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jtl-fics · 8 months

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Fluent Freshman - 38

If it weren’t for the fact that he and Riko had stumbled across a truly traumatizing video of his birth that they had watched secretly in Tetsuji’s office when he was away on a business trip one weekend Kevin would believe that he was born with an Exy racquet in his hand. But the image that is seared into his retinas to this day has proven that he came into this world empty handed.

That doesn’t change the fact that Kevin has spent the majority of his life utterly and completely submersed in Exy. He was trained as a Raven, he was court, he was a champion as both a Raven as a Fox and if he had his way he’d leave college with more Championships under the orange and white than the black and red.

Exy was everything in the world to him.

He could overlook many personality defects if someone brought something to the Court.

Apathetic five foot nothing who was more likely to stab him than shake his hand? Well, he’s the best goalie that Kevin had ever seen in his entire life (and that was saying something).

Tight ass who has anger management issues and will not shut the fuck up about his girlfriend now that he’s not even allowed to have? Well, he is a very solid backliner who has excellent ball handling skills (even if Aaron keeps telling him to stop saying it like that or why he keeps yelling that he’s straight).

Overly touchy, too emotional, will not shut the fuck up about his fiancé in Germany? Well, he is a very solid backliner who is great at rebounds (Kevin doesn’t get why Nicky gets mad when he says that or why he brings up Erik).

Guy who actively dislikes him and is dying for any chance to punch him and also being overly attached to his friends? He’s a great enforcer on the court and had the stamina to play far longer than the other two backliners (Why Dan always said “yeah he does” whenever Kevin commented on Matt’s stamina he will never understand, and he also doesn’t want to.)

Suspicious kid from Millport with a mouth that could strip paint and a past so shrouded in mystery that it even had Andrew perking up in interest? Well, he’s the fastest Striker in the game and the only person that has ever kept up with Kevin’s obsession with the sport. (There was the minor downside that he was the son of the Butcher and almost died before the championships, but Neil pulled through.)

He tolerated all of them and now they’re his best friends.

There are some who he does find personally objectionable but so long as Jack and Sheena manage to continue to be good on the court he doesn’t care about the many many faults in their personalities. They’re his teammates, they aren’t his friends.

He accepted that he might not like any of the others that came onto the team. For the most part he had never given a shit about before the Foxes, content with his brotherhood with Riko even if it wasn’t…perfect. Then he became friends with FF and FF had done him a truly large favor and Kevin wanted to pay that back the best way he knew how. Through his truly infallible health advice and through perfectly crafted smoothies.

Then Daniel appeared with the truth that FF truly met all requirements to be a Fox and Kevin tasted his own smoothie for the first time.

He considered both revelations to be equally upsetting.

Still…

FF was one of the best dealers Kevin had ever had the pleasure to be on Court with. The man knew his position well and interrupted offensives with an enviable ease that made Kevin wish to possibly strap some sort of device onto him and figure out how he did certain things.

It wasn’t that far off to believe that a man raised in the same environment as FF could possibly have similar talents and since Lisa fucked off back to some small town cult they really did need a good sub. Sheena was a good offensive dealer but they had games coming up where defense would be imperative and FF did not have the stamina for a full game and likely would not for quite some time considering he’d be recovering from being stabbed.

So, he’d defended Daniel’s right to try out.

At first, he had felt vindicated. Daniel kept up quite well during the initial warm-ups. Kept pace with Jack, Sheena, Aaron, Andrew, and Nicky. Kevin had been bringing up the rear mostly to make sure that Andrew didn’t stab the guy during warm-ups.

Then it was time for the first precision drill.

The other thing about how Kevin was raised is that he was raised surrounded only by the best of the best. The Ravens were at the top of the Collegiate hierarchy. The National Court used their stadium for practice.

The worst Exy that Kevin had ever seen in his entire life up until the moment that Daniel took hold of an Exy racquet was still only the worst team in Collegiate Division 1 Exy.

Then Kevin watched the ball go so wide that the entire court went silent.

All of the drills that followed were as bad, if not worse.

Kevin felt himself start to vibrate with anger the longer it went on. He started to shout corrections at Daniel but the younger man merely rolled his eyes, “I think I know what I’m doing.” He would say before pointedly proving that he did not.

Kevin only realized nearly an hour in that he had wasted his entire practice shouting himself hoarse at the actual waste of human life that was Daniel Stanton.

Kevin could accept being bad at Exy and having an inoffensive personality. Kevin could accept being good at Exy and having a bad personality.

Kevin could not accept being bad at Exy and having a bad personality.

Coach Wymack called the practice to an end and Kevin thought that he’d manage to keep his anger mostly inside (he is ignoring the near hour of practice he spent screaming directions) when Daniel decided to deliver the Coup de Grace.

Sweat soaking his bangs, panting, and without a single thing done correctly (even the way he was currently holding his borrowed Exy racquet set Kevin’s teeth on edge) the man had the gall, the gumption, and the absolute AUDACITY to come up to the coach.

“So, where do I sign?” he asks.

Kevin sees red and unleashes hell.

***

This was the most fun Andrew has had at a practice since he started having to come to them.

The look of embarrassment on Daniel’s face as Kevin accurately tore into everything he did wrong on the Court and every personal failing that Kevin could home in on. His attention shifted away to FF sitting in the stands near the University official who was shaking her head at the obvious poor showing. The University may have wanted Daniel around to spruce up the Fox’s marketability but even they couldn’t let someone so obviously awful onto one of their few Division 1 teams.

FF was sat sipping one of Kevin’s god awful smoothies looking completely unshocked by Daniel’s showing.

Kevin turned his attention to FF, “You said he was good!” Kevin points at the freshman as he continues to sip the drink.

Andrew interrupts, “He never said he was good.” He remembers the conversation so exactly and there are few things he loves more than having the opportunity to rub it in Kevin’s face when the man is wrong, “He said ‘Daniel has always been athletic’ never anything about him being good.” Andrew reminds.

Kevin whips back around to Daniel, “Have you ever even played Exy?” Kevin demands.

“I didn’t think it’d be hard to pick up.” Daniel argues crossing his arms defensively.

It sets Kevin off on another furious rant.

Andrew had thought that FF didn’t have a mean bone in his body and he’s quite pleased to have been proven wrong. The thought that FF had let Daniel get all the way into embarrassing himself in such a way?

Andrew had to give him props.

“How does it feel getting to watch this idiot crash and burn?” he asks coming to the glass.

“Really thought he could manage it if I could.” FF says with a shrug that has Aaron bark out a laugh.

“You really figured?” Aaron asks coming to stand next to Andrew.

FF just shrugs again, “I mean I also started not knowing how to play and now I’m on a pretty good team.” He says as if FF starting as a child not knowing how to play is the same as someone walking in demanding a spot on a college team.

Nicky lets out a laugh.

“Oh, Smithy I could kiss you.” Nicky laughs and makes his way towards the Court entrance to likely do exactly that moving past a Daniel who was so red in the face with embarrassment and anger that he looked as if he was about to turn purple.

