#Sometimes I am too asexual for this straight and gay bullshit of putting romantic/sexual relationships above all others | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

braincoins · 4 years

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I started to put this in the tags of that other post but realized that wasn’t the place for it, because that post is specifically about the biphobic nonsense of “Are you really bi if you’re in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex?” (the answer is yes, shut the fuck up)

And I didn’t want to distract from that point because it’s an important point, but it stems from what I started to babble about, which is this notion that HETEROSEXUAL = BAD.

I know that if someone is heterosexual/romantic and cisgendered and in a relationship with another heterosexual/romantic and cisgendered person of the opposite sex, that they are not queer.

But, especially here on Tumblr, I keep seeing sneaky tendrils of STRAIGHT = BAD which is bullshit that I, as a biromantic asexual, have written about before. I catch only glimmers because I’m actually pretty strict about restricting my content here on the blue hellsite, but I still see some of it.

STRAIGHT = BAD is TERF nonsense, people. It’s white feminism nonsense, too, because PoC need romance in any and all flavors, thank you very much. And, yes, it’s often bi/pan/acephobic. I’m a white cis ace married to a white straight man (though he does really like Matt Damon... perhaps too much? Hmmm...). Y’all would throw me/us out of Pride in a heartbeat for “not being queer,” despite my ace t-shirts and the ace pride necklace I wear EVERY DAY. Hell, I even got my medical information bracelet in ace colors... or as close I could, anyway.

I’ve been called “homophobic” for shipping a canonically gay character with a woman because I headcanoned him (from before the gay reveal) as Bi. Yet the same people will whip around and ship a male character who’s only ever shown interest in women - and who was canonically romantically involved with a female character - with another male character, and claim, “Oh, it works ‘cause he’s Bi.”

That’s biphobia edging into STRAIGHT= BAD territory right there. “It’s okay to make a Straight Character Bi in fanfiction, as an excuse to ship him with another guy, but it’s NOT okay to make a Gay Character Bi in fanfiction while shipping him with a woman.” It’s sort of like how misogyny leads into homophobia: women are bad, therefore a man who “acts like a woman” is bad, too. Same thing. Straight people are bad, therefore a “bi” person who’s in a “straight” relationship is bad, too. THEY AREN’T IN “STRAIGHT” RELATIONSHIP. My straight husband is in a queer relationship because he is married to me, a queer woman. FULL STOP. And the policing that goes on in fanfiction... [rolls eyes] Let me tell you some things: A) You can do whatever you want in fanfiction. That’s why it’s fanfiction. You can ignore canon sexuality entirely if you want.

B) Are you really making the Straight Character “Bi” or are you making him “Bi but ‘technically’ Gay” which is... not a thing? Bi is not some stepping stone identity until you figure out whether you’re gay or straight. People don’t stop being Bi once they figure out which sex they’re gonna settle down with. (Also, gender binary much?)

C) FANFICTION IS NOT THE ONLY MEDIA IN THE WORLD. And, hell, as media goes, fanfiction is almost overwhelmingly made by women and/or queer authors. If you’re bagging on fanfic authors because of what they ship/write, just face the fact that you’re only going after the small fish because you can’t take on the big ones - television shows, movies, comics, and professional novels - and you want to throw your weight around.

D) JUST. LET. PEOPLE. BE. HAPPY. This is what I was going to tag-babble about on the biphobia post. If you see a woman who is happy with her male partner? BE HAPPY FOR HER. You don’t need to know if she’s bi or pan or trans or WHATEVER. JUST FUCKING LET HER BE HAPPY. Don’t tell her she’s “not really bi” if she’s in love with a dude. Don’t tell her that male/female relationships are inherently unbalanced and unhealthy. Don’t ask her how many women she’s been with, or go through her fanfic preferences with a fine-tooth comb looking for “proof” that she’s “queer enough.”

Look, I also make jokes about “the straights.” I also roll my eyes about “men.” Hell, I even catch myself “being White.” (I mean, I’m always white, but sometimes I am WHITE, y’know what I mean?) And it’s true that Straight White Men are responsible for so much of what is WRONG in our culture.

But there is such a thing as throwing the baby out with the bathwater. So I’ma say it again:

HETERONORMATIVITY IS BAD. The idea that you SHOULD be straight, that it’s the default, that anything outside of Male + Female is a perversion? THAT’S THE BAD STUFF. HETEROSEXUALITY IS NOT BAD. Especially when we’re talking about, oh, just off the top of my head, a black woman being shown as strong and powerful but ALSO being in a loving, consenting mutual relationship with a male partner. That shit is old hat for white women, who definitely need more “I don’t need to be married to a man to prove my worth” storylines, but for black women and other WoC, they don’t often get to see healthy, loving relationships with characters who look like them.

