#Wallahi I think if ever have done anything good in my life is to have know this lady and our little bundle of love care and support

[tempsite]

How irony that she always joked about being p*ndan. Not knowing I was the one who ended up acting like one. So weak so coward.

Day 98.

I know I should have stopped the count. The 86 must remain 86. Where would I be the moment you read this? Alive? Or didn't really survive? We're like a bushel of hedgehogs during the winter. Have you ever heard of the dilemma? The fight to either stay warm or to stay safe. Too distant they'll freeze from the cold, while too close they'll get poked by each other's spines. Either way would still hurt them somehow, in certain degree. So what did they do? They dig burrows deep in the soil and live alone.

At least they knew what to do to survive, even in solitude. What about me? What should I do? I neither want to be alone nor I want to keep hurting you. But I want you. I always want to be with you.

And wallahi I miss you so much. I always miss you. Be it the hundredths or thousandths day, I believe I will still miss you like the very first time when I was in the car, driving back home after subuh. That was the moment when I realised how important you're in my life. I prayed harder (I actually still do) for us to get together in both worlds as husband and wife. Then I miss you more and more ever since. The feeling couldn't stop from growing. My heart is so full of love for you alhamdulillah. And your name has become my favourite word. Of course you yourself is my most favourite person.

You're so funny I'm not sure if you know that. When you been dreading and gave excuses to postpone taking shower but spent hours to get done anyway. When you told me you just woke up and suddenly was on the train a minute after. When you asked me to rate my sleepiness while you would only sleep 37 hours later. Where did you get so much energy when day was about to end, I wonder. Also all of our inside jokes, emojis and exaggeration of everything. You're so good at teasing and I couldn't help but to fall in love with you over and over again, each time. I never smiled and laughed that much before I knew you. You've made this sick world so much a better place to live in.

Thank you. I must thank you.

People would definitely make fun of me if they knew the way you cared for me. Apply sunscreen it's hot outside. How's the weather should I ask Google to check? Don't forget to bring your umbrella. Don't talk to strangers - jangan pandang perempuan. You drive today? So can you take your phone with you? Don't eat anything sour. Don't lock the door. Where are you now? Don't you want to go home yet? Did the mosquitoes bite you? Did you get to meet the imam and sit beside him? Have you eaten? Are you in pain? Banyak selawat dan zikir. It's getting late, can you rate? See who's the p*ndan one here. Haha

Anyway, yes the grammar is highly inaccurate here and there. This is not the language I prefer to use to utter my emotions. I doubt to let it be either in the present or past form. I just don't want us to end. I would rather endure the pain for hundred more years than to be separated from you for one whole day. It may sound cheesy and cringe but wallahi I mean what I said.

The thought of losing you enough to be my greatest fear. To be left alone in the middle of a crowded mall. To continuously searching for you but to no avail. So many faces with staring eyes and deafening mumbles, but all are complete strangers. It's so scary to think that one day I couldn't find you anymore. That I have to carry this fear all alone. That you my safe and comfort place, has finally disappeared.

Where else can I find a person who would encourage me to cry. Who convinced me that there's no shame in crying. That it's alright to complain how unfair this life has been treating me. That I'm not any less a man to be weak sometimes. Where else can I find this kind of a person that stays proud of my tiny effort of standing strong despite my shaking legs. Soaked in tears, dripping blood and sweat.

You're the one person that I can go to for absolutely anything in the world. Every tears and happiness, every pain and peace, I know I will always have you to go to, to seek for comfort and courage, strength and solace. I will always in need of you. True, Allah should always be made a priority. But we're human too. It's by nature to want to have a companion, to not be alone while walking through this path of trials and tribulations.

I'm so sorry. I can't do this without you.

...

I'm going to the mosque now insya Allah. Indeed life is so full of surprises. For everything that's good for us, may Allah ease our journey to reach to that. Maybe once I'm back later insya Allah, you'd be here and never disappear.

Wallahi I love you so much, now and forever.

[amourdesoif]

“Woa woa woa that took a turn”

Was his reaction when i mentioned suicidal thoughts. Ironically its mine too when i see them around, inside.

