#GODDDD WHY DID YOU MAKE ME AUTISTIC

[yummyangst]

You guys ever think about how guilty Lloyd must've felt after Zane's first death? It was his destiny to destroy the Overlord; HIS, not Zane's, but he ended up being too weak and having to hand the responsibility of it over to his brother, someone who he could think of as a safe space, a role model, one of the only people that probably wasn't all that rude to him when he was a kid compared to Kai or Jay, and it all ended up in him having to watch Zane explode and what remained of him scattered everywhere. He must've felt like Zane's death was his fault. He had to have. I'm not normal about Lloyd tbh

#lego ninjago #lloyd garmadon #ninjago #ninjago zane #i am so insane about this #character analysis #GODDDD WHY DID YOU MAKE ME AUTISTIC

[the-official-account]

I've had the autistic vellum head cannon for like...an hour. Here's some thoughts/fic ideas

No real spoilers!! For friends in the early'sodes

At some point, Vellum gets overstimulated (the hands-on-your-ears kind, I imagine the irritable kinda is ...normal. because the world is loud as shit) and Spar is really helpful cause he assumes Vellum is getting a migraine on and takes him somewhere quieter and dark & it's really sweet :)

Iris and Vellum being ND buds has already kinda come up in my fic (post-edits) but I'm saying it again. Two techs who together know 90% of the random facts that exist in the world. Iris coming into Vellum's office like "sit down. I NEED to tell you about the lastest theories on Ignacio" and Vellum's into magic so ofc he's so down. They're FRIENDS your honor! Or they become friends!

Vellum gets bored/understimulated and plays with destiny until she goes and just takes a nap. And spar is like "you tuckered her out, huh?" And Vellums like "I am a persistence predator, she is an ambush predatory. Of course I did" and spar's just kinda like ??????

Spar having that moment a lot in general. The "I have no fucking clue what you're talking about but I love you"

Vellum really liking the texture of Spar's turquoise tie and fiddling with it whenever Spar let's him because Sorel was right it IS soft

Just. All of the deep pressure therapy hugs. Get that Marvelous Attorney Woo shit in here because that one scene made me CRY it was so good & so cute

Vellum trying to be a Good Partner™ further into his and Spar's relationship and making all kinds of plans until Spar (professional investigator) is like "not that I mind? But why do you do exactly one gesture per week?" And Vellums like "ah—" (Spar tries to show him he can be spontaneous and it partially works and helps vellum chill but also sometimes a bitch likes to plan and that's ok!!)

Vellum has memorized The Rules™

Spar fixating on something (am I making this ADHD/autism? Idk. You decide, whatever.) To like an unhealthy degree. I case or whatever. And come like 4pm Vellum's like "you haven't had lunch. We're going to have lunch. I'm going to keep bothering you until you have lunch" cause Spar usually eats three meals a day and often physically exerts himself, and he NEEDS to stay nourished. Those are The Rules™

Vellum usually asking Grey about The Rules™ when he's not certain about them but he's trying to figure out when and how to introduce spar as his partner (romo edition) and he can't ask Grey and so he's just like ughhhhhhhhh

I just wanna see Spar's reaction if Vellum every walks him through Morality Math™ outloud and like the end result it good but some of the justifications in the middle sounds mildly-to-incredibly fucked up. like, Vellum has made up his mind about the trolley problem in MANY variations

STIMMY VELLUM. CAUSE ITS CUTE AS SHIT. Maybe a stim where he twirls his cane when he's sitting. And the classic hand flaps because those are always wonderful.

This plays into a fic idea I have but Vellum being cautious around the folks in Clovenheart because he knows he's a normie and The Rules™ say he should be extra courteous and he tries not to overstep. But when He becomes spar's Partner (romo) Brunhilde keeps trying to treat him like a son and Vellum keeps accidentally being too polite until she's just like "Look kid, when you walk in would you mind giving me a hug? Do you not like hugs?" And he's like "no I like hugs I'll do that" and they have a sit down to hash out The Rules (Son in Law edition)™

Vellum being really confused/upset as to why someone reacted a certain way and unsure about how to navigate it and Anya using her ability to walk him through it

Anya using her ability to understand Vellum when he can't communicate as well too!

