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arosejoy · 2 years

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On the left is the first Photobooth taken with my new computer. The right is the current me, ten years later. It has been a few years since I have really documented on this online, public journal. A few posts here and there, however not free writing that comes from the heart and flow.

What is the current surroundings? I'm in Saint Paul, in the historic Cathedral Hill, in which I also work as a massage therapist and one shift per week at the neighborhood institution of Nina's Coffee, where I learned to be a barista. I switched careers and studied full time for a year, learning the body and power of touch, techniques, and a piqued curiosity of the interaction of the body, mind, and spirit.

I discovered a deep love of massage therapy, learning the researched benefits as well as personal experience. I now receive massage once per month, scheduling it ahead of time to allow to make room for it, and to look forward to it. I have a few different practitioners I see who specialize in Thai techniques, deep tissue. I choose to return to those who create and hold space in the room for a sense of therapeutic work. We are working together to nourish my body.

The body. Such a charged topic. The amount of trust that is there when a client lays on the table. I am proud to document that I have had a fully booked schedule with a regular set of clientele for over six months now. I specialize in therapeutic, deep tissue massages that include a deep sense of relaxation throughout the body. The manipulation itself is important, as is bringing the body into a state dominated by the parasympathetic nervous system, rest or digest I learned to call it, in which the muscles and mind can relax.

We live in a busy world, being pulled in many opposing directions. It is important to create a nurturing space in which we can lie back, let go, and let someone else take care of us. This is how I start my sessions, with a short, guided relaxation to bring us both to center breath. It is a meditation for me as much as it can be for you, as well. I use my sensitive senses (yes! I've found a great use for them!) and get into a flow as I work the tissues, reminding them what it feels like to settle down and loosen up. This is the feeling of release and letting go. I ease into deeper pressure, the tissues truly let me in versus a forced manner, and we can deeper in a more relaxed way.

Practicing for a year now, I am two classes away from obtaining an Associate of Applied Sciences in Clinical Massage Therapy from Saint Paul College. Adding it to my list of education and training, my background provides for me a rounded and holistic approach to work and life. I live so much slowly now than in my 20's, being 35 currently. Of course, the pandemic has helped slow my life down, but I was heading in this direction beforehand.

Oh, the pandemic. Yes, it is the time of Covid. To the future self who reads this down the road, what do you think of Covid now? What are the after effects? What remains and what has been forgotten?

I am currently quarantined and waiting on the results of a test. I have been mindful of any arising symptoms, on the obsessive end really, as I care about transmitting this virus to my clients and those I come in contact with. Also, the quarantining had me quite worried before, as social connection is one of my greatest supports. However now, as I am more settled, I am not worried if I have to be alone for some time. I have learned ways to connect with the computer. It has surprised me at how I can really feel another through the screen at times.

The start of Covid I was living in a residential eating disorder facility, the Anna Westin House, in the Como neighborhood of Saint Paul. I was close to home, in comparison to meeting many who had traveled far to receive this specialized help during a time of crisis. Yes, crisis. I've had many of these in my adult life. It was nothing new. I had however gotten to such a rock bottom, low, and fearful point in which my body was shutting down, that I knew I needed something big.

To leave massage school and my job, my home, and my family and friends to live with 20 other people who were also currently in crisis is something unlike anything I've experienced. There were times in treatment I felt high, as if this was exactly what I needed and my spirit was returning, while other moments were in panic and elopement for I found a few places nearby in which I felt safe. Stories for days, and a few deep connections that are still fostered today.

I sought treatment with the Emily Program for a year and a half. I followed their suggestions, for the most part, for a program to work. There were benefits and faults, however overall I feel it is something that served my well-being and was necessary in my recovery. When I started their, I had been hardly eating more than handfuls of nuts and a smoothie for the prior month. When I left, I had been eating three meals and three snacks for two long months.

I lived with my parents for three months, as there was a mice problem at my apartment and I needed extra support to continue with my recovery. I was quite strong, anxious, scared, hopeful, and realizing my life was really on a better path. Finding a new studio to rent, I moved into Cathedral Hill. I returned to school, graduated and started working while the pandemic raged on.

During this time as I was finding my feet, I continued to follow a meal plan from the Emily Program. It was very challenging, a lot of food frequently throughout the day, and for the first time in years, I started to consume a lot of processed food and sugar and flour. I put on a large amount of weight, completely changing the shape and size of my body. I was not binging or overeating, and I didn't feel good about how I looked or felt. Part of this was all these new foods entering my system. Looking back I see how much toxic food I was consuming and the distress it caused was legitimate.

Six months ago I started a program called Bright Line Eating that has a special program within it for those with a history of an eating disorder. It is lead by Dr. Joy Jacobs, an eating disorder specialist, and has greatly impacted my life. There are four bright lines: no sugar, no flour, measured quantities, and 3 meals a day are the general guidelines, although each plan is tweaked per individual. Often, eating disorders do well with more meals, so some people do up to 5 per day.

I have slowly and safely released some weight, however the benefits of the program are so much more than that. In fact, the focus of my program is to create structure and support around my food. I don't feel good when I consume sugar and flour, in large quantities, and I have trouble navigating having just a little. It is easier for me to just create that line of abstinence. This includes alcohol.

I have historically not been a large consumer of alcohol, however had periods in life as many of us had where I feel like I over indulged. In most of my adult life, however, I had the occasional glass a few times per month. I have researched by exploring having a little while working the BLE program, and it turns out most of the time I'd rather just not have any. I don't feel the best, and from a small amount can feel its effects. This may change as well in the future; these things tend to ebb and flow for me.

One large event in my life occurred this past December. I layed my dear companion dog of over 15 years to rest. Roosevelt, my dear partner, who has seen literally everything with me. He was there during the worst of my years, and I am glad he saw me thrive as he neared the end. He had a high quality of life until the end, and was loved by so many. He feels very close within my heart, and I imagine him running around outside with all his dog friends that have passed as well. It seems that a lot of those close to me have recently experienced these large losses; there is a beauty in connecting with each other. Our loved companions live on.

I miss Roo every day, and am shocked at how well I am handling the grief. I thought I would need to pack up and take a month at the cabin. Although it was especially hard at first, I do know grief and the process of it so well, that I took it moment and day by day and here I am, still doing well even without Roo. For so long I never thought that to be possible, but a few good therapy sessions and much contemplation, pre-grieving, and gratitude have helped me heal. The loss will always be there, alongside the joy. This is love at its deepest.

With this, I will continue with my day. To ease in feeling well again, it includes the sauna, a hot bath with epson salt and bubbles, super power tea I brew up and medicinal mushrooms and supplements. Easy foods are my go-to, and I will throw in some creative time as well. I have been painting little birds lately, and have quite enjoyed it.

<3 Stephanie

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