which i'm very suspicious about since i don't think that my reactions are justified just by this).

it's scary and, if i am correct, it really has scarred me without me even noticing. i have so many doubts and the thought of it has been bothering me a lot. i don't wish to remember for any reason (since it wouldn't be useful at all anymore) except for the fact that i *need* to know and understand to what extent i've been traumatised and find the cause to the various signs i've noticed.

it's so frustrating.

i've actually compiled a list of said signs that i've noticed, other than the resurfaced memory itself, and i have all the more reasons to believe that if the body knows then it did happen, but i hate not having more to work on. the more i think of it the more unreal it feels.

- klaus

Hi klaus,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and please know you're not alone. It's important to acknowledge that memory recall can be tricky, and it's not uncommon to have doubts and uncertainties.

I think it’s important to consider that if you did go through something, it’s possible that you could be partially repressing it. Just because you don't have all the details doesn’t necessarily mean it didn’t happen, as memory is not only flimsy but having a dissociative disorder can exacerbate this.

That all being said, I don’t want to say for absolute sure that something happened because there simply isn’t enough information. If nothing happened, it would be dangerous to assume it did, so I would recommend to just give this some time and see if anything else comes up for you. it’s important to give yourself the time and space to heal and for those details to come back on their own. It can be distressing to not know where these things are coming from, but you can do damage to yourself when you actively search for memories that potentially aren’t ready to be explored.

Ultimately this could be something to explore with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, ideally one who specializes in trauma or dissociative disorders, can help you make sense of what you recall and give you ways to process this. Therapy can assist you in processing your emotions, managing dissociation, and gaining a deeper understanding of your trauma's impact.

Please know that healing is a gradual process, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain at times. By reaching out and sharing your story, you're taking important steps towards healing and finding answers. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #klaus

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cornerstorebitch · 3 years

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I know officially there's no motive for the shooting but from all I've read it kind of doesn't seem especially surprising to me. In fact not a lot of it does other than maybe the deaths themselves. I've read that he had severe untreated OCD (he started but quickly stopped medication from memory?) And essentially sequestered himself in his room, even going as far as to put alfoil on the windows and make his mother pass food to him instead of leaving. He had a Tumblr called gayfortimk and spreadsheets I think listing mass murderers and their body counts. It makes sense to me that he locked himself away and just let his fantasy of being another mass murderer keep festering.. but of course he was immensely socially inept and I personally think that's why he chose children, probably as you said in combination with his own childhood issues and wanting to "save" them before something bad could happen. Like...to put it bluntly I think he was too much of a pussy to target adults lol but maybe I'm wrong.

As for his mother buying him guns: idk obviously it's not like I knew them but I definitely have seen parents who give in to their unwell/demanding children regardless of whether they think it's a good idea. Like toxic/abusive home environments often end up with the parent having the obviously flawed idea of like...well he won't accept no as an answer and will react scarily/badly/harm himself or something so I'll just give in and hope by I can figure it out before something bad happens. That would be my guess but of course again, this is just speculation at this point on my part lol.

As for whether or not he could've done it I kind of think it was probably just an awful combination of like. Children being too young and too scared to run like adults/teens would and maybe just luck. It's a little murky but I've seen reports saying many of the children had multiple gunshot wounds, so it's possible he wasn't as accurate as it seems and maybe some were shot in succession and head shots just happened to be the kill shot

But idk. I'm not trying to say I'm right lol I just think it's a very interesting case to discuss

Adam lanza is one of the more fascinating shooters in my opinion because it doesn't seem as much like a rage/entitlement shooting and instead has a lot more weirdly specific issues going on

Idk

i really like your take on adams motivations - i think “being too much of a pussy to target adults” is truly exactly what it boils down to. especially if we’re running with the assumption that he was molested as a child and had severe mostly untreated OCD as well as other undiagnosed mental issues i imagine. he wrote extensively about “liberating children” from adults as well as about adult/child relationships and i think most of his fantasies about the crime did boil down to that - feeling powerless to take on the adults who wronged him in childhood/ would wrong other children, and thus “freeing” them by whatever means necessary.

