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cupidlakes · 3 years

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in response to your “anyone wanna discuss why he called it dreams hoodie” you can tell me if I’m reaching, but he pauses between saying “dreams” and “hoodie” and it lowkey looked/sounded like he almost made a C sound after “Dreams”? so my theory is he was going to say Dreams cologne, realized that was probably saying a bit too much, and corrected it to Dreams hoodie. but that’s just what i think, I’m unsure if other people also think there was a weird stop between “Dreams” and “hoodie” or if im just brainrotting and looking too much into it. (it is plausible he knows what cologne Dream uses bc of the “Patches what does Dream smell like” tweet, bc Dream could have told him after!)

i feel like that’s looking too much into it i’m rewatching the clip and i definitely don’t hear him say anything like that, there’s a pause sure but thats normal i think :) not to bash what you’re saying! but sometimes i feel like we tend to look a little too much into things and i personally still wanna be fairly levelheaded about this stuff

however, i am thinking about his actual behaviour in the stream especially the beginning and his reaction to the chat because i don’t think there’s any logical explanation for george being so distracted by everyone picking up on the fact he’s wearing the hoodie and him displaying all these nervous tells (hands on cheeks, giggling outbursts, arms inside and kept to himself, rocking back and forth, blushing and smiling a lot/holding back smiles all in the span of less than a minute or so) because of it

him not being able to contain himself at all and seeming so affected is what was so...eye opening to me

it’s like you’d think he’s actually doing something bad? or spicy?? (for lack of a better word) to where he it would make sense he’d be that hyper-aware

when it literally is just an oversized hoodie that he could’ve bought 1) because he’s been wanting one for himself for a while now, 2) he’d be supporting his best friend in it at the same time and also 3) he just likes oversized clothing?

so nothing objectively weird shippy or suggestive at all?

of course the fans were always gonna get all “omg!! dreams hoodie” over it but it’s really nothing unexpected or anything that george wouldn’t be used to

and again! it’s a totally justifiable thing for him to buy and wear

which is what makes his reaction so interesting and almost barely understandable to me

“okay...i’m getting distracted, i’m getting distracted”

...unless there’s more to it

(ao3 much btw? /lh)

this might be just me but i have a feeling this hoodie and the imagined ‘implications’ of it (borrowed boyfriend hoodie) were already on his mind a lot to where he got genuinely flustered and caught off guard over it being brought up live

not to mention that time dream brought up his joke plan (that he never followed through with) in the trident stream and with it now being two for two it’s starting to seem like something he unironically thinks about

some food for thought too, would george react the same if he was wearing literally anyone else’s merch on stream? would he be that giggly and distracted, eyes trained on chat the whole time?

and this is reachy for sure i know there could be a million reasons he initially didn’t want the pictures out there but it’s still worth noting, do you think with the idea that george thinks something of this hoodie something more intimate and personal, that thats why he might’ve been embarassed about dream posting the pictures?

i’ll also just link my post here about george calling it dreams hoodie when he talks about spraying it with cologne i don’t think i have anything else to say about that generally

i think the actual act of him spraying cologne on it could more have to do with him just wanting to feel nice in it and might be an act of him taking care of his stuff (initially mentioned by cts4shimi and i totally agree seeing it platonically like that) maybe even taking care of something he has a new attachment to which is again totally understandable and sweet but i understand everyone going crazy over the idea of him wanting it to smell like a certain someone even though that would be PEAK fanfiction behaviour (and i say this lightheartedly)

lastly i need to end this saying it’s totally possible george was just in a particularly easily embarassment/flustered mood i’m just saying it’s behaviour we haven’t seen from him in a while and even as a george liker (tm) yesterdays moments and his overall demeanour was just especially notable to me that’s all

he seems really happy rn both generally and (from what we’ve seen) with his relationship with dream and at the end of the day that’s all that matters :) i’m genuinely glad he’s been so comfortable lately with the joke flirting and being so open and just himself with us i truly truly am and i love to see it

#asks #long post #(very long post)#dnf #for blacklist because as usual if ppl don’t wanna see this stuff that’s A ok #and i usually refrain from analysis type stuff on /my/ behalf bc it feels invasive #but i’m just taking note of what happened because it felt so...different to me #dreamnotfound #also i’m avoiding main tags just incasee again ppl might not wanna see this #even though i tried to be as respectful as possible #i was debating posting this because i know ppl from twitter lurk and i don’t want this to get posted #with ppl being like this you?#‘ppl are so invasive’ etc #i promise the only reason this got so long is because i’m just like that #and i cannot condense my thoughts at all #generally i think it’s sweet? touching? george had such a genuine reaction to something chat was harping on about

