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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, week thirty-three

brief reviews of the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 23 august 1997, 25 august 2007, and 26 august 2017

8.23.1997

25) "You Make Me Wanna..." by Usher

It's at once extremely difficult and painfully easy to stand out amongst the sea of R&B dudes. It's difficult because there's so many, but easy because, on some level, all the other R&B dudes are singing about devotion. They're either pledging eternal love or pledging eternal love on the condition that their intended return, either way, they are saying you're the one, you're absolutely the only person. Usher isn't even going to say he's going to leave his current girl for you. He's saying he wants to, but he's not saying that he's going to start that new relationship, he just really wants to, he wants to ditch this girl for the person he should have been with all along. It's one of the greatest songs about indecision ever made, well deserving of its place in the cultural consciousness.

58) "Hole in My Soul," by Aerosmith

Imagine the look on Steven Tyler's face when he realized hole rhymed with soul. "We can write so many songs now!" I like to think he exclaimed to his other, equally excited band members. "This changes everything!" I dunno, you're asking me to write about a song Aerosmith made at least five years past their prime and 20 years later. Like, I'm not gonna find gold in this swamp just 'cuz I brought a pan to it, y'know?

67) "After 12, Before 6," by Sam Salter

This is an okay song about fucking, but how many horny-ass R&B songs have we heard out of 1997? Like, just by making a song touching on infidelity in a novel and fun way, Usher makes his song more memorable than this synthy ballad of many runs. (Another point in "You Make Me Wanna..."s favor: whoever played guitar on that song did a stellar job.) Like, why would I wanna hear another slow jamz after "You Make Me Wanna..."? What is the utility of this decades-old song about schtuppin'? Hello hi it is 3 AM on a Wednesday I am behind on everything I got a super late start on this post I've barely started the Fall Out Boy post and I wasted ten minutes I don't have trying to wrap my mind grapes around this song.

76) "Have a Little Mercy," by 4.0

how come in songs like this from a group of r&b dudes every member of the group is singing in the first person. like shouldn't the other three dudes say "you should take him back," or am i supposed to believe that all four of these men are spurned lovers who are simultaneously making their pitch. "heck are these other three girls doing here?" "efficiency. our plea will not work unless we are harmonizing." like i wouldn't take any of these dudes back simply because none of them made me feel special.

77) "Supernatural," by Wild Orchid

We have brought up in YAS the idea that, if we didn't know who Fergie was, we would not mind her songs at all, but because they come with the Fergie package, we are annoyed by them, consider them horrible, awful things. I can now introduce ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE to the trial, which is the best kind of evidence IMHO. Wild Orchid had a song in the Top 20 for a little bit. Because I encountered "Talk to Me" in one of those periods where I don't feel like "learning" anything about the thing I'm gonna talk about, I didn't look up who the individual members of Wild Orchid were. TURNS OUT, WHEN I DION'T KNOW FERGIE WAS INVOLVED IN A PROJECT, I ENJOY THE RESULTS OF THE PROJECT A LIL' BIT. This isn't quite as fun as "Talk to Me," and I'm a little disappointed this isn't the '60s jam the first few seconds of the video led me to believe it was going to be, but it's a fun '90s pop/r&b ditty, and also that key change.

91) "Stranger in Moscow," by Michael Jackson

So we're all in agreement that Michael Jackson made a lot of great songs and was probably a pedophile, right? I dunno. Like, he's dead, so listening to his music probably won't hurt anyone, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'll be able to say anything of value regarding this song, because I'm either going to ignore the fact he was probably a pedophile or make a dumb joke about a sensitive topic, I dunno, this item on the list is like a treasure map with no Xs. I'm not about to dig in a billion places just to find one nugget.

92) "Free," by Ultra Nate

All dance music sounds more or less the same to me, yet I somehow mind this a lot less than the rest of the dance cohort. I guess I just think it makes sense to build a dance track around the line "you're free to do what you want to do." Like, yeah, that's a sentiment worth dancing to, I can do what I want, and that includes the hully-gully and other fashionable dances.

