#Cassiopeia Potter Throws a Wrench Into Things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cassandra-starflower · 3 years

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I would like to compile my favorite lines (the ones that crack me up) from Cassiopeia Potter Bashes a sQuirrell, some of which were written by me and others of which were written by @selenestarflower.

“Vernon worked at a large drill company, Grunnings, where he sold drills and yelled at people. He was so good at yelling at people that he’d been promoted several times.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“According to the Dursleys, they had been orphaned in a car accident. This was not actually true. Not that they were aware of that.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“Harry and Cassie Potter did not sleep in two of the bedrooms in this four-bedroom house. Instead, they slept in the cupboard under the stairs. It was very crowded.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“They’d shared the cupboard under the stairs for as long as either of them could remember, though sometimes they supposed they must have had a crib for a while.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“Harry…”

“Yeah?” Harry looked up from where he was absently tracing lines on the kitchen table (currently groaning with presents for Dudley).

“Is this burning?”

Harry got up and came over and looked. “Nope.”

“Thanks.” Cassie went back to glumly staring at the bacon.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“The snake lifted its head and winked at them. Harry winked back. Cassie blinked. (Winking was hard, okay?)” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

“Harry startled to his feet and tucked the letters with his (Well, it said Hadrian but that could just be a spelling error or something) and Cassie’s names on them into his shirt.” (Chapter Two: Harry and Cassie and the Mysterious Letters)

"Thirteen and a half inches, yew. And phoenix feather of course. The very wand that gave you those scars. Curious, indeed, how fate works in her twisted ways. He did great things you know. Terrible. But great. And I see from your wand, and your scar, Mister Potter, that you shall do great things too. The nature of which… is up to you."

Harry looked slightly traumatized. Cassie didn’t blame him one bit.” (Chapter Six: Ollivander Puts Silencing Charms On His Feet and You Can’t Convince Me Otherwise)

“Harry peered around the doorframe, just ahead of Cassie. She scurried over and peered around the frame above him, using her old levitating trick that she used nearly exclusively for Scooby-stacking with her brother.

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were sitting at the breakfast table. Uncle Vernon had the paper open on the table, and Aunt Petunia appeared to be knitting. Cassie hadn't known their aunt had hobbies.” (Chapter Six: Platform Nine-and-three-quarters, AKA What The Fuck)

“Somehow the twins had convinced the Dursleys to drive them to King's Cross. There may have been some blackmail. There may have been some manipulation. The point was, the Dursleys were driving them to London, and the twins were packing.” (Chapter Six: Platform Nine-and-three-quarters, AKA What The Fuck)

“They stood awkwardly for about five minutes before they spotted the entire colony of redheads with trunks making their way toward the wall separating platforms nine and ten.” (Chapter Six: Platform Nine-and-three-quarters, AKA What The Fuck)

“To Cassie's eternal frustration, she and her brother would probably actually be able to pass as an above average tall person if one stood on the other's shoulders. They were tiny. (Chapter Six: Platform Nine-and-three-quarters, AKA What The Fuck)

"I'm Ron Weasley," the boy said while swinging his trunk up with ease. Tall people.” (Chapter Six: Platform Nine-and-three-quarters, AKA What The Fuck)

“Cassie made a brief and fairly useless attempt to corral her long and notoriously difficult hair before giving up,” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“Cassie made another attempt to corral her hair. The last thing she wanted was to be set on fire by a magic candle.

There was a stool with a raggedy hat. Cassie could almost hear Aunt Petunia shrieking about the dirt.” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“Also, the hat could rhyme.” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“It turned out Annoying Blond was named Draco Malfoy, which was one of the most pretentious names Cassie had ever heard.

And her name was Cassiopeia!” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“So the sudden quiet when the Headmaster stood was nice.

Then he started talking.

Excuse me.

FORBIDDEN THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR?

Might die?

What?

None of that seemed legal.

Also.

Forbidden Forest?

Why on earth would the forest be forbidden?

Cassie made a mental note to explore. Whatever was in there must’ve been really cool and interesting.” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“And now, the school song!”

The what now.

Cassie ended up grimacing her way through the entire thing. She didn’t have anything against singing as a general rule, but why? Why, God, why?

Was this punishment for some evil deed she had done in a past life?

Why did this song not have a tune or a time signature or anything?” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“Password?” the lady asked, because apparently paintings did that in the Wizarding World.” (Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat)

“In the first week, Cassie decided that this school needed some changes.

First of all, History of Magic, which should have been fascinating, was, a, taught by a boring ghost with a monotonous voice, and, b, apparently starting with goblin rebellions.

Secondly, Professor Quirrell should not have been a teacher, since he was apparently terrified of his own subject and also smelled really bad.” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“Also, it was absolutely one-hundred-percent not her fault that she, Ron, Harry, and Hermione were now on Mr. Filch’s shit list. None of them had known that was the certain-death third-floor corridor, after all. If it was anyone’s fault, it was Ron’s, for trying to force a locked door.

Even if it had been just a broom cupboard, it was probably locked for a reason.” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“(Also, moving stairs? Really? Someone was going to die toppling off of a staircase some day. Not to mention it seemed like the floor plan changed on a daily basis. What even was this school.)” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“In Transfiguration, they were given a demonstration involving McGonagall turning her desk into a pig and back again, which sent Cassie down a mental rabbit hole about how it must feel to be an inanimate object briefly turned into an animal. Was it terrifying? Or was Cassie ascribing human emotions to non-human beings?” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“Cassie whipped out her own wand, nearly brained herself with it,” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“it was nearly time for their first Potions class with Professor Greasy, who had been giving Harry in particular murder stares for the last week.

Cassie did not like that at all, given that her brother had never done anything wrong in his life, ever, let alone to this grown man whose name neither of them knew.

So.

She was just going to make herself so annoying that he would hate her instead of Harry.

What could possibly go wrong?” (Chapter Eight: Let’s Face It, Hogwarts Should Have Been Shut Down at Some Point During Harry’s Time There)

“(Cassie couldn't contain a snort. As if poison wasn't premade and sold at stores.)” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

“The room fell quiet. Cassie could see that Hermione was practically wiggling next to her, eager to prove her expertise in first year potions.” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

"Yeah, were you? Mum says you were," Psyche Lestrange added, eyes gleaming, clearly seeing an opportunity to sow chaos.

"He was?" Ron said, "why isn't he in Azkaban?"

"What’s Azkaban?" Lavender Brown asked, looking stressed.” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

"Kick him!" Psyche suggested eagerly. Blaise stared at her with an awed look on his face.” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

“Instigating a riot in your first potions class, which led to fourteen hospitalizations, a broken table, and three missing baby teeth.” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

"Yeah, he should've just told us," Harry agreed, "then Cassie wouldn't have broken his kneecap."

"Yeah!" Cassie said, "and it's not our fault Hermione and Ron and Lavender threw that table at Crabbe and Goyle."

Dumbledore sighed.” (Chapter Nine: All Those Hours Studying Victorian Flower Language Finally Pay Off)

“Hermione’s thick curls were tangled by the wind (and by existing),” (Chapter Eleven: Cassie Makes a Hit List)

“The aftermath of Harry nearly dying was… no one caring, apparently.

Cassie had to do everything herself, it seemed.” (Chapter Eleven: Cassie Makes a Hit List)

(Plus, a link to the fic! Cassiopeia Potter Bashes a sQuirrell)

#ella writes #Cassiopeia Potter Throws a Wrench Into Things #el rambles on

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