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brelione · 4 years

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Toxic PT 2 (Rafe Cameron X Reader)

Request:plz make a part 2 to toxic!!!!

Pt 1

Warnings:Smut,unhealthy relationships.

He had stayed awake for hours that night.He had tried calling you at least 20 times only for you to block his number.He had decided that enough was enough, getting dressed in actual clothes before quietly leaving his house and starting his drive to yours.

He hadnt been to your house in two weeks, you had claimed that it was too messy and that you didnt really want him to be there.He pulled into your driveway,seeing the red lights on through your window.

He had no idea why you liked the red lights so much but he figured you just had them because you could.He remembered the first time he had been over your house.

It had been a ‘date’.You two sat on your bed, scrolling through netflix.Your room was lit with the red led lights that were sticking to your wall, the remote not too far away. “Wait,wait...wait, hold on.Can I change the color?”He had asked, giggling like a child when you said yes.He had pressed all the buttons, making purple and blue before settling on a cotton candy pink. “Are you done?”You had asked, laughing at how excited he had been over colored lights.He nodded, finally handing you the remote back.

He got out of his truck,trying his best not to slam the door.He knew that your parents had gone to the mainland for the weekend.He reached under one of your plants to find the spare key,opening your door.

You had told him where it was in case of emergencies.You were his go to person whenever he got into an argument with Ward and didnt want to be at his house for a moment longer, instead driving to your house for a kiss, a hug and sex.

He licked his lips nervously, sighing before making his way upstairs and into your room, opening the door.It felt like it had been forever since he had sat on your bed with your body resting against him, his arms around your waist.

It had been long since you guys had even had a nice little moment like that, cuddling and innocent kisses.He loved sex but he still missed those little joys of the relationship.His eyes widened at what he saw.

You were on your bad in just your bra and underwear, the red light making your room look like the pits of hell.You turned to look at Rafe,sitting up and glaring at him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?I blocked you for a reason, get the fuck out!”You shouted at him.Of course you were mad at him.It wasnt really mad about him cheating, you were more mad about who he had cheated on you with.Anyone else you could understand but you couldnt understand Ellie.

Even if he was high or drunk or whatever excuse he had.She was a total bitch.You didnt even consider Rafe your boyfriend, you had considered him more of a friend with benefits since you guys had began to drift emotionally.

He gulped,feeling himself beginning to shake. “I just-i want-want to fix things.”He mumbled, taking in a deep breath. “Yeah?You should’ve thought about that before you fucked Ellie.You think I give a shit about you,Rafe?You’re stupider than I thought, youre just my fuck buddy.Now get out of my house before I call the cops.”You glared up at him, watching his eyes fill up with tears.

He shook his head, trying to speak. “No,no you cant-you love me.You do!Have you been lying this whole time?”Tears rolled down his face,trying to breath but forgetting how.You licked your lips, leaning back on the mattress.You knew how this would end, with his cock buried inside of you as he tried to convince you that he actually cared about you.

“Rafe, I dont love anyone.That includes you, okay?Its not my fault that you have a thing for me, thats on you.Its your fault for fucking some other bitch, understand?”You asked, not missing the way that his eyes flicked down to your slightly parted legs.

“But….but you care about me?Dont you?”He asked but it sounded more like a sob.You sighed,shrugging. “Rafe, you know I dont give two shits about anybody.You’re just a good fuck, alright?”You needed him to understand.

You could tell that he was breaking apart right in front of you and it pulled at your heart strings as you watched him cry.You wanted to love him but it just didnt seem possible. “Stop crying, Rafe.”You stood up, wiping the salty tears from his face. “So….so are we done?Are we...we cant...we’re not fucking anymore?”He asked,making you laugh quietly.

“No feelings attached, understand?”You asked.This was probably one of the worst things you had ever done.You were most definitely a toxic person and that was as clear as the water at the private beaches.

He nodded,sniffling a bit before blinking away the tears that were building up in his blue eyes.You stood on your tip toes, kissing him gently.He melted under your touch,his hands touching your waist lightly almost like he was scared he would break you.

He really loved you, he was positive that he did.He just couldnt figure out how to show it.You slowly stepped backwards,bringing him with you as you laid on the bed,your legs wrapping around his waist.You pulled away,leaving kisses and hickeys down his neck.He let out a soft moan, obsessed with the way you felt against his body.

He was obsessed with you in general, the way you made him feel was absolutely insane.His eyes focused on your face, you were now straddling him, the red light hitting your cheekbones beautifully.He didnt know when his shirt was pulled off, your eyes falling down to the hickies that Ellie had left.

“Hmm...she’s not too good at that.”Your finger tips grazed his chest,stopping at every hickey the girl had left.He nodded, agreeing. “You’re so much better...she just wanted to make you mad.”He leaned up for a kiss only for you to push him back down,your hand on his throat.

“I know, seems like she made you more mad though.”You looked over to your door, noticing the small dents the two of you had made.It only took a few more moments for the two of you to be completely naked,Rafe turning the two of you over so he could be in control.

He didnt need to take out anger, he just wanted to be gentle this time.He wanted to make you feel good so he could apologize, wanting to enjoy this with you now in case this was his last time being in your bed.He slid in and out of you slowly, hitting all the spots deep inside of you.He wanted to whisper that he loved you over and over again.

No feelings attached,he remembered,instead just resting his head in the crook of your neck as you tugged at his hair.He was trying not to cry,biting hard on his lip to hold back the tears,pressing his body against yours, clinging onto you like a life line.

“Rafe...Rafe,please….please go faster.”You whimpered,your legs around his waist, trying to urge him to go faster. “Hmm….why should I?”He grinned,looking down at you.You rolled your eyes, gripping his jaw. “Because you love me,dont you?”You asked.He gulped,nodding.

“Then why dont you want me to feel good?Dont you want me to feel good,daddy?”You pouted,grinning when you saw his eyes widen.He was quick to speed up,pulling out so his tip was barely grazing your entrance before slamming in,his eyes rolling back at the scream you let out.

