#and i can't cope by venting because the people i'm comfortable venting to are tired of my shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cosmictulips · 1 year

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Miss Tulips, I'm here to rant. But I'll keep it short. I have no friends lol. Okay that's not true. I have disorganised attachment style and I knew I was avoidant but I didn't find specific details until recently. I'm fearful avoidant. It's just so freaking hard to be vulnerable, to ask for help etc. But I try. I didn't do that before but now I atleast try. But the way I'm trying goes unnoticed even by those who are aware of who I am. It's so frustrating. Especially because I spent hours talking to my friends and listening to them, trying to be there as much as I can emotionally even when I'm clueless most of the time. But for me, there's no such person. There's no one I can approach. Everybody is busy. Or even if I say or attempt to say something, I end up feeling worse after I get ignored. And people don't even realise this. I might straight away say that I'm having a shitty week and I can't deal with my head, I still don't get the care I'm reaching out for. But again, even if that makes me super frustrated and I feel emotionally weak to deal with myself, I think I would still feel awkward if I did get the care. But at this point I'm also like, someone please hug me. Avoiding doesn't happen a lot cuz there's no one to avoid. Everyone is already away. I started looking up support groups online. I lose interest immediately after I find anything related to it tho. It's like I'm just too tired to explain myself. And there's no one in my life that is concerned enough to understand me.

Hello Star Cadet!

I can't keep this private and i really want to respond so if you message me about deleting it, don't feel bad, I just want to share with you my thoughts. maybe they'll help, maybe they won't. I know when I rant, sometimes I just need to hear the echo chamber lmao. so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

While I'm applauding you for finding out your attachment style,and while I also think this plays a part, I don't think it's the full story.

I think -and I'm choosing my words carefully here because I don't want to lead you astray and I don't fully understand the whole situation -

I think a couple of things need to happen.

You need to address this attachment style. it's hard, but I think through therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms, you'll be better able to handle yourself. and that's what is most important here because

You need to find better people to surround yourself with.

Two can't really be done until you address the number one. You have needs that need to be met and no one is meeting them. make sure you know what those needs are number one. number two, perhaps try to change the way you speak of those needs. perhaps being more straight forward will work, perhaps simply figuring them out so that way others can follow suit.

Like if you need to vent to someone, and you don't like venting to this one person because they always try to fix things for you, perhaps that's just a boundary that needs to be set. say , hey, I appreciate you trying to fix my problems, but I just need someone to throw stuff at and help me release things. I don't need answers.

You know what I'm saying?

And then lets say you have made those changes in number one. this is where you'll have to start addressing that attachment style and bring new people in. from what I've learned recently, people will always hold their perception of you that will give them the biggest source of power over you. especially if they've known you for a long time. it's why it's hard to assert boundaries in a relationship that you've had for awhile. change doesn't come easy to ... humans. period. anyway---

You may have to change the company you keep. and that's easier said than done. you'll want to go back to them, find comfort in them. but you're saying it yourself, they don't really care about you. and as you try to grow and deal with things, you're only going to get further away from them.

so, once you address number one. try finding new people. in fact, if you're anything like me, new people will just come to you. a friend of mine said recently that she notices that I make a new friend every couple of months lmao. and it's funny because I've been trying to make more of these changes within me as well. asserting boundaries and figuring out what I need in relationships.

Meet people the way they are meeting you. if they say they are busy but expect you to be there 24/7, well don't. but if you both can open those lines of communication, grow that connection.

I can go on and on but this answer is long enough and like I mentioned earlier, I don't know the full context. I hope this helps in some way and if you want me to delete it, feel free to reach out!

#ironic that I say the thing about venting #because when I rant I aint looking for advice #but I felt like it was justified here #idk

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galaxythedragonshifter · 7 months

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TW: Vent; Father issues

He's an alcoholic and addicted to drugs and p*rn, and he's driven drunk several times, gotten several DUIs, and has been to jail several times because of it.

Me and my father have a love hate relationship. I haven't talked to him in two years, and I simultaneously never want to speak to him again, and I want to yell at him for how he's acted my whole life.

He ended up marrying someone (whom I refuse to call my step mother), roughly a year ago I believe. I only met her for three hours, in which she asked several questions about my school and personal life that I did not feel comfortable sharing.

Ever since then, he's been getting worse and worse, more recently stalking us, digging in our garbage, and possibly (meaning almost definitely) breaking into the house to steal things that belong to me. We put up cameras, and we're gonna build and put birdhouses on them to hide them. We're also planning on leaving and going to a hotel for a few days to see if we can catch him and his wife on camera.

It honestly hurts a lot.

When I was little, he was my whole world. I wasn't old enough to know what a dad was supposed to be like, nor did I second guess things. I'd have to fight for any kind of bonding time with him. I'd have to sit down next to him and watch whatever he was watching (It would typically be StarTrek, Stargate, or Mcgyver), or beg him to do what I wanted to do.

I didn't know it wasn't normal to do that. I didn't know Dad's were supposed to be actively trying to bond with their kids. I wasn't old enough to know what happened behind the scenes or who he was.

When my parents divorced when I was 9, I held high hopes. I hoped he would get better. I hoped things would be ok. I held onto false promises.

It got worse and worse as I got older. Broken promises built up over time. When I hit 15 (last year), All of the wife stuff started happening, and now its reaching into now. I was upset and angry, but I still helt a little hope that he would get better.

With the news of the probable breaking and entering, and the fact he'd gotten WAY worse, I lost all hope. I know he'll never change. I know he'll never be the dad I wanted (and needed). Even if he one day apologizes for everything, and changes, it still won't fix the fact that he took having a proper dad away from me.

I want it so badly. I want a dad so badly. But I can't have it. I can't have a real relationship with him. I'm growing up and I never got that. I missed out. I'm constantly bouncing between angry, heartbroken, annoyed, tired, and upset and I have no freaking clue what I'm feeling at a certain time.

I want to never speak to him again, but I also want to tell him what I'm feeling so desperately.

I never want to be around him anymore because I'm angry, but I also want a dad so frickin badly.

But I know that little me will never get the Dad she wanted. And it hurts. It hurts so badly.

It would be easier if I truly hated my father but I don't. I simultaneously hate him for his actions and love him because I want him to be a dad. And it hurts.

It hurts to know the dad you've known your whole life was never a real dad to begin with. It hurts to know that you'll never get that, no matter how much you beg them to change, no matter how much you hope.

It hurts to know that your own father is breaking into your house to steal anything they can get their hands on to win a court battle in the future, resulting in my items getting effected.

It hurts to have to cut someone you simultaneously hate and love off.

It hurts for people to say "You're taking the easy way out" by cutting him off finally. You really think this is easy?! It's not. It's actually harder.

I'm in pain, and I don't know if I'll ever truly heal from it completely, because it's left this gaping hole in my chest that I can't fill.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I don't know how to fix it.

Of course, I try to use characters and jokes to cope, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I can talk about it all with no issue and joke about it. Other times, I say two words and I break down sobbing.

