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amratsu · 4 years

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alright these girls have haunted me for about a whole month now time to break it all down for anyone vaguely interested in them

hololive/vtuber 101 below the read more

THE FUCK IS HOLOLIVE?: An idol agency except all of its roughly 20 or so girls are youtube streamers who have their identity protected by a live2d avatar. They recently had a very fun live concert and all of them have or will have 3d models, but the majority of content is just them streaming whatever's their fancy at the time. (As of 2/17/2020 a lot of them play a lot of ARK, thank Coco for that) Therefore, they're part of the new form of niche culture called Vtuber.

THE FUCK IS A VTUBER?: Virtual youtubers. Like a normal streamer but, again, live2d portrait instead of their actual face. That's basically it. Content is about as varied as any other youtuber.

ALRIGHT, WHO WE GOT?: Hololive's split into OG Tokino Sora, the girls alongside her who are also primarily 3d, and then 'generations'. Just plug in their names and you'll find their channel easy. Again, variety differs between all the girls, but expect a lot of Nintendo games, chat streams, karaoke, and Minecraft across the board.

-Tokino Sora OG mom slash idol, debuted all the way back in 2017. Probably the only proper idol in all of Hololive. Warm, friendly, relaxing. She mostly does 3d variety streams and song debuts so she's hard to follow without advanced japanese.

-Roboco(-san) Pose happy killer robo with a notably smokey voice and calming demeanor. Plays a large amount of minecraft and first-person games in general; recent streams include ARK, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon remaster, Apex, and Fortnite.

-Sakura Miko ELIIIITE MLG miko idol with a tendency to swear a bit. High energy, fully embraced 'press f', gives herself sunglasses during streams, great friends with Pekora. Also notably into eroge. Did a full playthrough of Papers Please lately and is one of the most addicted to ARK (21 streams at around 4-5 hours each.)

1st Generation -Yozora Mel Sleepy vampire with the occasional killer instinct. Soothing, gentle, kind of lewd. Very much into nintendo games with Smash, Ring Fit, SwoSh, and Mario Kart being her latest content, but she's a little slower with the output. Part of the lewd blonde club with Aki, Haato, and Choco, who were demonetized until recently.

-Aki Rosenthal Cyber elf with detachable twin tails. Pretty similar to Mel in disposition, though less sleepy and more...I want to say 'fantastical'. Recently gained popularity due to her buck naked superhuman beefcake character in ARK, with Kerbal, Go Home, and some ASMR rounding out the rest of her content.

-Natsuiro Matsuri Eternal 17 year old cheerleader from the class next door, Matsuri is a high energy raging lesbian who's also a complete sweetie. Her infamous bandaid clip is what got a lot of western fans into Hololive. Plays a wide variety of games but also twitcasts at random times of the day like when she's in bed or in the bath, just to chat with her viewers about what's on her mind. Well loved.

-Akai Haato The ESL transfer student, girl next door, Haato is, well, exactly that. Commonly traveling for studies, Haato is a bubbly girl with a fine sense for aesthetics; you'll catch her making elaborate builds in Minecraft or playing visual novels during streams, along with a smattering of other games. Notable in that she's the only girl that'll do purely English streams, likely to help with her own education. Also kind of a baka.

2nd Generation -Minato Aqua Disaster masochist maid who's actually stupidly good at video games sometimes. She's both mischievous and hard working, massively popular in China, and, again, stupidly good at games. Soulsborne speedruns, PUBG, ARK (also one of the most addicted), Minecraft (seeing a pattern?), League if you catch her bilibili streams...but she's also the one who will spend a stream calling the other girls and asking them to bully her. Wild card gremlin.

-Murasaki Shion Genius mage who doesn't do a lot with her magic. Pretty well known for her 'neeeeeee', with a distinctly smug avatar/voice. Pretty good at games too, with a variety of Pokemon, retro games, Minecraft, Smash, horror, Mario Kart, etc. Excellent singing voice too, would recommend her covers.

