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violentviolette · 1 year

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to add another fandom question to the list I forgot to add: what are your thoughts on endeavor and his development? if you were a todoroki yourself, how would you feel about his development as his child? you can answer this from the hypothetical perspective of being a todoroki, as a fandom question alone or both. he is honestly such a complex and real character, there's really no wrong feeling toward his character. the todorokis in general are so interesting because on either side of the spectrum (one being dabi, the other being endeavor) their entire dynamic/development is practically what trauma survivours deal with in terms of recovery etc, especially cluster bs. you have that era where you're so mad at everything and everyone, especially the people who hurt you, and so you want them dead and maybe you even work toward that reality. but then you grow and realise this harboured hatred for everything living is stopping you from ever obtaining peace or happiness in regards to anything. and you realise your unintentional abuse toward people around you, that is a result of being abused yourself growing up, are hurting those people and pushing them away from you (when the most you want is for them to be close; or to not repeat the history of your abusers—regardless of what personal philosophy or desire you were unknowingly straying away from, the reality is that you'd benefit more by recovering from the abusive coping mechanisms you've picked up for survival). so you've got dabi who's still in this mindset of setting everything around him on fire, for relevant reasons and some not. then you've got endeavor who *was* setting everything around him on fire with his blind obsession toward number one, who then realised this isn't benefitting him, his family or upholding any worthiness of being the number one at all (which is what he was doing all of this for to begin with); thus he puts effort into changing for the better. ah truly thinking about the absolute parallels in their characters puts a lot into perspective. dabi never getting the father that tried until it was too late, only fueled him with more hatred, not only toward his father but the rest of his family—namely shoto. (I might be getting some things wrong since I didn't quite reach the point in the story where dabi and endeavor verse one another and whatnot, so hopefully this is still cohesive). and of what you've shared in regards to your journey with recovery, you're like the epitome of the dabi/endeavor spectrum, so I'd love to hear your pov of their relationship and individual characters !

another read more because once again i have written like 3k words ajksdhklasdjkhaljksdhjkasdh

so ur absolutely spot on about dabi and the todoroki's being my favs. i actually kin dabi harder than i kin bakugou. like bakugou very much feels like im looking at a mirror image of myself, particularly my younger self, but like. dabi is just straight up me. it is a 1 to 1 parallel we have lived the exact same lives. i just *am* him but i agree with absolutely all of that anon and ur SO spot on and correct. like thats literally it and it makes me foam at the mouth because of how exactly right and realistic it is and how human and familiar it all feels. i think the todoroki family are honestly the standout plot of that manga and the core of this entire story can be explored thru them all of his relationships with his kids really give u the full spectrum and their reactions and relationship to him are all so realistic to what its like to live in that kind of abusive family dynamic. everyone is going to have a different postion, differnt access to power, different subjugation and punishment, different standards and consiquences, all revolving around their postion and relation to the main abuser. and so when u look at an abusive family its always going to be a spectrum of mixed and conflicting emotions and loyalties and feelings. i think this is genuinely one of the best done and best represented things in the manga

dabi is the first born son, he has all the expectations and weight and responsibility that holds and is held to the higest standerd, he is the closest to endeavor in power and thereofre has the furtherst to fall when he ultimately doesnt live up. this is why his anger and rage and frustration are the greatest. fuyumi by contrast as the only girl had absolutely zero expectations placed on her, she was immediately tossd aside and never even in the running, so she doesnt harbor the same resentment and dissapointment that dabi does. she succeeds at fuffilling her misogynistic role as a secondary caregiver and is thus left alone and escapes a majority of the direct violent abuse, thus she's the peacemaker who just wants to have a happy family. then we have natsuo, because natsuo inherents none of endeavors firepower, he is also immediately discarded and forgotten about like fuyumi. he has no expectations and is neglected rather than directly abused like dabi, but he has no secondary role to positvely fill like fuyumi and so has nowhere positive to fall back on. that coupled with him being closer to dabi and being his support network, hearing about all the abuse dabi is going thru and seeing firsthand the consiquences of endeavors actions, he's angrier than fuyumi and after dabi's death, cant just move past it like the rest of them. this resentment and anger fester and build with no outlet, leaving him the silent dissenter among their household. he, like dabi, will also never forgive endeavor, but instead of letting that anger consume him, he focuses on escaping their life altogether because for him there was always the expectation of other options, unlike dabi who viewed a normal life as failure.

