#GODDDDDD i know i went on and on about this episode the other day but i STILL live in this scene | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dwindlingashesburnt · 5 years

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I have issues in relation to control

Like....a lot, and they're varied.

At times I'll struggle with feeling like I have no/not enough control, othertimes I feel like I have far too much control and or power, or like I can't and shouldn't have any control.

And then of course there's sub categories in every case.

....At the moment, I'm struggling with feeling like I have too little control, and I've apparently fallen down the hole of 'if I can't control it, I won't have it' plus the 'I need to have absolute control over my environment'

This route is....very bad, for a lot of reasons. For one, it directly feeds into eating issues I had/have - if I feel like I can't control what I'm eating, I don't make much of an effort to eat, and that's far too much of a slippery slope towards "nobody is here to check of I've eaten, so it's fine if I don't. I'm not really hungry and if I am, I shouldn't be. I don't really NEED to eat right now, and if I do, I don't want to, and if I do, eating makes me feel nauseous no matter what." Which is bad, for obvious reasons. I've been on holiday so far for three days and the amount I'm eating each day just seems to keep going down

It means I don't sleep much, which makes me tired, which distresses me further the next day when this tiredness emphasises how little control I have over even my own body (or at least that's what it feels like),which makes me behave even worse and heightens the whole issue

It makes me reluctant to talk to people even though I want to, because I can't control what other people say, and at the moment, I can't handle even that lack of control, so I've been more or less avoiding my family, ignoring the group chat of my friends, barely talking

It makes me reluctant to do a lot of things ((a lot of very IMPORTANT things) because part of my mind is insisting that they are expected, that even if there wasn't an outright demand there is an implied demand I do it, and it cannot be allowed for nayone to have any sort of power over me like that. Not right now. Not now. (But these things can vary between cleaning my room, washing dishes, playing a game, eating, sleeping, basic hygiene like brushing teeth....so I think you can see why having a strong disinclination to do any of that is bad)

And on and on and on....

And then whenever I don't have control, or it's revealed to me that...thatw whatever's wrong with me or whatever has more control than I, me, consciously thinking and making decisions and opinions, does....Like at the end of the day, when I realise I got nothing meaningful done, or look at the mess in my bedroom, and realise I'm losing, I'm losing control I'm losing the damn fight and I shouldn't be, because I know I can win, I SHOULD NOT BE LOSING CONTROL

Or I'm sitting somewhere and I can't figure out how to block notifications and texts and calls on my phone to get people to stop, or I'm getting more and more tense as I try to drown out the sound of drilling next door or the TV show someone else in the family (someone who is not me!!) put on, or....

And, and, and I'm aware this makes me sound mad, and cruel. It makes me sound like some cartoon villain - I must have control over EVERYTHING, everyone and everything around me, I will not talk to people because I cannot control what they say, I will not eat necause eating is expected of me....But mostly it's the opposite - frightening to me and plain frustrating to everyone else.

Because to me, I'm getting distressed and angry, and there's a lump in my throat that part of my brain is insisting i could tear out and breathe normally again if I tore and scratched at my neck and throat long enough and I'm far too tense and this SUCKS and I feel like I'm starting to disassociate maybe possibly I don't know I hate how it feels like control is just slipping through my fingers when I NEED THAT, I need that control to be okay, and I shouldn't, but I do, and it's liek sand through my fingers and I can't....And I'm trying not to guve myself away, but everyone else is just mildly frustrated and possibly mildly concerned because as far as they can tell I'm just being a bit of an asshole today

And, and I know this feeling won't last forever. I've doen this before, it sucks and it's awful and makes me feel a little like I'm dying and or about to genuinely shove someone against the wall with my hands round their fucking throat, or just start having a blinking panic attack over the sound of someone's breathing, but. But. It has never lasted that long before. Less than a week. Usually less than four days.

Today is day one.

Theoretically I have less than three more days before this little episode or whatever the fuck it is, is over

....But right now my throat feels too tight and I feel like my body is not my own and I'm too tense and the sound of my mother watching TV is driving me mad and I'm trying to comvince myself not to shove my cat off the bed, push her out of the room, lock the door (except there is no lock there is none I cannot fucking control who comes in my own room oh godddddd I can't do this help), right now looking at my Tumblr dashboard is a bit too much uncontrolled input from people I can't predict or control or influence, but I just. I just. Three more days. I just need to hold out until then.

.....I sound so evil.

"People I can't predict or control or influence"

Yeah you stupid control freak that's because they're fucking PEOPLE

I had to stop hugging my dad before I wanted to because I could hear his breathing and it was driving me mad and my brain started going "you need control of it" so I just fucking noped out of there because I was not liking where these (intrusive? do these invasive thoughts of contrll count as intrusive thoughts??) thoughts were heading so i left and went upstairs and hnnnnnnn

Three more days

Theoretically

Just...I just need to hold out and not destroy or damage anyoen or anything until then, preferably including me.