“ okay everyone has bad days but thats no reason to be suicidal”

I know; and if I was suicidal then please do believe me when i say “a bad day” is 100% not the reason ! I have more respect for those who suffer till suicide gets the best of them than to be suicidal over “a bas day”. But thanks I appreciate glad u told me.

“The world is all ups and downs” I know wallahi I really know. But they don’t always come equally. Ups sometimes take too long apart. “It’s like that with everyone everywhere” Well done luv. You just made me feel shit. Say my problems are unimportant. Dont belittle someone’s issues ! However, yes everyone gets ups and downs but nevertheless one must say they’re never always the same. And even if everyone felt the same way or worse that will not cancel the presence of my feelings.

“as much happiness you get, that’s how much sadness youre getting” …

Okay first of all NOPE. Secondly, if anything the sentence should be said the other way around. As much sadness u get u will get happiness. Using reward system theory mate. Thirdly, the world is very unfair. Extermly. So no my love it is not like so.

“Please dont use that word again. Because it scares me”

You askes nicely so I 100% won’t. I do not want to upset you. But that won’t mean that it won’t be present in my mind.

You said talk to me. But I guess instead I scared you. Maybe you are not ready to see the darker side of life. Of me at least.

But youre mature.

I said i see the thoughts floating around. I am not actively thinking I’ll commit suicide. But thoughts of what if i am gone ? What if i am dead? How would i die ? Do i care if i do ? And one thought leads to another. And ofc i am actively removing any thoughts of this type instantly with a way or another. But i cant be always on gaured it’s tiring. Draining. And if am tired sometimes thoughys slip.

What you said made me scared. Tables turned.

It really did. Made me fear the stigma. The prejudice of others. Are others ready to see this “Taboo” “broken” side of me ? Are people not familiar with this ? Will you only see me through that lens? I care about you.

A label. Mental illness.

Not everyone has experienced such sadness. And fewer of those who didn’t, understand.

Do i scare people off ? Suicide. Death. Rape. Theft. Abuse. Loss. Pain. Hurt. Neglec. Chaos.

Once they see this side and start to digest it. They will only see me through that lens ? Stigma?

Stage 2. Chaos.

I was broken. And I break somedays. But there is so much more to me than that.

Yes i feel like i am in a battle. And it’s my battle. But theres more to me than that.

I can love. I can laugh. I can give love and care. I can be the best you ever met. I recall the days I couldn’t do a thing from all these. 1462 days.

I still have some of those days. Bad days. Days where I am physically being torn apart. My organs feels sore, stabbed, pulled apart with bare hands. Ignoring the great indescribable pain because I dont have the right to acknowledged it; my mind is crowded chaos thoughts are everywhere but I understand nothing. Chaos. Outside I’m stone cold. An attempt to tidy my mind. Everyone has “bad days” after all, right?Flash back . Man hands chasing me. My hurt tightens. Man hands hold me. Unwillingly. Something sharp pierces my heart.Do you like it ? Tears. I taste salt. The tears rolling on my lip. I’m now wearing my chaos outside. Silently sobbing. I dont feel safe. Dad. A night and a half later; I’m stone cold. Inside and out. Uncapable of love or living. But… I have to, at least the latter. Auto-pilot.

Like I was saying I still have bad days. But all of it is yes huge. And so fucking heavy to hear trust me i know i carry it around ! But also do trust me when i say there’s more to me than that. It is a big part of me and my past yes it broke me down but it also built me. Perhaps, take it in consideration. But dont only look at me through it.

I love sex ! I love food  ! I love family and life ! I love luxury remindes me of my better past so im working towards it! I have malfunctioning days. But before everyday was a malfunctioning day. Now it’s not so and for that i’m proud.

I have diverted.

I appreciate his intentions greatly and i know he means all good. But skills are yet to be developed. Perhaps im in his life so he learns this.

Or perhaps for me as reminder to take pride in what I reached.

That’s whats on my mind honey.