and lastly shoto, who, being born a perfect balance of his parents quirks, is able to usurp power and control from endeavor as he ages and matures. meeting izuku and getting punched in the face with some therapy during their match and after that forming close healthy friendships and developing a sense of self outside his family (something dabi never has the opportunity to do) leads him down a healthier path, and he's able to come back to his family after his time away and usurp that power from endeavor. he has the ability to assert his agency and be free of the control and abuse and represents what i think could almost be called a power fantasy for most abused kids. endeavor loses both his power and therefore his control and thus shoto is the one in charge now. he gets to set the boundaries, decide when he answers and when he doesnt, he has fully succeeded in surpsassing endeavor and thus fuffills the role he was born into which gives him the power and freedom to completely eradicate it. he doesnt crave endeavors approval because he's both gotten it and grown past his need for it. shoto doesnt have the anger dabi does because shoto succeeded where dabi failed. shoto wins endeavors acknowlegement and respect, whereas dabi will always be fighting for it while never being able to achieve it

i absolutely headcanon dabi as having aspd, like it just fits so perfect and makes so much sense given everything he's been through and feels. but dabi's entire relationship with endeavor is the closest depiction ive ever seen in my life to my relationship with my dad and the dynamic within my family. my dad purposefully picked out and trapped my mother into childbirth and marriage, i was not born to his standards and despite childhood me desperately wanting and seeking his approval and acknowledgement he tossed me aside and had another son to abuse instead. i hated and resented my brother for much of my childhood and i absolutely tried to hurt him badly on multiple occasions. he represented everything i wanted but could never have, it wasnt fair and i didnt understand why nothing i ever did was good enough and i took that anger and frustration out on someone who was even more powerless than i was. which is a super common thing in abusive households and is often why abused children torture or hurt animals. as children we are powerless to take our anger and frustration out on the peope hurting us so we mimic them and take it out on someone with less power

and so i identify so much with dabi's anger and feelings of betrayal and frustration. the feelings of rejection and shame and all of the things that culminate in his emotions literally burning him alive because they get so out of control. and he never ever gets the acknowlegement he's looking for. endeavor never once acknowleges him and so dabi just burns himself out further and further, pushes himself to every extreme just trying to get absolutely anything out of endeavor. it's such a "if u wont love me i'll make u hate me because then at least u'll feel *anything* for me" mindset that i can understand so well because i felt it so deeply with my own parents. i would act out negatively to get their attention all the time because i was just so desperate for my dad to acknowlege i existed and like my dad is universally known as an asshole so there's at least that but like if i had to live in a world where ppl upheld him as a saint and a savior and there was ppl walking around with fucking merch of his face and he had fanboys i'd probably also go insane and join a terrorist organization and murder 30 innocent people and release a nationally televised manifesto outing his crimes. like dabi was genuinely so valid for that LOL

i cant even keep my mouth shut if someone calls my dad a nice guy, if he was literally up on billboards and the daily news with huge swaths of the world calling him the greatest hero alive i'd absolutely become the joker lakshdgasdklasjkd the rage i would feel would indeed be enough to melt the flesh off my bones like horikoshi was dead right with that one LOL so i really do just love and identify with their whole story and plotline. and like most other things in the manga i dont love the direction they're going with it and the answers hori is trying to give, and frankly at this point while i know narritvely it makes sense for dabi to die because he does represent a stubborn extreme that in real life is not the right ideology or way through ur abuse and so he's realistically not going to ever be able to recover or be saved at this point in the story, because the role of the healthy mindset that can and will heal is shoto, i cant pull myself up out of my own feelings for that one and be okay with it so whenever it happens its gonna be big No Talky Me I Angy hours kjahsdajklsdhjkasd

#jack.speaks #anon #again thank u so much for these and letting me ramble u are too kind!!!#i am sending u so much love and good vibes anon i hope u have such a good night

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nursingdebriefed · 5 years

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Some things you just have to type out

Arriving on shift I already felt out of it, like something was a little off about the night. I shook it off as I got report- one patient about to deliver, the MD wants her in a pretzel. Another pt im to induce to deliver at 32 week old baby who has congenital anomolies, two of her other babies have died previously from the same condition minutes after birth. It was going to be a long night.