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justafairytailofinnocence · 2 years

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Can i have a marvel matchup plz with a oneshot (yes i saw nwh yes it reignited my love for marvel and yes I’m very much want to be matched with peter but want you to be completely honest in who you match me with (i can always request a peter imagine later) and no idk why i said all this i just thought it’d be funny…..so anyway)

Gender: cis female

Age: 17 (18 on the 23rd)

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Mbti: infj

Zodiac: Capricorn

Height: 5’2.6

Blood type: O+

Hair: black curly/wavy

Eye color: brown (almost black)

Ethnicity: African American

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful likes helping other protective people pleaser fearful shy introvert curious nervous nerdy low self esteem imposter syndrome insecure awkward

Likes: animals books fantasy magic reading writing video games listening to music anime cartoons movies learning personality quizzes bread and sweets friends

Dislikes: spiders (im sorry peter they’re scary dw you’re an exception) loud sounds toxic mean jerky people my emotions (sometimes) my siblings not listening to me people i care about not taking care of themselves trypophobia (fear of holes) math (math anxiety) tests (test anxiety) and im a picky eater so lots of foods and textures

Love language:

Giving: acts of service gift giving and physical affection if close enough

Receiving: words of affirmation and physical affection if close enough

What i don’t want: just don’t be a jerk and we’re good (although i liker nerdy smart nice guys if i didn’t make that obvious lol)

What i don’t want: a toxic jerk

Oneshot scenario i would like: just taking care of me 👉🏾👈🏾🥺

Ok thank you

Hello dear 💖 im glad you've gotten back into marvel.

And so without further ado I ship you with:

Peter parker a.k.a spiderman🕸️

- he met you through his school, he would study everyday but ends up trying to follow you around. He is shy around girls he likes often either showing off as Spiderman but as himself he just is very shy.

- you were a beauty to him your stunning looks and attitude is what attracted him. You were on the cheerleading team as the leader. Yes in this universe your a cheerleader whether you like it or not.

- you are incredibly shy however and nerdy. Your friends supported you but you weren't one for the crowd only wanting to read and do fanfiction quizzes.

- you often wear headphones and one day you bumped into Peter when he nervously apologies and you say no problem. The two of you are quite awrkward since both share attraction.

- you have a fear of spiders of course but that didn't stop Peter from coming into your house one night.

- you didn't know he was Spiderman so in your dreamy state you feel his mask and realise it was Peter.

- you have the most prettiest eyes in the world and he would happily stare in them all day.

- video gaming to him would be a dream a girl gamer is one of his top tier dream dates.

- overall you two would eventually work for Sheild you as a agent and him as Spiderman. You turn out to have powers, your ability is to shapeshift. You married in a chapel and have a kid who's got your hair and Peter's eyes. They become the next spider man.

And of course the one shot.

Peter parker X reader💖

A comfort from a spider🕸️

Y/n was reading her book in her room, it was late and she was just finished having a shower. Y/n was reading on her bed quietly dreaming of Peter parker, he was her crush.

The two had met through high school and began dating. Peter had never met someone so beautiful in his life and he didn't regret it. y/n was in love with both Peter and spiderman she knew she was utterly devoted to him.

Suddenly you heard a faint "tap" from your window, afraid you open it to see who it was. You jump in surprise "gah Peter what are you doing".

"oh uh sorry y/n just wanted to check in, see how ya doing" he acted awrkward. "Sorry I scared ya, I forgot you have a thing against spiders" he chuckles.

"or it's the fact a boys at my window" you raise an eyebrow. "Oh yeah anyways I brought you something" he holds up a box of pizza. "Oh you didn't have to-" before he cuts you off "no it's my treat I was going to ask if you wanted to share this with me" he smiles shyly.

Y/n smiled warmly at her boyfriends gesture "alright fine but keep your voice down low my parents are sleeping". Peter nods and slings himself inside.

Slowly you and Peter sit on your bed trying not to make a sound. "Sweet room by the way cleaner then mine" he smiles "aunt may always tries to make me clean".

"oh is that so~ well you do have a messy room" you teased lightly. "Aw come on man" he whined laughing.