#personal #depression #ptsd #him #thoughts

[iheartallah]

AsSalamu alaikum rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, I'm a 19 year old girl & I think I'm starting to get depressed I left university I don't even know why I left i guess I started to lose myself I feel like I gained so much weight wallahi I even hate my self sometimes, I avoid going out in public because I have low self esteem I always tell people I don't care what other people think of me I but really do care & alhamdulillah I started repenting but I still sin so I even hate my self even more. 😒

Alikum Salam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

It is normal for one to be conscious of their physicalappearance – and especially in this day and age, it can be very difficult forgirls to be ‘satisfied’ with their weight, given how much pressure women facedue to the media constantly pushing images that dictate what the female bodyshould look like. So if you do care about how you look physically, know thatthis is normal. If you are not satisfied with the way you look and think you havegained weight, firstly understand that it is impossible for everyday girls to look like models in tv shows and magazines.

At the same time, if you do think you are overweight, I wouldurge you to do something about it. Not for the sake of others but for yourself.Speaking from personal experience, leading a healthy lifestyle has manypositive impacts on our personality. From mood-elevation to a boost inself-confidence, exercising can improve your life overall, for the better.

So firstly, I would suggest you to make a conscious effort to address what seems like the root of the problem – start following ahealthy lifestyle. Make smarter choices in terms of what you eat and what yourmeals comprise of. Secondly, I would suggest you to join the gym or, if you can’t join a gym, join some sort of an aerobics/exercising class – you can evenworkout at home given how much information is present on the internet aboutworking-out at home. You need to understand that you aren’t going to beworking out for anyone else or because you care about what people think of you –you will be doing it for yourself. Itisn’t going to be about losing weight – its going to be about challenging yourselfand your body – slowly inShaAllah you will start to notice an improvement inyour mood, physical appearance and motivation.

Also, I would advice you to join university again. I don’t knowwhy you left it you probably had a good reason to do so and, while I am noexpert on depression and its causes, I do know that keep yourself busy makes awhole lot of difference. If you don’t have much to do throughout the day, youmay fall deeper into depression because you don’t have much to do that willkeep your mind off your own worries and stresses in life –  for example university assignments to getdone, classes to attend, things to learn, etc. Also, in the long term, in this day and age, being educated can sometimes make the difference between leading a balanced lifestyle and suffering from poverty - Alhamdulillah today in your life you may be financially stable and have people to depend on financially but in the future, you don’t know what’s going to happen - you always need a degree as a backup atleast to know that, if you ever need to support yourself financially, you have the education necessary to do so.. and if Allah SWT has given you the opportunity to attend university, take advantage of it and give it your best - remember there are millions who, due to financial constraints, are unable to get educated - but you have this opportunity - who knows one day maybe your education will help you support many others in need inShaAllah! 

So I’d say most importantly, keep yourself as busy as youcan, whether it’s with uni, some sort of social work, gyming or exercising,learning the quran, taking an Islamic class or just making sure that you have alot to do during the day – this way you wont be able to fall into the spiral ofthinking you’re problems are larger than life.. at the same time, if there issome other root cause of your depression that you haven’t mentioned here, youneed to look within and try to find out what that is and fix that particularsituation if you can. 

Start taking small steps and soon enough, within a monthstime, inShaAllah you will start to notice strong positive changes in your life.One of the main pitfalls of being depressed is that it ruins your motivation. Rememberthat remaining motivated and making sure your are moving ahead in life andworking on being the best version of yourself is up to you alone – no one can dothis for you, you have to do it for yourself.

As far as committing sins is concerned, remember that allhuman beings sin, but the best of those who sin are those who repent. I don’t wantto make this answer much longer and hence will attach some links at the end ofthis answer you can refer to that I have answered previously (related to sinningand the guilt they bring)

Lastly, I urge you to read these dua (1, 2) and also listen to these reminders (1, 2, 3, 4) as they may be beneficial to you inShaAllah. Also remember that I am no expert atdepression and if you think your problem runs much deeper than what you have describedit as in the question, you should seek professional help. Keep asking Allah SWT for help and inShaAllah He will show you the way.