Getting this through our heads won’t fix ALL the biphobia, of course, but it’ll help.

#Socks babbles #long post #biphobia #heterosexuality #heteronormativity #IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO GATEKEEP THE ENTIRE WORLD #let people do what they want and what makes them happy #if you think the male partner is BAD for the bi woman because you've seen red flags that's one thing #if you think she's not 'bi' or 'queer' enough anymore because she's in love with a dude?#FUCK OFF

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roidespd-blog · 5 years

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Chapter Nine : SEX, SEXUALITY and GENDER IDENTITY

Ask yourself three simple questions. What are your biological characteristics ? What does or does not turn you on ? What are you ?

If you can get through all three, congratulations. You’ve built great foundations for yourself as a human being.

That is not always the case.

SEX — A NON-BINARY CONCEPT

That seems to be the easiest one. It was. Also, it never was. Organisms (entities that exhibit the properties of life) of male and female varieties, each known as sex. We’re not talking about doing the nasty but the genetic traits that constitutes your sexual reproductive system. Among humans (and other mammals), males typically carry and X and Y chromosome whereas the female typically carry two X chromosomes. Humans may also be intersex. That’s when it becomes complicated — but only if you are not eager to understand. To the first question (“What are your biological characteristics?”), I can say that I have an X chromosome and a Y chromosome. I produce small gametes (AKA sperm) and I have a penis (a nice little fellow). To my knowledge, my friend Julie has two X chromosomes and produces large gametes (AKA egg cells) and I might over reach because we’re not sot intimate that I have seen all of her, but I do think she has a vagina. Intersex people are individuals born with variations in sex characteristics that are not strictly XX-male or XY-female. They do not fit the definitions of male of female bodies. In the past, you would have called them hermaphrodites but believe me, this is so wrong and offensive. Don’t. I won’t get into much details about intersex individuals as I want to give them an entire article to focus on their existence. Just know they’re here and that your binary concept of the human body, though right for you and most of your friends and family, is no longer valid.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION / SEXUAL IDENTITY

It’s gonna get a tiny bit more complicated as they have one identical word in common. Sexual. You know that word, stop focusing on it. Put your eyes on their companions. Orientation is an pattern of romantic and/or sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex and/or gender, same sex and/or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. Those orientations are usually divided into three categories : heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. Bullshit.

Identity is how a person thinks of him/her/themself in terms of whom one is romantically or sexually attracted to. Or not. The beauty of this new world is that you can pretty much identify with whatever words you feel comfortable with. I used to identify myself as an homosexual man with a 5,5 on the Kinsey Scale. But time and research made me rethink my personal point of view. I still use the terms homosexual, gay (though I have a preference for the umbrella word that is Queer, and the slurs I like to appropriate as my own) but the Kinsey method only include the three orientations I previously cited. I now more and more in phase with being androsexual and it redefined my attraction as a matter of identity.

I’m sure you don’t know what Androphilia is. or Gynephilia for that matter. Neither was I not so long ago. They are terms used to describe sexual orientation as an alternative to a gender binary homosexual / heterosexual / bisexual conceptualization. Androphilia describes sexual attraction to men or masculinity. Gynephilia describes the sexual attraction to women or femininity. Ambiphilia, finally, describes the combination of both Androphilia and gynephilia. I thought I was only attracted to cisgender man but a few years ago, I found myself incredibly aroused at the sight of what happened to be a transgender man. A gorgeous man that I will not named. Though confused at first, I realized that wouldn’t change who I am. I’m still the same person with the same sexuality. I just happen to be attracted to masculinity traits. By applying those terms to the common understand of sexual identity, we avoid bias inherent in normative concepts of human sexuality, confusion and offense with people of multiple identities.

But whatever the term, you get to decide. You can be : Asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others and lack of interest in sexual relationships or behavior) Bicurious Bisexual Demisexual (little or no capacity to experience sexual attraction until a strong romantic connection is formed with sometimes) Fluid Gay Homosexual Lesbian Pansexual (a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities) Polyamorous (the practice and desire of consensual non-monogamous relationships) — yeah, that can be part of your sexual identity. Queer Skoliosexual (being primarily sexually, romantically and/or emotionally attracted to genderqueer, transgender and/or non-binary individuals)

You can even be straight and identify as MSM or WSW (Men who have Sex with Men or Women who have Sex with Women).

Honestly, the possibilities seem unlimited at this point. To the question “What does and what does not turn you on?”, be honest with yourself and don’t be afraid to think about it.