Andrew tuned in.

“…small pond. The only reason you ever felt like you were worth anything is that Smiths was too nice to put you in your place before now!” Kevin was probably talking about medium-sized fish in a small pond but Andrew didn’t really care to know.

“Are you going to let him talk to me like this?!” Daniel finally turned to Wymack.

“Kevin, you shouldn’t talk to the public like that.” Wymack says without a hint of chastisement in his voice.

Kevin still straightened at the reminder, “You’re right. Sorry coach.” Kevin sneered at Daniel, “Get off the court before you taint it.” He hisses.

“You’re really not going to sign me?!” Daniel demands.

“Why would I?” Wymack asks with a raised brow.

“You took a chance on John!” Daniel points towards FF.

Andrew watches as Wymack’s face does something he’d rarely seen it do, it goes utterly and completely cold. “I don’t take chances with my kids.” He spat, “I give my kids a second chance. Get the hell off of my court.” He hisses.

Daniel’s face purples further before he stomped off of the Court.

“Don’t you dare walk off with that racquet! It’s worth more than you!” Kevin shouts after him and Andrew in that moment realizes that Daniel is going to do something stupid.

And FF is on the other side of the Plexiglass with only Nicky at his side.

It’s like watching a train crash.

Daniel might say something, but Andrew doesn’t know. He sees Neil rushing as well, his sense of danger always well-honed but Neil had been in Captain mode in the moments before walking some of the sophomore and freshmen through what they had done wrong.

Neither of them will make it in time.

Daniel throws his racquet, and he throws it right at FF barely 5 feet away in the stands.

The Racquet blows past FF’s head and Andrew lets out a breath.

Then before it could crash into the seats behind him and break FF’s hand wrapped around the shaft of the stick and stopped it’s trajectory.

“Your aim really isn’t getting any better by not listening to Kevin’s advice.” Smith says as he twirls the racquet in his hand so that the net was on the ground. “Also, don’t break the equipment, like Kevin said it’s pretty expensive.” He says.

Daniel let out a primal scream but where Andrew had stalled out to watch the miraculous catch Matt Boyd had not. Daniel was tackled to the ground by the backliner, “Absolutely not.” Matt said with a scowl.

“Smithy are you okay?” Andrew hears Nicky ask.

“Yeah, why?” FF asks as if he hadn’t just been attacked but considering everything that Andrew had seen it wouldn’t shock him if Daniel’s attacks were just par for the course back home for FF. “The racquet looks okay too.” He adds.

“Coach Wymack,” The University representative made their way down looking flustered at the outburst of violence.

Obviously not someone who regularly watched Exy or paid attention to their team.

“This is why I wanted absolute control over who does and who doesn’t get a shot here.” Wymack hisses pointing at Daniel as he struggled under Matt.

“You have our sincere apologies for this.” She says looking at Daniel, “He didn’t… we thought he’d be good for the team’s culture but it seems like we may have misjudged-“

“That guy just tried to take Smithy out!” Nicky interrupts.

“I told you he was dangerous.” Neil adds.

“Can someone call campus security?” Matt asks from the ground, “This jackass keeps aiming for kidney punches and I would like to not be pissing blood during winter break.” Matt requests.

“O-of course!” the University representative says fumbling for her cell phone.

Andrew looked at Matt and figured that the backliner had a handle on that particular mess at the moment.

He made his way over to FF and Nicky who was checking over the freshman.

“Nice catch.” He says.

FF shrugs, “It’s my racquet he was borrowing.” He says, “I didn’t want to get a new one.” He adds.

***

FF watches as campus security took custody of Daniel as he continued to spit and scream. There are talks about pressing charges, but FF just wants Daniel off of the campus and away from him. It’s Jack of all people who says that getting a restraining order is a great way to make sure Daniel stays the hell away from him and FF nods consideringly.

Honestly, he’s still mostly in shock he managed to catch his racquet the way he had. His reflexes weren’t quite up to snuff since he’d been trying to catch the netting, but his hand only closed around the shaft.

Embarrassing.

He really hopes no one teases him about his slower reflexes.

“He needs to be charged for assault at least.” Kevin hisses as they watch the security officers take Daniel away.

“It’d be attempted assault.” Aaron corrects.

“He assaulted my eyes with his Exy.” Kevin insists.

“If that counted as assault, don’t you think I would have pressed charges for all the times I have had to see you dance at Eden’s?” Neil asks. “Also, you’re the one that insisted he try-out.” He reminds.

“Smiths told me he was good!” Kevin screeches.

“No, we’ve been over this Day. Smithy said he was athletic.” Nicky reminds. “Are you going to do what Jack suggested?” he asks turning to FF.

“I’d like to see significantly less of Daniel.” FF admits.

“You know he did actually commit assault, if I pee blood I’m making Kevin go buy me pads.” Matt says.

“Whatever.” Kevin says as they continued to make their way back to the dorm to get ready for the day.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

#Fluent Freshman AU #Up next is the Winter banquet and Winter break #looking forward to that as well #I'd like to thank Snow for their help with some decisions made in this chap #and declunkifying some of my phrasing #I would also like to thank the new Jujutsu Kaisen OP for being a banger #also Unfathomed Force from Trails to Azure OST for continuing to be a banger #Grandma Smith is heading home in the next part which makes me sad even if she hasn't featured a lot in the drafts since the hospital #Daniel absolutely ends up punching a security guard #And ending up in like a holding cell at a real police station #He has one call #And he calls Smith's number demanding he come and help him get out #too bad the only number he has is a phone sitting in Wymack's desk #Guess someone else is gonna have to come and pay bail and help Daniel outta there #also my apologies for putting Daniel on u Elle Woods but it's for the meme #Also also I would like to give a shoutout to Matt Boyd who made the 'save of the day'#Its an award usually for goalies but u da real MVP today #AFTG #AFTG OC #AFTG AU #FF - 38

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yeahhiyellow · 3 years

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19, 22 and 23? :^)

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Tbh there are a lot of things I hate, although by this point it's only very certain parts of the fandom that have these problems, since most of the shitty people have lost interest by this point. If I had to choose just one thing though, it'd be the overwhelming focus on white, male characters over female and/or characters of color. And there are a lot of areas where this shows up. One major example is that a lot of people like the idea of Connor, Hank, Gavin, and Nines (all white, male characters, mind you) staying at the DPD even after:

The DPD was the one (along with Cyberlife) responsible for the deaths, arrests, and brutal treatment of androids, the main oppressed group in the game's world

Connor and Nines are a part of that oppressed group, and at least Hank is shown in game to support them

Connor has already worked at the DPD and was routinely called an "it" (which as someone who is nonbinary and has been called "it" knows how insulting that can be and understands the need to get away from situations where that happens), was allowed to be sent to his death by, and was routinely harassed and nearly murdered, or in some playthroughs actually murdered, by workers at the DPD (*ahem Gavin ahem*)

Hank (if he is your friend) risked his career just to cause a distraction for Connor to keep him alive

Just because the android revolution was successful doesn't mean the DPD was going to follow that. I mean, the androids were heavily compared to African Americans in this game, and we all know how the current police system treats them (and if you don't, pay attention to the news, like, ever. Also read Jim Crow as that book is very informative on the oppression of blacks in the entire incarceration system as well as before and after that)

So I hope it would be pretty obvious to any sane person that suggesting these characters would join/remain in the DPD after everything is offensive on all sorts of levels.

