odethehorror

[odethehorror]

*Me*

why is it every time I close this app I get a notification?! It's so annoying!!"

*Also me after finally READING IT after two weeks*

Oh it's a reminder about double XP

[odethehorror]

*Me about to say "I don't have any Billie Eilish on this playlist"*

My brain: I don't have any billish

#billie eilish

[odethehorror]

Me: you're nothing more than a thirst trap

A cacti: 🌵 I'm only existing

Me: 🌵😮

#stupid jokes #dumb jokes

[odethehorror]

Just remember,

You can't get left on read with email

#left on read

[odethehorror]

*me seeing a helicopter*

I hope it doesn't shit on me

[odethehorror]

So I'm ringing through a customer that's buying a stud finder which has clearly been opened already. He asks for another one so I call the department to have them bring one. On the phone I tell the man about it thinking he will ask me for the product number. Instead, when I say I have a customer who needs a stud finder he goes "well we have lots"

Wow no kidding we do. Thanks dude

#mansplaining

[odethehorror]

Do men wash their hands after peeing?

#questions

[odethehorror]

People think about how dirty big cities are, like NYC for example. But imagine how humanity will view everything in a few centuries. Until modern plumbing there was shit and piss in the streets. Royalty would piss in Versailles on the floor, or anywhere really.

What disgusting things are we doing that we're unaware of? Things that will be considered unthinkable to modern humans!!!

#future

[odethehorror]

*Me at the store asking the beautician to look at this photo of my natural hair colour*

*Also me- holding up a photo of myself pin up style*

[odethehorror]

Maybe cats are so smug because they realize that we can also walk silently on our bare feet

#catscatscats #funny cats

[odethehorror]

*me in my head thinking about birth control*

Hmm... Too bad there isn't a shot for cigarettes....

[odethehorror]

Why is society not using the word hubby??! As a counterpoint to wifey??!!!!

#wifey #my hubby

[odethehorror]

*Me talking to myself*

Why do I get so little sleep? I do it to myself, I must love hurting myself.

I should just get into sm

[odethehorror]

Zombie?

Zombye !

[odethehorror]

True crime test:

Watch Dexter and work up a psych profile on each of his victims.

(Include Dexter himself for bonus points)

Great news!!! It works on other tv shows and movies!!!!!!!

Try it now!

#true crime #dexter #behavioral science #pyschology

[odethehorror]

Why do people put such a low rating on pens @ work? maybe even office supplies or somebody's food or drink there.

But everyone, no matter who or where, will always steal pens and probably already has.

[odethehorror]

I satisfy my ego by going to the therapist. I know that all the fucked up shit I say is going in their research.

#therapy #self deprecating jokes #dark jokes #egotistic #lol