#ITS EXAMS TODAY FUCK

[slavhew]

overdue backposting of the one man mental illness (and two man, sometimes)

#drrr!! #durarara!! #durarara #drrr #orihara izaya #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #shizaya #a cheap imitation #aci #admin draws #fanart #its like one a m and i hav e been up since 7 beause exam season yaaay #which is why again no art #i drew a little today an d it wasnt any of this but it did remind me to finally fkn post this #and also to stop waiting for doodles to pile up jgdgsljlh i shuld rly stop doing this #formatting is also always a nightmare #anyways cough. hope that last one makes it through #not all of these are up to my standard but too fucking bad

[dreadnotau]

Happy three years everybody! As always, there’s a lot to say on the occasion, so pop in at the end of the post for the tl;dr if you don’t have time for my detailed diatribes, haha

Boy, time flies, huh? Feels like the second anniversary was just yesterday, but maybe that’s just the several long hiatuses getting to me. I’ve been scarce on uploading anything anywhere for a while now, even though I promised I’d actually pick up the slack this time around. What gives? Well…

For one, college hell, and for two, a lot of unfounded anxiety about putting my art out there. Allow me some theatrics for a moment and I’ll actually get back to the comic at hand… I’ve never had an exceptionally supportive environment for making art. It wasn’t suppressive, not in the slightest, but it also wasn’t… encouraging. It was always treated as a hobby or a distraction rather than something I was allowed to be fully proud of, especially because a lot of my art focused on more cartoon-y and fantasy ideas, rather than still life studies and painting (which people generally outside of the art sphere tend to value more, arbitrarily). Couple that with a childhood full of being bullied over minute shit you hadn’t even considered could be an issue before, and you get a teenager hellbent on never sharing his interests or ideas with anyone, mostly due to the fear of rejection.

I’ve grown, thankfully, but that paranoia and fear doesn’t go away overnight. As I’m sure you all know, Meowchela was the one who originally encouraged me to post this comic, and the only reason she succeeded was because she was the first person in a long time who listened and engaged with my interests and my art in a meaningful way. It’s kind of obvious her friendship had a profound impact on me, and I’d cite her as one of the reasons I was even hopeful enough to apply to an art college in the first place! This comic, and that bond with another person, proved that maybe these things I’m so passionate about weren’t duds, and weren’t something I had to keep to myself.

So, fast forward a few years. About three years, in fact.

During one of my classes, right before this hellish two weeks of exams started, one of the class assistants talked me into showing my comic pages to one of my professors. He’s generally a pretty open guy when it comes to new mediums, but I’m always… apprehensive about showing my less “traditional art”-y things to professors, but, he ended up being genuinely proud of it. Specifically, I showed him pages 85-87 (because they’re my favourites) and, he didn’t read the text, just the visuals were enough for him to say “good job, keep it up” (which is HIGH praise from that guy). When I mentioned I’ve been meaning to simplify the visuals because I didn’t have time to work on the comic very often because of college and classes, he dismissed it on principle. I was honestly caught off guard. Heavily paraphrasing, he suggested that worsening the visuals for an arbitrary deadline was counterproductive to making something that’s Good™.

That’s kinda stuck with me. For a good few years now I was more focused on optimisation rather than visual improvement for the comic, and though it HAS contributed to better visuals in some ways (cutting corners sometimes makes for a less pointy and jagged end result), it’s kind of weird I’m treating an art project that way, isn’t it? I set a lot of… arbitrary deadlines and standards for myself, in the form of expectations and what I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing at certain stages in my life. I’ve thought of Dread Not as a passion project second and a stepping stone first, if I’m being honest. As if it was too… fandom-y and derivative to be treated with more gravity than that, like it’s an immature project because I was still a child when I came up with it. As if it was something I’m making to Build Up to Something Else, something Bigger and Cooler and More Important, and… the more I think about the future of Dread Not, and even my future career options, the more I realised that’s, ironically, a really immature way to think about it.

If there’s one thing going to this art college has taught me, is that there’s no “right” way to make art, and there’s no “right” way to success as an artist. There’s no clear-cut paths, just more commonly treaded roads, but even those are heavily overgrown. Why should I try to box myself into thinking I have to make things from complete scratch to be taken seriously? What’s so bad about Dread Not as a story and as a comic that’s caused me to vaguely keep it under wraps when conversing with people in my day-to-day life? Why wouldn’t I put all these skills I’ve acquired to improve and expand this project that’s Right There, WAITING for me to finally get off my ass and get pages out there again?