#galaxy rambles #tw vent #tw daddy issues #tw breaking and entering #tw stealing #tw heartbreak

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shinshoyu · 8 months

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every second there's something new in my head to torment me to the end of my days. i hate how easily i get attached to people, especially people who would never feel the same way about me, because this is the second time i've fell so hard i cracked my head on the pavement and have had nobody there to pick up the pieces. my soul is like fine china and i break it over and over again hoping someone will come along and fix it but i'm just some the "extra one" in the set nobody would care if they lost anyway.

i'm so tired of hoping and hoping and hoping that things will be different but they never are. there's always a reality check so soon after i've gotten invested. the cycle goes i find someone new, give them my all, and break my skull open on the pavement.

i cant keep wondering what people think of me but hounding them with "do you still even want me around?" feels horrid. i cant keep asking, they can't keep answering, we can't keep living just because i can't handle the idea that anybody would want me around for longer than five minutes.

god, do you know how difficult it is to have one of your primary love languages be touch and not a single person to touch you? do you understand how badly i crave to be hugged, to be cradled so lovingly and solidly that i feel comfort, even for a fleeting second? everybody i love to the bottom of my heart has never felt my touch and it pains me to know they will never truly understand how much i care for them. i want to hold and cradle like i wish someone would do for me. i want to lean on you while i watch tiktoks, or pat your head on my lap while we watch a movie. i've always wanted to cherish you but you're all the way over there i mean, how can i?

and i'm constantly so scared i'm bothering people that i just stop talking to them and then they never text me anymore and oh, would you look at that? i was the only one texting first. i'm always the only one texting first. i'm nobody's first choice. fuck this i'm gonna smoke

god these vent posts r like so definitely indecipherable but it's my blog i choose how i cope fuck you guys

#s_vent

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fictionalcatgirl · 2 years

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Dear Taehyung,

my life sucks. i hate everything about myself and everything around me. I hate that if i talk to someone about it, I'll bother them or make them sad too. if i talk to my mom she'll be sad that she can't make me happy and then she'll blame me for being sad even though she does so much for me. I don't want to always feel so lame and inferior. I don't like that when i walk into a room full of people, I'm always worried that they're judging me and I'm always scared that people find me uncool and not worth their time. i have run out of ways to cope with this dreadful feeling. i have friends but I'm so lonely. so fucking lonely. i miss you Tae. I wish we knew each other so that you could share your pains with me too but then the best part of this letter is that you don't know me. i don't feel like I'm wasting your time by venting to you. i just really hate everything about me. and I'm sorry to the people who know me for having to put up with me. i cant concentrate on my studies. i see people having fun all the time and all i can think is i wish i was that independent. i want to be free. but I'm stuck in this boring life where i have to feel responsible all the time just cause my parents decided to give birth to me. I'm tired of taking so much responsibility. I'm fucking mad that I'm so short and nice and people think that I'm a kid. they don't know me and choose to judge me because of the way i look. the reason why I am nice to everyone is because i don't want anyone to hate me. i need other people's validation all the time because I am not comfortable with myself. i need others to validate me, it has become an obsession. i am so young and alive. but i have never felt so dead inside like an old soul whose life got over before it even started. i don't believe in love. i am the ghost of a person who wanted so terribly to be in love. i don't think this life will treat me right. ever. but still, tomorrow i will wake up, it'll be a new day and once again I'll try my best to put up a smile and get through it because our happiness and peace supposedly lies with us. i don't think I'll ever be happy and idk how long i can keep up with this pain and depression but i promise I'll keep trying. Thank you for listening to me. ~your girl, Ray.

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maningrey0204 · 2 years

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hiatus.

hey, PurpleProse/Grey (on Discord) here. if you're reading this, it's because I've linked this post and you're wondering what's going on, along with why I'd suddenly go and cut off access to my own social media. well, I'm more than happy to explain. I'm going to be giving a lengthy explanation + vent the cut. if you just want the summary, it'll be before that. TL;DR: I have Issues, and was spending too much time on social media to procrastinate + cope with said issues. this has led me to fail a lot in Important Life Things, making my family members stressed out over me. it has culminated-yesterday-in me putting off completing something important. my mom found out about the procrastination and got very mad at me over it, along with my usage of social media in general. she now wants to kick me out of the house in a month. my dad's more lenient, but wants me to cut off all my social media in general, which is what I want too. partly in the hopes that I'm not kicked out but also because I know that it would be beneficial for me to get my Internet usage under control. idk when I'll be back. I'll still be posting fanfiction over on AO3 (my username there's the same as my Tumblr and Twitter), and if we're close mutuals, you can always PM me to hash out an alternative means of communication that isn't social media. in the meantime, I hope you all have a happy & fulfilling 2022. I don't think it'll be too different from 2021, but the world needs more kindness & more people who are willing to fight for that-in terms of their own wellbeing and others'. so if you can, please be more kind. also CW/TW for discussion of mental health issues in general, yelling and emotional distress. this is going to be heavy.

I've had mental health issues ever since I was a kid. I'd much rather not go into a diatribe about them, so I'll just list off some (key word being some-I'm not comfortable talking about all of them) symptoms that I know are affecting me now: lack of focus + motivation, memory recall problems, and excessive anxiety/worrying (especially in particularly stressful situations). haven't gotten professional treatment, but I'll look into that when I know I can afford it. for a long time, I've been using social media & the Internet in general to cope with said problems, especially through procrastinating. this in turn has made me avoid tackling things like driving on my own and being studious in university classes. my grades were terrible before the pandemic and continued to stay that way when it started. that's why I'm taking a hiatus until Fall 2022, actually-my GPA wasn't enough for me to stay in enrollment, and I can't go back to classes until then. my parents are Not Happy about this. especially my mom. they both mean well and have given a lot to help my sibling and I. her way of conveying that isn't great, though? sometimes I'll hear about how keeping us both adds to the finances, for instance, and...there's no doubt that it's true, but it also makes me feel weird. I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive when it comes to that. and ofc there's the yelling she did that I'll get to. anyways, yesterday (the 29th) I joined a livestreamer's PowerPoint night (think your usual presentations but of a topic of your choice, so they're infinitely more fun), and I believe it was after my presentation that I had to do Something Important that was basically an obligation for irl-related stuff. to be clear: I don't blame the livestreamer at all for what happened. it was my choice to make slides & present them. the only regrets I have are a) I didn't do the bulk of my work until the last minute, thus spending too many hours yesterday on it, b) my presentation was too long and had to be sped up for time, c) I stuck around for the rest of the stream afterwards, not touching that important task at all... ...and d) that I ended up feeling tired afterwards because of a) and c). my Something Important task had something I figured I'd ask my mom about, despite it by then being late in the evening, she offered to help me on it, even eating some food (to help keep her awake while helping me, I think). I asked if that could be postponed to tomorrow because I was so tired. she ended up getting mad because I'd dedicated too much time on that extraneous activity instead of tackling that Something Important task. completely understandable, especially given my past experience with not doing things. but then at some point she started raising her voice and yelling at me. I think this was when I was struggling to respond to one of her questions, but I'm not sure. whenever I'm put in a situation like that, I tend to block out the semantics of her...rambling? angry tirade? it went on for some time, too, late into the night. granted, I did stay up afterwards anyway, partly because I was trying to process what she'd did, but still. she also told me to come up with a plan before today, but I don't remember what it was for, and it didn't matter, because then she called my dad. they both mainly hashed out what had already been said by my mom last night, but more calmly this time. my mom had told me last night that she wanted me to get out of the house in a month. today, I found out that my dad either wanted me to stop using social media or go along with my mom's plan. idk what's going to happen-it'll be hashed out tomorrow, hence why I'm typing this. I figured there's a bit of leeway for me to explain things and make a goodbye message, so I might as well take this chance. I'm hoping I won't be kicked out of the house in a month, because I don't have a lot of income. things would be tougher for my physical and mental well-being if that happened, even with a month to prepare. my mom thinks that it'll help me see the real world but ik all it'll make me to

is have me more susceptible to less than ideal situations. I don't want to fall into poverty and/or be inclined to be more self-destructive. still, in the event that it happens I have to leave the house, I'll still keep fighting to maintain a sense of well being, even if it's hard to come by. I've been struggling a lot for a while, at times even giving up on myself, but I'm still here anyway. and I think that counts for a lot. and regardless, I need to atone for what I've done, at least. my mom's reactions don't wholly feel acceptable to me, but that's no excuse for me to put off my responsibilities-to not give myself the life I need. I've messed up a lot during my struggles, which has to stop-and that can only be done by me taking accountability. my family & myself deserve that peace of mind, at least. plus, it'll be nice to figure out more about myself, work on writing fics & my other hobbies, that sort of thing. if you have read through this, thank you. again, I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll be posting on AO3 for as much as I can with fresh fic content. I'd also like to thank the friends I've met over the past few years on the Internet, specifically on Twitter, Tumblr & Discord. I've always loved talking with you all, sharing my interests with you + vice versa, and overall being able to be myself in a safe space. it means a lot more than you know.