In addition to that, you also have some people saying that they only cared about Connor's story, or that his was the only good one. The female protagonist that risks her own life several times to save that of a child (no matter if she is human or android)? Not important. The (half) black protagonist who is shot by police, has to rebuild himself, and leads his own people to freedom? Who cares? The only important story to these people is the white, male, cop android who spends most of his time hunting down the good guys. And if some people honestly prefer Connor's story because of their own reasons, that's fine. And yes, Kara and Markus's stories have lots of problems. But Connor's does too, and none of this gives people an excuse to ignore the other characters, especially since they are the minority characters. Then, there are also the people who say Connor's machine path was better than his deviant path, or that him being replaced by Nines in the end was unfair. And... what the fuck??? I mean, I get it, it's fun to play through different options, and Connor is hella badass in the machine path. But he is also hella badass in the deviant path (killing the guards in the elevator, possibly the team at the bottom if he doesn't catch the security camera, fighting Sixty, walking in front of all the androids he freed, like, come on), and he also, like, has morals and isn't oppressive??? In the machine route, he kills his own people, including those who just want to be free and might have been completely pacifist the entire way through. So I'm sorry, anyone who thinks his machine path is better is just looking for an excuse to be oppressive without openly admitting it.

Then there's the Gavin apologizers. While fanon Gavin is awesome, some people have way overstepped the line of redemption and allowing oppression. I've seen posts defending Gavin's in-game behavior, just because he refers to androids as "he" on occasion. This is despite:

Suggesting "roughing up," or being violent to Shaolin (the HK400 in "The Interrogation")

Insulting his partner, Chris, when he doesn't forcibly move Shaolin against Shaolin's will

Pointing a gun at Connor after Connor rightfully says to stop touching Shaolin for both succeeding the mission and for Shaolin's sake, and only stepping down after Hank points a gun at him and even after insults Connor

Punching Connor right in the thirium pump regulator and then pushing his head right where his LED is in the break room if Connor refuses to get him a coffee

Insulting and threatening Connor in the same scene even if Connor follows all of his demands

Insulting Hank's alcoholism in the Eden Club "it's starting to stink of booze in here"

Purposely pushing Connor to the side in the same scene

Trying to literally murder Connor and admitting he'd wanted to kill him ever since he first saw Connor, sometimes successfully

Both physically and verbally assaulting Connor

I forgive very easily and strongly believe in redemption, don't get me wrong. But trying to excuse Gavin's behaviors is so inexcusable, especially when most of his aggressions are towards androids, the oppressed minority.

Now, let's look at Ao3, shall we? Let's see how many fics posted there are with each of the "main" (including Gavin and Nines since even though they are not main characters in canon they are in fanon) characters... (also, keep in mind, I gathered this data about a month ago so it might not be completely up to date):

Connor: 16,150

Markus: 5,395

Kara: 1,504

Hank: 13,135

Nines: 9,807

Gavin: 9,939

Amanda: 1,177

Chloe: 1,521

North: 3,056

Simon: 3,192

Josh: 1,965

Alice: 1,098

Luther: 848

Rose: 193

This means that certain characters get unequal amounts of attention:

White: 59,042

Black: 9,578

Male: 60,431

Female: 8,549

White, Male: 52,223

White, Female: 7,179

Black, Male: 8,208

Black, Female: 1,370

Well, this says a lot. Now, some people reading this might realize that there are more white and male characters to begin with, so it could be fair even with their numbers being higher. So, okay, let's see the average amount of works a single character in each of the above categories would have (so divide each of the values by the number of characters in that category) (also I rounded to the tenth place aka first decimal point):

White: 6,560.2

Black: 1,915.6

Male: 7,553.9

Female: 1,424.8

White, Male: 10,444.6

White, Female: 1,794.8

Black, Male: 2,736

Black, Female: 685

If anything, these are even more telling. And if you don't believe me, look on Ao3 and calculate these yourself, because you'll get the same thing.

To be clear, I don't have anything against Connor, Hank, or any of the white and/or male characters. I even like the way that the fandom has redeemed Gavin. But the fandom has not done the same job of redeeming other characters, especially the minority ones, and pays way less attention to them, and that needs to be called out with evidence by someone.

Anyway, I spent a LONG time on that first question, so I'll try to make the next answers shorter!

22. Popular character you hate?

There aren't any popular characters that I thoroughly hate. The only characters I hate are ones that are already highly unpopular (Todd, Zlatko, Perkins). If we're talking canon characters, I do hate Gavin with a flaming passion. I mean, he is meant to represent police brutality. But fanon Gavin is cool with me, so I'm not sure exactly how much this counts.

There is one semi-popular character that I dislike though, and that is Kamski. I'm half-counting him again because within the fandom there are very mixed opinions. I personally dislike him mainly because of his treatment of one of his Chloe's: he is willing to let her get shot in the head and killed just to find a dumb answer to his Kamski test just because he feels like it. If Connor doesn't shoot Chloe, he tells Connor he's deviant, knowing full well that Amanda and Cyberlife are watching being the one to design the program, endangering Connor. While he arguably is responsible for deviancy and wants androids to succeed, that doesn't make up for those facts.

Another character that half-counts is Daniel. There are mixed opinions within the fandom on him as well, with some arguing that he is only wanting to not get replaced and protect himself. However, since his first response was to kill the dad, and then he proceeded to shoot at least 3 more cops, killing 2, and hold Emma, the young girl he had been friends with for years hostage, even though she had nothing to do with his replacement. You can't argue that he didn't want to kill Emma and only used her as protection for himself, either, as there are multiple endings where he tries and sometimes succeeds in killing Emma, even when he is also killing himself. I'm not closed to a redemption arc for him, but his in-game actions are inexcusable. He's the one deviant who truly has no valid defense for his actions.