“Fuck, Rafe.”You whimpered,nails scratching red lines into his back. “You’re so tight….you feel so good.”He moaned,nails digging into your hips. “Did Ellie feel this good?”You asked,tugging at his hair so he’d look up at you. “No...never.”He answered, leaning down to kiss you gently.

“I know.”You bit down on his lip,able to tell that he was close. “Im gonna cum.”He was bruising the skin of your thighs but you didnt care. “Hold it.”You told him.He looked surprised, never hearing that from you before. “What?”He asked.

“Hold it.”You repeated,turning him onto his back, fingertips pressing into his throat as you rolled your hips against him. “Please.”He clenched his eyes shut, in physical pain from his need to finish. “Nope, you fucked another girl.You dont deserve it.”You answered, squeezing harder on his throat as you came,getting off of him.

He was angry, staring down at his still hard cock. “But-but what about me?”He asked as you panted,getting your panties back on. “You should’ve thought about that before.You should go, ive got things to do.”You pulled on a pair of short shorts, not bothering to put on a bra as you pulled a thin yellow shirt on.

He had seen the shirt on his floor before, peeling it off of your body and throwing it to the floor.He felt tempted to look through your closet for any of his clothes, any proof that you had once been his.

He had plenty of your stuff, a small stuffed animal, a gold ring that he often wore on his pinkie, sunglasses that you had left at his poolside.He kept your stuff mainly to reassure himself that you were an actual person and that you guys were actually together.He had wondered if you did the same, knowing that you probably didnt but wanted a solid answer anyways.

“What?”He asked,his voice cracking.You sighed,putting your hair into a bun, sliding on your shoes. “You heard me, Rafe.”You replied,handing him his shorts from your floor.He was still shaking as he pulled on his clothes, his hair disheveled and his face red.

“So- so tomorrow?Like, you’ll come over tomorrow and we can do some stuff.”He played with his fingers anxiously, taking in a deep breath. “Okay.”You answered, tying your converse. “Okay...um...will you unblock me?”He asked, tapping his foot on the floor.You shook your head, telling him to leave.

He closed your door, trying not to think too much as he got into his truck, staring up at your window,seeing you leaning your elbows on the window sill,smoking a blunt.

He knew that relationships should never be like this you were as toxic as they come but he just couldnt get enough of you.It really did suck but it was just the way things were and he’d have to learn to accept it, backing out of your driveway.

@sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae

@sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @natalie-kate-98 @nxsmss @broken-jj @joshy-obx @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl @simonsbluee @jiaraendgame @khiaraaa-in-spacee @on-socks-off @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless

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#rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe cameron imagine #rafe x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe x y/n #outerbanks rafe #rafe fanfiction #drew starkey #outer banks #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron headcanon #rafe #obx

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resilientdolan · 4 years

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Drown (G.D)- part 4

A/N: IM SO SORRY THAT IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE FKSJSJS IVE BEEN BUSY AS HELL WITH WORK AND DEALING WITH MY SEPTOPLASTY SHIT BUT IM HERE AND FEELING BETTER!

Word-count: 1.5k

Summary: You went out to get some coffee with Ethan, which led you to find out that he knows about your crush towards Grayson. And later on, you discover something else that you don’t even want to know.

T/W: Angst

Tags: @bingexdolan aka my loyal ass reader, thanks for bearing with my ugly writing bye <3

———————————————————————

“Is he mad at me?,” Bianca mumbles before she takes a small sip of her iced latte, with her eyes locked with Ethan’s.

It’s one fine afternoon, and Bianca decided to spend some time with Ethan to catch up with him. He’s usually pretty busy, but apparently today’s her lucky day that he agreed to get some coffee with her. So here she is, with Ethan sitting in front of her. But just him, Grayson’s not coming.

Ethan tilts his head aside for a bit, with his brows scrunched. “It’s not like he’s mad... Maybe more like upset because you chose Declan,” he shrugs.

A soft sigh escapes her as she sets her plastic cup of iced latte down on the table. “But why? He knows Declan. Okay, what if— he’s no longer a douche?,” She replies.

Ethan shakes his head as he shifts his gaze from her, to the view outside the window. “You know, the point is, he doesn’t like Declan. Douche Declan, or Nice Declan, still no from him,” Ethan says.

“True, though,” She replies lazily. “Anyways, where is he?,” Again, she shifts her gaze back to Ethan.

His shoulders rise and fall into a shrug as he speaks. “It’s August 1st. Grayson and Isla’s second anniversary.”

Oh. She can feel her heart shattered into pieces as soon as he mentions that girl’s name, followed with the word ‘anniversary’.

“So they’re going out?”

Jesus, Bianca, why are you so nosy—

“Hmm, I don’t know. He mentioned about having a dinner with Isla to celebrate their anniversary, but also he’s been watching a lot of cooking shows on TV. Maybe he’s chefin’ up?,” Ethan guesses.

He’s willing to cook for his girl? God, if only that lucky girl was her.

“Such a gentleman...,” Bianca mumbles to herself. Ethan chuckles.

“So... they’re probably at your place?,” Again, she asks.

“No, I think they’re going to celebrate it at Isla’s. Mom doesn’t really like Isla and her bitchy attitude,”

“Wait, does Grayson know?,”

“He knows. Mom told him about it like few weeks ago. She told him that Isla’s vibe is just a big no, and I agree,” Ethan explains.

And he’s still keeping her? Such a gentleman, right?

Yes, but not hers.

“Anyways, thanks for helping me with the Biology last night. I finished my test real quick, thanks to you,” Ethan out of nowhere decides to change the topic.

Bianca just gives him a slight nod. “You’re welcome, I’ll try to help you as long as I can,” She shrugs.

Ethan gently taps his fingers against the cold surface of the table lying between them for a while before he finally says something that she has never expected.

“Why would Grayson choose Isla when he got you, Bi?”

Ethan—

“What do you mean?,” Bianca furrows her brows.