#prose's ponderings #yelling tw #emotional distress tw #vent #long post

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kkryboygayman · 2 years

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/ vent cause i'm fed the fuck up

lmao so after three fucking times of the cycle that is

[i become friends with people, very close to them] [they become my "found family" and i love them] [we stay friends for two years exactly]

[i get forced to move away from where we live] [it separates from my friends, i try my best to stay in touch] [we drift apart, they drop me, or we fight and they don't want to speak to me]

[i go to a new school, depressed, yet manage to make friends after a year/year and a half]

[the cycle fucking repeats itself]

i'm tired. i really am. three fucking times. i'm on my fourth. we have to move again and i'm so fucking tired of this cycle. i'd even forced myself to keep my distance this time. i forced myself to keep my friends at arms length and shut myself out from them, and once i finally got comfortable and thought "it won't happen again," it started. why can't i keep people, what reason does my life have to fuck up my relationships every single fucking time i'm happy? i swear to god, i'm at my fucking limit. and everyone wonders why i'm depressed or have anxiety or i'm scared of relationships. it's because i'm not allowed to fucking keep them, apparently. i don't think i can find ways to cope at this point. i'm fucking done with it all.

#vent #tw vent #don't mind me lmao #turn to panic attacks on tumblr when you can't tell your friends #cause you don't fucking have any

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fallen-grace-smd · 3 years

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Vent post: Way too much; Way too fast

I wanted to make some soul cakes for Halloween. I have to find a good recipe and convert it to a gluten free recipe, without any sugar, and make it pleasant to eat. My work means I get off at 9 PM. So I have to walk to the grocery store at night, and walk back with all of the necessary ingredients by myself because anyone who MIGHT be able to help me is too busy for me to even accept a text message.

I still have to both write and then record Friday's video. I'm trying to focus enough to write down enough to even improvise a script. But if I force myself to focus and write then I can't write because of course that's how my brain is wired.

There was a work meeting about facts with the Covid-19 vaccine and of course anti-vaxxers from the company came to the meeting repeating the same false information throughout the meeting so I couldn't ask any of my questions.

My mother of course is overworking herself because her new hires can't be reliable so she calls me after work so she can vent and this Saturday she has to work so I need to go to work with her to make sure she doesn't become so stressed she has a seizure while driving (yes this has happened. And yes it was because she was so stressed out that she had a seizure, and yes it occurred during the one day I was too busy to talk to her)

I spent the time yesterday to make sure my friend was well enough to relax. Spent time made sure she was through a stressful day and that she felt well enough to happily rest.

Next day, by the time I wake up she's so stressed out that when I said good morning to her caused her a panic attack because I overwhelmed her. So spent most of the day unraveling her stress. 10 hours later I thought she might be well enough to talk about my day. Immediately after I mention the fact I was going to make soul cakes she needs to be alone for an hour. So after that we spend more time unraveling her stress and dealing with her issues.

Can't stress my friend out with the fact I need to find a recipe (the simplest conflict of my day) so it's just talking about her today. The same as it's been since the Crisis began because she cannot cope with stress enough by herself to ask about my day, or even handle me mentioning my day.

But I need to be the moral one and be understanding. Regardless of how bad my day is, or how stressed I am. My friend's day is always worse. Every single time. I understand this. I know this.

She knows I'm stressed. She knows that I want to talk about my day. She knows I need a turn too. That I need attention also.

But she's too stressed. The Crisis offers no comfort, and between the two of us I'm the one who's better adjusted and in a better place. So it's my moral responsibility to make sure that my friend is doing OK. Regardless of how much it hurts me, how much I'm stressed or even if it feels like I'm dying. My friend has it worse and I need to do better so they can make it through the Crisis without feeling like there's no hope in the world.

My tech keeps failing me. I can troubleshoot and solve my issues but it takes time and it's a small stressor that keeps building since I cannot self soothe or get comfort today.

My coworkers are older than me. Some by 5 years others by 30 years. I had to FUCKING REMIND THEM to talk to their supervisor about their technical issues because they kept bringing them to me. Why? "BECAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG. YOU KNOW TECHNOLOGY BETTER THAN THE IT DEPARTMENT." Just because I'm young doesn't make me able to fix other people's technical issues with a proprietary software on a remote desktop. Please for the love of the gods I'm tired of reminding people old enough to be my parents or my grandparents to ask their boss like it's their first time working.

My neighbors keep smashing their floors and walls and they live above me so naturally I can't sleep and relax properly.

My vent post kept deleting itself so I had to keep retyping it.

I'm fucking trying my very FUCKING best in every situation. But this is all too much too fast. There's only one of me and my friends are too busy or too stressed to even hear about the smallest of my issues.

I can't tell them. Their issues are so much worse than mine. And they keep piling their stress on me and I have to fucking remind adults who have been adults for decades to be an adult.

I need attention and comfort too. I can't keep giving from an empty basket. But even pausing long enough so I can enjoy a 15 minute break without dealing with someone else's crisis is too much to ask from my friends in this stressful time.

How do you set healthy limits when people aren't socially able to understand "maybe say good morning first before telling me about your job interview?" Or even understand "Hey, you didn't ask me about my day. Maybe we can talk about my day for 5 minutes before we go into your anxiety and body dysmorphia for the rest of the night?" How do you set healthy limits when your friends can't even understand that they're not even giving a symbolic act of care?

I'm not ok. If something doesn't change and I can't destress I'm not going to survive the Crisis.

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ajokeformur-ray · 3 years

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Hello love,

You say that anyone can vent to you? Somehow you seem like someone who might understand me or at least wouldn't judge me, so I'll try to put my thoughts into words - a great challenge for me. It's not like I'm openly judged by others, at least not anymore, but it's like I feel that they have something to say. Sometimes I have this heavy feeling which I cannot really describe - it's like I can't breath right, like there is a weight constricting my air lungs. After a lot of time, I've found some type of escape for it; music. I love music with my whole heart and when I put it on it's like I remember how to breathe again. But still, I'm so tired of this feeling. I don't want to think the whole time, to feel everything so much, to feel this alone. I have very little family and no friends, never really had. I totally understand why I have no friends, it's probably better this way. I have way too much problems for anyone to bear. I'm totally broken. For example, I have a very low self-esteem, a sun allergy and I'm totally poor and I suffer from my autism, depression and social anxiety and, because that isn't enough, I have a very bright and active mind with thoughts and opinions that very little people do understad, let alone share, and I'm always wearing black. As you can see, I'm a very complex and paradox person. I would love to talk with someone for hours, to share my thoughts, fears, dreams and anything in-between, but I'm nearly unable to talk with someone face to face (the things I have in mind and want to share are just not coming out of my mouth the right way I want them to and it always makes me look like a complete idiot). I'm so nervous around others that it's hard for me to concentrate and I'm constantly stumbling while I walk, which annoys me greatly - there's not even an ounce of elegance in me. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people, just the thought of trying to decently introduce myself scares me endlessly. My self esteem is so low that I mostly think that I'm just not worthy of love, that there is nothing lovable about me - only problems - that the effort that is needed to build a friendship or even more isn't worth the effort. I can never do something with anyone, because I never have money for these kind of activities. I've lost all of my (fake) friends and any possible friend nowdays in the summer when everyone goes out and experiences something while I have to stay inside the whole time. I have such a big heart and a very kind soul, open and accepting for anything and anyone (no matter who they are, where they come from, what they have done, what they believe in and anything else you can think of), but nobody knows that because I'm hardly speaking around others. I'm normally a very potitive human, who sees beauty and goodness in everyone. I especially love animals! If I could, I would adopt them all and show them the love and passion they deserve. I'm also neither intelligent, beautiful or funny, just boring, lazy and complicated with a darkness that most people cannot accept. But please don't understand me wrong! Even though I have all this negative traits, I wouldn't even think about changing myself for anyone, NEVER. I know that I'm not a person people enjoy or like to be around, but I know that I probably have a heart more kind and open than any of theirs. I just fear that I'll always be alone. That there will never be someone with whom I can share my thoughts, with whom I can listen to the calming rain, with whom I can play my favourite music and movies, who is there to hug and cuddle with me, who understands the gibberish that comes out of my mouth, someone who understands how hard it can be for me to maintain contact, who's not annoyed when I didn't get a joke or social que, who somehow breaks my walls down and accepts and loves me for who I am- the darkness and the light.