He couldn't help but stare into your eyes as you are pizza. "Hey y/n, I'm glad to have met you and if you need anything I'm here for ya" he smiles warmly.

"oh Peter" you couldn't help but smooch his lips. Peter does the same and smiles at your cuteness.

The end of the night was brisk he swung out of your room. He had that same dorky smile as he left.

You were in love who knew spiders could be such a comfort.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta 💫

#marvel matchup #marvel matchups open

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nervouscoffeeheart · 3 years

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I apologize again for late posting... Here's the last part. Please Enjoy~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone: .....

Omi: dinner's ready.

Sakyo: She's still in her room?

Kazunari: I feel so bad... And scared...

Banri: Even it's not that scary when Sakyo's angry...

Tsuzuru: I agree.... But I wonder what's she's doing?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[flashback]

Izumi: ....

Izumi: I'm going back to my room.

*dam*

Everyone: .....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tenma: I hope she not angry....

Yuki: Well, anything can happen....

Homare: Should we surprise her with a gift or something?

Tasuku: I don't think that'll work...

Masumi: .....im going to ask her

Tsuzuru: It's no use! Stay there, Masumi.

Hisoka: ....it'll be for good.

Masumi: ....

Tsumugi: Hmm... Well, I hope that this dinner will make her happy...!

Taichi: Mhm. We hope so...

Azuma: Maybe we should call her?

Tenma: I guess yeah because the dinner will be cold then...

Sakuya: So, who's going?

Everyone: .......

Masumi: i-

Kazunari: Please, Masu.

Homare: Maybe all the troupe leader's should go?

Banri: Eh?!?

Tsumugi: Umm....

Tenma: Aah...

Sakuya: .....its alright. We'll go. Come on now guys.

Banri: Wait.... Really??

Tsumugi: To be honest.... I guess it's fine.

Yuki: Don't tell me that both Hack and Neo Gangster are scared

Tenma: Oh really?! Then why don't yo-

Yuki: you're the leader.

Tenma: ....Okay.

Banri: Sigh.... Guess I've got no choice.

Manager: Huh? Oh WOW THIS ALL LOOKS SO TASTY!

Sakuya: Oh welcome back, manager.

Manager: Hm? If you guys worried about Director she said she was going to take shower. I guess she's not hungry...

Everyone: ....

Kamekichi: Why don't y'all stop and wait till tomorrow?

Sakuya: But....

Everyone: .....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{izumi's room}

Izumi: I guess I was a bit too hard on them...

Izumi: (Hmmm I'm hungry....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Izumi: huh? Someone's snoring...?

Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter troupe: (Sleeping in lounge. Some of them are down and some of them are sleeping on couch and dinner table.)

Izumi: .....

Izumi: ....they even left dinner for me...!

Izumi: ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sakuya: *Yawn* Huh? B-Blanket?

Muku: *Gasp* FAIRIES!

Kumon: Haha I don't think so, Mu-chan!

Itaru: wait... This is my blanket!

Misumi: I have mine one me...!

Sakyo: Me too

Hisoka: Same.

Taichi: What does this mean?

Tenma: ....is there's really a...

Yuki: Stupid hack, are you saying that a Ghost did this?

Tenma: N-No...! Of course not!

Juza: Then... How?

Guy: did someone woke up?

Citron: I don't know...

Chikage: I feel footsteps a little though...

Azami: oh yeah me too

Omi: it also felt like the fridge was open...

Azuma: Hmm then it means...

Izumi: Good Morning, Everyone!

Everyone: huh?

Izumi: First off, I'm sorry for yest-

Sakuya: You did nothing wrong!

Tenma: Yes it's not you're fault!

Banri: We're the one who did wrong...

Tsumugi: We deeply apologize.

Izumi: Listen! Look, I'm sorry for being strict and angry yesterday. What I want to listen from you guys is.... You guys won't do that again right?

Everyone: Yes, Ma'am! We won't do that again!

Izumi: ....haha....i hope so.... Ahem I mean! I'm glad that you guys understood!

Izumi: And of course I have forgiven you all!

Everyone: Yay!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(If there's anything wrong, mistake, error or something that doesn't make any sense.... I deeply apologize for that.)

Thank you so much for reading this video Everyone! I'm so glad that you guys liked my posts and I'm deeply thankful to all my post likers and followers! Arigatō! And I again apologize for posting late... Thank you!

