#also i can't bring myself to like block people bc again weird problems but i curate carefully enough that that's never a problem for me

[hauntedpearl]

.

#I'm thinking about like. how anxiety can cripple my articulation again like. when put on a spot. i don't feel like j express myself as well #as i can. and then i feel guilt over it especially when people end up picking irresolvable arguments with me because i feel like i #overexplain myself and the other party just straight up categorizes me as the Bad Person ahdgjskd which makes me more anxious aggsjddk #(yes this is about the thing i elft tumblr for in part but not fully. like ik it's been three months but it was v traimatizing lmao) #(like every time i start thinking about it i know im on the brink of an anxiwty attack again and then i just. shut down ahgshdke FUN IT'S #SO FUN!!!) #anyway. my point is. im very. like. careful with how i curate my space on other social media because i feel like there's ~ c l o u t ~ #involved and it's also some weird sense of obligation that i can't shake. i put it down to self-importance honestly bc i don't have a big #platform or anything but i feel like even the ability to influence someone in a small way is like. RESPONSIBILITY. #with tumblr i dont feel that responsibility. i don't actively follow people who are spouting hate or have beliefs which are honestly #really fucking outrageous. like. terfs can die i wouldn't feel bad. samr for racists lmao. or nazis. the usual fodder right #but i tolerate aphobia to an extent. bc *I'm* ace and ive interacted with the group #and most of them never actively say anything. the ones who do are ignored but others im like. i will take yoir jokes but nothing else.yk?? #it's a strange system but it's very stress-free for me and i curate it that way for whatever reason #even now i feel like I'm not expressing myself properly. like.. it's not about agreeing with a certain belief. it's about my personal level #of comfort/discomfort. and how much im able to tolerate from a person before i say enough is enough. #also i can't bring myself to like block people bc again weird problems but i curate carefully enough that that's never a problem for me #all this bc i saw some post about kids being afraid to consume certain media bc they're afraid of being ousted from their social circles & #LIKE YEAH. I MEAN. IT HAPPENS FR. AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL? SO??. #HMM ANYWAY. i don't even post desinatural anymore that used to be my thing it makes me so sad :( #personal lmao. #dony even reply to this this is Nonsense ™ #i have friends outside i am okay it's just a trigger so im ranting #bYE

[seraphim-soulmate]

22 October 2023

I'm sick with grief I'm sick with longing I'm sick with wanting. someone come put me down please. im longing and wanting vague concepts and I don't have a focus for my energy and I want to curl away and rot rot rot alone and unloved and dejected.

maybe the reason I put myself in positions of caretaking is so someone will need me. even if I don't want that, the desire to be needed and wanted is so profound that maybe I put myself in worse conditions just so I don't have to confront my people pleasing and how to have/keep friends bcs there's just so many relational problems that I have that I feel unfixable but I KNOW that's not true and I KNOW everyone is a little bit weird relationally it just hurts so so bad when you keep being shot down and how do you not take that personally. it's like oh lol you like me bcs im fun to drink with, I'm not too much of a hassle for a disabled person, ill essentially repent via actions or purchases when I think I've done a misdeed so the scales are somehow balanced again. but aside from that, my life consists of perpetual nightmares of my own creation and I therefore cannot see the value in being friends with me or what I bring to the table in a friendship aside from the things I bring as a coping tool so I feel like I have value (cleaning, doing favors). sometimes I can bring good conversations, but it's hard when I'm with different communication styles that want to talk about life, but not in a deep way or not about my life, or interests I don't share, bcs I'm just stuck. I don't know how to talk suddenly and I've got nothing to add. and you can't say a relationship isn't transactional. it is ! it is about what you're bringing and what you have to offer, on what other basis would this be? if you don't like me because you don't think I add value to your life because of my negativity and life struggles, why would you want to be friends with me? I try to cultivate the moments of peace and kindness and love and feeling good but it must be said that my life is not easy and all I can give are those moments. Sometimes those moments aren't enough, because the pain seeps through and the reality slithers in and I'm confronted and stuck again. It sucks because it's so scary and hard for me, and I know how scary and hard it is for everyone else to see someone suffer like this and not know what to do except keep your distance so your life doesn't also go up in flames. Or maybe I'm really just not that important and it's not a big deal.

