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ptsd-phoenix · 3 months

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February 16 2024

I was about to type here that I am having lunch in this triggering place without a single fear and feeling utterly relaxed. Which was entirely true. I felt so at peace and calm. As soon as I typed out the date above in this post.. my abuser appeared, ha! What are the odds. (Quite high to be fair, which is why this location is triggering and I do exposure at it) I have chosen to sit differently today to challenge myself for more exposure which means I am facing the direction he is about to be seated. This will be interesting.

I am nervous and shaking. Breathing faster. I'm going to face this moment head on though. I will attempt to sit here until I approach a more relaxed state of mind. I must say I am afraid to look up now since I am looking down at my phone to type this. I am quite terrified to make eye contact with him.

I just looked up and he has chosen to sit with his back facing me. This is a nice development. Does this indicate he is also afraid to be confronted with me staring at him? Does he not want me to see him? He did choose a seat near me though. Perhaps he wants to be close yet stealthily. I could see him approach the building because I have a window seat and in my peripheral vision I noticed he stopped to look at me before entering the building. I wonder if he was deciding whether or not to still have lunch here.

I am starting to slowly shake less. I really don't want him to see me shaking. I want to appear completely unaffected by his presence. Like he means nothing to me at all. As if I have forgotten him and don't even know who he is. As if I would have to say: 'excuse me, I don't know who you are? Have we met before?' I want him to feel insignificant in my life.

To be honest it is quite weird to be seated in a lunch room in close proximity to a person who has attempted to completely destroy your life. I did EMDR about this person yesterday. How strange that they can just be seated there. It's almost laughable. Monsters really just walk among us don't they. I just noticed my shirt has an angry dog on it who is holding a knife in its mouth, haha. It shows not to mess with me I guess.

I take joy from the fact he is seated alone. He might be thinking the same in reverse. If only he could see me sitting here with a friend. Although being seated here alone shows my bravery and strength. I am glad he is not sitting there with another potential victim. I don't trust him to treat anyone right.

I take small glimpses at him sometimes but I am avoiding looking up from my phone. It scares me to think of him looking around into my eyes. His eyes scare me a lot I think. Having eye contact also means acknowledging each others presence. Right now I can just pretend to not be aware he is even here. I like to keep pretending. I also feel pretty much physically unable to make my head face his direction. This must just be the fear. I am breathing more calm and shaking even less. Yet I feel frozen to keep looking down at my phone. I want to challenge myself and look his direction but it's hard. It brings a lot of fear.

I looked. I'm proud of myself. It was scary so my heartbeat went up again. I like how this is real time live blogging my exposure. I just feel it would be very interesting for me to read back in the future.

It is also my goal to calm down enough to feel at peace right now. Even with him in close proximity. I want my body to know that his presence is not dangerous in this public setting. He can't hurt me because there is too many people around.

My fear is still pretty high. I'm not shaking as much though. I wonder if I can make myself look again. I did. Apparently in this meantime he has put on a beanie, lol. I wonder if he is as distressed as me. I'd almost want to stare at him and observe him. I have the upper hand in terms of being able to observe him from behind. Him turning around is too frightening of a prospect though.

I might just leave. I don't want to get a parking ticket, lol. I'll have to walk right past him to get to the exit. I hope I don't drop my plate with nerves, hahaha. Fear is for sure rising at the thought of passing him by but he can't do shit. He is just a pathetic guy. Sitting at a lunch table. He can't hurt me now. I must believe in this.

Let's go

part 2, written same day once home

I was able to leave the place feeling pretty strong. He followed me out which is weird cause he also did that last time. I wonder if it's truly coincidence or if he waited for it (I'm very much thinking the latter, but who knows). I didn't feel afraid of it though because I felt he was weak. I took a diversion which made it so I was behind him instead and then went to my car. He didn't follow me there so all was good.

Part of me wonders if he enjoys being able to sit in my proximity and have a look at me. Especially considering his previous stalking behaviour. I am curious whether he thinks I notice him or not. I don't care if he enjoys it tbh. I am just using these opportunities to realize he isn't dangerous in public settings and I can freely do as I please without him harassing me.

#phoenix posts non poetry

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thistlecatfics · 1 year

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I mean, *someone* has to ask you about Andromeda for the hp character therapy ask, right? Maybe after a few different 'milestones' in what we know of her life? (Loving these btw! <3)

Doshu!! I hope you know I’m answering these instead of working on a fic I’m gifting you lol.

Omg Andromeda.

