#THE VACCINE KEEPS YOU SAFE FROM COVID NOT FROM MY BASEBALL BAT

[fallofthehouseofglittter]

when ppl start getting vaccinated and then walking around with their goddamn faces uncovered

#valentina #ru paul's drag race #wear your mask #mask #covid19 #i said this to my girlfriend and she almost died with laughter #but for real ppl are forgetting this FUCKING DISEASE KILLS #and that being vaccinated means you catcg it lightly or not at all #but you can still spread it around #gods haven't these assholes paid attention to their elementary school biology classes????? #(that they still like to bring up to delegitimize trans ppl but that's a whole other issue) #anyway if I see another fucker saying they don't need to mask because of the vaccine I'll do a MURDER #THE VACCINE KEEPS YOU SAFE FROM COVID NOT FROM MY BASEBALL BAT

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL Previews Whatever The 2020 MLB Season Is

Against all odds stemming from a global pandemic and bitter labor negotiations, the Major League Baseball season begins this week. Who better to preview what to expect from all 30 clubs than friend of the blog, Dead Ted Williams. Take it away, Mr. Ballgame.

Hey folks, hope everyone’s keeping cool out there (that’s just a little frozen head humor). Whatever, fuck you. Here’s how this two pump chump of a season is going to play out, and if you don’t believe me you’re welcome to suck my whole ass and hope some Cracker Jack pops out.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

East

1. Tampa Bay Rays - This team’s been preparing for pandemic payrolls since its inception. With the math on prorated pay for 60 games I think Yonny Chirinos has to pay them two grand to play this season.

2. New York Yankees (Wild Card) - The only team who could make us appreciate the Astros doing whatever it took to get them out of our lives.

3. Boston Red Sox - With no fans in the stands Fenway Park is guaranteed to have zero racial slurs flung at Black ballplayers for the first time since Larry Doby entered the AL. Hang a banner!

4. [City Name Here] Blue Jays - If this team was worth a shit Canada would have welcomed them and their American diseases in but as it stands with their current makeup, what’s the point.

5. Baltimore Orioles - Chris Davis has been missing for three days, reportedly he’s been licking public benches hoping for the positive COVID test that will keep him from still setting a season strikeout record in just 60 games.

Central

1. Minnesota Twins - The blessings are raining down already on this season with the geographic schedules meaning no regular season games with the Yankees against whom they’re 0 for their last 78.

2. Chicago White Sox (Wild Card) - Bets are coming in hot and heavy on the young and exciting Sox which means expect another economic crash when that fizzles away like so, so many Sox seasons.

3. Cleveland Indians - The stars have aligned for them to deal away Francisco Lindor for pennies on the dollar in a season where they won’t have to hear it from fans at the ballpark.

4. Kansas City Royals - No.

5. Detroit Tigers - Make it stop.

West

1. Oakland Athletics - I already used up all my material about cheap ass franchises built for this moment who, because God has abandoned these lands, will be rewarded for their austerity by winning ballgames.

2. Houston Astros - On the plus side they won’t have to endure venomous fans on the road but expect their run production to drop by about 200, tougher to cheat when the trash can banging echoes throughout an empty ballpark.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - I wasn’t sure what to do with them since Mike Trout’s expressed concerns about playing due to having a pregnant wife. Balderdash, when I played you didn’t miss games or worry about the births of children since there was only a 1 in 3 chance they’d survive anyway. No one needs to be on hand for that, that’s time better spent in the batting cage.

4. Texas Rangers - What’s left to say about the Rangers that hasn’t already been said about their Costco ass ballpark, looks real bad.

5. Seattle Mariners - If you can name three Mariners you’ll receive a vial of the secret vaccine Bill Gates has in his basement, open your third eye (I can’t open any eyes because they’re frozen shut, but you get the idea).

NATIONAL LEAGUE

East

1. Atlanta Braves - Time will tell if these nobs will be able to perform without their sunburnt hillfolk fans firing them up by swinging foam tomahawks.

2. New York Mets (Wild Card) - If there’s a way for a pitcher to just get COVID in his elbow I trust a Met to find it.

3. Washington Nationals - I’m catching word these are the defending champions, that can’t be right.

4. Philadelphia Phillies - Safest clubhouse in MLB, viruses don’t enjoy spending time around Bryce Harper either.

5. Miami Marlins - Looks like they’re still around, that’s super.

Central

1 Cincinnati Reds - Something stupid has to happen in a 60 game season which is an affront to God, might as well take place in this division which turned its back on the Almighty once the Cubs started contending in it again.

2. Milwaukee Brewers (Wild Card) - A season where starting pitchers won’t be ready to go 6 innings and teams are allowed to carry extra pitchers? Craig Counsell hasn’t been this horny since he found a group that fetishizes men who look like ventriloquist dummies who came to life.

3. St. Louis Cardinals - 2020 has taken so much from us, can we at least get a bad Cardinal team in return?

4. Chicago Cubs - Teddydamus sees the Cubs playing well early before the Ricketts start selling off their players for cash to be diverted to the Trump campaign. On the plus side this season will be the least piss-soaked Wrigley Field’s ever been.

5. Pittsburgh Pirates - I discovered in the middle of doing this that the reports of the Blue Jays playing at PNC Park is now in doubt and my killer zinger about the Buccos not even being the best team in their ballpark has been shot to shit. The National League really is where joy goes to die.

West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers - Caught a couple pitches of their exhibition game the other night, there are cardboard cutouts of some fans in the stands but none of Mary Hart behind home plate. I hope there’s another spectacular flameout on the way from them, that goddess deserved better.

2. Arizona Diamondbacks - I had to look up who finished second in the division last year and it was them by 21 games. I have faith these guys can pull that off again even in a 60 game sprint (sprinting for the Dodgers I should say, the rest of these mopes are more wheezing and calling their moms halfway through the race to come pick them up).

3-5. You could form a combined team of Giants, Padres and Rockies and still finish 10 back of LA.

WORLD SERIES WINNER

Guys let’s just be happy if they’re still playing ball come October. Stay safe out there and just remember, your Uncle Teddy was better than all these scabs.

#mlb #team names #larry king #covid19 #mr met was on the epstein flight logs