#control issues #lack of control #personal #vent

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forestwater87 · 5 years

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The absurdly-overdue Niekki post

I don’t think I realized it until I answered a Ma//kk//i ask a few days ago, but I fucking love Nikki and Neil as a ship. It’s just really cute and sweet, they make perfect sense together, and if I was a betting nerd I’d call them endgame.

And they’re also the least popular ship in the entire fandom. Including the gross ones.

And it honestly comes as such a surprise to me, because thinking it over, I realized something completely fucking bonkers that I don’t think anyone has paid much attention to:

Neil/Nikki has a stronger canon basis than any other ship in Camp Camp, by miles.

Yes, more than Gwe//nvid.

That should tell you how dead-fucking-serious I am about this ship.

Season 1, Episode 1: Escape from Camp Campbell

These two spent an entire who-knows-how-long bus ride together, as the only people on that bus (QM doesn’t count as people and you know it), both of them convinced they were going to entirely separate camps.

I want more than anything on this earth to know what that conversation was like. Nikki being such an enthusiastic and chatty little bean, there’s no way she didn’t talk his ear off the entire time and we were robbed of that conversation, Rooster Teeth.

MAKE IT RIGHT, ROOSTER TEETH.

Season 1, Episode 2: Mascot

They went on a fun little adventure together, without Max! They risked life and limb and found a new mascot and learned about each other and held hands and it was so cute and sweet -- and I failed to take a single screencap of it, because like everyone else I somehow missed that this ship is perfect and everything I ever needed. But I do have a picture of them bonding with David, so:

“Bonding.”

Season 1, Episode 3: Scout’s Dishonor

Not only do I have no pictures from this episode because it doesn’t include David and when I first started watching/screencapping I was a total slut for that good tree boy, but the Camp Camp wiki has no pictures from this episode. WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW GOOD THIS SHIP IS?!

Anyway, picture-less: Neil explores his gender, is exposed to basically the camp of his dreams, and in the end decides to abandon it because Nikki gives him the sweetest most vulnerable smile --

Man, a picture would sure go down smooth right here, huh? Too bad no one cares about these two or their interactions, my 2016 self apparently included. (My 2019 self is currently doing this during some downtime at work, hence not just pulling up new caps. If I must suffer, y’all must suffer.)

-- and then they fly away together on a bird Nikki summoned! And Neil thinks that’s the coolest shit ever, and the awe in his face and voice when she shows the Flower Scouts Timothy is really good and HOW? HOW DID NO ONE NOTICE?!

They learn about each other and accept one another even though they’re not exactly alike, and it’s one of the more wholesome parts of the entire show.

ETA: JUST KIDDING I TOTALLY HAD A POST I FORGOT ABOUT! I’m keeping my comments in because they made me laugh though.

Season 1, Episode 4: Camp Cool Kidz

They’re on opposite sides of this conflict because Neil is on the side of his bro/boyfriend Max, but it doesn’t seem to damage their friendship at all. These two can forgive and forget like nobody’s business. (This also applies to Max and Nikki, yes. Makkiel4lyfe.)

Also she saw him shirtless. Mrow.

Season 1, Episode 5: Journey to Spooky Island

They . . . um . . .

Listen, not every episode is gonna have ironclad evidence, okay? Just look how cute they are and shut up.

Season 1, Episode 6: Reigny Day

Actually, Nikki’s kind of a dick to Neil in this episode. She doesn’t especially care if he’s dead and laughs at him for having a diary. This episode is really all about Max being Neil’s bro and looking for him when he goes missing.

Like I said, not all gold, but adorable.

Season 1, Episode 7: Romeo & Juliet: Love Resurrected

HE IS SO NERVOUS TO KISS HER OH MY GODDDDDD

And I think that’s all the incisive commentary this episode needs.

Season 1, Episode 8: Into Town

Neil is the first and only person to notice that something is wrong with Nikki; even though they didn’t spend a ton of time together this episode, they do have one of the more powerful emotional beats. He knows her arguably better than Max does, and can therefore more quickly recognize when she’s not herself (though how you miss that says less about Neil and more about what a single-minded revenge-obsessed monster Max is at this point in the show).

This is not the first time he notices that Nikki’s being mistreated and expresses concern, either. He’s much more protective of her than his often-selfish nature would imply.

Season 1, Episode 9: David Gets Hard

They spend the entire episode playing together! Bonding! This is basically what we can assume they’re doing whenever Max is off with David or Dolph or whatever scheme he has going on when he’s not with them, and the fact that they basically spend all their waking hours hanging out and being friends is just really lovely, especially considering how little they have in common and how few the things they’d both enjoy doing are.

