#and please listen to phoenix rising because it fucking destroys my heart and soul

[grim-echoes]

Day by day, watching you disappear Wishing that you were still here beside me On my own, swimming against the tide There's nobody on my side but your memory Then you'll rise right before my eyes On wings that fill the sky Like a phoenix rising Like a phoenix rising

Annihilator - Phoenix Rising

On January 17th 2021, me and my close friends sat down to watch my partner stream a brand new game for us all; one that had been on our radars for a while and one that I personally had only heard of a few months prior. We had a choice between this and two other games, and I'd decided completely on a whim that I wanted to see something new. The trailer for the game had me intrigued—by all accounts it didn't look like something I might have played of my own accord, and yet it drew me in with the combination of its colorful, charming spritework, the bittersweet, wistful music, and the morbid allure of something darker lurking just underneath the surface, beckoning me to discover what this seemingly unassuming little number truly had to offer. So, it was decided—that was the game that they would be streaming for those of us that were equally as curious as me.

"I'm planning on streaming Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass tonight," they said, pinging everyone in the process. "If you're interested in seeing that at any point, say so."

We gathered around, waiting patiently for other members of our circle to situate themselves before the stream began. In retrospect, I've never seen such high attendance rates for a stream in our group before, and certainly not for a game that so few people knew about. Something about it just pulled everyone's attention.

Harsh static filled the airwaves, all but drowning out the otherwise gentle tones of a woman's voice before fading to black. Her voice soon returned, cooing a soothing lullaby to her young son as they sat underneath a tree atop a rolling sea of clouds, illuminated by what could have been either a sunrise or a sunset.

"Oh! What a sleepy boy. I thought you were going to sleep all day. Wouldn't that be a shame?"

She pauses momentarily, petting the boy's hair and letting the cool breeze blow over their skin. Then, she hits us with the line that would stick with us long after the game had concluded; the line that would embody everything it had to say for us and everything it wanted to teach us.

"Today's a special day. Do you know why? It's another day I can spend with you!"

And today truly was a special day, for I couldn't have ever imagined that my life was about to change forever.

I had an essay written specifically for this. A lot of words, countless words, pouring over my love for this wonderful, incredible game, detailing every rhyme and reason why I treasure it with my entire heart and soul. I read that draft, and then I re-read it, and then I re-read it again, and again, and again, and I realized that, sometimes, less is more. I have so much to say about this game. A lot of words, countless words; I could say each and every one of them, and only a few of them will truly matter. So, I'm only going to choose the words that will matter.

Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass taught me an important lesson—one that I needed to be confronted with in a situation where I had no control over the narrative; where I couldn't walk away. I came to love Jimmy like my own brother. I felt the love his family had for him. I felt how real they were as people. When I realized what was going on, I believed them when they said that everything would be alright. I continued to believe them even as things got worse, and worse, and worse, but his family had hope. No matter what, they always had hope. So, I did, too.

I wasn't ready to walk out of that door. It would have been easy to turn around and return to that special little place beyond the closet and pretend that everything was okay. But the mourning words of Jimmy's family and the somber rumblings of A Closing Window would always be there as a reminder that this was not how things were meant to be.

I wasn't ready to walk out of that door. But I took Jimmy's hand in mine, and we stepped outside, away from his home and away from his family and away from everything he'd ever known and loved, and I said goodbye.

And he said, "I'm sorry."

The interactive nature of video games made them the perfect medium for Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass. If it had been a novel, if it had been a comic, if it had been an animated series or a feature-length film, I would only have been an outsider looking in. Instead, I was an active participant in Jimmy's life. I experienced the world through his eyes; I became a part of his family. It was our journey, and our journey alone to partake.

And yet, for every input I made in battle, for every moment I took out of our day to stop and speak with his family, for every little detail of his internal world I paused to appreciate, I did not control the narrative and I was never, ever promised that luxury.

Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass taught me that life is cruel.

Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass taught me that life is beautiful.

Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass taught me how to let go.

Learning how to accept finality wasn't the only thing that I took away from this game. I met someone important on the way; someone who would reveal and force me to confront aspects of myself I'd long since buried and impact my identity in ways that would lead to a better me.

