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awolfroams · 3 years

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2017 Summer in Asia, Part 7: Kyoto, Japan

July 9, 2017 5:30 pm Still on the bus from Nagoya to Fukui

I keep procrastinating writing about Kyoto because it was so much crammed into two days. And even after all I walked and saw and climbed and did, I still came nowhere close to seeing all of the temples and shrines. The night we arrived in Kyoto, after checking into Hotel Gimmond, we set out to try and find some dinner. After looking at a couple of places that didn’t grab our attention, we poked our heads into an elegant-looking but fairly-priced, mom-and-pop restaurant literally around the corner from our hotel. @taketheshield pretended not to speak Japanese, for reasons I still don’t understand, so the very nice woman gave us a cobbled-together English menu of some of their entrees. Kyoto is known for its fried tofu and fried tofu skin, so I ordered a fried tofu dish with lychee-flavored shōchū to drink. @taketheshield got an eggplant and fried tofu skin salad, and we each swapped a bite. The food was the first cooking we’d had that rivaled the monks’ back in Koyasan.

@taketheshield had already been to Kyoto several times and seen most of what was worth seeing, so the next morning, I set off on my own for Arashiyama Bamboo Forest. I wandered through the bamboo grove for about an hour, stopping to take photographs and buy a couple of postcard prints from a friendly local artist. I then made my way down to the river and across it to hike my way up my first mountain of the day, to Arashiyama Monkey Park. There, I snapped some photos of tourists feeding the monkeys, and a couple of the monkeys playing and cleaning each others’ fur. I then hiked back down the mountain (it was about twenty-five minutes to hike each way) and back across the bridge to catch the bus to Kinkakuji, the Golden Pavilion.

Kinkakuji is situated in a small pond surrounded by a Zen garden, and true to its word, the walls are clad in real gold. On the estate grounds is also a ceremonial tea house. After touring the grounds, I caught another bus to Ginkakuji, the Silver Pavilion, but the buses were running a different route behind schedule, so by the time I got there, between being behind schedule and feeling hot and tired, I decided instead to duck into a nearby café for some shaved matcha ice with red bean and rice balls, and to charge my phone for a bit.

After I’d cooled down a bit and prepared a fresh coat of bug spray, I set off along the Philosopher’s Path to Nanzenji. The path is supposed to be the prettiest in cherry blossom season or in autumn, but I still found it to be lovely, walking along the creek with tiny wooden bridges where people sat with their legs dangling over the edge, all framed by hydrangeas and tiny wildflowers.

By the time I got to Nanzenji, I temple itself was closed, but I was still able to pass through the formidable gate and wander the grounds until I found the aqueduct @taketheshield had told me about. It reminded me of the one in Segovia. Later, on the train to Fukui, @taketheshield would point out the lake far outside of Kyoto that the aqueduct had been built to reach as the primary water source for the city.

With the sun starting to set, I hurried to the metro to Fushimi Inari. Fushimi Inari is a Shinto fox shrine up a mountainside known for having a stretch of mountain climb called the “1,000 Torii” because it is framed by at least 1,000 Torii gates. And that’s just one stretch. That’s how long it is.

After photographing the main complex of temples, I looked at the map of the mountain for reference, and started to climb. Fun fact: maps of stairs and hiking trails in Japan are not to scale. I should have learned from the monkey mountain, which I’d thought was an exception. I was wrong.

Climbing and panting my way up the mountainside, the sun rapidly setting over the city below, I started to see signs in English and Japanese warning of wild boar. They stressed to be careful, “especially at night.” I ran into another lone traveler, from Ireland, and asked her how much further up to the top of the mountain. The said she wasn’t sure, but it seemed like quite a ways, and she was turning back because of the boar signs. I was tempted to do the same, but she said if I climbed a bit further there was a great view of the city, so i thanked her and continued on a bit longer. At the clearing she had described, I took more photographs and turned around to head back down, when I overheard a couple of Spaniards trying to gauge how much further to the top. I told them it was far, to which they replied, “Aun somos jovenes y fuertes.” I wished them luck, but they insisted I go along as well, because apparently I am also still young and strong. Three people were more likely to keep a boar at bay than one, so I decided to go along with them for a bit. They introduced themselves as Carlos and Pol from Barcelona. I told them how I’d lived in Madrid the year before. We chatted a bit as we heaved ourselves up and up, through countless Torii, until finally I reached my limit on a particularly steep pass, swarmed with mosquitoes. I explained to them that I have asthma and would be turning back. They offered to accompany me back if I waited for them, but it was pitch black and getting late, so I thanked them and declined.

Carlos was staying in Japan for a few more weeks, so he asked to stay in touch and we swapped contact info. I then sprinted back down the mountain, slightly panicking over being alone and unarmed in darkness with the idea of contending with a wild boar. After about thirty minutes straight of sprinting, the path became better lit, and I started to pass more people.

I overheard a family of Spaniards puzzling over the same very-not-to-scale map I had seen on my way up, trying to figure out how long to the top. I told them it was quite a hike, and when they found out I was there alone, they turned back with me to talk me to the metro station. I found out they were from Madrid, so I told them how I’d lived and taught there for a year. They’d also been to Bangkok, so I asked them for tips for when we went there later that summer. They told me to be prepared to haggle prices, and to watch the taxi meters to make sure I wasn’t overcharged.

We chatted right up to the metro platform, when suddenly a voice cried out, “Hey, @awolfroams!” from behind me. It was the Barcelona guys. Apparently we had only been about a ten minute-further hike from the summit, but when I asked what was at the top and they said just another shrine like the ones along the way, I internally called worth it for turning back. I wished everyone safe travels and headed back to meet @taketheshield for dinner, where I recounted my mountain escapades.

We decided to go back to the same restaurant. Kyoto is also known for its green tea, so I had a bowl of green tea broth with rice and seaweed, and a side of the house special - tuna and spinach salad, which was delicious. I washed it down with peach shōchū, and then we thanked the woman at the restaurant, took a goodbye picture, and went back to the hotel to pass out.