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chaoticspacefam · 3 years

Text

2020 In Review: Wordcount Tag

I was tagged for this by @actualanxiousswampwitch , thank you! I’m not sure who’s already done or been tagged for this cause I am, once again, late to the party LOL but I shall (no pressure and sorry if you’ve already done it!) tag: @rainofaugustsith , @darth-bagel , @thatmmolesbian , @thelastenvoyyy and anybody else who wants to do this. Yes, I promise I mean you!

Words: 45,314

Published: 0 (I’m not counting the couple of Six Sentence tags I’ve gotten, they’re snippets of an unfinished piece & are included below instead :), or roleplay replies, cause that feels like cheating lol.) I actually wrote a lot more than I thought I had, this is a rough guesstimate as well, as my oneshot WIPs tend to be all over the place across something like 6 different documents, some of which have existed since 2018, so I had to guess at how far up to count from the end for some of them, but I think it’s a fair guesstimate XD I also have included lore/worldbuilding docs in this because that was a 3-month long Lockdown 1.0 Boredom/”Canon is a trash fire so I’m ignoring that and making up my own lore” passion project and I’m goddamn proud of how much I wrote for that. It’s the most I’ve written in one stretch (think I finished it over a span of 3 nights or so, once I’d done all the research and made all the notes ofc ^^)

Not Published: 45,314

The Breakdown:

swtor - 45,314

for creeping shadows (my main longfic/part one of the subterfugeverse series) - 1,553 - Aria, stop being difficult! *shakes fists* XD

oneshots - 16,223

lore/worldbuilding (for subterfugeverse naturally) - 23,001 (is this ALL tomato alien lore? pretty much, yes, yes it is :’D ~400 words is “the WIP reworked timeline to correlate my worldbuilding with the canon timeline that was released”, but 98% is just...me thinking way too much about Purebloods and how they deserved way better goddamn lore. I blame @fluffynexu ‘s amazing tomato worldbuilding posts, reading them when I went looking for “canon” lore one day for the rp is what got me started down that rabbithole (it’s awesome and if you haven’t already you should totally go check hers out too :DD), I had a “fuck you then canon I’ll do it myself too >:L” moment and once I started I couldn’t stop until I’d crapped out literally over 20k words on the subject *whispering* thank you LOL)

zephyrverse au bonus oneshots - 4,537 (stuff I wrote to fill in time gaps or “just cause I had a plot bunny”, relating to mine and k-christine’s zephyrverse au rp. None of these will likely be posted publicly, but they still deserve to be counted as words I wrote this year :’D

As you can see, most of my “muse” this year came from sporadic oneshots :’D The Ahaszaai twins also properly plot-bunnied their way into my brain in late 2019 and haven’t stopped making a nuisance of themselves the whole fucking year. Every time I tried to carry on with a chapter, one of the two of them would pop up like “Nooo write about ME! pay attention to ME!” - Yes, Ni’kasi, I will get to you this year, I promise XD

New Things I Tried:

Just Writing. Not worrying about whether “it wasn’t part of the next chapter” or “it comes from a part in the story that I’m nowhere near close to posting yet”. If I felt like writing something, or for a specific pairing/feeling/scene, whatever. I wrote until I ran outta muse juice. Yeah, it meant I didn’t technically “finish” anything this year BUT - the important thing is I wrote stuff. and that’s all that really matters, eh? :’D

Polyam ships! May not seem like a big deal but I spent a long time talking myself out of them because of internalised toxic monogamy and finally saying “you know what, fuck it! I can ship three or more people together and it can still be a perfectly wholesome, healthy and loving relationship and that’s okay” was a BIG thing for me this year.

Dialogue Scripts: which I didn’t count as wordcount because really it’s just word vomit of general tone/inflection and dialogue that I came up with right before falling asleep which I didn’t want to lose. Basically, if an exchange or a particularly punchy or moving line of dialogue popped into my brain but I wasn’t ready to write the whole scene that it fit into out, but didn’t want to forget the line(s). I wrote it out in movie script/script-style roleplay fashion e.g. Character’s Name: (emotion, hand gestures etc.) [Dialogue here] and so on. I know this is probably a well known trick of the trade, but I never took it seriously until this year. Seriously, do it. It’s great.

Favorite Thing I Wrote:

Hmmm, a snippet for Andronikos/Ni’kasi that I started this week which isn’t posted yet (saving it for this week’s Six Sentence Sunday so look out for it! :D) was pretty fun to work on, I love their dynamic and Kas is suprisingly fun to write for.

