hi toby! ive been a fan of your writing for a long time and the threads you had with your now deactivated partner, lexie, and i was wondering on why does nnoitra keep constantly thinking about grimmjow when nnoitra, himself, cheated on him and thinks that hes that deserving of having any form of relationship when he's a bad person. isn't he supposed to be this masculine guy that doesn't let stupid stuff get to him? wouldn't he just move on when grimmjow wants nothing to do with him? curious.
Ah, FUCK. He sure as shit didn't want to talk ( or think ) about this.
Isn't he supposed to be this masculine guy that doesn't let stupid stuff get to him?
Damn, he sure as hell wished things were that easy. If he could choose to NOT let stuff bother him, he'd have the best life ever. Unfortunately, he wasn't like that. He wasn't sure whether or not that had anything to do with his masculinity though. It wasn't like he was whining about his old relationship. He did think about Grimmjow quite a lot though, that was true. Was he not allowed to even think about him? His relationship with Grimmjow hadn't been some fling. It had been a deep, committed relationship. A connection that had lasted for many years. And Nnoitra had never loved ANYONE like he'd loved ( and, in a way, still loved ) Grimmjow.
First things first - the cheating.
Yeah, he'd cheated on Grimmjow, but that was not the full story. People usually said there was no excuse for cheating, and Nnoitra would agree. However, there was an explanation.
His relationship with Grimmjow had been falling apart. Not through arguments, but through a growing distance. Grimmjow had simply stopped giving him attention. Going without sex had been one thing ( Nnoitra had a huge sex drive, he needed to get laid ), but going without affection had been worse. Living with a person who didn't give him any attention what-so-ever. Feeling Grimmjow's love for him dwindle. Fade away. Nnoitra had ALWAYS feared that deep down, Grimmjow couldn't forgive him for what he'd done, and that that would eventually lead him to fall out of love with him. Having this fear unfold before him had been the worst. Nnoitra had never felt more unlovable than during those months. Yet, he'd held on. Hoping. That maybe Grimmjow would come back to him. Would look at him again. Touch him. Tell him: Sorry, I was going through something, but it's not your fault, I still love you. Of course, that didn't happen. It was just a fucking fantasy. OF COURSE Grimmjow would fall out of love with him. If he ever even loved him in the first place. Maybe their whole relationship was just built on Grimmjow trying to somehow cope with the trauma Nnoitra had caused him. Like a fucked up sort of Stockholm syndrome.
When Nnoitra had gotten a text from his ex, Kyota, asking to meet up, Nnoitra had hesitated. Even meeting up with Kyota while he was dating Grimmjow had felt wrong, but - in the end, he'd just NEEDED to see a friendly face. When he'd met up with Kyota at the bar, he hadn't had any plans of going to bed with him. Cheating on Grimmjow with Kyota hadn't been the plan.
But, when faced with Kyota's kindness, and the straight-forward invitation for a good fuck? Nnoitra hadn't resisted. He'd known he was throwing everything he had with Grimmjow away, and he'd chosen that. Just to feel close to someone. Just to feel good, for the first time in months.
He'd never told Grimmjow about the cheating, but maybe the other had figured it out somehow. In any case, one night Nnoitra had come home from work - Grimmjow had been gone. No goodbye. Nothing.
Why did his relationships always end with people leaving him without a word? Nnoitra had asked himself that many times. He wondered if the answer was that his partners were afraid of him. Maybe they were afraid he'd hurt them. Grimmjow had every reason to believe that, so Nnoitra couldn't blame him. Kyota too had left him like that. Without a word, even though Nnoitra had never hurt him. Perhaps he'd been able to see it anyway. See what kind of person Nnoitra was.
That was the story of how he'd cheated on Grimmjow. It wasn't like he'd excuse his behavior. However, he knew that if his relationship with Grimmjow had been good, he never would've done it.
Then, next - it was the matter of him thinking he was DESERVING of a relationship. This was simply not true. Nnoitra DIDN'T think he deserved to be loved. He knew he was a bad person. The worst kind of person, and there was no way he could ever hide that from anyone ( not that he even tried ). If someone managed to fall in love with him ( it could happen, since it had happened before ), they'd fall out of love with him when they saw his true self. There was only so long someone could lie to themselves about what Nnoitra was.