***

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 12:45 pm Fukui Prefecture Dinosaur Museum, Katsuyama

The buses in Katsuyama only run once about every four hours between the station and Heisenji Hakusan Shrine, so it looks like I won’t be going to the “moss palace” on this trip. :( I could take a taxi, but it’s 2,000 yen one way because it’s 7 km from the station, and I don’t want to spend ~$40 round-trip to go to a shrine, even if it’s 1,300 years old. Oh well. I am currently at the third-largest dinosaur museum in the world, so I am trying to console myself with that. My phone has been eating through battery on this trip, probably because of all of the texting, Snaps, and Google Maps use, so whenever I find an outlet, I try to take advantage and charge, especially since they are not too common in Fukui Prefecture. This one is around the corner from this bench in the Earth Sciences exhibit, tucked under a phone and behind an emergency call box. I’m hoping no one notices or minds that I’m using it. Since I now have about two extra hours to kill at the dinosaur museum, I figured I’d rest for a bit and finish my Kyoto log.

For our second and final day in Kyoto, @taketheshield made an itinerary of places he was willing to see again so that we could travel together. We started with Nishiki Market. The long stretch of covered shops and stalls sold food, clothing, and basic home items. I saw a pair of stocking-topped socks like my ones back home that I was tempted to buy, but my bag is already heavy enough, or so I told myself, and moved on. We hadn’t yet eaten, so I got a skewer of three pieces of smoked duck for 200 yen, and then we shared fried calamari for I think 300 yen. I tried a ginger-cabbage fish paste patty for 200 yen that was okay, but not my favorite, and washed it down with a mango passionfruit peach smoothie which was expensive at 600 yen, but worth the price in the humid heat.

From the market, we walked the 20 minutes to Chionin Temple, passing through Gion district, where we didn’t see any geisha, but I did find a porcelain calico cat sitting on its hind legs like my Misha for my mom. @taketheshield said the inscription was to bring luck with money, which lord knows we could use. I also bought a small geisha figuring designed to bobble and always land upright, and tucked it into the same gift box for my mom.

Chionin Temple, like so many other temples, was up an incline into a mountainside, and, of course, the map of steps was not to scale. Nevertheless, I made my way up to and through the gate, up the steep steps (Japan loves massive steps the height of my knees) to the temple complex. The main temple was under restoration, but I got some nice photographs of the smaller surrounding buildings, which included a pagoda similar to the one in Koyasan.

From Chionin, we trekked through the boiling heat, up another mountain path lined with tourist shops and ice cream parlors, to Kiyomizu-dera, a Buddhist temple situated on a hillside, as if jutting out from a cliff. This temple was also, sadly, under restoration, but we were able to pass through it and see the massive Buddhas inside before walking along the cliffside to a fountain where visitors could use UV-sterilized metal cups on long sticks to catch pure mountain water at a small shrine to drink from while making a wish. I wished for snow. @taketheshield must have wished for new sweat towels, because he lost both of his to the waterfall stream below while drinking.

I was exhausted from all of the mountain climbing in Kyoto, but @taketheshield insisted I’d appreciate our final stop, Nijō Castle. He was right. The castle had been designed as a residence, not a fort, so unlike the other steep castles we had visited and climbed in our travels, it was entirely flat, a sprawling maze of hallways nicknamed for the chirping bird-like squeaks the floorboards emitted beneath our bare feet as we passed chambers of beautifully-painted sliding doors with tigers, lakes, and pine trees, framed by ornamental woodwork carved into vines and flowers. The faded ceiling panels still held massive floral designs that must once have been a much brighter red, and the castle was surrounded by a pretty Zen garden with rock islands and tiny waterfalls where koi swam lazily in the summer heat.

It had started to rain, so we hurried back to the hotel to grab our things and catch our train to Fukui. I’m off to potentially see a dinosaur movie. More later.

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somewhereapart · 7 years

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Strays (Baker’s Dozen verse)

For OQ Prompt Party Day 7: 118. Roland finds two kittens, they love Regina the most.

They’ve been trying to wear her down for weeks – months, even. Ever since Lydia turned two, Henry and Roland have been lobbying for a pet.

She’d forbidden a puppy point-blank. She doesn’t have the time, or the energy, to deal with an apartment full of chewed shoes and puddles of pee. Lydia is enough of a destroyer as it is, she doesn’t need an accomplice.

And kittens, well… She’s never really been a fan. They just seem too… prissy, too aloof. Self-sufficient, yes, that’s great, but… She’s just not a pet person.

In the end, though, the decision is made for her, on a muggy night in late August. They’ve left the baby to the capable hands of Belle and August, opting to take the boys to a dinner that doesn’t involve high chairs or Cheerios. Something more grown up as a final send-off to summer before school starts.

It was Henry’s turn to choose, and there hadn’t been a moment of hesitation: he wanted “Chinatown dumplings” – what he calls the pork soup dumplings that he and Emma often go stuff themselves with on their regular playdates. She always takes him to the same place—a little cash-only hole-in-the-wall down below Canal Street—and it’s apparently serious business.

They sit around a communal table, and Henry instructs them very carefully in the right way to eat their dumplings without spilling the soup or burning their tongues (Roland does both, but he doesn’t seem to mind), and by the time they leave, they’re all happy and packed to the gills with dumplings, and rice, and beef with string beans, and orange shrimp, and chicken lo mein.

They stroll down darkened streets together, Robin’s arm slung over her shoulder, the boys several paces ahead chattering away – close enough that it doesn’t feel unsafe but far enough that they feel like they have their freedom.

It’s been a good night. A wonderful night.

So when the boys stop near a small mountain of trash piled up by the curb, she doesn’t think much of it. She notices, sure, and grimaces, and says a prayer of thanks that she’d thrown a fresh bottle of hand sanitizer in her purse just yesterday. But she doesn’t call out to them until they’re bending down and reaching toward the pile.

Even then, it’s only a stern (but mild), “Stay out of the trash!”

Henry glances up and waves a hand fervently at them, beckoning them forward, but Roland’s attention is rapt.

When she and Robin catch up, it becomes immediately clear why.

One of the garbage bags has a hole in it, little bits of fish and sour liquid spilled out on the sidewalk, and there, making a meal of it, is a pair of calico kittens.

“Daddy, look!” Roland exclaims, reaching out and scooping up one of the mangy little things before Regina can stop him. It meows loudly, twisting in his grasp, and all Regina can think about is fleas. Fleas, and maybe rabies.

“I see, my boy,” Robin says, crouching down near the piles and saying, “But we should probably put him back where we found him, so his mummy and daddy can find him.”

