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nathanielpoint · 7 years

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A Dot Filled Life. By. Nathaniel Point

"Every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist painting" - Ted Mosby("How I met your Mother").

It's interesting to think our lives as insignificant dots, because dots don’t have any discerning features. Small, alone and essentially not relatable, they simply could disappear in the background of other dots. Although a dot simply could disappear, it's only a dot to something that's much grander than itself. To the universe I am a dot, but to the atom I am the universe. Neither could exist without the other. The universe would not be defined without I to fill it, and the atom would have nowhere to exist without I there to fill. Like the atom to I, and myself to the universe, each moment is like a dot. A dot full of one moment, insignificant by itself and only a dot compared to life, but still full of its own unique and amazing properties that are defined as its own whole. A whole filled to the brim with bountiful rich colors, and lined with a shining bright gold border. A border not used to accentuate the innate beauty of the "Dot", rather used as an instrument to show how dull the border is compared to the whole. Full of light and dark, this mixture of colors is best described as the night ending and the day beginning. Where the light and warmth of the sun, mix with the cold, hallow darkness of the sky. Draping itself over the mountains, but not casting into the valley. Like foreshadowing of what's to come, this mosaic of a dark somber blue, filled the upstairs suite of Ms.Frizz's home. Where a young native man, with dark brown eyes, hair to match and light mocha skin. This young man's name was Jeremy. Jeremy laid against a young lady with pale skin, blazing red hair and gorgeous hazel eyes. Although called by many names, we shall stick with one, Red. The Native clenched Red feverish body as close as he could, feeling every inch of her smooth white skin against his. As clothing gets in the way of two conjoining bodies, as does the skin get in the way of two conjoining souls. Although clothed at this time, it was nothing for this young man who wanted to feel her soul one last time. Gazing upon the tiresome clock, he began to think. "Five a.m, two hours till I have to be at home, three and a half hours before I'm on my plane, and six hours till I'm in Toronto. That gives me fifty-five minutes till I leave. My arm is constantly aching, your body is overheating mine and your frizzy red hair is constantly in my face. I don't want go". Thinking about it now, I can't believe it's been four years since I thought about leaving . Four very long years, yet so short. Many people have told me "when you're enjoying your time, it passes by too quickly. When you're not enjoying your time it passes by incredibly slow". No one ever took the time to tell me what happens when your ambivalent about the moment. When the moment in itself is the best thing you have ever had, but the ending of it makes it the most excruciating moment of your life. The knowledge of how nothing ever lasts, kills the last amazing moment. As the narrator I feel responsible enough to inform you, when you're in a situation like I was, where each moment last infinitum , and its excruciating to feel every second leave you by. Just sit back, relax and enjoy it. While every second left the "dot", the room filled with an intoxicating heat, summer air had taken its toll this season and tonight was no exception. Gasping for air, the Native started sweating in this gratuitous amount of heat. Holding onto the human heater, he clutched her tightly. No amount of anything, could make him let go, not in this moment. While clutching his love, he scanned the room. Searching for every other dot that painted the summer. One such dot came to mind and he began to ponder. "Fifty minutes till I have to leave". He began to smile his notorious grin. A grin that was only ever used when he couldn't talk about something so decadently good. So instead of talking about it, he smiled. "It was just a month ago, we had to move a couch bed from your friends place to here, because you didn't have a proper bed(not that a couch bed is a proper bed anyways). The day was hot as ever, and the couch weighed a ton. But you needed it, and you needed my help". Maybe you didn't need my specific help, but it felt good to think that you did. "We went at it, pivoting the couch through your friends obscure doors, having to move around the toddlers toys, it was a chore and a half just to get the right angle. Finally breaking through the door, the two start their journey towards the house. A quest that requires stamina and strength, which neither have. Constantly changing their stances and taking breaks, it will be a surprise to see if they get there. I know we did it". Words suddenly resonated through the native that really took him back into the moment. "shut up native, you virus" red exhaustively spoke, "I don't need your sass". Native laughingly but just as exhausted uttered, "LIES, you love it, besides you were the one to make my kind of joke". "Hence why you're a virus, you infect others into your stupid humor", Red snickered. Native retorted, " SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE BLAME the native, first you take my land, then you make me carry this HEAVY...ASSS...couch. What more do you want from me". "Well sir Jeremy, I'm pretty sure I still have your heart", Red smirked. "Oh Ms. Frizz", Native smiled. The name "Ms. Frizz" reminded the Native or "Jeremy" of the movie "Secret of Nimh". Where they spent one relaxed after noon simply watching Netflix. It reminded him of such events because the name "Ms. Frizz" and "Jeremy" refer to two of the characters in the movie. Frisbee the mouse and Jeremy the crow. Jeremy being the clumsy oaf always star struck by love, and Mrs.Frisbee being calm and astute with her situations, solemnly working out her issues. I