Also the Aria/Vano proposal scene that I posted a snippet for the week before last. I’m having great fun with that scene, and I really enjoy putting a non-serious spin on the classic “proposal scene” tropes. Can’t wait to finish it, though it may be a while before the full one goes up on AO3, as it depends whether it ends up fitting in as part of the mainfic or as an additional oneshot

And I have a D’leah/Kissai oneshot that I need to give another once-over before I finally yeet it onto AO3 and Tumblr for you guys to see :’D

Favorite Fic I Read:

@sleepswithvillains Eleanora/Quinn fic, Helplessly Hoping. I’m horribly behind on chapters and I gotta catch up and read the finale this week, but it’s been a helluva great ride and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the story! <3

Also The Invitation collab with @tishinada featuring Zas and Fiona had me squealing, I can’t wait to catch up on HH and see more of these two, they’re adorable ;-; @a-muirehen ‘s Relu/Merkara series of course! I’m a complete sucker for (friends to lovers to in Ariano’s case but yea pfpfpf) enemies to lovers ships and these two are just so good, I am on the edge of my seat every time we get a new snippet for them, ngl (grimace emoji) @darth-bagel ‘s Sylvas/Graz’zt and Sylvas/Liz/Rilfaen snippets which they’ve been spoiling me with on Discord @mercurypilgrim ‘s Ven’fir/Quinn AU oneshots, Cloudbank (Western was a particular favourite, but all are very good!) and of course @rainofaugustsith ‘s Lana/Viri updates are always fantastic, some personal favourites from this year were Almost There & Memory of Healing :3 (I totally still go back to read Commander & Advisor too sometimes, getting to see Viri be a little diabolical and messing with “MiNiSTeR LoRMaN!” was and still is my favourite thing XD)

If I’ve left you out I’m sorry!! These were the ones that stuck out in my memory, but I’ve loved everyone’s writing this year, it’s been great :3

Writing Goals:

to actually finish and post chapter 8 & 9 of Creeping Shadows. Then we’ll get to the meat and potatoes of the story and maybe Aria will stop being a brat and fighting me every time I try to stick to a semi-regular update schedule Get off my butt, finalise the name and get started on Ni’kasi’s part of the Subterfugeverse story. Maybe run the updates in-tandem with Creeping Shadows but idk if I want to wait till after CS is done before I start posting Kas’s side, or do them side-by-side yet, we’ll see ;) Keep writing! I know better than to pressure myself by setting a specific word count goal, that’s never worked well in the past

At least 2 chapters of each of the works mentioned above would be great though, more would be better! We’ll see how I go

Words of Thanks:

honestly, to everybody in the fandom I’ve met this year. Anybody that I follow, thank you for being there and engaging with me and/or posting amazing content for me to look at! I came over from deviantART where the SWTOR fandom is incredibly small and generally quite inactive and the contrast since moving over here has been incredibly uplifting. I very nearly cancelled Creeping Shadows and stopped posting fic for my SWTORverse altogether because I got next to no engagement on dA and it was very disheartening to the point where I felt I could enjoy the game and the rp partners I had, but the solo projects I’d put so much thought, time and love into already weren’t worth continuing. You guys took that spark and kept it going and I really don’t have enough words to say how grateful I am for that. Even if I haven’t published much this year, making posts on this tumblr, interacting with everyone and working on lore, plot points and so on for Subterfugeverse has kept me going through the Hellish Year of Nightmares that was 2020 <3

to the amazing new friends I’ve made in this past year, who have listened to me ramble about headcanons, character backstories, writing snippets (and rambled/sent some back), keep being awesome: @walk-ng-d-saster , @darth-bagel , @kyber-heart , @deepseacritter , @thedinalixlegacy to further friends and meme tag buddies, I get so excited every time I see a mention for a new meme or ask game in my inbox, so thank you!! : @mimabeann , @palepinkycat , @a-master-procrastinator , @raven-of-domain-kwaad , @actualanxiousswampwitch , @thatmmolesbian , @a-muirehen to my regular commentors/rebloggers/likers/askbox lurkers, I see every one of you and every time your users pop up I grin like a kid in a toy shop: @starlightjedi , @sparkles-and-rust , @wilvarin-chan , @sunsetofdoom , @ask-an-andalite , @thelastenvoyyy . @lyrishadow and more because Tumblr only goes so far back and I have the memory of Swiss Cheese. If you regularly comment, like, reblog, or anything, from me, know that I see you, and I love and appreciate you for it! <3