I have so, so, so, SO much more to say and vent about, but I think this message is long enough with enough self-centered thoughts and I really don't want to bother or burden you with even more! Each of my named problems I could describe even more detailed and I'm sure I have forgotten half the things I wanted to write when I started this message and more things I haven't thought about.

Oh, my love.💜

I read your vent over multiple times and my heart is bleeding for you. I don’t know if you’re looking for a response, but even so I’m going to respond to everything one paragraph at a time and it’s up to you if you want to read it or not ksksksk. I took the liberty of breaking it all up into chunks so that I could respond to everything properly. I hope that that’s okay!💙

Anyone can vent to me, yes! Even if I all I can do is to listen to the person and to validate them and their feelings, that’s better than people sitting with unexpressed feelings. I’m always here for people as much as I’m able to be; Chuckletown’s important to me asdfghjkl.🥺💗

Also, if you would like for this post to be deleted then please let me know and it’ll be done without question.

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It's not like I'm openly judged by others, at least not anymore, but it's like I feel that they have something to say. Sometimes I have this heavy feeling which I cannot really describe - it's like I can't breath right, like there is a weight constricting my air lungs. After a lot of time, I've found some type of escape for it; music. I love music with my whole heart and when I put it on it's like I remember how to breathe again. But still, I'm so tired of this feeling. I don't want to think the whole time, to feel everything so much, to feel this alone. I have very little family and no friends, never really had. I totally understand why I have no friends, it's probably better this way. I have way too much problems for anyone to bear. I'm totally broken.

I’m so proud of you, not only for putting your thoughts into words, but also for venting to me! Anonymous or not, it’s incredibly brave to open up, especially to the degree that you have. I hope that something here offers you some kind of comfort, darling!💗 I’m so sorry that sometimes you have an indescribable weight in your chest sometimes; I can definitely relate to and empathise with you. It’s a sickly feeling and I’ve never really figured out a way for me to battle it, when I experience it. I usually just endure it, and you’ve done amazingly to find something which helps you to breathe again! Music is a wonderful way to cope with it, because it says that which words can’t and it’s definitely one of the healthiest ways to deal with this feeling, which I know is a common symptom of anxiety and/or depression. I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered so deeply for so long, darling.😔 No one deserves to feel this way. Take it all even a day at a time, my love, and keep your favourite songs close by. I can relate to how you feel, and my heart’s bleeding for you. Everything you’re feeling is valid and I hope that in time you find the inner peace and closure which you deserve. I’m so sorry that you feel so alone, darling; everyone deserves to have connections, friends and family who care about them. If you’re a hug person, I would like to send you many digital hugs!🤗🤗🤗 If you’re not a hug person, then I would like to send you respectable head nods or any other form of acceptable affection omg nonnie you don’t deserve any of this.😭

Oh, honey. You are worthy of and deserving of friends and of the things which you most want in your life and I dearly hope that those things and people find you soon. A problem shared is a problem halved and I’m sending you so much love and strength. I want you to know that I am always here for you; you can stay anonymous and chat to me like this, or you can DM me or I can give you my Discord if you would rather. I am here for you, if you would like for me to be. I’m worried about you and I’m thinking of you and I’m so sorry that it took me just under a day to respond to this.😔I wanted to give you proper fleshed out responses to every paragraph.💝

For example, I have a very low self-esteem, a sun allergy and I'm totally poor and I suffer from my autism, depression and social anxiety and, because that isn't enough, I have a very bright and active mind with thoughts and opinions that very little people do understad, let alone share, and I'm always wearing black. As you can see, I'm a very complex and paradox person. I would love to talk with someone for hours, to share my thoughts, fears, dreams and anything in-between, but I'm nearly unable to talk with someone face to face (the things I have in mind and want to share are just not coming out of my mouth the right way I want them to and it always makes me look like a complete idiot). I'm so nervous around others that it's hard for me to concentrate and I'm constantly stumbling while I walk, which annoys me greatly - there's not even an ounce of elegance in me. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people, just the thought of trying to decently introduce myself scares me endlessly.

I’m so sorry that you have such low self-esteem. I can definitely relate to and empathise with you; I’ve never been especially confident or fond of myself, so I understand. You suffer so deeply and you are incredibly strong to be able to get through everything which you think, feel and experience. My heart is *bleeding* for you but I’m also very proud of you. You are definitely a complex person and I’m sure that you have many interesting thoughts and opinions (which I would love to hear if you’re comfortable with sharing them!). You deserve to be heard and to have all of those long and deep conversations and I’m so sorry that talking face-to-face makes it difficult to articulate yourself.😔 I experience the same trouble in face-to-face interactions and I truly sound like an idiot sometimes when I try to speak. I’m not, and my thoughts are usually quite long-winded, but it just doesn’t translate well between my brain and my mouth. I understand, darling, and I’m so sorry that you can’t necessarily have verbal conversations. Being who you are will always be enough for the right people; you are a thousand times enough. I’m so sorry that you have so many fears, angel. You deserve so much more than all of this.💛

My self esteem is so low that I mostly think that I'm just not worthy of love, that there is nothing lovable about me - only problems - that the effort that is needed to build a friendship or even more isn't worth the effort. I can never do something with anyone, because I never have money for these kind of activities. I've lost all of my (fake) friends and any possible friend nowdays in the summer when everyone goes out and experiences something while I have to stay inside the whole time. I have such a big heart and a very kind soul, open and accepting for anything and anyone (no matter who they are, where they come from, what they have done, what they believe in and anything else you can think of), but nobody knows that because I'm hardly speaking around others. I'm normally a very potitive human, who sees beauty and goodness in everyone. I especially love animals! If I could, I would adopt them all and show them the love and passion they deserve.

Just as you are, you are worthy and deserving of love. There is nothing you could ever say or do which would change that face. You exist and that means that you are worthy and I’m so sorry that your self-esteem is so low.😔 You are not your problems; they do not define you and you deserve so much more than your mind is telling you, though of course you are valid in every way!💖 I’m so sorry that you’re unable to do activities with friends or others in the summer; I have no irl friends either so I definitely understand how isolating and/or disheartening this experience can be. You’re such a beautiful soul and you deserve everything you want! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (including you, though I know it’s easier said than believed!) 💚 You truly are incredible and I’m so, so proud of you. I’m in awe of your strength and I’m sending lots of love your way! As I said, darling, if you would like to be friends then please know that you are more than welcome to reach out to me (or I can reach out to you if you would prefer - just let me know somehow). You are always enough, and you matter, angel. You matter and you are worthy of friendship and of love.

I'm also neither intelligent, beautiful or funny, just boring, lazy and complicated with a darkness that most people cannot accept. But please don't understand me wrong! Even though I have all this negative traits, I wouldn't even think about changing myself for anyone, NEVER. I know that I'm not a person people enjoy or like to be around, but I know that I probably have a heart more kind and open than any of theirs. I just fear that I'll always be alone. That there will never be someone with whom I can share my thoughts, with whom I can listen to the calming rain, with whom I can play my favourite music and movies, who is there to hug and cuddle with me, who understands the gibberish that comes out of my mouth, someone who understands how hard it can be for me to maintain contact, who's not annoyed when I didn't get a joke or social que, who somehow breaks my walls down and accepts and loves me for who I am- the darkness and the light.