“Like... You’re beautiful, you’re nice, and he has known you for years, so why did he have to choose Isla over you?”

She keeps her mouth shut.

“And you’re smart. Like, you can be his tutor slash girlfriend but he ended up dating a seeking attention whore like Isla? God,” Ethan grumbles.

“Ethan—“

“Bianca, he’s dumb! He should’ve picked you instead of Isla,” he mutters.

Bianca shakes her head as she arches her brow. “What if... I’m not into your brother?”

Ethan quickly shifts his gaze back to her the moment she says it. A sarcastic chuckle comes out of his lips, followed with another unexpected thing.

“Don’t be silly, Bianca. You’ve been crushing on him all this time.”

She remains silent, shaking her head. “I told you that I’ve been talking to De—“

“My ass.” Ethan cuts her off real quick. “Yeah, like lately, but how about years ago, Bi?” he attacks her.

Silence.

“Everybody knows that you’re into Grayson. It’s not that I’m mad at you for crushing on him, but the fact that he’s acting all blind makes me sick,” Ethan doesn’t even give her a chance to defend herself.

“E...”

“Tell me I’m right,” he demands.

He knew it all. And there’s nothing she can do to cover it up anymore. Her crush towards Grayson is no longer a secret.

Bianca nods her head slowly as she brings her hand up to run her fingers through her dark locks. “Maybe we’re not meant to be, Ethan,” she mumbles.

“What if you’re actually meant to be with him?,” Again, another strike back from Ethan.

“I—I don’t know...” she mumbles. She can feel her cheek burning red and her eyes start to water.

Don’t cry, Bi.

“I believe so, but my brother’s just dumb,”

She loses it.

She brings the back of her hand up to her face to wipe the tears away, trying her best to act that Grayson and Isla ain’t shit to her, but she just can’t.

“Ethan, I want no one but him...” she sniffles. “But maybe the wait is over, I gotta move on. If he’s happy with Isla, then I deserve my happiness too,” she adds.

Ethan lets out a soft sigh as he reaches his hand out to tuck a strand of hair to the back of her ear. “Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he coos softly. “But, you know... I got your back. If you feel it’s the time to let go, then do it, Bi. I want nothing but the best for you,” he adds once again, this time, with a small smile in his face.

“We’ll see, I just hope talking to Declan can help me to move on, you know? Starting fresh...”

“I understand,” he nods.

That’s when exactly Ethan’s phone beeps. He quickly checks the latest notification popping into his phone. Turns out it’s from Lisa.

“Hey, I know a way to brighten up your mood,” he grins.

“Huh?,”

“Don’t you miss... this?,” Ethan hands his phone to her, showing a picture sent by Lisa.

Her home made cinnamon rolls. Bianca’s favorite.

“I’ll drive you home later, but right now, let’s get you some of your all time favorite one, Dolan’s home-baked cinnamon rolls,” he chuckles as he gets up from his seat.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe some cinnamon rolls can help.

———————————————————————

“Thanks, Auntie Lisa,” Bianca speaks once she finish her second roll. Lisa gives her a quick nod as she sits on the couch in the living room, joining Bianca and Ethan.

“Hey, no need to thank me. You’re just in luck,” Lisa replies, taking a small sip of her hot chamomile tea.

“Well, I think I need to thank Ethan for dragging me here, then,” Bianca nudges Ethan’s rib playfully as he leans against his seat.

“I know you love Mom’s cinnamon rolls, soo,” Ethan replies quickly.

“Anyway, Ethan, where’s Grayson?,” Lisa asks.

“At Isla’s, I think?,” the twin brother replies lazily. “It’s their anniversary, so I think they’re celebrating it there, maybe?,” he adds.

“He didn’t tell me about that,” Lisa sighs.

“Because we all don’t give a damn about him and Isla. So he thinks he has nothing to tell about when it comes to their relationship,” Ethan rolls his eyes in annoyance.

Bianca’s just there, sitting in complete silence as she tries to process the fact that Grayson keeping his relationship private from his family, all because they dislike Isla.

“He’ll come home soon, Ma. No worries. If you’re tired, get some rest, I’ll wait for him,” Ethan suggests.

“How about Bianca?,”

“Easy, I’ll drive her home later,” Ethan convinces her once again.

“Ah, alright. Let me get some rest, it’s been a tiring day,” Lisa stands up from her seat as she gives Bianca another smile. “Thanks for coming, dear,” she adds.

Bianca gives her a thumb up and a smile as she watches her heading upstairs to her room.

“Relax and have another roll if you want, Bi,” Ethan points at the last cinnamon roll on the plate. Bianca lazily shakes her head as she lean against the seat.

Her mind wanders. Thinking about him.

Grayson.

And that’s when the door opens, and she can hear the sound of a light jog.

It’s him, he’s home.

“I’m home!,” Grayson’s voice echoes.

“You didn’t tell Mom about your anniversary plan?,” Ethan replies.

Bianca chooses to remain silent, to observe his reaction at the fact she’s there post the argument night. He walks into the room and sits on the vacant spot next to Ethan, all smile.

God, there he is. Making her weak with his smile, though she doesn’t even know the reason why.

“Oh, hi, Bi!,” he finally greets her, with a cheeky grin across his lips.

“Are you on drugs or what, Bro?,” Ethan frowns.

“Why?”

“Being all happy like this? Kinda weird...,” Ethan hums.

“Just, excited about the anniversary” he replies.

Oh, one knife thrown to her chest by Grayson Bailey Dolan.

“Mhm, dinner?,” Ethan asks.

“Yeah, yeah, we cooked, and had dinner together. And I gave Isla a necklace, the one that I showed you few weeks ago, remember?,” Grayson continues.

“I do remember,” Ethan nods.

He gave her a necklace? Second knife.

“And... you know... we did it,” he lowers his voice that it nearly sounds like a whisper.

“Did what?,” Ethan’s brows furrow.

“That...” Grayson rolls his eyes, getting annoyed at Ethan being lame.