-Yuzuki Choco The totally-not-a-succubus demon nurse at your highschool, Choco embodies :sweating:. Obviously she's lewd, but there's also a silly and petulant side to her that's fun to watch too. ASMR is her specialty. She's also, surprisingly, really into Dead By Daylight, so if that combination sounds fun to you hit her up.

-Oozora Subaru If Haato is the girl next door, Subaru's the bro next door. A very down to earth but energetic and sporty tomgirl, she recently spent three streams and sixteen hours on trying to take down Sans. Other recent things include Live A Live, The Witch's House, and GTA. Refreshingly easy to relate to compared to the other girls sometimes.

-Nakiri Ayame Hello, honored humans~ Hololive's millenium old oni. Has a peculiar way of speaking, especially in her pronouns, which lends a certain charm if you can got on board with it; happy go lucky, easy to like, and really cute on top of all that. Recently recovered from sickness (as of 2/26) so was the last to get on the Ark craze, she's actually very fond of multiplayer games as a way of 'getting to know mortals'. Apex Legends, Mario Kart, Splatoon, etc.

GAMERS: A sort of generation on its own, and also a kind of weird designation when all the girls game so frequently. Oh well!

-Shirakami Fubuki Fox. Not a cat. Super cheerful, makes a lot of weird noises that people turn into youtube poops (that she encourages), and also a helluva gamer. Plays plenty of battle royales, ARK, and of course Nintendo/Minecraft stuff. Infamous for her absolute feral hunter instincts in Project Winter, where she commonly massacres the entire map on her lonesome when she's the traitor.

-Ookami Mio Mom wolf who has to play tsukkomi (straightman) to basically all of Hololive sometimes. Which makes it all the more hilarious during her semi-common charisma breaks, like during Haato's recent English Exam stream. Has been into EDF, Pokemon, Ghost Trick, and Splatoon lately.

-Nekomata Okayu The sleepy smug cat with the most chill personality. Notably very, VERY close with Korone, and in general kind of a playboy in general. Never denies it or any of her myriad transgressions though. Her Mother 2 run has been fun recently, but really you could just tune into her frequent chat streams and relax that way.

-Inugami Korone Dog. An oddball who kind of just goes at her own pace, playing all sorts of weird games like Nyanpo (the pokemon prototype) and weird PS1 retro games. Shows a disturbingly violent side sometimes; her ongoing Blasphemous run and recent RE4 runs have shown how much she's into that kind of stuff. But also she's still a dog, so really don't worry.

Inonaka Music: -AZKi AZKi is closely associated with Hololive but is really more of her own thing, being even more idol than Sora is. Doesn't stream much if at all, has her own album out, does music collabs more than anything else, etc. Helluva singer though.

-Hoshimachi Suisei The vtuber idol who's totally not a psychopath, and totally a goddess at tetris. Like Fubuki, made a name for herself with her psychotic rampages in Project Winter, and also very much unfazed by horror games. Really fucking good at tetris too, doing 98v1 streams lately in Tetris 99, and a godly songstress too. Her karaoke streams are to die for.

3rd Generation: Also known as Hololive Fantasy. These girls are particularly close to each other. If you can find translated clips, I definitely recommend their host club streams where they compete in seducing other Vtubers. (Yes. That's serious)

-Usada Pekora AH^HA^HA^. You'd think she was a cute rabbit, but no! It's a Tewi level shitposter combined with some legit video game skills. She likes playing the heel deliberately just for shits and giggles, like when she nearly walked off with Miko's Nether Star. She's in fact very close to Miko, their relationship being both great friends and great rivals. Definitely one of the most addicted to ARK too; she's been making headway in conquering the ocean.