suppose we used that as a backdrop for our friendship. For a bird and a mouse could only be friends. The two finally carved their way through "Ms. Frizz's" apartment, they got the couch into the bedroom. Panting heavily, and smiling through a hard day's work. Red had to leave for some family business. In the midst of leaving she spoke " So were going to hang tonight?". Jeremy skeptically excited about the question, answered "of course?!". Now you can ponder why "Jeremy the bird" was so skeptical and excited about the question. Maybe it was because they hung out every night, and never once did she ask for reassurance. He asked himself "Why did she need to be reassured this one night"? The answer he knew, but didn't want to accept it , till it was done. You the reader may ponder what you will, I'll say one thing "Jeremy the bird" was no longer "Jeremy the bird". So, the native smiled his delinquent grin and pondered. "The ending of that day was only amazing, because of everything that led up to it. For no event....is.....no......event.......hmmmmmm. I'll get it later" . For no event is meaningful without the context behind it. I.E the joining of two people means nothing, when there's nothing backing it up. It wasn't my first time, but it was with her. There is so many important events in one's life, and they normally start with the phrase "my first time". Red was not my first time for anything, but she might as well have been. No kiss, no moment, no anything felt as good as it did with her. It became new, it became exciting, it became the first. I understand why we wait for the one we love before we experience some things. That definition defines how I see so many things now and why I simply wait. "Forty-eight minutes, we had a great summer. I helped you get over your ex, which I'm glad I could repay that debt. We explored caves, went camping, drank(a...lot), played chess, and did so, so many things together. I had the best summer of my life with you. I remember when we first went camping, we were sooooo unprepared. We had to buy an axe cause we forgot it, then as we were unloading the car we found another axe. We had no tarp for when it rained(which it did). We couldn't start a fire because I brought damp wood(which I thought was dry), and we had to lay on the very hard ground. Not to mention, we lost your keys(which I found, thankfully) and all we did was get drunk. So overall It was amazing. *(It doesn't add to the story, but I'm smiling really hard as I write this.)* . I would define that as one of the happiest nights of my life. Not because I got to be near her, plenty of times I have been close with her. But because this was the first time I got to share an experience with her in over a year without her. I remember laying in this spot, where she had been with her previous boyfriends at the camp. Down the trail up in the woods, where we laid. Thinking I never want to be that guy she talks about poorly, how disappointed she was because of me. I wanted to be nothing but good for her. It's like how all my siblings wanted pets. My sisters got hamsters, my brother got a turtle, we had a dog. My sisters accidently killed the hamsters, my brothers turtle actually ran away, and our dog got sent to a new home. Now I won't say another stupid platitude like " we don't always get what we want". Rather, I will say this "Sometimes, when we have what we want, we don’t know how to take care of it". It’s the plain truth, and as I secretly cried while Red slept. As I have cried many times after. I would think about that line over and over again. "*silent tears*, sniffles. Forty minutes, this will be the last time I hold you, I know it. I took a year to become a better person. So I wouldn't do the same stupid mistakes as before. I am honestly trying so hard. I'm going to get jealous, lose my shit and wreck everything I know it. Why can't I be more healthy. All our fights this summer, all those times I stupidly made you feel bad. Could have been avoided... I have to try my best. I won't get it if I don't keep trying at least. I just hope I get it before it gets worse". The word important comes to mind, like how important it is to remember that previous statement. So important, I'm going to write it in big blue letters, give it extra space and highlight it. "Sometimes, when we have what we want, we don’t know how to take care of it". - Nathaniel Point Now don't forget it. Thinking back on it, I was a hot mess of a person. Probably still am, who knows.....I don’t know, although I'd say my most redeeming feature is that I don't give up. "Thirty minutes, Okay I'm better now. No more crying, I have to be strong for Red. She's going to meet someone, and be with him I know it, and I have to be happy for her. I just have to be. I'm going to be gone. She needs someone to be here for her. It makes sense. If I worry about, how much trouble I've been or could possibly be, I'm just setting myself up. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it". I should have thought "I'll burn that bridge when I get there", I was far better at ruining things then keeping them together. At least back then. (By the way mashing two idioms like that together is considered a malaphor, informally speaking. Let's try to use it more to make it more formal). "I remember when you messaged me to hang, my heart popped out of my chest. I was so freaking ecstatic, it was crazy. I had looked every day for the past year to see if you messaged me, sometimes twice. You had a few times. But there was no intention of really talking to me. But for some reason this time I knew. When I got home from Toronto, I had a gut feeling and I was excited for those few days leading up to it". The happiest moment of my life is when I saw her again, ready to talk and continue. No moment after or before would be able to top it. I remember it so vividly, we chose to meet at the Dairy Queen parking lot, in downtown wherever. She said 15 minutes, because she had to travel from a separate location. I got dressed bouncing. Now I have tons