I wish I could say I’ve used all this time away in a particularly clever way, but I really haven’t - at least, it feels like I haven’t. My art has undoubtedly improved over time (though admittedly the art for this post was Very rushed, fuckin exams), and while I’ve been working on projects in the background, chipping away at them in a VERY disorganised way, I haven’t been posting that progress anywhere, and I haven’t made any good progress on my biggest project, Dread Not, because of the other ones. And, honestly? Admitting that kinda stings. This comic means a lot to me, and I wish I actually gave it the time and attention it deserves instead of letting it sit out hiatus after hiatus because I keep failing at structuring my time.

So, my new plan is a little more abstract: find a way to work Dread Not into my school schedule, and slowly build a habit of working on it more often. No clue how long that’ll take, but I think it’ll be worth it to consider it as an option, and hopefully finally end these long, drawn out hiatuses with short bursts of uploads in-between. HOPEFULLY. Building habits was never my strong suit, so please bear with me while I figure this out in what will probably be the most hectic upload schedule in this comics history, which is: no schedule at all.

From now on (until the end of Act 1), I’ll upload pages when they’re ready, and depending on how the weeks go and how complex the page is, they could be weeks or days apart from one another. Hell, some might even take a month to finish if school stuff gets REALLY hectic (god knows Hellish Exam Week number 1 and number 2 won’t be giving me much time to work on the comic), but I’m determined to do this. I want to be able to put my all into this project again!!

(And hopefully finish Act 1 by the end of this semester…)

TL;DR: College is giving me life lessons I didn’t expect, and because of them I’ve decided to give myself a non-existent upload schedule for Dread Not: Pages will be posted when they’re ready, and the spacing between pages could wildly vary depending on circumstances and the actual complexity of the page itself.

As always, thank you for being here, thank you for reading, and thank you for being patient!

If all goes well, there will be new content very, very soon.

#dread not #dreadnot #dread not au #dreadnotau #not comic #kris #schedule update #again #apparently i was calling this last hiatus a pseudo hiatus? #oh silly past me. this was a full blown hiatus jesus fucking christ #but yeah no i love being at this college dont get me wrong #its just that i have like 3 exams to prepare for the next two days ALONE #so like!!!! wish me luck!!!!! for christs sake #yknow i was planning on actually Dedicating Time to the art for this post #but uhh. haha. a little thing called the consequences to my actions caught up to me #fuckin psychology exam today that i had to cram for last night #i think it went ok? who the fuck knows at this point #but for tomorrow and the day after that i have digital shit to finish some theory to cram AND an ENTIRE PAINTING #that i didnt even START YET #and its an autoportrait. as if i wasnt suffering enough i have to stare at my ugly mug for hours #AGAIN. BECAUSE I HAD A DIFF AUTOPORTRAIT TO FINISH FOR LAST WEEK #im in spain without the s yall pray for me

[gothmiqote]

#ffxiv #ff14 #final fantasy xiv #zenos yae galvus #had to get my seasonal tires swapped today & remembered the 'i bet the drunk driving scene in garlemald fucks' post again #realized its entirely plausible zenos can Also drive #idk if he would be good or not but i know he never touches his blinker #anyway i need to know what the masses think. #myself? i theoretically CAN parallel park but literally haven't done so since i finished the drivers exam and refuse to do it now lmfao #ill walk idc theres no Way im trapping myself like that. doubt zenos would have that type of anxiety fgdhs

[newtness532]

im so annoyed with everything today, i think i need some tasty food and a million hours of sleep and then I'll be back to normal