and i do think nancy was essentially trying to placate him by allowing him to have access to her guns and teaching him to shoot. i said before that i think it was probably nancy, not his father, that molested him (if it was one of his parents) and if so then she would probably feel extremely personally responsible for his adulthood issues. i’m not sure if she knew or suspected what was going to happen - i think, honestly, she probably assumed he was planning to kill her and then himself and that’s the biggest reason why she didn’t try harder to put a stop to all of this before it could come to a boiling point. she really did think the problem was gonna solve itself

as for adams capability in committing the shooting - if he was responsible, he sure hit a wide streak of luck to even be able to shoot those weapons by that point, especially the assault rifle. i agree with you that the kids being easier targets does make it all seem more plausible than if it had been a high school shooting. also - the majority of the body count came from one classroom where he was essentially shooting fish in a barrel. so, i suppose, assuming he truly could carry aim and shoot those weapons i think it’s physically possible for him to have committed the crime. it just seems unlikely to me that he would even have the upper body strength to accurately shoot a hand gun, let alone anything bigger.

but, for me, a lot of this case just comes down to occam’s razor. if adam didn’t commit the shooting, somebody else must’ve put his body there, and that all seems more wildly implausible to me

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longgae · 3 years

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11 celebrities who've been called out for homophobic comments

This is gonna be interesting...

1. In 2020, Twitter users accused J.K. Rowling of transphobia after comments she made on Twitter. Rowling tweeted, "'People who menstruate.' I'm sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud?" Fans on social media quickly told the writer she was not being inclusive to the transgender community. Rowling backed up her statement by tweeting, "I respect every trans person's right to live any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. I'd march with you if you were discriminated against on the basis of being trans. At the same time, my life has been shaped by being female. I do not believe it's hateful to say so." She also said, "I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he's a woman – and, as I've said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth."

2. Kevin Hart stepped down from hosting the Academy Awards after his old homophobic comments surfaced, saying, "I am evolving and want to continue to do so."

Between 2009 and 2010, Kevin Hart made insensitive jokes on Twitter and in his standup specials. For example, in one tweet, the comedian said he would break a dollhouse over his son's head if it turned out he was gay. In his 2010 special, "Seriously Funny," he reiterated the point that he would act abusively if his son was gay. "I wouldn't tell that joke today, because when I said it, the times weren't as sensitive as they are now," Hart later told Rolling Stone. "I think we love to make big deals out of things that aren't necessarily big deals, because we can. These things become public spectacles. So why set yourself up for failure?" When it was announced that Hart was going to be the host of the Oscars in 2018, his past jokes resurfaced. After backlash from the public, Hart stepped down as host. "I have made the choice to step down from hosting this year's Oscar's....this is because I do not want to be a distraction on a night that should be celebrated by so many amazing talented artists," he wrote in a tweet. "I sincerely apologize to the LGBTQ community for my insensitive words from my past … I am evolving and want to continue to do so. My goal is to bring people together not tear us apart."

3. After Paris Hilton was caught criticizing the gay community in an audio recording, she apologized, saying, "Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know." In 2012, an audio recording of Paris Hilton in a taxi cab was leaked. According to reports, she was in the car with a gay man who was showing her the gay dating app, Grindr. In the audio, you can hear Hilton say, "Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. ... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS." Her publicist confirmed that the recording was in fact Hilton but emphasized the socialite was not homophobic. (Are they sure about this? God...) In an apology statement, Hilton said, "I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans, and their families. Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know."

4. After a member of the audience called out Tracy Morgan for his homophobic remarks during a standup set, the comedian apologized. In 2011, a man chronicled Tracy Morgan's standup set in Nashville on Facebook. In the post, the man said Morgan said being gay is a choice because "God makes no mistakes." The comedian also allegedly said he would stab his son if he came out as gay. (Kevin Hart, you here?) After backlash and a half-hearted apology on "Late Show with David Letterman," Morgan issued an official apology. "I want to apologize to my fans and the gay & lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville," he said. "I'm not a hateful person and don't condone any kind of violence against others. While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context." (Good sir. There is more to LGBTQ+ then just gays and lesbians)

5. Sarah Silverman used a gay slur in a 2010 tweet. When asked about it in 2018, she said, "I'm certainly creative enough to think of other words besides that that don't hurt people." In 2010, Sarah Silverman tweeted, "I don't mean this in a hateful way but the new bachelorette's a f-----." Although the tweet went relatively unnoticed at the time, it picked up momentum again in 2018 when people pointed out that it was unfair for Kevin Hart to step down from hosting the Oscars for doing something similar. "Yea, I'm done with that," Silverman told TMZ when she was asked about it in 2018. "I think I can find other ways to be funny. I used to say 'gay' all the time like, 'That's so gay!' Because we're from Boston. We'd go, 'That's what you say in Boston. I have gay friends. I just say gay.' Then I heard myself, and I realized I was like the guy who'd say, 'What? I say colored. I have colored friends.' I realized it's stupid, and I'm certainly creative enough to think of other words besides that that don't hurt people. But I fuck up all the time."