-Shiranui Flare Handsome half-elf archer, Flare's the designated tsukkomi of the third generation. She's definitely the most down to earth of them, charismatic to boot, and does as she pleases with a relaxed personality and husky, smokey voice. Very very VERY close to Noel. You'll find some really fun playthroughs of various action games like Dark Souls, Bayonetta, and Sekiro on her channel, and thanks to her picking up game mechanics fast they're fun to watch for anyone.

-Shirogane Noel Knight Captain of the Shirogane Knights, Noel's...kind of an airhead, actually. But she's definitely a pleasant, softspoken sort of person who's incredibly relaxing to listen to. Also a big eater, you'll hear her talk about beef bowls and muscles a lot. Just try not to stare too much at her 'pectorals.' As mentioned, VERY close to Flare (they just had a two day long date to a ryokan). Plays whatever with no focus in particular.

-Uruha Rushia The cute, soft, innocent apprentice necromancer, Rushia occasionally comes out of the gates roaring with rage filled screams before chilling out. An absolute cutie though, who loves her fans very much (though really every Hololive member does), her attempts to be cool and reliable lend to some great comedy. She's got a great singing voice if you can find one of her bilibili streams, and otherwise plays a wide variety of things.

-Houshou Marine A~hoy~. The completely safe for work, modern, not-cosplay eternal 17 pirate...and everything I just said was a lie. Most of it anyways. Marine's a riot of a lady with an incredibly dirty mind and dirtier motor mouth, great voice acting ability, and knack for art that she'll happily show off (among other things). Definitely one of my favorites, you'll find plenty of chat and art content on her channel, along with some of the most Ark addiction and a full array of Touhou game playthroughs.

4th Generation: Hololive's newest five girls, it's been a month and change since they debuted. They're notable for working together on some of the most wild content Hololive's put out so far, all helmed by a certain dragon. But we'll get to that.

-Tokoyami Towa The little devil that does whatever she wants, Towa's known for a couple of other things at this point: refreshingly honest personality, Pokemon playthroughs with an eclectic choice in team comp, and her charmingly atypical tomboy voice (though her mic's not amazing). Great singer, super funny if you can find the rare translated clip of her, and was an absolute menace at the recent Hololive werewolf/mafia game. How she managed to fake being a Seer from day one and nearly win, I'll never know.

-Tsunomaki Watame Hololive's bouncy sheep. Ram? Something like that. A very girly, friendly, lightly ara-ara personality, she's an honest and open with her feelings sort of girl. Earnest laughter at chat and games, real emotional tears while watching the live concert with her generation mates, Watame's a total sweetheart who streams a bit of music everyday as the pre-show to Coco's Morning Shitposts (official name). She's also gotten very close to her senpais in some regards...but above all she likes singing, chilling out in Minecraft, and recently playing through a couple Kirby games.

-Himemori Luna If you want to see a completely innocent cinnamon roll looking character say things like 'ass' and 'don't f*cking take crystal m*th', Luna's your gal. Her high pitched, almost childlike voice takes a bit of getting used to but she's a sweetheart that just has fun no matter what she's doing. But she'll also say a bunch of really funny shit while doing it just from sheer juxtaposition of her voice/appearance and the vocabulary. Surprisingly good at video games too.

-Amane Kanata PP Tenshi. Perfect Pitch, Powerpoint...Kanata's a bit of a sheltered honor student sort of girl who has an incredible vocal range, so much you'd be forgiven for thinking she was a professional voice actor or singer. She loves playing along with jokes even if she doesn't get them some times, and is really close with Coco. If not for said dragon she'd be the biggest memelord in the 4th generation, but alas; her channel has lots of collabs with fellow members and a series of cute 'research' videos on the various generations of Hololive. Unfortunately untranslated though.