That someone was Buck.

Buck is a complicated character, because in talking about him, I talk about myself. He is all at once who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

I'm a trans man. I was Buck's age when I realized. I've been at odds with my identity for the past nearly eight years, trying to find a sense of self that makes me happy in a situation where I'm not afforded it. I'm also extremely dysphoric, and this negatively affects both my self-perception, and my interactions with other men.

Me and Buck are a lot alike. We're freakishly alike. Mannerisms, speech patterns, phrases, personality, personal taste, past experiences, hangups, familial circumstances—we have it all in common. I'm a big brother, too. There's also a big age gap between me and my siblings: thirteen and fifteen years. To say I can relate to this character is the understatement of the century and that's why it's difficult articulating my thoughts about him, because when something or someone is so specifically personal to you, you're going to have a lot to say. And when you're faced with your own reflection, you discover things about yourself you never knew; things that you could never have imagined are so painful to recall.

Seeing him struggling to compartmentalize the situation, lamenting his utter lack of control, wishing that he was stronger, adopting destructive habits that hurt himself as much as they hurt everyone around him, becoming distant and emotionally withdrawn as his only effective coping method, taking his surplus anger and frustration out on other people who don't deserve it; it's all just a little bit too real.

But it was realizing that Buck's relationship with Jimmy was the same as my relationship with my own siblings that hurt the most. It was an unimaginable, scathing pain that took everything else and put it all into perspective, and it made me look at all the worst aspects of myself and made me wonder, "are they scared of me, too?", "do they think I hate them, too?". It was a horrifying, visceral thought that I could never have imagined would hurt so, so deeply. But the difference between us—the only difference between us—is that I can mend our relationship torn apart by illness and familial strife.

Buck can't.

When I look at him I don't just see myself—I see the me that I could be. When I was seventeen, I dreamt of a me who was tall; rough; tough. He could tussle with the best of them. Nobody questioned him. He was cool. He was everybody's brother. People knew not to mess with him or his loved ones, because he'd kick their asses. But the best thing about him was that he was happy.

I gave up on that dream for a long time. I'd resigned myself to the me that was, because the me that could be seemed so unattainable. He wasn't who I was ever meant to be.

But seeing Buck made me remember what it was like to dream. He embodied the me that I dreamed of, and the me that was. I had a realization that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have to dream anymore. He's the me that I will be.

There's no other game like Jimmy. I don't think there ever will be. It'll forever hold a special place in my heart for the immeasurable influence it's had on me and for the ways it's taught me to think about life. It wasn't just a masterful work of art and a showcase of the creative flexibility of writing, but unintentional therapy in that being forced to confront the inevitability of death meant I learned to accept it, and my once daily ruminations stopped altogether. I've been much, much happier since then. I'm slowly coming out of a fifteen-year-long depression and engaging with the things I used to love again. I started working out so I can turn my future into my present. I've been inspired to create, inspired to learn, and I've been considering picking up guitar sometime in the future—if I still haven't made a true heavy metal cover of Gut Punch by then, assume nobody's made a game yet that fixes my crippling performance anxiety, haha.

All this preamble for the words that matter most:

Thank you, Kasey. Thank you for writing such an incredible experience that is unlike any other. Words alone cannot do this justice, nor can any picture I could ever paint, but the fact I even get to say this at all and be heard is more than enough for me. I look endlessly forward to your future endeavors, and you will always have my full support.

To another year of this beautiful game existing.

Wings of fire Tearing into the night And we'll fly away

#long post #i'm so glad to have gotten this out of the way #i spent weeks fretting over this but i can finally say that it's done #i had so so much more to say and i wish i could articulate every thought i've ever had about this game #but there's only so much i can put into a tumblr post #and only so many words i need to communicate the impact of this game on my life and literal being #maybe that eventual essay will let me cut loose with everything i want to say #we'll see #but for now #happy jimmy day everyone #and please listen to phoenix rising because it fucking destroys my heart and soul #jimmy and the pulsating mass #jimmy and the pulsating mass spoilers #jatpm #jatpm spoilers

[rk1kheadcanons]

Back when creating Markus, Kamski hated deviancy, and so designed Markus to be the perfect plant if there ever was a revolution, to pretend to deviate and betray them. Over the years Kamski grew to regret this and, lacking any way to fix Markus, makes Connor able to lead androids too. Connor catches Markus in the middle of betraying them to the humans and can't believe Markus would do this but also can't let the revolution down

YOU COME IN HERE AND DISRESPECT DISRESPECT MY HOUSE LIKE THIS?????