6. Eminem has been criticized for using gay slurs in his songs, but he insists he isn't homophobic. In 2018, Eminem released his album, "Kamikaze." In one song titled "The Fall," he focuses on fellow rapper Tyler, The Creator. In the song, Eminem raps," "Tyler create nothin', I see why you called yourself a f----t, bitch." This wasn't the first time rapper had been criticized for using a gay slut. Throughout his career, he has used similar words in his songs and received a lot of criticism for it. Eminem, however, insists he is not homophobic. "The honest-to-God truth is that none of that matters to me: I have no issue with someone's sexuality, religion, race, none of that," the rapper told Vulture. "Anyone who's followed my music knows I'm against bullies — that's why I hate that f---ing bully Trump — and I hate the idea that a kid who's gay might get s--- for it."

7. Mel Gibson mocked how gay men act in the early '90s. While doing an interview in 2001 for Spanish newspaper El Pais, Gibson said, "With this look, who's going to think I'm gay? I don't lend myself to that type of confusion. Do I look like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?" Throughout the '90s, GLAAD protested Gibson's films, but the actor refused to apologize. "I'll apologize when hell freeze over," he said. "They can f--- off."

8. Alec Baldwin went on a homophobic Twitter rant against a reporter he did not agree with. He later said his remarks were "in no way was the result of homophobia." In 2013, Daily Mail reporter George Stark wrote a story accusing Alec Baldwin's wife, Hilaria, of tweeting at James Gandolfini's funeral. Baldwin took to Twitter to express his anger at Stark, calling the reporter a "toxic little queen," among other comments. In an interview with the Gothamist after the incident, Baldwin stood by his decision to call the reporter a "queen." "The idea of me calling this guy a 'queen' and that being something that people thought is homophobic … a queen to me has a different meaning. It's somebody who's just above," he told the publication. "It doesn't have any necessarily sexual connotations," Baldwin said. "To me a queen ... I know women that act queeny, I know men that are straight that act queeny, and I know gay men that act queeny. It doesn't have to be a definite sexual connotation or a homophobic connotation." He later issued an official apology, according to The Hollywood Reporter. "My anger was directed at Mr. Stark for blatantly lying and disseminating libelous information about my wife and her conduct at our friend's funeral service. As someone who fights against homophobia, I apologize," Baldwin said. "I would not advocate violence against someone for being gay, and I hope that my friends at GLAAD and the gay community understand that my attack on Mr. Stark in no way was the result of homophobia."

9. Chris Brown also used homophobic language (no shockers there) when talking about another rapper, but he later said, "I love all my gay fans." In 2010, rapper Raz provoked Chris Brown when he tweeted about Brown's past assault on Rihanna. Brown responded by attacking Raz on Twitter, referencing the fact that Raz was molested by another man as a child and calling him a "#homothug." "I'm not homophobic! He's just disrespectful," Brown tweeted later. "BTW…I love all my gay fans and this immature act is not targeted at you!!!! Love."

10. Azealia Banks has a long history of problematic comments, but she has since said she will no longer use gay slurs. In 2015, singer Azealia Banks was caught on camera yelling at a flight attendant after getting into a fight with a fellow passenger. In the video, you can hear Banks call the flight attendant a gay slur, according to HuffPost.She later tweeted about the incident, writing, "I don't care. I've said it before and I'll say it again."Banks' history with the word doesn't stop there. In 2016, she used the word to attack fellow singer Zayn Malik on Twitter, leading to the deactivation of her account. She has also called the LGBTQ community "the gay white KKK. Get some pink hoods and unicorns and rally down rodeo drive."In 2016, however, she announced she is never using the gay slur again. "The amount of people that get hurt when I use the word vs. the amount of people I've said it to are just not worth it," she wrote on Facebook. "Honestly... This isn't a cop-out, it's just me realizing that words hurt. and while I may be immune to every word and be thicker skinned than most, it doesn't mean that I get to go around treating people with the same toughness that made my skin so thick."