Oh, darling.😔 Honey, you are all of those good things and I’m so sorry that you believe the opposite, though once again you are so valid and I completely understand. My heart’s breaking for you.😔 YES WE STAN!!!! I’m so proud of you for not compromising upon yourself or who you are for anyone. That is wisdom and strength and bravery - you are more than you know!🥰 Nonnie, I’m so so proud of you!!!! I’m so sorry that you fear you’ll always be alone. Life is bigger, madder and stranger than you know and I just know that this isn’t it for you. There’s more out there for you and your time will come, I absolutely promise! Already, by venting to me, you have taken a massive first step and I can only hope that bigger and better finds you soon! I sincerely hope that you find this person to do all of these wonderful things with you! Very young, I had to learn to be my own best friend so I never really experience loneliness; I’ve learned to be happy with being alone in my room all the time, and it was never ideal but it was something I had to learn. I’ve been a solitary one for a long time, but I know that for other people it isn’t necessarily possible to learn to be content with one’s own company, and I dearly hope that you can find this person soon! You deserve everything you need and want and you are worthy of and deserving of love and friendship!💙💙💙💙 The darkness and the light can and do co-exist and I am truly so proud of you for being so tender-hearted and wise and I want you to know that you are extremely valid and always enough.

My love, you can absolutely vent to me some more if you would like to! You deserve a space in which to do so and I’ll listen to you if you would like to talk to me - you are not a bother or a burden and I really... I won’t say I enjoyed answering this ask, because that’s the wrong sentiment, but I certainly was willing to put in the effort. I care about you, nonnie, and I want you to know that I’m here for you if you would like for me to be!🧡 You deserve so much more than all of this and my heart is breaking for you. I’m so, so proud of you for reaching out to me, and I’m sending you love, strength and everything good in the world - you deserve it all and more!😊💛