He didn't understand why this stranger thought he thought that he deserved a relationship. He WANTED one, sure. But that didn't mean he thought it was what he deserved. People usually didn't get what they deserved. They just got whatever random shit the universe decided for them. He'd pay for his sins when he died and ended up in hell. In the meantime... He sure would like to at least feel loved again. If only for a little bit.
Why was he so HUNG UP on Grimmjow? Why didn't he "just move on"? That sounded like some shit advice from someone who didn't understand. It was a cliche to say that, he supposed. He just didn't think that how things had turned out with Grimmjow could be classified as "stupid stuff". Stupid stuff was... When you dropped your phone, or someone gave you the wrong drink, or the bus didn't drop you off at your stop.
Having your fear of not being lovable confirmed by the person you loved the most in the entire world - that was not "stupid stuff". Moving past it wasn't that easy. ESPECIALLY when he hadn't gotten ANY sort of closure. It would've been easier if Grimmjow had broken up with him. Had told him everything straight out. Nnoitra would've preferred to hear him say: I DON'T LOVE YOU. Somehow, being left without a word was an even worse type of rejection.
It was unfair to say that he wasn't moving on at all, because - he was. He WAS looking ( though halfheartedly ) for a new partner. Be it a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Sure, he thought about Grimmjow from time to time, but not nearly as much as he had done a year ago. What was he supposed to do? Forget all about him? That wasn't happening. He'd known him since they were fifteen. How do you forget a person like that? He didn't even WANT to forget. He did want to move on though - or, to keep moving on. It was a process. It wasn't like stubbing your toe and "deciding to walk it off".
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𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐯𝐢𝐛𝐞𝐬
@onepartbrave | | *Squall Leonhart
“ revenge won’t bring peace for you. ”
Despite it having been weeks since it all came to an end, he couldn’t properly shake the tenseness in his body, clinging to it as if expecting to be tossed into the maelstrom of war, death, her voice in his head and the many, countless, endless nights he had to go without sleep again at any given moment.
He still couldn’t rest and had not slept through one night after he initially passed out from the wound inflicted during the fight inside the Lunatic Pandora. Nightmares haunted him, and working through what he experienced seemed hardly to be an option, not with everything slowly resurfacing.
Part of him was thankful for Fu and Rai to take him in, nurse him back to relative health, and showing patience with his bouts of aggression, panic, and other signs of the scars he had brought back home. Another part privately hated them for the same, humiliated and ashamed, guilt weighing heavy on his mind and heart alongside it all.
Being stuck in Balamb Town certainly didn’t help. Not with the way people looked at him, not with those who he once tried to kill being so close. Garden students, his former enemies, and townspeople that had seen him during the occupation of Balamb. It was hard to leave the hotel room his friends had rented for him most of the days.
And of course, there was him. The ever-present figure during all of it, like a shadow, like a mocking mirror image of could-have-beens.
Squall, who had become everything Seifer wanted to be. Squall, who had been handed all Seifer had dreamed about all his life. Commander, Knight, Hero.
Someone people looked up to and relied upon, not out of fear but because they trusted and admired him. Never in his life would the blond have ever expected the other one to live up to such great titles and responsibilities.
Naturally, as he was clad in such a role, Leonhart would eventually come to see him. It had taken weeks, if not more than a month (for telling time apart had become somewhat of a challenge, being without any task to follow and with his sleep meddled as it was), but Seifer was not surprised - after all, the last time they faced each other, they had been fighting for their very lives, and not just to test their strengths as it once were.
Standing in front of the window leading out to a small balcony, the tall blond remained after he had opened the door to his hotel room, momentarily stunned by the sight of the brunet looking up at him with features unreadable as ever.
Instincts told him not to turn his back on the other man, but he knew there was no backstabbing attack to be feared. It wasn’t Leonhart’s style to fight dirty, after all, and aside from all that, the war was over, done.
Despite the window being opened, leaving white curtains to gently sway in the ocean breeze, the telling smell of alcohol hang in the air, clinging to the sheets and the tall blond’s clothes alike, same as the stench of cigarettes, the ashtray betraying just how much he smoked nowadays.
Clad in black pants and a simple, red shirt, Seifer did not resemble anything of what he looked like during the months he had traveled the world in her name. He was paler, his hair a little longer and while still slicked back, single strands fell into his face ever so often, bright stubble on his cheeks and jaw, while the deep shadows under his eyes betrayed the lack of sleep.
