#and every other bitch who acts like their above poor communication or making mistakes and is 'so mature' can suck it and is a fucking liar.

[hickoryhorneddevils]

genuinely so fucking tired of the 'conversation' around 'trauma dumping'. none of you know how to use that word AND none of you motherfuckers understand what boundaries are. like yes if theres a pattern of someone or multiple people throwing heavy and triggering shit on you unprompted then theres an issue and they need to redirect their behavior, but so do you!! you need to communicate if you are uncomfortable and/or do not have the capacity to discuss things!!! YOU.

#and also. the idea that traumadumping is just anytime you have a heavy conversation with someone/friends/family is so. ohhmygod have you #never had a genuine connection in your life. shut up #maybe its just specifically how me and my community and friends exist together but like. im not one to shy away from heavy topics or to tal #about my own life experiences including trauma sometimes like if its relevant? like its not venting but its just fucking conversation?? #like i consider myself an open book im not going to curate my thoughts and experiences for other people to take me seriously or whatever. #but obviously time and place yknow?? there Are more appropriate times than others to say certain things and its important to know when/wher #AND. ive been guilty of trauma dumping before!! we all have!! and it doesnt make you a bad person!!! it makes you fucking human!!! #and every other bitch who acts like their above poor communication or making mistakes and is 'so mature' can suck it and is a fucking liar. #okay rant over sorry #.txt

[kustovshik]

Talking.

This post is informative in connection with a dispute that one of the parties decided to make absurd. If you don't want to get involved, just skip it. I don't force anyone to look into it or read it.

Kust is in touch. As many people have noticed, there was a small(not small now) conflict between me and a couple of other people, which could have already been eliminated, but was brought to total clowning. Names/nicknames named in this post will not be in order to avoid any negative towards those people. Also, no correspondence will be shown here, although they will be mentioned. If someone asks , I'm ready to go and personally collect all the screenshots of the two conversations, without losing any moments.

As a person in some way responsible for the current situation, I have a desire to illuminate everything from the side of my vision of things.

The conflict conditionally began three days ago. Let's call the person who initially had a small argument with me a certain person "A".

Well. in March. March 24th. We can assume that almost 5 months ago I published a post: https://kustovshik.tumblr.com/post/613504425335586816/i-want-to-be-in-fiars-stomach-he-looks-like-a

Many people remember it, I hope. I'll attach an old screenshot here just in case.

The whole conflict initially started because of the double meaning of the context behind the work itself. The problem, I was told, was the tags. Namely, in the tag highlighted in the screenshot above: ‘safe vore(or is it?)’.

This tag was originally put up there not because I didn't know what type of vore to call it, but specifically so that people themselves would sit and think: what do they want to see in my drawing. Simply put, a drawing with an open context. And it seems like no one has had any problems with it for few months.

That's what person A didn't like. I was told in a very unpleasant way for me personally that the person was very offended by this use of tags. And other problems with how they don't like 'fatal vore'. It was also suggested to me that I don't know about how fatal can be quite a painful experience for some.

I admit. My answer was quite abrupt. I can't deny it, and I won't, because that's the kind of person I am. My language is harsh on words and expressions. Instead of a thousand words and a selection of expressions, I usually tell people everything openly, or I am ready to openly indicate that something is wrong. Also, I fully admit that I have problems controlling my emotions, which makes it difficult for me to establish contact with strangers. I grew up in a different mindset, which is why I have a different view of many things. It's like putting two people who know the same language, but from different parts of the world, next to each other and forcing them to express their position on some moral principles or other things, and then wonder why their answers are different. A very exaggerated and crude comparison, but that how it looks like.

Why did I respond harshly? I am a rather rude person, and I do not like when people come to me in private messages, starting to talk about how bad they are feeling, because of things that can be safely ignored or blocked by them, so that there are no problems.

My first fatal mistake was when I decided to answer to "A". Afterwards, I talked to a couple of my friends and got cold feet. And then I apologized, trying to come to some compromise, adding the tag 'open ending' so that no one would be confused. But it seems that this was not enough, because “A” continued to say how it’s bad from what she found, even if not quite fatal stuff. Refusing to compromise in any way, as I suggested.

After that, we parted with apologies to each other, and neither of us wrote to each other again. I honestly thought it was over.

Now, before I go on to the man who has been driving me mad for the past two days, I will make a pure assumption and try to explain my indignation in a different way...