I couldn’t possibly remember to tag everyone and I promise if I missed you out it’s not because I hate you! Anxiety just sometimes be a bitch and I don’t wanna look like a clown calling someone a “friend” if I’m not explicitly sure we are, in fact, friends. I think you’re all awesome and I’m so glad to have moved over here and met you all <3

#long post #wordcount year review tag #elven's writing: stats #repost bc i goofed some links woops sorry everyone #^^;#will i eventually post any of this stuff? yes!#i will. i just...don't know *when* the time will be right for most of it hahaha #the only bits i won't post are the zephyrverse-specific oneshots cause i just don't feel like i want to #but everything else will (eventually) in some capacity be thrown into the void for all of you to read #shameless friend appreciation post #shameless mutual and follower appreciation post #<3 #swtor sort of

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shidiand · 5 years

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How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

#tenco's story #freshlybakedspiderbread

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midgehog · 6 years

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❤️❤️❤️

HOO BOI I’M SO READY FOR THIS

I’m gonna do one mutual per heart so if anyone wants me to do more send me more hearts!!

First I’m gonna @ back @steven-g-rogers because she did this first. Not because I like her ofc. Anna is the single most opinionated person I have ever had the pleasure to speak to, like don’t even mention butter or your opinions on mcu characters or WHITE BREAD in her presence, you will not hear the end of it. But seriously, I respect her so much for her take-no-shit attitude and I aspire to be liker her one day ❤️

Next up is @darknebulastorm who like,, yeh. I’ve known her for over a year now but it feels way way longer than that. We just, agree about everything. It’s insane. Our conversations over facetime are the best, even though they AlwAys end up coming back to the topics of Sherlock s4, sexism or how shit the british education system is. We’re saltier than the black sea ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I am so excited to see her next week 💙

And last but not least is @dafuqisft who is such a cool person oh my god. I love getting my daily updates from the fictitious land of America. Oklahoma is unreal, and I’m so glad they decided it share it with me. Also I appreciate their pets so much; they’ve got practically a whole zoo in the middle of tornado land with all her dogs, cats and even a snake! It was amazing to see her kittens growing up and I wish her luck with moving into her new uni 🖤

Send me hearts and i’ll yell some positivity about my mutuals/people who follow me!!

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realrealguylin · 7 years

Text

2016 Reflections + 2017 Commitments

January

The month of doubt - where I discovered the depths of my fear of death

I got the IOE peer advisor job… which turned into nothing because no one ever came in

Started discipling Matt

Wow.. I fasted from social media and it was so fruitful. What happened to that? I think I’m going to try to stave off of social media again. If nothing else, it’s such a time sink, I could be doing so many other things

Now I remember - I basically knew every girl the guys in Radicle liked. That’s a level of trust that I can’t overlook when I have this position of LG leader

The start of the comparison game with peers. Looking back and even now, I can’t say I’m “cured” of this struggle, but I think it goes more than just straight comparison. The reason being that I compared for a goal: am I “good” enough? Am I doing a “good” job? There are no metrics to this following Jesus thing, and that is hard for someone like me. Also, besides that, there’s a misconception in my mind that I have to reach a certain level of spirituality or resume to earn a girl’s affections, especially if that girl seems “out of my league.” But then, what is the “league” in reference to anyways? Isn’t it insecurities that Satan places into our hearts?

Mere Christianity was a really good book… it strengthened my faith, exposed my pride and envy

Not sure if it was the start, but my affections for her started to rise and get more and more confused

God’s “fairness” - it’s up to Him, it’s not something I can control or should complain about

I did read over Mere Christianity and talked to Chris and looking back, I can’t say that the fear “disappeared” but it’s more like… what do you do in response to the fears? Just give up? Keep doubting? Stay awake all night? No you keep moving forward in the faith that God is trustworthy.

I mean, I think this comes from my upbringing of comparing during high school and I still need the Gospel truth to free me of this

February

Read Meaning of Marriage - really changed my perspective about marriage

The start of CSMP!

I remember now, the sermon about Doubting Thomas. It was a really good sermon that helped my doubts as well.

The start of having to prepare for people to leave - Peter and Terry

I was also frustrated at the lack of fruit from Radicle, so far. But now I see where some of these guys are at, and I think they’re different. Maybe not super different, but some of the dreams we had for people, is only now starting to come through. If that is the case for Radicle, how can that not be the case for Highlight?