It becomes clear that their friendship can survive without Max acting as an anchor, which, as anyone who’s been in a 3-person friendship can attest, is not always the case.

Season 1, Episode 10: Mind Freakers

Neil is such a jerk in this one, and I actually think it makes a really nice contrast. Nikki’s been mean to him in previous episodes, and in a very similar way; in “Reigny Day,” she cares less about his well-being than about having her own fun and exciting adventure. In this episode, Neil’s similarly too self-absorbed to worry about his friend’s personal safety -- albeit with much more disastrous (maybe? Is Nikki magic?) results.

But the way Nikki just trots along beside him down the path to hell and choking on magic scarves is adorable. She more or less always trusts him and does what he tells her to.

This is perhaps not the wisest idea, but Nikki isn’t known for her wisdom.

What’s the opposite of that “get you a man who” meme? Because this is not. Get a man who never does this.

That being said, the look on his face when he’s genuinely scared for her life and about to turn his back on everything he believes?

I ship it.

Season 1, Episode 11: Camporee

There’s literally nothing. They’re barely in this episode and I don’t think they interact at all. They can’t all be winners, I guess.

That being said, Max and Neil have this really cute moment and it should be appreciated. Anyway.

Season 1, Episode 12: The Order of the Sparrow

Shit, they’re not really in this one either! The closest we get to shipping fodder is Neilxplatypus.

I mean . . . Nikki is basically a wild animal, and apparently Neil is cool with that under very specific circumstances. It’s a stretch, but I still think there’s more than enough --

Holy shit.

Wait.

I’ve only done the first season so far! And this is long as balls! Oh my god, there’s no fucking way I’m doing all the episodes in this post. Niekki is getting a multi-post spectacular because they deserve it, damn it.

#campcamp #camp camp roosterteeth #cc nikki #cc neil #niekki #makkiel #cc max #maxneil a little bit #i bet i used a dumb word somewhere and this won't show up in the tags #so mutuals please spread far and wide?#because tumblr is trash and i bet it thinks this is not good for the children or something

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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381

Where did you get what you wore to bed last night? I decided to stay over at Gabie’s place at the last minute and didn’t bring a change of clothes, so she lent me one of her duster dresses. Do your parents smoke? Nope. Do you know anyone who has a ton of real fur clothes? As far as I know I don’t, and I hope there really is no one. If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert? It’s a cool prospect, but I wouldn’t go. What about Hedley? See I don’t even have the slightest clue who they/that are/is.