“He doesn’t have a mummy and daddy,” Roland insists. “They’re all alone, and they’re hungry!” Regina is entirely unsurprised that he turns those big, dark eyes on her and pleads, “Can we take them home, Regina?”

She’s loath to break his tender heart, but still, “Absolutely not.”

She says it kindly, but she says it all the same.

“Mom, please.” It’s Henry this time. It’s not-so-little boy’s pleading eyes, and he’s scooping up the other kitten as she winces, cupping his scrawny body carefully, and saying, “Look how skinny they are! They’re starving, they’re eating garbage.”

“They’re covered in fleas,” Regina reasons gently. “And we don’t have anything for them – no food, no litter box, no—”

“We can get them!” Roland argues, cradling his yowling little dirtball against his shirt, and now he’s got fleas, too, hasn’t he?

“Yeah, Mom, it’s not that late,” Henry encourages. “We could get all that stuff. And we could give them a bath to get rid of any bugs. I don’t think they even have any!”

Regina narrows her eyes, bending close to get a good look at the little critters. They’re grubby, their white patches grayed with dirt; she can’t tell if the little black flecks she sees are more dirt or the dreaded fleas.

She glances toward Robin, and points out, “You’ve been suspiciously quiet over there.”

He just shrugs, stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and says, “I’m hearing out their arguments.”

“We can’t leave them,” Roland insists, petting the top of one little head. “What if they die out here? They wouldn’t die at our house, please, Regina? We need to save them. They’re only babies!”

He’s starting to get worked up, holding that squirming ball of fluff closer as his eyes start to well up with tears.

She’s going to regret it, she’s certain of it, but she knows that Roland is right. The kittens seem to be abandoned, they’re all skin and bones and dingy fur, and they’ll certainly suffer out here on their own. Suffer, and maybe die.

So she sighs, deeply, and relents, “Okay, we can bring them home,” earning a twin chorus of Yes! from the boys, and a dimpled grin from her husband.

And just like that, their family is two kittens larger.

They just barely make it to the pet store before closing, and make quick work of stocking up on “the essentials.” Which apparently include not only a bed (she insists on just one, it’s large enough for both kittens), a flea dip, a litter box, some kitten food, but also a pair of itty bitty collars with jingling bells, two packets of felt mice, a handful of catnip treats, a dangling feather…

They leave laden, the boys cradling the most precious cargo, Robin and Regina hefting all the rest, and as they make their way home, she asks, “So what will we name them?”

“I suppose we need to find out if they’re boy kittens or girl kittens first,” Robin reasons, but the boys heartily disagree.

“We can give them names that work for both!” Henry insists, and it’s decided that he and Roland get to name a kitten each.

Henry decides to give his kitten the apt moniker of Dumpling, in honor of when and where they were found.

“I’m gonna name mine after our dinner, too!” Roland insists, and Regina wonders if they’re going to end up with Shrimpy, or Orange. But in the end, kitten number two is christened Noodles.

“Not Noodle?” Regina asks, but Roland is adamant.

“Nope. Noodles.”

And so they are, Dumpling and Noodles.

Their first bath reveals that, yes, they most definitely have fleas, and a strong aversion to water. But they manage to get them cleaned up, and flea-dipped, and get their little bellies full of soggy kibble.

And Regina has to admit that they’re actually pretty cute. Those white patches are properly white, and their scrubbed fur is soft and surprisingly fluffy when it dries. They sleep curled up in that little bed together, purring happily, and Roland watches them adoringly, telling Regina again and again how happy they look, how they saved them, isn’t she glad they saved them.

And yes, she has to admit, she is.

She’s not thrilled at the prospect of their furniture (or their toddler) getting scratched all to hell, but she thinks that she’d have had a hard time not thinking about those little, purring bundles wandering the streets eating trash.

Lydia, as it turns out, loves the kittens. Loves them. Adores them – in an Elmira from Tiny Toons sort of way. Robin and Regina are constantly reminding her Gentle, gentle… We pet, we don’t squeeze…

They’re also constantly reminding the kittens (they’re a boy and a girl, it turns out) to scratch on their new post and not the kitchen chairs. To gnaw on, well, anything but Henry’s fingers or Regina’s hair. To not frolic all over Regina’s legs as she naps on the couch after dinner. They’re lively – damn near manic – when they descend upon their catnip toys.

But Regina has to admit, it’s nice to have company in the wee hours of the morning when she drags herself out of bed to shower and dress. She finds their insistent little mews as she fills their food bowls a cheerful welcome to the world of the waking, enjoys the soft brush of their furry bodies around her ankles as she readies herself for the day post-shower.

And okay, yes, they do make lovely, warm space heaters when they curl themselves into the bend of her knee at night, or crawl up and settle down on her chest, their steady rumbling echoing against her heart.

She catches Robin smiling at her one night, while she scratches Noodles behind his ears, Dumpling’s fluffy form stretched over her thigh.

“What?” she asks him, and Robin’s grin just widens.

“Not a pet person,” he mutters, a hint of mocking in his voice, and she realizes she’s somehow become a veritable cat lady, despite her hesitance to take in these silly little ruffians.

Regina just rolls her eyes, gives Noodles’ ears a little tug, and tells Robin through her grin, “Shut up.”

(FFnet/Ao3)

#outlaw queen #hood mills family #oq prompt party #verse: baker's dozen #somewhereapart writes

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umichenginabroad · 5 years

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GHDI Presents: A Change of Scenery

May 18, 2019 at 10:17 AM

Room GF44A, Getfund Hostel, Kumasi, Ghana

Hostel life is great, except when the water doesn’t work, and then it kinda sucks.

I last wrote on Tuesday, and it’s been a pretty fun week! With us leaving the homestay and meeting new friends at the hostel, there are lots of new experiences! We’ve said goodbye to many children we’ve met in the street, and I know they’re sad to see their supplier (of tootsie rolls) leave the area. These kids are so cute and relentless with their adoration of us. Anytime we would walk down the street, the kids would pour out of the house and start chanting “GIVE ME TOFFEE” until I pulled the tootsie rolls out of my bag. It was all well and good until I ran out and then they wanted me to give them all my money or buy them some food. I have a new-found appreciation for all preschool teachers, let me tell you.