GENDER IDENTITY

Now on to the final curve of this ever-so complicated path. Gender Identity is the personal sense of one’s own gender. It is not always on par with the gender you were assigned at birth. To take myself one last time as an example, I am a cisgender man. Cisgender : an individual whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. Got it ? In terms of gender, I don’t have to ask myself too much questions except socially as I slowly but surely try to break codes about masculinity and femininity. But that’s beyond the point for now. So when you are not a cis person, what can you be ? Someone can be transgender.

Transgender : a gender description for someone who has transitioned or si transitioning from living as one gender to another. Two warnings on this. First, “transitioning” doesn’t mean a transgender person has to change his/her/their you-know-me-down-there surgically. Transitioning means changing things as varied but not obligatory as exterior appearance, name, pronouns. What you do with your body is your own business (more on that in a future article). Second, the word transgender was preceded by two other words : transvestite and transexual. A transvestite is a person who dresses as the gender opposite his/her/their own but has nothing to do with sexual or gender identity. A transexual is the grandparent word of transgender but the term has been rejected by many transgender people as “beyond the scope” (with sexual in it, no shit). I would not use that word unless that person identifies as transexual. But I doubt it. But again, gender is a complex thing and it is associated with identity. And though you cannot chose who you love, who you are attracted to and who you are, you get to choose the words that fit you best. Not cis ? Not trans ? Maybe you are non-binary, or genderqueer (a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine and are outside the gender binary and cis normality). Maybe you are genderfluid. Maybe agender (someone who identifies as having no gender or being without a gender) or demigender. Maybe all or none of the above.

So to the third question I had you earlier, “Who are you?”, what will you say ?

There are no wrong answers. Only wrong silences.

As I get to write these articles one by one, I learn a lot about my people. Where they’re coming from, what they want and who they are. And through that, I’m learning a shitload more about myself, and not only as a queer person. This article was, in the end, only about little boxes available to you. Do not conform to them because they are there. I asked you three questions and expected answers. What if they aren’t any final ones for you ? What’s so bad about that? As long as you get the freedom to ask yourself a double “what” and a simple “who”.

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theonlineidofme · 7 years

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Me and That Thing Called Amanormativity

I implied it in previous posts, which I suppose was unavoidable.

I suppose I’ll deal with the beginning. Well, a sort of beginning.

I am quite sure I have discussed this before, but I was about six-years-old when I realized that the way I felt for people and what people expected was...off.

Of course, I didn’t have the language (it was more than a decade before I would), and I wasn’t that self-aware at that age.

I am quite sure, though, that I had squishes. So I would lie and say they were my “crush” - they being he, of course, being in a highly heteronormative environment as well.

Eventually, I stopped. I just started saying I didn’t know. Then people asked who I would have a crush on if I did have a crush (basically who was my “hypothetical” crush that they must have taken as my actual “crush”)

At some point, they stopped caring. Or they just became more preoccupied with other things, like work, class, romantic relationships (more serious ones, anyway), as this was about high school.

Since I do get squishes (and thetes) I felt broken. I couldn’t understand what I was lacking, and when I got these squishes/thetes on girls I was confused. Highly concerned, too, because I’d been taught that gay people were sinners and awful, essentially. I eventually put that (mostly) behind me as I realized gay wasn’t a label that fit.

It wasn’t until after I began challenging and purging my internalized homophobia that I began to understand the spectrum of sexuality more...

And then I discovered asexual.

And following that, I discovered aromantic.

I was about eighteen at the time (I was actually seventeen when I discovered asexuality, and probably was so too when I discovered aromanticism, but it was only a month or two before I turned eighteen).

I’ve mentioned/discussed that time before, and this next point I have too but...

Now, with amanormativity, it’s more like...I’m left out. I felt this way before, but it feels more intentional.

Things are made for people who feel romantic attraction. There are very few things that are made with people who don’t feel romantic attraction. If that even comes about, we’re demonized (like the Voldemort, who Rowling basically has not interested in romantic love - though there is some conflict about whether he actually feels it).

There are those who say I’m not queer, that I must be straight (pulling fuckin’ heteronormativity into it), because I don’t feel romantic (and sexual) attraction to anybody, but most importantly to them, not to people of my same gender.

It’s...hurtful and exhausting sometimes to see that bullshit, even though I’ve never had it directed at me.

I’m just glad stuff like this exists. Because it tells me not everything is bullshit. It’s lovely.

#aaw amanormativity prompt #aaw #aromantic spectrum awareness week #LCT speaks #aawevents #tw swearing #aawpersonalprompts

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