11. Drake Bell received backlash after posting a transphobic tweet. He later called the remarks "thoughtless." When Caitlin Jenner came out as transgender in 2015, Nickelodeon actor and singer Drake Bell tweeted, "Sorry...still calling you Bruce." After receiving backlash, he deleted the tweet and then posted another, misgendering Jenner. "I'm not dissing him! I just don't want to forget his legacy! He is the greatest athlete of all time," Bell tweeted. "Chill out!" After that, he tweeted out an apology. "I sincerely apologize for my thoughtless insensitive remarks," Bell wrote. "I in no way meant to hurt or demean those going through a similar journey. Although my comments were made in innocence, I deeply regret the negative effect they've had on so many."

Here are some tweets that were mentioned earlier (I couldn't find all of them)

So... yeah

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chloelovestaylors · 5 years

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In response to Taylor’s ELLE article

I've switched between my phone notes and my iPad notes and a notepad, all before 7am this morning, to voice how much this article has meant to me. I'm unable to collect my many thoughts following reading such a poignant and beautiful piece of writing. For some, it may be just an article filled with advice and lessons learned by some celebrity; to me, it's a collection of advice given to me by my pseudo big sister. It's her telling me some of the tough love that I've been scared to receive, it's her caring about me enough to tell me things I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. It's her talking to me about things that I haven't let anyone know I'm struggling with. I still don't know how to start explaining my gratitude for her and I don't know how to start with how many of her lessons hit close to home. She delivers them with such grace and from a point of such wisdom that I can't even fathom. Yet she also delivers them with humour and in a way that drives her point home. I can only hope to one day be able to use words in the same way. I could go on for hours about how each piece of advice has already deep rooted itself into the part of my brain that usually turns on me, but for now, there were four lessons that apparently hit hard as I felt the need to screenshot them on my first read at 5am this morning.

Lesson two: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble.

I am a caring, empathetic, passive person by nature. That's just who I am. But, I've had to learn how to be that without being so far into the idea of being nice and kind that I neglect to recognise when someone's hurting me. This is still something I'm learning. Learning to grow a backbone and fight for my own happiness instead of being an incessant people-pleaser. Because this trait is so easily manipulated and taken advantage of by everyone around me.

Lesson four: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body.

This is something I'm no where near accepting. I am overweight, it's something I've had to accept due to medication I have to take to control my anxiety and depression, it's something that is written in my genetics. It took me a moment to process this part of the article. Especially the part about shiny hair and more energy. I never tell anyone about this, I'm open with a lot of the hardships I've gone through, however I never mention I've had an eating disorder. Because when I do, people look at me and assume I'm lying because I am overweight. But those nights of calorie counting and diary entries of weight don't discriminate. I've struggled with this for a long time. I recovered in 2017, but in the last few months, I've been slipping back. And it's the most frustrating whirlwind of emotions to relapse into something when you KNOW it's bad for you. When you've worked so hard to get your hair shiny again, when you've cut your waist length curly blonde hair into a shoulder length bob because nothing mattered anymore and now you're FINALLY growing it out again. It's horrible. Reading this lesson obviously doesn't immediately fix me. That's going to take time. But what it did do was remind me that I'm not alone. No matter how isolating this all is.

2013 (the beginning of it all), 2017 (where i chopped all my hair off), Now, where I really want to keep the shine.

Lesson thirteen: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim.

It was hard to hold back tears reading this one. Almost to the day, a year before Taylors sexual assault trial, I finally admitted to myself that I was sexually abused multiple times as a child. It took me another couple of months to tell anyone. Which made it almost 11 years since the first incident. It took me 11 years to understand what happened to me. I was lucky, the people I told first, my best friend and my teacher, they believed me. That weight being lifted off my chest felt like I could breathe for the first time in 11 years. I made the decision not to report it, which is a decision I'm still struggling with. But it was because I was, am, terrified. Of him, of a possible trial, of being questioned when I KNOW what I went through. There's no evidence. Nothing to prove the horror I had to endure multiple times at 5 and 6 years old. Taylor, in a sense, saying she believes me made me tear up because I'm still constantly terrified, even 2 years later, that people are going to tell me I made it up because I didn't speak about it. But to them I ask what 5 year old you know that would tell someone about something that was presented to them as a 'game'.