Wednesday we took some time in the afternoon to go back to the market with someone we met at the hostel! Sophie is from the Netherlands, and she’s doing an exchange program in the anesthesiology department at KATH (that’s the hospital where we work if you forgot). The market is now within walking distance from the hostel which is super convenient to be able to pick up really whatever items we might ever need, if you can find the right stall. About half an hour into exploring the skies got dark, and the hub of activity told us that it was about to POUR. We asked a friendly person at a stall and he directed us to wait out the storm at a bar called “Dim Lights”. Trying to follow his instructions led to a miscommunication that people thought we wanted to go to “Blue Lights”. We didn’t really care where we went as long as we didn’t get wet, so we followed some people into a covered section of the market where all the stalls have blue lights (ahhh) to grab a malt soft drink and wait out the rain. We ended up being offered seats and conversation from these shoe stalls in the blue lights district and these guys were really personable and friendly and an all around good-time. I really love that the vast majority of people on the street or in the city are super nice and you can just ask anyone if you don’t know where you’re going or don’t know what to do. Even the locals say that they often just ask around when they are looking for something specific and don’t know where it is.

Thursday was a fun day because we had our first interview! In addition to collection observation data from the emergency department wards, we also try and ask as many questions to as many people as possible to get a wholistic view of any identified challenges. We met with the head of the maintenance department and got some great information so we’re making big moves only in our needs finding mission at the hospital. It was also the day we spent triple the price of the hostel room in taxi fees schlepping all of our stuff from the hospital, back to Afia’s, and then finally to the hostel. We got our last home cooked meal (with an open invitation to come back, this is massive) and said goodbye to our one-week mom. We’ve said all week that living with Afia had it’s advantages and disadvantages. Meals are a huge perk, and she even did our laundry twice, but living closer to the city and more people and more activity (and wifi) is something we already appreciate after a few days here.

The hostel area could be the most well kept area we’ve seen in the city since we’ve been here. There’s no trash lining the sides of the walkway or streets and the greenery is well kept; it’s a cool area. There’s a catering place right there that offers some great (and cheap) food. There’s a fruit stand where Sandra will chop the freshest mango and pineapple you ever did see. (Side note about the mango: we’ve had it every day since we’ve been here with no plans to stop any time soon. It’s like heaven in a double wrapped plastic bag) There’s another shop place that serves up some great chicken and options for rice or pasta or even french fries. There’s a really large tree with a big patio underneath and a stand that sells coffee or cold drinks and small sandwiches which we haven’t taken full potential of but I hope to soon.

The hostel isn’t all a paradise though. The sheets don’t fit the bed, and a trip to the store to pick up new sheets yielded nothing in stock for a twin size bed. The fan is right underneath the light, which might not sound like a problem, until you think about how it creates a strobe effect everywhere you look, which is actually super annoying. The place could use a really good vacuuming, but for $4 a night for the room, we can’t complain too much. A long-term hostel experience is something we don’t have too much experience with, but so far so good!

On Friday we went out with our new friends Sophie and Bismark (He’s a local medical student who’s been living at the hostel for a few years) to a bar/restaurant in the nearby cultural center. Apparently the center has some of the more “touristy” or artisanal craft items so we’re excited to check that out in the daylight! This bar was not at all what I expected when following a path that looked like a construction site into a Hawaiian style bar and grill surrounding a lake. Really good food and cheap drinks and getting to know some of the other students made for a really fun night. Below are some pictures of the restaurant and the gang gang.

Today (Saturday) we head a little south for our first real adventure outside of Kumasi to Lake Bosumtwe! We’re taking local transportation with the Tro-Tro’s (more on those in another post) so it could be a little interesting. We’re all in the mood for some great scenery and a little relaxation lakeside. We still haven’t received the custom shirts so that’s still to come later!

Thanks for hanging with me,

Scott

—

Scott Vanden Heuvel

Mechanical Engineering

GHDI Immersion Experience, Kumasi, Ghana

#umichenginabroad #ScottVandenHeuvel #IPEghana #IPEsummer19

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literateape · 6 years

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When Crowdfunding Resembles Opportunism or The Greed in Your Ask is Getting Obvious

By Don Hall

I most recently joined the World of Crowdfunding with my new Patreon Campaign. I’m torn as, in general, I’ve seen far too many of these efforts resemble either a corrupt civil servant trying to raise money for bail or legal fees, someone desperately using it as a replacement for medical insurance or Ian Belknap using GoFundMe to help pay for an office space so he doesn’t have to deal with his kids at home while churning out pedantic screeds on Faceborg.

Go ahead and Google “crowdfunding abuse” and the list is long and ugly.

When Angela Vela asked me to perform a piece about Greed for her monthly show The Seven Deadly Sins, crowdfunding abuse was my target.

Dear Roger –

I know I haven’t been in touch for a while and I apologize right off the bat for not reaching out to you when you got your new job three years ago or when you got married two years ago or when you and your wife had that baby last year. Obviously, you were in my thoughts but I never took the time to connect after college. My bad, bro.

Remember the time when we both got so drunk that we ended up streaking in the Dillons parking lot? LMAO! I barely do. Thanks for bailing us both out, right?

Anyways, I’m writing to you now because I’m kind of in a bind. I wrote some bad checks about two months ago—I totally thought I had them covered but the places cashed the checks before the date I put on them—I thought you couldn’t do that but apparently you can—and the bank is totally fucking me over. Thank god I’m living with my mom, right?

Seriously, is there any chance I could borrow, like, $450 for a while until I get this all straightened out? I’m good for it, bro.

If it is, here’s my Paypal account or you can just send it directly through Chase Pay.

Thanks.

Yo, Rog!!

Long time, no see, right? How’s the wife and kid? I hope great!

The reason I’m writing is to first, apologize for not getting you that $400 back yet. I know it’s been a couple years but things have been moving really fast around here and I’m thinking you’ll thank me once you see how I spent the money I owe you. If you think of it as an investment into something amazing, I’m sure of it.

I moved out of my mom’s house into her garage (I pay rent so it’s not like charity or anything) and decided that I was going to go into a brand new field. Yes, my degree in Contemporary Greek Philosophy is valuable to me but is not what a sustainable career is made of, right? So I looked out into the world in search of my calling, right? And it hit me right in the jaw—social media. I spend a huge amount of my time writing funny things on Facebook and Twitter, why not parlay that into a full-time career? So...