“You and Isla...,” Ethan mumbles.

“No worries, protection, bro,” Grayson replies.

Protection?

“Wait, you and Isla had...” Ethan turns his gaze to Grayson, then back to Bianca.

“Yes, Ethan. We did it,” Grayson exclaims proudly.

Third knife to her chest.

#grayson dolan #douche!gray #grayson blurb #grayson dolan fic #highschool!gray #tgabs'write

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todancealongthelightofday · 4 years

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Well.

It's official. I’m off facebook. I had to. I can't continue to hurt myself obsessing over what you're doing and what people are saying about me. I can't be worried about every post I make and who may get upset or how much of my personal life I accidentally reveal. I'm struggling with myself to not give into the temptation of being petty. I want to show every single one of those girls you added this week all of the screenshots I have of you being the absolute worst. I want to tell your family that you never “went so hard” on me because I was “pulling some shit”. that never happened and you know it. You sit alone, bored, with a dry phone and so you decide to “miss me” and apologize and make all these promises that things will be different. The same promises that ive heard 1000 times already. Nothing was ever different. Just last night, when you accused me of so many things, you yourself were lying to me. Your snap count keeps going up, yet you yell at me that you're not talking to anyone and you'll delete snapchat. Why would it matter if you deleted it anyway? you just redownload it when I'm not around, just like you always have. Thats the thing. The trust is gone. You've used it up. You've taken every bit of trust I have and shattered it. I can't even go to my hometown anymore because I don't know who I can trust. Who you've poisoned. I know you're not telling anyone what really happened. I assume you're spinning a narrative along the lines of “she couldn't handle me being gone all the time and she was being a bitch so we broke up” instead of “I was unfaithful the entire relationship because I have a sex addiction, but I stopped wanting sex with her a long time ago. I also stopped loving her the way she craved to be loved. I stopped kissing her. I stopped calling her beautiful. I stopped enjoying her company on the couch for a lazy movie day. I stopped appreciating her as she held down the fort while I went away for work and flirted and partied and ignored her. While I was gone, she was at work or at home. She was paying bills and calling plumbers and yard workers, and getting estimates on fence work and painters and floor replacements. She was cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs. She was allowing others to stay in the house because they fell on hard times. She was rehabbing baby animals and getting broken glass doors replaced. She was doing everything she could to bring light and happiness to everyone (and every animal) she could. And she was doing it all while being neglected. Doing it all for me while I was going out and disrespecting her and our commitment.” I know thats not what you're telling them, but thats the story id really like people to know. I want them to know that I cried myself to sleep every night that I would call you before bed, after not talking to you all day, and you “had nothing to say. I just worked all day. I'm tired. goodnight”. I would cry on the bathroom floor when you would come home after 3 months and never kiss me or hug me. just walk past me and ask “who's coming over tonight? lets cook!”. I would spend hours steaming floors and dusting fans and washing blankets and shampooing carpets and then I would shower and dress up and do my makeup and wear my best outfit down to the panties, and you would just come home, have people over, get sloppy drunk, and pass out, leaving me to host until everyone left, clean the mess that 10 drunk people and a bbq is bound to leave, then crawl into bed at 4 AM. Then I would get up at 6:30 to start the morning routine. Dogs out. Feed cats. Let dogs in and feed them. Feed the fish and the tortoise. Let the dogs out again. Switch the laundry, unload the dishwasher. You would just lay in bed all day. If you got up, it was probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon and you'd sit on the couch and watch tv while I did your laundry and whatever other things needed to be done that day. I would beg you to come with me for Tyson’s vet appointment, and of course you'd say no. I’d tell you my family was having a crawfish boil and you'd say you were too tired or “dont feel like being around people”. But thats not true, was it. You just didn't want to be around those people. You were always ready to go to bars and drink and ignore me. thats the people you like. the ones that don't know you and that assume you're single because you haven't touched me or kissed me or danced with me once all night. But oh... if Claire wants to dance or if a guy starts talking to Leah, you're on that shit. Cant let YOUR eye candy get taken by some guy at a bar. Yet I was forced to break a mans nose. I was forced to defend myself, because when he disrespected me, you where nowhere to be found. Probably watching some girl, too distracted to know that a man was trying to hurt me. But doing worry. I dealt with it. Im stronger than you think. I made it through all that. I made it through so many nights of hating myself and questioning what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. What I could do to be good enough for you. I didn't leave when you invited Linzy to sleep in your bed and stoped coming visit because she would be bored alone if you left. I didn't leave when your snapchat was all women that you would snap all day long and never save anything so I could never see it. I didn't leave when you fixated on the idea of Sadie showing her tits in new Orleans while I stood right in front of you. I also didn't leave when, that same night, you “jokingly” grabbed at her chest and when we went home, your phone “accidentally got left in the bathroom standing up in a strange place and took pictures of her in the shower”. I didn't leave. I stayed and I believed you because for a day or two after an incident you would love me again. you would kiss me and hug me and have sex with me. Then as soon as I believed you, it would stop and you'd go back to your fuck boy shit. You'd go back to “being so tired” that you couldn't call me before bed but you had time to talk to Claire and invite her to your hotel room. You couldn't be bothered to give me the attention I had been begging for, but you could find time to snapchat my sister and “dare her to flash you as a joke”. Or what about the time you “accidentally” sent her a snap of your dick in the shower?! I am so angry and so hurt. Honestly I don't even remember what the point of this post was. Its gone from having a purpose to the words jus falling out of my heart and into my keyboard. I know I made the right choice. I saw something earlier that said “Sometimes you have to break your heart to find your peace” and honestly that is what im doing. Im so hurt and so scared and I feel small and lost, but after typing all these things, I remember why I left you. I know these negative feelings will pass and my life will get back on track and ill be happy and I know that one day I will find a man that knows how to love. A man that knows how broken I am and the trauma that iv gone through and he just supports me and loves me the way I've always wanted. So im deleting facebook so that I am no longer hurt by all the lies you're spreading and all the women you're fucking. Im choosing to fix me. I am choosing to stand myself up and climb out of this rubble and keep moving forward. Im choosing to start putting myself back together so that when that man finds me, im ready to let him hold me. Also, sorry to anyone that gets stuck reading this. It is word vomit on a page and I apologize for my shit writing and rambling. I just kinda let myself type whatever came out. This is my life. this is me. Well. its at least the tip of the iceberg of the hot mess that is me.