Lesson twenty-six: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about.

Reading this, I smiled. I was transported back to being 13, counting down to the red tour. 13 was hard. A lot of years were hard, but 13 is where it got really bad. I really wanted to end my life that year. It got so bad that I had a plan and a date. I was ready to do it, but I had just gotten tickets to see Taylor for the first time ever on December 14th. I made a countdown on everything I could. It turned into my motivation to stay alive. Even all my teachers at school knew, and every class I would go into, they'd immediately ask me 'how many days Chloe?" and I'd tell them. Eventually it changed from 84 days to 45 to only a week. In that time I had started therapy and was working really hard to hold on. I held on to see Taylor. And even now, that's what keeps me holding on.

Taylor, I cannot even begin to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and the advice you have given me indirectly through growing up. From age 7 to almost 19, I couldn't imagine someone better to guide me through.

@taylorswift

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amaintainedrisk · 5 years

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i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.

I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that I’m not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I don’t have it in me to tell everything right now. It’s going to have to wait until this headache passes.

Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.

One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.

Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.

even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.

to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.

I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.

do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again now… Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.

Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden that… I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went

unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.

So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.

Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.

And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.

… It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.

if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.

I love you.

this is the link to my Vimeo Page:

https://vimeo.com/user79298455

although I just noticed that I don’t think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. I’m not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know I’m not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani

Deserved to be beaten

https://vimeo.com/300103444

Mental and physical

https://vimeo.com/300103444

when they abuse me, it’s to protect my feelings

https://vimeo.com/297632955

worthless

https://vimeo.com/270006846

nervous breakdown

https://vimeo.com/266402098

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Tw domestic abuse, sexual assault, suicide, self harm and eating disorder mentions (those last two not in detail, just mentioned)

Nickname: turquoise

Looking for advice, either on how to get out or just come to terms with this being the rest of my life, either way.

So I have a situation kind of similar to this ask posted just now.

https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/712807834009665536/tw-romantic-partner-violence-hey-so-ive-known

I've been with my wife for seven years now. A lot of her issues come from childhood trauma, but it's just...been wearing me down lately. Nearly from the start there were emotional issues between us, and physical violence and one sexual assault within the first six months (she said I agreed to let her do stuff while I was asleep but I don't remember that, and either way she didn't stop when I asked her to). I'm honestly not sure why I stayed but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I kept thinking it would get better but it didn't and at a lot of points I was genuinely scared for my safety, especially since the one time I did try to leave she found me in under a day and the friend I'd run away to decided I should go back home with her since, in her words 'well, you are kind of a bitch'. Anyway, there would be times when things got better but they'd always get bad again. We're in one of the better periods, though recently there's still been a lot of emotional stuff, some minor physical stuff (only small bruises and no lingering pain) and two sexual assaults last week. Still, things have definitely tapered off from a couple years ago, and she has been putting in more effort to be nicer, so if nothing else it's been a while since I've been balled up on the floor trying to be a small target so that's something. Still, as much as I should be happy about that I just...honestly I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I can't seem to stop being on edge no matter what happens, even though she gets mad at me whenever she notices that.

Also over the past two years she's developed significant anxiety, to the point where even after being on meds and in therapy for over a year she says she can't work.. We have no income now and I have a lot of my own mental difficulties that have made jobs difficult for me for most of my life (not self dxing, but likely autism and ADHD and a PD that have never been treated, along with a lot of past trauma from her and people before her, that's she's sometimes triggered on purpose or been dismissive of, though she is trying to stop that), but more difficult since I met her, especially since I've spent the past year at least in one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in my life, with my self harm and eating disorder getting worse again (both of which she knows about and does not respond well to at all), to the point that I'm pretty much always passively suicidal and have attempted a few times. At the very least I'm out of the bout of drinking I dealt with for a few months. I'm not outlining this to make anyone feel bad for me, just to point out that a full time work week, especially in the kinds of fast paced, people centric jobs I could reasonably get, would be very difficult for me to handle at this point. I've asked her if we could both work part time, since I thought a few days a week for each of us would be easier to handle, and at first she said yes but now she's flat out refusing, saying that since she supported us for a while she deserves a long break too, completely glossing over how often she hit me during that time and how generally shit she made me feel every day, or the fact that the abuse didn't stop when I went back to work, or that the circumstances that led to it being best for only her to work in that time were out of our control.

