#This comic was so close to being on the chopping block. Honestly I'm still not sure I should have kept it in | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

awkwardshanandagins · 6 years

Text

Costco+Lupron=One Very Stabby Shanda

You read that right, STABBY. As in I'm on the brink of stabbing someone or something. Anyone else ever feel this way? Oh..no? Are you telling me it's not normal to feel like stabbing someone? Well, shit, I've been feeling stabby so hard since about 5:00 p.m. yesterday, just in time for my husband to get home. Lucky him! I got my sixth and final Lupron injection yesterday and this one stays in my system for three months as opposed to the one month injections I've been getting. I don't know if you're supposed to feel much of a difference between the two but dear Lord this one has been a doozy! I have had to try way harder than one should ever have to try to not elbow someone in the face today. That should just be easy, right? We don't elbow people in the face, it's not socially acceptable, therefore we do not have to consciously make an effort not to do so, we just don't do it. Not me. Not today. I've had to make a very conscious decision not to elbow several stupid faces. They're lucky I have some self-control.

At this point, you may be thinking I am a very violent person. As much as I talk about it (and yes, sometimes daydream about it), I would NEVER actually do anything to hurt anyone. I'm a big ol' pussy and I "care" too much about my fellow man or whatever. But, if there was ever something strong enough to make me actually throat chop someone, it would be this damn Lupron. This shit is not for the weak! I know better than to go out in public the first couple days after my injection but I ignored my better judgement, something I do too often.

I decided to run by Costco on my way home from work. Going to Costco while practically roid-raging on Lupron is a terrible idea. Going to Costco in general is usually a terrible idea. I have such a strong love-hate relationship with Costco. It is literally my favorite store while also being the place I hate most in this world. It's not so much the store I despise, but the people inside of it. There seems to be a common theme with me lately, I just really can't stand people. Anyways, after spending almost a full week laid up on the couch I figured running some errands would be good for me. I have to do things while I feel most human and today was one of those days, or so I thought. Hormonally, I don't think it was my wisest decision.

Parking was the first red flag. This dickhead woman stole my spot and I about had a total meltdown. A screaming, crying, ramming my car into the back of hers kind of meltdown. I think she knew how annoyed I was, one because I stared her down real hard and two because she did not get out of the car until I exited mine and walked inside. Another spot opened up two spots away and at this point a normal person would have let it go but Lupron said "NO! YOU WILL HATE THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. SHOW HER YOUR HATRED!" I glared through her window as I got out of my car. I went as slow as possible so I could see how long she'd stay in there. Part of me was hoping she'd get out but the other part of me, the more rational part of me, was like "why? what would you do if she did get out?" I'd give her a good ol' fashion scream cry in the face, that's what I'd do! I always seem to think if I stare at someone long and hard enough, they'll feel my rage burning into the side of their face and they'll know they did something stupid. Man, I sure showed her! In reality, she probably had no idea any of this was even happening.

While walking in, I somehow got behind the slowest couple that has ever existed. They were barely moving but did an excellent job of taking up the entire entry way so there was no way for me to go around. They continued their slow, sprawled out moseying the whole way in, pointing and stopping at every single item; again making it nearly impossible to pass them. My hormone fueled rage did not let me give up however. I got way too close for comfort, did a few NFL approved spin moves and somehow slipped by. What I don't understand is how at the end of my shopping trip in hell, I ended up behind them again! They had to have walked in and straight to the check-out lane. There is no way, with their speed, that they could have made it anywhere else in the store and still ended up in front of me in the short amount of time it took me to sprint around the place. Damn them. Damn them real hard. Slow walkers are literally the worst.

Next, I ended up right in front of a real fun older gentleman. He turned out to be a super douchebag, but by the end of our interaction I made sure to really give him the look of hate and shame so he knew how annoyed I was. To start, he about ran me over with his cart. I was eating a sample as most of us do during our shopping trips to Costco. Let's be real, it's pretty much a given that at least 75% of us are there during lunch time to indulge on these samples instead of eating a normal lunch. Anyways, I do what I do best and accidentally dropped it down the front of me. It had ranch on it and it spilled all over me and splatted on the floor. Trying to be a decent human being, I bent over to pick it up and this mother-effer was so close behind me that he had to abruptly pull his cart backwards or he would have knocked me straight onto my face. I let him go around, loudly said "jeeeeeeeeez," picked up my stuff and walked slowly behind him so he could get way ahead. I was trying to spare his life. About three aisles down, all of a sudden I can feel a cart right behind me but before I could turn around, someone threw a giant heavy box of something into it making a huge crash which about made me wet myself. I turned around and it was the same toolbag who nearly booty bumped me onto my damn face. At this point, I was beyond annoyed, almost to a place of murder, so I decided to follow very closely behind him so he could feel my wrath glaring a hole into the back of his head. He walked comically fast, which I take as a compliment because I obviously scared him enough for him to practically run away.