-Kiryuu Coco The one, the only, the President of Nishinari herself, Coco has been a force of nature since she debuted. Her vulgar sense of humor, rapid fire jokester nature, fluent English speaking, and complete conversion of Hololive to the wonders of dinosaur taming in Ark has made her one of the most subscribed girls in a matter of weeks. Every day at 6am JST or 1pm PST, she does a quick 20 minute gig called Coco News (officially translated as Coco's Morning Shitpost) where she reports on the various ongoings in Hololive. This ingeniously brings attention to the silly crap everyone's been up to, really fostering a sense of community between the girls you don't see elsewhere, while also being a riot to watch as she roasts everyone for their silliness (with full permission). Other notable memes include her stalwart boycotting of Nintendo Switches, her desire to fund a Hololive house, and her recent Hitman 2 run.

#Hololive #Virtual Youtuber #Inonaka Music

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medea10 · 5 years

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My Review of Happy Sugar Life

#happy sugar life #satou matsuzaka #shio koube #asahi koube #shouko hida #taiyou mitsuboshi #daichi kitaumekawa #satou's aunt #anime review

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kenjinasagi-blog · 6 years

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“Its the little things.” - A look into Final Fantasy through the eyes of a 13-Year WoW player.

Hello everyone, Often do I talk about why it is that I quit World of Warcraft after 13 years of nigh-uninterrupted subscription in favor of Final Fantasy XIV. Though with this post, I hope to set the record straight and give examples in one concise post that aim to explain it a bit more fluidly. This will mostly cover the visual aspects of the game, though if you don’t know the epic score that is expected with every Final Fantasy game I would suggest looking that up yourself. As the title suggests, most of it is the little things. Details that WoW lacks. And while the argument can be made that “They’re two different games.” there are some parts in here that are so disappointing. Things that make Blizzard just look lazy in comparison. I’ll be starting with some of the larger details and eventually move on from there to the nuts and bolts that really make this game stand out. I hope you enjoy the read, and consider joining up with us on the Mateus server. One of these spells is not like the other:

This is likely to be one of my favorite talking points. One of the greatest things about FFXIV is the casting animations. Not one class ability animation is shared between two classes. Red Mage abilities are cocky, confident and the Black Mage just seethes with raw power. Class fantasy is something oft talked about with Blizzard when these guys just nail it. Just look at how as I cast Fire IV, you see the sound barrier breaking as the energy leaves my hands to turn into the explosion that it is about to become:

And whats more? Most of the abilities even for the same class don’t share an animation either. While the Red Mage ability ‘Fleche’ has you bring your arms up to call upon swords of ice to pierce your target, ‘Contra Sixte’ has your character vaulting off of their own blade to get up into the air and send a blast of energy straight down at a target. Ninjas when they use their finishing abilities physically jump onto the shoulders of their enemy, no matter how large, just to jab their daggers into its throat. This isn’t even my final (fantasy) form!: I did say that I was starting big, didn’t I? In WoW, I have never in 13 years experienced a fight where I was awestruck at its magnitude. Every single one of them lacked impact, even as we faced down Argus’ world soul to free the Pantheon did it not feel truly breathtaking. This is where Final Fantasy shines. So many of its boss fights, especially in Heavensward and Stormblood are so ridiculously creative and unique. I’d like to present one of my favorite examples: Susano, Lord of the Revel. He is someone faced around level 63 as part of the leveling experience where you and 7 others need to best him in combat. After taking a bunch of damage, he disappears into the floor... only to emerge as a 10 story tall monolith made of water, to which he rips a massive sword out of the ground and proceeds to attack the tank with it.

Alright, sounds par the course. Tank takes damage, fight goes on. Right? Wrong! Your tank engages Susano in a clash of blades, parrying and holding back his massive sword with their own weapon while the raid destroys the sword. And after his second swing when the force of the shattered blade strikes the ground it leaves a broken tear through the middle of the ground for the rest of the fight. This was a leveling boss, and I was blown away by the sheer scope of the encounter throughout.