23. Unpopular character you love?

There are a few. I absolutely adore North, Josh, Adam, and Alice, even though the fandom has conflicted opinions on them. Then again, none of these characters are really considered unpopular, just not as popular as others with a select few that don't like them. With North, I've been in this fandom since a few months after its release, when there was a lot of North hatred, and was actually in a group called the North Protection Squad lol. However, now most people like her, and she's really grown in popularity. With Josh, it's less that he's hated, and more that he's ignored. People say that Simon was the peaceful option when he was really the neutral, and recently I've seen more people against Josh's opinions on the revolution. While I don't always agree with Josh being so passive and undemanding (neither do I agree with North's violence), he's still an awesome character with some very valid points. Then, I do understand why some people dislike Adam, as at first he's against androids and almost reveals Kara and the others. However, if you meet him at the border crossing, he apologizes to Kara and changes his mind, promising to help androids. While he may start out scared and not on the right side, he does have a good heart and ends up making the right decisions in the end. With Alice, I haven't seen many people hate her, either, although I have seen some saying she's annoying and lacks a personality. I agree that she lacks a personality, although I argue that's the writers' faults rather than her character's (as are problems with other characters, I mean David Cage wrote this so what were we expecting). I also don't think she's annoying, as after all she is only 9 (in human terms), doesn't admit she's an android because she's scared Kara will reject her (and Kara actually can reject her for being an android, leaving her completely on her own in a world that wants her dead. Also, living her whole life with Todd can absolutely not help her feel more secure with who she is or make her trust Kara to still love her for it), and she is only cold and feels sick because her model of android is literally designed to replicate human sickness and discomfort (and it's clear she doesn't know how to turn them off, because even after Kara knows she's an android Kara still has to help Alice not feel cold anymore. Also, this is November in Detroit, in which the average temperature is 42°F (5.6°C). There are also scenes where it is snowing, meaning the temperature is below freezing. Still, despite the temperatures, in some scenes not having a coat, and feeling sick, she says Kara and Luther can't stop because of her, risks her life to save Kara's if you fail QTEs, and says she's "fine" even when she's cold to comfort Kara. So if you think she can be annoying, yeah, all 9-year-olds can be. But if you think she's annoying enough to actually hate her, idek what to say).