I spent the first hour running from room to room, calling a translator for the pediatrician who wanted to talk to one of my moms about her babies anomolies, and getting my other patient ready for her healthy delivery.

After getting her into pretzel postion and trying to calm her anxiety, the MD came in and checked my pt and said she was complete and ready to push. I switched gears quickly, setting everything up, calling the tech and baby nurse in the room, getting her in position, breaking down her bed, getting her chart, turning the baby warmer on. The delivery went smooth, we pushed all of three times and a sweet baby girl was here. My mind was still in a fog from the beginning of shift and I was calling my charge throughout the delivery to help get my not so healthy baby back on the monitor. The baby never came back on, but I couldnt leave the room of my patient who just delivered, so I called again to make sure someone was going. As soon as we got her cleaned up and her recovery started, I went to my other room and fixed her monitor. I was confused, she was contracting far more normal than usual after one dose of cytotec. I asked our charge nurse her opinion and she said it was fine. Her baby still looked good on the monitor, so I asked someone to watch her as I transfered my delivered patient upstairs.

When I came back down, I looked at her strip and saw that someone had just checked how dilated she was. I went in the room to find the CRNA and another nurse will towels everywhere and chucks on the floor. Ellen told me her water broke and she had way more fluid than normal, it was flowing onto the floor. The MD had come in and checked her and said she was dilated 2-3, and then left the room. We continued to clean her up when she started to leak blood. First it just seemed like blood tinged fluid, but then it became clots and thick and bright red, just blood. I called my charge into the room and she called the resident, who came back in and looked at how much she was bleeding. The CRNA and I got her ready to roll to the ER, but the MD said to wait, she didnt want to take her to get a csection if she didnt have to. The CRNA didnt hesitate- "at this point I"m not worried about baby. She's bleeding out." Just then the babies heart rate began to plummet and the MD gave the order to roll. All at once it seemd I called NICU and our charge and the front to notify them that we were going, and within a minute we were back in the OR. There were more people in the room than I've ever seen before- three first assists, two CRNAs, a whole NICU team. 8 minutes from when we stepped foot in the OR we made first cut- mom was under general anesethia, I was trying to catch up on the counts, our charge was getting sutures. 3 minutes later baby is out and NICU takes him to the warmer and begins resusication. I went between glancing at him and opening things for the scrub tech for mom. I could tell from the way the neonatologist was looking at the NICU nurses that it wasnt good, there wasnt much hope. The MD looked at me sadly too, waiting for my expression to update her on the situation. I just shook my head. Baby wasnt breathing but had a heartbeat still when the NICU team left, saying there was nothing more they could do, they were unable to intubate. I stepped over and put my hand on baby so he wouldnt be alone in his last few minutes as his heart rate slowed and NICU cleared the OR. I went between keeping my hand on him and helping the scrub tech with the supplies. We closed and headed back to the room with baby and mom, mom still asleep from the anesethia.

I put baby in the warmer in the room so she wouldnt see him when she first woke up, which would give the MD a chance to talk to her first. They followed me in the room and we discussed technicalities of the surgery as we set up moms vital machines. When mom woke up, they told her, and she sobbed. She said she wanted her tubes tied, that she wanted it done in surgery so that this would never happen again, tht she left her 11 year old in mexico to come get better care in america so that this wouldnt happen again. She wanted to see her baby so I brought him to her, trying not to cry with her as she rocked him.