I decided to skip the rest of the samples and leave before I lashed out and hurt someone, or most likely myself. It was obvious I was in no state of mind to be around other human beings so I made a straight shot for the aisle I needed which luckily was right by the check-out.

You know what people drive me the most crazy? The ones who act like they take precedence over everyone else on this earth. Luckily, one of them was right in the main aisle trying samples with her child while her cart sat in the middle of the busiest aisle there is. It was obvious it was in the way as people were lined up to get around it and were taking turns to pass her. The polite thing would be to move your cart but no, she just stood there shoving her stupid face with quinoa not giving one shit that she was making it difficult for literally every other person there to get around her. If anyone were to get a punch to the throat today, it would have been her. I wanted to slap her quinoa out of her hand and high-kick her cart. Move your shit, lady!

Whoever is in charge of deciding what items go on which shelves is either incredibly smart or terribly evil, or both I guess. All I wanted was the protein powder I use for my morning shakes. It is usually always by the vitamins but you know where they moved it? On the fucking candy aisle! Good God, why? I AM A WEAK PERSON, COSTCO! They know. They know we are all weak and if they put the healthy crap by the delicious and unhealthy crap, we will buy both. What a bunch of assholes. Smart assholes though.

By the time I got up to the checkout lane, my arms were so full of stuff I did not go there for in the first place, that I was walking with an awkward limp, attempting to use one of my legs as a weird third arm to try to keep it all from falling. I was hot and super sweaty at this point, which I'm sure made me look incredibly sane, and the rage had hit an all-time high. What's worse than a menopausal woman? A HOT menopausal woman! A nice man came to my rescue as he clearly saw they had a liability on their hands with me. I left as quickly as possible and tried not to look at anyone for fear if they gave me the wrong face, I might throw my box of items right at their head.

This was not even one of my worst trips to Costco. I usually take Paul with me which honestly just makes it all worse. He is not good in crowds and has a quick temper at times. We are quite the pair right now! One of us usually tries to remain level headed to keep the other one from completely losing their mind and rampaging through the store. He absolutely loathes Costco so I tend to be the one remaining level headed. Hard to imagine, I know. The sample areas are breeding grounds for assholes. It never fails, every time either he or I walk up to grab one, some jerkoff steps in front of us and grabs the last one. I will wait patiently but Paul will boil over and have to walk away while cursing quietly. Actually it's not quiet at all. He does it so loud it usually draws attention. I try to quickly corral him out of there while telling him to talk quieter which usually leads to us bickering until one of us walks ahead of the other one and remains five steps in front for the rest of the excursion. It's obvious there is a marital spat taking place at this point. Any time you see a woman walking five steps in front of a man, you can guarantee a fight just took place. I really should just leave him at home. It never turns out well. Paul can't help but have an angry scowl on his face the entire time. My family now calls Paul's angry face his "Costco face."

My next stop was PetSmart. I should have just gone home but why stop there? Maybe for the safety of myself and others? Probably, but I live life dangerously. There was this bird, or possibly baby pterodactyl, inside PetSmart that screeched non-stop the entire time I was there. Normally, I would be able to block that out but my Lupron brain would not allow me to and instead made it sound like it was inside my skull. I asked the cashier if the bird did this all the time and he said yes while looking like he had been seriously considering murder. I would lose my mind working there with that bird. That damn thing would "mysteriously" disappear one day. Whoa, calm down, I wouldn't kill it, I'd obviously just let it go. Right as I walked out of the parking lot, a car alarm continued the screeching's of that fucking bird. Again, it usually wouldn't bother me but since it was happening inside my skull, I seriously considered running inside and screaming similar sounds until someone shut the stupid thing off. Instead, I got in my car and drove my ass home. I will hide out here until the effects of Satan's saliva wears off and I am a more normal, functioning person.

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am that this will be my last shot! This stuff is no joke. It honestly has been both a blessing and a curse. I truly do think it's made me feel better in many aspects but it has also made me into a complete lunatic. Seriously, if my marriage can withstand this, it can withstand anything!

To those who are considering this medication, please do not let my stories turn you away from it. The side effects I've had really have not been anything compared to the constant pain and bleeding us girls/women with endometriosis suffer from. I've heard people have both amazing and terrible experiences with it. I really urge you to think for yourself on this one and not take others' experiences into account since each one of us reacts so differently to this drug. If you do decide to take it, good luck and God speed! I joke. Seriously though, I am here to listen to you throughout your own Lupron journey if you just need someone to vent to. It helps having someone to talk to who completely gets it. If you decide to give Lupron a try, just a word of advice...DON'T GO TO COSTCO!

1 note · View note