Basically, I want to leave. Ideally I'd just leave her, but she says she can't survive without my support, and that she'll kill herself if I actually go. I don't know if that's true or not but I don't want to find out the hard way, but I also know I can't handle both working full time and taking care of her full time (she refuses to do anything at home or to manage and organize our lives either, sometimes to the point of yanking me out of bed after only a few hours of sleep to make her food even though she is able to cook, arguably better than me).

Im basically never happy, and I want to leave but I can't, not with the way she is mentally now, not with what she might do, especially since the only person I know she could go to is her mother, who wouldn't be accepting of her being trans which isn't something I want to put her through. I've been thinking of asking a friend or relative of mine (what few I have left after she isolated me for so long, since I can't drive and for years she's been in charge of if I leave the house or not, which she rarely lets me do), to let me stay with them during the work week, since it would be easier to find and keep a job that way. I'd have limited contact with my wife, only seeing her on the weekends and preferably not talking much during the week, but still with me supporting both of us.

I don't know if she'd go for this, or even how to ask, but I know I can't handle dealing with both work and her and my own issues at the same time. I've tried to say this a bit and she's said I'm just being whiny and lazy, so I just don't know what to do or how to fully broach the subject, but I'm just so scared for the future between us in general.

I'm sorry this was a long post my thoughts are just not organized sometimes. Thank you for everything you do.

Amendment from turquoise. Abuse mention.

I just really wanted to clarify that I don't want anything I said about my wife to be attributed to the fact that she's trans. I don't think any of the mods of this blog would do that, but I just worry that others would, or that it came across as me saying her abuse and her gender are somehow connected but I swear I don't think they are and if anything came across that way I never meant for it to. I know most trans people don't hurt others (not to mention I'm trans myself but that just didn't seem relevant, still not sure if it is here)

Basically I just hope I didn't paint an entire group in a bad light and I really didn't mean to if I did sorry I was just worried about that.

Hi turquoise,

I'm so sorry about what's been going on. Also, I wouldn't worry about potentially coming off as transphobic, I don't get that vibe at all and I see what you mean to say quite clearly.

Just because the abuse has been tapering off doesn't mean you should tolerate it. Being assaulted violates your boundaries, and it's important to respect and assert them. Just because it's tapering off doesn't mean you're supposed to be happy in this relationship. It makes absolute sense why you still feel like shit. You're on edge because you may have developed trauma responses and you're around someone who your brain has been conditioned to perceive as a threat.

Emotional availability is essential for the longevity of a relationship. For your partner to not be there for you or respond well to depressive episodes or even suicidal thoughts is definitely a problem. I feel like if she truly cared about you she would make a better effort to be there for you, especially when you're contemplating suicide.

It sounds like your partner is refusing to share the responsibility of any productive or reproductive labor, which puts unnecessary stress on you. Just because she's been working doesn't mean you have to do everything. Most people just continue working without breaks, you know? So how is it fair for her to refuse to work when that means no income? It would make more sense if she was overwhelmed with burdens, but she really has pushed virtually every responsibility of hers onto you and is expecting you to be absolutely fine with that.

It seems like you've tried communicating with her but she's given you a hard time. If it is safe to do so, it may be helpful to simply assert a boundary such as "I feel x when you do y. If you continue to treat me this way, this isn't going to work." Just letting her know where things stand may be helpful in terms of communication, but if this would be unsafe to do, then it may be best to simply leave without warning.

Like I said in the other ask, if she is going to choose to mistreat you then it is your right to leave if necessary. It's a hard decision though of course, because you don't want her to go back to her abusers, but really, that's not your problem. If you need to leave then you need to leave, where she goes is not really for you to worry about. It's important to assert your boundaries and put your foot down when you've had enough, even if it doesn't benefit everyone.

Abusers often block the exit in various ways, and that can include threatening suicide. Please know that it is manipulative for someone to blame suicide or self harm on someone else. It is your right to leave when you want or need to. Your partner's actions are her responsibility alone. Breaking up does not hold you liable to what your partner chooses to do as a result.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sa #tw r #tw emotional abuse #tw self harm #tw sui #turquoise #trauma details

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