I had a big argument this month. I do regret the form of communication, but I don’t regret the intention of it. I think we both made up, though, and they appreciate me for the confrontation.

March

Circumstantially, I wouldn’t say much happened during this month, but rather learning a few things here and there. Vocationally, I was trying to take steps to move forward. Dr Liker found an opportunity with Dunning Subaru and I definitely think that helped me get experience in preparation for a job in the future.

On a younger brother note, I do think Matt has grown up a little. It’s been a long time coming since Trademark; fruit comes in time.

I thought that living with Ben would allow me to learn more from him, but I barely see him, it’s hard to get that life-on-life mentoring from him. But this was also the start of getting discipled by Sam and I think that was pretty great.

I totally forgot we did men’s ministry in Radicle. I hope there is fruit from that specific time. I can’t say we have to right now from our current men’s groupme.

This month was the start of another round of struggling with titles in the church, this time with ET. I think the spark/catalyst was suspecting someone else was invited and I wasn’t. And then… it went back to the comparison game. Yea I definitely want to grow out of this.

I think a good part of this, though, was God was showing me that, ultimately, I want to be on the frontlines, in people’s lives.

April

Continued struggles with ET and dating and how they how twisted into a muddled jumble

I was able to reflect about how I’m just as weak as other people. Second semester was filled with more struggles than I thought, but even as 2016 ends, I think I grew a little bit out of these struggles. I don’t feel lonely as much anymore because I know people have my back, the doubts and fear are still there from time to time, but I’m responding better, I’m taking steps to not put myself in a position to compare to others, and I definitely feel like I know a little bit more about the direction of my life compared to April

The start of my relationship with Samee. Did not expect him to confess his sins to me so early, but I’m blessed

Now that I have a job, things with Mom have calmed down. But it definitely was rough throughout the year when it comes to talking about the future.

It’s not about “who is good” but “who is it good for”

Just reminded that God does not forget me, just as He does not forget sparrows. So what if I didn’t go through “interesting” things during April, the grass is always going to be greener no matter what happens

But I learned that she’s not necessarily like my grandma in that she’s going to be stubborn to her opinions. She’s going to present an opinion, because she’s my mom, and whether I listen or not is up to me - I’m an adult now, after all.

May

Started ramping up CSMP planning and it was great. It helped me cultivate my calling for church planting

Career wise, definitely did not want to help companies increase in their profit

Said good-bye to Peter. It was more emotional than I thought. Well I guess it’s not good-bye, but see you later

Probably one of the first times I had financial troubles, actually. I was too prideful to ask Mom, but eventually swallowed my pride and asked her

My conviction from Ignite was to actually stay right here in AA indefinitely, to take ownership of what I have right now, church plant my Lg right now, to learn these lessons now so that if I plant a church, I’ll be trained up. It might be Detroit

For CSMP, I saw how important and rewarding it was to be the hands and feet and try to service the needs of the community - that’s what the church is meant to do

CSMP, not even field work yet, was already a vision of what partnership for the Gospel could really look like and it was awesome

I think CSMP was the start of me trying to cultivate evangelistic and apostolic gifting

But my conviction, also, is that once we start the church plant, you have to stick around, but the church is an institution that God ordained for a reason

The ultimate reason for a church plant is to bring light to the darkness, there’s not enough churches in places that really need the Gospel

But I still need to grow in this

June

In response to my financial troubles, people gathered a love offering for, started by Robby. Wow, best prayer partner

This was the month Brandon came to know Christ

The beginning of the “what next, Lord?” This was a very fruitful time of my life

Got a GSI appointment

Invited to stewardship

Terry left

Another tough moment with Mom because she got eye surgery and it challenged my priorities especially as I was doing missions

Still need to grow in closeness to her, but I wonder if part of this isn’t the culture we’ve grown up in?