Out of human interest, I went through the 'safe vore' tag. Noted an interesting feature. Both tags had quite a lot of posts there. Namely, tags are 'safe vore' AND 'fatal vore'. Why did my post cause the problem? Have no idea.

Then another point became incomprehensible to me. How did a person get to this post at all? It would be difficult to find it through search, but you can: there is a lot of content by tag. I flipped the feed down from the second account for a long time and didn't come across my own post.

Then, in my little investigation, I looked into Tumblr's alerts. Likes, reblogs, well, you understand in short. And noticed it.

This is the first appearance of "A" in my notifications.

Hence, I dare to assume that "A" came across one of the reblogs of this post: https://kustovshik.tumblr.com/post/616227708116025344/a-new-player-has-joined-the-game And then "A" went to my blog, along the way ignoring the description specially written for such people at the very top of the blog, and came across my two-meaning post.

But after that, I had a rhetorical question: Why go to the blog of a person who has this written in the description, and hope that there will not be a fatal vore?

Of course, this theory is based only on my assumptions. But I think this scenario is quite real.

Thus, we can say that I have every right to be angry at the indignation expressed in my direction, because it is not my fault that the person ignored my preferences, scrolled down my blog page and started complaining.

Back to reality.

As you can understand, " A " shared our conversation with their friend, who the next day suddenly came to me with a long message about his position, offering help that was not needed.

Even then, I began to suspect that this person(let's call him "B") was somehow connected with "A". Moreover, the reason for the visit was the same for both of them.

I have already mentioned that I am an irritable and rather rude person. I was already stressed enough by the appearance of "A" and the consequences of my reflections that occurred after what I thought was an end to the conflict. And the repeated mention of the situation has already infuriated me.

I fully admit that I reacted very sharply to the "B" message. I had reasons for this that the other side chose not to consider.

Well. After receiving the message I gave sharp response expressing extreme dissatisfaction, but without insults to "B". Was there passive-aggressive speech? Yes. Were words said that I am not obliged to monitor the health of people who do not concern me? Yes. Do I have the right to think so? Yes. Does this fall under the moral code? It depends on the person's personal worldview.

Yes, I was rude due to the fact that on the second day I was exhausted and angry about this situation. I wanted to end this conflict and repeatedly asked both of them to block me and remain neutral. In addition, I tried to somehow explain that we are people of different mentalities and grew up with different life standards, so in this situation we see this conflict differently. Yes, in a rough way, but I tried to explain it.

I received a ton of direct insults, was accused of narcissism and high self-esteem, as well as refusing to take care of other people's problems. In addition, I received lines like, quote: "...but let me see you talk like you did to me or anyone else simply trying to converse with you over a serious topic and I will not hesitate to have your content and eventually your account removed from this site.".

Isn't this a direct threat?

I understand that passive-aggressive speech itself can offend someone. But you can't call it an insult. Passive-aggression is a hidden way of expressing negative feelings and emotions to a person. This is not an insult. But, Yes, I admit that this is a very harsh and rude way of communicating.

That's just after such an exchange of pleasantries, I snapped. 3 days of unquenchable conflict, when one side refused to listen to the other, at the same time. There were attempts on my part to end the conflict. There was one repeated request to block and disperse, so as not to inflame everything to the point of absurdity.

"Want to stay safe with your own preferences? "Please, God, don't touch me, that's all. Block me already and we will live in peace. "- This was the message of my answers. It's sad, but instead of just ending the conflict, I got the brand of a person with a capitalist mindset, the brand of a bitch-whiner, and other other charms.

And I swear that I was ready to just leave all this and stop responding to such outbursts in my direction, banal blocking "B", if they can’t themselves do it.

As here I get a notification with a post where this person changed my art / tags and basically uploaded the changed image to his blog, hiding behind good intentions. "B" did not receive permission for such actions. Even with an indication of authorship. I am most outraged by such actions at the moment.

Better look on the two images compared to each other. 

And after that, everyone wants me to try to understand how bad I was and how poor they are, that from a simple argument that could have ended without even starting, it turned into an absurd clowning with offended people, insults and changing someone else's drawings and whole character reaction. Just a note. Fiar is not so nice, he’s a wild monster leech and he just grumbles about everything as much as he don’t understands why some people willing to let him eat them. He’ll never say something as “I’ll keep you safe”.  

There it is. The comedy of a three days.

This post is for informational purposes only. Namely, how I see this situation.

All I want now is for "B" to delete the post, and for both sides to banal block each other, so that we never meet again.