8.25.2007

22) "Ayo Technology," 50 Cent ft./Timbaland & Justin Timberlake

"We need a hook for this song. We have the biggest stars in music, the hottest producer on the track doing his usual thing, we just need that hook, something that people will SCREAM in the clubs!" What if we have J Timbies complain about technology? "...Hm. OK. OK. Tell me, I can't remember Fifty's ver -- sorry, Fiddy's verses, but does he mention technology at all?" Nah. "So J Timbies is going to complain about technology..." Just because. "Well should we add any references to technology to the song at all?" Nah. "I LOVE IT! Hit 'em with the suckerpunch! Gentlemen, and you are all gentlemen because this is 2007, we've done it! Another hit which will last in the public consciousness forever! Let us enjoy rich people drinks, like scotch probably!"

45) "If You're Reading This," Tim McGraw

this is boring and we don't talk enough about how tim mcgraw and josh groban at some point became the same entity

56) "The Pretender," Foo Fighters

Rock might be the one genre where "they just don't make songs like this anymore" is an actual statement worth making. Like when's the last time we heard a rock band attack a song like Foo Fighter does here? Even the latest Foo Fighters song felt perfunctory, like rock for the sake of making rock music in 2017, and not for the sake of making something cool and rebellious. And that's not to say there isn't great pure rock being made outside of the mainstream (shout out to Sheer Mag!), but the rock music that's trying to break into the mainstream either feels stale or is Imagine Dragons. Nothing feels even a tenth as dangerous as the first half-minute of the song, where things feel too quiet, where you know Foo Fighters isn't releasing one of their acoustic songs as a single and are waiting for something to happen to fuck you up. Rock in the mainstream doesn't have that danger anymore, and even this song, I'm describing a wait for something you know is gonna happen, not an anticipation of anything that could happen. I enjoy this song, is what I tried and failed to say in the rest of this passage. We're comin' up on 3:45 and I'm only vaguely aware where I am right now because I so rarely leave my apartment.

65) "S.O.S.," Jonas Brothers

These delightful little scamps made a whole bunch of adorable, enjoyable pop/rock music that isn't really worth any sort of deep analytical plunge! I still don't understand how one of these kids ended up making "Chains." Like, I get that Nick Jonas wanted to shed that Disney image, but he didn't need to prance around shirtless like a gigolo just so he could seem more "adult." (Bob are you trying to comment on how we treat male pop stars as opposed to female pop stars?) I'm just saying, I would respect Nick Jonas a lot more if it seemed like he respected himself. I don't think it's very meninist to try to sell sex, y'know? (Bob don't post this.) WATCH ME

74) "International Players Anthem (I Choose You)," U.G.K. ft./OutKast

This song is a miracle we don't deserve. "So I typed a text to a girl I used to see/Sayin that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be/And I apologize if this message gets you down/Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see round town" This song STARTS with those lines. And like Dre's verse obviously gets attention, but gosh, the way the beat is pared down to just the drum and bass when Big Boi begins his verse and the whole song goes quiet as a mouse as he says what he needs to say, it's so good. This song is so good, it's worth forgiving the minor homophobic slur tossed out by Pimp C. Like, aside from that one small unfortunate misstep, this song is absolutely perfect, peak OutKast, almost peak Southern rap, it's SO GOOD! It's so good, man. Hold on tight to the memory of this song, stormy waters ahead.

93) "I Got it from My Mama," will.i.am

"Be a good girl and thank your mama/She made you steamin' like a sauna." BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP "Hello, my daughter!" "Hi, Mom!" "To what do I owe this call on this lovely Tuesday morning?" "I just wanted to say thank you." "Aw! Sweetie! You just made my day!" "Yeah will.i.am wants to fuck me because of how you made me so hot." Who on earth okayed this song. Who heard this and said, "okay." Your reaction to this song should not be "okay."

94) "Over You," Daughtry

One of my favorite things on the World Wide Web (aka, The Infonet) is "How You Remind Me of Someday," which plays one Nickelback song in one ear and a different Nickelback song in the other to show how Nickelback uses the same chord progressions and drum fills in two songs they said were different. There is a video that no longer exists, likely because Vote for the Worst no longer exists (I think they made it), which played this song and Nickelback's "Photograph" side by side to similar results. What I'm trying to say is, rock died despite Foo Fighters' best efforts and now we all have to listen to Imagine Dragons because Daughtry couldn't be bothered to try harder.

99) "Wake up Call," Maroon 5

Like all Maroon 5 songs, this is acceptable.