I’m in Chicago now, and I’m going to take classes at the famed Second City Training Center. You know, the place that spawned the careers of Bill Murray, Stephen Colbert, that guy from the “Sledgehammer” TV show and the voice of Homer Simpson? I figure that a degree from such an esteemed comedic institution is bound to bolster my street cred with companies looking for clever and sarcastic social media responses so I’m currently enrolled.

Here’s the thing: the $400 I owe you went to pay for some of my first eight weeks but once I get my degree and a job writing the Funny Ha-Ha, I’ll pay you back with interest. OR...

Below is a link to my new Kickstarter Campaign to raise the money to pay for all 15 levels of Second City training. I only need to raise $22,000 for this and after all those levels, I’m pretty much guaranteed a spot on SNL which would be even better than writing for Facebook. LOL! Winky emoji.

Any amount is acceptable and you know I’m good for it. A donation of $500 will get you an autographed photo and front row seats at a live taping of SNL!

Thanks!

Dear Roger –

After Second City level 7 and my continued work at Boston Market, I wanted to die every single day of my life and it took me several years to realize it was because of the environment I was in. So, I picked the next best place: San Francisco, which is close to my dad, since we’ve never gotten to have much of a relationship and I like the weather up here. I found a job (I was hired the same day as my interview, in fact) and I put a bunch of debt on a shiny new credit card to afford the move.

I got the job thinking I was all set to write those funny quips on the company’s social media (I mean, I did have seven levels at the world famous Second City, right?) but I was told I’d have to work in support for an entire year before I would be able to move to a different department. A whole year answering calls and talking to customers just for the hope that someday I’d be able to make memes and Twitter jokes. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s get back to the situation at hand, shall we?

So here I am, 27-years-old, balancing all sorts of debt and trying to pave a life for myself that doesn’t involve crying in the bathtub every week. Every single one of my coworkers is struggling. They’re taking side jobs, they’re living at home. One of them started a GoFundMe because she couldn’t pay her rent. She ended up leaving the company and moving east, somewhere the minimum wage could double as a living wage. Another wrote on those neat whiteboards we’ve got on every floor begging for help because he was bound to be homeless in two weeks. Fortunately, someone helped him out. At least, I think they did. I actually haven’t seen him in the past few months. Do you think he’s okay? Another guy who got hired, and ultimately let go, was undoubtedly homeless. He brought a big bag with him and stocked up on all those snacks they make sure are on every floor.

I haven’t bought groceries since I started this job. Not because I’m lazy, but because I got this ten pound bag of rice before I moved here and my meals at home (including the one I’m having as I write this) consist, by and large, of that. Because I can’t afford to buy groceries.

Will you pay my phone bill for me? I just got a text from T-Mobile telling me my bill is due.

Look, I’ll make you a deal. You don’t have to pay my phone bill. I’ll just disconnect my phone. And I’ll disconnect my home internet, too, even though it’s the only way I can do work for my freelance gig that I haven’t been able to do since I moved here because I’m constantly too stressed to focus on anything but going to sleep as soon as I’m not at work.

If you could help me out, my PayPal is paypal.me/jimmyzee, my Venmo is jimmyzee (no hyphen). Square Cash is cash.me/$JimZee.

Thanks, bro.

Rogerio!!

You've been so generous in the past and I'm trying to raise money to get a plane ticket and funds for the final auditions for the 2016 season of American Idol.

I went to Disney World a few years ago and did the American Idol experience attraction at MGM. I auditioned and got on the show. They do 5 shows per day where an audience picks the winner of 3 performers. At the end of the day, they have a big show where the 5 winners compete for a Dream Ticket.

The Dream Ticket is a pass to get to the front of the American Idol Audition Line. I performed and won the small show during the day, then won the final show at the end of the day, getting me the Dream Ticket. They don't expire and you can use them at any auditions. I thought I had lost it, but in a stroke of luck (and possibly fate), I just found it in my files at home.

This could be my last chance to do it and I can't live my life wondering,"What if?" I have this amazing opportunity and hoprfully, with your help, I can live my dream and live life to the very fullest!

Thank you for the chance!!

Hey Everyone!

As many of you know, I am a HUGE fan of ULTRA Music Festival in MIAMI. This will be my 14th year attending and marks my 2nd year moderating the Facebook group. I admittedly have put in TOO MANY hours running the group, making sure it is free from spam and trolls. It has been a lot of fun but it has also stolen a ton of my time. I am hoping that some of the friendships I've made will inspire people to be generous and help me make this trip possible.

Normally March is an abundant month for me but this year I am financially "running on fumes." I have spent the last 2.5 months recovering from a broken ankle, which has kept me from working. In this time I have used up all my reserve cash and now with my trip to Florida right around the corner my credit card bills are looming. I will use this money to pay for the flight, ticket, lodging and food for during the trip. It would be the best birthday present if I got a great response.

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who helps out and would LOVE to meet up with you and take some photos at the festival. Thank you so much for your support. <3

–Jimmy Zee

Roger –

I know why you haven’t returned any of my recent texts or direct messages. You don’t believe that I’m actually sick and I guess I don’t blame you. I can assure you, the cancer is real and I don’t have anyone else to turn to. I need $4,500 to help fund a trip to St. John where there is a shaman there who they say can pray the cancer out of me. Outside shot but I’m also told that when your prognosis is this bad, you gotta bucket list that shit, right?

I know I have no right to even ask but, in case you find it in your heart to help an old (31 years is now OLD!) college buddy out, my GoFundMe profile is linked below.

Jim

#Satire #Greedy assholes #Crowdfunding

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theliterateape · 6 years

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When Crowdfunding Resembles Opportunism or The Greed in Your Ask is Getting Obvious

By Don Hall

Go ahead and Google “crowdfunding abuse” and the list is long and ugly.

When Angela Vela asked me to perform a piece about Greed for her monthly show The Seven Deadly Sins, crowdfunding abuse was my target.

Dear Roger –

Remember the time when we both got so drunk that we ended up streaking in the Dillons parking lot? LMAO! I barely do. Thanks for bailing us both out, right?

Seriously, is there any chance I could borrow, like, $450 for a while until I get this all straightened out? I’m good for it, bro.

If it is, here’s my Paypal account or you can just send it directly through Chase Pay.

Thanks.

Yo, Rog!!

Long time, no see, right? How’s the wife and kid? I hope great!

Here’s the thing: the $400 I owe you went to pay for some of my first eight weeks but once I get my degree and a job writing the Funny Ha-Ha, I’ll pay you back with interest. OR...