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ginta921 · 7 years

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2014 May

Suho let out a shaky breath. It was just a few days before his birthday too. It felt as if a gaping wound was opening in his chest and somebody was pouring acid on it. The pain was unbearable, but yet he swallowed it down, grabbing after Yifans hand who was sitting in front of him. This was the last time he will try. “Please. I want you to reconsider. We could change something, make it better for you. I’m sure we could figure this out.” He tried to make his voice sound as steady as possible. He needed Kris. Not just because he was a friend (well ex boyfriend), exom leader, but because it was a piece of him that held Suho together. Gave a whole new breath into his life. “I’ve made up my mind Junmyeon. I’m sorry.” He knew that Kris tried to keep his cool guy act on, but he couldn’t even look Suho straight in the eyes. There was silence lingering for a few minutes before Junmyeon pulled his hand away gently from the others. Another breath leaving his lips, that familiar disgusting feeling starting to creep in his guts. The feeling that he was so afraid of. “I understand.” The voice came out lower than he intended. Kris stood up, as if waiting for Suho to do too, for one last good bye hug or well... anything. But the younger seemed to just sit still, looking at the floor. Kris let out a frustrated sigh before patting shortly over the others shoulder. “Take care of yourself and the others, alright?” he gave him a pained smile before hesitantly pulling away and leaving the room. Once the door closed, it seemed like hours passed by before Suhos body curled up, pulling his knees close to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He began slowly rocking back and forth, he felt his heart racing, cold sweat starting to cover his body. “I’m okay. I’m okay.” he repeated it quietly to himself, closing his eyes. His breath started to get unsteady. He felt sick and sure as hell knew that he was far from okay. It seemed like his forgotten panic attacks were back. He didn’t have any of them ever since he met Kris.

August

“Suho, are you alright?” The male blinked a few times, getting out of his thoughts. Right. They were supposed to be happy today. Exo-m had come back from China. They were all settled in the main living room of their dorm, bunch of random food boxes and drinks lined up all around. “Ah, I’m sorry Sehunnie.” he gave a soft bow to the concerned boy beside him. “I guess I’m just tired.” Sehun watched him with a slight frown before patting his shoulder a few times and heading back to Luhan, setting by his side with a smile plastered on his face once again. The return of exo-m honestly just reminded him of Kris once again. The two would always stay cuddled up in such days, holding hands and talking about their time apart. What had happened, changed, and they were always so happy. Exchanging a few kisses here and there while others cringed and always joked to get a room. Suhos fingertips shortly brushed against his own lips, oh how he wished that the other was here. But he had to be strong. He had to be strong for the others. He had to be a good leader. The male pulled up on his feet from the chair, heading over to Lay and joining him, asking a few questions and generally trying to have fun, even when the feeling of dread settled in his stomach. That night he had another panic attack, his hands clutching the cellphone with Yifans number on it, which was left never dialed.

October

Suho waved his goodbye to yet another member. Luhan. He wished the best for the male as all of them sent him off at the airport. He couldn’t help but feel empty as he watched another of his close friends disappear. Whose going to be next? He made his way back to the sobbing Sehun who tried his best to calm down, but yet failed. The youngest was hiding his face in both of his hands as other members tried to console him, but they couldn’t hide the tears forming in their own eyes. It seemed like only Suho was calm. “Come here.” he spoke softly to Sehun as he watched the maknae walk up to him. Junmyeon immediately wrapped his arms around the other in a tight hug, his hand softly stroking the crying boys hair. They were going to be okay. They had to be okay.

December. New Years eve.

They had sent off another year. It felt like 2014 was a lot longer with all the things happening. All of them stood outside, their arms intertwined into a hold as they watched the fireworks in front of them. Sky lighting up in various colors. Suho closed his eyes. He would be safe and happy in Yifans arms at this time. The taller male hugging him from the back as the others stood by the couples side. Cheering loudly and happily, mocking the two from time to time. They would then go inside, everyone setting onto the couch. Suho on Kris lap as they watched random Christmas movies to the point where everyone fell asleep. Kris would carry him to the bed and not let go of him till the afternoon of the next day. Tears began sliding his cold cheeks and a sob escaped his throat, making the two closest members standing to him turn their heads, just to see Suho pulling his arms away and using his hands to cover his crying face. The other members understanding what was wrong, tried to pat his back, Lay wrapping an arm around his waist. “Come on, lets get inside.” Kyungsoo would say after a few minutes as the others lead the crying leader inside, setting on the couch with a blanket in the middle of Lay and Sehun, his eyes red and puffy. The others couldn’t hide their concerned looks as Suho just tried to smile and shrug it off.

2015 March

Suhos eyes parted, trying to get used to the bright light in the room. Where was he exactly? He tried to recall the latest events. Practice, then some sort award ceremony and now hes in a-... Hospital? Did he collapse? “Suho, you’re awake!” concerned voice left Sehuns lips, noticing Suhos confused expression. “Oh... You don’t remember what happened? You passed out after the award ceremony. The doctor said you’re malnourished and exhausted.” So that explained the stinging in his arm, it was an iv. “Why weren’t you eating?” Sehun added after the silence that he received from the leader. Sigh passed Junmyeons lips as he closed his eyes again. He can’t just say, hey, I have depression and I didn’t feel like eating anything for the past three months and would rather work myself to shits instead of dealing with the thoughts in my head. “I’m okay Sehunnie. I guess I just overdid myself. I will be alright in no time.” he gave a soft smile once opening his eyes again, knowing damn well that he was lying to himself and others.