I saw the value of prayer walking

July

CSMP was a time of flourishing - when compared to other people who struggle bussed hard. I didn’t want it to end, but all seasons come to an end. And it’s ok, because I was able to take the things I learned into the next season of ministry

Again, still learning about cross-gender friendships

Actually, there was one fearful moment, when I got locked out and felt this overwhelming fear that I got locked out

Learning how to be in people’s corners

Ultimately, wanted to live out the life of Philip the evangelist

I learned that I was fearful of getting left behind, or that people’s care for me was only structural of “because they have to.” This was a lie and the Gospel is proof that Jesus didn’t have to do anything, but he chose to go out of his way to love me

August

The start of a new wardrobe, I can receive from younger brothers in this way

Forming convictions for the school year: presence, meeting the needs of the campus

Drove with Terry to Denver

It is hard to plant a church in a big city like New York compared to a college town like AA

I was convicted to count the cost of ministry - it’s really through my mom who has worked hard to financially support me throughout all this time all while paying off her mortgage. She’s the real MVP, part of me wishes I worked somewhere else where more family was, but I feel called here and I just have to be ok with that cost. The only way this is worth it is one day she accepts Christ, so I have to relentlessly pray for her.

September

The start of LG, thankful for the OCR partnership and small fruits like Catherine signing up

It’s funny and maybe a little weird, but I started relating more to army officers in the field. I enjoy leading the charge with people instead of playing the general, and I think upper levels of leadership become more like generals, and I don’t know if I like that or desire it

Frustrated at the way our upper levels of leadership does things, but glad things are now changing in weeks and months to come

Started serving for the stewardship team. Definitely still need a lot of grace for that

Had some anxiety with if I could graduate after finding out something came up with my credits, but by the grace of God I graduated

Some seeds planted for growing my gifting of teaching

October

Retreat was ok, I’m wondering if I heard God correctly during that time

Started doing this thing where I reflect everyday before my devotions and, usually, it’s really refreshing and needed to know where I’m at with God

Having to continually fight this lie about not being good enough for people’s approval

Jer 12 was a convicting passage

From then on, just had to persevere

It’s a promise, I believe, that God has bigger plans in store for me and to just persevere through this season(s) of waiting on many things

November

Thankful for opportunities in class to teach

Missions Week was personally great for me. It inspired me to live a life for the Gospel, even if it has to be in a big city. Really encouraged by Doc Fuder’s life and just learning from him

Started the job application process thanks to Jonah, but it’s just more waiting

Had to navigate election results for both myself and other people in our church. We have to be a voice to the voiceless because in the next 4 years, there’s going to be a lotttt of hardship for a lot of people out there who don’t get a chance to be a voice

Had some relational conflict throughout this month which was discouraging but it got resolved and I learned from it, so praise God.

Was convicted by 1 Peter 1 to step up in my servanthood and responsibilities in the church - although I don’t want more titles and responsibilities per se, I think God is calling me to do bigger things than just my own tiny ministry, just as the prophets of old were called to more than their own sphere of influence. I’m going from captain to general whether I prefer to or not.

Need to read the book he wrote about Neighborhood Mapping

December

Got the job the Jonah referred me to! It was definitely a slow interview process, but I’m thankful for the connection and God’s provision - He always comes through

There’s going to be a lot of changes starting in January and rolling on throughout the rest of 2017 - personally, in our church, and even in our country.

One of those changes is graduating. Thankful for the past 1.5 years of grad school, I learned a lot about engineering and culture and people and want to continue in developing my vocation. No more studying!

There was a string of days of emotional struggle - realizing how not surrendered I am to the future and also just my identity in Christ

Even as I take on my church responsibility, I was encouraged by the gospel - 5 years ago, I would not have imagined myself in the position that I am in now, but by God’s grace I am who I am and God’s plan is always the best plan

2017 Thoughts

The most important decision I need to make this year… I suppose it’s the one about church planting. When will God call me to a church plant?

The habit I’d like to most establish this year is fitness. As I’m transition into working life, I think having more energy throughout the day is important. Plus every year I’m getting older, health is always important.

My most important financial goal is to be debt free. I think just through working I should be free of student loans this year. After that, I’d like to pay Mom’s bills, too.

One way I can be a blessing to my pastor is just ask how he’s doing. Many people don’t do that for their pastors anymore, and it’s sad.

There are multiple books in the docket right now I want to read: Neighborhood Mapping, Reason for God, and at least one book on social justice

The one thing I regret from last year… living in fear of different things. What will I do about it? Follow God, and do the right thing even in the midst of it.

This year, I’m definitely going to try to do more evangelism and outreach to the broken and needy in AA. I think this is what the church is meant to do, and I want to get my feet wet.

If those who knew me best gave me advice, I think they would say… don’t be discouraged or feel lonely, those aren’t true. I think they would be right, too. What will I do about this? Well it’s hard to control my feelings in the moment, but I’d say battle it with the truth so that it won’t take over my ministry.

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