In terms of characters that are really unpopular, I actually like Leo. His actions at first are inexcusable. I mean, accusing Carl of loving an android more than hin, insulting Markus and treating him as less than human, threatening him, breaking into Carl's house and attempting to steal his paintings for drug money, and framing Markus for Carl's death leading to him getting shot and nearly killed are obviously not okay things to do. However, he is clearly on drugs, specifically red ice, the most dangerous drug in the world. Also, if you decide to push Markus leading Carl to still be alive, when you return to Carl's house, you can find a message Leo sent to Carl in which he apologizes for everything and promises it won't happen again. In the extras section, you also find out Carl missed out on Leo's whole childhood, only first meeting him once he was much older. Given that Carl spends all of his days pleasantly conversing with Markus while ignoring Leo, not calling him, only talking to Leo once he comes around himself, and doesn't even argue when Leo says Carl doesn't love him, it's almost fair that Leo thinks the way he does. Since he's also high on drugs throughout the story, at least up until Markus gets shot, we also know that the Leo we see isn't the real Leo. Later, if Carl is dead and Markus visits his grave, he encounters Leo again. This time, when Leo sees Markus he is only shocked. Now, off of red ice, not only is he going to see Carl's grave, expressing love for his father, he also doesn't try to hurt Markus, insult him, or anything mean or dehumanizing. His expression lacks any signs of aggression. It was only when he was high that he was such an asshole. Although that doesn't excuse his behavior, it does give a reason for it, and by the end I consider him redeemed.

~~~

Wow... that was a long response to a very short ask. No need to read all that (although I would highly suggest reading my first answer, at least, since that does contain some very relevant points). Although then again, if you've made it here, you've probably already read all that. In which case I would love to hear your opinions if you're willing to share (as well as anyone who sees this!) I guess I just had a lot of opinions that I needed to put out in the world lol, so thank you sm for the ask!!!!! 💛💛💛

#dbh #dbh meta #dbh analysis #my opinions #asks #detroit: become human #racism #misogyny #abuse

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princess-of-france · 5 years

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Also- since Love's Labour's Lost has been on the brain, and you are such a cool theatre person: dreamcast for LLL? Thank you so much!

OMFG MY FAVORITE COMEDY YES YES YES

*blows kazoo*

(Also, I’m cracking up at you thinking I’m a “cool theater person,” because I promise that’s a wonderfully accidental illusion; in reality, I’m just a cryptid who’s entire genetic makeup consists of triple-espresso lattes, Gmail push notifications, Shakespeare plays, and tears. But you’re very kind!)

Before I answer this amazing Ask, I think I should clarify that my dreamcast for LLL already exists — or, at least, it existed in 2018 — and I had the dazzling, life-affirming pleasure of seeing them perform my beloved plotless comedy at my favorite theater festival on the planet: the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

So here’s to Amanda Dennart and her IMPECCABLE Love’s Labour’s Lost:

^^^ Yes, that is King Ferdinand of Navarre, played by the once and future Daniel José Molina, meeting the Princess of France — the fabulous Alejandra Escalante — with a paper bag over his motherfucking head so that he doesn’t break his kingly oath of Not Looking At Female For 3 Years. (Fun fact: these two are now married!)

[Photo credit: Jenny Graham.]

BUT NOW TO THE MAIN EVENT:

Critically, I think LLL is a play about eight young people experiencing love for the first time and struggling to reconcile that love with their desire to be the Cleverest Person in the Room. Like so many whip-smart young people, the Crazy Eight equate cavalier carelessness with power, but the problem is: true love requires radical, wholehearted, unbearable vulnerability. It demands chaos and madness and mess and mistakes. True love asks us to be willing to look like an idiot. And most young people just aren’t ready for that, the first time it happens. It’s why the ending of this play is so goddam devastating.

And it’s why it’s so important to me that my cast list for the Crazy Eight reflects the youth, innocence, and inexperience I see baked into every one of their lines. Love has to seem like a first-time visitor to all of them. Love has to shake up their worldview like a snow globe, bowl them over, and then leave them impermeably altered. Love has to be the thing that makes them grow up.

So, with that, I am proud to present...

~THE NAVARRE NERDS~

1. KING FERDINAND OF NAVARRE — Paapa Essiedu

Love of my complete life. I don’t know if there’s a better actor with a bigger heart anywhere on earth. His Henry VI was utterly inspired, so I know he can be Kingly. Plus, he’s a passionate advocate for decolonizing Shakespeare and making classical theater accessible to all and...yeah. I adore him.

2. BEROWNE — Anthony Boyle

THIS IDIOT. I had to find a picture of him laughing, because he’s played a lot of Moody Broody Types, but OMG when he cracks a grin... Anthony is just a jewel of an actor: versatile, intense, thoughtful, emotionally articulate. He’ll keep Paapa’s Ferdie laughing, but also bring out the big guns for Berowne’s gorgeous character arc from horny cynic to lovesick wooer to chastened fool.

3. DUMAINE — Alfred Enoch

Perfect angel darling. There’s no doubt in my mind that Alfie can do Smug, Suave, Would-Be-James Bond Dumaine as well as Dorky, Clumsy, Foot-Constantly-in-Mouth Dumaine with equal flair. Also, I love him. <3

4. LONGAVILLE — George MacKay

Apparently, this sweetheart is playing Hamlet soon in the new Ophelia movie, which is HILARIOUS, because he looks like the most Innocent Innocent to ever Innocent. I suppose this is what makes him a good actor. And he is very good.

~LES FILLES~

5. PRINCESS OF FRANCE — Lily James

This goddess is always getting cast as ingenues who fall in love with their eyes and hearts wide open, which is all fine and good. But I wanna see her fall in love against her will, against her better judgment, and with stubborn denial attending her every step of the way...partly because Lily is up to the challenge, and partly because it would be precious af.

6. ROSALINE — Karla Crome

BAMF. Berowne won’t know what hit him. Karla is talented in a way most of us can only dream about, but even more importantly, she is whip-smart, self-possessed, and in love with herself. Get it, girl.

7. KATHARINE — Shay Mitchell

It’s hard to beat Shay for Sleek, Feline Intelligence. I like to imagine Katharine as the ultimate duchess: rich, spoiled, overeducated, overprivileged, dressed to the nines every minute of every day. But she carries so much pain behind the mask. Being fabulous is no substitute for losing your big sister. And I think Shay can do justice to all those layers.

8. MARIA — Francesca Mills

I had the honor of seeing Francesca in Rachel Chavkin’s epic production of American Clock at the Old Vic this past winter. In a cast of over 20 brilliant actors, she emerged as the brightest star. I have never fallen in love with an actress so quickly. Sweet, inquisitive, sassy, and smart, with a crystalline voice, Francesca is the ultimate heroine. Her Maria will be the most adorable in human history, I think.

9. BOYET — Tamsin Greig

Imho, no one does Blustery Spinster Energy better than Tamsin. (See her performance as Miss Bates in the 2009 BBC miniseries, Emma.) My favorite version of Boyet is the adult female chaperone that the Princess and her ladies gleefully dress up as a man to stymie Ferdinand’s guards. It makes 5.2 all the more giddy and revelatory, and also it just makes narrative sense. Tamsin will play the beleaguered and increasingly exasperated Wine Mom to perfection.

~THE PSEUDO-SCHOLARS~

10. DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO — Riz Ahmed

I just can’t even express how much I love Riz. He dissolves completely into every single role he plays, no matter how absurd the character may seem on paper. And that is a very pertinent qualification for playing Armado, because he has the hard-fought distinction of being the most Abjectly Batshit Character in this bonkers play. Also I just really wanna get his autograph help

11. MOTE — Kiernan Shipka

THIS GIRL. Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin. She’s so flipping good at her craft, and at such a young age!! Honestly, I’d hate her if she weren’t so damn precious. All she needs to do is learn how to do a Scottish accent and then she’ll be 100% ready to play the wee snickering Watson to Armado’s pirate-Holmes. I’ve always read Mote as Armado’s platonic life partner slash surrogate daughter. She’s probably the only person in the world who knows Armado’s social security number. (Plus, Riz is a sweetheart, so you just know they’ll become great friends!)

12. DR. HOLOFERNES — Olivia Colman

What can I say? She’ll play the broad, slapstick comic relief stock character of Il Dottore to perfection...right up until the moment she doesn’t. Then she’ll make us all sob. “This is not generous, not gentle, not humble!” (V.ii.2570)

13. NATHANIEL — Cyril Nri

Can’t you just see this angel loving the crap out of Olivia’s Holofernes?? Like, he probably built an extension onto his rectory home JUST to give the famous visiting Italian academic a place to stay during her time in Navarre. Great actor, great human, great smile. 11/10

~BELOW-STAIRS~