I feel like I spend all of my time working on my mental health, working on my physical health, trying to keep going and making it to something that feels kind of good or stable. or like for the last two years, just fucking staying alive after a life-changing diagnoses and symptomatic presentations. I guess that doesn't leave much room for actual joy when you're running yourself dry with your "HAVE TOs" and get to spend considerably less time on things that add quality and fulfillment to my life. I guess I'm just not crazy in a fun way. Maybe I got boring somewhere along the way. Maybe people don't want to spend the time to unravel and discover me bcs we want bite-sized consumable info. Maybe my fears and self doubts are major blocks in building or maintaining friendships. Maybe I'm supposed to be getting more support with my physical and mental health, but I don't know where from and I don't know how. It was really nice having my dad do basic tasks that I was dreading, that lifted a lot of weight off of me and it's a lot to constantly care for everything on a daily basis alone.

I'm often so stuck in trying to talk about the present in conversations as well, where there's nothing much happening, and I don't let myself dig into my past anymore too much because it's a whole can of worms that sometimes I don't know if they're acceptable or not. At this point I guess I'd rather placate someone with mediocre conversation, or correct myself anytime I fall into "too weird" territory, than to go into my past and talk about things I have enjoyed because they're often quite blurry and bring a lot of baggage with them as well. Like Ophelia and Barbies were very important when I was 16, but I guess not a lot of people want to hear about that and it's not a time I remember very clearly either.

And being more stable is really helpful in having more stable friendships, or making new friendships since you can show that you have interests and a life. I miss having a routine and goals and something to focus my energy into instead of letting my mind wander and body decay. But I got here in the first place because I wasn't well enough to continue. Even if university was exhilarating and felt good, it also felt really fucking bad not being able to do it well, struggling so much, and having my physical and mental health fail me. Like I'm trying to rebuild from that but I'm really not sure how. Again, here I oscillate between "you're taking this too seriously, everyone struggles really hard with university and you should be able to push through" and "you deserve better accomodations, you deserve to not feel perpetually uncomfortable by how many classes you have to take because you cannot pass them all but you need student status. yes actually, your mental and physical health is different from that of others and is understandably debilitating, even if others can't see it".

and I just sit there with those and go "okay so what the fuck can I do?" and I realize what I have to do is put myself out there in lower-stakes work and build up gradually to maybe being able to do it again. I'm so scared of not finishing my degree bcs it means less money, it means less employment opportunities, it means confronting my most deeply rooted fear of becoming homeless and I shouldn't even have a game plan for that. That shouldn't even be something I have to reassure myself about. But it is, because it's this terror so deeply seated in me that it dictates so much of my life. Don't get tattoos, you'll lower your chances at getting a job -> you'll end up homeless AND it will be your fault since your self expression makes you unemployable. Don't do too many body modifications, justify the ones you have made regarding your gender, it's not really okay that you can't fit into the mold but it seems like that's the life you've chosen so now lie in it. Make up for it in other aspects of your life. Don't make your body or your life yours, you have to be a polished cog so you can easily obtain work and not end up in a bad situation, which for some reason feels more like a prophecy than a fear. My mom pointing out a homeless man to me when I was 3-5 because I was laughing at him and telling me "that could be us. so easily, that could be us" or my childhood best friend telling me I'd "die under a bridge of a drug overdose" bcs I didn't staunchly say I'd never do drugs. I guess those things do stay with you.

My dad dedicating himself to work for his entire life so he wouldn't be in a bad position either obviously sticks with me a lot too. Him saying "people would rather buy from someone with traditional pronouns than they/them" while I was visiting recently and just trying to process all of that and every bit of self he's given up to be a tool for the machine, the mindset and ideology one has to form to explain that to themselves. Of course the only thoughts and knowledge I have about work come from the person who raised me and had pretty radical views on employment. And I feel guilty for not being able to carry that on. For having the audacity to be disabled, to be queer, to be unemployable by some standards. It was unbelievably crushing not being able to accept that job offer for the lawyer's office because I was having to medicate heavily to get through the day and I'd collapse after it, and it feels like such a privileged position to be able to refuse employment because I go through something that every other employed person also goes through. I just really really have to listen to my boundaries and limits or my body will hospitalize me, and rather quickly at that. If it doesn't hospitalize me, I'll lose my job from being out on too many sick days from having symptoms and having to recover, getting sick extremely easily and getting sick bcs of stress. I was also supposed to be a cog and it's stupid, but it hurts that I can't be the perfect employee.

#personal #me #venting #negative #this goes everywhere but covers pretty much everything as well lol #long post #if you do read the whole thing and have something to say about any part please comment #i want interaction and connection so bad