So I really hate working with parents haha so I’m going to pick two pre-mother times and try not to totally lose myself in my answers

Just after she runs away -

I could see this going one of two ways-

First, the transition is just extremely overwhelming, and therapy is just focused on her adjustment to the muggle world. (definitely billing this as an adjustment disorder lol.) we’d do grounding skills, space for venting, validating her feelings around inadequacy when she doesn’t understand things and also utilizing a strength based approach focused on utilizing her strengths to adapt.

Also - assessing for alcohol use disorder, harm reduction around that, nonjudgmental support, potentially some motivational interviewing though it’s not so much my vibe, doing a lot of skill building in early sobriety to cope with the sheer amount of bad feelings she now has to endure

OR - she’s one of those people for whom as soon as they get out of their family (or any other abusive situation), they just need to verbally get it out. Each session would just be venting about a different family memory without a lot of feeling associated (beyond protective anger). She doesn’t want to talk about this stuff with Ted or with anyone else so therapy is that space.

In either case, I’d hope she’d stick to therapy long-term and actually get into the emotions behind those memories. (After she takes a break to have a baby - then it’s just more coping skills and venting time.)

Validating that she can still love her sisters (and Sirius), and that’s ok.

I headcanon her (obviously) as experiencing sexual abuse from both Cygnus and Bellatrix, and I would (totally not projecting here!) imagine it takes 5+ years for her to admit that in therapy. We spend a lot of time with just nonjudgmental support and then potentially doing EMDR with the core beliefs of I’m defective. (Young child Tonks is actually a major trigger, and that's a big reason she starts talking about it and feels moved to process it.)

Or, she’s a teenager and she’s sort of quietly acting out/breaking down and she’s made to go to therapy. (would her family ever make her go to therapy? Lol it’s a game of pretend.)

She does not trust me. Ever. Every adult is a potential spy of her parents, especially if they’re being paid by them.

We just do coping skills work, and she vents about schoolwork and academic pressure, and I think she’s not actually absorbing anything until one week she casually mentions she used 5 senses when she was overwhelmed and it “helped a bit” and then transitions quickly to talking about her potions essay. (I leave the session and do a little happy dance I’m so thrilled that she utilized something from therapy.)

(When I learn she ran away from her family because it's a public scandal, I’m over the moon and need to process my intense counter transference in supervision so I don't do something inappropriate like send her a congratulations/I'm so proud of you letter.)

Oops lost myself in the answers haha. no one is surprised.

#andromeda black #andromeda tonks #hp characters in therapy

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misssugarpinkshome · 1 month

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Author Update!

Hooooo boy it's been a little bit! Hope everyone had a great January, February, and March. Woops.

Anyways, author update under the cut since it's bit of a longer one, but I just wanna say, thanks everyone for reading and support. I write these chapters for myself, but I'm also in love with comments, and knowing folks might actually enjoy what I write is a major factor on WHY I write.

So, let's just go in order, shall we?

House is doing great, we did in fact hire someone to help us. Not sure if I mentioned that, lol. My partner did a big brave thing and purchased a countertop dishwasher, which... holy shit cannot recommend enough, IT IS WORTH THE MONEY Y'ALL.

MY PARTNER IS TITLESS!!!!!!!! They finally have a body they like, or at least way better than they had before. They're out of recovery now, but obviously, caretaking for them while they recovered made it so I couldn't update easily.

Me and my therapist discussed starting EMDR in the summer, which. Nervousness, rising, but also, I'm so excited. I want to start processing some of this trauma and shit lol.

Grading did not fucking get better, lol. It's Term 4 now at least so we started with a blank slate.

March came and went pretty quickly, but lord it was exhausting, and I really burnt out due to work. Writing was next to impossible. I wrote this chapter in like 20 pieces and just puzzle-pieced them together and moved everything around like 50 times. It's been a looooong editing process for this one, but I think I like it moving in this direction!

SO NOW IT'S SPRING BREAK AND ME AND MY PARTNER ARE BUYING A FUCKING HOUSE I'M SORRY WHAT?

Yeah that's kinda the biggest news. Me and my partner are working on buying a house. I can't believe that. Obviously, stress abounds, but thankfully, this settlement/vacate date are aWHILE away, so we have time.

I'm just... kinda floored by that. Wow. I'm an adult, that's fucking bizarre. We've been wanting out of this basement apartment we've been in for awhile now, or at least I have. It's unfortunate, because the rent here is fucking insanity... but I also don't have natural light throughout the day beyond the living room, there's bug infestations everywhere, there's mice and spiders and just.

I wanted out. And now it looks like that's coming for me.

<3 Love you all!

#chapter update #author update

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soullikethesea · 2 years

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Finally saw T today and it started out super awkward. I was nervous and hyperventilating, but really quiet at the same time.