14. COSTARD — Andy Samberg

My only Costard. I mean, he’s the only white boy I know who could play such a cowardly fuckboi of a character without turning him into a 2-D caricature. Not to mention the fact that Andy is a spectacular improv actor, so he can invent a lot of new lines and jokes for the hallboy! Win-win!

15. JAQUENETTA — Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Because I want the oft-disregarded Jaquenetta to be the Narrator of this whole wild shebang, I need an actor who can foster a deliciously familiar, non-4th-wall relationship with the audience and/or camera. Phoebe is the undisputed Queen of this. She’ll be STELLAR. And she and Andy will make people cry from laughing so hard.

16. CONSTABLE ANTHONY DULL — Andre Braugher

I love the idea of this Juilliard-trained classical actor sitting quietly with his crossword puzzle in the back of the polished oak Navarre library, watching a group of the Dumbest Smart People in human history talking themselves into a tizzy over false Latin and prickets and excrement and bad, mis-delivered iambic hexametric sonnets and just chuckling to himself. (Also: BB99 reunion!)

17. MERCADÉ — Randall Park

Tbh, I feel bad giving such a small part to such a phenomenal actor, but the thing about Mercadé is that he is like the BIGGEST small part in all of Shakespeare. He’s right up there with the First Servant in Lear in terms of the sheer narrative punch he packs into just a few short lines. And I think the best Mercadé is the one who has a personal relationship to the Princess. Maybe he was a personal aide to her father, the King? Maybe he helped raise her? Regardless, I think their conversation at the end of 5.2 is more than just the delivery of a sad message. It’s a communion between two grieving patriots of France. I want an actor whose warm heart will shine through that brief interchange. Randall can obviously do that, tenfold.

Aaaaaaand I think that’s it! Thanks again for the Ask, Lauren!! This was an absolute treat. xx Claire

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ifloremthenipsum-blog · 7 years

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They’re a collection of undoubtedly some of the most powerful beings left in the world in a place that would be the envy of any other group to come across it. In this world, instead of groups joining each other each is regarded with suspicion. Even the soft hearts among them have to grow a little more weary eventually.

They’re not infallible. They’re home, this complex, isn’t impenetrable.

Aelin makes the decision to take in a desperate, wayward soul. She’s in charge. Natalie has stepped down from her place to avoid constantly butting heads. They need some figurehead to ultimately call some sort of shot when they don’t all agree (it’s rare that they collectively agree on anything). Aelin wants the job and so she gets it.

They cynics are overruled. They accept it.

It turns out that it’s wrong to have overruled them.

That supposedly wayward soul slips out with some of their supplies, returns within the month with a whole group who launch into a firefight against the complex. It’s a gift that none of them have revealed their powers to this stranger. Still, the damage is done.

The dead hear the noise and come. The other group has managed to punch holes in their defenses here and there. The dead arrive in a horde more horrific than any movie could dream up faster than they could hope to seal up every single wound to their walls.

They have some of the most powerful people on the planet. They also have some completely unpowered and unskilled humans. They have children around.

It’s that latter fact that take Naomi and Cassidy immediately out of the fight. They have their daughters who need them. It takes convincing from Cassidy to pull her away. Admittedly, it isn’t fair when the argument involves having Sophie placed into her arms so that she doesn’t have a choice but to follow. Cassidy doesn’t really give a rat’s ass if it’s fair as long as it brings Naomi inside of their home with her and their daughters.

They’re not alone in retreating with their daughters. Jules and Ava are nearby when all hell breaks loose. They both rush inside to join them. Strength in numbers. The fewer people caught out in too small of groups, the better.

Once inside, they take to barricading everything before rushing up to the attic. Its pulldown staircase access means that even if the dead burst through the doors and windows, they can’t get up to them.

Still, it takes Naomi and Cassidy out of the fight to defend the complex. Naomi isn’t pleased.

Morgan and Maya end up trying to barricade themselves into another of the houses. They’re just about to shut the door when a blur bolts through, deposits both Kendall and CJ, and then rushes out again. A heartbeat later, Natalie and Caspar are retrieved as well. Then Elena and Claire.

Despite Izzy’s efforts to get every potentially vulnerable person safely guarded away, she can’t find Olivia. There’s only so much time before the door absolutely has to be barricaded. That moment comes before she can figure out even what direction Olivia might’ve gone in.

Olivia’s hidden away in Savannah and Peyton’s home as Savannah hurriedly tries to stop the bleeding in her shoulder. A stray bullet caught her during the firefight. With no powers or skills of her own, Olivia’s more defenseless than she’s ever been.

While Savannah tries to make sure that she can stabilize Olivia until everything calms down. Zoe’s muttering under her breath to try to remember some spell that she keeps saying she should know but it’s always been Vivian who deals with injuries, not her. Peyton is left nearly on her own to try to secure the house as the dead begin beating against the doors.

Nearly, because Mallory is in there with them.

“Look, can you just help me with this for one—”

“Go fuck yourself.”

There’s a shed by the garden where they keep their basic tools and scavenged gardening supplies. It’s thinly walled, has an unnecessary little window in the side, and a door with a hook to keep it locked.

It’s here that Danielle and Nicole are bunkered down, quietly. No speaking, barely looking at each other, because one wrong sound and the horde swirling around them will have no issue ripping that shed apart to get at their flesh.

Indifferent as they may be about the majority of the group they reside with, Avery and Rheya have never turned down a mission.

The dead focus on Rheya. She’s fast, brutal, right up in their faces and within reach of scrabbling hands but they never successfully close their grips around her. Their gnashing teeth never break skin even when they get within inches of doing so.

They never see Avery coming. A sword through the back of the skull while their eyes are fixed on biotics, a bullet through the eye of another from more than fifty feet away.

They’re not just successful fighting partners, they’re exterminators. They’re a single entity acting in different places.

The sky cracks open so rocks crush everything below. Like meteors, boulders rocket down to earth with resounding explosions of rubble and fire and devastation to every walker beneath. Aelyn is small, unassuming. By just appearances, it’s almost easy to assume that she’s no threat to anyone.

Ashlan bares her teeth in a grin, swings her metal bat through the skull of walkers here and there. Sometimes one will fall without dying and Lysandra, a massive cat with a thick white pelt and dense muscle, pounces to crush their skulls in her teeth or paws. They move through small pockets gradually, still carefully.

But it’s Aelyn who rips apart the heavens to do the real damage. Aelyn with one moment, a few words, a look at the clouds, and she brings down stone to clear out broad swaths of the dead trying to claw them apart. And it’s Aelin who curls her fingers and causes bright orange flames to coat those boulders for the maximum damage to everything that they hit.

Daisy, Wanda and Natasha pull together with Thea, Victoria, Vivian, Briar and Ana. Within the walls of their complex and with houses to keep intact, they’re better suited to actually clearing out the dead that have shambled their way through the damaged walls. Aelin and Aelyn are hugely effective at destroying the massive horde still pushing outside of the walls but their tactics would destroy everything else in the vicinity as well.

Ana focuses on putting down protective runes around the houses while Briar and Victoria make sure nothing gets to her with brutal efficiency. It’s unsettling that they’re this skilled at death at this young of an age. Vivian assists (shakily) with the magic needed.

Daisy and Wanda use their practiced communication to work off of each other. A blast from Daisy or a twist of Wanda’s wrist crushes the dead into the ground. Thea, near invulnerable, doesn’t use her super-strength. Instead, she opts for her head vision in short, pointed zaps to immediately dispose of the dead.

Estela deals with a different type of threat.

Cecilia, Evie, and Val are able to clear out one section of the compound with a combination of super-speed and super-strength. Evie and Cecilia never have to say a word to communicate. They simple whirl around in a blur but always seem to know what the other is doing.

Estela’s slayer speed is dwarfed by theirs but her strength is about on par. But her concern is less on the dead which are so clearly handled and far more on the living which are trickier.

There are survivors from the group that had attacked them to begin with including the ‘lost soul’ Aelin had voted to taken in. Estela on her own might’ve not found them but there was no escaping a wolf’s sense of smell.