26 August 2017

70) "The Race," by Tay-K

This was certainly a freestyle. I feel like I'm missing something here, like there's some reason this song charted beyond my limited scope. A lot of the search results on YouTube brought up Lil Yachty, so maybe there's a remix of the freestyle, but I honestly don't give enough of a shit to contend with Lil Yachty after Billboard said I wouldn't have to. I hope he's set free or whatever assuming he's innocent of whatever people claimed he did or that he’s served enough time for whatever he did, again, I’m not going to research because his rap name is dumb and I don’t feel like sifting through Google. I’m sure it’s bad, whatever the situation is.

76) "Patty Cake," by Kodak Black

Nope!

81) "OMG," Camila Cabello ft./Quavo

This is actually a reasonable trap song. I can't tell if I'm actually enjoying this or if I'm reacting to the novelty of a pop starlet trying her hand at a trap impression, but I'm pretty convinced this is a strong, strong attempt at a trap song from someone who probably has no business trying to enter into this genre. I'm also kind of refreshed by a trap song which doesn't create a new gross dick descriptor in every verse. It's pretty alright!

82) "What About Us," by Pink

This is a tasteful amount of '90s dance influence. Maybe it's not just '90s dance but dance in general, I don't think dance music has undergone a ton of change in the past ever, but like y'all get it probably, the way this song is more propulsive than the standard "we've got to do something!" ballad. It has a nice kick to it, is what I'm trying to say, and a nice kick is generally what Pink has delivered in her long and storied musical career, as she becomes the 32nd member of the '07-'17 Decade Dance Club. Would that Choice had hit and Pink could join Tim McGraw and Jay-Z in the Double Dance!

84) "Perplexing Pegasus," by Rae Sremmurd

look. when you put the word pegasus in your song title, i have certain expectations. i am not looking for a boilerplate trap song about how foreign cars make girls horny. i am expecting something MAJESTIC AS IS BEFITTING A WINGED HORSE. this song has utterly failed to meet my rigorous standards for songs about pegasi. i am being informed that the pegasus is also a foreign car and i 100% do not give a shit, give me fantasy trap or give me death.

94) "B.E.D." by Jacquees

This dude seems like a legit vocalist. I dunno, I think 2007 took me to dizzying highs, and 2017 is giving me a bunch of songs that would get a B like it usually does, but in this case, this song gets a B because I think the dude aims to one day do better, more ambitious things than this song. Also, let's consider the moral downfall of America as told by the progression of '90s R&B music. In 1997, we had Usher considering leaving his girlfriend before taking up with a new lover and four nice boys begging that a young woman (or four!) show them mercy and forgive them for hurting her, and the one song that was about fucking was laden with innuendo and operated under a set fuck schedule, “fucking will be taking place in the designated fuck hours.” Like, it was about fucking, but the fucking was inferred, not stated. In 2017, we have this young man saying "I don't wanna love/I just wanna fuck" in the chorus of a song that was released to radio. Also, a Nazi wasn't president in 1997. It truly was better back then.

95) "Chillin' Like a Villain," by Sofia Carson, Cameron Boyce, Booboo Stewart & Mitchell Hope

WE NEED TO MAKE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE FOR THESE DELIGHTFUL DANCING TEENS. This song is woefully bereft of Captain Hook's gay son, yes, but most songs are, so we won't hold that against this delightful dance jam I am in no way qualified to speak about, since I have not seen the film and am also turning 28 on Saturday, like what is this life choice I have made for 30-some weeks in a row.

99) "Havana," by Camila Cabello ft./Young Thug

This is gonna make for a dope Postmodern Jukebox because it's already halfway there, it already kind of sounds like someone listened to "The Girl from Ipanema" and said, "How much can I water this shit down before the song is ready for 2017 pop radio?" A lot, but also, I love the way horns herald Young Thug's arrival, and I think this is the most I've enjoyed a Young Thug guest spot since his verse on that one Drake song. It's really cool that Camila Cabello is exploring all these different genres, and I've ended up enjoying all the songs she's put out this year. I mean, I miss Lorde? I wish we would've kept Lorde around? But Camila Cabello's been pretty dope, her songs are a lot of fun, and I'm okay with her being the current queen of pop, if that's what the world has decided it wants.

Who won the week?

These girls are smart, Three Stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.

2017: 12 1997: 11 2007: 10

2007 on that comeback trail! They’ve got a few weeks to collect Ws before it settles in for what looks like a long winter. Can it overcome 11 songs of 1997 nonsense and whatever OK songs 2017 will bring to us next week? BET ON IT BET ON IT BET ON IT BET ON IT

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