T tried to start a conversation about the last talk we had, about EMDR and such. But I had kind of dissociated that away, so I had zero thoughts about that. :/ Eventually I stammered that I felt stuck, that I wanted to share more, but felt stuck.

T got out some peg dolls and I cried just looking at them. It felt waaaaay too scary to deal with any parts stuff. But then T asked me about how the crying felt in my body and I switched to R. R talked about how the crying was kind of a result of having the urge to run away, but staying put. She cried a lot (T called it a waterfall, lol). Eventually T asked if I was in freeze, and R asked what that means. That cued T into knowing there was a different part. R talked about how she should stay still, because otherwise her daddy would get angry (and that she was scared of her daddy). T explained that he wasn't there and that it's okay to cry now. She said that she can see that Scholar (the one who keeps this blog ;) ) can talk about what happened, but that she (R) knows more about what it was like and that she is very very scared... cue more crying. Then T got up and offered us some tissues, repeating that daddy wasn't here now.

I could feel R calm down more, but I was too far to intervene or do anything. Mae and Lucas were both much closer and we debated a little bit about which one of them would be least likely to get into an argument with the T if they would front. Mae ended up fronting.

Of course she bragged about how she never cries and is therefore super safe. She shared about the young attachment-focused part that made us sick last week. She also discussed some frustrations she has with me, like how I generally don't want her to be there (front) in therapy. The T asked multiple times if she could please know her name and eventually Mae shared it. T also emphasized that she likes talking to her and that all parts are welcome in therapy. She also said that she likes Mae. (Ironically, I think that is the truth... Old T could not stand Mae, but she was fine with Lucas. This T doesn't seem to match well with Lucas instead).

T also said a bunch about how we should work together more.

All in all, pretty shocking that having other parts front seemed so much easier for the T than my usual struggle to contain myself and be as stable and solid as possible. T seemed to hint that she thinks it would be a great idea to have more switching in therapy.

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quiltwork · 3 years

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Processed another trauma, don’t know if I really wanna type it up. Went on my first ever vacation, and came back Mega depressed and suicidal, dissociating and getting drunk?? Wild

#Went on TheHopeLine chatline for help again #like I've been doing for 2 1/2 years #Didn't think it was such a big deal until they were like #Go away you need long term help #cut the chat on me #Now I'm desperate again #trying to figure out my life other than my traumas #I'm SO Positive if I'm honest with my therapist he'll be like #We don't do that here we just do EMDR lol #I'll be like oh cool guess I'll die shrugs

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thistlecatfics · 1 year

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ooh TOM RIDDLE PLEASE for the therapy HC game. either as an 11 year old before/alongside starting hogwarts, or in fifth year following the myrtle incident 👀

omg I was thinking about Tom Riddle on my run where I was considering different characters. I accidentally went on for a while with this one haha.

11 years old -

I should refer him out since I don't work with children but that's kind of a boring answer haha.

The key thing would be offering a safe, secure base! Also, we'd do work on feelings identification. Also coping skills for those feelings. It would definitely be structured more like adult therapy (or at least given that gloss) because he would HATE feeling like he was being treated like a child.

If we had the opportunity to keep working together, I think we'd do some identity stuff from a social justice lens -- especially around class and blood status -- and working to help him get comfortable with himself and all of his identities.

We'd also do some sneaky case management work (eg food, housing, transportation) though it would always be framed as very empowering and include pieces he is able to do on his own rather than things adults are doing for him.

Would love to do EMDR with him too (same core beliefs as below -- I'm bad, damaged, worthless etc)

5th year -

ooooooh. I'm imagining he'd be forced to go into therapy as a part of healing from the trauma of being a hero and saving the school but losing myrtle?

Trust building would be SO hard and so important. I'm not sure I'd be able to do it honestly. Limits of confidentiality would have to be very cleared outlined.

I think he'd just go into it like a checklist and like another class and wait to get a good grade and impress the adults and then leave.

My only strategy would be to be VERY honest with him and have him get involved in the treatment -- making it more about teaching him psychology and therapeutic treatment techniques than about treating him like a client but he's still the client, and I am managing to get some subtle support in there. (But more like, here are skills that will be useful for you in the future!) I think he's desperate to brag to someone about what he did, and it's possible I could make it me.

IF we get the opportunity to do deeper work (which I doubt but I'm an eternal optimist), I'd want to do EMDR with him - probably around value-based core beliefs (I'm bad, I'm worthless, I'm damaged) and try to move those to things like "I'm ok as I am."

If I were his therapist, I'd get really tempted to break confidentiality when he tells me about his first meeting with Dumbledore so I can go yell at Albus lol

#tom riddle #hp characters in therapy

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