So Cecilia, Evie and Val bring them over (Val far more uncomfortable with it than the other two). They’re injured, scared, some angry and lofty and defiant. All fools for daring to think that it’s a good idea to look her in the eye after what they’re responsible for.

“Evie,” Estela says quietly as she considers them, “You would choose Cecilia over anyone and everything else if something threatened her.”

Val shifts uncertainly, glances up at Cecilia.

Evie doesn’t need to speak so she doesn’t. It’s a statement, not a question.

“Yeah.” Estela says as she walks around behind the woman who had started this whole mess. “I’d choose Mallory too.”

Estela’s hands crush her neck with a crunch of bone. Evie flashes her fangs.

#v: au

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

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footballleague0 · 7 years

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Atlanta Falcons exorcise their 28-3 Super Bowl LI demons — for now

ATLANTA — It’s official: The 2017 Atlanta Falcons are no longer a study in human psychology. No matter what happens over the next 14 games and beyond, their successes and failures will be about football and only football, and not about the things that haunt men in the dead of night.

The Falcons will take the most staggering Super Bowl collapse ever to their graves, that much is guaranteed. They will never need to inspect the 283 diamonds in New England’s latest championship rings to see their 28-3 Super Bowl LI lead over the Patriots frozen in big scoreboard lights, only to be reduced to a punch line in cocktail parties from Connecticut to Maine.

But on Sunday night, when the Falcons opened their shiny new stadium with a reenactment of their NFC Championship Game beatdown of the Green Bay Packers, they declared themselves a liberated lot. This was Atlanta’s first prime-time appearance before the country since treating its fans to the mother of all meltdowns in Super Bowl LI. It appears the Falcons won’t have to worry again about 28-3 until they’re holding a considerable lead in Super Bowl LII in Minneapolis.

They sure look strong enough after two weeks, mentally and physically, to make that trip. The Packers opened Sunday’s 34-23 defeat without their two starting tackles and quickly added Jordy Nelson and Mike Daniels to the injury list — but hey, that isn’t Atlanta’s problem. If Aaron Rodgers ends up performing another one-man traveling show, so be it. Matt Ryan, reigning league MVP, has already suffered enough postseason trauma to worry about another former MVP who already owns a ring.

“I don’t think about it too much,” Ryan maintained Sunday night. “I think everybody else does because the question keeps coming up.” The quarterback referenced the work his team did in the offseason, and their season-opening victory over the Chicago Bears.

“We tried to answer it that way,” he said, “but it kind of seems like nobody believed you when you were saying it. It’s felt that way in our building for sure. Were we disappointed in it? Absolutely, but we got past that. We started working on trying to become the best 2017 football team we could be. We’re two games into it. Mission accomplished on those first two games.”

Make no mistake: The Falcons wanted this one, badly, and for reasons that transcended the grand opening of Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Outside the winners’ locker room, Falcons owner Arthur Blank wrapped his coach, Dan Quinn, in a full-throttle embrace. Theirs was a January and February hug, not a September hug.

Devonta Freeman celebrates a touchdown with Matt Ryan and offensive guard Andy Levitre during Atlanta’s 34-23 victory over Green Bay. Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

“It was a great night for the city and for the fans and especially for Mr. Blank,” Quinn said.

The coach and his players had talked confidently all offseason about putting Tom Brady’s miracle comeback behind them. What else were they going to say, anyway? They had to convince themselves it was over and done with before they could convince anyone else.

In the immediate wake of the collapse, Ryan forced himself to watch the tape of the Super Bowl three times. It hurt more than Dont’a Hightower’s sack and strip. But it’s always better to confront championship-round disasters head on, just as the 2013 San Antonio Spurs did after they blew Game 6 (and ultimately the series) with Miami Heat fans in the parking lots and arena officials preparing for the visitors’ coronation.

The Spurs secured vengeance against the Heat the following June, and it’s quite possible the Falcons will even the score with the Patriots in February. It’s also possible they’ll end up like the 2011 Texas Rangers, who twice stood one strike away from winning the World Series in Game 6 before the St. Louis Cardinals stole it in seven. The Rangers haven’t won a playoff series since.

The early returns in Atlanta are more promising than that, and some changes in scenery and personnel have undoubtedly helped. This new building couldn’t have opened at a better time. With its retractable roof and giant, sky-high videoboards forming a halo, the stadium helped change the conversation. On opening night, the place looked so spectacular it made Jerry Jones’ palatial home of AT&T Stadium look like the StubHub Center.

Thirty seconds Sunday night in a win over the Packers showed why Atlanta might be better equipped for a Super Bowl run this season.

A revamped Packers defense once again folded and gave up 34 points to the Falcons in Green Bay’s loss.

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The presence of two new coordinators hasn’t hurt, either. Marquand Manual is running a defense that appears improved, and necessarily so, and Steve Sarkisian has assumed the role of Kyle Shanahan, who pulled a Pete Carroll (he passed the ball in the Super Bowl when he should’ve run it) and left NRG Stadium in Houston with a whole lot of explaining to do. Shanahan is now the 0-2 head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, who line up Brian Hoyer at quarterback (99 passing yards vs. Seattle on Sunday) and an offense that has so far delivered four Robbie Gould field goals and no touchdowns.

Shanahan was Atlanta’s undisputed Super Bowl LI bogeyman, and as good as he generally was at running the offense, his subtraction represented a psychological addition. In Seattle, Richard Sherman and others still have apparent issues with Carroll and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell over their decision to have Russell Wilson throw the ball rather than Marshawn Lynch rumble it over the goalline. But the Falcons don’t have residual issues with Shanahan because they don’t have to look at him anymore.

So there they were Sunday night, a new team with a new outlook in a new building carrying a 34-10 lead into the fourth quarter. Devonta Freeman, who whiffed on the Hightower block that changed everything in Houston back in February, scored two touchdowns. Julio Jones, who made the absurd catch that should’ve beaten New England, caught four balls for 95 yards in the first half. Ryan, who had a quarterback rating of 144.1 against the Patriots, threw for 201 of his 252 yards in the first half and ended up beating Rodgers for the third time in 11 months.

Desmond Trufant intercepted Rodgers and scooped up a Rodgers’ fumble and returned it for a touchdown after Vic Beasley Jr. nearly cut the Packers quarterback in half. The Atlanta defense needed to deliver this kind of performance as much as it needed to protect the remains of a 10-point fourth-quarter lead in the opener in Chicago, where Brooks Reed sacked Mike Glennon in the final seconds on fourth-and-goal.

“In the past, we haven’t won a lot of those games on the defensive side,” Falcons general manager Thomas Dimitroff said. “It was usually the offense pulling it out.”

In the middle of a delirious locker room — by mid-September standards — Dimitroff stopped for a moment to say that he was proud of the resilience of his team “even when things went awry a little bit,” and that he’s seeing the growth needed on both sides of the ball. “It’s the second game of the season,” the GM said, “but it’s a nice start for us to set a nice tone and show that we’re not looking back on anything, that we’ve been looking forward.”

The view looks pretty good from here. The Falcons own the Packers. The Dallas Cowboys were humiliated in Denver. The Seattle Seahawks have been shaky and the New York Giants have been more than shaky. In other words, Atlanta appears to be the early team to beat in the NFC.

They were also the early team to beat in Super Bowl LI, with a better-than-99 percent chance to win when they held a 25-point lead in the third quarter. But they lost. The painful memories will last a lot longer than the rest of their NFL careers, but the Falcons deserve credit for the way they have managed the nightmare.

Now they’re 2-0, and they just smacked around Rodgers on muscle memory. That doesn’t mean they’ll return to the Super Bowl. But it does mean whatever happens between now and then will be about blocking and tackling their opponents, and not about exorcising ghosts.

The post Atlanta Falcons exorcise their 28-3 Super Bowl LI demons — for now appeared first on Daily Star Sports.

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giantsfootball0 · 7 years

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Atlanta Falcons exorcise their 28-3 Super Bowl LI demons — for now

Devonta Freeman celebrates a touchdown with Matt Ryan and offensive guard Andy Levitre during Atlanta’s 34-23 victory over Green Bay. Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

“It was a great night for the city and for the fans and especially for Mr. Blank,” Quinn said.