#the teacher at the first class today was so dibsjdhdhdhdhsgs 😫 #like she was teaching us things that are like unrelated to the class that shes teaching so idek why she was teaching it #but also its things that we have been learning since the 1st semester and we've done them in at least 10 classes and she was acting like #this was the 1st time we were hearing about it #like oh yeah we're on the 7th semester of studying nutrition but no one bothered to tell us how many calories are in a gram of fat #and she gave us homework 'to see if we know this' like #oh yes i can make a meal plan for a child with crohns or cystic fibrosis or celiac disease or everything else we've done this semester and #all the other semesters but i guess i cant tell you what micronutrients are in this one breakfast meal #like fuck off and stick to what you're supposed to be teaching #anyway i know im getting more annoyed than i should but she was just even more annoying than usual today #like she interrupted the lesson every 5 minutes to yell at someome to be quiet i wasnt even aware there were people talking until she yelled #anyway #also my new earphones aren't working well idk why ive definitely not been mistreating them that much for them to break in less than a month #like i had my old pair for at least 4 years until the broke and i dont think the wire got cut in them like the sound was coming out weird #but there was sound coming out. in the new ones you need to hold them in a very specific angle for sound to come out #and like im careful with how i put them away so what is up with them? #my theory is that they make wired earphones shitty on purpose so that you will spend a lot of money and buy wireless #also we had said from Tuesday that we would hang out with my friends today but i guess they forgot or idk and they made other plans #(to go home and sleep) and during the weekend the one friend wont be here and next week my family will be here so we probably wont hang out #again until next year and we have exams almost immediately so we wont be hanging out much then either #also my period is supposed to come soon and i hope that it will either come today or it will wait until after Christmas #ideally it will never come ever again but we cant always get what we want #anyway im gonna go eat the rest of my μεσογειακό and go take a nap #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

[widevibratobitch]

i hate my uni sm lol i dont want to be heeeeere let me out let me out

#motherfucking dance classes. we have the exam in two weeks and the choreography's not ready. #we gotta meet up in our own free time without the professor and practise on our own and try out if something works or doesnt. on. our. own. #bitch like what are you getting paid for lol #i hate it here so much i didnt come here to dance #and i leave every rehearsal on the verge of a panic attack and with red welts down my arms from scratching myself to calm tf down lol #(ask me again why i became obsessed with the white haired beautiful princess with a disorder in record time lol I GET HIM) #its fucking mental torture to me lol #anyway now im getting passive aggressive comments in the groupchat because they suddenly decided that we need to meet #for another rehearsal. today in two hours. like bitch????? sorry that i have earlier plans?????? #i gently suggested that we should try to set the rehearsal plans earlier #and i even put a sad emoji at the end to show that im not trying to be a bitch lol #and now a girl im like actually friends with goes all 'thank you for your input jagoda im waiting for you to suggest something better' like #girl?????????? lol #but like it's whatever. apologised immediately ofc like why bother #anyway BASTA

[bruciemilf]

let me give you biiiig hug you look like you need it 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Tyyy

#just one of those days yk #i cant study i cant draw i cant watch YouTube i cant watch movies. no song is satisfying and just tires me out #everything tastes gross and i don't want to eat but ik i have to or ill be more irritable #its too hot its too cold i want to cry i cant cry #i want to sleep i wanna talk to ppl i dont want to talk to anyone bc im so mentally maxxed out #idk i think its seasonal burnout. sucks that it happened a week right before my exam but oh whale #only the 4th time i fail #i will tell you i dont have the nerve to off myself. but if i could hire someone to swiftly shoot me in the head #i would do it TODAY. fuck. like life is worth living but im just so grossed out #not dc #vent #depressive episodes fucking suck

[iqmmir]

Headache

#.mimiming ❜ #i sleep and wake up and its still there #i had to write a whole ass exam while battling my headache 💔💔💔 #my friends asked me to go to the medical room (sort of like an infirmary ig) #but if i was alone i would probably break down and start sobbing and not be able to write the exam so.. #oh the exam went pretty good #apart from the headache #also today two very loud senior students sat behind me so i couldn't here what people my grade were talking about #< this is a good thing #the students of my grade in this bus are so fucking annoying

[rewh0re]

very soon I will fucking end it all atp

rant in the tags

#might delete later idk rant #sorry just needed to vent #It has not even been a full week since my exams have finished #and i have to appear for “enhancement examination” starting tomorrow until 21st???? #like my teacher I'm sorry but she's such a bitch #she's not even telling me my marks #like atleast tell me if I've failed or passed like???? #i mean if i did pass whats the point of giving this exam again #come on its been 4 days since exams ended #and you've started this bs #on top of that i have fucking food poisoning #and due to all this i had a mental breakdown #AND YK WHAT #SHE'S INFORMING US TODAY THAT THERES A TEST TOMORROW #i got the message at fucking 6 in the evening saying #oh u have tests starting tomorrow #like maam?????? are you fucking insane #how am i supposed to cope with sm pressure???