I refuse to apologize to "B" for their latest act of outraging my drawing by completely distorting the meaning from a neutral drawing to something that only "B" and their friend like. In conclusion I can say, that I do not call myself a good one in that confrontation. I did some terrible mistakes while talking to both of those people. But it’s not only I’m here being on the bad side. People are not black and white. 

After this I’ll not respond to any of the continuation of that conflict anymore. I’m tired of this.

#long post #Kust talking #trigger warning

[theunmarriedmarried]

February 15, 2017

I think that maybe my concern with getting married is that I am hung up on “the one,” or being the right fit with my fiancé. Like, I don’t want to crack under pressure years from now and wind up getting divorced and hating each other because, “Ooops, turns out were bad for each other after all.” I’m sure no one goes into marriage wanting to divorce, but one of my biggest goals has always been to have my first marriage be my last marriage, and be strong enough within that marriage to withstand any hardship, strong enough to put my pride aside and work through conflicts healthily, both myself and my partner, so that we don’t need divorce as a resolution. I want a strong and unbreakable love, I’ve always been very sentimental that way, and I think that maybe my expectations are too high and that’s why I have all of these backwards feelings about getting married even though I want to get married.

I spent all of those years growing up with unrealistic relationship models around me, from magazines, countless books, movies, and from stories of friends. While there were some super romantic boys in my teens years (never the guys I dated, though)–you know, the ones who line the halls with flower petals and organize a flash mob to ask their girlfriend to Prom–the majority of guys aren’t like that. Most cases of romance such as that are “Hollywood” cases, meaning that they’re made up to specifically cater to someone’s romantic fantasy.

Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.

There’s this idea out there that we can find our dream mate, that there is someone out there in the world who meets every quality on our list and is ours by destiny. Well… I’ve always deeply believed in that idea, but the older I get and the more I experience, I think my idea of what a soul mate is supposed to be is extremely inaccurate.

There are so many things in my life that have not turned out the way that I had always imagined… - Growing up, I always thought I’d have a daughter, and that we’d conquer the world together. I could teach her everything there is to know about being a woman, friend, daughter, girlfriend, and even a mother of her own someday. But nope, I had a little boy. - I always thought I’d have a good relationship with the members of my family. Even though I acted out as a child and teenager, I figured that we could all reach a place of maturity and understanding with one another… but my mom thinks that I’m a liar, and that I’m full of myself and really bitchy and always on the defense, and that I hate her. and my brother… well… I just don’t think he really likes me. At least not anymore. and my grandmother… man, that’s the worst. My grandma was my best friend, and now, she’s awful to me. She plays these mind games and tries to cause drama, and she flakes out on me and lets me down. She has shown me that I can’t count on her for anything at all anymore, and worst of all, she can’t pull her head far enough out of her ass to show me that she cares about my son–her great grandchild. - I always hoped that I’d end up with my high school sweetheart, or a boy I grew up with, or someone I fell in love with in college (thanks, How I Met Your Mother), but I met my fiancé at a shitty customer service job when I was living in my grandma’s computer room and sharing a bed with my friend at the time. and it wasn’t anything cute and sweet like I imagined with the school/neighbor boy stuff; I saw him and instantly wanted to bone. He was that guy you see at the mall or a concert and you become completely infatuated with him, just, you melt into the floor right then and there. But he’s tall, dark, sexy–out of your league. He goes for skinny, dolled-up, confident bitches. You don’t stand a chance. So you watch him leave, starstruck, and dream about what could have been. That was my fiancé when I first saw him. It was pure lust and fantasy, not how I imagined meeting the guy I’d spend the rest of my life with. - I also always thought that I’d have a best friend by my side through thick and thin. She’d be there through everything past and present, and then she’d be my maid of honor at my wedding… but all of the best friends I’ve ever had have either dropped me or stabbed me in the back. I literally have zero friends, and I always imagined myself at age 22 with a great boyfriend and a good, small, close group of friends. Instead, I’m a stay at home mom who’s going stir crazy and coming to terms with the fact that things don’t go the way we plan, or imagine.

See, and that’s the problem: I am coming to terms with it, I have accepted it for pretty much everything in my life–grandma, college, friends, daughter, etc.–so why can’t I accept my relationship fate?

The problem is that I am focusing on the fantasy and not on the reality.