When you're cranky, do you take it out on others? Yep. Have you ever worn a pair of leather (fake or real) pants? No. I’d die from how hot it would be. Are you older then sixteen? Yes. If the last person you kissed asked you to marry them, what would you do? I always talk about how excited I am to get married, but if she asked me at this moment I’d find it freaky and say that it’s too early to do such a thing. What color pen did you last use? Black. Do you know who Craig Owens is? I don’t think so. What was the last message you received about? I was just talking to Gabie about her dad and asking her for reassurance that he likes and approves of me. He’s really nice, but he’s intensely quiet, and as a mass communication major who’s used to being surrounded by talkative people and filling the silence with noise, his quietness unnerved me quite a bit. Side story: The three of us had dinner last night and even though I begged her not to, Gabie went to the washroom, leaving me with her dad for several minutes. Filipino parents would normally break the ice and ask questions, but he immediately went on his phone and DID. NOT. TALK. TO ME. As if I wasn’t there. It wasn’t necessarily rude, it’s just the way he is according to Gab. It was straight out of a movie, I was so uncomfortable–even mortified to an extent–and looked around at other tables for a bit and wondered if we were gonna stay like that for eternity. I put my masscom skills to the table and came up with a topic, which thankfully lasted until he came back. Do you ever suddenly jolt awake when you're almost asleep? It happens sometimes. What shoes do you wear to work out in? I don’t work out. Has a bookshelf or desk, etc, of yours ever randomly collapse? I don’t remember that ever happening. What's the longest you ever stayed at someone else's house? Idk, I never really overstay. The longest has probably been at Angela’s - I’d sometimes stay close to a full 24 hours there. What is your favorite aunt's middle name? I think it’s Josette. What was the subject of the last science fair project you did? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA can we forget fucking investigative projects please omg those made my high school life HELL Do you think making a guy/girl jealous is a good way to get together? It’s certainly petty. I like petty. Is your math teacher married? I haven’t taken a math class since freshman year; but no, I don’t think that prof is married. Name something you used to wear that you thought you looked SO good in, but now when you see it is actually hideous? It’s not hideous, but I had a stiletto phase when I was 13 and would wear 6-inch heels to the fucking mall. It’s so embarrassing to look back on, especially when I realize now that people weren’t staring at me because they were impressed with my heels, they were staring because I looked fucking dumb. Do you miss your last ex? I missed her too much I got back together with her. When you believe in the Easter Bunny, what did you think it looked like? Chandler Bing from that one Halloween episode. What about the tooth fairy? I didn’t really have an image in mind, I just wanted her to give me money. Do you/did you have a religion class in school? I went to a Catholic school, so yes. But the school I go to now prohibits any kind of religious promotion. There are religious orgs and people of any and every religion are allowed to step into the university, but coaxing people to prayer or something of that manner isn’t allowed. Has your best friend ever ditched you for a guy/girl? Never. Do you ever get jealous of your friends? Sometimes, but they’re my friends so it passes. Do you think it's stupid when people online out over little spelling errors? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Is there someone who calls or texts you every night to say goodnight? Gabie. If your best friend got cancer, would you shave your head with them? I would probably do it for Gabie or Anj. Did you kiss anyone on New Year's this year? No, my girlfriend and I always spend the holidays with our families. Name someone you know who is Buddhist. I’ve heard one of my classmates from high school is a Buddhist, but I never got that confirmed cos I never really cared for her. Has anyone ever purposely made a food of you? What does this even mean? Like a cupcake with my face on it? No. Would you rather work at a fast food restaurant or be a garbage man? Fast food but I’d rather stay inside the kitchen or have a role that won’t require me to be social. I wouldn’t want to deal with pissy old people. What was the subject of the last essay you wrote? Chinese-Filipino relations in the Philippines from the 1970s to the present. Does your mom wear makeup? Yes. Do you kiss your boyfriends/girlfriends in front of your parents? I held Gabie’s hand while we were with her dad last night, but no I don’t kiss her. Have you ever spent Christmas alone? I’m always with my family, but I do feel mentally alone. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? Yes. Do you say attractive, hot, or sexy or something else about guys/girls? Um I mean I say ‘pretty’ a lot. Is there a member of the opposite sex you'd do ANYTHING for? Gabie’s dad tbh. Does your favorite uncle have any children? No. Has anyone ever kissed you when you were so not expecting it? I’m sure it’s happened before. Was it a good surprise kiss? Or bad? Good, cos all my kisses always come from my girlfriend haha. Do you know which has more alcohol: beer or vodka? It’s gotta be vodka, right? Name a Nintendo 64 game. Mario Kart 64. Hahaha, easy way out. Do you use gift bags or wrapping paper? Gift bags, because I’m absolutely hopeless with gift-wrapping. Do you ever day dream about the person you like? She comes up from time to time, yes. Have you ever sat in front of a kicking and crying child on a plane? No thank godddddd. Name all the members (first, middle and last names) from your favorite band. Hayley Nichole Williams, Zachary Wayne Farro, Taylor Benjamin York. Do you still have any Pokemon cards? Nah, those disappeared like a decade ago. How many cards are in your wallet? I’ve never really gotten to counting them. YouTube, Facebook or Bzoink? I mean I use them all for different reasons. I’d go to YouTube for videos, Facebook for work, and Bzoink to find surveys. Have you ever tried to make something right but it just messed it up more? Do you mean all the time? Has someone ever approached you and offered you drugs? Never. I’d be so shocked and probably get an anxiety attack haha. ^ What did you do? Do you like the picture on your ID? NO. It had been drizzling and I had no umbrella + I was late for Math class ON MY FIRST DAY AS A COLLEGE FRESHMAN so I was so hassled. You can make out my wet hair a bit in the photo. What would you do if your favorite artist came to town but your parents wouldn't let you go? Find a way. Do you type really or rly? Both. I’d type rly if I was lazy, talking to a friend, or if I’m lazy and talking to a friend. Do you say everything in inititals because saying the full thing is too much work? Only with close friends. Have you ever found someone on the Sims to be attractive? No??? What was your first kiss like? Clueless and lots of fumbling around from me. Gab kissed me as though she’s done it a thousand times though. Is there someone you pretend to like but they really piss you off? I remember so many people. What does AP stand for? As a journalism student I understood that as Associated Press. What's something you wish was different? The country I live in. Do you ever say 'I'm rotted?’ Never said that in my life. What's the last color of jeans you saw? I saw? Light blue. Do you know anyone who refuses to swear? Yeah there were a couple of goody two shoes in high school who would absolutely refuse to. Who knows, college might have changed them. Have you ever heard a young child swear? No. Have you ever heard your grandparents swear? My maternal grandfather did, but I’ve never heard the other three do so. Have you heard all your friends swear? DUH hahaha.

#survey #surveys

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