August

Just when it seemed like everything was starting to work out, they had to wave their goodbyes to another member yet again. Tao. There weren’t enough members to continue exo-m activities, so they decided to cancel it and become one, exo. The past few months were extremely stressful for Suho. Running from one schedule to another, but at least he managed to fix up his diet... somewhat. He was now sitting on the bed of his apartment. His back pressed against the cold wall, trying to calm himself down. It was late in the night when his eyes spotted something sharp on the table across the room. With slow steps he walked over to it and picked it up. Ah.. A razor from when they had to make a few cutouts for a promotion poster. He stared at it for a while before his brain kept on repeating the same words. ‘It would lessen your pain.’ He watched the cold metal drag against the pale skin of his shoulder, leaving a red trail that quickly ran down his arm. It felt... almost good... Relaxing. He found the relief not in a person, but a blade. A blade was his closest friend.

December. New Years Eve.

He watched another year go by. Fireworks. Movies. Bed. He had never felt this empty. His eyes were tired and had dark bags under them. The thoughts in his head constantly going to one thing. Suicide. Oh wouldn’t it be nice now to grab this blade off your table and slash it against your throat repeatedly. Or perhaps grab some pills you were assigned from the cabinet, you just drank some alcohol, why not finish it today? Kyungsoo would do a much better job as a leader. Or anyone else in fact. They always make fun of you anyways, you’re useless in the group, why don’t you just give up? And he found himself once again, dragging the cold blade in various motions across his left arm. Three... Four... He lost the count before dropping the bloody blade onto the floor. Watching the blood slowly drop down onto his sheets. The small conscious part in his brain kept on screaming at him. ‘Bandage it! Quickly! Go to a doctor! Do something!’ And after a while he found himself in the bathroom, pulling out the aid kit and messily splashing some hydrogen peroxide onto the wounds after washing the blood off and quickly wrapping it up in a thick layer. It was pointless, and yet he still did it.

2016 February

During the last few months, Suho would always find a way to change his clothes alone and not with the others. Though today it seemed like it wasn’t going to work. He went to the furthest corner and removed his shirt, revealing the heavily bandaged arm, though luckily his boxers covered up his hip. “What happened to your arm?” He heard Kyungsoo call out in quite cold voice, Suho swallowed shortly before turning to them, his usual warm smile glued to his lips, the one that he learned to fake so well. “Oh don’t worry about it, I sprained it by accident and the doctors told me to use some weird oil and keep it warm for a few weeks. Its nothing much.” He said before turning his head away once again, pulling on the shirt along with jacket. He felt the other members eyes pierce him for a while before they continued their activities without a word. Soft relieved sigh left his lips. It was until after the performance that Jongin came to him. “You seriously need to talk to him.” he said in a strict voice before leaving once again. Suho understood who he meant... Yifan... But of course, Junmyeon never dialed that number.

May 22 12pm

There was a birthday party planned for him. He found it out from Baekhyun that he was supposed to come to certain location at 8pm. Apparently they had some surprise arranged for him that only Chanyeol and Lay knew of. Well, it didn’t matter anyways. He’ll just fake a smile and act as if hes happy. He was still lying in his bed, emotionless eyes staring at the ceiling for the past hour now. He would usually spend his birthday with Yifan. The other would come knocking into his apartment early with bunch of flowers and cake, he would then drag Suho out somewhere into the city just to have fun. Whether it be some sort of park, shopping, or simple cafe, it was always so much fun and it made his heart flutter with happiness each time. Now it was the day that he hated the most.

2pm

Junmyeon finally forced himself out of the bed. He noticed the bandages slightly stained in red. He felt so weak today, his legs barely moved him into the kitchen, where he just made himself some coffee, in hope that it would make him look at least somewhat more alive. The male slowly moved to a chair, dropping his phone onto the table that had a few messages and a missed call. He didn’t bother looking at who it was. Instead he grabbed the notebook with their schedule from the other side of the table. He spent a lot more time in his apartment now than the dorm, for obvious reasons.

5pm

Another missed call that went unnoticed. The males eyes drifted on the clock, guess it was time to start getting ready. With a sigh passing his lips, he slowly moved to the bathroom, stumbling a few times before standing in front of the mirror to remove bandages before showering. His eyes suddenly stopped at his reflection, as if it was his first time seeing it in a long while. His hair was messy, eyes puffy and red, dark bags under them, cheeks a lot more hollow than they used to be, collarbone was popping way too much. You could almost count the ribs just by looking. His hips covered in scars and new cuts. His skin overall pale, almost as if he was dying. Technically he was, slowly. He looked... Ugly. Fucking ugly. No wonder Yifan left him, he was probably off fucking some hot model now, not even giving a single thought about him every since he left. A frustrated grunt left his lips as he ripped the bandage away, anger filling in his chest. He was worthless. He shouldn’t be here. Hes just a burden. Suhos hand grabbed once again over the blade with dried blood on it. 7pm

He was sitting in the shower. His back pressed against the stony wall. One of his knees pressed against his chest as his head lied on it. The blade dropped just a few centimeters from his body. Emotionless eyes watched the red water go down the drain repeatedly. There were cuts all over his left arm, barely a single strip of clear skin left. Four cuts on his thigh, three on his hip, not to mention the ones that had already scarred. A sigh left his lips. Thump. The sound of him hitting his head against the stone wall echoed in the bathroom. Thump. Thump. Thump. He could feel something warm running down the side of his face. Thump.

8pm

After a while the male pulled himself up. He already accepted the fact that he wasn’t going anywhere today. He sloppily put on a shirt and pants that got almost immediately stained with blood. He gazed shortly at the mirror. His face was paper white. The side of his head was bleeding, thin lines of blood slowly running down the side of his face, pooling at his jaw into droplets before falling down. A chuckle left his lips. He felt dizzy. So that’s where it ends huh? His legs barely dragged him into his bedroom. As soon as he entered, his head seemed to spin and his legs gave out. The light body fell to the floor, not even bothering to get up. He looked at the blood slowly pooling under his arm and closed his eyes. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. He heard his phone buzzing repeatedly on the bed, but soon the sound simply got drowned out.