#nonnie

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Rio & Nancy

Rio: So, I have something to say to you Rio: And I waited 'til I left so you don't have to find space in your luggage for my body, before you ask Nancy: Okay... Nancy: slightly scared but tell me anyway Rio: Me too, girl Rio: but I'll just say it, 'cos I should've before Rio: the party, at your parent's rental Rio: it was my party Nancy: That's not funny, Ri Nancy: He's my twin, I suffer the joint parties so nobody else has to Rio: It isn't, I know Rio: but it was, I was there and they were all my friends Rio: I had no intention for it to get that out of hand, for the police to come Rio: to ruin shit for you, I'm really sorry Nancy: So you let him take the blame? Rio: I know, that's why I'm telling you Rio: so you don't blame him Rio: not for this anyway Nancy: He must've still given you the keys Nancy: and he was still there when it got so out of control Nancy: all I'm learning is that it's both your faults Nancy: Like he's stupid, you're stupider Rio: I just wanted you to know that it wasn't all him Rio: I'm not trying to change your mind Nancy: Why? Nancy: Why do you want me to know that? You think he's a prick too Rio: Like you said, I let him take the fall Rio: that ain't right, whoever it is Rio: I'm not trying to aggravate anyone's situations and relationships Nancy: say sorry to him without including me Rio: You can be mad at me, its fine Nancy: Oh I am Nancy: his excuse is any for a party, yeah? 🙄 but I don't understand why you would do this Rio: Why can't I just want to go to a party too Rio: and not think about everyone it may or may not affect, like Rio: I'm sorry, and I really am, but I'm not the one making you go home Nancy: cos you live there! Don't tell me there weren't others that you could've gone too Nancy: that wouldn't end in us going back Rio: It was an oversight Rio: I shouldn't have said yes but I did so you do with that info whatever you need to okay Nancy: you know what he's like and all the encouragement he DOESN'T need to do stuff like this Nancy: he'd have done it whether you were there or not but the fact is you were and you didn't stop him at any point Rio: It was only a party Rio: no one died Nancy: tell that to my mum and dad Nancy: seriously, please do Rio: He wants to handle it himself with them, which is why he took the blame Nancy: Cool yeah and I'll handle being back here myself Nancy: you say maybe you just wanted a party, well maybe I just wanted a break from everything that I already told you has happened Rio: I don't doubt that Rio: but you can't hold me responsible like I'm the one taking you home or I'm the one doing the bullying Rio: I don't have the power to prevent either, I wish I did but I've not claimed it and you don't think I do, equally, I don't have the power to enforce either Nancy: but I can for acting like you care how bad it is and then helping Buster be stupid enough to cause another Nancy: just ridiculous shitshow Rio: I do care Rio: but all of this is nothing more than you said, a break, distraction, from the actual shitshow that is waiting back home and won't go away Rio: do your parents know? Nancy: I can't tell them Rio: You have to Rio: you can't live like this Nancy: I can't have my mum look at me like that again Nancy: every time she has to remind the old men who teach us that dyslexia is a thing, it's a THING Nancy: and my dad doesn't understand anything, you know Rio: It's their job to fight your corner Rio: and they will Rio: you have to tell them how bad it is Nancy: they always do, that's the point Nancy: Buster hasn't needed them to do anything since he started school basically Nancy: they love him for it Rio: then maybe that's the problem Rio: what if he doesn't want them to look at him like that either Nancy: This would never happen to him, or them Nancy: so it's my fault that I'm the one that's different Nancy: that's what he thinks and that's what they'd think too, like Rio: everyone has different issues Rio: that doesn't mean no issues, ever Rio: even if you are different, they still love you Nancy: I'm handling it, not the way they would, but I am Rio: How? Nancy: what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right? Nancy: don't people say that Rio: People are idiots Nancy: It's not how my family do things, talking Nancy: I can't just spill my truth over the dinner table in place of asking for salt Rio: Fixing things, isn't that what yours like to do best Rio: give them the chance, you can save the rest for someone who's a better listener, someone more comforting, I'm not saying you have to do that Rio: but this can't carry on Nancy: it won't forever Nancy: she's clearly in love with me or something, that's every homophobe's narrative in every YA thing ever Nancy: once she gets over it, I'll be fine Rio: This ain't teen drama, and she isn't Rio: this is serious Nancy: I know how serious it is Nancy: Living it Rio: Then stop Nancy: it's not that easy Rio: No, its brave Rio: but so is enduring that level of hate every single day Rio: without any of the reward Rio: so I know you can do it Nancy: it'll make it worse if I say anything Nancy: I don't know if I can cope with that even hypothetically so Rio: How much worse could it be Rio: how much more are you willing to take before that point, not hypothetical, 'cos all of that is already happening and it won't just get better on its own Nancy: I'm not testing that at my own expense, okay? Rio: Don't Nancy: She's got so many friends, boys as well Rio: Some friend Rio: I'm sure loads of people hate her too Nancy: Maybe Nancy: and I'm sure at least some of them spend every day holding their breath too Nancy: I'm not starting a club Rio: Who do you think she is to bully you Rio: because that's the truth, she can only get away with it because you think she's somehow better than you Nancy: I barely know her Rio: exactly, she should be irrelevant Nancy: what's closer to the truth, I think, is that I refuse to see other girls as my competition and she can't stand it Nancy: I could weaponize things she obviously feels self conscious about, but I won't Rio: That just feeds into it being your fault, that there's any reasoning that's acceptable Rio: if you didn't have those insecurities yourself, she couldn't use them, fuck her and hers Nancy: my sexuality isn't an insecurity, not to me Nancy: the fact that I'm not whatever Chelsea girl cliche she thinks I should be is far from either Rio: Then get help Rio: if you thought you deserved it, you would Rio: that's the problem, there, you can't see getting help as anything but a weakness Rio: letting someone treat you like shit is, especially when you say you have the confidence to see you deserve better Nancy: and trade it in for my parents disappointment? thanks but no Nancy: letting everyone see and treat me like 'that bullied girl' is no better Rio: Then don't be Rio: that is all you're being Rio: in what world do you think either of them would be proud you grin and beared it from some bitches not worth half of you Nancy: If I wanted any of this I'd ask my brother for advice Rio: Just because the solution is walk through the fire and that sounds terrifying, doesn't mean you aren't fucking living in it Nancy: I don't need you to tell me how I'm living Nancy: or what fear is like Rio: You don't want anyone to examine it Rio: you wanna just disappear, so they can't see you and no one else can Rio: this shit will shrink you and wear you down to nothing but 'that bullied girl' and that's the fucking truth Nancy: You're being a real bitch right now actually Nancy: and not just for making me call you one Rio: Call me what you like Rio: I know myself and my intentions Nancy: so do I but what you don't know is how difficult this is Rio: Yes I do Nancy: it's so constant and I'm so tired Nancy: I don't have time or space to explain to my mum and dad why and what is happening Rio: There's no alternative Nancy: there's no words for any of it Nancy: to make them understand that it's not just stupid kid stuff that they'll tell me to sort out on my own Rio: There are Rio: but if you say them it stops being stupid kid stuff and it makes it serious and real Nancy: not in my head, you know how hard it is for me to find any Nancy: when I'm upset it's worse Nancy: I can't organise my thoughts ever any more Rio: I can help you, or Junior or Billie or any of us would be happy to Nancy: I haven't told either of them Rio: Who knows? Nancy: you Nancy: and Buster unavoidably Rio: You should talk to them Rio: Junior especially, he's never had an easy time of school either Nancy: that's why I don't wanna worry him Nancy: he's so sweet but what can he do? Rio: Get it Rio: if you're feeling misunderstood by the rest of us Nancy: I vented to him forever before I came out, he doesn't need this too Nancy: it's not fair Rio: That's what friends are for Nancy: he's my escape from it, he'll stop being if I drag him right in Nancy: it's already all you wanna talk about Rio: Its your life Rio: you can't escape it Nancy: I do though Rio: and its still there when you get home Nancy: Like I said, telling on her isn't gonna fix that Rio: Fine Nancy: You don't get to be mad at me about this Rio: How do you expect me to talk to you about anything else like you don't hate your life? Nancy: Don't talk to me then Rio: You may be happy to ignore it but I won't Nancy: Happy is an oversimplification Nancy: you're ignoring everything I've said Rio: And you don't get to tell me not to be mad Rio: Like I don't care about you and have every right to be worried Nancy: I can tell you not to be mad at me if you're telling me it's not my fault but treating me like it is Rio: I'm not Nancy: everything you want me to do only makes my life worse, not hers Nancy: my school is stuck in a timewarp and she's surrounded by people who support her even if it wasn't Rio: Because this isn't about her, or revenge or being that person Rio: she's that person and clearly her life is shit enough already if that's how she treats people Rio: why am I pretending to you that its easy, exactly? Rio: when has life ever been Nancy: Yeah okay Nancy: Life's hard, why do I have to be the one to make it harder? Nancy: Why can't they just stop Rio: Because they aren't handling their own shit Rio: you shouldn't be the one to take that on just 'cos they've picked you to do it Nancy: I miss you Rio: I miss you too Rio: I am so sorry you had to go back before planned, okay, you know I am Nancy: Of course I do Rio: Its your life, alright, do what you have to but I know you aren't okay Nancy: I'm trying Rio: I know you are Rio: some things you can't do alone Rio: shouldn't have to Nancy: I know Nancy: I'll try to talk to mum but you really have to pick your moments with her Nancy: and with Buster determined to wind her up right now, there aren't loads Nancy: I have no idea how you could bear to be in the same room as him, especially with all your friends there Rio: If anyone knows how tough it is to get parents undivided attention, its me, don't worry Rio: he's not so bad Rio: sure I'd feel different if he was my twin though Nancy: when he's drunk or high, he's worse Nancy: which is like always now so Rio: We've all got shit we're dealing with badly, yeah? Nancy: Okay, good connection made there, even if it does wanna make me scream how not like him I am Nancy: that's just twin things, I guess Rio: I'm not going to force you into matching outfits, like, don't worry Nancy: Oh god Rio: You can admit he's human too, I won't tell Nancy: If he'll ever admit that he likes being a bad person, maybe Rio: No one likes being a bad person Rio: sometimes its the easier thing to do though Rio: we all want an easy life Nancy: he never goes for what's easier, he does what he wants to do Rio: We should all do what we wanna do, shouldn't we? Nancy: If it doesn't hurt people, sure Nancy: but not if you don't care whether it does or not Nancy: and constantly put yourself before every and anyone else Rio: What constitutes hurt? Nancy: You know what I mean and what he's like Rio: I'm just saying, bigots say that kinda thing about being gay, that it hurts everyone around you etc Rio: you can apply it to a lot of shit that is actually fine, even if you're not about it, you know Nancy: Gross Nancy: I'm applying it to his attitude and how he treats people Nancy: neither of which are fine Rio: Its not your burden to bear, you know Rio: you can't affect how he treats you, never mind other people Rio: you can only decide how you react to it Nancy: Well I'm not sorry for wanting him back Nancy: how he used to be Rio: That makes sense Nancy: Don't you remember how kind he used to be? How funny and genuine Nancy: he used to care about us Rio: He's still got the potential to be that person Rio: people change constantly Rio: for good, bad, better and worse Nancy: exactly, so I'm not gonna let him be a prick unchecked Rio: Okay Nancy: mum and dad let him get away with too much Nancy: sending him home isn't gonna help when he behaves better in Dublin and always has Nancy: they're just embarrassed Rio: Yeah well, parents rarely know what's best Rio: even if they chat like its 100% in their favour Nancy: right? Rio: Its all about confidence Nancy: mine have too much of that, let's be honest Nancy: 🙄 Nancy: I'll admit it was a good idea having the party there, well it would've been if he didn't get found out Rio: It was good Rio: 'til the garda ruined it Nancy: thanks for the invite 😏 Rio: You wanna be in the same place as your brother? 😱 Nancy: I have to avoid him the rest of the time, I would've managed Rio: My bad Rio: next soiree Nancy: You thought I wouldn't come Nancy: but in my defense, I've only been to family parties Rio: its much the same but just with people you aren't related to Nancy: I doubt that or nobody would have any Nancy: must be slightly fun Rio: nope, exactly the same Rio: expectation to enjoy yourself and 'just have fun' is even higher, actually Nancy: oh great Nancy: what I suffer from my bullies, I don't suffer from peer pressure Nancy: good to know I'm not missing out thanks to my lack of friends Rio: Don't grow up, babe Nancy: excuse you Nancy: I'd pick Tinkerbell over Peter Pan Rio: Of course you would Rio: you sound like Wendy though 😏 Nancy: so rude Nancy: I won't make the 🐶👶👶 comparison for you though Rio: You've already called me a bitch, babe Nancy: I'm sorry, okay Rio: Forget it Rio: I've been called worse and invariably will be called ever worser Nancy: but not by me Nancy: it's obviously not you I'm mad at Rio: I know that, don't worry, seriously Nancy: it's just so lonely and frustrating Nancy: like is this my payback for not having gay angst Nancy: so sorry that girls are beautiful and I don't feel bad about it Rio: Being a teenager is trauma Rio: no one gets to adulthood unscathed or you wouldn't survive Nancy: Yeah and I know it could be worse Nancy: everything that happened to my mum, to nan, to so many of them Rio: doesn't mean this isn't bad too Rio: or that your mum would dismiss it Nancy: they handled it though Nancy: better than I can or I am Rio: None of its a competition Rio: and nan would be the first to tell you her life isn't aspirational or inspirational Nancy: I just feel like she deserves a different daughter after everything Nancy: a stronger one Rio: All anyone wants is happy and healthy kids Rio: if your list is longer than that then you shouldn't have 'em Nancy: I know but Buster's so brave, she raised me to be like that too Rio: Like I said, you are brave Nancy: I'm scared all the time, he's not scared of anything Rio: Everyone's scared Rio: he just hides it well Nancy: Another skill he's got, like Rio: Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear Rio: now someone did say that 'cos I quoted it Nancy: shame I'll forget it by the time I finish writing this Nancy: having no short term memory is really annoying Rio: sure there's a poster or a mug I can get you Nancy: 😊 Rio: is it an early flight then? Nancy: Yeah Nancy: I'm sleepy just thinking about it Rio: Ugh Rio: not even long enough that you can sleep Nancy: it's so weird to me that they even do flights that short Nancy: isn't there like a million checks and stuff they have to do before? Rio: 😂 the things you think about Rio: Probably like nipping down the shop for a pint of milk to the pilots, routine as Nancy: I guess Nancy: but it'll take longer for me to decide what I'm wearing than it will to get there Rio: D'ya wanna sound more first-worldy, babe Rio: I know I said all problems are created almost equal but don't take the piss with it Nancy: also my hair won't be dry 😏 Rio: you can truly fuck off with that one Rio: my hair retains water FOREVER Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I knew you'd like that Rio: So, we're good? Nancy: Of course Rio: 🙏 Nancy: 💋 Nancy: I mean, if you go to any more parties with my brother we'll have to be sworn enemies but that's standard Rio: 😏 Nancy: since it's partly your fault I'll be there again, you really should come to London though Rio: Yeah? Rio: that'd be cool, I was wanting to go anyway Nancy: if your mum and dad will let you and your boyfriend won't be too 💔 that I'm stealing you away Rio: ha Rio: that 🚢 sailed 'fore your ✈ set off Nancy: Oh Nancy: are you okay? Rio: 😂 Rio: yeah, again, don't worry Rio: I'll survive Nancy: I am worried now cos clearly you can't get a word in Nancy: 😶 Rio: Nah, there's not much to say about it Rio: neither a problem nor important, legit Nancy: well I've deleted my 👄 now so Nancy: and if you dumped him cos of his inability to dress you for the wedding, babe, that's ALL straight boys Nancy: just saying Rio: whereas lesbians are known for their impeccable dress sense 😏 Rio: and he dumped me actually, not over my wedding outfit though Nancy: breaking my heart when yours isn't, is very unfair Nancy: and he obviously couldn't use that as a reason, you looked 🔥 Rio: put on your comfiest flannel and 😭 babe Rio: exactly though, occupational hazard of dating me, he couldn't hack it Nancy: that's both slander and a borderline hate crime cos I have and will never 😧! Nancy: you deserve more parties and I won't be a bitch about any of them Nancy: even if you invite Buster and not me, again Rio: You're so sweet Nancy: it's just a fact that the fragile male ego isn't ready for someone as pretty as you Rio: You aren't turning me Rio: but I appreciate the compliment nonetheless Nancy: that's not what I'm 🤔 more like how to find you someone mature without being gross old Rio: What about your own love life Rio: let's 🔎 there Nancy: I don't have one Nancy: we all know boys are really slow at growing up but that doesn't mean any girls I've encountered are ready for me either Nancy: they only started letting girls into my school a few decades ago, I'm the only one who's out from that already shockingly small number Rio: You live in London though Rio: one of the most diverse cities ever Rio: get out of that ⬜ and into a different ⚪ yeah Nancy: what am I gonna do sit weirdly alone at every tourist attraction 🤞🧡? I don't have any friends to do anything with Rio: that's why you join clubs, take up hobbies Rio: friends and girlfriends aren't gonna break in your house and interrupt your netflix marathon, like Nancy: if I get my 📷 out that's stalking Rio: get permission first, like Rio: rule no1 of not being a creepy/illegal photographer Nancy: thanks for putting that in writing for me Nancy: I'll try and remember Rio: any time, babe Nancy: Why did he break up with you? Rio: Oh, someone told him I was all over someone else at the party Nancy: Ugh Nancy: so it wasn't even for a good reason Rio: I mean they weren't lying Rio: just overexaggerating but whatever Nancy: Wait, I've missed a break up and a hookup? Oh my god Nancy: really out of your ⚪ right now Rio: It was that kinda party Nancy: Buster does know how to throw them, like Nancy: quite Gatsby of him Rio: okay, nerd Rio: you lost me 😏 Nancy: you saw the movie, don't lie Rio: perhaps Rio: 💚 Nancy: and I only did cos Jordan Baker has such lesbian energy and her beard Nick is clearly in love with Gatsby so call me what you like Rio: she plays golf, no straight woman would dream of being that boring Nancy: or dressing how 🏌 do Rio: precisely Nancy: I'll find a well dressed lesbian somewhere, somehow Nancy: though it could take years Rio: no pressure Rio: don't need another wedding any time soon Nancy: Gross Nancy: I'm never getting married Rio: nah? Nancy: we covered that I don't like family parties, yeah? Rio: I guess so Rio: you don't have to do it like that though Nancy: anyway it's so hetero Nancy: no way am I being given away by my dad like I belong to him Nancy: or taking someone else's name cos they like own me now 🙄 Rio: 🙄 Rio: 1. who does that or has since like 1988 babe Rio: 2. we get it, you're the man, you don't have to do that either Nancy: literally every straight couple ever Nancy: and those kind of 'which one of you is the groom' jokes aren't gonna sell it either Nancy: I'm triggered at the prospect Rio: were you at my parents wedding or Rio: this bullying got you behaving all manner or retro tbh Nancy: your parents are far from traditional, we all know Rio: so you don't have to be Nancy: let me find a well dressed girlfriend first before you worry about dressing me for my wedding, like Rio: 👌 Nancy: I understand you wanna see me 😳 but it won't be cute Rio: just don't be so judgey Rio: that ain't cute Nancy: okay that's fair Nancy: I shouldn't judge anyone else by elite Chelsea girl 'standards' I know that Nancy: this place is just mind altering Rio: You're all good, babe 🧡 Rio: I'll keep you in-check Nancy: I really hate it Nancy: you'll see, even our house is too big and too.....blank Nancy: like a gallery if someone forgot to put the art in Rio: I'm sure your room is cosy Nancy: I've got space for a giant wardrobe that's a plus Nancy: and I don't have to fight Buster for the mirror cos that's a fight I'd NEVER win Rio: 😂 Rio: so there's some pluses Nancy: 😏 end of rant, I promise Rio: You've got packing to do, conserve some energy Nancy: I WOULD'VE FORGOT TO PACK 😲😣😂 Rio: Oh honey Nancy: I'm just sleeping soundly til the morning when I have to throw an empty case in like I'm Lisa Simpson starting a new life and getting new friends at the beach Rio: Its a plan Rio: not gonna go ahead and call it solid but you know Rio: go have those sweet dreams Nancy: we can't okay it when my dad loves his car like a 4th child Nancy: I'll go and pack Nancy: 🧡 Rio: Perhaps enough drama for one trip Rio: there's always next time 🧡 Nancy: as long as you don't tell Buster the same thing, like Nancy: 💚💋 Rio: 😶🤞