”Revenge won’t bring peace for you.”
Catching himself as he had not really listened to what Leonhart was saying, the last part had him stiffen all over again as his mind caught on to the words spoken in his direction, shoulders sliding up just so.
He could not recall what the brunet had been on about before, but it didn’t really matter.
Exhaling a sharp huff through his nose, scoffing in nature almost, Seifer glanced back over his shoulder, emerald eyes avoiding the corner of the room in which Fujin had hung up his trenchcoat, torn, dirty, and blood-stained.
“You think I still want revenge, is that it?”
There was a sharp edge to his voice, but it was a far cry from what he used to sound like back in the days of Garden, when he would taunt the other to get a reaction, any reaction out of him.
“Why are you here, Leonhart? What do you want? …aside from preaching to me…”
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THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: INFO (Redux)
OVERVIEW
NAME: the count of monte cristo
ALIAS(s): many. so damn many
AGE: varies on verse.
BIRTH: 1796
ORIGIN: france
CLASS: avenger
EYES: goldenrod
HAIR: white
HEIGHT: 6'½" (185cm)
ALIGN: Chaotic Neutral
ENNEAGRAM: 8w7
MBTI: ENTJ-A
STORY
From the life of a simple sailor, to the ungodly nightmare of being framed for a crime he did not commit, Edmond Dantes was torn away from the woman he loved and imprisoned with the hellish Chateau d'If for fourteen years. Many of those years were nothing but pure torment, both physically and mentally, but with a mind of steel, Edmond avoided falling into despair, and at some point, he would encounter a fellow prisoner by the name of Abbé Faria, who would come to be a mentor of sorts, and a father figure.
For seven years, Abbé Faria educated Edmond, teaching him everything he knew, from the various facets of scholarship, to swordsmanship, and in return, Edmond assisted Abbé in digging an escape tunnel out of Chateau d'If. Abbé Faria would die before the tunnels completion, but before his soul departed, Abbé revealed to Edmond the location of a great treasure– the treasure of Monte Cristo– which he would claim after his eventual escape from Chateau d'If.
With a near unparalleled intellect, a masterful skill for swordplay, riches beyond imagining, and a powerful relic being merged with his soul, Edmond assumed the moniker of ’the Count of Monte Cristo’ and, after a small quest to avenge Abbe Faria, he began a grand plot of revenge against those who had deceived him in the past. One by one, those responsible for Edmond’s imprisonment would be brought down, each of them meeting rather fitting ends at the hands of the man they had wronged.
When all was said and done, The Count came to feel regret and anguish for his blind pursuit of revenge, becoming reformed as a result, and later, he would leave France, departing to an unknown location, where he lived out the rest of his life in relative peace.
Alas, The Count that would later ascend to the Throne of Heroes would not harbor that aforementioned regret or anguish, nor would they be “reformed”– within their heart, vengeance and all of it’s dark, blood stained halls still called to them.
PERSONALITY
At the end of their story, Edmond Dantes renounced their vengeful, bitter ways, but this man is not that ’Edmond Dantes’, they are a different person, or rather, they are the manifestation of that mans vengeful ‘Count of Monte Cristo’ persona. A product of cruelty and betrayal,The Count is manipulative, cunning, prideful, sardonic, and prone to violence as well as bitterness, with a dark flair for the dramatic to boot.
The Count loathes the many evils present throughout the world, and loathes even more those who embody and/or perpetuate those evils to the detriment of humanity. The Count seeks to exterminate evil and it’s agents entirely, to wreak vengeance upon them on behalf of humanity for the many atrocities that plague the world and it’s innocent people. However, the stance The Count takes against those atrocities and the evils that fuel them does not make him a quote “good” person, as he sometimes becomes too zealous in pursuing their destruction, in which he occasionally commits the most extreme acts that no relatively “good" person would ever do. In particularly troublesome cases, The Count’s fervor for the vengeance he seeks will outright blind him to the truth of a matter, making his actions all the more deplorable.