My fiancé is 5 years older than me. I met him at a shitty customer service job, and he had a serious girlfriend at the time. I had a baby long before I was financially and mentally ready, and it was a little boy (whom I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world). We moved to a place I’ve never been before. We’re poor. I have to deal with his two cats whom I love but whom also drive me fucking nuts most of the time. He likes to listen to music too often and spends too much time on his phone. He’s not good with saying how he feels and he kind of makes light of it when I talk about him loving me or getting married (unless he’s drunk). He doesn’t clean up after himself, hardly ever. He isn’t as good with our son as I am, and is awkward about making an effort. He can’t control his attitude when he’s mad. He holds things in until he feels better and then never addresses them nor tries to get closure. He doesn’t care about holidays nor celebrating milestones like birthdays or anniversaries. He doesn’t care about being close to family, neither geographically nor emotionally.

He is not at all the image of the man I thought I’d end up with. But do you want to know something? It doesn’t matter. I’ll tell you why.

Well, the answer is pretty simple, really (and obvious); I love him. Not only do I love him, but I am in love with him.

Yes, he has flaws that I absolutely cannot stand, but they are minor flaws. The problem is thinking that there is someone out there whose flaws aren’t necessarily flaws for you… but that’s not realistic. The key is to be with someone whose flaws you can handle for the rest of your life, no matter how you feel about said flaws. and when you love someone, that is so much easier to do than it seems.

Yes, my life is not how I imagined it would be at this point.

Yes, I would love to receive dramatic acts of romance which showcase his love for me.

Yes, I wish he would love me the way that I want to be loved.

But these are not at all deal breakers and I need to stop telling myself that they are.

He DOES love me the way that I want to be loved–wholly and unconditionally. He may not show it the way I’d like him to but he shows me in his own ways.

He kisses me before he leaves for work, every morning, with an “I love you” to start my day, and he does the same every night when he rolls over to fall asleep. He covers me up with the blankets when he leaves in the morning, and he turns on the heater for me so that I’m not freezing when I wake up. He gets most of our son’s poopy diapers because he knows I do all of the other hardships with him. He also gets our son ready for bed almost every night. He supports me in all of the crazy hobbies that I pick up, even if they’re expensive and time consuming. He makes me laugh like nobody does. We have more in common than I’ve ever had with anybody in my entire life. He buys me snacks or drinks that I like when he stops in at a store on his way home from work, surprises me with them when he gets home. He knows I don’t like that he smokes, so he washes up after every cigarette and has taken it upon himself to cut back so that he can eventually quit. He almost always leaves me the last of every treat or good dinner we’ve picked out. He listens to me vent about my family and about stupid people online, and he actually gives me advice; he always says the right thing. He is on the exact same page as me about marriage, about making a happy life together and working hard to be in a healthy relationship with me where we can make it through anything (make-up sex, anyone?). The list goes on.

He loves me. He loves me in his own ways in the best ways that he can, and I need to stop taking it personally just because he didn’t fill the bedroom with roses and balloons on Valentine’s Day, or because he could only work up the courage to give me that diamond ring after he had a few beers in him.

I love him. I love him like crazy, and the thought of not being with him terrifies me. Sure, we have some things we could work on–every couple and family does–but I love our relationship.

I ought to go back to that post from the thirteenth and slap myself. It can be so difficult to focus on the important things and remove yourself from the situation when you’re so mad. Anger and pain cloud your vision so much. Communicating is the only way to rise above. But you have to do it effectively. Listen when your partner is talking. Remove yourself and try to put yourself in their shoes. See their point of view, understand where they’re coming from. Watch your tone when you respond. Remind yourself and your partner that you love them and that you want to work through this so that the both of you can be happy.

Be honest, be patient, keep your mind open, trust, and communicate.

Your love for one another is so much bigger than any fight you may have, even if the fight feels so big and important in the moment.

Do not let your ego, anger, or expectations get the best of you.

The hardest part of growing up is seeing everyone for who they are, seeing them as human, and when you’re human, you’re complex and you make mistakes. We can learn to overcome those mistakes and love each other through them, because you will never find a human who is wholly perfect–not in looks, not in character, not in habits, and certainly not in expectation.

So… yes, I still want to get married. I don’t want to put off the engagement. I was just hurt and that’s how I felt at the moment–and that’s why I made this blog, so I can release those feelings and maybe let someone else out there know that if they’re feeling the same way, they’re not alone. Like I said, every couple has their ups and downs. You know you’re ready for marriage when the ups far outweigh the downs, and here, they certainly do. ❤

#marriage #relationships #relationship advice