I???

Oooooh, Geez. Ok. Okay. OKAY, Damn I'm going to do this...hypothetical situation.

Just know I feel that a large part of Markus beautiful, electrical soul would fight tooth and nail to stop himself, including shutting down for good. Please see Exhibit A:

ANYWAYS...

Okay, I'd despise Kamski for this, but it's not farfetched for his extra ass.

Why would he create Markus so wonderfully and so multifaceted, just to try to get some sort of revenge? I guess I cannot see it other than human pettiness and not looking at the big picture.

I try to hedge from the whole "Connor always saves the day" mentality, especially in this fandom. I guess it's a thing I have. I won't say I am sorry. That also being said, I don't care for a constantly emotionally damaged, heavily robotic Connor in every story either. I think with Markus and the help of the other, canonically supportive leaders, Connor would take to deviancy adequately and have some mental issues he could sort along the way. Anyway, I digress...

I'll raise you that Kamski knew deviancy was real, that he was sitting on the precipice of being Father to a new species of sentient beings, and hated it not because of what it meant for him, so much as what it would mean to Androids. Keep in mind, he's experienced watching Chloe grow as an 'individual' since he created her from basic coding.

Then there was Kara.

Kara had been created on the production line, aware of her surroundings, very much alive. He let Kara go on to be purchased, knowing full well that she wasn't just performing task installed, but a living being. He'd of course copied that coding, tweaked it, and kept it for another day.

Another day comes with Carl's accident.

He wants to help his friend and partner. After all, he came up with the beauty that was Chloe's visage and several other models, as well as Kara.

Markus is the mixture of Carl and his deceased wife, whom he never had natural children with. Markus was made to look more like Carl's wife, giving a unique, biracial look.

Kamski sees another opportunity to employ those codes from that rogue AX400.

While Markus doesn't automatically wake up alive, he is very impressionable and inquisitive about things like the reasoning behind actions, philosophy, emotional stimulus, the arts, even going as far as to learn the piano by himself, against the preinstalled songs, making his own, and painting with Carl.

*******

Carl calls him distressed stating that 'they killed him, Eli, they killed my-" and Elijah blanks. Ge had no idea that Carl had become so attached to an android, to his android. The man is hurting like he lost another son and in Carl Manfred's words and pained breaths on the phone, that is exactly what has happened. He knew just how far above normal Markus was that just a caretaker model. Kamski's decides to watch the news more from now on and listen to the rumbles of Cyberlife more now through his hidden eyes inside.

*********

He's all over the news outlets and they are calling him the Deviant Leader. Cyberlife is livid at this absolutely dangerous deviant and has dispatched a new, faster model to hunt down deviants, hunt him down again. The man has risen from the grave once already like some fabled Phoenix.

Their front and center stands Markus, the same lovingly crafted creation his friend mourned and now ge can see why. He commands your attention, respect. And he will get it. His optical unit has been replaced, no doubt due to the violence he saw and his insider was correct, Markus had been shot in the skull plate through that hazel-green eye.

He's speaking about android rights and he looks exhausted but he is determined and it makes Kamski shift in his seat. That coding sequence, it was alive, it was free. Kara was the 'mother', but Markus is the 'Prophet', the perfect conduit to spread it freely.

This became apparent when another incident happens and they marched and Markus waves to nearby androids and "free" them of their menial coding. It was amazing. He was like a Trojan Horse spreading this at an alarming rate but then Kamski's heart clenched in his chest.

He was absolutely, positively livid! Fire him as CEO from his own company, try to make him a nurtured mouthpiece on the board only FROM a company that thrived only because of his brilliance, would they?