Thirty seconds Sunday night in a win over the Packers showed why Atlanta might be better equipped for a Super Bowl run this season.

A revamped Packers defense once again folded and gave up 34 points to the Falcons in Green Bay’s loss.

1 Related

“In the past, we haven’t won a lot of those games on the defensive side,” Falcons general manager Thomas Dimitroff said. “It was usually the offense pulling it out.”

The post Atlanta Falcons exorcise their 28-3 Super Bowl LI demons — for now appeared first on Daily Star Sports.

from https://dailystarsports.com/2017/09/18/atlanta-falcons-exorcise-their-28-3-super-bowl-li-demons-for-now/ from https://dailystarsports.tumblr.com/post/165467622026

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iapplewriting-blog · 7 years

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“The Night Shift”

alternate/working title: “Landen in Target”

As told by the Target security staff, who have just closed up for the night and are watching the cameras

Characters: Daniel and Lindsey, two night guards at Target

Setting: one of those stereotypical security rooms covered in screens

Time: 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday

Author’s note: I’m not too sure if this has a theme at all, or if it means anything, but hey, I wrote it in record time (about an hour for the first draft, which is pretty much what you’re going to read, but I did some minor editing - and I do mean minor). And yet I feel like I spent too much time on it.

“Lindsey?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you seeing this?”

Lindsey, ever the nimble one, kicked the filing cabinet to send her and her swivel chair rolling across the Target security office. It wasn’t a long ride; she only went about seven feet before knocking over the floor fan positioned against the far wall.

As her coworker Daniel moved to right the fallen fan, Lindsey adjusted her glasses and leaned towards the flickering monitor on the desk to see what was going on.

And then she saw it.

“Danny? Is there a…” Lindsey trailed off, thoroughly confused, and continued to stare blankly at the image on the screen.

From where he was plugging the fan back in behind the desk, Daniel replied, “A kid perched on the top shelf of the toy department like Batman? Couldn’t be. Those shelves are crap, nobody can climb them.” He stood the fan back up and headed for the coffee pot. “Especially not someone old enough to sneak into a Target and stay undetected until one in the morning.”

“Must be the lack of sleep playing with me,” Lindsey muttered as she reached for her own coffee mug. “Never worked a night shift before, so this is weird. Mind if I take a nap real quick?” She slid back over to her desk and pulled out a sticky note. Tell manager to consider providing free energy drinks for workers, she scribbled before sticking the pink note to the wall.

“That’s fine, yeah,” Daniel said as he settled back into his chair and cracked open a novel. “I’ll keep watch.”

Lindsey didn’t hear him; she was already out cold.

An hour passed.

“Lindsey, are you awake?” Daniel turned away from his computer and looked at his coworker. No dice. She was fast asleep.

Daniel slid his own chair over and gave her a shake. “Lindsey!” In her sleep, she punched him - hard. He rubbed his shoulder, held her clenched fist in place to avoid getting socked again, and shook her harder.

“What?” she finally grumbled, lifting her head from her makeshift sweatshirt pillow.

“You have to see this,” he said quietly, tugging her chair over to his desk.

“What is it this time? Shelf-sitter’s moved on to the women’s clothing department to try on all the maternity dresses at once?” Lindsey snapped.

“Nope, it’s weirder,” Daniel shot back. “Now, I’m sleep-deprived too, but this one isn’t you hallucinating, I promise.”

Lindsey, now mostly awake, glared at the monitor Daniel had dragged her to.

The kid (teenager? ghost? who could tell at this point? not Lindsey, that’s for sure) was dragging a shopping cart toward the furniture department.

“They call him LB,” Daniel whispered as he dumped more sugar into his coffee.

“Who?”

“I did some research while you were sleeping. Walmart. Kmart. Michael’s. Legend has it that if he gets in your store, he’s bound to do something absolutely ridiculous,” Daniel told Lindsey as he stirred his coffee.

Lindsey snorted. “Who says?”

Daniel pointed at the screen. The boy was now taking his cart, which he’d filled with what appeared to be all the Minion toys they had in stock, and pointing it toward a pyramid of Barbie doll boxes.

“Okay, fine, but this isn’t enough to constitute him being a retail legend. Who else says he’s going to do these things?”

Daniel handed her a cell phone that was dialing. Lindsey put it to her ear and said hello.

“So you wanna hear about LB,” a voice said cryptically from the other end.

“Well… yeah, I guess so,” Lindsey replied, leaning back in her chair. Out of the corner of her eye, the infiltrator was strapping on a Spiderman mask.

“We were the first to see what he could do,” the voice went. He comes in one day and builds a fort out of toilet paper. We say, well, okay, we’ve seen weirder - this is Walmart, after all. We had a guy in a towel poncho once. Anyway, we don't pay too much attention until a customer complains about the music the guy was playing from inside the fort.

“So we’re at the customer service counter, wondering what we’re s’posed to do, when someone else comes up and yells at us for letting someone set up camp in the middle of an aisle and poke passerby with a pool noodle, and pretty soon the manager’s there freaking out, too. Toilet paper fort with music blaring from it? Yeah, sure, fine, whatever. We’re friggin’ Walmart, not like we care. But pool noodles? That's what set the manager off?. So me and my buddy head on out.”

Lindsey, now totally interested, asked, “Did you catch him?”

The voice on the other end of the line scoffed. “We get there and all that’s left is a couple of beanbag chairs and some stray toilet paper. The next week, one of my friends who works at T.J.Maxx calls me and tells me a weird story about her going to restock some shelves and finding every single dish in the store turned upside down. Later I heard that someone had turned all the mystery novels in the Barnes and Noble around so their spines faced inward, toward the shelf, not to mention moving all of the moon landing books to the fiction section.”

By now Lindsey had put the phone on speaker so she could watch the screen and listen at one time. “So why do they call him LB?”

“No idea. After he went bowling with oil jugs at the auto parts store, someone just called him LB, and it stuck. This one time, he went into the Hobby Lobby and took all of the clocks - no, really, every last one - and…”

LB, if that was his name, was now wearing a bright red jacket over a sparkly black dress and his normal clothes with some funky boots and was clambering into the cart, two mops in hand. Looking determined, he settled in amongst the Minions and adjusted his grip on the mops.

“...so after he hid all of the fake flowers, he went back to the clock hoard and…”

“Hey, uh, Walmart guy? It’s been nice listening to you, but I kinda have to go now, thanks, bye,” Lindsey quickly said before hanging up and passing the phone back to Daniel. Both security guards were focused solely on the screen now, watching as LB struggled with the huge mops and started to propel himself toward the stack of dolls.

Abruptly Daniel shot out of his seat, muttered something about “can’t lose this job over a kid in a dress running amok”, and sprinted out of the office. Lindsey, dimly realizing that maybe she should do something, rose to follow him.

“Hey?” she whisper-shouted as she jogged after Daniel. “Maybe we should take a stealth approach?” Daniel shook his head and took off toward the boy, who seemed to be getting comfortable with building up speed using two mops and a cart full of Minions.

“THIS IS TARGET SECURITY, WE DEMAND THAT YOU STOP!” Daniel yelled toward LB. Lindsey, now more confused than ever, said nothing.

But it was too late. Sequined dress fluttering in the wind, he zoomed toward the stack of dolls at a speed too fast for him to possibly control with his mops. LB tried anyway; he slammed the mops down, which only turned the cart sideways before he crashed into the dolls.

When the Minions stopped flying through the air, he was gone.

The next day, Lindsey asked her friend Brooke (who worked in the clothes section) if they sold any sequined black dresses, red jackets, or floral boots. Brooke checked the inventory and said no, they didn’t, but that such an ensemble would probably look really good. Lindsey thanked her, satisfied that no clothing had been stolen on her watch, and immediately quit her job. She soon found work at the neighboring Chick-Fil-A… a job she quit two months later when a fellow cashier told her he’d seen a kid in a fake beard walk in during the lunch rush, dump all of the mayonnaise packets into a Halloween candy pail, and then stand on an empty table for ten minutes counting heads before giving every customer exactly 22.7 of the packets. (Thankfully, someone managed to escort him away from the drive-through window before he started handing customers little chicken-shaped erasers.)

Daniel stayed at Target, but only after he convinced his boss to hire a full team of patrol men to watch the store with him at night. After what was later dubbed “The Dorm Furniture Disaster”, involving thirty teddy bears, seven radio alarm clocks that had been set to the salsa station, and a broken XBox, all of the patrol men quit and Daniel got switched to the electronics department.

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