9pm

Suho remembers giving the key to his apartment to Sehun, so he wasn’t surprised to hear a few knocks. Doorbell. And then the lock clicking. He heard a few people head in. “Suho?” Sehun called out. “Junmyeon?” That voice sent shivers down his spine. No. He was imagining it. A gasp from Sehun. The younger pointed at the floor from the bathroom leading into Suhos room. The bathroom floor was covered in blood messily, along with the shower and sink. The floor into Suhos bedroom also had droplets here and there. It felt as if the members hearts sunk. None of them seemed to move for a while in complete shock. The tall one seemed to turn paper white and wasted no time getting to Suhos bedroom. “Junmyeon!” He called out upon seeing the body covered in blood. That voice. Was he dreaming? His eyes parted just a bit, to see two arms moving under his light body. That warmth. It was so familiar. Almost too good to be true. He was sure that he was dying. He heard various gasps, cries and panicked voices around him, but everything seemed so mixed up and soon everything turned black.

Kris pov

Same day. 7pm

He sent out another text. A call. Suho wasn’t picking up nor responding. Well, it didn’t surprise him. He was sure that Junmyeon was angry and didn’t even want to see him. Hell... Why did Lay talk him into this. Though he did hear that Suho haven’t been doing that well ever since he left. He always kept on getting updated by either Lay or Kyungsoo. Sometimes Chanyeol. He heard that Suho had passed out once, at that point he was so close to flying to Korea but managed to hold himself back. Now he somewhat regretted it. Just an hour ago the others told that Suho was acting suspicious. Sehun accidentally blew a secret and said that the leader used to be depressed before their debut, which only worried the others even more. Especially when they mentioned the bandaged arm. He really hoped it wasn’t anything like that. God... Kris missed him so much. Sure, he tried his best to avoid calling the other so many times, because he knew that the wounds would only reopen and he didn’t want to burden Suho with this. It was stupid how deep you can fall in love with someone...

8pm

“Wasn’t he supposed to show up already?” Sehun asked, his body visibly trembling while his face turned pale. He was pacing around in the room. “Hes not answering his cellphone the whole day.” Baekhyun added. The feeling of dread setting inside everyone’s stomach, especially Yifans. “He never ignores his calls! Something happened. I just know it!” Sehun repeated, releasing a few breaths in hope to calm down. Kai ended up walking to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulder to somewhat help, which didn’t seem to work. “Lets wait a few more minutes and then go to his apartment, you have the key right?” Kyungsoo asked as Sehun just gave a quick nod. Kris let out a breath, slightly hunching over in the chair, his hands rubbed his face a few times. ‘Calm down Kris. I’m sure hes okay.’ He was repeating that to himself, even though the deep fear settled in his stomach and now heart was more than clear that Suho wasn’t okay. Within a minute he had gotten up already. “Hes not okay. I know it. Lets go.” he spoke coldly before turning around and leaving the building in quick steps, others barely catching up. On the whole way to the apartment he felt like his limbs were freezing. His body slightly trembling. Others had noticed it but everyone kept their mouths shut, the whole drive was in complete silence. Kris just mumbling faster to the driver a few times.

9pm

He waited impatiently as Sehun unlocked the door. He was the first one to step inside. The whole apartment already felt like a damned place. His eyes moved to the living room table, noticing the few cups left messily and the still opened schedule. That was when he heard the gasp and saw the younger one pointing at the floor, his eyes wide in shock. Kris took a few steps forward, the trail lead into the bathroom. His eyes closed for a bit, releasing a shaky breath. ‘Suho. Please be okay.’ he thought before pushing the door open. And honestly, it felt as if his heart just sunk. There was blood on the floor, in the shower, on the sink, and a blade left lying in the shower. one of the opened cabinets contained bottles, to which one of them was open. The white pills scattered across it and some on the counter. ‘Please be alive.’ His mind kept repeating as he followed the trail into the bedroom. The door were parted just a bit and he spotted Suhos leg. If it was possible to be in even more fear than he already was, it just hit him even harder. His trembling fingers slowly slid the door open, just to see Junmyeons messed up body laying on the floor. There was a blood puddle forming under his head and arm. It felt as if his soul left his body. He did this. Kris did this. It felt as if his brain stopped working and his body acted on his own. His arms snaked around way too light body and picked it up. He felt as if something was stinging, so his eyes looked down at Suhos face who had his eyes just a bit parted, looking straight into Kris eyes. Soft breath left the youngers lips and it looked as if a small smile formed on his white lips before he went completely limp in Kris arms.

11pm

They managed to get Suho into the hospital on time. Since Kris and Suho had the same blood type, he didn’t even hesitate in giving as much as he needed. He felt somewhat dizzy afterwards, but he didn’t even bothered to care.The nurses hooked Junmyeon up with blood iv after sewing the cuts and wrapping his arm along with his thigh up. There was bandage around his head and he looked so tired. During all the procedures the doctors had commanded him to leave, but upon having an argument that involved a lot of yelling they just let him stay while others waited outside. Yifan kept his distance, but his eyes remained pained as he watched all the scars, cuts and not to mention how skinny he was. How could Kris let this happen... Why did Suho never tell him this? Why didn’t he tell him that he was mentally ill? That he had panic attacks? Suho never had those when he was with him. He would have never left if only he knew. Kris felt extremely selfish now. Suddenly the realization hit him. Ther would be times when Junmyeon out of nowhere would come to him, no matter what they were doing just to either hold his hand, stand as close as possible or wrap himself in Kris arms without a single word. That was his way of showing it. It was his way of showing it that it was Kris who kept Suho together. Kris couldn’t hold back the tears that started escaping him once the nurses left. The room drowned in angry grunts and pathetic sobs.