[tojisun]

wdym i have to synthesize 147 pages before monday !!

#sun rambles #its not much tbh but dear god the prep work in studying - cuz its an online exam - has me wilting #also im on my third cup of foccee today les goooo #fuck i meant coffee

[lycanthian]

THEY SHOULD INVENT A ME THAT CAN FOCUS ON LITERALLY ANYTHING AND I AM BEING DEAD SERIOUS

#lycan howls #delete later probably #i have finals next week and most of them are projects (i have to be at school to work on those) and one of them is like a real time exam #but one of them is a paper thats just die by a specific time and like #i cant focus on it for shit #that and the other paper i talked abt earlier which is a separate for the same class i need to do #and its driving me fucking insane #it feels like ive literally tried every trick in the book #every single thing that usually will let me focus #everything that other people recommend for focus #it sjust not fucking working today and its driving me isnane because these assignments are due in two days #and i plan on spending as much of the week as possible on my actual project assignments bc theyre for my major related classes #i need to be put down or sometjing because this is fucking unreal and i dont know how to fix it today

[collecting--stardust]

FINALLY FREEEEEE (and don't know shit about that sepang test)

#fucked up most of my exams but its all in the past oh well #actually my practical skills exam should be on the 14th but they pushed it earlier to today #and since the ticket is expensive af due to the cny and i cant change it so im stuck here until 14 :/ #could have a chance to meet the motogp guys at the airport if i were to go home today or tomorrowtho but oh well #im so out of touch of everything except for pictures of the livery presentation ive been really busy #that and also i fell back to my tvxq phase particularly my jaejoong phase because hes my first love and first love never dies lol #but yeah mostly because ive been so busy with practicum and frying my brain cramming for my exam just to struggle in the end #got a whole of shit to catch up on like i saw about franky and raul mising the test and lewis to ferrari #but i just saw alfa romeo now gone and guanyu and valtteri in fucking green and i was so speechless like wtf #and alpha tauri now has ugly ass name too and so much huh??? #yeah in conclusion im so out of loop lol #personal.txt

[blazersparker]

My bday today !!

#I SWEAR ILL POST SHIT WHEN I HAVE WIFI #AND LIKE ACTUALLY. DO THINGS #but i cant rn sad face emoji #youre gonna get spammed with. So much Oppo #its collecting in my galleru #evil snickering #ANYWAYS #happy birthday to meeeee #i may not have a cake but i have a packaged brownie #i rlly rllly wanted to be back home for this. but oh well #fuck the exam tho im not doing that shit #literally they told us yesterday at midnight that we had an exam today? #r u people fucking crazy? deranged? #and if im a minute late to submitting my hw you piss and shit on me? #fuck u all #oh also jellyfish. ouauahgg #jts bcuz im stupid and wanted to be on the beach like. by myself #^ if theres no one at this specific beach during Beach Season theres probably a reason. yeah #not even the first time #same beach too #im just dumb fr #my stubble in that doodle is Greatly exaggerated #but a boygirl can dream #i had to shave it anyways bcuz. family gatherings and whatnot #sad face emoji #ok enough ranting in tags

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[pissywiser]

3 pre mocks down. 11 to go. 😃😃😃😃 !! i am sooo happy abouut this as you can see.

#i will be complaining about this next 2 weeks #this is like rookie exams they dont actually matter in the grand scheme of things and they are fucking my arse. they are absolutely #finishing me off #and its a monday 😃 #biology tmmr! and then . sigh maths on wednesday. its chill #its totally chill #maths paper i did today. lets say im gonna have to be taken behing the sports hall and put down cruelly as i deserve #and idk what my bloody story was the eng language i was literally bored of it by the end #pls english teacher go easy on me !! pleassee !!!!!!!!! #i can only go down from here as well i got a 9 last time.i nt he test that didnt even bloody matter #whategr im going to revise more. half lie

[kylejsugarman]

is anyone else always scared and sleepy or is it just me and this dude

#syd squeaks #taking another practice exam tomorrow (today). its so close now its so fucking close #im so terrified 😭 save me jesse........jesse save me.....

[shamemp3]

im up so early to study for this fuckass exam

#i do not feel prepared in any way but its my last one! #i do still have 1 paper after this but today is my last exam so its fine #this semester actually beat my ass fuck courses that do both final exams and final papers/projects #z.txt