Home is where SE’s heart is: We’ve wanted it. We’ve asked for it, and eventually we were answered with... Garrisons. While this is a feature that has only recently gotten a lot of love from the developers, the housing system in FFXIV is robust. The way that you design your apartment or house is limited only by your imagination (and a generous item count). You can create anything that you set your mind to, memorable places with character and many different themes from coastal shanties to Eastern diners. I won’t spend a lot of time on this part, its something that you need to see for yourself. And it won’t even cost you a raid tier. ;)

Hide Helm? No thanks: I’ll begin with one of the first things that I noticed when playing this game as it was one of my largest minor gripes about WoW because it, to me, is the penultimate sign of indefensible lazyness that has become Blizzard’s commonplace; Hats and helms. Have you ever put on a really cool looking hat in WoW only to find that your character suddenly has all of their hair chopped off? It ruins the look, and for me makes me almost never want to show helms because of how atrocious it can appear. Final Fantasy not only shows hair under their hats, but it does it differently for every single one of the massive amounts of hairstyles in the game. To where it looks natural, and like that particular hairstyle has been put under the hat.

And for my long-eared friends, such as the Elezen, Miqo’te and the horned Au Ra? Your ears don’t just clip through the armor that you’re wearing. Look closely below and you will see that extra stitching has been added on to make the ears coming through seem natural, like it is meant for that. And even those that don’t do this have armor that comes out over the ears and looks like it was bolted onto the original design, with rivets and all.

The Aesthetic: Yes, I know. The most pretentious and overused word of 2018. Though I would be doing this game a great disservice by not mentioning it. Look at how the rain falls in Kugane which is one of the main cities, the ground becomes slick and players’ cloth armor looks like has soaked through. Even going inside of a building can you hear the rain falling upon the roofs above.

Or how about when fog or a blizzard sweeps through Coerthas, reducing visibility and feeling so natural and real:

When your hair and robe billow in the wind, and outfits look natural and intricately designed. Chestpieces aren’t just either one solid mass, or a body-covering robe. You have jackets, and coats that aren’t just made for casters. And the robes don’t always cover the body, but they always compliment it. And what’s more? Your legs don’t even disappear when wearing them.

Again, Class Fantasy: Some of the issues that show WoW’s age are also related to how stiff and symmetrical everything feels. You run with a staff the same way you run with a sword, the same way you run with an axe. With FFXIV’s design, every animation is different. Here we see the Samurai sprinting animation which fits them, the blade out to the side while their other hand holds the sheath:

And if you don’t like the way your character poses in their idle stance?

Then just change it! All it takes is using /cpose and you can change everything from the way that you hold your weapon, to the style that your character sits in chairs with.

Once more, with feeling!: The game’s engine is extremely smart. Are you doing /hug to a female Au Ra, or Miqo’te as one of the towering male Au Ra? He will kneel down to bring his arms around her. Is she standing on a chair and closer to his height? He won’t kneel down, because he doesn’t need to. Your character will look toward their target, and even some of the emotes change based upon whether you’re targeting something/someone or not. You laugh differently when you’re sitting down than when you do standing up and if you don’t think that’s the tightest shit ever, get the hell out of my face.

At last, the end: In all, Final Fantasy XIV is a labor of love and every single bit of it shows so prominently in the details that they put into this game. From the moment that they decided to rebuilt the failed 1.0 game from the ground up and relaunch it, they have proven themselves over and over again that we, the players, are who they do it for. This is a game that is constantly evolving, growing even larger with every new patch, it has story moments that will make you cry (unless you’re a heartless monster and make it through The Vault’s ending cinematic) and deliver big budget film or novel quality writing. And just in case you haven’t been convinced that this is a project with heart and soul put into it; Here’s something from just last month where Naoki Yoshida, the director of the game and man responsible for rebuilding it dropped by on Mateus, the server that I play on, just to hang out on the E3 Stream and be bombarded by the love, respect and thanks that the players do not owe, but willingly give to him. Show me Chris Metzen walking around Stormwind and I’ll eat my keyboard. My name is Kenji Nasagi, and I’m a switcher.