Take care and feel free to reach out if you ever need adviceabout anything in the future.

Previous answers: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 

#quest

[yourakh]

I wanna run away and be liked by one person for once in my life I'm everything that could be wrong with a girl religiously I have so much anxiety and get do well in school anymore I think I'm just a bad person I have so much anxiety I feel like I'm going to die I have no one to talk about anything with I'm so selfish I know there are more important things I in the work than how I'm feeling I just want to feel like in belong even Muslims make me feel like I can't join Thanks goodnight

Why do you wanna run away? How do you know it will benefit you? Anxiety! What is it about? Why do you think you are bad person? Have you ever done something that will make you feel like that? You are not going to die unless He wills it and If He makes that your time...its good to think about death still but dont overthink...You a sister you got so many people here who would talk to you and help you, they would just listen to you and give you their now its up to you to try...—Yes people around the world are important but you are a part of this world and part of Muslim Ummah as well and its just like people describe it to be; If one part of the body is in pain than the whole body will feel it... as for Muslim well idk about the people around you but Wallahi anyone here would love talking to you, just try talking to the sister and they would hopefully make you feel welcome. May Allaah make everything easy for you and bless you with righteous friends. Ameen ya Rabb.

[aweglemoo]

i have a story to tell you. it was October 2014 i think, i was an OC (or more specifically an Official Photographer) for this Breast Cancer Run that was organized by Manchester Society. i ran 4 KM while holding the big ass camera and when i’m done and were socializing around the koleya, a kid with scruffy hair and spectacles ask me to take photos of him and his friends.

you know what’s wrong? he looked so nervous when he asked me that. like i REALLY want to ask him THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING NERVOUS FOR I DON’T BITE PEOPLE but of course i didn’t, being a kind and nice person i am 🙄

fast forward to the next encounters. afer we’re done with adding on facebooks and everything. one thing i noticed is that HE ALWAYS GET SO EXCITED WHEN HE SEE ME and i was like eh daaa there’s something wrong with this kid bgad hahaha. and then after a while i get to sit around with him and talk so i found out he’s quite an interesting person.

among the first things he told me about is he don’t like people in koleya that much. because they are not exactly the people he wanted to hang out with except that he don’t really have other options. he told me he REALLY like Pink Floyd, which he recommended few songs to me and i proceed to listen to it at night but it’s not really my kind of music.

and ohh he told me he liked this one girl and couldn’t get his mind off of her and i gave the advice that sounds something like “you should tell her so that it won’t bother you anymore like if she likes you back heeey that’s awesome but if she’s not then 5alas you have to be sad for a while and then you’ll move on.”

until one day i met him while he was sad and asked him what’s wrong and he told me “i told her that i liked her but she told me she didn’t feel the same way” AND I WAS LIKE OHHHH FUCCCCKKK HE TOOK MY ADVICE LITERALLY AND NOW HIS LIFE IS RUINEEED BRA-FUCKING-VO FAWWAZ ENTA GAMED NEEK WALLAHY

i like him. he’s sincere in things he do and i can see that. just by the way he uploaded a single post-gym selfie on snapchat in a span of 6 months, and not a single shirtless photo on social media unlike his friend Hesham and Hesham. (this actually has nothing to do with sincerity??? but like i don’t get it?? but it’s still so impressive?? like MashaAllah you’re a good person to resist the temptations keda???)

and i also like him because the way he treated people around him. he told me that his bestfriend Khaled is straying away from him. but he can’t do anything about it because Khaled looks happy and he don’t want to interfere with his happiness. which is stupid thing because Khalid won’t be happy without him around. which is true when you see how great their trip to Siwa is because they’re among closest friends. that’s what makes it so special. he also called his mom to tell her to prepare the lunch, because he knows his mom liked it when he eats at home and he just want his mom to be happy. (that day when we’re walking and he’s done calling his mom i was like fffuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk now i miss my mom so i went back and cry for like two hours lol) and i somehow know that when Manar told him that she has feeling for him, he told her that he couldn’t reciprocated the feelings in the most endearing and kind way ever. he kept reassuring her that she shouldn’t be sad about it, and that it’s normal to fall in love with someone, and that he will always be there for her as a friend.