Any amount is acceptable and you know I’m good for it. A donation of $500 will get you an autographed photo and front row seats at a live taping of SNL!

Thanks!

Dear Roger –

Will you pay my phone bill for me? I just got a text from T-Mobile telling me my bill is due.

If you could help me out, my PayPal is paypal.me/jimmyzee, my Venmo is jimmyzee (no hyphen). Square Cash is cash.me/$JimZee.

Thanks, bro.

Rogerio!!

You've been so generous in the past and I'm trying to raise money to get a plane ticket and funds for the final auditions for the 2016 season of American Idol.

Thank you for the chance!!

Hey Everyone!

I will be eternally grateful to everyone who helps out and would LOVE to meet up with you and take some photos at the festival. Thank you so much for your support. <3

–Jimmy Zee

Roger –

I know I have no right to even ask but, in case you find it in your heart to help an old (31 years is now OLD!) college buddy out, my GoFundMe profile is linked below.

Jim

#Satire #Greedy assholes #Crowdfunding

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radiant-silver-gal · 7 years

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how i cook

So, I certainly consider cooking a creative endeavor. And my roommate keeps mentioning me when people talk about going vegetarian, not to mention I occasionally see such inquiries myself. So I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, and I suppose I feel this is the most appropriate place to put it all down. I was raised vegetarian by my parents and have never really cooked meat in my life. I spent a few years sometimes eating meat when at friends’ places or at restaurants, but I eventually decided I wasn’t that into it and became more invested in ethical/environmental concerns. So now I’m pretty eager to help people be vegetarian/vegan if they want, though I really hate feeling like I’m pressuring people.

Anyway, as far as cooking goes, I don’t really follow recipes closely (unless I’m, like, baking, obviously); it’s more like, I have certain habits for how to do things and it’s really easy to adapt pretty much anything made out of vegetables and stuff to them. So, sorry if this comes off as pretty vague, I hope it still maybe helps? You can skip to Part 3 if you just want to see me talk about specific things I make.

Part 1: A few things I use all the time and pretty much can’t live without

Pressure cooker: basically you could look at this as “only” letting you cook dried beans in about an hour without soaking first (though, aside from black beans from what I know, it still doesn’t hurt), but if you’re like me and not very good at planning far ahead that’s pretty huge. My mom will just throw a bunch of stuff in and blast the whole thing until it turns into soup, though this will make your vegetables super soft and requires a much larger pot. I have a small one (4 quarts maybe?) and just cook all my other stuff in parallel so I can pour the beans in at the end. There’s also Instant Pots, which...I’ve never used, so I have no real input on this, sorry. I know a lot of people who love them.

Other pans/pots: we have a couple small saucepans I usually cook rice and leftovers in (we don’t have a microwave or a rice cooker...there’s no space), plus there’s a big stock pot I use for soups (and cooking noodles) and a large skillet for stirfries and stuff.

Rice: I know lots of people don’t like brown rice and it’s one of those things I prefer because I was raised on it, but I really like the flavor and think it complements things well. Regardless it’s easy to cook and a pretty inexpensive staple; I think I buy bags for like $2.50 that last like 5-6 meals for two of us? I usually do about 1 cup per dinner, and will roll over leftovers. Since we usually get two dinners out of stuff I end up doing 2-2.5 cups with most full preparations. Rice cookers are very nice to have but I kinda accidentally made it a year without one.

I’m glad I have it now though.

Garlic and Onions: I don’t care what a recipe says, I pretty much always put both of these in everything. A garlic press is very handy to have, but like many things that haven’t always existed, not absolutely necessary. You can take a kinda big flattish knife and crush the garlic pieces with the side before cutting them up to still get great results.

Canned tomatoes: Super useful base for all kinds of soups and sauces, etc. I make spaghetti sauce all the time starting with canned tomatoes (though obviously fresh ones are really nice when they’re plentiful in the fall).

Stuff I use a lot but would probably consider not strictly necessary: broth (I like “Better than Boullion” brand pastes, both the vegetable broth and the one that imitates chicken stock; it mixes with water you’re already using so a ~$5 jar will go much further than cans/boxed broth too. I probably use too much and a jar still lasts me a few months), and soy sauce (my family basically just straight up uses San-J brand instead of salt in almost everything, even scrambled eggs. It’s not super cheap and may be hard to find but it’s just something I’ve gotten too used to to live without. I would not buy any kind that has sugar in it for primary use, though more than anything that’s because it weirds me out I guess)

“Meat substitutes” - I kind of hate this term since most of the stuff I actually use is not actually like meat in any real way. I guess it works for some people but since I never liked it too much in the first place I don’t need it. The main exception is the Field Roast brand sausages: the Chipotle one in particular is a great combination that’s amazingly delicious with eggs and useful any time you want some smoky spice and that kind of protein texture together. But even then I tend to stick with seitan (I think the texture is great, and apparently you can make it yourself cheaply and without too much trouble, but I haven’t tried myself. But it’s important to note that it’s also made of gluten.) and tofu (a Vietnamese grocery I like in Denver sells it cheap, fresh-made and pressed. I wish so badly I still lived near it, if you can find something like that where you live it’s unbeatable). I also like tempeh a lot, but it’s on the expensive side by weight and considerably weirder in appearance, texture and taste. Definitely worth a try if you’re curious or other options don’t work well for you, though.

Part 2. General methods

Pretty much everything I do starts with an appropriate pan and sauteing onions and garlic. There’s a bunch of reasons to do this, but basically it’s also easiest because you can mostly leave the onions alone for a few minutes while you keep working on the other vegetables without worrying about anything bad happening. For the most part a good approximation of what should cook longest is what’s hardest to cut, so roots like potatoes/sweet potatoes/carrots should probably go into whatever you’re making before things like zucchini or peppers. The big exception is eggplant, which you pretty much always want to cook as long as you possibly can. (There are other things you can do to make up for this, but again, I’m too lazy for them.)

Now, in the end, if you’re making soup or something you don’t have to stress too much about this since most things can just simmer for quite a while without getting messed up; you mostly want to watch out for certain green things like chard/kale/spinach leaves or broccoli florets which can definitely start to become less appealing if overcooked. With greens you should cut out most of the stem (unless they’re like baby greens where that part is already going to be soft) and cook it with the other vegetables, then put in the leaves when you’re almost done because they’ll wilt the way you want so quickly.