Anya and Vellum bonding over law because those!!!! Those are a lot of rules? And spar is in the corner outwardly like "oh my godddd" and inwardly like "my friends are having fun together and I am hanging out watching them talk this is nice :)"

Vellum being a picky eater but in a sensory seeking way. He grew up on super bougie food and has a hard time eating bland stuff

Spar being all blank-faced Intimidating while Vellum's using him to stim (tapping on him, playing with his hand, etc.)

Spar having a moment when something bad that happens gets to him so much he just breaks down and Vellum steps in in to make sure they're safe and Spar has a place to decompress and all that. And the next day Vellum start's to feel guilty for being OK in the face of what happened and Spar talks him through that <3<3 ah, homosexuality

Bonus that DOES have spoilers for maybe episode 20? 22? Idk:

Vellum doing research on how to be a good big brother and Spar sitting down with him to talk about his experience as a sibling and just just hold Vellum as he talks about how scared he is of fucking it up, wahhhhhhh

#eventually im gonna lose the energy & time to post quite so much #but then i wilk have this backlog to go back to and enjoy again! #posting for my mutuals who are catching up and my headmates who wont remember this later :))) #building a comfy little nest with posts as my sticks. arguing about them like thise two eagles #edil chats #three of hearts #three of hearts pod #agent kaolin vellum #agent meriam felspar

[stylesbicon]

not to tmi all over Tumblr again where I only have probably like 3 mutuals anymore

but I'm just exhausted. and yaaaa it probably def has to do with how I'm suddenly constantly forgetting to take my meds but like

wow dysphoria. wow depression. wow Expat Loneliness. wow autism...

here comes the ramble~~~

first of all lol why am I telling all this to a website? I've mentioned this before but when you move around so much you don't have daily solid dependable relationships to like vent and tell your shit to. like I haven't had a Real Conversation tm in.... soooo long I don't even remember when

so I do have like 3 friends here but they're just like. people to do shit with it's not like we really Know each other?

I've been in more of a cycle of depression... like am I taking care of myself and cleaning my house and buying groceries? yes. but am I working out twice a day anymore and doing shit before work and managing my life? nah

I still have to figure out my FUCKING blocked debit card from October that can probably be fixed by one phone call in the right language, I still don't have a scooter/car, I still don't have a therapist or a doctor... I still haven't gone out to eat alone anywhere (and I'm a huge foodie) and it's all that social anxiety bullshit I'm sick of and makes me feel like shit about myself

I'm soooo dysphoric constantly like way more than ever it affects everything, from personal relationships to like dating... I JUST NEED TO GET ON T HOLY SHIT I HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE HERE but wow navigating that what the hell even?? also wow would love some surgeries and a legal name change but can I at least do baby steps im so old I've been out for years this is bullshit that chips away at my will to live on a daily basis

also fuck I'm getting more and more weighed down by just Being Autistic lol like. the social interactions and effort that are required of me? yeah I go out and socialize because I'm a human and need a community here so I'm trying to build it but it's exhausting and I'm horrible and awkward so lots of people here hate me bc their first impression of me was in that weird setting. also it means I go out and drink a ton just to be capable of speaking to someone like a normal person which. that's very exhausting so I'm over and done with that in this new year new me phase but like. holy shit I clash with everyone here

and yeah I'm naturally lonely and all my friends are trying to get into relationships and are always talking about dating and sex and it's so awful for me bc due to a mix of autism and dysphoria I can't even message anyone on a dating app let alone reciprocate interest in the (somehow) decent amount of people here who are into me

and also ohhhh my godddd tmi again but like? I'm so sick of feeling like some kind of broken freak for never having experienced sexual attraction once ever in my life like. wow I'm cool with that I guess. but I'm sooooo sick of all the convo w buds about porn and masturbation and shit when like ??? literally I have no idea how either of those things work and god I wish I DID and was normal like wow it would sure be great to have an s/o here to share in my misery with me but even if you take sex out of the equation my brain still doesn't even get the relationship thing???

ahhhh sorry for this weird dumb ramble but im just in a weird mood and have been real down by all the above shit

#personal #sorry theres nowhere else to dump this xoxo #sex mention further down #but like actually not really at all