#FFXIV #mateus #world of warcraft #screenshots #FFXIV Screenshots #gaming #mmorpg #square enix #final fantasy

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bepresent10 · 7 years

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Everything began with Eckhart

As mentioned at the end of the previous post Eckhart led me back to my original and primary calling which is the solid nurturing ground for each secondary, temporary or partial goal I can ever set for myself. My calling (as the calling of everybody and everything in existence) is just to be freely and fully what I am – and express it towards others.

To be the “I am” and know that this is an eternal experience of continuous expansion.

When I say Eckhart I am not referring to his person but to the universal teaching he is allowing to flow through him, giving a form to it. This is the teaching everybody has access to without his or anybody else’s books simply through the pure experience of the ultimate truth of who or what we are. The circumstance that obscures this innate access in each individual is the way of sleepwalking through life completely lost in judgments and interpretations, conditioned and encouraged by society especially in the West, entirely cut off from the pure sensation of being and living in a body.

Can you stop interpreting and evaluating for even just a moment just to purely live what is right now?

If you can, you will know and experience that sensing - each sensation regardless of the content and of the possible concepts the mind could wrap around it - is a sensation (it is sensational!) indeed in the sense that it is a messenger of the miracle that life is.

So Eckhart got me back on track since this track was familiar to me.

I always knew that there were traces of connection to the divine or let’s just say to an extended dimension of human experience in me – I knew it from early childhood on without a doubt. Given my Christian-Catholic upbringing I was trying to recollect these traces carefully putting them together like the yellow stones for my path by studying the Bible and works of theologues, priests and vicars and mainly through listening to my dad speaking words of amazing insight and wisdom.

The secondary school - Dóra

Connection with God – or with my higher Self or ultimate nature – became from an interest to a need in the years of the secondary school. For years I was captured in a relationship of emotional dependency to a friend of mine who after a while started reacting to my actions and vibrations - unsaid but sensible claiming of attention - with open and sometimes abusive rejection. Since I regarded her judgement of me as the most important measure of my self-worth at those times, I went through phases of intense grief and suffering sinking into the feeling (illusion) of being unloved, ununderstood and only worth to be pushed away, globally. I was blind to all love streaming towards me from all directions: from other people and from all phenomena of the world. Instead I was craving the evidence I regarded at the time as the only relevant, the only valid proof of my “loveableness”: her love and her appreciation for me. In other words – as I realized later but still during the period we were classmates and shared a dormitory along with six other girls: I was in love with her. And it had nothing to do with sexuality related to visual or physically based attraction. It confused me for quite a while though since I experienced intense bodily sensations interacting with her mainly verbally, even in her physical absence while conversing in online chat or through text messages.

With time I just figured how I function and discovered the direct link between the awareness of an overwhelming emotional bond, physical sensations and sensuality.

There was a very special, deep understanding between us – we knew we are exceptional for each other and could not explain why. There was this quality of exclusiveness in our private communion; we created a closed inner circle of two and felt like we are speaking a secret language no one can decode – by using common Hungarian words. We were thriving in the intimacy of our secret society separate from everybody else, diving really deep, discussing topics like God, Church, literature, artistic performances, music, group dynamics in our class - hours long in the middle of the night. We were perfectly tuned into each other instinctively knowing one another’s thoughts and feelings.

What scared her away from me initially I think was the parallel she drew between our relation and the one she experienced before me with her kind of “ex-boyfriend” as she was 13. She saw our relationship as reminiscent of her former one in respect to the high grade of mutual admiration and attachment. I think none of us could really make sense at the time of this overpowering emotional intensity constantly vibrating between us. Especially not in the context of us being of the same sex and both knowing ourselves as hetero-sexuals.

It made me doubt and re-evaluate my overall sexual identity and through years I came to the conclusion that conventional sexual labels do not define my identity since I am predominantly emotional. My sexuality and sensuality are subordinated to my emotionality. The urge to express the deep bond I feel by touching and being physically close to somebody is directly proportional to the level of intimacy in the communion with this person.