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the-amalgam-house · 3 years

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I'm mad tired from not being able to sleep for like. At least the past 24 hours if not longer, but now that my mind is tired enough to not Freak Out™️ over things, I have time to Process. Maybe I'm too tired to be coherent about it, but tonight I've been thinking about all the things that I once disliked and grew to like due to beloved friends, and the things I once loved that were taken from me by people who betrayed my trust. Why does being human have to be so complicated?

That someone could take from me something so essential to who I once was and shatter it to irreparable pieces so small I still haven't even found them all is so frustrating! Roleplay was my LIFE, it was my cope and my escape, and aside from the occasional D&D game, I haven't been able to step back into that mindset in over SIX years. A method of escape that was precious to me since I was a child, since the days of logging into AOL chat rooms about Dragon Ball OCs hanging out at the beach. I was 12.

In 2015, the year we stopped talking (I was 27, we'd been close friends for 5-ish years), they'd drained all enthusiasm for roleplay from me. Couldn't even participate with other friends, cause all I could think about was how terrible I'd feel if I blew them off to rp with my other friends. How they were the one person who constantly wanted to rp in my cool world all the time but only on their terms. How they tried to take over my stories to suit their narrative, and tried to change my OCs to their liking. My very personal characters who more or less became my home away from home. Why the fuck would you do that to someone?