The Count does not present or think of himself as a “good” person either, he thinks of himself as necessary evil or monster, as a destructive force of nature that can birth peace, justice, and tranquility from the ashes left in its wake– a necessary evil and destructive force that will one day have to be destroyed, too. That being said, despite some of his more negative actions and his personal views of himself, The Count’s heart is technically in the right place– he wants to see the good parts of humanity ultimately thrive and evildoers suffer for the trouble they have wrought on the world, he is just too bitter and violent for his own good.
The Count’s negative tendencies and/or qualities are not the whole of his being, though. For all of his moments of bitterness, and the violence he is oft prone too, The Count can be well-mannered, dutiful, charming and humorous (in his own way) depending on who he is interacting with, and beyond that, he does have a softer side locked deep inside him, a side that one can catch glimpses of if they somehow manage to grow close enough with him. Those who manage to bring this softer side of The Count out are undoubtedly important to him, even if he may claim otherwise at times, and for these individuals, he will cherish them deeply, and strive to safeguard them from harm.
PARAMETERS/SKILLS
STR: B
END: A+
AGI: C
MAG: B
NP: A
AVENGER: A
WISDOM OF PREDICAMENT: A
OBLIVION CORRECTION: B
SELF REPLENISHMENT: C
DETERMINATION OF STEEL: EX
GOLDEN RULE: A+
SKILLS (in depth)
Avenger: Avengers are fueled by murderous hatred and rage, and their Avenger skill measures their ability to accumulate hatred within others, hatred which they can then leech off of and use to empower themselves. In The Count’s case, at a ranking of A, he is extremely proficient in leeching off the hatred and grudges he detects within and/or elicits from his opponents souls, making it far easier for him to translate those negative emotions into power, in the form of improved parameters.
The exact amount of power The Count can gain from this varies, but it generally translates out to a temporary ++ or +++ modifier to his STR, END, and Noble Phantasms (excluding Wait and Hope). This skill also allows The Count to receive a healthy boost to mana regeneration every time he takes damage, and at a ranking of A, this boost is usually astounding.
Oblivion/Memory Correction: a Class Skill of the Avenger class.It represents the Avenger in question’s tenacity for holding grudges, and remembering the wrongs done to them, or others. The higher one’s ranking in this skill, the more critical damage they deal in battle. At A ranking, The Count deals great critical damage.
Self Replenishment - Mana: The final class skill for those of the Avenger class, it allows an Avenger to constantly generate magical energy until their hatred and vengeance is, in their minds, accomplished. The amount generated is usually minuscule, but at The Count’s ranking of C, this magical energy is enough to allow The Count to stay materialized without a master, and when balanced with a healthy helping of human souls, The Count could theoretically operate in a Holy Grail war on their own. With a master behind them, though, this extra magical energy still comes in handy.
Determination of Steel: A personal skill of The Count’s, it is the dynamism and mind of steel of the man who walked on the path of revenge throughout his entire life after breaking out of the Château d’If prison, which was even called the Hell on this Earth. This skill results in The Count being able to block out all instances of pain, allowing him to fight on unperturbed by grievous wounds and damage in general. It is, however, also a representation of his mental fortitude as well, possessing determination of unbreakable steel– as in, when The Count sets his sights on a goal, nothing, and no one, will dissuade him from pursuing it.
Even if the odds are against him 100 to 1, The Count will not be deterred. This skill does not guarantee The Count will succeed in the goals they pursue, but it greatly increases their chances of doing so (especially when his Wisdom of Predicaments skill bestows him with generous luck), and always leaves open the possibility of him succeeding no matter what the situation– which means that at times, he can defy destiny and fate themselves, just as he had in his story.
Golden Rule: A personal skill, this is the representation of the wealth The Count possessed in life. The Count’s wealth was said to have been “beyond imagining”, and indeed, just as Abbe Faria had told him, money never became a consequence for The Count after they received the Treasure’s they did on the Island of Monte Cristo. As a servant, The Count has access to this wealth, which can be a great boon to his master.
Wisdom of Predicaments: The last personal skill of The Count’s, it allows The Count to “ call upon Luck with a precedence in critical situations”. It is the wisdom brought about by the abundant knowledge he received from Abbe Faria and his own natural intelligence. This skill, as you can imagine, comes in handy, seeing as The Count possesses no Luck parameter, though it goes beyond just helping The Count out in tight situations– thanks to the special combination of this skill and his Avenger class, this skill also allows The Count to use the Item Creation skill at (which is usually only reserved to the Caster Class) at Rank B.