He knew what these things would be capable of doing. One just last week begged, pleaded to stay assembled because it fucking thought it was born... He had let it through, though, telling the engineer the catastrophic errors would be caught by the store and it would be disposed of there. That was a lie. He had taken a copy of that code from it and then he had warped it. What if he had a model so perfect so obedient with this code that it broke free, actually did rise...only to start misleading the masses, reversing that freedom. It would be enough of a blow to Cyberlife no one would want their defective products, and he could take his place back at the helm as rightful CEO, fix this mess, perhaps still give the deviants back what they wanted for giving him what he craved...

Oh, no. Kamski griped his tumbler tighter. Having been away from the center of Cyberlife, he found he didn't want that anymore. Science and Constellations, what would come about from his momentary lapse of self-control? A whole race relied on him to rectify his folly.

Then Connor came.

It was a long shot but he could do some minor tweaking to this one's coding. Also, once Kamski was aware that deviancy was highly probable, especially when he passed the Kamski test, other things were enacted as well.

Things go off without incident and the Revolution was victorious. Markus has made Connor a leader in the New Jericho as well.

Kamski waits for the proverbial floor to drop out from under them.

It comes in the form of the single most important dinner event to take place. CyberLife is there and the Deviants are there to appeal for the right to jobs and property.

Markus is his naturally charismatic self one moment and the next he's regressed to something more automated.

Connor just knows, can feel his Markus away and regardless of who is there, he takes the hands and leads him away from prying eyes.

They interface. Markus is waging war with his internal system, refusing to become a slave again, and not hurt those he had helped lead to freedom. He's s in a strange place that looks like it's an oasis of sorts but it's anything but-then he spots Connor.

Connor who is terrified because not is he back in another version of the Zen Garden with what looks to be a different form of Amanda on the horizon, Markus is being endangered as well.

Markus knows it's a bad situation purely by Connor's body language and diode on the side of his head.

Whispering those two words to Markus of where they are, he sober too and began looking for anything that could be Kamski's back door.

In the real world, Markus surprisingly is very strong without his conscience to control the damage that he can do and while Connor is advanced, Markus is sheer brawn and he moves with that in a daze he's in.

Connor is in peril of being destroyed and he is the only one that can help him.

This Amanda A.I. taunts outright, says they won't be victorious in escaping, that even if they are, someone will be hurt in the real world behind it, to which Markus can only assume he's a threat out there in real-time.

They scour the area, finally finding an out of place tree glowing. The panel is within the trunk of it and it has scrolling code, mostly meant to kill this takeover and to get them back out there. They waste no time and press their hands to it.

The bitter code and alt Zen Garden is deleted, along with the anger-fueled processes Kamski had encrypted into Markus.

They rouse a moment in the waking world too soon, Markus pining Connor down, hand fully around his face and head as if to crush it.

There were no more Connor models; he'd had almost killed his lover and not even meant to. Markus jerks back so hard amidst the panic and fear around them for them both, he ends up on his ass just looking guilty and scares of what could have happened and he has never respected Connor more that he did now for when this same situation happened to Connor fighting his prison in his mind the night of his freedom speech after a successful Revolution.

The codes were eradicated but the damage is done.

Because it does look extremely horrible to have a leader that can be used this way, especially if he's the figurehead, Kamski has to confess to his meddling in this: well he does in his way that that cast a worst of the damaging limelight into Cyberlife and away from his creations and less severely himself as well.

Once Markus is given a clean bill of health, Markus and Connor bond over the circumstances that had transpired.

Markus has to heal from the mental invasion, coming away with much more respect for Connor's survival overall from his Amanda A.I. The two become much closer, bond in a way that makes it even more obvious how much they mean to each other.

CyberLife is charged with attempted murder on Markus life, Kamski is offered his position back over his company, and things seem to fall into place... For presently. There is still much to be done for Android kind.

#rk1k #rk1000 #conkus #marnor #connor x markus #dbh #ask #platinumheart #y'all trying to hurt my heart #but i have an elastic ♥ #detroit: become human #didn't like the end ss much but did like the concept #will most likely revisit it again #thanks for the prompt!