The rest of the night is blur. I cried multiple times when I wasnt in the room, overwhelmed with emotions and trauma and paperwork of it all. I had no idea where to start and it took me 6 hours to get her care under control from a charting perspective. I was emotionally exhausted, and thankful when another nurse took me to the side and hugged me and offered me help. Our charge nurse changed from seeming annoyed with me to feeling bad for me, and offered to help too. But there was so much that I couldnt pass off, the charting that would take more time to explain how to do then how to do.

We took baby down to the morgue before we transferred her, and I reassured her that she could see him again if she wanted, she just needed to tell us.

I'm not sure how to process all of this, how to keep this balance of being strong for my patient and suffereing along side time. I'm not sure how anybody gets through this, how that mom will cope.

i wonder if I will ever get use to these things, If it will ever get easier. I hope so

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thendofmystory · 6 years

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Page 1

“Mga binibing, ginang at ginoo , kalalapag lang po lamang natin sa Pandaigdigang Paliparan ng Francisco Bangoy. Maligayang pagdating sa Davao!.........”

10 years rin since nung last kung uwi dito. Anong kayang mangyayari sakin dito ngayon na dito na ako magsesettle down. Sus nagiinarter nanaman ako , para namang hindi taga-Davao.

sighs

Pagkatapos ng mahaba at nakakapagod na daan sa Immigrationa and pagclaim ng bagahe. Sa wakas papunta na rin ako sa bahay nila Mama at Papa.

“Ma?”

“Pa?”

Baka wala sila ngayon sa bahay , pero nasabihan ko namn sila na ngayon ako dadating. Kinuha ko iphone ko at akmang tatawag na sana ko nung bumukas ang gate.

“Jan? Anak , ikaw ba yan?”

“ Ma, opo si Jan ito hahaha ganun na ba ako kaganda ng hindi mo na ako makilala” natatawa kong sabi

“Feeler nanaman ito si ate” sabi ni Papa

“Pa” bait ko sa kanya sabay yakap na rin

Isa-isa kung binuhat yung mga bagahe ko na halos laman naman ang pasalubong para sa kanila.

“Si Marie?” tanong ko

“Nasa skwelahan pa. Sunduin na lang natin mamaya at kumain sa labas .” sagot ni Mama habang naghahalungkat sa mga dala ko

“Naks naman , yaman ah” sabi ko

“Magpahinga ka muna at mamayang alas singko , aalis tayo para puntahan si Marie” utos nin Papa

“Sige. Gisingin niyo ako ha. Baka matulog na lang ako buong araw” sabi ko

2 storey bahay namin . 4 kwarto , 2 sa taas at 2 sa baba. Tig-iisa kami ng kapatid ko tapos nung master naman kila Mama at Papa . Lastly , guest room yung isa .

Pagbukas ko ng kwarto ko , ganun pa rin ang itsura nung last ko tong nakita. Ang ganda talaga ng kwarto ko . Wow hahaha ang yabang naman pero sa totoo lang ako nagdesign nito.

Key design ng kwarto ko kaya mahal na mahal ko to ay :

1) Yung kama ko ay nasa nasa baba lang. Yung walang bed frame , pina Japanese style. Kaya walang may gusto matulog dito kasi nakakapagod daw tumayo and humiga .

2) Elevated ang kama ko na may stairs papunta dun . Syempre para hindi naman masyadong lubog kama ko hahaha

3) Closet ko ay open concept . Kumbaga hindi siya cabinet , walang sara so open na open sa lahat magview ng mga damit ko

4)Reading corner malapit sa bintana . Ito ang favorite ko na part sa kwarto ko . Sinigurado ko na mayroon talaga akong ganito na space sa kwarto ko.

Matapos kong i-unpack mga damit ko . Nagpahinga na rin ako .

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beep beep

“Nyeta , ang traffic naman” angal ko

Kanina pa ata ako dito nakastuck sa traffic . Buti sana kung moving traffic pero hindi naman.

“Parang may commotion ata dun sa unahan Jan” sabi ni Mama

“Chismosa ka talaga mama “ natawa na lang ako sa Mama ko

Kahit kailan talaga mahilig makichismis anywhere and anytime

“Jan , I think someone collapsed and nobody is helping the married couple” sigaw ng dad ko

Naalarma ako , sa ganitong sitwasyon pa na nasa gitna tayo ng kalsada.