Nevertheless after Dóra only men came who triggered these feelings for long term in me. Besides there is an additional quality to the energetic exchange between representatives of the two sexual polarities. I guess, when it comes to physical interaction I still prefer men, although it is hard to tell without any experience of the sort with women – so far I just never felt the inclination to gather such, because I did not get involved in intimate communion of the kind with women in the post-Dóra period.

All in all between the age of 15 and 19 I had lots of things to sort out. I felt guilty and hurt most of the time. Guilty of my physical sensations I – considering social standards – adjudicated as inappropriate. Guilty of my surfacing clinginess and neediness fuelled by the abandonment by the one I loved the most.

I started to question my sexuality as the first boyfriend came into my life (I was 16 and half) and I recognized that he evoked the same sensations in me Dóra did (so I concluded in retrospect that I was in love with her too). The difference was that in the relationship with him I got conscious of the female aspect of my personality. I enjoyed it immensely as more light fell on my neglected female qualities (both physical and emotional) in our contrast.

After he left me the grief after him replaced the grief after Dóra. As a consequence Dóra and I made peace and our friendship began to recover. I felt I have to share with her my perception of having been in love with her for a certain period. We discussed it one night in the bathroom of the student home and it was one of the most purifying and relieving conversations I have ever had. She listened sincerely with full attention and answered honestly. The circumstance helped that we were approximately on level in self-awareness. After years of doubt and self-condemnation the first time I felt completely OK. Completely embraced, understood and accepted. I was forgiven since I realized that the only one judging me was neither Dóra, nor God nor anybody else, but only I myself. Dóra is one of those very special friends of mine who can just hold with a caring detachement whatever I am and how ever I feel, without being worried about me and trying to fix me. Because she sees pass my temporary shortcomings, she sees my completeness, my ultimate perfection. In other words she relies on her spiritual sight.

In our personal history though it came to a heavy conflict again towards the end of the 4th year. I cannot recall poignant details I just remember that she started acting in a way I was convinced was not authentic of her and did not reflect her true personality. She engaged in superficial friendships with people I knew she did not have much in common with and went out drinking frequently. Just because I did not (and still do not) have any natural affinity to alcohol especially not for the purpose of socializing I was disappointed by her behaviour and could not accept and respect that her individual path contains elements leading to other places than mine. I felt personally betrayed by her choices. We left high school being estranged from each other and did not get in touch for years.

Throughout secondary school mostly related to Dóra but also to my professional development I was confronted with all sorts of inner conflicts and dilemmas. My sense of self-worth was shaken I thought by external circumstances, by the lack of personal or professional approval of others. I loved the community of the class and of the whole school but I still had the feeling that I do not fit in. I was incapable of showing interest for anything or anybody I did not feel genuine interest for – I was incapable of putting on a mask trying to blend just to be accepted in a wider range. I was hoping to get a better understanding of human existence by reading philosophical novels, the Bible, psychological books, and works of a famous Hungarian vicar, who was a pastoral-psychologist himself. Through these reads I found a connection to the divine indeed and was led back to the state of peace and clarity. I kept a prayer diary where I was addressing God every day with my questions and expressed my gratitude for everything that happened to me, regardless what it was.

Even in the midst of swirling confusion I always knew one thing: happiness does not depend on any external factor. Happiness is the only and ultimate reality which only gets obscured by layers of fear-based thoughts. We have to recognize joy, happiness, unlimited freedom, expansion and love as our essential being and then we have a choice how to project it outwards. Then our actions will result effortlessly from being. We have to realize that we are the source of everything we want to see, feel and experience in the manifested world - and so everything happening to us is a mere reflection of our inner focus.

I always knew it and every true teaching I encountered just echoed and amplified this original knowing. I just did not know how to put it in practice, how to live and create from this place of self-realization.

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