May 23

12am

The other members were allowed inside. They all stared at Suho without a word, only Sehun sobbed from time to time, his hand slowly caressing the olders hair. They were all shocked when the steady beeping of the monitor began slowing down. All of their eyes fixed onto it. Kris rose his head. Beep. Beep.. Beep... ... ... The doctor along with two nurses barged into the room, pushing through the other boys that tried to move their frozen feet from the bed. Kris felt as if his whole world was falling apart. He couldn’t die. No. He wanted to see him smiling again. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him. Hell, he was never going to leave him again. Just please wake up. He watched as the doctor tried his best to steady up the heartbeat. He could hear panicked breaths from the other members that soon turned into sobs. His own feet moved towards the bed. His trembling hand grabbed after Junmyeons cold one. “Please don’t... Junmyeon I need you.” he whispered under his breath, his eyes closing as the tears rolled down repeatedly.

Beep. Beep. The males eyes parted once again, seeing the doctor pull away with the nurses, obvious relief on their faces. It took them a few more minutes to check up on Suhos health, changing the blood bag too. The sobs from the other members slowly died down. “He seems stable for now.” the doctor stated before they had exited the room once again.

Suho pov. 12:31 am

Cold. It was so cold. ‘You can finally escape. Nobody wants you here. Nobody needs you.’ It was true. The members didn’t know him well even. They were probably having fun right now. ‘Just let go. Come with me. I will ease the pain.’ Such soft feminine voice. It calmed him. ‘Lets go to paradise. Come with me.’ Suho didn’t hesitate, grabbing after the womans hand who immediately began leading him somewhere. Was he-...dying? It sure felt cold. Who knew that the death was painless and calming? The light shone brightly, and they were almost there before he felt something tugging at his other hand, refusing him to leave. A confused frown appeared on his face as he turned back. The woman stopped in her tracks. ‘Junmyeon. Don’t you want to join me?’ The woman spoke, but it seemed it didn’t reach him, as the male was staring at something behind him. It was as if he suddenly heard all the sobs coming from his members, the panicked breaths, their voices calling out to him. But that one voice. One sweet voice, which was now etched in fear and pain, stood out the most. ‘Please don’t... Junmyeon I need you.’ Yifan... No. He can’t leave. Not yet. ‘Are you not going to join me?’ the woman tugged at his hand as Suho turned his head to face her, suddenly letting go of her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t... Not yet.’ The womans face seemed to soften. ‘I understand.’ she spoke before disappearing into dust. Junmyeon decided to follow the other voice instead, gradually finding himself getting warmer and warmer.

3am

The members were forced to leave. They tried their best to negotiate with the doctors, but in the end they only allowed one to stay. So they all agreed that it should be Kris. The male sat in the dim hospital room, his eyes focused on the others face, as if memorizing its every detail. His hand held the others, fingers softly caressing the younger ones nonstop. Junmyeons heartbeat seemed to stable out, finally. It was still lower than the normal, but a lot better. Yifan let his eyes close for a few minutes, about to doze off before he felt slight movements in his hand. His eyes opened up widely and he leaned forward, examining the others face. Two tired eyes started opening, blinking a few times before his arm moved a bit. There were needles in it again, most likely iv, but his fingers palm felt a lot warmer. He tried moving it a bit, just to feel his fingers being intertwined. His head felt so dizzy, but yet he tried to move it to the side. It took a few seconds for his sight to stop being blurry. He focused his eyes on the male in front of him. He looked so much more handsome than he remembered. Silver hair, fancy clothes, but tired and pained face, with slight relief written over it. “Junmyeon...” Yifan mumbled quietly, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “I-...I’m so sorry..” he choked back a sob before the males head landed onto the youngers healthy arm. His whole body was shaking and Suho could feel warm droplets landing on his arm, yet he was way too tired and dazed to say something. Was he dreaming? Or was this really Yifan. His Yifan... “...Am I still asleep?” were the first, very quiet words leaving Junmyeons lips, barely heard, but loud enough for Kris to rise his head, who only got an even more pained expression on his face. So the younger really thought this was a dream. As if it was so unreal for Kris to come back. The guilt was eating him alive. He was about to say something again but Suho parted his lips. “Do-..Don’t leave me...Please... I need you to keep me sane.” At that point, Kris promised to never leave again. He will find a way to stay. He had to.

December. Christmas Eve.

They had decided to spend it together with all the members. Suho invited them into the new house which him and Chanyeol along with Baekhyun ended up decorating in various Christmassy objects. It looked really festive. He helped Chanyeol and Kyungsoo cook, as the two always managed the kitchen. They set the table and soon had begun eating before deciding to exchange the presents. Suho thanked each member wholeheartedly as he placed the bags away, deciding to check on it later. His eyes scanned the room shortly before feeling his hips being grabbed and pulled onto someones lap. He turned his face towards the other, just to be handed a small palm sized box with a bow on it. “Open it now.” Yifan said, knowing Suhos habit in opening everything later. ”Huh?” he looked a bit questioningly before taking the box. He pulled the ribbon and opened, revealing a small jewelry box, pulling that one out carefully. He felt somewhat nervous as he opened the box. Junmyeon was sure it was going to be some sort of necklace, or bracelet but... It was a silver ring with a white gem on it. Suho felt his heart drop, releasing a gasp and catching other members attention, he gazed with wide eyes at Kris, who seemed to have quite a suggestive grin on his face. He placed the small box away before his face flushed red, the male immediately hid it in the others neck, releasing a whine. “Is that a yes?” Yifan mumbled after a few seconds as his hand caressed the others hair. Suho was too embarrassed to speak and just released another whine while giving a small nod against the others neck. Feeling his hand being taken and the ring slid onto it before their wingers intertwined. Other members seemed to gaze in awe before starting to cheer and clap happily. “Cheesy...” Junmyeon mumbled against the others neck in a muffled voice, giving a playful punch to the olders chest, only getting a laugh out of him. They now lived in a shared house. And as Kris promised, they made it work. He decided to continue his career while living in Korea, not even thinking once of leaving him again. Those few years of torture were enough for both of them.

#for stella

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