Most things I make have rice, pasta, or beans, so like I said I’ll usually cook those on the side and combine when everything is done individually. I don’t think there’s too much to be said about that. Overall this is stuff I don’t even think about much so if these explanations are too vague I’m sorry, maybe just ask me for more clarification?

Basically in general I estimate how much of an ingredient to get/use based on like...sort of arbitrary assessments of how big my pans are, how much I think we’ll eat, etc. Stuff like canned tomatoes come in fixed amounts obviously, so there’s less worrying about that. For my purposes I almost always use large ones (~30oz in america) because I cook a fair amount of food at once.

Part 3: These Aren’t Recipes Because I Just Do Whatever I Feel Like

Ok, so here’s some stuff I either do or used to cook often. Going to kind of break it down by vegetables, seasonings, and other stuff (like rice or beans that I cook on the side), which will hopefully make it easy to read? Like I said this is all very loose when I do it, so if you don’t have exactly everything, want to try other stuff, it’s obviously not a big deal. Again, unless otherwise mentioned I usually put onions, salt/soysauce and garlic in everything.

Quick/low effort:

Spaghetti sauce:

Side cooking: whatever kind of pasta you want, obviously. You can do up garlic bread too if you like. One 1lb package goes with one can of tomatoes, much like my mom always did with jars.

Main ingredients: tomatoes, mushrooms, bell pepper, roasted red pepper, zucchini

Seasonings: oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme. Sugar if it turns out too acidic or something.

Notes: obviously if you’ve bought spaghetti sauce before you know there are SO MANY different kinds, so I basically never even put in everything I listed here at once and you should definitely try stuff to see what you like. I tend to stick with safe/traditional picks but I’ll often throw in some capers and hot pepper to mix it up some. Also if you aren’t restricted on dairy, adding some cream will really make everything a lot richer, my family loves it when I do that.

Shakshuka: ok, there actually is a recipe here which was my original inspiration: https://smittenkitchen.com/2010/04/shakshuka/

Of course, I don’t follow it particularly closely at this point since I hate measuring stuff. Also, get some latex gloves or similar if you’re going to be seeding the peppers (I only do it for this, because in general I like everything really spicy), since it can take a couple days for the risk of accidentally burning yourself to wear off when you’re scraping out all the really hot parts. (If you just cut the peppers up, it’s still not a bad idea, but you’re in a lot less danger either way.)

Tabbouli: (to go with Mediterranean food like hummus, baba ganoush, pita, etc. Which you can mostly prepare yourself but obviously turns the whole meal into a lot more work.)

Side cooking: 2 cups of bulgur wheat. (This arguably makes quite a lot. But we eat a lot. My mom uses quinoa but I don’t like it for many reasons and it’s much more expensive.)

Main ingredients: onion, celery, fresh tomatoes, parsley, mint.

Seasonings: Olive oil, lemon juice.

Notes: the bulgur is the only thing you really cook, though it’s nice to put in the onions while it’s still hot so they soften up a bit. (You can dump the rest in too if you’re in a rush, but if you have a chance to wait a bit it’ll be a little fresher overall.)

Risi bisi: so I guess this is really supposed to be more of a risotto thing, but that’s what my mom calls this anyway. I learned to cook from her and she shortcuts even more than I do. This isn’t anything fancy, just one of her big fallbacks when she has like <45 minutes to make dinner because you really barely have to do anything if you have the ingredients ready to go. I do it occasionally, especially if I’m eating alone since I hate putting *any* effort in if no one else is gonna eat

Ingredients: you basically just pressure cook split peas and rice (similar amounts, with 3 cups of water per cup of split peas and 2 per cup of rice) for about 12 minutes with an onion. and maybe celery if you have some/want to. Right before serving you put frozen peas in, you don’t want them to get really cooked though.

Seasonings: Garlic. Optionally: broth, parmesan cheese, fresh parsley (add those last two at the end as well if you’re doing them)

Medium cooking time/prep effort:

Chili:

Side cooking: 2 cups beans. You can use whatever you want but I tend to focus on black beans, with maybe some kidney beans sometimes.

Main ingredients: Onion, tomatoes, bell pepper, corn (my roommate is allergic, so I usually use sweet potatoes instead. I think they’re also nice), seitan (I often don’t have this available since I can’t just get it on a whim though), zucchini (this is a great neutral vegetable for this)

Seasonings: Oregano, garlic, broth, cumin, and chipotle peppers in adobo sauce are things I basically always use.

Notes: This is way more “do whatever” than even the spaghetti sauce above. I pretty much try doing different things every time. Cinnamon and cloves are nice subtle flavors associated with Mexican food (but it’s easy to use too much and have them not be subtle anymore). Replacing some of the water with a nice beer gives a lot of interesting flavors. Tons of other seasonings are great in small amounts. You just really don’t want anything to be dominant, I think, the beans and tomatoes are already great on their own.

Stirfry:

Side cooking: Rice. or noodles.

Main ingredients: Onion, eggplant, tofu, broccoli, carrots, peppers, mushrooms (rehydrated shitake or button), asparagus, green beans, cabbage, spinach...whatever you like, honestly

Seasonings: so there’s a few different main ways I go with this. I pretty much always use garlic, ginger, and some chili sauce (maybe not much if you don’t like spicy foods). If I want to keep things basic I might throw on a bit of stuff like rice wine vinegar, miso, five spice, or vegetarian oyster sauce (we have a big bottle because it’s an ingredient in my roommate’s ramen recipe). My mom does a coconut curry thing that I also like sometimes, usually with yellow curry (but I keep meaning to try to make my own), thai basil, and coconut milk. It’s really great with noodles. You can also do a kind of peanut sauce thing with a lot of the same ingredients as above...it’s really open to messing with, which is obviously my style in the first place.

Potato leek soup:

Side cooking: none

Main ingredients: Onions/celery (sort of optional), potatoes, leeks, milk (or not, if you don’t do dairy. I think you could also use whatever substitute you like, but I haven’t ever myself. You can make it look and feel a little creamier by just blending a bit of it to mash up some of the potatoes as well.)

Seasonings: broth, black pepper, lemon juice.

Notes: ultimately pretty simple, potatoes just take a while to clean/cut/cook. Not really an entire meal on its own, nice to pair up with some other vegetables on the side (my family also likes doing meat substitutes with it, like the Apple Sage Field Roast sausages).