but most of all i like him because he’s the most resilient motherfucker out there. one that always fall down but didn’t stay so. that took few days to get up BUT HE WILL, get up. that things might look shitty to him for now but he always have this emblazened faith that things will fall to its places and everything will be okay. that’s what i admire the most about him. his courageous heart and kind soul.

i love you Mohamed Ezzat Jawad. there’s not a day goes by without me thanking God for your presence in my life. i am so sorry that these few days i was a burden for you. i myself is struggling with my problems, thus needing your courage more than ever. i’m glad that boy asked me to take his photos after the run. but most importantly i’m glad i’m there to see you grow as a person. and may growth comes along the way with you in these years.

happy 21st birthday. i hope this year turns a good one for you. you know damn well that if i’m in Egypt i would’ve throw a big party for you and spend hundreds on gifts just to show you how special you are in my heart. but sadly i’m 8000 kilometers away and i actually tried to do something but i fucked it up big time and i couldn’t find a plan B for it. so for now, this text is the only sincere thing i can give to you, until you come to Malaysia to give me the biggest hug ever.

but i hope you have a good one, even without me being around i hope you did go out with H or with Khaled or Khafagy and have a good time on your birthday. it will help me feel better knowing that you did.

well i guess this is long enough. i miss you so fucking much and i hope we’ll stay friends forever. i love you E 💕

#personal #i #really wrote all of that

[petalofjasmine]

You never know what's coming for you

And so the title says itself. You never realise how true this statement is until something unbelievable actually does happen to you, regardless of it being good or bad. It happened to me today, and it's definitely not something I am proud of. Today is the day whereby things had gotten me to believe how shitty my life is. So this is what happened. I was getting ready to meet up with my friends, my friend was going to come and pick me up at 12. I was very enthusiastic about the meet up because I haven't seen them in a long while, and I was looking forward to having lunch and buying things for myself because I haven't been doing that for ages; school, ugh. And then, when I was absentmindedly ironing my tudung that I really looked forward to wearing, my lunatic grandmother came in and told me to look up for one of the episodes of the kdrama she was following through. I was already running late and I wasn't finished getting ready yet so I told her no I wasn't going to do it. Then suddenly she stumped right out of my room and yelled ridiculous mean things telling me that I was "kurang ajar". I let that one go because I didn't want anything stupid like that to ruin my mood. Turned out it got even more stupid, because then my other lunatic family member (that I deliberately secretly hate-my aunt) went in and told me I couldn't go and that my grandmother won't let me. I was so blown away by all the ridiculousness that just happened I marched to her room and told her that alright fine I'll do it later i'll look up for her stupid korean show but then something even more bizarre happened, she yelled at me multiple times and threw the tv's remote control at me. I was completely in awe. I had no idea what had happened. I didn't even raise my voice to her when I said no. I was clueless. So then I called and told my mom who was miles away from me with tears running down my cheeks because I couldn't handle the shit I had to put up with, my mom decided to ask my aunt about what just happened. Ten minutes later my aunt came in again and yelled at me for telling my mom that she screamed at me. I was flabbergasted because that was absolutely not what I had said to my mother. She misunderstood the whole thing and yelled at me letting the bitch inside of her escape the leash. Wallahi I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried for so much and so long. I had to tell my friend I couldn't go, unwillingly and continued crying. I cried so hard, thinking what had I done wrong, because up till now I really believe that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I wasn't even as "kurang ajar" as she claimed me as to start off with. I was terribly devastated and hurt. I got yelled at twice today for something that I didn't do AND didn't get to spend time with my friends I don't know if today can even get any worse. Today has been some of the shittiest days of my life. I wasn't expecting ANY of this to happen and that's why i'm putting the title as what it says. You really never know what's coming for you, and sometimes, there's nothing you can really do about it. I'm still here being left feeling hopeless as ever, doing exactly nothing. I hope God will one day let them pay for what they did, for I have no power at all to punish them.