The only caveat is that the Luck bestowed upon The Count from this skill can vary– usually he will pull the effects of Luck that are equivalent to a B ranking, and on very, very rare occasions, A+ ranking.
NOBLE PHANTASMS
Monte Cristo Mythologie | Anti-Unit ( C )
This is The Count of Monte Cristo’s way of life– acting as the incarnation of revenge– which has been sublimated into a Noble Phantasm through his manifestation as an Avenger. As he did not fit under any other sort of class, his body that manifested as Avenger was converted into a Noble Phantasm.
It allows Avenger a number of effects– immunity to poisons and mental interference, resistance to magical attacks, the ability to conceal and/or falsify his class and parameters in the eyes of others, the unleashing of pent up hatred and grudges in the minds and souls of his opponents upon speaking the noble phantasms true name– but the most notable ability it grants him are the flames of hatred.
By projecting his hatred into magical power, Avenger can generate a poisonous black flame that he can use to harm his foes, and protect himself. Whether it is launched at enemies from a distance or delivered to them in melee, this flame damages Avenger’s opponents directly, ignoring armours, magical resistances, and even magical barriers, shattering them with ease.
It is even possible for those subjected to this black flame to have their very souls burned away, even if they are immortal beings, as was the case with Michael Roa Valdamjong.
This Noble Phantasm is related to the Treasure of Monte Cristo, which housed fourteen artifacts, one of which was a Treasure of Darkness, a treasure that held the power to remake a person. This ’Treasure of Darkness’ was a legend (Divine Construct) hidden in the mountain of Christ that represented the despair of those without God, the flames of hell, and the void. It bestowed a power equal to that from the Age of Gods that forced a special Magic Circuit and Magic Crest into the user, forever joining the two, until death.
Attendre, Espérer: Wait, and Hope | Anti-Unit (B)
An unbelievable recovery Noble Phantasm that is capable of bringing Avenger or an ally back from the clutches of death (completely healing them), while also conferring it’s targets with a temporary boost to their parameters, skills, and noble phantasms. The boost itself gives its targets respective skills, parameters, and noble phantasms an increase of one rank, which lasts for roughly one hour.
It is the ray of brilliant, shining hope amid the darkness of one who has fallen into tragedy, despair, and regret, being activated when Avenger speaks the words: “Wait, and Hope.”
Enfer Château d'If (Hell Château d'If):
Tyger, Burning Bright | Anti-Army/Anti-Unit (A)
The steeled, unworldly mental power of Edmond Dantès, cultivated while imprisoned within the Château d'If, sublimated into a Noble Phantasm. With this noble phantasm, The Count is able to perform super high speed thinking, which he can also reflect upon his body, allowing him to achieve feats of agility/speed that are immense even by servant standards– this however, is only a passive effect of the noble phantasm.
When the words, “I don’t need any mercy– My path goes beyond love and hate! Enfer Château d'If! are chanted, this noble phantasm’s true potential is activated, making The Count’s movements become so fast that he is able to escape from the prisons of time and space themselves– though any prison, abstract or not, would likely be unable to hold him.
While acting outside of time and space, time appears to effectively freeze for anyone but The Count, and as he moves at incomprehensible speeds, many “afterimages” of The Count will appear, those of which can and will harm his targets as they attack along with him simultaneously. After The Count’s (and his afterimages) initial black-flame laden strikes are dealt, he will levitate into the air and unleash a mighty blast of black flames upon his targets– the blast would do great damage on its own, but with all of The Count’s afterimages copying this attack, the combined blast is immense, and will likely kill anything it hits (if said targets weren't already wiped out by The Count’s initial attacks).
After The Count’s final blast hits his target(s), the speed of his actions return to their usual levels, and for everyone else, time ‘resumes’– though his targets likely drop dead at this point, if they weren't already reduced to ashes. Even if a target somehow isn’t outright killed by The Count’s time-bending, black flame ridden onslaught, their bodies will most likely suffer grave damage, and if they are a servant, it’s highly unlikely that their spirit core isn’t irreparably damaged in some way.
All noble-phantasms can be thought of as ‘trump cards’ in some sense, but Enfer Chateau d'If is truly an embodiment of such a thing, with their being few who can withstand it.
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