And the prodding prodding PRODDING for erotic rp that I was never comfortable with, but I was a people pleaser, I needed to be sure that people still wanted to actually spend time with me, that I wouldn't be left alone, so I agreed anyway. I don't even have much of a connection to Kristoph anymore, but maybe that's for the better. Before them, I wasn't that attached to him anyway. But now it's not just an ambivalent acquaintance thing, more of an actively can't stand being reminded of the person who destroyed it all thing. Idk.

Now even simple words like "needy" or "violet" or the word "Crystal" as a name fill me with anger and dread. Why do I have to be saddled with the trauma of being scared to complain at all because maybe they'll try to one-up me in a game of "who has it worse!" instead of just being able to vent and commiserate. Why do THEY get to go off and be a twitch streamer and make steady income on creative endeavors and sit back and complain about very changeable situations while I lay in bed, whole body hurting, brain made of fog and self hatred and regret?

But I met some of the greatest people through them. I met Daisy and Jay and Kit and the Victoria I DO like. Through them all collectively I learned nonstandard gender identity, nonhuman identity, met my werewolf server and all the friends there, bettered my art, and had some really great and memorable roleplays, game arguments, shared foods, dumb memes...

One of the most harmful "friends" I'd ever had did bring me a circle of friends who actually do matter to me. One of the most abusive people I'd ever attached myself to in adulthood, maybe THE most abusive seeing as how they abused all these other friends too, was also the one who introduced me to one of the greatest people I've ever known. That great person, Daisy, was so severely harmed by them, in a way I feel like I should have been able to protect them from.

It's all so complicated and convoluted. I wish, I WISH things were more straightforward, more cut and dry. But it isn't. Humans are inherently complicated. And messy and foggy and great and terrible. Tonight is just a reminder that it's okay to miss your abusers, even if you think you've been over it for years. They're out of my life for a reason, I will never need them back. I can reclaim what is mine.

#toby talk #vent post #I have a lot of thoughts on my mind at any given time #but tonight's have been oddly both painful and cathartic #I don't actually hope you rot and die #because I think even now I'd be devastated #but I'm better off never knowing another single thing about you ever again #please be dead to me even in my memory

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xiao-nomine · 7 years

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* You are filled with DETERMINATION. And DEPRESSION? * ... * Plus friends. * ... * ... * ...How did you even manage that...?

#yay for sometimes finding the best way to explain things is with game stuff #uh it'd be p neat to see someone do something with this because I can't cause my computer is broke but #don't mind me simi venting with something overdone and probably done already #...I just realized the 3 I identify with most are... well... short #I'm starting to think part of me really misses being shorter because then I wasn't so easy to spot like when I was younger #I'm just tired I guess #I'm tired of being terrified #I'm tired of the entirety of my being forcing me to run #even from things I can handle sometimes #I'm tired of getting in my own way time after time #and having people tho are nt or have a good support group and medications to the point you almost can't tell they aren't tell me #all I need to do to fix everything is stop running.#because clearly doing my best to cope with how my life is out of my hands and I clearly can't handle taking care of it when it is in my hand #isn't enough to justify running from everything?#this feeling that nothing matters and I'll stay in this purgatory of suffering but not about to die and comfortable enough where things don'#don't really change #sometimes even when I try to drown it in soda and whatever sugar I can find it's still there #eating at me.#and if one more streight white guy with a job and a strong family support system try's to say it's easy to get better and get a job or you #just have to take whatever you can get because you can't be picky for your first job or you just need to fight for it #I'm going to scream.#because it's not #do you think is easy being like this?#do you know how tired I am of having to validate my existence as a person sometimes?#who do I even fight to get things in order?#heh if I even could fight.#I have a fighting spirit but you know its mangled and I wish I wasn't so scared #sometimes I'm painfully aware of everything and all the ways things could go #all I see in my future is this loop and bad ends unless someone can get me out but...#I fear it's too late for me to recover enough to not be a useless waste of space in a reasonable amount of time

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adrimdr · 6 years

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18th

Today was full of surprises...

I've been waking up seeking my life's purpose, I keep walking to find myself and I conquer everyday to go on with life, these processes led me to discover the people that will help me define life and its true meaning, a life filled with genuineness is a life worth living.

The Lord is good all the time, I am and will always be grateful for His grace. He gave me this life to live and for that I knew all along I was bestowed with so much of His love. I believe that He had planned the sequences in my life, it's my duty to walk into that path He made. Eighteen years have passed and I am gradually becoming the woman He made me to be, God, I know I'm blessed by your enticing holiness. Glory is all Yours.

To my family, who have been my source of virtue here on land, I can never deliver the rightful words to vent everything I'm thankful for, I have tons of them embedded in my heart. I do not have a perfect family but I will never trade my family for anything else, I love them as much as I love myself.

To my best friend, to the one who I get to share who I really am as a person, thank you Alexandra for being such a consistent companion. We have thrived years to live up to this day and I know how happy we both are for each other's successes in life. I got you until the end, I sincerely pray for this friendship to emulate growth in our minds and hearts as individuals and secure a love we know for sure that will always stay the same. You are a blessing, my blessing. Thank you for being a part of my life, always will be. My birthday has been extra special, I felt our hearts so close though I was miles and miles apart from where you stand, distance never hindered our victories and that's what I love about us. We never fail to celebrate our successes together, we keep going strong day by day and for that I am utterly elated. I love you and you are always in my heart.

What's a birthday without surprises?

To Renalyn and Ann Justine, who went to my house and did their agenda to surprise me home while I was away, thank you both for making me happy. Our friendship wasn't expected, we weren't really that close but things eventually happen accord to what the Lord planned and I guess binding our hearts was part of it. I have witnessed how good persons you both are, your hearts are as pure as your souls. It's such a privilege to have been able to meet people like you two. Thank you for appreciating who I am, thank you for being my friends.

To you who treated me my ever favorite drink, iced coffee, on my special day. Thank you, Ivan for staying with me through my storm when I felt the problem sinking me down to my lowest, you never left my side. You helped me cope up with all the heartbreaks I had back then... thank you, Vanny. I am grateful.

To everyone who greeted me first thing in the morning up to the very last minute before my birthday ended, thank you all for your warm messages. It made my heart flatter in bliss, those messages were all so sweet. Thank you!

To my bestest barkada and my favorite people to share my experience with, who never fail to surprise me on special days like this... Thank you, (mga bakla) Alexa, Fatricia, Cedric, Vincent *insert Alex, Ja Red, Raiza, Den, Jm & Kobe* I love you all from the core of my heart, you are all my greatest confidants in life. The bond we built years ago have been stronger now, I can imagine my life as an adventure I would wanna relive and replay with all of you. This family we established will forever hold a huge space in my heart. Thank you all for being my source of happiness as well where I am able to step out of my comfort zone to feel alive and know the true definition of living life.

And to you who make my heart happy, Jorge. Thank you for celebrating my birthday with me today, my smile was painted right from the moment our eyes met. I wasn't expecting any of these to happen... We drifted in bad terms and went on our separate ways back then and all along I thought everything would end there but it didn't... because I never stopped caring, I did eventually become happy after you left but I'd be lying if I admit and say I care nothing about you. In a span of seven months, I felt okay (kinda). Someone came to pass by, only to make me realize how much I've been supressing the same feelings I had for you back then, it never went away, it was never gone. Maybe I just needed that someone to make me realize that it's been you all along. It's you, still. I don't get to say this much to you but I really am grateful we found ourselves coming back to each other. Thank you for plastering my genuine smile I can't seem to wipe of my face tonight.

Dear self,

You are finally becoming the woman you are meant to become. Continue to chase your dreams and grasp the happiness you deserve. It won't be as easy as it may seem but you just have to keep believing you can in spite of the hindrances coming. I know you get tired and exhausted but that doesn't validate a hands up, you have no room for giving up, remember that. Let your heart smile through life's thick and thin because you can win over the obstacles occuring if you just choose to win. Love yourself more and live because you are alive. You are God's masterpiece and no one can define who you are except for yourself. Happiest birthday!

Love, self.

10.15.18

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