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ailexdecidua · 7 years

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Horrible-fateful-story-of-fateful horrible-fate time

[SPOILERS FOR HEART OF THORNS STORY]

So way back when I first start playing gw2, I make my first character Ailex Decidua, a sylvari engie. as I’m going through the PS for the first time accompanied by my friend & mmo-mentor Bean I get to the part where you have to wield Caladbolg to kill that lich. Being a baby pistol engie and used to ranging everything, I did not take to caladbolg’s slow and cumbersome skills, and spent the whole story instance roasting it and calling it stupid names. When the instance was finally over I felt like, god, finally, I hope I NEVER have to see that freaking sword EVER again. To my relief caladbolg leaves me well enough alone, only coming up in conversation every once in a while to the tune of “heh, remember caladbolg? man that sword sucked. glad I only had to use it that once. lmao”

anyway. Later of course comes CLORE ISLAND and I meet trahearne (bean: ”you met trahearne already don’t you remember? earlier in your story” me: “no? Idon’t remember that? also his face is freaky looking?”) and I’m all set to begin roasting him as well, because bean warned me about his controversial position in the story. However at some point, some checkpoint bugs and the scenario stalls, and as I’m yakkety-saxing around looking for a solution I notice that trahearne has been repeating the same phrase to me, over and over

and that’s the moment I fell in love.

From that point on trahearne could do no wrong in my eyes. Every behavioral programming anomaly, every incorrectly looped idle animation, every melodramatic line delivered as dry as a saltine cracker, only served to deepen my admiration for this beautiful, brave, broken (most of the time, literally, broken) ugly tree man who probably smells. I’d given myself away completely to being a supporting character in his story, even if just so I could continue to hear as many of his endearing badly-timed/tonally-inappropriate combat interjections as possible. HOWEVER when he was bequeathed Caladbolg, my bane, I had to laugh at that like “haha you both are terrible and unhelpful, you deserve eachother. But seriously keep that thing away from me”

so fast forward again a few years, HoT is about to come out and I’m bouncing like hot damn I can’t wait to rescue trahearne in the jungle and then marry him and live in a knothole and raise jungle quaggans(?) and swing around on vines together forever while mordremoth eats everyone else on the planet. After LA is rebuilt I notice that some of the NPCs use the same voice actor as trahearne so I think wooOOHOO? that means trahearne will have speaking roles in HoT. Ailex’s Happily Ever After: Confirmed.

[HoT spoilers below the cut]

and then HoT drops and I’m playing the story and I’m like well... no trahearne yet... none here either.. hmm. But I’m having fun and having some feels, and then comes that VERY STARTLING cutscene all of a sudden where trahearne is rapidly RIPPED IN HALF about 1000000 TIMES while SCREAMING, RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES, and yeah I was definitely on mic with bean and my sister at that point and I might have only been able to wail in confusion and distress, and.. yeah I guess I don’t have much thought on that beyond “wow I don’t really want to have much thought on that”

so ok, at least I know where he is and that we gonna go rescue him, and that he is mary-sue levels of mentally fortitudious or w/e so he should hold up just fine until we get there. party basically elects me as Designated Talking Head for all cutscenes from here on out as HoT story morphs into the tale of Ailex scouring the jungle to save his lost soulmate.

And then we finally get to the final story instance. We make a night of it, invite other GILG members and we’re all on discord having a fun time. We get to the room where trahearne is and of course I’m beside myself but then quickly devolve back into memeing on him because that’s just how we show our love. I notice caladbolg is off at the side of the room, broken. I have a smug laff at it before going in and beating up mordremoth’s ego. all goes well. I’m excited to see how this wraps up.

So. It doesn’t go how I imagined it would. it doesn’t NEARLY go how I imagined it would.

Trahearne tells me mordremoth isn’t quite dead. That the dragon is using him as a vessel. That ultimately he can’t be saved.

And I whisper softly, no.

And he tells me to go find the broken caladbolg.

And I scream into discord, NO.

NO!! NOOO! NOOOO even as I’m walking across the room and picking up that DAMN SWORD! THAT DAMN CALADBOLG!!!! THAT THORN IN MY SIDE I SWORE I’D NEVER EVER TAKE IN HAND EVER AGAIN, THAT I THOUGHT I COULD JUST PAWN OFF ONTO TRAHEARNE BC HE IS AN NPC AND WON’T BE AFFECTED BY THE SUPREME SUCKINESS THAT CALADBOLG IS MADE OF. THE STRONGEST MARY-SUE-EST MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN ALL OF TYRIA NPC WHOM I THOUGHT ETERNALLY PROTECTED BY PLOT ARMOR BY VIRTUE OF ACCIDENTALLY BEING TOO GOOD AT PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING HE TRIES TO DO. and not only do they make me walk over and grab it, they make me walk back over to trahearne and PRESS BUTTONS ON MY KEYBOARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. ~*~I~*~ have to be the one to EQUIP CALADBOLG and use it to destroy my ONE TRUE LOVE’S LIFE

AND WHAT

DO I GET OUT OF THIS

FUCKING

CALADBOLG SWORD SKIN

THAT I CAN’T EVEN USE BECAUSE I’M AN ENGIE

---AND A BROKEN HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok that’s the end of my story. thanks for reading. pray I’m allowed into heaven after all this hilarious jackassery I put myself through over this video game character

#trahearne #guild wars 2 #THIS WAS IN MY DRAFTS GKFDLHG

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