#My lack was to humble meeee | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suibiansky · 3 years

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Stumbled upon this via @p-h03n1-x and @theji. As a new 🐢 I thought this would be a good exercise to put my thoughts in some sort of order (well, as much as I can when it comes to these 2 anyway). This will definitely take more than 28 days, but first, a Day 00 on why I made this blog and my experience with RPS and fandoms.

In the words of The Temptations: 🎶 and it was just my imagination. Running away with meeee 🎶 NOTHING IS REAL HERE.

I literally made this Tumblr a few days ago, and prior to this I haven’t touched Tumblr in ages. I’ve been lurking around the Wangxian community on the birb site, but I find there’s not much of a ‘community’ per se. It was only when I clicked a link to a BJYX tumblr site where I realized how much analysis was going on. Next thing I know its 2am and just touched the surface of what’s been going down after CQL ended.

My History with RPF/RPS

None. I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable shipping real people. I think the closest I’ve ever come to was Destiel in Supernatural and even then I knew Misha Collins had a partner and a kid while Jensen was in a relationship too. I just loved their friendship and fan service they gave during cons, but I was definitely leaning on shipping the characters and just cackling over the actors’ antics. Like some 🐢 here, I initially felt RPS was just projecting whatever feelings I had from the fictional characters to the actors. I’m ashamed to admit this, but for queer RPS I would tell myself ‘there’s no way because what are the chances of them being queer?’ I had heteronormativity in the brain (and I’m QUEER. How sad is that??). And then I watched The Untamed.

C-Ent who dis?

As a geek and someone who worked in the entertainment industry in the U.S. I understand fandom culture. As such I love learning about the industry just as much as participating in the fandoms that spawn from it. I’m going to preface that prior to CQL I had no knowledge of the Chinese entertainment industry or anything related to Chinese pop culture besides the many kung-fu (is that even the right term to use? Should I use wuxia?) movies I grew up watching. I hope to learn a lot more about the C-Ent industry through this community. I watched The Untamed in the summer 2020 and I immediately read the novel (woah) and devoured any fanfic/art pertaining to Wangxian. Of course, after a while I was soon recommended to watching BTS footage of the cast. I was shook. Me vs. Hetero-Troll Or..How I Was in Denial My queerdar went off the bat when watching GG and DD together, particularly DD, but of course my subconscious heteronormative-thinking ass was thinking ‘pah, can’t be. Fan service. Gotta promote the show right? ‘Look how we get along! We hit each other (like bros!), tease one another about our so-called big age gap (like bros!), give...intense, longer-than-usual stares at one another and...touch each other a bit longer than usual and often...very often.. like bros (??) BUT NO. It. Is. Fan service. Gotta be. *insert slap meme* Well, says the hetero troll in me, doesn’t matter now. The show’s been over since 2019, its 2020 GG and DD have moved on. As I mentioned earlier, I jumped in various social media getting any CQL-related morsels I could, then thanks to @rainbowsky ‘s recommendation list I started watching Xiaoman M’s videos on YT.

It was here the hetero-troll died a fiery death in the Burial Mounds and hasn’t come back since. Now I don’t think my obsession totally sane amount of support of this RPS would exist if it weren’t for my admiration of these two talented men and my wish for them to be successful and happy and if that means being happy together that’s for me to chomp candy on If you’re still here reading this, thanks! I don’t know how much I can contribute to the turtle community (lack of language proficiency and Weibo is intimidating af), but I’d love to add on my humble love and support over these 2 amazing, talented, okay and beautiful artists with you all. 💖 Off to do more reading!

#28daysbjyxchallenge #bjyx #bjyxszd #tumblr is my version of screaming into the void #ggdd #but did you all see gg's chengdu vlog?#such a beautiful heart #dd you lucky sob #jk this is so fake #i know nothing

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aesthetic-dani · 7 years

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Simple af. wanting to die doesn't come as a collection of sadness. At least not to me. For me, it was a realization that lasted about 8 seconds. I just wanted to evaporate. Dissapear. oh my, I would have killed for it in those moments.... Let'’ make it clear though that my desire was not to end my life, but to pause from existing. Meaning part of the deal is coming back to living. I'm sorry to disapoint you if you were getting triggered... No I am not suicidal.

I cried sm. actually, I am crying rn. It is terribly hard to see the keyboard, and I am hoping the 'clack' of the spacebar wont wake up anybody. Yes, sneaky. Not supposed to be awake, or complaining, or feeling like shit. Actually I feel worse than how Hitler would have felt if he had had an average's man conciousness.

I am shit. I am shitty too. Two in one everybody, take advantage of the sale!!! And there girl too. Because if your blood and my blood are not closely related, I might happen to treat you more kindly. At least it is what mom says, and she's got a point. I am shitty. AND spoiled, and selfish, and a son (well daughter) of a bitch. (yes, my mother did say those words, and perhaps didn't mean them in the sense that I AM her daughter). what can I truly say? I am scared of the world, I am clingy towards my parents, and I find this to be true mostly because they subconciously make me feel guilty about going out, I am not really a daredevil. I am scared of what is out there. I have zero exposure. Mother says I go to friend's houses and all but! such friends live within a 5 mile radius and mother has a handbook as to times, events, transportation, guests and so on. I truly think I wouldn't be much different with my future daughter. I still think about it. What would I do? I am not quite certain.