of energy normally, but never that excited, that energized in my entire life. I was literally bouncing, running to get everything on as fast as I could. I got there in five minutes(two minute walk), and I waited there for 10 minutes. Then I saw her, and I just missed her. A piece of who I was, had returned. Originally, I had planned to work on the island for my summer. I had a gut feeling about red, but I figured I shouldn't plan my summer around a gut feeling or a person. Be healthy and responsible. I was going to save up money at this really good job that my friend and his C.E.O dad got me. I needed the money for furniture and our new apartment in Toronto. It paid 16 dollars an hour, offered to pay room & board, and was going to give me a truck for the job. Then I was going to go back to school and finish my astrophysics degree. Then a week before I go, Red appears and messages me. Now I have a decision, do I talk to her or do I move on. I knew it was a mistake, not because she's a bad person. But because I wasn't healthy around her. I knew the instant that I talked to her. All my plans to disappear. They did, I stayed out on the island for a month, I just wanted to be back with Red. The school year started and I just couldn’t focus, failed and dropped out. I don't blame her at all for this. It just reflects the unhealthy type of person I was to let this happen. "She let me back..... after I screwed things up the first time, she let me back." Sometimes, we can do our best to learn from our mistake, and make the same mistake again. That is a cold hard truth of life. "After I screwed up things the first time. Just before that she told me she was falling for me and I got scared. I pushed her away. She got closer to her last boyfriend and I got jealous and let go, Cowardice. I can't let fear get to me, 12 minutes left". Fear is the absolute destructor of all relationships, it hides our deepest feelings, it twists our imaginations to do stupid things, and it manifests realities. If I have learned anything, fear will not help. The issue is, even when you realize it's just fears, it's hard to not let it decide for you. Getting caught up in a moment will not help. "10 minutes left.........I remember how this all started. I remember when I met you, I was dating my ex-girlfriend and you were dating your ex-boyfriend. We were in photography, I was sitting with Stacy and our teacher says "alright well pair up" and you got paired with us. We had to make a box that took pictures. I actually just sat there and did nothing, cause I had no idea what was going on". When Red and I met for the first time. I thought her name was slutty, therefore she was slutty. Also her voice was terribly bland. Which I thought was perfect, because I was like "Hey, I have a girlfriend, I don’t need to like her, and were probably not going to talk anyways, after this project is done we will say our goodbyes. So no worries". Then our friend Stacy didn't show up for class, and I got paired up with her again. Then we just started hanging out. Our teacher was really relaxed, so we essentially just got to do what we liked in class. We would go explore by ourselves outside, for hours taking pics. Talking, hanging out and fooling around in the friend way. Cause we had our respective others. Then we had to develop our pics together, we would go in the dark, essentially black room and we would lay there and just talk. Until someone would get mad at us for being in there too long. I fell in love with my friend. Five minutes before Native had to leave, he woke her. The dark somber blue still over casted the room. He got off the coach, red led him downstairs to put on his shoes. He put on his shoes, kissed her on her forehead and as he left. I held on to her hand as long as I could while she closed the door. Feeling every contour of her hand, for some reason I knew, a gut feeling. This would be the last time we would touch for a long time, or if ever at all. If ever never came. Not long after I screwed it up. I became the way I was worried, I would become. Fear took over, the unhealthy person I didn't want to be came alive. The person that would hurt her. Because she found someone that did know how to love her from the start. That knew how to care of what he had. I'm the unlucky fool, who grew up with a distorted view on how to love, how to take care of those that you love. Sometimes, it's not if or if not you love them. Sometimes you just don't know how. I wish I knew how, back then I wished I knew how. I did everything in my power to learn. But it wasn't enough. If I met her any later, I would have not fallen in love with her as I did. If I didn't go through life the way I did, to end up with my distorted love. Chances are I wouldn't have met her. Things lined perfectly just to have her in my life the way she was. So I can't be ungrateful, just thankful. If as the reader you feel cheated. Cheated from a true climax or anti-climax. Cheated because it somewhat abruptly ends. Where there was no resolution to the story, then you would have a better understanding to what the narrator and character did go through. Because in life, sometimes things do abruptly end. With no finish, no resolution, and no closure. Each memory becomes tainted, and you become ambivalent about every dot on your painting. Each dot becomes a shade of light and dark, and the universe becomes nothing more than a shade of grey. That's the interesting thing about depression, it doesn't have to be because you went through a terrible ordeal. Sometimes you just have to take something away. The story then isn't about the conflict or the end, it's about that one dot. The dot that changed a person from wanting life dreams, to settling for less. Make a man or woman go from a friendly, outgoing person; to a closed off hermit. It's that same dot that will pull them back, from this terrible place. Because Dots no matter how small they are, or feel; are far grander when whole. FIN

#shortstory #love

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