Hoppin’ John: this is another one my mom has a really lazy version of. I don’t do that though, I basically just go off of this recipe: http://toriavey.com/toris-kitchen/2014/12/vegan-hoppin-john/

I like to put in some okra and kale when it’s available as well, and I’ll throw in a little basil because that’s what my mom does, but I follow that fairly closely (aside from not measuring stuff, haha).

Red beans and rice: pretty similar situation here, but I don’t have a main recipe in the same way. This (and the hoppin’ john) can be good targets for a slow cooker as well.

Side cooking: rice, and red beans (2 cups)

Main ingredients: onion, bell pepper, chipotle sausages (as above), celery

Seasoning: broth, garlic, oregano, vinegar, something smoky if the chipotle isn’t enough

Notes: this really doesn’t take very long aside from cooking the beans, so if you have some way around that part...

Ratatouille:

Side cooking: rice. or pasta, in which case this is basically spaghetti sauce with eggplant. eggplant still takes forever to cook.

Main ingredients: Onion, tomatoes, eggplant, bell pepper, zucchini

Seasonings: Garlic, oregano, garlic, basil, seriously tons of garlic, rosemary

Notes: I don’t know, this is also really straightforward. Also nice to let go in a slow cooker all day, you can leave the vegetable pieces bigger so they keep a bit more of their own flavor.

Feijoada: another one that my mom does a lot, I guess it’s based on Brazilian food. I love this a lot, basically the zenith of simple beans-and-rice-and-vegetable food that I’m pretty into. Anyway, this one’s a bit odd, because it’s three parts, but they’re each really easy individually and you only have to pay attention to one of them. I’m going to have to describe it differently than usual though. I usually want a big onion and can of tomatoes for this.

Beans: I cook a couple cups of black beans with a little less than half a (large) can of tomatoes, a little bit of onion, and some oregano/cumin. (Then salt them after they’re done, obviously). I put a bunch of smoked paprika in them last time, which i thought came out really delicious, but I’d still say that’s less important than the other two.

Rice: You can sautee some of the onion for this, but you don’t have to. Either way you’re basically putting in the rest of the tomatoes with some water to cook the rice in (add more or less the amount of water you need for the amount of rice you’re cooking). I don’t season this with much more than a bit more oregano (and salt, of course).

Chard (you can use other greens, but I think chard is the best by far since it’s just a little sweeter naturally): Basically, prepare the chard like I said above, sauteeing the stems with some onions, then cooking the leaves for just a few minutes to get them nice and soft. Once everything’s done you just pile it together on a bowl. We always eat this with oranges, which really complement the simple savory flavors.

More involved soups/stuff: basically things I don’t do too often since they involve a lot of cutting/prep followed by cooking time, but I really like. Much faster if you have more than one person working, and since most of the effort goes into preparing individual vegetables you can kind of just delegate with these, rather than coordinating some really complicated thing with a bunch of dishes.

Kima: basically a curry stew. We’ve always eaten this with pitas, I don’t really know what else you’d do.

Main ingredients: Onion, tomatoes, root vegetables (carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes; I’ll often go for other stuff like turnips, rutabaga, beets as well but not always. they’re all great here), celery, tofu or tempeh, peas

Seasoning: yellow curry powder, black pepper, maybe a bit of garam masala if you have it

Notes: pretty simple, you just cut everything up and let it simmer for a LONG time. Some stuff can take a really long time to get soft, but it does let the curry flavor really sink in. Again, peas go in at the end.

Minestrone soup:

Side cooking: ~1cup (or less) beans. I usually mix garbanzo and kidney beans, though there’s a bunch of good options

Main ingredients: Onion, small pasta, tomatoes, broccoli/cauliflower, carrots, celery, chard (or kale/spinach/other greens), bell peppers, zucchini, other squash, peas, green beans, potatoes, sweet potatoes, beets with leaves, pretty much any mild-flavored vegetable you like, honestly...

Seasonings: broth, lots of garlic, basil/oregano/rosemary/thyme/parsley/black pepper

Notes: obviously I’ve never done all of those vegetables at once, and the seasoning is fairly open as well. Just get a good variety and go for it, it’s always good. You can cook pasta on the side but I honestly feel it makes the most sense to just stick it in about 10 minutes (or however long it will take to cook) before you’re ready to call it a wrap. (I guess if you’re a real stickler for presentation it’s best to cook it on the side and just put some in each bowl, but I’m way too lazy for that.) Peas and leaves go in after that, of course, they’ll help cool down a bit before serving.

Borscht: hearty Russian beet soup. My roommate wasn’t too fond of this but I do this with my parents pretty often. I always avoid wearing bright colors when cooking for obvious reasons, but it’s especially important here, because beets will bleed over everything (especially your hands! this is another good thing to have gloves for) if you let them.

Side cooking: not really anything

Main ingredients: Beets (cut off the leaves and then do them up like chard later), onions, carrots, celery, potatoes. That’s a short list compared to some of these, I know, but the beets take longer than everything else combined.

Seasonings: garlic, broth, dill.

Notes: again, pretty simple stuff where the prep is a lot of work and you really want to let it stew for a while. Plain yogurt is a popular accompaniment. Having some nice bread to go with it is just perfect, I think.

Part 4: Wrapping it up

So, I don’t know if this is going to be any use or not. Maybe it’s easier to just say “look up some recipes for stuff you want to make and think about how to use the ingredients in a way that suits your style” or something, since that’s a much simpler description of what I do. There are a lot more vegetarians and vegans out there than when I was young, and of course it’s easier to find information like that on the internet now. Odds are just about anything you can think of has dozens and dozens of adapted recipes at hand immediately, at least if you’re willing to play along with certain kinds of replacements or things that won’t ever quite be the same. In my case a lot of stuff takes way more work than I’m generally up for; I don’t really make desserts because it’s a ton of effort compared to the amount of food you’ll eat, for example, and I’ve only barely scratched the surface of stuff like bread baking. I’m not a professional chef or even a particularly dedicated hobbyist, just some girl who works all day and then has gotta fuckin’ eat after she gets home, you know? But I think there’s a lot of people out there like that, and so I’d really like everyone to be able to believe that cooking decent stuff for yourself really doesn’t have to be as difficult or as involved as, like, a cooking show or whatever.

#food #cooking

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