I am very scared of what life will do to me... I have not been good. Not honestly. How I treat my siblings, my mother and father, even myself. I do not talk with God anymore. Not quite sure how I did it, or if I ever did. Truth it I felt more at home... Probably because I was younger and less scared. Had less chances to be scared. I want a bright future but I am shitty, sorry for this writter's lack for a better adj. I am terribly scared of when life will take my parents from me. And my siblings. And when they all stop being fun and turn into, you know, every other grown up with his/her problems to be bitter about. Wait up, THAT IS MEEEE !!!! ajhkfluhrl. I do not know how to feel greater emotion towards my siblings. I can talk quite passiontely about my siblings, but when it comes to talking to them it seems like when you've been waiting to meet your idol, and when you finally fo they happen to be odly human. As if all the stories you had told about them were partially fiction, and adorned with glitter and ribbons (elementary school project type of thing, where the triptych board is overlly decorated to make up for how lame the graphs and charts about water evaporation are ). I am with them and I long for home. Yes, tofay I had both mom and dad crying and yelling at me about how this issue is olf now. How it all started 8 years ago and it stays there... In the past. Thst wasn;t so easy for me. Maybe as an artist you unconsciously try to find something to be butt hurt about, so you can dig deeper into that idea and then make a ton of work about how a tiny event or person impacted you.

Mom cries, Dad yells. Then mother screams and punches as dad has an intimate moment with the tv remote. I am there decifing wether to breathe or help the boogers from covering a third of my face, or wipe the tears from my burning eyes. I am not the easiest child, but I am worth saving. I know I am selfish and plain out disgusting character wise. But I feel a sort of helplessness as to what I can do. Am I trying my hardest? No. I am just as lazy as every other human. And I wish not to be. But I do want to be more humble. Feel as if what I have I am not entitled to, but I have earned. To feel goo for my siblings working when the trip was a family thing. I wish I had the money so that they wouldnt have to worry much about that. I am weird. I feel embarrassed for having more oportunities than they so, so instead of being humble about it for some reason I turn arrogant. I go with the whole, "yeah but at least you 3 had each other" argument to put aside how I feel lonely, yet I have more opportunities, do not, get physically beaten and actually have food on my plate (unlike my siblings during their childhood). I feel bad that they have to work so hard. I truly do. I guess my way of saying that was "why won't you just spenf time with me instead of working?". I know, shitty position a) spoiled sister that I love and want to communicate but I am not sure how to or b) Making the money that we are putting into this trip and be able to not have good times here and not be broke when we head back home. Again, I am not easy, but I am kinda worth investing. I wish it would just hit me tomorrow morning and stick w me for ever. Being humble. It would be.... Great. But scary truth is that when life teaches you how to be humble, it does so by taking things away. And i am terribly scared of what life can do. First the car, then..... Lets not talk about it.

Again with the going out... yes. But come on if mom and dad can not take me, and do not want me to Lyft places and will not allow me to stay over at anyone's place, then what am I supposed to do? I love my friend that lives nearby, but there are honestly so many things and places out there. And IK I sound as if I was in a rush to live but..... I am scared. And I am scared that if I do not start learning how to detach now, I will never do. I love my parents and want to be w them. But I also want to be able to be places and know they feel alright. Okay, yes. That one that that I could've been almost raped, or it looked like something was off. I get it. I was scared af, but I don't really know how else can I learn if I am not out there,

I do want a car so that I won't have to be a burden to my parents. So that I can try to be more out there, on my own terms. Without the whole, "Mom has to work so you either go there early/late or not at all". I study near a very cool area in my city, a culture center and I don't even know what is going on around me. What Will I say about my teen years when I am older? "Oh yea, the school assignments were fantastic!!" I want to live more in the moment, and I am scared and I do not wish to be. I honestly think about what is going on rn... Everywhere! And I just live in such a cool place but do nothing cool with it. I really hope that I get to figure things out. I guess I want to be more grown up, But I am scared. Prettier, but I am scared. I want to get back on shape u know... With everything. I feel guilty about acting as if I was entitled to things and not value them, that my siblings and parents have to work so hard, that mom and dad have to drive me around places, about the things that i want. My car, and surgery and advenruring. God, universe, karma, please treat me kindly. Maybe put someone in my path that makes me less scared, more humble and such.

Very few times did I mean to hurt people. I want to stop, I want to shut up. I want to FEEL pretty and I want to not be scared

There, I think I have said enough. *sighs*

Tomorrow is a new day. Be better.

5-24-17 12:56 am.

#me #thoughts #rant #problems #sad #girl of wonder

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