“ Pa” sabi ko , sabay tanggal ng seatbelt ko

“ Sige na “ kalmang sagot ng papa ko sabay abot ng AED kit

Kung nagtataka kayo bakit may AED kit sa kotse ng magulang ko , in case of emergency which is ngayon na NGA

Tumakbo ako kung saan maraming taong nakatayo .

“Excuse Medic on the way “ sigaw

Puta naman mga ate at kuya , imbes na tumulong ako . Nakatayo lang kayo dyan at nakichismis.

Isang may edad na lalake ang nakahiga sa kalsada , sa tabi naman niya yung asawa niya I assume na umiiyak . Sa kabila naman ay isang babae na sisimulan na sana ang CPR.

“ Tumawag kayo ng ambulansya” turo ko sa isang passerby na dali-daling kinuha naman ang phone niya

“I’m a nursing student” singit ng isang babae na kinuha AED kit ko at binuksan ito

Tumango na lang ako at hinanap ang pulso ng lalake.

“Sir? Sir ? Can you hear me? “ sigaw ko

No response . No breathing . CPR

Landmark for hand position. Interlace fingers . Start chest compression

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 10

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 15

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 20

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 25

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 30

No breathing. Mask on . Give 2 full breaths.

Chest compression.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 10

1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and -

“AED is ready. Do not touch the patient”

Tumigil ako sa pag CPR at inobserbahan ang lalake .

External injuries? No.

“Shock advised” sabi ng babae

“ Tita , tahan na po . “ sabi ko sa asawa

Humahagol-gol lang ang asawa niya. Hinimas-himas ko lang ang likod nito nang kumalma ito . The next thing I least expect to happen is that mahimatay itong asawa niya.

“ Patient is breathing” sigaw ng nurse

“ Check for injuries and turn to recovery postion” sagot ko

Tamang-tama dumating rin ang paramedics at nagtake-over na. Patient is stabilised but needs further monitoring by the hospital daw. Cause of accident is cardiac arrest , buti na lang at naabutan.

“Sorry to distuirb po , but can we invite you to the hospital to give us information about the accident” tanong ng paramedic

“Sure. Anong hospital ? “ sabi ko while finding my phone para tawagan sina Mama at Papa

“St.Luke’s po maam.” sagot niya

“Sige. Salamat” sabi ko

Habang tinatawagan ko si Mama , inabot ng babaeng nurse yung AED kit ko .

“Thank you for saving my dad. I panicked so I did not lnow what to do at first until you intervened. Sorry , college student lang po kasi ko .” nahihiyang sabi niya

“ It’s okay , times like this do make you panic and lose track of your thoughts. You still did a great job in aiding me with the AED.” ngiting sabi ko

“If you dont mind , I can give you a lift to the hospital. “ offer niya

Pumayag ako since hindi ko rin naman alam paano pumunta doon at hindi ko rin macontact si Mama.

Sumakay ako sa kotse nila , still trying to contact Mama .

ring ring ring ri-

“Finally ma” angal ko

“Jan , saan ka? Anong nangyari na? “ dali-daling tanong ni Mama

“It’s okay now Ma. Papunta akong St.Luke’s Hospital ngayon for the patient.” sagot ko

Sumasakit na ulo ko sa init dito. Malayo pa ba yung hospital ?

“Sige okay , we will see you there. Susunduin muna namin si Marie” sabi ni Mama

“Sige okay. Ingat”

Ipipikit ko na sana mata ko sa para umidlip sandali ng biglang

“Sorry pero im just curious , are you a doctor? “ tanong ng studyante

“Hindi ba pwede name muna bago occupation? asar ko

“Ah-eh sorry . A-ako po si Jassy . “ kabadong sagot niya

“Hahaha chill . Im just joking with you. “ natatawa kong sabi

“Ahh. Haha”

“Yes I am . Im Jan” extending my hand for a handshake.

“Maam nandito na po tayo”

Here goes endless questions

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